30 year old kicking a 17 year addiction ? my journal

[Perseverance]

Day 32 -

I?ve decided to not start my day count from scratch. This is because being overly hard on myself won?t get me anywhere. I started this current reboot attempt a month ago now and, sure, a few days ago I slipped up, but that doesn?t mean this reboot attempt is over and a failure.

The main thing for me is that I *did* break the relapse cycle that?s been dogging me for years. I may have PM, but I didn?t PMO and that?s the main thing. I stopped myself. Stood back from the brink. And road it out.

I feel shaken by my slip up, but no deterred. I?m getting back into my routine and I fined inner strength in that.

At the bottom of all this is a simple fact for me: I?m better than this!

I?m a good man who does good things in a world that desperately needs it. P is the last vestige of a miss spent youth. A final ghost haunting me.

But I am going to break free of its clutches. I?ve just got to stay focused. Calm. Collected. Compassionate.

I?m not perfect. And that?s ok. There are things in this life I can change, and there are things that I can?t.

Yesterday was a good day. I spent most of it at work so was distracted, but fended off cravings when I got home in the evening. I kept myself busy finish of a heap of jobs that needed doing. And then spent the rest of the evening speaking to my girl.

Hateporn21, you asked if I?d told her about my P addiction, and the answer is yes. Although I haven?t put a time frame on it yet, she just knows that I?m a recovering P addict. I?ll tell her about the reboot when the time is right. Half the problem is admitting I was still using when we started dating, I?m not sure how she?ll respond to that revelation ? hence why I need to time it right.

Today I?m getting back fully into my routine. I have a presentation to prepare, some graphic design to produce, plus there?s my book which is also coming along brilliantly.

So yeah, I pulled myself back from the brink and ? with hindsight ? it doesn?t look as bad as it felt at the time. What a difference a day makes, eh?

 

[hateporn21]

Hi buddy

Good to know that you are back..and reading your post tells me that you are back in good mood. Take your time to tell your girl about your P habit. No hurries. Its not easy and simple. And no worries for the delay in telling her..... Its same with everyone.

Keep up your good self now... BTW what are you writing in your book? I am a bit curious.

Porn gives us immediate pleasure and takes the real feeling of pleasure from us. But all the activities like your book writing can bring you rewards and pleasure and help you cheerup and take you out of this addiction. Keep up your writing work. Being focused is the key. The irony is that we know all this and still we dont abide by it. Let it be...

I have been doing good. Now my parents have gone back to the hometown, I will be alone in the evenings after I go back to home from work. Challenging times ahead for me. Lets see how they go...

 

[pinkerton]

Glad to hear you're still at it. Keep with it, it's awesome that you stopped yourself and reading about your journey helps me with mine.

 

[Perseverance]

Day 34 -

Yesterday went well. I was rushing like mad to get a presentation finished, so was nicely distracted but didn't have time to post on here. I only got back home at around 2 in the morning (the venue was a good three hours? drive away from where I live) so went straight to bed and managed to ignore my cravings.

The presentation was a big success as well, which has put me on a high. This is the first of many such talks I'll be giving this year so its gotten off to a good start.

Woke up with wood this morning, which is good. Although it didn't last long. Managing to silence P fantasies as they pop up. I've developed a technique for myself where, when ever thoughts of P arise, I focus my mind on a set symbol that blots out the intrusive thoughts. Since my MP slip, these thoughts have become intrusive again (mainly of what I saw when I slipped), so this technique is helping me get back on track.

Hopefully today will go smoothly, although I?ve learned not to make arrogant predictions this early on.

BTW what are you writing in your book? I am a bit curious.

Porn gives us immediate pleasure and takes the real feeling of pleasure from us. But all the activities like your book writing can bring you rewards and pleasure and help you cheerup and take you out of this addiction. Keep up your writing work. Being focused is the key. The irony is that we know all this and still we don?t abide by it. Let it be...

Hi Hapteporn21

I'd rather not say what my book is. The level of anonymity this board presents is important to me as it allows me to open up more. But the book is going well, I can assure you of that

And your right about the short term pleasure that P gives us at the expense of the long term. This fact is what?s driving me. I managed to connect with my girl in a way that I've haven?t with another person in years and I've still got a long way to go. I will tell her about my current reboot, but only probably at the two month marker. Until then, I'm going to continue to talk to her about my P addiction so she gets normalised to the idea.

Glad to hear that you?re doing good! You hang in there now your parents have left buddy. As the saying goes, the bigger the challenge the greater the reward. We're all rooting for you here. And remember, you?re not alone either. You've realised something that modern medical science is being slow to pick up, which puts you massively ahead of the game. What your doing will help other people now and in the future

pinkerton:

Hi there dude. Thanks for the words of support and I'm glad that what I'm writing is helping you Makes my journey feel more worthwhile. Keep on trucking!

 

[chiefmitch88]

Really glad to hear of your success with the presentation. Great work!  ;D

 

[Perseverance]

Day 35 -

Didn't wake up with wood this morning. But am feeling positive about the rest of today.

Yesterday was strangely tough. Kept on stumbling upon triggering material on-line and having to physically block the screen with my hands and click away.

The amount of times this happened produced some mid-level cravings that, although not strong, where very persistent and long lasting which made it hard for me to focus upon my work.

My anxiety levels are dropping considerably at the moment, which is good. I'm feeling more confident about things and about certain obligations I have to fulfil - many of them in a very public format, so I'm glad the constant worrying about failure and rejection is ebbing away. Not sure if this is because of the reboot exclusively (P abuse has always exasperated other underling social anxiety issues I have), but I'm certain that it?s contributing.

chiefmitch88: Thanks for the support buddy, much appreciated

 

[Berens]

HeyPerseverance. Good job on not letting yourself view anything arousal on the screen, you have got definitely correct mindset.

 

[Perseverance]

I hate it I have blockers set up, but there's still so much crap out there...

And don't get me started on advertising billboards and magazine racks in the real world!

We live in a hyper-sexualised society; no wonder so many of us have ended up addicted to this shit. We've been conditioned to consume it pretty much from the moment we were born... :-X

 

[hateporn21]

Hi buddy,

Hope you are doing good and sticking to kicking your addiction.

You are very much right to state that we are conditioned to this shit since we were born. I totally agree with you. This internet and television are full of shit. Last night I came back home, switched on TV and found advertising selling ladies night wear....that was crazy. My brain started to think about opening my laptop right there and then. Dont know what stopped me and how only after I changed the channel I could save myself from falling into the trap. Its really scary.

Anyways we have to fight it buddy. We all. You and me. Dont bother about these things. They will be there for our lifetime. We just have to start living with ignoring them and concentrating on meaningful things in life.

Thanks for your support buddy. Keep writing. Best wishes.

 

[Perseverance]

Day 42 -

Struggling this morning. Had my girl around for the last few days so couldn?t get time to right here. Now she?s gone I?m getting my usual cravings for surrogate pixel release.

Not going to give in. Found myself beginning to edge slightly on Facebook just now, so came over here to write instead.

I?m getting out of the house for most of the day which will keep me away from the web.

So far, so good, however. I?m braking this cycle of relapse this time around, which is great. I have not PMO for over a month now, so things are getting better.

That slipup I had a week or so ago left its mark however. My PIED and DE came back last weekend when my girl came around. By the end of her time at my house, however, I could feel that my brain had already started rewire to real life instead of the hyper real simulations that P offers. My DE didn?t diminish, but my PIED did. So things are looking good on that department.

I?m feeling very grateful at the moment for everything I have in my life. I?ve been on a long journey, and once I?ve kicked P, I?ll be drastically closer to living the sort of adult life I?ve craved.

Thanks for listening

 

[Perseverance]

Last night I came back home, switched on TV and found advertising selling ladies night wear....that was crazy. My brain started to think about opening my laptop right there and then. Dont know what stopped me and how only after I changed the channel I could save myself from falling into the trap. Its really scary.

Hi there buddy,

That?s one of the reasons why I just don't watch TV. I have a very tight blocker on my laptop which helps keep most of this little triggers away, but TV is just to much. The images are moving pixels as well, which I fined way more triggering than still photos.

"We just have to start living with ignoring them and concentrating on meaningful things in life."

Your completely right on this. There's so much more to life than these destructive distractions. I've been trying to focus on these things allot - especially after your advice here - and also to be grateful for them. P makes us selfish (as is the nature of any addiction) so I fined practicing gratefulness helps undermine its grip over me.

Anyway, hope your hanging in there buddy and are still fighting this monster in your life. You'll slay it eventually, I know it

 

[Perseverance]

Day 42, evening -

Wow. What a weird day. Keep getting intrusive thoughts. But I'm pushing them away. I know I'll just feel crap if I give in. That one little slip up a couple of weeks ago had a huge effect.

I swear the deeper into this process I go, the more awake I'm becoming. I'm noticing things all around me that I've never noticed before. The worlds becoming more alive. I've been trying to kick this for nearly ten years, but I've never done a proper no MO reboot before. The results are interesting to say the least...

 

[NoMo]

Hey Perseverance, I just got done reading your journal. It's really awesome seeing someone else do this deal. I relate a lot to your story - also an alcoholic, sober for a year and a half now, doing a 12-step program. Been struggling with my PMO addiction and stumbled over here to rebootnation. What an eye-opener...

Just want to say that your posts give me hope and reassure me that I'm not alone, and it's not just me, so thanks! Keep going for it man!

 

[hateporn21]

Hi buddy,

How are you? Hope you are doing fine and in good spirits.

Bad news for me. I relapsed after 34 days. I could not take the the things as I should have. After my parents left, I was all alone at home and with laptop and internet connection, I screwed myself.

I am back here and I feel better writing here. I have started going to gym in mornings and also started cycling. I need to counter whatever free time I get at home in a better way. May be leaving my laptop or internet stick in office can help.

Thanks for your support buddy. I need your support even more.

Keep trucking...

 

[AoMSentMe]

I swear the deeper into this process I go, the more awake I'm becoming. I'm noticing things all around me that I've never noticed before. The worlds becoming more alive. I've been trying to kick this for nearly ten years, but I've never done a proper no MO reboot before. The results are interesting to say the least...

I've had some of that experience myself. Amazing how much it can cloud things like a drug. Good luck as you keep making progress in this journey!