Not too much of a struggle against PMO today. The new routine seems effective, but I see huge areas I want to make improvement. This thought from another post is especially pertinent to me lately:
"Deflect and dismiss thoughts - force you mind to healthy, constructive areas when dark thoughts present themselves."
Savingmysoul wrote that in another journal. It really speaks to me right now.
Things I've figured out today: I'm not getting enough physicality with people. I'm a very physical man so now I see more clearly the whole illusion of intimacy by PMO. There is no intimacy, no physicality. I'm going to have to find that in real human flesh and blood breathing like-minded bodies. This also includes the emotional mental connection as well.
Good work out at the gym solo while my partner recovers from surgery at home. It may be a few weeks before he is eligible for lifting again. I miss him already. And it's not just the hugs and kisses after working out. I miss him making me work harder than I otherwise do. Transforming that thought a bit, I'm grateful to know he is recovering and will soon be back with me so we can develop our healthy bodies together, as a team. There for each other the way the men are here for each other.
I know I write in sentence fragments. This is something new lately, I don't know where it came from, and hopefully it is a passing phase. Knowing Dharmabum may see this makes me cringe just a little.
Nap earlier went fine. I put on a french movie on netflix and drifted right to sleep for an hour or so. Woke refreshed and ready to take on some more of this paperwork associated with my business. Nasty stuff. Transforming that thought - the paperwork is a necessary step in my getting paid and I will learn how to stay abreast of the changes in that area with a minimum of fuss.
We, my wife and I, talked of leaving earlier tonight. So the exploration I was going to do on my own is now going to be a team event. I have mixed feelings about it. My head needs some space to expand and experience and solitude would be so welcome. That said maybe there is a compromise we could consider. Back when we dated many many years ago, I had a similar need for solitude (this doesn't come that often so I think the need is to be respected) while we were traveling with friends in Alaska. They kindly dropped me off in Moose Pass for a few days, where I hiked into some twin lakes place and chilled with the grizzlies and the salmon. We didn't bother each other, and if I'd been eaten, it was all part of the larger plan and I wouldn't have really struggled that much. Back to today, maybe there is that kind of solitude to be found again, sans the grizzlies this time. I'm not prepared to be eaten this time as I was then. I don't want to die yet, even though there are still thoughts that sometimes the shit I deal with is so ridiculous that death is the preferred state of being. Not so much now. Avoiding porn in all its forms, and consequently no masturbating, edging, orgasming, or boner play has kind of taken on a life of its own. Tonight, there are tinglings and movements down there, which is kind of weird, because I'm not horny or thinking of sexual things at all. Once again, there is some sort of life there. The thought occured maybe I should jo once just to see what happens, but then, I'm actually enjoying not doing that.
As I prepare for bed, I hope the insomnia isn't an issue, but if it is, I'll find something to do. Last night I found you guys here, especially the ones having morning over in Europe, and then the ones on the east coast, so there is always the hope of being with you men.
Thank you all.
I like being horny. It makes me feel alive. This feels dead and pointless.