Journal

[ready2go]

Former PMOer since 2015.

I discovered this site, this process, and this whole community last night on a Craigslist post, as I'm getting prepared to leave home and go on some sort of undefined journey of exploration and recovery.  Seriously.  Had enough, up to here, ready to do something different, and I didn't know what.  I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there.  Just that it is time to leave this.  I have a big house, lots of material stuff, and a great career.  So why would I leave?  I'm done.  Suicide has been on my mind frequently.  So rather than wake up dead here, I figured I'd give another life a chance.  Because oddly, and maybe some of you will get this, I don't really want to be dead because I love life, but I just can't take this any more.  Antidepressants are not a solution, counseling again isn't for me, and so maybe that was just the end of a life otherwise well lived.  But wait!  I see this website and suddenly I'm thinking there is something going on I never even could have imagined.

My PMOing has been going on as long as I can remember.  As a young teen, my dad would leave out porn novels around his bedroom, and I'd pick them up and MO for hours, then sneak the book back before being discovered.  Then there were the porn theaters.  I'd go in there and watch and PMO and sometimes more.  The day my brother died, to escape, later that day, there I was, in the theater PMOing into the late night.  Finally, VHS kept me out of those sordid places and I could take care of business in the privacy of my house without all the seediness.  Yeah there some tapes I liked better than others, but I was always looking for something better and more exciting.  The old internet and chat rooms had tons of stimulating pictures and convos, which took care of my needs for years.  Then the high speed internet, porn movie sites, and I've been there ever since.  Married over 20 years, my wife has never complained, but my boner disappeared many years ago.  I am pretty sure it was after high speed internet though.  Tapes never seemed to affect that.  The Viagra was helpful for awhile, the Levitra better, the Cialis never worked.  Then those stopped working and now the only bones I ever get are watching porn on the net, and even those bones aren't much.  What I have sought out seems increasingly bizarre and unusual, and I can't even believe after Oing that I even got off to that shit.  Crazy!  I do like having sex with men but haven't been able to get it up for them either, and since I'm not in the receptive end of that, it has been a pretty useless pursuit.  I came across a potential male partner last year who told me he never watched porn.  That amazed me.  I don't think I know any men who have sex with men who don't watch tons of it.  He is different.  We haven't had sex but we have an attraction that may take us there one day.  So having decided to leave home and see what the world has to offer for a burned out dude without even so much as a boner to sport and enjoy, I came across a note about this on CL last night.  As soon as I saw it, it was like ..."oh fuck".  I knew.  So today starts a new journey I hadn't anticipated or even thought about.

So you know what's weird?  Last night in my sleep I was awakened four times by having erections.  I NEVER get erections in my sleep I'm aware of.  And I can't really remember the last morning wood. I've been on this site for hours today reading through all the posts and stories.  Watching the videos.  Seriously, I never even had the remotest inkling that porn could be the root of all this.  Yet, there it is.  Now that I see it, how can I avoid dealing with it? 

Wish me luck guys.  Thanks for being here.  I'm glad to join your numbers, which amazingly seem to be huge.

With love.

 

[KidQuick]

Welcome to the Nation, Ready2Go. Your new life awaits, but it will take a journey to get there. Who knows how long it will take, but we will be with you every day.

Congratulations on the first step of recognizing the problem and your first day. One day at a time.

 

[Dharmabum]

Wherever your journey takes you, readytogo, keep coming back here.  keep reading about PMO addiction and learning all you can about how your brain works and how to regain your mastery over it, because you can.

So, in leaving, are you talking leaving your wife, your home, etc?  Leaving your job?  Just want to understand what your journey entails.  No judgement, just looking for context. 

Be well?and welcome!

 

[ready2go]

Thanks for your replies Dharmabum and KidQuick. To answer your question, Dharmabum, leaving means leaving everything.  Packing my car with some clothes and some food, a checkbook for just in case situations, and my computer and phone and take off.  So I have some idea where I could go, but have no plans to actually be anywhere on any particular schedule.  I already left my job and it is over, and it had to do with the job and the employer, not with my satisfaction with my career choice, which I really love. 

So with that, the last day since I posted I spent most of it online here, watching the TEDx presentations about ED and porn, and YBOP.  I'm really amazed at what I've learned in just 24 hours.  So that said, here are my observations about 2 days without PMO, or MO, or O or anything else.  Well maybe there was testing, which didn't even spark a little bit of interest.  It is like numb in that region.  I never knew this.

My attachment to internet porn is really what this is all about at this point, because it was after that began that I started noticing ED symptoms.  Yeah the doctor prescribed Viagra and it worked ok, not great after awhile, but good enough.  Then the price went up so like most guys, I found online sources that worked better actually, and was a lot cheaper.  So when I'd have sex, I'd take one, and voila, big bone, nice edging sessions for as long as I could - 3-5 hours, and then completion.  All well and good, and I enjoyed it very much.  As the ED got worse, I kind of restricted my sex with people since it was more trouble than it was worth, and I didn't like the embarrassment and disappointment, and just stuck with online partners, whether real or on video.  The erections were fine, the edging went on the same, 3-5 hours, and then completion and on to whatever else I had to do. 

Later, I started with symptoms of insomnia, waking up and not being able to get back to sleep, so an hour of porn, a load, and then right back to sleep.  I heard Mr. Deem talk about using porn to sleep.  Yup, worked great.  Then as my work schedule changed, I'd take afternoon "naps", which were really 2-3 hours of internet porn and masturbating and edging/orgasming, and 15 minutes of sleep afterward.  Yeah, it was kind of screwing with my sleep habits but it was "ok".  Tap tap tap on that dopamine pedal.  You guys know this, I had no clue that was what was happening.  But now I see it.  Get right up to the big spurt of dopamine, back off, go for another one, back off, another one and then finally end it with ejaculation and a final dopamine push, all the while switching categories, films, actors, scenes:  it's been nuts.

In retrospect I'm seeing how much my sense of pleasure in life activities has diminished for just about everything other than porn, which is the only thing that gives me enough of a dopamine high to feel the pleasure feeling. 

I'll occasionally go on Craigslist and look for something in the way of a bj or post for one, not because I want to get one - I never meet anyone, but so I can get that tap of dopamine when a response comes.  New, exciting, different, extreme.  Yeah some of the scenes we discussed...I really have no interest in them, but they did "get me off". 

So I can't honestly say I'm a sex addict, I just don't see that behavior in myself, nor do I have any partners to prove or support that idea.  But the laptop or my cellphone screen and some of those websites with huge number categories that we all know about - yeah that's where I spend my sexual energy and its where my addiction lies.  Pixels.   

Well this is the conclusion of day 2.  No PMO, no MO, no O.  I'm not purposefully not masturbating, I just don't really have a desire.  There have been some habitual type thoughts, which I hear being called triggers, which make me want to log on and get off.  And this is without my even thinking about it - just a habituated thing to do when what ever trigger or thought comes along.  Yeah let's find something to distract me and get myself souped up and then all relaxed.  I see the trend, I see the pattern, or at least am beginning to, and never saw it before.  So, for you guys, and for the movement and community I am very grateful to have helped call my attention to this disorder.

I really do want to have sex with a person, with someone I care deeply about.  I want to get a boner when I'm with that person and display my affection and love that way.  Wiping up a messy keyboard, not so much.

I get it.  What a thing to get, too. I'm still in shock about discovering this. 

Thanks guys.  I need all the help and support you are kindly willing to lend me.  Because really, if I don't get this shit together, life just isn't worth the time any more.  Which is a shame, because I have a lot I need to get done, and want to contribute before I check out.

 

[ready2go]

Thought I'd add a few things as the night winds down.  I'm pretty athletic and work out regularly, so is an easy activity for me to be involved with instead of PMOing.  Entering day 3, I'm not really having anything I'd call withdrawls, not craving or needing anything.  The time I spend habitually PMOing feels a little empty, and I did get suckered into before realizing it, answering a CL response to post I put up before I started here, but as soon as I did, realized what I had done.  So I don't really feel like I violated my agreement with myself.  But I do see habits can run deep and be automatic, so vigilence! I'm a pretty healthy guy, and my hormone levels are rather high, at least as of my last physical, so my lack of libido must be related to this.  However, the promise of seeing / feeling it return is pretty awesome, and reward enough for keeping me on track.  I guess it is when the libido returns that I feel like I should maybe worry.  And then maybe I'll just cross that river when I get to it.  Just writing this stuff down is kind of helpful in developing a little clarity and some direction.  So after all that, I do kind of feel like I'd like to get off.  There isn't really any desire to crank up a website, but that has been my MO, so to speak.  So its still unclear to me what's going on.  But since i feel like it would be nice to MO, maybe that is libido after all.  And maybe it will be clear to me later.  Now it's all a lot confusing if I spend time thinking about it.  The stories I'm reading from all the posts are really inspiring, and I feel connected even though I'm not really connected much yet.  Thanks.

 

[Dharmabum]

Hey Ready,

I can only speak from my own experiences here, and what I've gleaned from others, but the libido does typically return, and sometimes hides dormant (per your thinking getting off would be nice).  What we've done with PMO is rewire our brains so that all kinds of daily emotions are told they can be sated with PMO.  We take away that "food supply" and they don't quite know what to do.

So, the workouts - those are good - as you are replacing bad with good.  But can you workout each time you feel a craving?  If you're so inclined, I would recommend creating a list of things you can do that will fill that void, so that you've got a resource to rely on when the itch begins:  working out, reading, meditating, playing a game on your phone/computer, posting here. 

One thing I started doing was building a new playlist on my iPod every time I got the urge to go to a site.  By the end of a week, my playlist looked like the phone book, but it worked for me.  You're just replacing bad with good?or at least neutral.  Ultimately, what we want to do is seek out the most effective, rewarding actions we can take to still our brains.  That's why service to others, exercise, and prayer/meditation are high on the recommended list.  It's not just replacing a mindless activity with another one (a'la my iPod playlists or computer games) but with really substantial, contributive actions that will help us reshape our lives for the better.

As for waiting for the libido to return and crossing that bridge, if you feel like you're controlling your impulses right now pretty well, I would invite you to keep planning ahead a bit.  Read all you can about PMO so that you know what is around the next corner (or potentially around it, at least).  That way, nothing catches you off guard.

I know I've seen a lot of guys on here talk about flatlining and how it is no surprise to them b/c they knew it might happen.  To me, knowing it is a possibility is so much less frightening than it appearing out of nowhere.  The more we know, the more we're ready to navigate the messy stuff and avoid pitfalls.  Used to be, if I flatlined with my wife after a bit of time away from P, I would say, "Well, obviously, I just need a little porn in my life to spice things up," and I would go online, and undo the progress I made, confusing my mind even more.  It's a cycle, and one we can avoid if we arm ourselves with knowledge and resources.

Good luck, my friend.  Sounds like giving up PMO may make you the most fit man alive, as you're already taking care of your body physically!  For me, porn made me more lethargic, so I was less likely to exercise when I was spending 2 hours each morning edging and pleasure chasing. 

Look forward to your progress and your posts, my friend.  Keep going. 

 

[ready2go]

Great encouragement and useful ideas.  Thanks so much Dharmabum.  Obviously you're right, I can only work out so many hours a day.  Though I could walk the dog more, if I'm not working, too. When I am working, and even volunteering, it is a service to others type affair so picking up some of those other kinds of activities that are more mindless or maybe more self-serving would be useful for me,  ie, some time for me, which is a person in my life that unless I'm PMOing usually is last on the list to help out.  At least that is the way it feels to me lately.

I woke up at 4, which isn't unusual, this morning.  Normally I'd open up the cell phone, click on a favored website and get to work PMOing for an hour or so, then back to sleep.  This morning I wasn't sure wtf to do (see you're right, I didn't have something planned and this would have been the opportunity to have Plan A to slip into the slot - got it!) so I got up and did some email and came here right away.  It's not that I was horny, not that I had a raging bone to deal with (no morning wood hardly ever any more) but it's been habit and I think those post-jo sleepy hormones help put me back down, and certainly take my mind off other things at least for a while. 

Your points are well taken.  Have a list and commitment to things I can do.  You know I always wanted to paint.  My wife laughs at me but I'm serious.  There isn't an artistic neuron in my brain, but you know, maybe I could put together something.  Today I'm heading to an art supply and picking up some stuff I could start out with.  Hopefully not the with the anger of Van Gough.  I guess nudes at this point would be umm inappropriate?  Counterproductive??  I could paint fish. Fish are actually kind of interesting and who ever paints them?  There we go.  Fish portraiture.  Or something.

Anyhow thanks for being here.  You have no idea how much I value your caring enough to be involved in my world in a positive way, supporting me.  Thank you. 

 

[Dharmabum]

Paint, dude.  Paint.  Not because you'd be the next Picasso, but because it will fulfill something inside you. 

We've (as a society) become too hung up on how anything we do - even as a hobby - has to somehow parlay into something practical.  A hobby is something we do for joy, for curiosity, because we are drawn to it.  Write a novel, paint a roomful of fish, learn every Beatles song on the bassoon.  It's following what you love, not turning what you love into something for public adoration. 

And besides, painting is so subjective, you're bound to land on something that works for you.  I love Jackson Pollock and Salvador Dali.  My parents think it all begins and ends with Norman Rockwell.  My sister thinks Thomas Kincade is a genius.  (Needless to say, I'm the odd duck in my family) There's no accounting for taste.  So paint what you see, what you feel, what you need to express.  And don't worry about the outcome, just enjoy the process.  The messy, paint slinging process. 

 

[lyon03]

Hey brother. Thanks so much for sharing so openly and honestly. I've read your posts and look forward to following your journey to recovery. I too was married, am now in a long-term and loving relationship with another man, had thoughts of suicide in December 2013, and am now in blissful (and yet hard-earned) recovery. I'm thrilled to share with a growing army of gay and bisexual men on this site. I too had difficulty filling the hours/days I used to waste surfing porn, masturbating, or on hook-up apps/sites, with more creative/fulfilling activities. While I am still in early recovery, I'm happy to share that when you reboot, life has flavour, colour, and texture again. Be well my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[Poker]

Welcome to the board.  You will find a lot of resources and support.  And I appreciate you openness and honesty.

I seriously have one foot out the door to leave for work, but wanted to post a quick note.  This is beatable.  Too many people have gone down that road and then recovered.

I watched a commercial last night and listened to lies of a gorgeous 40 yr old woman ready for sex tell me that Viagara will fix the problem.  I know better.  I know that with actual knowledge of what the problem is that this is beatable. And I'm seeing the results.  Morning wood 5 times a week.  I wake up sometimes a night as well with a raging hard on.

There are so many great people on this board....  Just, Welcome.  See this process through and explore the advice.

Cheers!

p.

 

[ready2go]

Wow you guys are awesome.

There may be a trigger in here for some guys, so warning:  If computer screens, politics or leaks in the front yard triggers a need for escape, an escape to porn, please don't read this.  Move on to something else.  I say that because I realized while talking politics earlier I just wanted to run off and PMO. 

It struck me earlier while I was talking to the guy who came to fix a leak and when he was done we were standing outside talking politics and corruption and all that, that the world is so fucked up, no wonder I'm seeking refuge in dopamine.  I am one of those who attempts at doing good to help, and as I've heard Mr. Rogers' mother reportedly say, "look for the helpers"  "there's always those who are helping".  I'm one of those.  But no one helps me.  (BOO HOO HOO WAAAAHHHHH).  Porn did.  Pseudo comfort, distraction, electric excitement over and over.  And over.  Until my brain and my bone were both completely fried.

Also what occurred to me is men do not get together and discuss their boners, or lack thereof.  Women, they discuss with each other their vaginas, their uteruses, their fallopian tubes, the phases of the moon, the cramps, the hormone imbalances.  Men, we have no where to take our junk and our brains for an honest discussion of functionality, desire, pathology.  We suffer and we do it in silence, or we PMO until our junk falls off.  Or we lose our families, our jobs, our joy for living, our health.  Pick one or all.  I don't even know any gay men who do this with each other.  Maybe there are some, I just don't happen to know any.  To be honest, despite the fact I have sex with men (when my bone works, and I have sex with them which hasn't been for years and years) I don't know many gay men.  Maybe a couple of would be bisexual married guys, or curious guys.  But we have never discussed porn use at all.  Now that I have read through these forums some, and through the other sites, and I'm finding that nearly 100 percent of men are online wanking to high speed internet porn, I'm baffled and not baffled at the same time.

With that said, the opportunity to come here and not be thought of or accused of being a freak or a pervert and not only allowing me, but encouraging me to talk about my bones, my brains, and my pixels and reconstructing a more satisfying wiring system is just as awesome as anything I could ever imagine.  This is way better than one of those extreme scenes coming through a blue haze in the dark. 

I'm monitoring sensation down in the below the belt region, and when I'm awake, its just basically numb.  Touch, test, whatever, there is nothing going on there.  In my second phase of sleep, around 7:30 this morning I briefly became awakened by humping the mattress with a big solid bone.  Now, understand I have not had one of those in years.  And this is only day 3 of no PMOing.  So, is that normal?  I guess there is no "normal", but is that something to be expected this early on?  I am pretty much thinking from what I've read that this starts at 2 months, 3 months, but not 3 days.  The upside is, it works!  I still have some function, even though when I'm awake, there is no function.  That's weird to me  How can it work when I sleep, and not work when I'm awake?  I'm probably just writing this down to get it out of my head for awhile.

Also today, oddly, strangely even, there is a slight uplift in my perception.  It's hard to explain.  Colors are brighter, the flat affect feel of my brain is being pieced by little points of something that feel good that I can't get my fingers on yet, but there's something feeling different.  There is the root of optimism and some caring which has been blunted forever.  Something is definitely different.  But I'm starting to crave, oh man, do I need to go get off.  So, I'm not going to do it. Decision made.  I like the feelings just described better than the pleasure of a P or an M or an O. 

Thanks guys. 

 

[Dharmabum]

You're right, Ready, we men don't talk about such things.  In fact, I realized that - while my wife tells her closest girlfriends things about me, our sex life, etc, I have never confided in my guy friends about the challenges of marriage, complained about my wife, etc.  Not saying one method is better than the other, but there's gotta be something healthy about having an outlet, and we men rarely take it. 

I even consider myself a "sensitive guy" who is very open about his feelings.  And I am?with my female friends.  And by that I mean strictly platonic female friends - no flirting or anything - just good friends with good souls.  But with the guys?  Nah?baseball, politics, movies, etc.  But rarely anything spiritual, sexual, or deeply personal. 

Trying to change that now.  Two of my closest friends (both guys) have been in recovery for many, many years.  My wife recommended I depend on them for support this time instead of going it alone.  Also, 12 step meetings and this group on this forum.  I think we men need to be open and honest about all of it.  We do ourselves no favors by keeping it pent up.

Understand the cravings too, and the feeling of things changing.  Hang in there.  Post often.  Open up and let others know you need company so you are not in isolation, even if it's just talking to the hipster barista at the local coffee shop.  Isolation is not our friend. 

Keep going, ready2go.  Because you are ready.

 

[ready2go]

Wrapping up day 3, actually pretty far along into day 4 now, without a fap and without a P.  A long hard workout at the the gym and I'm feeling GREAT; a little sore around the edges.  This was my first time out with a new gym partner who just kind of popped out of nowhere.  Well actually he popped off the page of Craigslist, the same night I found reference made to this site by someone looking for an accountability partner.  I never heard from that guy, but I did hear from the dude who wanted to work out.  Seems like we hit it off, and we each have plenty of experience and knowledge to share about fitness and lifting, so feeling good about that and how my time was spent.

I got kind of wiped out through the day and just vegged at home.  I know - Monday - you should be working, Ready2go!  But I did work much of the weekend trying to clean up from my prior employment and today was just a great day to relax, nap, whatever.  I was going to head down to a crafts or hobby place and get the basics so I could start painting, but somehow never worked up the motivation to even get dressed - one of those really luxurious days off where you don't have to do anything except hang out with the guy who came to fix the leak.  Even he was cool. 

Part of what I'm feeling tonight is the endorphin rush of having ripped my cardio self and my chest and triceps to shreds.  If you know that feeling, you know what I'm talking about.  Yummy.  There has been very little, if any, recognition of wanting to watch any porn at all.  Usually my nap would include three hours of porn and 15 minutes of sleep.  Today it was 3 hours of RebootNation and 15 minutes of sleep.  It's not like I'm substituting one for the other, but this is just so damned fascinating, not to mention informative and supportive.  It's like all I've ever needed was right here, even though I didn't know it was here and didn't know it was what I needed for awhile.  So no real temptations, though I mentioned earlier a bit of triggering when conversation got uncomfortable and I wanted to porn out or at least jack off just as escapism.  Good to know! 

My dreams hopefully will be as full of night wood as they were early this morning.  I don't know how my wife will react to me humping up the mattress again, should that occur, but hopefully some wet dream pops up.  I've got to have *some* fun.  8)

***Trigger alert - hypnosis videos - if these are a problem steer clear of this next paragraph.***
So as to how I felt throughout the day, I'm pretty fixated here and the associated sites and talks, and youtubes.  Something I stumbled across here was pretty amazing was how sexual self identification can begin to drift with evolving porn exposure, and  reading how some guys had come across hypnosis videos to take them into other sexual arenas.  Yes!  Youtube is pretty fullbodied.  I found some of those a year ago and listen to them as I was going to sleep to help lull me down on those innumerable nights I couldn't sleep.  Something else I didn't know was a "thing".  Some of you guys know the ones.  Looking through my cell phone I hadn't realized how many of those I had subscribed to.  They did lull me to sleep, and I guess that's over now, and I did PMO to them many many nights, mornings, middle of the nights, and so off the subscribe list they must go.  I'm glad someone mentioned them in their posts because I wouldn't have thought of those as I clean out my closet, so to speak.  It's a deep closet, no question.

So then to wrap up, I've been testing a few times - I think its just a habit I have anyway but hadn't really noticed - and dead as a door nail.  I guess that should concern me but I'm so used to it, it's just what it is.  I guess the day it springs back to attention will be the day we'll pull out the stops and have some sort of celebration, tbd. 

I haven't committed to 90 days or 10 days.  I'm just going a day at a time, and that feels right.  As success unfolds, maybe a commitment will appear, but for right now, I'm just hanging and observing and reading, studying, and being as supportive as I can with guys I've never even met.  How awesome is that? 

Thanks guys.  You mean the world to me in ways I cannot describe in words. 

 

[Poker]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXtEcQGLWW8

Watch...  Learn.... 

Cheers,

p.

 

[ready2go]

Now I can find them easily and re-watch.  Thanks!!

 

[Phase2]

Welcome Ready, you are in the right place. Keep learning. You might want to consider making a commitment to a certain number of days. I say that because if you take it 'one day at a time', there are going to be lots of days ahead that you must plow through (flatline, no progress, boring) where you may be tempted to jump off the track if there is not a real goal in sight to make. I'm on Day 37 and in a weeks-ong flatline. I think if I didn't have my 60 day goal, I'd be tempted to say 'fuck it'. But having the goal is going to force me to put in a long reboot where I don't think about sex, test myself, etc in order to let my brain rest. There is a reason for all this. All those porn pathways in your head will start to dry up during the reboot which will finally allow new pathways to build around sexual interest in real folks during the rewiring (which comes after the reboot). So go for a long reboot man. Commit and Stick to it! Glad you are here.

 

[ready2go]

Day 4 update:
Spent some time getting set up in my new business today, having left employment recently.  It was a real drag and the satisfaction being there was far far outweighed by the pain and suffering I was going through there.  Taking my own initiative and doing what I enjoy, even though for now there is no money coming is, is so far superior and satisfying.
 
trigger alert:  graphic expression of my thinking ahead.  go away if it will cause you discomfort.

Home now and so sleepy.  Since leaving for home I have felt exceptionally horny, and really feel like masturbating.  When I close my eyes for a minute, I have images not so much of porn but of beating off and shooting.  Maybe I should go to sleep and dream whatever comes.  I'm not going to masturbate, not today anyway, but the urge is exceptionally strong.  Since the urge is not to go find a sex partner, a real live human being, I'm thinking this is a dopamine request from my brain.  I know how a jo session would go, with edging for hours and all that, and really as good as it seems for this very moment, I know that I'd rather be in bed with someone special, hard, erect, and having someone else get me off. 

The really cool part about this is it is the first time ever in my life that I took the time to think about the urge, what the ramifications might be, and make an informed choice about doing it or not.  Despite the feelings, the urges, the drive, I'm not going to.  Not today.  I don't want to cum soft or half hard and let that pass as satisfactory.  It isn't.  It's a waste of my time, energy, and that future day coming soon when someone will want to be with me and I'll be fully and completely there and aroused for them. 

Thanks for listening guys.  I needed to get that out.  So sorry if it is disturbing to hear.

 

[ready2go]

Day 4 completed successfully, and into day 5.
Tonight was easy for me, no cravings, no horniness, no feeling like something is missing.  I worked late getting my new business going, and ate some junk food on the way home.  I have some curiosity about my new gym partner because he is partnered, but I get some vibes that he may have interest but prefer to keep our relationship as just workout partners and leave it there.  We'll see how that goes.

Reading over my journal is kind of interesting to me that though my minute to minute, hour to hour perception that things are moving along pretty much linearly, when I read it there are major shifts from one day to another, one part of the day to another.  That seems odd but I'm glad I"m writing all this down so I can track it.

Tonight, dead down there.  No sensation, no interest in testing, no nothing.  I don't feel like a libido is part of my make up now, which is way different than things were earlier today. 

Keep good thoughts for me guys.  Obviously changes are happening and I hope they are painless as possible. 

Thanks.

 

[lyon03]

Hey brother. Thanks for sharing. In my first week no-PMO, my brain was like, "Ok, something is happening!" After all, I had quit porn for a few weeks at a time before. The heavy withdrawal for me started after about two weeks with meth-head like shakes, head rushes during sleep, strange dreams, and painful blue balls. I of course wish you an easy recovery but I'd suggest having a plan in place when the urge of your brain's pleasure centre takes over the logic of your frontal lobe. For me, having a sponsor/buddy to chat with was a lifesaver. It is difficult to re-train our brains after years or even decades of the same addictive habits. I found reading Gary Wilson's, "Your Brain on Porn" during withdrawal helped me understand the chemical and neurological reasons for my porn addiction. I also had a complete d*ck obsession during my first month of recovery. This is normal. But eventually my, "Will it ever work again?" obsession turned into a more healthy body/mind obsession. I eventually resolved to build a better life, rather than a better boner. Stay strong my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[ready2go]

Thanks Lyon.  If it weren't for you guys I'd be PMOing and soothing my boredom and dissatisfaction with some temporary fix.  Not what I want though.  Planning for triggers seems hard because I haven't figured out what all they are yet.  A couple are identified so thats better than none, and so far I'm surprised by the triggers being completely unrelated to sex or beating off or anything like that.  They are more like discomfort in conversation, thinking about things I don't want to deal with, things that are difficult to deal with, things that are no fun to deal with.  Maybe if I just had someone to hug for awhile things would all be ok. 
I had a hug friend a few years ago and he'd come over and we'd hug 20 minutes.  It was nice until he told me he had a huge crush on me and that whatever I chose to do, he trusted me.  That freaked me out because he was a young guy, married, two little kids, and I baby sit the kids. I just couldn't get into a position where I was getting in between him and his family in any way. 

Stream of consciousness here; maybe I should be in bed sleeping.  Dreaming.  Perchance to wet dream.