154622
When I look at it, the number 16, it just seems ludicrous. 16 years of compromising my values, 16 years of filth. 16 wasted years. Well not completely wasted. I have learned quite a bit over these past 16.
It started young. I remember seeing my dad's porn mags at a very young age. Something like 6 years old. But my mother has mentioned a table my dad had when I was 3 that he had shellacked porn into. Who knows if that effected me. But I began looking at porn on line around age 20. I didn't even know what the internet was at first.
I had just begun working for AOL as a phone tech when a friend showed me what a search engine was. Up until them, I thought that the internet was just chat rooms. I was still clueless and he had to explain that I could look up "a-n-y t-h-i-n-g" I wanted to. And he had to say it real slow also. Then he demonstrated by pulling up a site about spam. Like the meat product in a can. I still didn't get it, until I started looking for warez sites for "free" software.
That is when I came across my first xxx site. I have been hooked ever since.
So, a little about me. I am a Christian. Made a commitment to follow Christ when I was 14, got serious about it about18. Also sstarted dating my first real girlfriend about that time. She had a child and she was 18 also. Lost my Burgundy to her at 19, and broke up with her at 20ish. During the first year of out relationship I decided I was going to so masturebating for good (felt that it was wrong because of my faith) so I went a month with out, had to run to the restroom during church service, because I just randomly began to ejaculate during worship. And thought to my self, "this not masturbating thing is for the birds." It didn't shake my faith, just made me realise that we are flesh and blood creatures, and that to avoid embarrassing myself in church, I had to take care of business sometimes.
As a side note, that subject was never mentioned in church, I was just trying to do what I thought was right at the time.
So, anyway, fast forward a bit. And there I am having sex with my girlfriend for almost a year. Probably went to see the movie titanic in the theater about 50 times. Only made it in to the theater once though, the rest of the time I spent a lot of money on hotels.
Then the break up, then I find out what the internet is for, then I begin my decent.
I moved in with my pastor for a year or two. His son is my best friend to this day. They had a computer, and I already felt like a complete failure as a christian because of my messed up relationship. So I jumped head long in to porn. I started simple enough. Looking at partial nudity, nothing hard. It didn't help that I also like to draw, and convinced myself that I was just looking for a subject for art purposes.
Then I moved in with my sister for a few years and had more freedom and time alone. That's were I started bingeing. I never wanted to see male parts, so I would stricktly look at lesbian porn. For hours and hours. I would probably pmo 3 to 5 times a day. That's when I learned I was ambidextrous.
Then I went to job Corp for a few years and couldn't pmo for most of my time there. But that didn't stop me from mo'ing without the p. Until I graduated from a computer repair college with a free computer. Then it was back on.
After job Corp, I went head long into the abyss again. Pmoing for another 7 years ish until I rededicated my life to good. Went a year with out internet, and thus no pmo. (Financial reasons, not self control) but because of my experience with the no masturbating thing as a teen, and the embarrassing church ejac, I never gave up masturbating . so when I got internet again, I was back at the hard stuff again.
A few years later, ended up in Florida, good job, nice apt. High speed internet, all alone. my taste started to change. Mouth was of limits now, and I felt like the sickest scum of the earth there is. Stated dating a 19 year old with daddyissues, she threw herself at me, and after the third date, I caved. She was hot too. But, that is when I found out that I couldn't Finnish.... In fact I faked it lol.... Not really funny, but there I was, and I could tell she was getting bored, and I was getting soft.
On and off for a few months, we would have sex, and I found that I could finish with her if I thought of porn. But only once a night, and that is if I didn't MO the day before. that ended, I moved again, and here I am, stuck in the pattern.
I've tried to stop PMO several times, but no success. Found the site yourbrainonporn. Com, or org, and watched all the videos. Read several of the articles, and began again. This last time I made it 3 days, (long enough for the sore I was developing to heal up) then failed.
To day is my second day this time no PMO. it is 2:13 am, and I decided to start my blog to keep my mind ocupied. Cutting the internet off at the end of the month because I have my brother living with me and he has no motivation to get a job. But I also know that I have no self control when it comes to porn.
I will have access to the net up at the church, so I will hope to keep the blog going.
Any ways, that is me.
Day 2.
No more PMO ever. though, I am not going to beat my self up over just MO. But I need to limit that at first to.
Maybe once every 2 weeks? (Still scared from that church experience)
When I look at it, the number 16, it just seems ludicrous. 16 years of compromising my values, 16 years of filth. 16 wasted years. Well not completely wasted. I have learned quite a bit over these past 16.
It started young. I remember seeing my dad's porn mags at a very young age. Something like 6 years old. But my mother has mentioned a table my dad had when I was 3 that he had shellacked porn into. Who knows if that effected me. But I began looking at porn on line around age 20. I didn't even know what the internet was at first.
I had just begun working for AOL as a phone tech when a friend showed me what a search engine was. Up until them, I thought that the internet was just chat rooms. I was still clueless and he had to explain that I could look up "a-n-y t-h-i-n-g" I wanted to. And he had to say it real slow also. Then he demonstrated by pulling up a site about spam. Like the meat product in a can. I still didn't get it, until I started looking for warez sites for "free" software.
That is when I came across my first xxx site. I have been hooked ever since.
So, a little about me. I am a Christian. Made a commitment to follow Christ when I was 14, got serious about it about18. Also sstarted dating my first real girlfriend about that time. She had a child and she was 18 also. Lost my Burgundy to her at 19, and broke up with her at 20ish. During the first year of out relationship I decided I was going to so masturebating for good (felt that it was wrong because of my faith) so I went a month with out, had to run to the restroom during church service, because I just randomly began to ejaculate during worship. And thought to my self, "this not masturbating thing is for the birds." It didn't shake my faith, just made me realise that we are flesh and blood creatures, and that to avoid embarrassing myself in church, I had to take care of business sometimes.
As a side note, that subject was never mentioned in church, I was just trying to do what I thought was right at the time.
So, anyway, fast forward a bit. And there I am having sex with my girlfriend for almost a year. Probably went to see the movie titanic in the theater about 50 times. Only made it in to the theater once though, the rest of the time I spent a lot of money on hotels.
Then the break up, then I find out what the internet is for, then I begin my decent.
I moved in with my pastor for a year or two. His son is my best friend to this day. They had a computer, and I already felt like a complete failure as a christian because of my messed up relationship. So I jumped head long in to porn. I started simple enough. Looking at partial nudity, nothing hard. It didn't help that I also like to draw, and convinced myself that I was just looking for a subject for art purposes.
Then I moved in with my sister for a few years and had more freedom and time alone. That's were I started bingeing. I never wanted to see male parts, so I would stricktly look at lesbian porn. For hours and hours. I would probably pmo 3 to 5 times a day. That's when I learned I was ambidextrous.
Then I went to job Corp for a few years and couldn't pmo for most of my time there. But that didn't stop me from mo'ing without the p. Until I graduated from a computer repair college with a free computer. Then it was back on.
After job Corp, I went head long into the abyss again. Pmoing for another 7 years ish until I rededicated my life to good. Went a year with out internet, and thus no pmo. (Financial reasons, not self control) but because of my experience with the no masturbating thing as a teen, and the embarrassing church ejac, I never gave up masturbating . so when I got internet again, I was back at the hard stuff again.
A few years later, ended up in Florida, good job, nice apt. High speed internet, all alone. my taste started to change. Mouth was of limits now, and I felt like the sickest scum of the earth there is. Stated dating a 19 year old with daddyissues, she threw herself at me, and after the third date, I caved. She was hot too. But, that is when I found out that I couldn't Finnish.... In fact I faked it lol.... Not really funny, but there I was, and I could tell she was getting bored, and I was getting soft.
On and off for a few months, we would have sex, and I found that I could finish with her if I thought of porn. But only once a night, and that is if I didn't MO the day before. that ended, I moved again, and here I am, stuck in the pattern.
I've tried to stop PMO several times, but no success. Found the site yourbrainonporn. Com, or org, and watched all the videos. Read several of the articles, and began again. This last time I made it 3 days, (long enough for the sore I was developing to heal up) then failed.
To day is my second day this time no PMO. it is 2:13 am, and I decided to start my blog to keep my mind ocupied. Cutting the internet off at the end of the month because I have my brother living with me and he has no motivation to get a job. But I also know that I have no self control when it comes to porn.
I will have access to the net up at the church, so I will hope to keep the blog going.
Any ways, that is me.
Day 2.
No more PMO ever. though, I am not going to beat my self up over just MO. But I need to limit that at first to.
Maybe once every 2 weeks? (Still scared from that church experience)
