I will not confess to wife

[olafthewise]

Update?
sexually we still only have sexual contact on Saturday mornings. As I mentioned before, when she sex-starves me for a week, I get really frustrated and tempted. recently it was 10 days!
Again, she is making some things up claiming I was verbally abusing some of the kids, and that I am always angry. I reminded her that 5 years of unemployment along with boring sex (did not say it like that) will make any guy angry. however, I have not been exhibiting anger and none of the kids are complaining...there are so many areas where she fabricates her experiences and then says my memory is bad. But most women claim their husbands have Attention deficit disorder anyway.

I did go off the other day and we discussed some things and I called her out on her lies. I presented logic to her and shot down every accusation she had. She is even angry that I don't come upstairs to our room to pray for our son who is on drugs. I told her that my faith is fine but that 5 years of unemployment has shaken me up on prayer and stuff.
anyway we had a good argument and as usual she gets all the benefits of emotional stability and I get nothing.
I live in temptation daily and yet stay from porn sites as I should.
On concluding here: I still stand by my original position that confessing my porn past to my wife would be unproductive if not damaging to what little I already have.

 

[Gracie]

Olaf, glad you updated.  Sorry things are not going well.  I fear that until you are able to address your lack of self esteem, nothing will change.  Every post is about the job.  About the employment.  Get a therapist and work on that view of yourself.  You seem to think without your job you have no value.  YOU HAVE VALUE, even without a job.  Go to therapy together so both of you can have your voices heard.  It may be possible that the two of you do a lot of assuming based on your views of actions and that is not the intent. 

Kind of like the kid that comes home and asks "What is sex?" and the parent launches in to a 30 minute birds and bees talk.  The kid then says how do I fit all that in this little space.  The space only had enough room for M or F. 

I hope that you can work through your anger and disappointment.  Those things seem to be weighing heavy on you.

Peace and Healing

 

[Poker]

I recently posted this in another thread, but it applies, so I'll repeat my post....

**************************


Their is a reason why as adults we think the way we do...  Why we lean towards this political party or that party... Why we love women or hate women... Why we love or hate ourselves... Why we handle money certain ways, why we have or don't have certain social or performance anxieties...

picture this...  A blank piece of paper, and you're going to draw a garden.  You draw a line 3/4 of the way down (ground).  Next you add the flowers, and some shrubs...  The brightest flowers represent the great things in your life... The shrubs are our mundane habits...  But what happens in every garden?  Weeds.  The shitty things in our lives...  So, add the weeds. 

There is something missing.  The reason for every good thing, mundane thing, and shitty thing... The root-cause.  Now draw your roots below the surface...

To keep this generic, picture a guy with anger problems who often explodes at his kids over nothing...

One of the weeds in his garden is the anger problem...  So, in life we weed our garden...  And he tells his wife he's sorry and will stop yelling at the kids...  That is a lot like pulling out a dandy lion with your hand...  You only get the top, and root stays in the ground...  Guess what, in a few weeks the weed is back.

Let's now focus on his kids...  What are they going to grow up to be like having been traumatized weekly?  How are they going to be screwed up in life? We now know what the root cause of their problems are, and they would likely need a good deal of counselling to get that root out of their garden...

What are the roots that caused dad's issue?  He would have to dig deep and figure that out and deal with it to fix it...  Most people don't understand if you don't address the root, it will always re-surface. 

I'm a life long Toronto Maple Leafs fan....  People I love growing up were Leafs fans, and I became one.  Its an emotional attachment.  I myself will need years of therapy to help me stop cheering for those bums. 

 

[olafthewise]

ok, uh, Poker. My wife claims I yell at the kids. My 11 year old will claim that I do not. My other twin 11 year old comes and sits close by me all day. My other special needs teen girl will only allow me to tend to her needs and last of all my autistic boy will attest to my once in awhile getting loud but that's because I'm calling kids to dinner when they are in closed rooms upstairs. My wife is in menopause. She is not lying, she is living in a time when we were dealing with a drug user son 5 years ago!! My wife is the same as others; she wants everyone to be "loving." if you are not loving, you are a maniac and you deserve to be put in your place. If that means no sex, so be it! On the other hand, I wand to be respected or in the least sense to NOT be disrespected. I am corrected and commanded all day long. She even told me how to talk to my 77 year old father on the phone today!! I am not saying that we ignore a wife's suggestions. But herding me in with the kids as if I needed direction? Then when I don't respond correctly, I'm unloving and she won't make even the smallest hint of wanting any sexual contact. So she goes about her day, happy as a clam, withholding sexual touch and intimacy. I respond by just ignoring her when she walks in the door, this is after 4 or more days of this, then she starts in on me with the false accusations. I can't win. She refuses to go to counseling or even to talk to a pastor. refuses to get appointment for the last 9 months to determine the root cause of her Vaginismus, so tomorrow will be more of the same I'm sure. So
Gracie, if I seem a little on the low self-esteem side, perhaps you may see why. I can't talk to her, she uses every old argument in the book. I shoot down every false belief she talks about and I reason with her and she ends the argument by saying she's tired and needs sleep. So I can't even have an argument!!!
Her fear is that people will find out and know that we are not the great couple they thought we were. She especially does not want her parents or sister to know that we are having problems.
Many months ago she asked how I thought we were doing as a couple and I said really bad. She felt we were doing great!! This of course is coming from the one who gets all the sex she doesn't want while I don't get hardly any and when I do it is boring and hard to "keep it up." (I never had ED from porn).
Just when things were bad like unemployment, sex goes down hill. Statistically, couples who stop having sex usually end in divorce. I'm stuck we can't afford a divorce.

 

[snake wrangler]

I hear you and agree. I feel the same.  I've been addicted for about 20 years. I found this site by accident and it spoke directly to me.

I began my reboot 2 days ago. I want to stop more than anything.

 

[olafthewise]

Snake wrangler,
I have said this before; to succeed you need to have a replacement for the time spent on porn. anything will do as long as its not computer related. DVD movies may be a good replacement. (Lord of the Rings, the expendables, etc)
Next, on your computer and/or around the house, dump all saved porn pics, movies and saved sites including questionable ones.
limit your nudity for a couple of weeks.
Get some exercise by running or gym time or whatever works for you. Read books and magazines. Put computer in uncomfortable place near kitchen or in such a way so you have to stand over it to check email and weather or useful sites for news, etc. Get outside. Meet people, visit irritating relatives or good friends. Create a new life. Work more hours. Sleep more. Eat better. Read Bible. Determine a new way to cope with anxiety. after being porn free for about a month, you will notice "life." Things to do. things to say, like "wow that's a nice tree." Or "I really like that pudgy waiter, she's super nice." The world will open up to you.
I caution you, the enemy does not let go of his subjects too easily. Beware! temptation is out there. If you relapse and look at a few nude pics, quick! turn it all off, go outside and work on something. Retrain your mind to repel porn when seen or attempted. Good luck!

 

[olafthewise]

I still hold that confession to her will do me no good.

 

[ready2go]

I kind of agree with you olaf.  Everything is changing and better and just watching that grow is good enough for me without muddying the waters about what I used to do with all that time I was hanging out alone.  I'm sure mine already knows and the point of a conversation about it would be uh pointless. 

 

[Dharmabum]

sometimes confession is more for us than for our partner.  are we helping them understand and lessen the pain or are we taking the burden of guilt off of our own shoulders?  That was always my guiding factor.  I probably shared too little, but when i got caught, i opened up and shared more than i ever imagined i would and it created understanding.

still, every relationship is different.  you need to do what you feel is going to be most healing for you - the both of you. 

for me, it's also a 'moving forward' kind of thing.  moving forward, i tell my wife everything, but what's in the past that needn't be mentioned is over and done.  so, living without secrets, starting day one of my reboot, that helped a lot (so far)! 

keep going, my friend.

 

[olafthewise]

Yeah, last week she helped with a hand job (because she has pain during intercourse). I got her off and about an hour after, we got into an argument over her possible menopause because she is falsely accusing me of things that never happen. Her memory is...weird. She said she could care less if we ever have sex again!
SO,
I am proposing a silent sex strike. She is a very beautiful 50 year old, but is not sexy and does one sex act and since there is no coital sex, I am left with nothing. I am going to revert to masturbation only. (once per week and no pictures/porn etc.)
Since I am, as she said, so, so, so "unloving," why try?
can't divorce and  porn is poison, so I am a monk.
No answers, no solutions. Nothing.
I can do nothing! totally powerless.

 

[Gracie]

Olaf,
You need to get help.  You need a professional to help both you and your wife to put your marriage into perspective.  You are full of negative thoughts.  A body cannot survive on negativity.  You do not seem to be kind to yourself or your wife.  In a marriage you are ONE.  Two halves brought together to make a strong ONE.  Is there nothing good between you two?  Seek help.  Does your college have a counseling center or a counseling program?  Often you can get free help from people that are becoming counselors.  Please look into this. 

Peace

 

[Jimmy James]

I agree with Gracie.  You both have issues that need professional help.

As far as the silent sex strike goes, I tried that before after a period of rejection and I think it lead me from occasional porn user to porn abuser.  In my case it was a bad decision.

 

[Fappy]

I agree with jimmyjames here. A sex strike would only adversely affect you, not your wife. She doesnt seem like the type to care from what youve written. A sex strike may induce some strong porn urges.
Your wife doesnt understand that it is her duty to sexually please you through intercourse or other methods of your choosing. She needs some counselling in that regard. If she gets the help she needs about her sexuality and how to properly express it for the benefit of her husband (and herself), it may cure her so-called vaginitus.

Help her so she can help you.

Fapp-y

 

[olafthewise]

no, no. What I'm saying is that on Saturday, which is the one day she is available and willing to participate in "some" sexual activity, I wait, awake from 7AM until 9:30AM or so for her to wake up and maybe do something and then its rushed as if she wants to just get it over with. I would just as soon get up at 8:30 and go to the gym where I have activity that I enjoy and I get results.
The bedroom activities are full of her excuses to NOT do anything exciting. You see, I am the one at fault here. I am the one and only who needs to change and be a female at heart, to be available at her beck and call and to hang out with her to pray for all the others out there who have problems. She is so connected to other people's problems, she is unwilling to see that we got marriage and intimacy issues. Really there is one underlying problem that she and numerous other women have; lack of respect for men and husbands. That's it! Just a respect issue in which, if we have an argument over our relationship, there is only one thing she wants to hear from me and if she does not, I am the unloving husband and in deep sin of violating the eleventh command of not "honoring and obeying her."
Really, I reminded her today that I do not answer to her commands. In this short argument, she agreed to shower and get done so I could go to the gym and during her shower I agreed I would clean the kitchen, since she did make breakfast.

            Marriage counselling is a great and stellar idea!! We have people we can go to easily. However, if I cannot get her to schedule to go to a doctor to determine a diagnosis for her Vaginismus, and its been 10 months now, how in the hell am I going to get her to go to marriage counselling when she thinks we are doing great and that I just need to adjust my attitude????!!! Remember, our arguments are completely one sided; I am the non-emotional cave man in which her friends and her relatives and our kids behaviorists all say that I am mean and need to be more "nice." This of course is her interpretation of things and most of these witnesses, as she calls them, hardly ever see me or know completely of our situation. She is wrong about the so-called issues I have "that others see."
She said, for instance, on a certain day recently, that all the kids are coming to her and complaining that I yell too much. (this is after my very defiant autistic 20 yr old son argues with every direction I give him...his voice and my voice are both low and loud, naturally) anyway, she says all the kids including him were complaining directly to her that I yell all the time...so I confronted them, calmly. My 11 year old daughter, who loves me to death, said that I do not yell, I am loud when calling to kids behind closed doors, but not yelling, she said. None of the other kids said that they went to mom complaining about my "yelling." I asked her again and she said the kids were indeed coming to her and asking that I stop yelling at everyone.............
.......now realize where I'm going here, the yelling never occurred, neither did the complaints. So what's going on? She said I'm forgetting it all. She also said the kids are deathly intimidated by me. Note that I don't spank the kids, nor do I have a history of any abuse whatsoever in any form! The kids are not afraid of me, yet she says they are and will answer in whatever way is safe. Not so.
So, what's up? How and why is she making things up. This is not the only incident.

Realize also that we get along most of the time.

Anyway, yeah we need counseling, from a pastor or a Christian therapist because she believes she has the biblical perspective! Another note; I went to a Christian college and I am the Bible scholar in the home. I could just shotgun her with scripture and win all the arguments easily. The aftermath would not be good. so, there you go guys. I agree that we are a messed up married couple. Since I have been unemployed, she has taken the upper hand to disrespect me more. The only thing stopping her is my rock hard stand against her disrespect. Otherwise I would be a pussy-whipped man/boy, running at her beck and call.
I hope I have clarified things here.

 

[Gracie]

Olaf,
Go to the counselor by yourself.  Work on you.  Even when there are two going the only one you can change is yourself.  Take care of yourself.  If you are not willing to do that, you will never get better.  This is about you getting help.  One person can go to a marriage counselor, pastoral counselor, or any kind of counselor.  Go by yourself.  Get you well.  You getting yourself well is not dependent on her.

 

[olafthewise]

Yeah, I need to work on me. I have flaws. I need to think differently.
My years of porn gave me an out.
Now that I am off the porn habit, reality shows up.

I read somewhere recently that for most couples, the need for sexual intimacy is usually unequal...one wants it more than the other.
Regardless, if that couple does not resolve the sexual intimacy, they are headed for divorce!
In this Tedx video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20, At the 10 minute mark, describes exactly what my wife is like. In fact, the conversation is the same conversation we've had numerous times.

Remember, in her eyes, I hold all the keys to a great sexual relationship with my wife. She doesn't have to do anything because she assumes that she will be in the mood if I am nice and come to lay in bed with her at 9 pm, while she answers all her facebook questions. Which I tried 4 times in a row. She simply rolled over and went to sleep around 11pm.
Remember, she controls the sex. She is satisfied everyday. I am not.

look at it this way: we came to California for me to do a certain professional job. That job ended as a result of my failure. I worked at a sales job after that, which I hated but I was fired and looked for another job for 2 years with no success until she applied for a job and got it within a month!! She already had some sexual hang-ups and was beginning to be more prude as time went by.

She developed lupus but has symptoms only after some stress. Really though the lupus does not keep her from baking cookies for people at work, or for neighbors or from working on her knees in the garden. But lupus gives her pain and headaches and limb pain...too much for sex that night, then in the morning bake a four hour desert for people at work that she hates!

The truth: she hates me. resents me for being an idiot out of work for 5 years. Since she hates me, sex is the last thing she wants to do with me. Imagine having a guy you hate, gyrating on you...Not gonna happen!

then after a month or so, get into a good mood, kids are good, weather is good, we have some money for shopping that day, a holiday is coming up, planets are lined up she might actually enjoy sex with me...but oh, I forgot...she has Vaginismus for the last 10 months! a convenient excuse to not have sex...

So for her; "how about a hand job from now on" and "ewww! can you hurry up...No; I want my clothes on...you're not even completely hard!! what's-a-matter?? Hurry up, the kids need breakfast! Was it good for you, no? you are so, so demanding, can't be satisfied with the work I do to make you happy...you are so ungrateful!!" "Whats the big deal, I mean you got hard and you ejaculated so you should be happy...I give up...I can never know what turns you on."

Reality; lets concentrate on one sex act...just one...nothing else...and when her clothes have to come off...hide from the husband quick! even though your 50 year old body is better than most young women! Hide your nakedness before someone might come into our locked room right??!! Or, (horror), I, your husband, might see you and enjoy your nakedness...the last thing we want is that I would actually enjoy her being nude!!!

Then, I go to the gym to take what masculinity and dignity I have left and rebuild it.

Again, counseling before she sees a doctor to diagnose the Vaginismus?? we discussed a new doctor in early January!! The only thing keeping me here is kids and lack of money.
Remember, we get along mostly. Don't fight hardly at all. When we do, I'm the loud one who needs to be quiet. I'm the mean one. I'm the unloving one. It's all me.
conclusion: I will not confess porn!!

I'll just go to work and ignore our problems, right......oh....I don't have a job!!!!crap!!!

 

[ready2go]

Wow,  you are having a rough go there dude.  I agree, find some counseling and go by yourself.  You'll find work at some point since the economy is supposedly picking up.  It sounds more like realizing you are not much different than roommates with kids in common, counseling can help sort out how to find the kind of love you really want and give you some ideas how to get there.  In the meantime, not doing porn will get your head clear and keep it clear so you can think these things through and make better decisions and choices.  best of luck man!

 

[olafthewise]

thanks.

On the radio this morning the DJ said: "if you take away a man's money, you find out how loyal the wife is to him; If the man has a lot of money, you find out how loyal he is to his wife."
brutal!

Graduate school, master's degree will be done in July/Aug. Perhaps I will get a job then. We will see. I am fearful that I will work late and go to the gym before returning home, further ruining what's left of us.

When we were young, she was exciting to go to bed with, summer was even better because she wore so little. Now she SEEMS TO try to avoid exciting me and criticizes her body even though I tell her constantly that I like her body the same as always, and then hides herself as if I was offended by her anytime she is exposed.

My stress reliever used to be porn. Now it's; 6 mile run, hour at the gym 6 days a week, cappuccino, sci fi movies, blog reading/sharing on this laptop, time with 11 year old daughter (all the others are special needs and cannot carry a reasonable conversation), cleaning house/yard, reading, online class-time.

 

[Fappy]

Hahahahaha thats a good line about the money thing!
Gotta remember that.
Conceited women often say that men only want sex. But women want both money and sex!
Ive never really seen a young man with a rich old woman. But countless times have i seen the reverse.
Women quite willingly whore themselves for the sake of sapping the money out of a man, but the second the money runs off they will give them the cold shoulder. And even complain! The sense of entitlement is atrocious.
And they wonder why their men turn to porn...
Dont ever let a woman bring you down to the point of watching porn!

Fapplliosa

 

[Gracie]

I do not know what is behind the broad generalization the women want both money and sex.  That is the same as saying all men only want sex.  Simply not true.  So is the statement that women whore themselves for the sake of sapping money out of a man.  And running off after the money is gone. 

What is up with the dislike of women?  I do not know any women that are like this or having a sense of entitlement.  We all value our husbands and work together for our families. 

And really those statements are what lead to porn use?  That goes against everything that Gary Wilson and Gabe talk about when they describe porn addiction.  No one forces an addict into use.  Not ever.  Women can't bring you down to the point of watching porn.  You bring yourself down to the point of watching porn.

Peace