My history with P:
Having read through this forum, I count myself lucky. For my entire adult life I?ve struggled with this problem alone and ? because of this ? have thought it to be worse than it actually is.
That?s not to say that is hasn?t damaged me, far from it, but reading other peoples stories of recovery from darker places than me is heartening.
Ok then, down to my story with P.
I first M when I was nine. I?d come home from walking the family dog, far later than usual (it was the summer) and I?d missed my bed time. On the TV was a sceen in a drama of a man having sex with a woman.
When I was upstairs in bed that night, I worked out how to simulate what I saw with my hand. I don?t think I?d even heard of M then, so it was all a bit of a revelation. However, my first ever sexualy realised fantasy was based around pixels.
I then progressed onto using clothing catalogues etc. Until, a year later, I was on a school trip in France. The hotel room I was put up in hadn?t been vetted properly and had a free adult channel. It was only for a night, but it exposed me to P for the first time.
Then over the next few years I came in contact with it every now and again. I usually used clothing catalogues. But I became completely addicted to M to the point of obsession.
I brought my first P magazine when I was 12. To this day I don?t know why I wasn't refused. I brought a tone of P between then and the age of thirteen when my family got internet access. I can remember my Dad trying to put family blockers on, but he couldn?t work out how to do it properly and it kept blocking him from doing normal stuff, so he took them off.
With an internet connection (still only a modem) my P consumption increased massively. I also became exposed to some really extreme stuff at a very young age. The link site I used had allot of sick stuff on it, far more so than modern sites. The link site I used was popular as well, as I knew friends who used it. It was the normal one for us to use, which normalised what I was seeing in a really damaging way.
It wasn?t until I was 18 though that my family got broadband and I had access to high speed videos. By that time I?d already been exposed to a host of darkness which will forever twist my mind. Even before the high speed family connection, I was averaging around three or four hours a day PMOing. And that was just a normal day, I?d often go for longer at the weekends or during school holidays.
At the age of 16 I got my first girlfriend. She had no problem with using P, said it was normal and what boys did, so I never questioned my consumption. In fact, throughout all this I thought what I was doing was normal. It was just a healthy expression of my sexuality. How wrong I was.
In my early twenties I tried to stop using P for the first time. My then girlfriend had an eating disorder and my use of it hurt her massively.
It was then that I realised I had a problem, because I couldn?t stop. I ended up in a situation where I didn?t have 24/7 internet access and started buying P on mass (DVD?s, magazines). She?d fined my stashes and would go mental. Things went sour for us for a number of reasons, but my inability to stop using P certainly contributed.
Since then my life has been one endless cycle of abstain, relapse, binge, shame, repeat. I?ve struggled with ED on and off for most of that time. Looking back, my ED correlates exactly with when I?ve normalised P usage and am using heavily again.
What?s changed things for me is that the ED with my current girl is the worse it has ever been. I just go soft. Half way through. For no reason. And that?s if I can get it up at all. I end up having to make myself O and am soft throughout. My morning wood had become random and only semi-hard. Plus I was struggling to stay hard or even get hard when using P.
I?m lucky because I didn?t get access to high speed P videos until I was in my late teens. For this I am grateful. I am also grateful that I realised I had a problem in my early 20?s, but there was no information ten years ago about P addiction so I struggled to do anything about it. This meant, however, that I haven?t been using constantly throughout my 20?s, which means my mental wiring isn?t as fucked as it could be.
I?ve also had numerous sexual partners in my 20?s, so have some wiring there that has been normalised. I think the problem is that, because of the period of so called ?celibacy? I placed myself in ? which basically just meant using P three times a day, every day, as a replacement for real human contact ? that my brains really begun to wire itself up badly.
Hence why I?m here. This time I know I?m going to beat it. I'm keeping posative about my situation and putting it into a wider context, but at the same time P is something thats caused my allot of problems so I wan't it out of my life.
Thanks for listning.
Glad to hear your self-confidence is improving 
