I will not confess to wife

[lyon03]

Thanks for posting and Merry (belated) Christmas. I applaud you for sharing your problems so openly/honestly. That takes a lot of courage. You've identified the problems:

1. Wife not interested in sex.
2. Long-term unemployment.

We're on the cusp of a new year and new beginnings. So in 2015 what are your options/solutions? Look forward to following your journey through next year towards rekindling your passion (or ending the relationship) and changing your approach to find fulfilling employment. Love and prayers. 

 

[olafthewise]

For 2015;
The NOT'S:
There will NOT be any divorce or divorce as an option for more sex, sexual passion, or sexuality. (I cannot leave, I have no personal income.)
There will NOT be actions of revenge.
There will NOT be any disrespect from my wife, although there has been a trend, so I need to be heard when I experience it.
There will NOT be porn in my life.
There will NOT be any visible signs of bitterness or anger.

The WILL'S:
I WILL graduate with a master's degree. (August or so.)
I WILL do an internship as required for the degree in Fall season most likely.
I WILL do my responsibilities I have been given.
I WILL maintain my fitness and continue running which does me so much physical good.

Needless to say, we are traveling and are staying in Northern Cal. for Christmas. The house has a jet tub in our bathroom. The other night I was excited to use it with her. We had a bottle of wine. Once in, she spent most of the time falsely accusing me of being too hard on our autistic son, who I watch daily. His retarded skills and his ADD-disorder add to his inability to act his age of 20. He is more like 9 or 14 most of the time. (His therapist along with him and I are working on father-son issues to increase masculine behaviors. we are doing good) My argument with her was that she does not trust me to make any decisions for the kids due to my job failures. Her response was expected.
Anyway, even though we were not clothed in the tub and the jets were blowing bubbles, the argument heated up more than the water. I told her she was living in the past when I really was verbally critical to him, (but, as I said, the therapist gave me different ways to deal with him and we get along better) it is not so now. My wife is fabricating things that are not happening in the home I told her she was being dishonest and downright lying!! It got to a point that I had to present my case delicately and factually until she agreed that we need to jus move on and she would be "watching me." I told her that this was disrespectful. We agreed to change subjects because I was so adamant on my recollection of things. I got quiet, she went on trying to talk about next years anniversary trip, which we have not planned. No sexual touch or sexual activity of any kind. We got out and went to bed.
I must just tolerate her, she does not want her parents and sister to know we are arguing. She wants us to appear good. I can see her point. I am pessimistic of sexual fulfilment for the future. I need to fill it with something.
It will not be porn. 
Remember, in regards to my depression, my wife just wants me to "snap out of it." And "I'm doing my job search all wrong." Then moves on to something else.
Just want to go home now. Trip was not exciting as I hoped. 

 

[Fappy]

Sounds like your wife is angry at a lot of things and us taking it out on you.
Maybe she WANTS sex but doesnt know anymore the way to go about initiating it, and for some reason she doesnt respond to your sexual advances.
So, you must make her want to have sex. By quitting porn you become a better person, when you become a better person you are more attractive. Then your wife will want to have sex with you on a regular and uninhibited basis

 

[Feetfirst]

Well there are no absolutes and that includes the truth. There are times in life that telling the truth is not the best course of action or even the most ethical. For example the SS officer at door searching for Jews. Do you tell the truth about the Jewish person in the cupboard and let them go to a hellish fate or tell a lie? Well it's a no brainer as they say. Whether this is one of them only you can decide. I can only say from my experience that it has been so helpful to be open and honest about this with my partner. Of course it hurt her and was humiliating for me and worse I have had to tell her repeatedly after every broken promise, each time getting more and more humiliating and each time thinking I'm gonna get dumped this time. Thankfully that hasn't happened (yet) and hopefully that is the last time! But I just felt she needed to know and that she also had the right to know who she is going out with and be able to choose to dump if she wanted to based. However every bodies situation is different and there are no rules except the ones you set yourself. Be happy! FF

 

[olafthewise]

Well, let me say that eliminating a bad thing so you, as a man, can grow and be more productive and be a better person and use time more wisely is all done without telling her you are quitting porn, or you have had problems with porn or you need help with porn or you feel bad about porn. !??!
My son who is on drugs has relapsed, I think, 5 times in the last 4 years! Every time he makes promises, says he wants help, etc, etc. What I wanted to see was the same thing I wanted to see in me and that was healthy habits in everyday life! I wanted his music to change (I'm reaching, I know), I wanted his room clean, him to take showers, eat right, exercise, not use profanity, go to church (anything else like, "make a commitment to Christ" is another subject), do laundry without asking, have dinner with us, hang out with good people, etc, all show me that he is not needing drugs. Whenever he lacked in these areas, it showed me that despite his promises to stay off drugs including marijuana, he was not being honest. When I was suspicious after 60 days, he tested positive.

Being off porn transfers my time to other things and I then am more healthy...minus my unemployment. Any suspicion from her is fine now that I am clean of any evidence including internet settings that I often leave alone. I even hand her my phone and she can see all I've been doing.
Again with all this, why tell her?

In the future, if she asked me if I have struggled with porn I would say yes, but I would be adamant on not volunteering the extent or the timing. It's all she needs to know. Being truthful and revealing privileged information are two entirely different things. Lying on the other hand, is bad unless of course you are protecting someone from immanent harm, which is not what we are doing here. Answering a direct question should be done truthfully or refusing to answer, as I said, "privileged information."

Now, in theory we need to ask, "is it harmful, in some way, to hold off information, such as porn use, or an affair from a wife or girlfriend/husband?" 
I would say, this is like a computer question: "It depends..."

 

[Fappy]

I agree, it depends on the partner and the person confessing.
In the meantime perhaps use that wasted sexual energy for other things. More worthwhile than trying to force/convince/trick a cold wife into intercourse. I too have wasted many a year trying to do that.
Hardcore sexual therapy might do the trick. The therapist (as long as its not a woman) has some great advice to give on how to force your wife into lovemaking.

 

[Gracie]

Just a couple of things on the two previous comments.  First, there is no privilege in marriage as far as having privileged information.  I can't get over the men here that have been married for years, get into porn, and suddenly or over time their wife is a cold fish.  Talk to your wife if its over it is over.  Olaf I was in a horribly violent first marriage.  I walked out.  No job, no house , no food and I had a child. I figured it out.  And no I did not get child support.  It was ordered but he never paid.  Did we live well? No.  Did we always have food?  No.  But we were not being abused and that was worth more than anything.  As I said before I supported my husband when we first got married.  Why?  Because I loved him.  It is not privilege, it is secret keeping.  Why do we keep secrets about our behavior?  Because we know it is wrong.  And yes it is as simple as that.  we all have to face up to our wrong choices. 

Second, seriously go to a sex therapist (who is not a woman) to get advice on how to force your wife into lovemaking?  First of all you can find therapists that do couples therapy and their is a man and a woman therapist there.  Second, force and lovemaking do not belong in the same sentence.  Forced sex is rape.  Forced lovemaking is rape.  All lovemaking and sex should be consent given freely and without duress.   

The secret to finding any therapist is finding one you can talk to.  One you trust.  Male or female does not matter.  If you cannot talk to them, find another.  But keep in mind you are working on things that will make you feel uncomfortable.  Do not confuse this feeling with I need someone else for then it will always be your stopping point.

I say these things because I have walked these paths.  Had my husband not been truthful, we could not be together.  Trust issues and secrets go hand in hand.  And trust is a major building block in the foundation of a marriage.

 

[lyon03]

I have to agree with Gracie on this one. Life is about the truth we live, not the secrets we keep. The harder we try to hide things, the more we're just hiding it from ourselves. Perhaps Gracie can back me up but my feeling is partners pretty much know everything and they withhold intimacy (or sex) when they no longer trust. So if you're getting nowhere with your current strategy, perhaps it's time to add a dose of brutal honesty to your relationship. 

 

[Fappy]

I just suggested the sex therapist be male because a woman therapist might be more prone to making decisions based on hormonal influence. A womans hormones dictate her thinkig and behaviour, this makes it difficult to properly connect with men.
A logical, straightforward approach is needed to show the woman how to regain her squandered sex life. Although both parties need to listen and take advice, in this situation it is clearly the woman who has neglected her mans sexual needs

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing Fappy. My feeling is we have to fix the man in the mirror first. We can't go around blaming when we spent years or even decades wanking in front of computer screens, lying about it, and accusing our wives this happened because of a lack of sex. This thread is taking a disturbing turn: namely that our spouses are somehow to blame for our problems/porn addiction. Wrong! The most desirable sexiest thing for a spouse is a husband who is honest, confident, and takes responsibility for his actions. Porn addicts are not the most desirable partners. Period. Look at it this way. Imagine you stopped showering for a year. Everyone can smell you and yet you refuse to wash. You then start blaming your wife because she didn't buy soap, when you could have easily bought some. You then want her to join you in a personal hygiene course, during which you'll not only stink up the room, but will probably spend most of your time blaming her. Enough! A porn addict in the heat of recovery/withdrawal cannot lecture on renewed intimacy. It's like being a blind driving instructor. I am inclined to believe the husband should: come clean about his PMO habit with his spouse; stop blaming others and accept the addiction is 100% his responsibility; reboot (60-90 days); and then try to rekindle some love/intimacy once trust is restored. That's my two cents but I'm more than happy to participate in a friendly debate. Be well brothers. PORN/BLAME ARE NOT OPTIONS. 

 

[Fappy]

Thanks lyon for putting a pathetic porn addict like me in his place!
I agree with all you mentioned. But the original post and subsequent posts suggested to me that he was in desperate need for intimacy and wanted solutions that didnt involve confessing to his wife.
Im the last person to lecture on intimacy, i know!

 

[davesaint86]

I think you should confess if you feel your wife will be supportive.  The light might go off in her head and things may start to make sense.  If she is a nag and will hound you if you tell her, then I think maybe you shouldn't confess.  I personally do not plan on confessing my issue to my GF right now.  Why?  Because I really feel that I have it under control right now.  If I fail then I might reconsider.  Good luck.

 

[olafthewise]

Whew! I will take a breath...
Fappy; I can't quite figure you out, but...forcing intercourse?? really I think maybe you are using the wrong word and you mean encourage or 'fool her into enjoying'...force though...I dunno...
Gracie; no abuse here. and my wife is not refusing sex.
Remember what I said guys, she has Vaginismus, which is a medical term for painful-coital sexual intercourse. I am not angry about her having pain. I am angry that after 9 months of no coital sex, she has not made one phone call to get an appointment to get treatment. I can make many assumptions from this. The main assumption is that she is in a convenient position. She was sexually abused when she was a child, I am unemployed, she is tired after work. So why get treatment for sex that she doesn't want to have?
        But we have had some pretty good sex over our 29 years of marriage! My internet porn has been a critical problem since windows 95 came out. Before that it was an occasional playboy magazine. Before that I had 10 years of no porn problems. But the unemployed problem has been for the last 5 years. Also, I did not PMO every time I looked at porn. My biggest problem was that I collected pics of nude women from soft porn and spent a collection of minutes and hours every day looking through pictures. Most of the time (99% of the time), I do not masturbate. Honestly! Regardless, my time spent looking at soft porn was too much. I needed to stop, it was robbing me of valuable time. Also, every time I wanted a quick look at some naked women, I would spend a half hour to an hour. This ruined me as a man. Also, I was willing to be pussy whipped and allow her to boss me around. I needed to "man up!"
So, the way my wife's personality is, she would not take too kindly to my wasting the last 14 years on late night porn.

This is how it would go; sex was mostly on Saturday morning and most of the time she did not want to work for an orgasm, just wanted to get me off and get up and tend to kids. Since this was routine, I did porn, looking for great pics to save. For 3 or 4 hours on Friday night AND Saturday night. Then get up at 9AM on Sunday, with 6 hours of sleep and go to church. If my wife was bold and sexy, she would walk around in some sexy way (sexy outfits, or short dress-no panties...y'all get this?) during the week or on Friday night. If she did the sexy thing, I would go to bed with her and we would have a good time. Keep in mind, this was very rare.
This very-sexy-side to her has become a less frequent thing for the last 5 years of my unemployment. Then she developed some disease (2009-10) that caused her some shoulder/neck pain and was less able to want sex. Now this year, the Vaginismus. In addition now, there is more shoulder pain and I am left with rare, duty-sex. Hand jobs are so bad I have problems staying hard.
sorry for the visuals guys, just want you to know, despite all this, I desire to stay off porn and revealing to her my porn past would make things so much harder than the disrespect I'm already dealing with I simply cannot and will not confess. I agree with the trust statement y'all have made, but I have no other secrets. She knows I nude sunbathe on occasion, in summer on our side yard.  kids don't discover me nude in side yard.) She uses my android phone. My laptop is downstairs and she uses it all the time. so, no other secrets, no money secrets, no "other woman," nothing. I'm an open book...However, this site is off limits to her so I can talk to you good people! 

 

[Gracie]

Once again I will say that the two of you should seek counseling.  Sex is not the only thing not working in this relationship.  And sex is not the main thing in any relationship.  It is important to feel physically close and intimate with a partner but it is not the only thing.  From what I have read, you seem to write that for you the lack of a job has put your self esteem in the toilet.  You seem to have devalued yourself.  With help, you could map a plan for employment, which as I read is getting your Master's will help with that.  But with a plan, you are proactive instead of reactive and in my work, that can make all the difference in the world to a person.  Sometimes little goals, small advances can make the most difference. 

In a relationship of two people, the only one you can change is yourself.  Just like you can't take a horse to water and make them drink, you cannot change a person.  That is why we SO's are told we need to take care of ourselves, we cannot change the addict.  The same is true here.  You can't change your wife, but you can change you.  When my husband and I started down this path, he talked like the addict. " I wanted more sex."  "You don't wear makeup all the time."  "You weren't available."  "You were sick." etc.  Now prior to this time and in our marriage, he was never told no.  Why?  Because I enjoyed our time togther, it was important to me.  But along the way, as he got into porn more and more, it quit being intimacy and became just sex.  As it went that way, I was less interested.  And he was more interested in being alone with Pamela Handerson.  I then became the seeker of intimacy.  And he was not interested.  He wanted orgasms, not connection.  He wanted 2 minute sex not half an hour sex.  When we talked about this, he said he did not know I wanted sex.  We discussed that and he realized it was the addict that didn't know.  But, I started thinking after we had honest discussions about his feelings, what could I do to make the message clear?  On my own, to get me past the "quick sex" mindset I had decided he wanted, I made it a goal to have intimacy, with sex, every two days.  And it worked to get me to show him I was interested.  It was not easy at first, because I would think he was comparing me to his "harem".  But he and I both changed during that time.  Why?  Because we were working together.  So change you.  Pick one thing you can do different for her.  This isn't saying tell her.  This is you changing you.

There is a website viginismus.com that is very informative.  And it is a self-help web site.  It may help you understand and you may be able to do some of things yourself to see if it helps.

Good luck to you in the New Year.

 

[Fappy]

As gracie said, its intimacy she wants. Not just a quick bash n jab, in out in out type of thing. Women need to feel the intimacy and will give up easier than men in that regard. Possibly hormonal.
Make 2015 a sex therapist year!

 

[olafthewise]

Thanks Gracie and Fappy.
You are right, fortunately the porn for me was replacing a "missing her." She has told me recently that she finds that men who want to view nude women or the wife nude are "just sick in the head."
She also said that since her sexual abuse occurred in bed when attempting sleep, she likes to avoid sex at night and prefers sex spontaneously or in the morning.
Reality check: Mornings are next to impossible with the way things are scheduled and spontaneous sex has happened maybe 15 years ago 3 times at best.
She continues to falsely accuse me of being hard on the older boys (20 and 22 year old) Also claims I will be a bad psychologist (I'm working on master's in psychology) because I am mean.
Remember she slept nude in bed 3 weeks a month for the first 8 years or so of marriage. Then got prude, busy with kids and then finally limited sex and now for the last 8 years or so, sex is so boring, the only excitement is getting a sexual release after a week.

on counseling: she has mentioned counseling and claims a pastor counselor will put me in my place as a mean husband. I said that it would be fine and that we can get the kids as witnesses since my 11 year old daughter disagrees and my autistic 20 year old son is so forgetful and "non confrontational" that he makes a poor witness. My older son (26 yr old) thinks I need to be more strict. So, counseling may be a bit confrontational for her as she wants to be right and yet her arguments for limiting sex is based on my allowance of her disrespect over the years and when I became unemployed she became "disrespect on steroids." Mind you, we get along as adults and she tries to accommodate me sexually, but counselling would put her in an uncomfortable place of actually needing to fix her sexual limits.
My unemployment is a mystery and I keep trying so we'll see.

 

[Fappy]

Happy new year, olaf and your family.
Sounds like things might be progressing on the counseling front. Try the pastor, maybe. I dont see how any psychiatrist worth his salt would call a patient "mean" or even take sides. A so-called expert on human relationships and a man of the cloth calling a patient a "mean husband"?
Ridiculous.
Worth a shot, anyway. You might be surprised at the results...  :

 

[Gracie]

I am glad you are considering counseling.  But I have one big request and it is because I work with children that are traumatized as my job, do not use your children as witnesses.  This is your adult relationship with your wife.  This is about you and her.  Does it affect your children?  Yes.  But it will affect them more negatively and in the long run both parents, if they are some kind of witness.  This forces them to choose a side.  I do not care if they are 2 or 62, this is about you and your wife.  Adult children are equally affected when they have to do this as well.

You and your wife should work together on your relationship.  This is a two of you thing.  Working through this together is what intertwines you and that will be the glue for your marriage.

 

[olafthewise]

I was being ridiculous when I mentioned kids as witnesses.
I am considering giving up on any sexual touch because this morning she gave up on me stimulating her. Her shoulder pain limited anything else and she is mostly against oral so our "time together" was...uh...finishing for me but it was not fun...I feel "unconnected."
I have kid duties. I have gym time and a 5 mile run tomorrow.

I want to give up on sex and trying to "be something", but not sure what giving up looks like.
despite shoulder "pain" she put on a small party for our 18 year old and a few of his friends before he goes back to training on Saturday.
I got to the gym late today. Just feeling like a dweeb. Counseling is unrealistic at present time.
I just feel abandoned by God even though that is totally untruthful.

 

[Fappy]

Hi olaf,
Just wondering how things were going. You havnt updated the progress for a while. (I dont mean to pry, sorry).
Throw us an update!

Fappola