Perseverance
Member
Hi,
I am a thirty year old recovering alcoholic. I have been sober and drug free for two and a half years. I also gave up smoking eighteen months ago. My life has improved and, after the nightmare that was my twenties (homelessness, physical and emotional abuse from so called ?friends?, deaths of close friends ? all related or exasperated by my use of drink, drugs and porn) is really looking up.
But here?s the problem. I kicked my alcoholism. I kicked my drug use. I even kicked my 150g of tobacco a week smoking habit. But Porn? Holy fucking dopamine addiction Batman! This shit is a nightmare to kick.
Internet porn is insane. If, when I had been trying to quit alcohol, I had the ability to carry around with me a 24 hour free bar with every drink I could ever possibly want in it then? well, I?d probably be typing this from behind bars right now. Or worse?
For the past five years, from the moment I first realised I needed to do something about my addictions, I have been trying to kick this habit. And up until now, each time I?ve failed. Not this time though. This time I will beat this. It?s the *last* daemon I need to slay. It twists and damages me in ways I can?t talk to anyone about. Prevents me from having normal relationships with people. Isolates me from the world outside. And above all, makes me hate myself.
I am currently three days clean. I know that?s not very long ? and I?ve gone for months without in the past ? but considering how, since I kicked the drink and drugs, porn has just stepped in as its replacement, this is a big thing for me.
I did manage to stop using porn for around five months about a year into my alcohol recovery. Things were going good. But then I got a new girlfriend. There was no ED, thank the Gods! But? all of a sudden I fined the porn daemons taking control of my hands again. The sex triggerd a relapse. I did have mega tight internet blockers on my computer, but there?s always a way around them if you edge long enough. And hell, these blockers make edging even more fun in a weird way.
And then the relationship failed. Quite quickly and quiet spectacularly. I didn?t hit the bottle to cope with it. But I did reach for my laptop?
A part of me feels that the only possible way for me to overcome my internet porn addiction and re-obtain a normal sex life would be to get rid of my laptop entirely. But I can?t do that.
Firstly, I?m currently writing my first novel. I want to right professionally and already have interest from an international literary agency in my work. I am also dyslexic, so *need* access to a word processor to wright. Hence why getting rid of computers in my life is not an option.
Secondly, I am an event organiser. I won?t say what the events are over here, but I use the internet (and Facebook in particular) to organise large scale international events. This is a big part of my life. To disconnect from the web would render me unable to organise events that run everywhere from Australia to the US.
An inability to do what gives my life meaning could cause me to relapse into other old habits. Like the bottle of red wine I used to drink every morning with my breakfast. I need to stay sober as the destruction alcohol has wrought upon my life is considerable.
I?ve spent weeks designing an internet blocker that I think is impenetrable. But, when I find my hands entering in search words to start edging (which I know they will do), I need something else to do.
And here?s where this journal and this community comes in. I hope what I write here helps not only me, but other people going through this problem.
Because I know there is light at the end of this tunnel.
I know that the porn daemon can be beaten.
And I know that, this time, I will reboot.
I am a thirty year old recovering alcoholic. I have been sober and drug free for two and a half years. I also gave up smoking eighteen months ago. My life has improved and, after the nightmare that was my twenties (homelessness, physical and emotional abuse from so called ?friends?, deaths of close friends ? all related or exasperated by my use of drink, drugs and porn) is really looking up.
But here?s the problem. I kicked my alcoholism. I kicked my drug use. I even kicked my 150g of tobacco a week smoking habit. But Porn? Holy fucking dopamine addiction Batman! This shit is a nightmare to kick.
Internet porn is insane. If, when I had been trying to quit alcohol, I had the ability to carry around with me a 24 hour free bar with every drink I could ever possibly want in it then? well, I?d probably be typing this from behind bars right now. Or worse?
For the past five years, from the moment I first realised I needed to do something about my addictions, I have been trying to kick this habit. And up until now, each time I?ve failed. Not this time though. This time I will beat this. It?s the *last* daemon I need to slay. It twists and damages me in ways I can?t talk to anyone about. Prevents me from having normal relationships with people. Isolates me from the world outside. And above all, makes me hate myself.
I am currently three days clean. I know that?s not very long ? and I?ve gone for months without in the past ? but considering how, since I kicked the drink and drugs, porn has just stepped in as its replacement, this is a big thing for me.
I did manage to stop using porn for around five months about a year into my alcohol recovery. Things were going good. But then I got a new girlfriend. There was no ED, thank the Gods! But? all of a sudden I fined the porn daemons taking control of my hands again. The sex triggerd a relapse. I did have mega tight internet blockers on my computer, but there?s always a way around them if you edge long enough. And hell, these blockers make edging even more fun in a weird way.
And then the relationship failed. Quite quickly and quiet spectacularly. I didn?t hit the bottle to cope with it. But I did reach for my laptop?
A part of me feels that the only possible way for me to overcome my internet porn addiction and re-obtain a normal sex life would be to get rid of my laptop entirely. But I can?t do that.
Firstly, I?m currently writing my first novel. I want to right professionally and already have interest from an international literary agency in my work. I am also dyslexic, so *need* access to a word processor to wright. Hence why getting rid of computers in my life is not an option.
Secondly, I am an event organiser. I won?t say what the events are over here, but I use the internet (and Facebook in particular) to organise large scale international events. This is a big part of my life. To disconnect from the web would render me unable to organise events that run everywhere from Australia to the US.
An inability to do what gives my life meaning could cause me to relapse into other old habits. Like the bottle of red wine I used to drink every morning with my breakfast. I need to stay sober as the destruction alcohol has wrought upon my life is considerable.
I?ve spent weeks designing an internet blocker that I think is impenetrable. But, when I find my hands entering in search words to start edging (which I know they will do), I need something else to do.
And here?s where this journal and this community comes in. I hope what I write here helps not only me, but other people going through this problem.
Because I know there is light at the end of this tunnel.
I know that the porn daemon can be beaten.
And I know that, this time, I will reboot.