The journey

[Feetfirst]

Each day is so different to the next. Just when you feel light n breezy them dark cravings come in and the horny dog arises. Well that was yesterday. Rode the wave and came out the other side but not without feeling disconcerted at how close I felt to pressing that ever attractive SD button. How deceiving it is despite all our past suffering this thing still looks, in that moment of craving as the must have solution. I think the series I have been watching on tv with my partner have been a trigger so need to have a look at that. Shame. But not worth it. For either of us. Anyway today is a new day and I feel fine. So all good. Have a good weekend all. FF

 

[ianmac]

i felt tremendously upbeat today for some reason might of been to do with having done quite a lot of exercise and meditation. Stress is the killer. So building in spaces into the insane timetable of life is essential. The idea of choosing your buttons definately works.

I agree with what you said here, Feetfirst.  Building stress reduction habits into your life, including "white space" really helps.  However, it only helps you to mitigate stressful times.  It doesn't prevent them.  Eventually life happens and stressful events come.  Meditation, exercise, and white space can level out the ride, which is a great benefit.  Part of reducing our own suffering comes from modifying our expectations.  For one thing, all of us here realize that going to PMO won't solve anything.  It's temporary "relief" at best, and that comes with a high cost.  Be OK with life throwing you some stress.  Manage those times with the healthy habits you're forming.

Be blessed,
Ian

 

[Feetfirst]

Absolutely Ian. Top advice. You are so right. Life happens, there's nothing we can do about that. Becoming more skillful in how we choose to respond to it. That is indeed the way forward. Thank you for continued support. Cheers FF

 

[lyon03]

Great posts brothers and I completely agree with what Ian wrote. PMO (or more specifically dopamine spikes) can no longer be our coping mechanism for life's problems. I had to stop seeing life through my dirty addict's lens. I guess in a way I simply changed my prescription. I've learned something so thanks for sharing.

 

[Feetfirst]

Well today should be a celebration of 60 days pmo. But last night I had a few wanks. No porn although came close to that too. So have yet to decide what to do with my counter. Bit of a dilemma. For now I have changed it to the facts. 60 days since P. At least I can look on the bright side and say I am still 'clean' as it were. Although flying foolishly close to the wind. In the end I'm not sure if it realistic to say I'll never wank again and I don't want to brutalize myself over this. But on other hand I can see the importance here during reboot as M just reopens pathways that I am trying to shut down. So counter productive at best. All a bit of dissapointment. But there you are. I'm human and I forgive myself.

 

[ready2go]

Congratulations FF!!  60 days, no PMO!! That's just amazing.  Wishing all the best for you as you lead the way on the path for some of us.  A true light up ahead for me.  Thanks!  Wanking a "couple times" in 60 days is a huge achievement over what you were doing before.  Personally I don't have an issue with it at all, especially since RN specifies no PMO.  This sounds and looks like success to me.  So again, well done!  Proud of you sir.

 

[Feetfirst]

Ready2go. Thank you for your kind and generous words. I really appreciate that support. After beating myself up a bit today I went off on the bike, did some meditation and generally gained some perspective. Decision. I'm not gonna waste my time and energy on being negative where there is still much to be  positive about. Onward. Thanks again R2G, you are a gem.

 

[lyon03]

Congratulations on reaching 60 days brother. That's quite a milestone. With regards to the MO, you're not alone in this struggle. I made the decision to stop P as well as MO, forever. But others have successfully rewired while still masturbating I believe. I'll leave you with this quote: "Gary Wilson says if you have to question if something is ok, then it?s not." I assume this means that if you're struggling with a decision to MO or not MO, then you shouldn't? Food for thought brother.

 

[Dharmabum]

Feetfirst,

You've got the right idea, my friend.  Keep coming back, leaning on others who know your struggle, and never, ever equate your addiction w/ your self-worth.  You are a good person who is wrestling with a dragon.  That you recognize the dragon and wish to defeat it -  that makes you a good person.  That it sometimes gets the upper hand?  That just makes you human.  That you keep getting up and fighting it no matter how diligent it is?  That makes you a hero. 

 

[Feetfirst]

You guys are amazing! Really. Such kindness and generosity of spirit. Thank you Dharmabum, really appreciate your support, I feel so much lighter for it. Much goodness in life, every moment brings its challenges and its joys. Be with it all in eqanimity resting in the stillness of the mind. This is my goal for today and always. Peace be with you brothers.

 

[ready2go]

Having been offline a while for a few days off and out of town, I'm wondering how it's going for you FF.  Come back when you have a chance and give us an update.  I am eager to hear of your amazing progress in beating porn.

 

[Feetfirst]

Ok so here it is. If there was any question of resetting my counter then there is no question now. 2 days ago I had a session of P or multiple sessions if I am to be accurate. Exploring down those griserly pathways as if an answer lay there for me. I actually stopped and thought before I hit the button. Don't do it. This is a really bad idea, look how far you have come. But I was past the point of reason. Boom! Hooked in again. Grrr! The next day I was as sick as a dog. (Physically that is. Mentally is a given) No idea if there is a connection but I suspect there is. So feeling rather sorry. I feel that I have not only let myself and my partner down, but also I have let you guys down, who have been such an amazing support. So, much to be learned from this. I clearly still see P as my source of relief when feeling low. So that needs to be reprogrammed. I've yet to figure out how. As an experiment I have reset my counter to exclude P, M and edging. I realize that that might mean resetting more frequently but the roots begin in edging, maybe by paying more attention to the small things the bigger things won't arise!

 

[lyon03]

Don't beat yourself up brother. It took a lot of courage to share, reflect, and reset your counter. Reading my former posts, I grandly wrote, "I gave up MO...forever." but had a wank last night. I don't feel guilty, more like a post-Big-Mac nausea. There is no shame in failure, the shame is not learning from our mistakes. I recall you mentioned being in counseling. Perhaps you were getting close to the root cause of your addiction. Anyhow. No judging here my friend, just caring. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[marsturm]

We still love you, FF, I had the same feeling of letting you guys down after my relapse, and of course I'm still here for you. Don't sweat it, you fell for the dope trap which inevitably leads to PMO. In my current reboot, I don't allow myself stuff that I did before slipping, basically using P subs for my dope highs that I wouldn't get through PMO anymore. Now whenever I feel the excitement rushing in, I turn away. I'm sure this will be easier further down the road, so it's worth getting used to it when the urges are strong. Be well, my friend, I'm rooting for you! Back up on the horse, knowing you've learned an invaluable lesson. We can do it!

 

[Feetfirst]

Memo to self from Porn on the Brain.
"If you don't know what else to do you can always wait and do nothing. Think to yourself, ?Here are cravings. They came out of nowhere and they have no real power over me. I am not my thoughts; I did not summon them; I do not want them; and I do not have to act on them.?Typically, the thought will vanish without a trace (for a time). The fact is that all urges die down eventually, usually within quarter of an hour. And if you can get through The Bad Urge you can do anything.

 

[Feetfirst]

And another:
"Don't discuss the situation with your brain. Your brain will try to rationalize porn use because it desperately wants it. The key here is not to argue with your own brain, but instead to simply acknowledge that you're having the thought, or to answer with one word: ?No?.

 

[Feetfirst]

Thank lyon, patrick and ready to go for your continued support. Lyon, you are right there is no shame in failure. Shame is a pretty complicated emotion at the best of times. When it mixes with actions that are incompehensible to us in a normal state of mind, it adds another twist. Simple solution I suppose. Don't do what you can't handle. Message to self. Bless you all. FF

 

[ready2go]

Check it out..FF back up on his horse riding tall in the saddle.  Man, what an inspiration!

 

[ianmac]

Feetfirst,

I applaud you for seeing this as long-term.  You stumbled and got up.  You've learned and adjusted your boundaries and goals in ways that will improve your success.  You're honesty and vulnerability are aiding your recovery and are an example to us.  Thanks for not giving up.

Be blessed,
Ian

 

[Feetfirst]

Thank you Ian. For those tinkering on the brink, teasing the idea, one more time can I firmly state. Don't do it. The consequences are hellish. It's been a week now and I can truly say it has gone down as one of the worst. We all know that Porn messes with you brain chemistry, there have been moments this week where I feel like I have been staring into the abyss.Each time I relapse I have it in my mind I won't tell anyone. No one need know, but of course I am in a deluded state of craving. After the event in the clear light of day, not telling my partner is not an option. So each time I break the news to her I wonder "is this going to be the straw that breaks the camels back" and in goes another stake into her heart and another barrier goes up.It kills me to witness it. Further my own humanity and integrity takes another battering. And all starting at a bit of titilation on you tube. So if you are tinkering around the edges Please.. Wake up! You are in a much more dangerous place than you realize you are and one thing is for certain... it all ends in mysery! There is no other place for it to go. Porn is not an option.