30 year old kicking a 17 year addiction ? my journal

[Perseverance]

Hi,

I am a thirty year old recovering alcoholic. I have been sober and drug free for two and a half years. I also gave up smoking eighteen months ago. My life has improved and, after the nightmare that was my twenties (homelessness, physical and emotional abuse from so called ?friends?, deaths of close friends ? all related or exasperated by my use of drink, drugs and porn) is really looking up.

But here?s the problem. I kicked my alcoholism. I kicked my drug use. I even kicked my 150g of tobacco a week smoking habit. But Porn? Holy fucking dopamine addiction Batman! This shit is a nightmare to kick.

Internet porn is insane. If, when I had been trying to quit alcohol, I had the ability to carry around with me a 24 hour free bar with every drink I could ever possibly want in it then? well, I?d probably be typing this from behind bars right now. Or worse?

For the past five years, from the moment I first realised I needed to do something about my addictions, I have been trying to kick this habit. And up until now, each time I?ve failed. Not this time though. This time I will beat this. It?s the *last* daemon I need to slay. It twists and damages me in ways I can?t talk to anyone about. Prevents me from having normal relationships with people. Isolates me from the world outside. And above all, makes me hate myself.

I am currently three days clean. I know that?s not very long ? and I?ve gone for months without in the past ? but considering how, since I kicked the drink and drugs, porn has just stepped in as its replacement, this is a big thing for me.

I did manage to stop using porn for around five months about a year into my alcohol recovery. Things were going good. But then I got a new girlfriend. There was no ED, thank the Gods! But? all of a sudden I fined the porn daemons taking control of my hands again. The sex triggerd a relapse. I did have mega tight internet blockers on my computer, but there?s always a way around them if you edge long enough. And hell, these blockers make edging even more fun in a weird way.

And then the relationship failed. Quite quickly and quiet spectacularly. I didn?t hit the bottle to cope with it. But I did reach for my laptop?

A part of me feels that the only possible way for me to overcome my internet porn addiction and re-obtain a normal sex life would be to get rid of my laptop entirely. But I can?t do that.

Firstly, I?m currently writing my first novel. I want to right professionally and already have interest from an international literary agency in my work. I am also dyslexic, so *need* access to a word processor to wright. Hence why getting rid of computers in my life is not an option.

Secondly, I am an event organiser. I won?t say what the events are over here, but I use the internet (and Facebook in particular) to organise large scale international events. This is a big part of my life. To disconnect from the web would render me unable to organise events that run everywhere from Australia to the US.

An inability to do what gives my life meaning could cause me to relapse into other old habits. Like the bottle of red wine I used to drink every morning with my breakfast. I need to stay sober as the destruction alcohol has wrought upon my life is considerable.

I?ve spent weeks designing an internet blocker that I think is impenetrable. But, when I find my hands entering in search words to start edging (which I know they will do), I need something else to do.

And here?s where this journal and this community comes in. I hope what I write here helps not only me, but other people going through this problem.

Because I know there is light at the end of this tunnel.

I know that the porn daemon can be beaten.

And I know that, this time, I will reboot.

 

[AoMSentMe]

Sounds like a tough journey, but you're getting there! I've struggled with the boozing myself, to the point where my doctor felt I should be evaluated for alcoholism (I didn't end up being clinically diagnosed as such, but it was close.) These days I don't drink nearly as much, in fact I've slowed down a lot it seems in the last year. But porn has been much harder to kick. Like you, I'm always around computers and the Internet, being that I am a computer programmer/IT tech. That also means I can always find away around blocking software. So far, for, having this forum and some accountability is a big help. I hope it helps you too. Good luck!

 

[hellexfire]

Dude, I get it.
I can't tell you how many times I've thought that kicking heroin's ass looks like a joke next to this. I'd rather kick the drug bucket any day again over this.

Here's what I figured out: Sex/Masturbation is so personal. It's something we can completely hide (just about) without being accountable for it. Drugs will find you out and you'll have your drug buddies anyway. Tobacco will find you out and you'll have your smoke friends too. Alcohol, the same. Sexuality is deeply personal and we can hide it for an indefinite period of time and we don't (typically) share it with others. We don't usually have P/MO friends. Its nature is completely isolating.

Until you can't perform. Most people don't recognize a lack of intimate bonds or meaningful sexuality. It hits us when we can't perform or can't figure out why there's a constant dissatisfaction.

Reality will never, ever compete with fantasy. Fantasy is a made-up world where we are all our own princes or queens and our every desire is quenched. I fell into fantasy and became my own self-made God, selfish and saturated with indulgence. I forgot man- fantasy isn't real. x

 

[Perseverance]

Day Four:

Today is the first day since I started my reboot that I?ve had strong cravings. Spent most of the morning in the outside world, which hasn?t helped. Adverts showing beautiful, scantily clad women everywhere.

I?ve experienced the usual tight chested sensations, shortness of breath and low level dizziness that accompanies an urge to use, but thus far I?ve been able to keep myself focused on sustaining my reboot process.

?My brain is just craving a Dopamine hit,? I?m telling myself. ?These urges aren?t natural, but are the product of an addiction programed into your head from a young age. Do you want to be free? Or do you want to be a slave??

To me, the answer is easy. Freedom is the only option.

Coming on and reading the previous comments has also helped. It?s good to no longer feel quite so alone and isolated with this. Every reboot attempt I?ve ever undertaken has been done on my own, so this forum will help massivly.

AoMSentMe: Thanks for the support, very much appreciated. Big respect for tackling the drink issue. It?s a tough one all in its own right as, amongst other things, the vast majority of our society relies upon it to help lubricate social conventions/interactions. So yeah, I hope you keep it under control and also hope your current reboot process is successful.

hellexfire: Your so completely right about the isolating nature of this addiction. It happens behind closed doors. Out of sight. Out of mind. Its taboo nature is what makes getting help all the harder. People are more prone to understand the way coming off drink/drugs will affect your emotional and physical states. But with this stuff, well, telling people you?re going through it means you run the risk of falling victim to certain forms of discrimination. Hence why this forum is so important. Its a safe place for us to speak openly about our addiction and our efforts to over come it 

 

[neon tiger]

Welcome perseverance- you're in the right place.

I too have a history of substance use, and there are so many ways that this process is similar to what went through when i recovered from substance abuse.  The anxiety i was living though at the beginning of this process was like nothing I've experienced before. It fades away though, and things start to slowly turn around- believe me.

Carry on, and come here often, for strength and inspiration.

 

[Perseverance]

Thank you neon tiger, hearing from someone who has been through this really helps I am currently struggling with cravings so came back here to read peoples experiences. Its working, which is a good thing. This place rocks

 

[Perseverance]

Day Five - Morning:

Things started hard today. Literally. Had full wood for a change and found it massively difficult not to MO. I did not, however, do my usual morning routine of PMO, which is good. Have come on here to help keep me focused.

Didn't get off to sleep last night until gone three in the morning. Not being able to do my normal evening routine of PMO is effecting my sleep pattern. I've become dependent on it to sleep and, now that it?s not there, I am struggling to naturally shut my brain down for the day.

I'm really hoping the stuff I'm reading is correct and that my brain can re-boot. I know that with alcohol and other substance abuses, once a drinker/smoker you?re always a drinker/smoker. Its logical to me, however, that because the nature of pornography addiction is different to other forms of addiction, that it is possible fully reboot your brain from the damage it causes.

 

[gotta_change]

I also have issues with sleep when I'm with no porn. I will wake up an hour after I get sleep totally out of my mind with porn. I think this is what scares me the most

 

[Perseverance]

Day Six -

Almost gone a week now without PMO or even MO, so things are going good. Today has been ok, no major cravings. Spent most of last night talking to a girl I'm seeing and was tired after that so got to sleep ok. Almost MO this morning, but there was no sensation down there, even though I awoke hard. The lack of sensation was enough to make me stop after a second or so, as its a clear sign this reboot attempt is needed.

I also have issues with sleep when I'm with no porn. I will wake up an hour after I get sleep totally out of my mind with porn. I think this is what scares me the most

I'm so glad I'm not alone in this! The waking up in the middle of night completely out of my mind and out of control for P is one of the things that makes me fail - I always thought it was just me beeing weird. Guess I was wrong

It?s like I'm not fully awake and, therefore, my subconscious is completely in control of my body instead of my rational mined that knows that porn is not an option. It?s a nightmare

 

[Perseverance]

Day Seven -

One week clean today!  8)

Things are going good. I'm keeping myself as busy as possible, plus doing things during trigger times (like before I go to sleep) to keep myself distracted.

Being able to come on here and read people?s stories whenever I get a craving is also helping.

So thank you to everyone here for being awesome 

 

[Perseverance]

Day Seven ? Evening:

Really struggling this evening. Everything was going so well all day, but certain realisations about my personal/professional life have hit me hard.

Am I wasting my time dedicating everything I have to writing this book? Will it just be a failure like everything else in my life?

Have I taken on to much volunteer work for the coming year and should I back out of certain obligations before things really get going? If I do this, then it will make me look really, really bad in front of allot of people I have allot of respect for. But I just don?t think I?ll be able to do it?

I?m currently pulling 12/13/14 hour days every day on my book (when I?m not at work that is, it feels like I haven?t had a full day off in months?), and I just don?t have the time to meet other obligations that are required of me. This is stressing me out massively, and I really, really just want to PMO to block out all the negative thoughts. Whilst I?m watching P all my stresses go away. It shuts down my brain in ways drugs never could.

I?m having to face my emotions now and the anxiety is killing me. Ever since I was a kid, I?ve used P to help program my emotions. Which means I haven?t learnt to properly deal with them in an adult way. The same process happened when I was coming off alcohol and even cigarettes. It?s like you have to learn how to feel all over again.

There are big, life choices/pressures baring down on me and the 13 year old inside me wants to reach for the P. I know that can?t happen though. I?m just going to have to ride this one out on my own.

 

[AoMSentMe]

Congrats on a full week Perseverance! Sorry to hear you're having a tough night, I am too. Just been trying to surround myself with people so I don't have the opportunity. Hang in there, and good luck!

 

[Perseverance]

Day Eight ? Morning:

Last night I almost slipped. My anxiety got on top of me. The realisation that I?ve taken on to much work wise and will need to lose face in front of people I respect is a big one. I hate failing. And I hated having to face those emotions.

Thank the Gods for internet blockers though! I use K9 Web Protect and have customised it to offer some iron clad protection. However, I can find my way around the system if I?m really dedicated. It acts more like a hurdle that slows me up long enough to regain control.

And that?s what it did last night. I?d decided to relapse. And boy did it feel good! In that moment of relapse, all I ever feel is relief ? ?this is who I am?, I tell myself, ?stop lying to yourself and deal with it.? But the blocker tripped me up It held me up just long enough for my rational brain to say ?Stop! You will hate yourself in the morning if you give in now. And what about that girl you?re seeing? When you meet up in two weeks time, you?ll have PIED and all the stress that involves!?

And I stopped myself. I actually pulled myself back from the brink.

I came on here, left my last comment and read some people journals. AoMSentMe, thanks for leaving that reply ? it?s really what saved me, as I suddenly didn?t feel like this isolated dude alone in his room dealing with all this by himself. Thanks for commenting when you did dude, means allot

I?ve decided to start setting myself little goals. This is what I did when kicking substances, so I don?t know why I haven?t done this with P.

I?ve made it to a week, so my next goal will be 14 days.

I?m also going to keep talking to the girl I?m seeing each evening, as last night I didn?t and the resulting situation happened.

Well, all I can say now is, roll on week two! I?m not stopping trucking that easily

 

[Perseverance]

Day Eight ? Afternoon:

Is all this anxiety part of the withdrawal process?

I?ve suffered with some crippling anxiety at various times in my life, but I thought I?d beaten it. I?ve read other people say that the opening stages of the Reboot can be wrought with intense anxiety. So I guess this is part of the process?

But I?m paranoid and anxious. Can?t focus on things properly. It?s not even like I?m craving to PMO. But all of a sudden, allot of things are stressing me out massively.

I?m worried because, in the past, when I?ve been kicking things, I?ve lost friendships and relationships because of how the process changes me and makes me a mess for a short time. I?m currently seeing a new girl and I don?t want to have yet another relationship destroyed because of the stress me quitting places on things.

Perhaps I should speak to her about this at some point. I think she?ll understand?

But then there?s all the other responsibilities in my life. Is my pendulum swinging emotional state in regards to them, just because of the reboot? The more I think about it, the more I feel that it is. I guess, in the past when I was trying to reboot, I just never attributed these feelings to the process because I didn?t think you could get withdrawal symptoms. Reading stuff on this forum has been massively enlightening. Being able to also then condense me thoughts and feelings into words is also really helpful.

Right, this anxiety I?m feeling, about my book, about the projects I?m involved in and about my life in general ? none of it is real! It?s a side effect of what I?m going through. I?ve just gota get through it.

Thanks for listening.

 

[chiefmitch88]

Hey Perseverance, welcome to the forum.

I am right there with you. I know that anxiety well. It's like standing in a bombed-out warzone and then starting to realize that the smoking ruins are all the result of an airstrike that I called down upon my own head. I'd often look in any every direction and see nothing but failure. Even paying the bills or discussing simple financial issues with my wife were enough to send me into a binge session. I could find any excuse to PMO. Anything to avoid the storm of emotions that my addict mind would only add mass to by obsessing until I'd cave for my dopamine fix. Edging for hours, chatting online, completely disrespecting the sanctity of my marriage and blaming it on my wife's lack of adventurousness or understanding.

This part is completely normal. Anxiety and obsession is part of the cycle. Shame>Trigger>Obsession>Act Out/Relapse>Shame. My obsessions were usually at the core of my anxiety. And I came to understand that I can obsess over just about anything. Anything to avoid actually facing the problems that I needed to address in my own life then numbing with avoidance behaviors like PMO and marijuana. Seek a solution rather than dwelling on the problem. Ask yourself what step you might be able to take that would help your current situation. It might be as simple as taking a walk.

I have ridden the PMO ride far too many times and it only leaves you feeling empty. You can't get enough of what doesn't satisfy you.

 

[Perseverance]

Day Eight ? Evening:

Just finished my evening shift at my job. Couldn?t focus. Couldn?t do the work fast enough. Didn?t get in trouble, but it still meant others had to pull the slack I caused which I don?t like.

I?m coming to realise how much of a lie my life has been, and its dragging me deep deep down.

I thought I was sober. I thought I was clean. I thought I?d learnt to deal with my emotions instead of re-programing them by consuming some substance or other.

But I haven?t.

I may have stopped putting physical things inside my body, but instead I kept feeding my brain with a different sort of poison.

Coming off the drugs I was on (mainly recreational chemicals and cannabis), kicking the drinking, stopping smoking ? overcoming all these daemons has been an epic journey for me.

I know an addict can never *not* be in recovery, but I thought I?d managed to stop emotionally programing myself and learnt how to feel on my own.

And this is why I?m crashing right now.

I?m not clean. I?m not clean at all. And I never really have been.

I thought I?d managed five months off P. But that was more to do with circumstance than anything else. I didn?t have access to an internet connection for most of it. I was also still smoking then, so I had another addiction to emotionally hide behind which lessoned the effects for me massively.

And I was still compulsively MOing all the time. And during that time I did relapse. But it was over really softcore stuff so, in my mind back then, that didn?t count as a relapse.

I?ve spent the last year and a half deliberately being celibate. This is what sucks the most. Because I haven?t been celibate. Not at all. I?ve just swapped women for P 100% and dressed the addiction up in high morals.

I?m looking at the last year of my life and it feels like the worst lie of all. I tell people I?m straight-edge, but I?m not. I tell myself I?m sober, but I?m not.

I?ve wasted a year of my life and I wasn?t even aware I was doing it! A part of me wants to laugh, the other part wants to scream.

Having read through this forum, I can now look at this entire process with different eyes.

There are so many little incidents, to many to list here, that now make sense. My P abuse has always been woven tightly in with my drink and drug abuse, I just never realised. One would trigger the other in an endless circle of shame.

I?ve tried so many times to kick P, but not realising it had physical withdrawal symptoms I put the anxiety and mental fatigue down to other sources. And promptly always failed.

Even after all this (and what I?ve put here isn?t even a fraction of everything) I?m still not clean. I?m still not in control of my own emotions.

And now I?ve got another giant monster lurching up from my subconscious to slay.

Strangely though, the fact I now understand the psychology of this, is making me even more determined. I?ve got more of the tools required to beat this.

I?ve been here before with other drugs. And that?s what P is. A drug. If I can do what I?ve already done, then I can kick this nasty little monster which has snuck under my radar.

Being a man is not about being some pseudo-Rock Star wannabe. It?s about being in control of your life. Focused. Determined. And brave.

I can?t be any of these things if I?m running away to hide in P whenever anything goes wrong.

P is not an option! I can do this, because I *need* to do this!

Thanks for listening.

 

[Perseverance]

Even paying the bills or discussing simple financial issues with my wife were enough to send me into a binge session.

Wow, thanks for sharing that. It makes my reactions to the small things make more sense. I often fined it?s the small things that are the hardest to deal with, actually. Possibly because I?m the hardest on myself for how I react to them. They are, after all, only small?

Perhaps I should give myself a break sometimes

And your right, I need to seek solutions. That?s one of the reasons why I come here I fined writing here helps take my mind off things. Hence why I wright quite allot

I?m also working hell for leather on my book, which is a trick I learnt a few years ago. I?m an addict. I get obsessed with things. So instead of getting obsessed with bad things like drink and sex, instead I learn?t to get obsessed with productive things ? like organising big events, or writing my first novel

I love your closing line btw. That?s so true.

"You can't get enough of what doesn't satisfy you"

I?m going to put that on my wall

 

[Perseverance]

Day Nine -

Good day today. Still struggling to keep emotional controle in certain situations, but things have flowed more easily than the last few days 

 

[AoMSentMe]

Damn Perseverance, sounds like you've had a tough couple of days, but congrats at keeping control. Glad to hear today was a better day - hope it continues!

 

[Perseverance]

Day Ten:

Been at my job all day. Things are going smoothly. Talking allot to the girl I'm seeing, which is helping. Had a few weird moments with her because of my difficulty with keeping focused and confident. But managed to not let my emotions swerve to wieldy in the wrong direction.

I'm wondering if I should tell her... Not sure how to yet, and I'm worried about a negative response, but I'm thinking about trusting her.

I'm more focused after my wobble a few days ago. That was hard. Realising how much I've been lying to myself... Its weird. The collective information gathered on this Forum is having such a massive effect on this Reboot attempt and I'm not even two weeks in.

Thanks for the continued support AoMSentMe, means allot. I hope things are going well for you