Journal

[Phase2]

A word about cold showers. So, the idea of a cold shower used to be horrifying to me. I like warm water, comfort, soothing steam and heat. So when I read on here in some posts that people were taking cold showers I thought it was a ridiculous throwback to the 1950s--just an extreme distraction from being horny. However, one day I was feeling like I needed a shake up and I decided to do it and of course it was uncomfortable and I was jumping around in the shower like a crazy person. Damn it was cold! But afterward, wow it was exhilarating. Then I did it again the next day, and it was 5% easier. And then the next day and it was a little easier still. But the thing is, your body gets this crazy rush during it and you feel pretty electric during and afterward. This is the feeling (dopamine jolt) your body loves and gets when we PMO. So the cold shower offers a valuable, much-needed instant replacement. This is the key. It's not about doing something uncomfortable or distracting, instead it's about giving your body a dopamine blast that can replace the PMO. After a couple weeks of the cold showers, yesterday I noticed at the end I was just standing in the shower and the cold wasn't even really bothering me. I had actually acclimated to the cold, so now I can take a longer one (sound familiar?-- like searching for more extreme, longer porn sessions--see how related they are?). I find myself looking forward to the cold shower now as if I am going on a wild roller coaster ride that thrills and scares me. So, I'm writing this for some of you new guys who are in the first week or so and may need a boost if you are feeling horny or bored. Try the cold shower routine. Add it to your day. It works!

 

[ready2go]

You guys are amazing.  Why don't you live close by so we can get together and do this over coffee?  It's a little annoying that my habit and damage comes from a pixelated screen full of people screaming and yelling and doing whatever they do, and now my healing comes via a pixelated screen with people reaching out to me, and me reaching back. 
Hmm reading that doesn't make much sense, but my brain knows what I'm trying to say so I'll leave it for now.  I can always edit later.
Lyon, I totally agree about having the back up plan and about having a buddy to go through this with.  In real life the buddy who I love and trust enough to go through this with these days is 1000s of miles away, and the local people I know wouldn't really, as far as I know, accept this situation, and in fact if were known could damage my career and reputation big time.  So I need to figure that piece out.  Maybe someone here will step up.  I did post on the accountability page, and the reason I'm here at all is someone was advertising on CL for someone to go through this with.  I responded but he has not replied to date.  That said, he is also 150 miles away, so maybe he was looking for a local dude.
This morning I had semi wood and was partially awake, mostly asleep when I can remembering humping the mattress gently, so there is still some life in there.  I don't know if I should cialis up and prime the pump or just let nature take its course as I unwire and rewire the brain and dope circuits. 

I wish I could say flatlining is no big deal, because if/when it gets to me it feels like it would be.  The idea gives me some trepidation for sure.  I don't think I'm there yet, here in day 5 because even though at the moment I have no desire to have sex at all, either with myself, my wife, or anyone else, I do want to be held and loved.  Or at least held and rubbed like any other mammal.  Rubbed in a nonsexual way.  You know, like a dog. 

One of the problems in my life as I see it, is in my life, both professional and otherwise, I'm fully engaged in caring for others, and that never seems to come back to me any more.  It's been years.  Is there something about me that I'm not cognizant of?  Is there an aura of "porn watcher" around me that keeps people away?  Don't know.  People like me, that much is apparent, but really I don't have a local circle of friends.  I'm not connected with anyone really, save my wife.  And our relationship transcends any physical action or activity. 

The thoughts of "leaving" and doing something else have abated, to be sure, and my departure without a goal and a plan at this time seems ridiculous, to be honest.  And scary.  And yet it seems like it is what I need, at the same time.  Maybe I'd find someone to hug me?  A place I'd like to work?  It's completely unfocused and ridiculous.  (this is my thinking right now.  it may change 20 minutes from now).

Porn sort of has been my alternate hug bitch I guess.  That's even more ridiculous.  Seriously, I'm not really missing it but I am feeling like getting off would be nice.  There are several people I have in mind who at this moment seem like good partners to fantasize about.  But there would be, like in my old days, a narrative.  A "how would we meet?, what would be said?, what would that look, sound, and feel like?, how would it go from that to being in each other's arms?"  You know a real life fantasy about someone else, as opposed to those increasingly shocking and scary moving images.

Having been reading about this on the various sites, almost non-stop when I'm not actively working, or working out, this concept of ever more shocking and extreme - I think back and man, that has been going on since the 90s.  I won't relay the stories because of the potential trigger value, but ... the places I've been with that.  And then when it's over and I wake up out of that dopamine hang over haze, and wonder, is that who and what I've become, it really terrified me.  I'll imagine similar people to who I've viewed while PMOing who are real, walking the street, and try to put myself into a scene like that, and I'm revulsed.  So, no, I don't think that is who I've become.

Cold showers.  I'll try it, but there is no joy in even thinking about it.  Yuck.  But I'll try it.  How long do I have to stand in the cold water?  Or more likely bounce around?  You know in my part of the world, at this time of year, that water is VERY cold. 

I have a day of doing things I don't want to do ahead of me and there is a trigger for sure.  It would be so much more comfortable to climb back in bed, fire up the websites, and get to work. 

If I didn't have you guys around me, even virtually like this, that's what I'd be doing.  Thank god you're here to hold me up, even if it is asynchronous in time. 

Cheers.

 

[ready2go]

Phase2, thanks for the info about the cold showers.  So ok I tried it this morning, anticipating just nasty sh*t from it.  And indeed it was just freaking cold.  So I started out after getting in and turning up the mix valve so it was a bit below lukewarm and then dialing it down so that it was 80 percent cold by the time I was finished.  I couldn't go all the way because it is like 38 degree water right now, way too cold for me.  This was about 45, and cold enough.  I danced, I sang, I laughed and my wife was wondering what the hell is going on in there?  I told her and she rolled her eyes said, just take a shorter warm shower.  She didn't really get the point.

I feel emotionally invigorated and energetic, but my hands and feet were cold for a long time, and my hands now warm but feet cold.  The shower was an hour ago.  I usually am warm all over.  So .. maybe I should exercise or something to heat up from the inside.

I do like the mental emotional piece to it though.  And oddly I do feel movement down below, kind of a tingle and a little movement. 

So thanks.  I'll try to do this daily for awhile and see how I like it.

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing brother. I was on the receiving end of some excellent advice in early reboot that may be helpful:

1. During reboot, don't make any major life changes. This includes changing jobs, ending relationships, starting relationships etc.

2. Your d*ck is just fine. It's your brain that's the problem. You have both a porn and a d*ck obsession. Change your mind, habits, spirit, and view of the world. Your penis is simply a sexual organ and obsessing about it ('maybe I should try Cialis?') will lead to touch, fapping, hookups, and eventually relapse.

3. Learn everything you can about porn addiction. Read absolutely everything you can about porn addiction. Knowledge is power and understanding your f*cked up brain chemistry will give you yet another weapon to fight the addiction.

4. Get a Buddy/Sponsor: Posting alone isn't enough. I'd recommend joining www.pornaddictsanonymous.org if you want a traditional 12-step sponsor. Who cares if your contact is 1000 away, you need someone just a phone call away. When you feel yourself slipping, that one call will probably save you.

This is all shared from a point of caring, not judging. You have one thing on your side: a wonderful honesty. You also don't complain about your wife...AT ALL. So you're light years ahead of me and most other married or formerly married rebooters. Stay strong and keep posting brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[ready2go]

End of day 5 going in to 6:
Well first off, I can say the internet is fucking with me big time tonight.  On my yahoo mail over on the right hand column first there is a scrolling flash ad full of women looking to fuck me right now if I just click (REALLY Yahoo?) and then when I click that off and go back so I can see my email, Merrill Lyinch has an add that says in little letters Merrill and in big letters EDGE.  Well fuck you!! Merrill Lynch.

Anyhow the night has otherwise gone really well.  My new gym partner is really working out great.  He busted my butt (actually my legs) oh holy moses, they feel like over done spaghetti noodles, and then we had a nice steam.  Very sweet and talented young guy, new to town.  Someone I already feel connected with and I feel like there is a future for all kinds of possibilities.  We both love working out and being healthy, who knows where that will lead?  A little man-chat and a lot of sweating and grunting and moving heavy things around.  Feels Great!!!  I love when my endorphins get pumping.

My thinking is becoming a little clearer every now and then, I feel more engaged, more interested, less like running away - though I may still do it.  Who knows.  It is an option and my wife is fine with it as long I let her know when to stop shopping for food for me so it doesn't go to waste in the fridge.  Makes perfect sense.  She is a GREAT partner and I'm damn lucky to have her on my side.  She knows nothing about my porn addiction, though she is all too aware of my internet addiction.  I'm too ashamed to bring the P to the relationship, though we all know it is the 3000 ton elephant sitting in the middle of the fucking living room.  Women aren't stupid, she probably knows everything and just affords me the space to have what I want in life.  That is the kind of woman and partner she is. 

Sitting here in a pool of post workout endorphin juice dripping out of my skin, and it feels weird because I usually don't hit the legs quite as hard.  So they are emanating like from a different place than I'm used to feeling them.  I do think the endorphin hits opiate receptors and though they are different than dopamine receptors, this huge flush certainly keeps me happy in some different sort of way.  When I can't walk day after tomorrow, it may be a whole 'nother story guys.

Still dead as a doornail most of the time down there.  The mind is willing, and even interested, but the body is just not going there.  Any horniness I'm feeling is really not all that sexual at this moment - it is still horniness for connection on a different level. 

I looked at K-9 and the fact I have to sign up to get it...meh.  I'm tired of giving away my secrets to everyone with an internet listening device.  I have only once come across one of those porn sites since I started here.  It was today, it was by accident, because it was in my phone history and when I typed p up came that site.  I guess it got used to my typing that and just started bringing it up.  I saw no pictures or anything I remember, just the url, so I clicked it off as fast as I could, and went to the cookie and history thing and deleted those.  Hopefully that will be the end of it.  I wasn't about to test it though. 

My interest/drive in looking at porn - just not there yet.  Hopefully it never comes.  Drive to jerk off?  Well, not right now, but when it comes, my gosh it is with a vengence.  I know there would be no physical response worthy of a reach down, but the drive sometimes feels overwhelming.  But  - not right now.  So I guess I haven't hit flatline yet.  I hope it hurries because I want to get it over with and get on to having boners again. 

I know that the goal is not to get boners for a lot of guys, but, I think having them is a marker for everything else falling into place. 

Special love and thanks to you men who are here for me every day.  Some write to me, others are reading and not writing and I appreciate all equally.  Especialliy those who write   Thank you so VERY much.  You have no idea what you mean to me. 

Cheers for now.  I have more reading and youtubes to watch.  Gosh there is a lot of stuff to cover.  Again, I'm still shocked.  I had NO idea.  None. 

 

[ready2go]

Day 7 (already?  Wow that is a motivation right there.)  Fresh out of bed, 3/4 cup of coffee in me, and I'm already jonesing.  Bad.  I woke up to cravings today for the first time.  My wife is out of the house all day, I don't have to work until late today, so I have the day to porn up.  At least that is what i have always done in the past.  Hopefully today is the first time that doesn't happen.  But damn, that pull and urge is strong.  I am getting RN -fatigue just a bit, now that the shock and awe of recognizing my problem has worn off.  Keep good thoughts guys.  I'm still doing this a day at a time, and I did sign up for the year of porn-free commitment.  Today is one of those dark gloomy pacnw days - perfect for - woops not going to describe it, not going to do it.  I was hoping I'd have an accountability partner by the time this came up but - since not yet - I'll just have to tough it out.

The triggers - wow, who would have thought THESE are triggers?  I open my car satellite radio bill and its gone up 100 percent since last year - over two hundred freaking dollars!  I'll be not re-upping on that for sure, but that was enough to shift me to "eh, I can deal with this later.  Let's jack off".  NO NO NO!  Let's not.  "My blood sugar is up (wtf I exercised and weight lifted my ass off yesterday).  Let's jack off." (True somewhere along the way I indulged in another of my poisonous habits I thought I'd beat.  Stopped at some place with arches that may have been yellow, and chunked down a double cheeseburgers, medium fries, and diet coke)  aaggghghh!!!  Let's jack off.  NO NO NONNONONONONO.  "I need to fill out some more government bullshit forms.  Jack off."  NO NO NO!!  "I don't know how to bill for services rendered in my new business.  I can figure it out later.  PMO!  PMO!!"  NO FUCK TO HELL NO. 

Ok I gotta go do something about this.  I fessed up, recognized - shit, there ARE triggers after all and now what.  I promise for the next 1 hour I will not PMO.  MO. M or O.  One hour. 

I'm too sleepy and cold for a cold shower.  More coffee and I'll turn up the heat a bit first.   

 

[ready2go]

Plus...my counter is wrong and I want all the credit I've earned.  Every hour and day is important and it's gipping me by one full day.  Not to be ungrateful but hey.  I need this.  lol  I am grateful. 

 

[ready2go]

So to beat this back today, I did a bunch of stuff connecting myself with other people and changed an appointment from late to earlier and my computer is in the family room where PMOing would not work.  I got ready for my appointment with a cold shower - well started out warm, because it's just too cold here - finished cold for five minutes. Laughed and danced about and it really didi the job.  That's amazing.  Though I could rub one out if I had to, but I won't.  No PMO today.

Victory one hour at a time.

 

[Phase2]

You're gonna end up loving those damn cold showers. Dopamine explosion!! Thanks for the reminder. Gonna go take mine now!

 

[PMO-Tracker]

Plus...my counter is wrong and I want all the credit I've earned.  Every hour and day is important and it's gipping me by one full day.

We agree, you should get 100% full credit ;D

There should be some instructions in your email. If you have any trouble following them, let us know, and we can provide further assistance.

 

[ready2go]

Seems like it should be day 50 but its only 7 since i last PMOd.

Laying in the dark not whackin it, no bone, no prospects. 

Thinking of the shitty events yesterday trying to erase them from my head.

The last words my wife said last night before going back to bed...she wants to go with me when I leave and explore together and see what's out there. 

 

[ready2go]

Entering  my 8th day.  One week down and no PMO, no M, no O.  The only boners I've had were in my sleep or near sleep.

So, as bad and as hard as yesterday was, today was good and easy.  I didn't get a cold shower because I needed a quick one and out the door this morning, and brrrrrr, I need to work up to cold. 

I wish I could say I feel great and everything is groovy.  I'm in transition in so many ways, and in some ways it is very difficult, other ways, feels good.  I actually feel good about not doing any porn.  I'm not so sure about not masturbating, but the hard reboot I think is worth my time and effort.  There are rewards I've already noted:  more energy, higher clarity, a more postive feeling with other people when I'm out in the world.  The downside is I want some sexual release of some kind, and my old standby is done. 

There is a huge amount of help here, the men who have communicated with me - in whatever manner - have been so helpful in helping me move to a better place.  For that I am very grateful and continue to thank you.

To the moderators and owner of the site, you guys are really something.  The cause you have taken up is one that in many places receives ridicule and disgust, but, you have recognized a tragedy and decided to do something about it.  Kudos!  you guys are heroes, in the finest sense.

Tonight I'm enjoying a little of the green fairy just for fun, and really she is kinda fun. 

 

[ready2go]

Can Saturday Night Fever possibly be a trigger?  A young Travolta, all that dancing.  oy.

 

[Dharmabum]

I guess if Olivia Newton John could be a trigger for us straight guys in "Grease", then "SNF" with Travolta is fair game for ya, ready2go. 

Seriously, though, I never know what's going to trigger me on regular television.  Right now, I'm having to be mindful that the yoga videos I watch are for exercise, not meandering into fantasy. 

Stay vigilant.  Keep going.

 

[ready2go]

Dharmabum, truth be known, Travolta (young or otherwise) is not a turn on for me as it turns out.  Even sitting in his underwear on the side of the bed groping himself.  Nope.  But DISCO!  Now that is the trigger I feared because back in the day I was the king of the disco.  Ok I couldn't dance for shit but I gave it my all.  So sometime around 1979ish there I am dancing my ass off, two or three JWReds in me (tall with soda), and the lights are spinning, the sweat is pouring off, the poppers may have been popping (I tried them a few times and no thanks, bad headache ahead), and this voice comes to me.  I don't often hear voices but when I do, I tend to listen because - well there must be an important message trying to get through, right?  The voice says, "if you keep doing this, you're going to die.  I'm going to kill you."  I'm like - oh fuck!  Who the hell is that?  Is that God?  Is it my inner early warning system?? Let's face it, someone had already drugged and date raped me a couple years earlier and I got really sick from that.  Why wouldn't I want to listen to a voice of reason, regardless of who it might be?

***Triggers alerts***  Not very graphic, but event oriented that may kick something off for some men.  Avoid if you have concerns.

Well it wasn't too much longer and people started dropping dead like flies for reasons no one really knew about, and of course, some years later that was named AIDS and even later yet, identified as HIV.  One of my MSM partners was one of those very early and very deadly infections and he died.  Since I, by nature and wiring, don't participate in particularly risky behavior, nothing bad happened to me, thank god. 

But I did withdraw from "the life" I had years earlier announced, to the chagrin of my step father who - well never mind, different story.

It's funny how we can forget huge chains of events like this, and I hadn't really thought about it until watching SNF last night.  The music is still moving, Travolta is not. 

I gave up MSM, not knowing why except the voice said if you keep it up I'll kill you, and stuck with MSF.  The parties were different, they were still fun and all but you know really, there is no disco like a gay disco for a good time.  I don't care what your inclinations are.  Talk about dopamine rushes.  Sheesh.

My withdrawal from all that created a pent up demand, let's say.  Yes I was living with a lady DJ in LA, and man that was a whole different story and life, and one of the best times of my life.  She was wonderful.  We fucked like crazy.  She was gorgeous, lively.  Drunken males from I don't know where would try climbing up the sides of the building to get in to party with her.  She had a way of managing them to keep them interested, but send them away feeling good about it.  I was SOOOOO in love.  But alas, not to be.  I wasn't connected in Hollywood the right way, and she needed to be, so I kind of drifted out of the picture over several years and took up living on my own.  Enter my first tv set (I hadn't had time for tv previously) and my first VHS box, and Broadway Video which was really an early video porn shop.  You rented them by the night for a few bucks.  And then copied them, and played them over and over.  And searched for something new.  That was my start in the world of video porn at home.  Earlier there was film porn in the theaters, but that was a different scene altogether.

So, did video porn save my life?  You know, I think it did.  It was an outlet whereby I could have sex with "someone", despite being just a tv screen, get increasing thrills and spills, and not put my physical body at risk.  The straight plumber from next door would come over, bring his tapes, and we'd watch though not participate in anything at all.  Just watch.  Though there were furtive glances and shit. 

I got married.  Wonderful lady, so in love and in love with being in love.  Then medical issues appeared and sex went away again, never to return.  Bummer!

Then later, dial up, chat rooms, pic exchange, short clips, yada yada yada.  1995ish, DSL, and the events leading to free sites of nonstop video kind of are lost in a dopamine fueled haze of spooge and the blue fuzz of my big CRT monitors, turned discreetly away from the door and toward the back wall so that my pants could be down, my eyes glued to the screen, one hand on the keyboard and one conveniently free for other shit. 

I'm still alive, never infected with anything, saw tons of images of hot sex of all kinds, ALL kinds, and still here to talk about it.  The other side of that picture is now you can have sex with people and not get sick or infected with anything if you do it right, if you don't there are treatments to keep you going, and my problem now:  no bone to share. 

So where does the no bone come from?  I'm betting on the porn.  It may have gotten me over some rough spots, some terrible years, but you know it's time to move on and get my body back into the arms of someone who wants to share it with me.  And I need to have a big old hard one to do that.  Not this floppy little guy who through no fault of his own is connected to a brain trained exclusively to get off to porn. 

Wow.  All from SNF. 

Today is perhaps a tough day.  I have to work, and my work brings some joy and some heartache.  I'd like to focus on the joy for now and skip the rest.  Later there is this dude I set up a meeting with to see if we want to do stuff together like hike, camp, fish, kayak.  The deal was this isn't a hookup gig, and truly, I have no interest in hooking up at all.  AT ALL!!  I guess I should find out if he does and let him know, kindly, that I love to fish and hike. 

Tons of paperwork to do, and that all by itself is enough to put me into a PMO mood.  But I think I can avoid both.

My new gym partner is out on a retreat somewhere and not available for sms chatter or for lifting, so I'll hopefully muster the motivation to go it alone and work out these stiff paraspinals and rhomboids.  Man, they hurt.  sitting is deadly.  And makes your back hurt too! 

That's my post for this morning.  Cheers.

 

[ready2go]

Where are we, heading in to day 9.  Fuck!  A few horny twinges today, nothing unmanageable whilst feeling like "yeah I got this".  Uh huh.  We shall see. 

A couple of feelings of some sensation down under the belt, which is novel.  It's not enough to say I was getting a bone on but enough to say there are signs of possible life.

I had the chance today to present the concept of PIED to someone.  We didn't drill down, I did the talking, but there was a look of recognition of some sort.  In real life, I don't know how much I want/need to know about someone's personal boner and brain business, but in this case I know there is ED going on and just threw it out there.  I hope he looks here, and if he finds me here, I'm fine with it.  He'll recognize this if he does.  It's an epidemic and people need to know.

Having incredible weather so was able to spend time outdoors at a time it should be 27 and snowing.  Instead it's 65 and sunny.  Usualliy warm weather makes me horny, and I do feel a little something going on, but nothing enough to make me want to porn up at all.  I'm actually enjoying the break.  Not realizing how much energy it was taking to keep myself keyed up for the pixels, I now have that energy to spend elsewhere. 

Without going into detail, I had the chance to tell someone today ( a different person who will absolutely not be here looking ) how much more energy I have, how people are friendlier, and how much better I feel.  I chalked it up to being back at the gym.  I'm sure that doesn't hurt, but this is the reboot bringing me this, not the gym.  It's pretty great today. 

I can't feel grateful enough for all that you guys are bringing to my life.  The knowing I'm not alone and there are huge numbers in exactly the same place I'm in.  Like the guy today; he knew.  I could tell. 

Dinner is coming soon so I'm outta here. 

Thanks guys; with love in my heart for you. 

 

[ready2go]

End of day 8 and into day 9.  Wow, nine days without porn, without jacking off/edging, and without ejaculating.  Never thought about doing this before, but I gotta say I feel GREAT! 

It was an easy day for the most part.  Work was a great pleasure for the most part, got to try some new or limited whiskey that was really good.  Nice little end to the week with beautiful spring-like weather.

I can see being busy is the way to beat this porn habit.  The cold showers are getting not only easier but kind of enjoyable.  I can feel the kinship with those others of you guys doing them.   

So great to do this and keep my journal here.  Thanks guys.

 

[Poker]

Good job my friend.  One hour at a time... One day at a time...

 

[ready2go]

Day 10 already.  Sweet!  I slept pretty well, only waking up at 4 as seems to be usual for me lately (the last year or so), up a bit and then back to sleep until I wake up naturally at around 9ish. 

***Trigger alert***  Very descriptive celebratory comment ahead.  Look past the jump if you may be sensitive.

As I woke up, I noted a big hard boner in my underwear, all wet and gooey.  It was mine!!!  Fuck yeah!!!!!

***End trigger alert***

There is life down there!  That is just fucking amazing.  It went away as soon as I woke up fully.  I honestly don't understand why it goes away when awake and was rock solid in my sleep, but I'll take it.    I believe it is movement in the right direction.  There was no thought of PMOing or anything like that, or of even M or Oing.  Just a thrill that there was THAT much life down there. 

Now it feels dead, and that's fine.  I don't want to be too attached to feelings of arousal, or even hopes of arousal, though I do want to kind of see the process be as short as possible so I can wire up to a person.  If you have read early stuff in this journal you might remember I have someone specific in mind. 

I don't think it was a full on wet dream but maybe.  I've never had one before.  I've never talked to anyone else about what one is like, and this is the only place in my life I can remember anyone even talking about them.  I don't think we did as kids, at least I didn't know anyone talking about them.

I'm not particularly horny this morning, don't remember any dreams from last night, though I remember having dreams. 
I do wish that when someone else here makes the coffee, they'd stop making decaf thinking I won't notice.  Just sayin...
It's not like I've got palpitations or something.

So today's list of things to do that has nothing to do with PMOing, and would not allow time for it if I wanted to, and I'm committed to doing these things:
1. We have a break from winter somehow, so I want to clear out and clean up the winter shit from the back yard.  This means powerwashing the patio to get the moss off, mowing the lawn (really, we have never had to mow in winter but it looks pretty bad), and just sort of have things looking really more summer like than winter like.
2.  Find some place I can get some basic painting supplies so I can get started on right brain reawakening and development.
3.  Work out at the gym with or without my new gym partner who is off on a retreat for the weekend, but may be back today.  The retreat apparently put him out of cell phone range, which is great for him.  Everyone should disconnect now and then.  I love those retreats where you know none of the participants and 48 hours later they are your very best friends and will last a lifetime. 
4.  I don't want to do anything for work.  I think making me work on Sunday's is a triggering event.  Maybe I should get a life and not work every day of my life.
5.  This one is amazing that I would even consider it.  Two cold showers.  I don't think I could ever have even considered cold shower until I came here, but it feels like a male bonding thing to do it.  Even though there is no one actually in there with me, I think of you guys, at least briefly, and what you think and how you feel, while I'm standing there with my skin stinging and my brain screaming out.  How weird is that?

That's not a bad list; I'm quite comfortable with it.  I guess I could wash a car too, but eh.  As soon as I do the clouds will come back and start raining again.  Better to drive it dirty in the sun.

Every hour of every day, you guys are with me.  I'm here during most of the time, and more actually, that I would have otherwise spent porning out, cruising CL, looking at one or two hookup sites.  (I never hook up, I use them for the porn-like value) so am committed to not looking there.  I have not installed K9 since i have to give up personal info to do so, and I feel exposed enough already. 

I love you guys.  Thank you for being with me on this crazy trip.  (I'm not going to edit, but just push post). 

 

[ready2go]

So far, not a difficult day.  I have noted some horniness - the checkout person at the art supply place gave me a good deal on my new art/painting supplies and I just wanted to jump those bones right there.  Very cute, very sweet, and there's nothing like a good deal.  Came home, took care of the back yard which now looks great.

Phase 2 will be happy to learn I'm heading for my second cold shower of the day. 

Really I know no one here cares about my hour to hour stuff, I'm just posting it to keep myself reminded that keeping busy, having goals, and achieving them keeps me out of the porn sites and getting stuff done that otherwise would be left to languish.

My commitment to work out may be somewhat diminished after working in the yard and having a couple of whiskeys to relax, but, who knows.  If not, then a long walk of the dog after dinner will at least take care of the commitment to purposefully exercise every day for an hour or two. 

I wish I could meet up with you guys for coffee or whatever and have face to face with you all.  My thankfulness for you guys knows no bounds, and its my great fortune that you are here for me, as I am for you.  Thank you.