My Journey

[notgivinup]

I am here again today....because I am making the commitment to just come here...a place where I can process openly and honestly. I have to keep getting stuff out of my head. So, I am coming here to do it.

I am moving toward talking with my wife about everything...and I really do mean everything. I can't move past where I am if I keep trying to just gut it out on my own....I have traveled that short circle too many times.

She rode with me to work this morning....and just talked about what's been going through her mind lately...actually, she talked about what she has been reading in the Bible lately. She settled in on the story of King David....the guy who had everything going for him - he won all his battles, and was handsome, and a musician, and a warrior, he was a giant slayer, and he became king.

My wife put together a couple events ....one where King David was trying to show kindness and compassion to another neighboring King...and this neighboring king's advisers told him that David was up to no good, and trying to spy on them. In short, the neighboring king humiliated King David and the messengers who brought the gifts....and David became really angry...and went to war against this guy.

It was on the heels of this that David saw Bathsheeba...and took her and got her pregnant...and then began trying to hide what he had done...and he just dug a hole deeper and deeper and deeper....ended up committing murder.

My wife said to me this morning...."you know, it was on the heels of this huge misunderstanding that everything started to go bad for David. His life was great...then you turn the page and it was all falling apart. He was hugely misunderstood, and then it seemed that he put his focus in the wrong place....not looking to God to be his defense and his help."

I listened....and it all seemed to point to what I am wrestling inside.

I feel like the way is being prepared for me to just open up and tell her everything....she is ready to hear it, and I am ready to haul it out into the light. I feel like I am going to die....but at the same time, I know I will die if I don't.

NGU

 

[notgivinup]

2+ days

I am here again today....realizing again today that I have lost more time and more energy and more opportunities by turning to pmo. It may not appear right away...but I always lose...and my family loses any time I turn to pmo.

Today, I am faced with that reality. I am serious about this....I am in the fight for the soul and life of my own family....my wife and my children.

I am serious about turning this around and never walking back.

NGU

 

[notgivinup]

3+  days.
looks like I am on my own here.
That's okay...I'm doing this for me and my family...and I am not giving up, and not letting up on my resolve to leave this behind.

I've been sick for a couple weeks...fighting a virus that has settled in my chest...but slowly getting better each day.

I am in a fight for my life and the soul of my family. I am in a fight for my marriage.

Another day, another step in the direction of life.

NGU

 

[Leon]

You are never on your own here, ngu!

While I'm slowly disengaging from the forum, and plan to be out by my second anniversary here (Nov 11th), I'm always interested when you post, and with your journey, even if I don't always comment.

I want you to do this for you- first and foremost! And, if it's not too late, I wondered if it's a good idea to burden your wife with what you can defeat on your own? Telling her may cause additional pain and stress in your marriage. This could cause an unnecessary distraction to your own much needed victory.

Please- don't disappear again! It makes one doubt your resolve. Beat that 60 day streak of yours- I double dog dare you!!!

 

[notgivinup]

Leon...thanks for the encouragement.

I'm here for me and my family, first of all.

I need the interaction and words of others here as well....and I have been reading more journals entries of other men here.

I am looking for an opportunity to talk with my wife about it all....if it happens naturally. I just know that I cannot keep going the same way I have been going.

My longest time away from pmo was 69 days. I am going to beat it and keep going.
I also have committed to being here daily....even if it is just for a quick check in. I will be here.

Thank you for your encouraging words.

NGU

 

[Boo]

NGU,

I'm only here at RN for another week but I wanted to encourage you to "stick and stay". Ultimately your motivation and resolve has to come from within, not from without. I'm sure there will be people here to journey along with as time goes on. Don't feel alone and by all means don't fall into the language of victim hood. As for me, anything I would have to say as to what it takes to make progress has already been said in my journal. You can get better if you have a serious commitment. Not lip service, not mental masturbation. A real plan, with a real strategy, that only you can fulfill, for yourself and your family.

 

[bob]

NGU,

After my relapse, I want to say that I am back to listen, support, and to look to others when I need to "lean for support." You are in my thoughts NGU.

Peace

 

[Leon]

Leon...thanks for the encouragement.

I'm here for me and my family, first of all.

I need the interaction and words of others here as well....and I have been reading more journals entries of other men here.

I am looking for an opportunity to talk with my wife about it all....if it happens naturally. I just know that I cannot keep going the same way I have been going.

My longest time away from pmo was 69 days. I am going to beat it and keep going.
I also have committed to being here daily....even if it is just for a quick check in. I will be here.

Thank you for your encouraging words.

NGU

No problem, NGU. Yes- in that order, yourself and then your family. If we wish to give our family the best of us they deserve, the best version of us they deserve, we have to do it for ourselves- and they benefit from our healthiness.

Interaction's great, if it's available. Mostly it is here, sometimes it's quiet. However, determine ahead of time that- with interaction or no interaction, you're going to beat this thing. We're weak to this addiction only because we've been blaming outside forces, or internal forces beyond our control (like our past, our 'triggers', etc)- that's why we think we need others to all but do it for us- but only you can do it, and no one else. You're the man- and when you stand up, nothing else can stand before you.

Reading other's journals is great, but if they're always resetting, always struggling- God bless them- but they're not the kind of examples we need, unless it's to learn what faulty thinking they're embracing, so we don't share their outlook. Finding journals of folk who're actually doing it- at least stringing together lengthy streaks- that's who we want to learn from.

Do as you feel you need to, as you know your wife. Know yourself, also, and what helps versus what's hindered you in the past.

69 days is even better for no PMO! Be sure to include whatever is not PMO, like any porn-subs, masturbation, edging, etc- as all these activities feed the habit, and we only kid ourselves until we're flat on our faces again. We have to say NO to all of it, whatever forms of it we indulge in.

You can do it. Find your strength, embrace it. 

 

[Chile]

Hey NGU,

It's been a while but I am still with you, for what it's worth. Don't get discouraged just because the struggle is taking years instead of months. I hope you continue your posts.

 

[notgivinup]

4days +
I appreciate the posts, guys.
Thank you.

I tend to just "think out loud" here....and say whatever is going through my mind at the time. I'm not a victim here....I know why I am where I am in my life right now. It sucks...but it's been my choices....my choices to go after the "feel good" "brain cookies" as others have called them. I have allowed the dopamine effect to pull me in time after time.

I knew what I was saying when I wrote, "I guess I'm on my own here." I felt disgusted that it had been a month, and there was no interaction from anyone in my journal....but I also felt disgusted that I had put myself in that place. Who wants to read anything from a guy who goes a week or 2 then resets....on and on and on?

I wouldn't. I don't.

I have become sick and tired of my life with pmo. SICK and TIRED of it all.

So, I am here again....and I have no intention of allowing myself to be in a place where the door can even be opened to pmo again. There is always - ALWAYS a price to be paid for it. There is NEVER a free pass on pmo. Ever. It always knocks something crashing to the floor....a lost opportunity of a moment with a son or daughter, or my wife....or could be anyone. It makes me SICK.

I don't know that I've ever expressed it here like this before, but I am mad about all this crap. I'm mad about the losses, and I'm mad about the choices I have made to put myself in a position of ....well, on a level with garbage, really. I have devalued my own life by turning to pmo. I literally have jumped off the ship of my life...leaving the wheel unattended.....and I have hit the rocks many times by doing this.

I'm mad about it....and I am making other choices now. Better choices for me and for my family.

NGU

 

[Leon]

This is the perfect place, NGU- your journal, your space. It's like in my own journal I post a lot of 'helpful' things- and I'm grateful if they reach and help others, but primarily- I'll post for myself, I'll coach myself, encourage or stir myself toward a greater resolve- what have you.

It's funny, my own journal had fallen back to page 3 of the Journals page- but I was kind of glad. A lot of new faces, and some naive interactions, and what not- had nothing to do with getting down to the nitty-gritty of doing this- except for a few on here. It didn't matter whether I had a comment or not. But, looking back recently, I saw how that a year ago, it was very helpful to get the support- so, I get that.

Right now, I'm in this place where I'm kicking this thing's ass, and it doesn't matter whether I have the support or not- or if I have to go it alone- I'm doing this for me, as I'm the only one who can properly do it for myself. If along the way I get some 'atta-boys', than great.

Don't be too hard on yourself, NGU (remember me saying that before?)- think of it this way: During the time when we made porn and masturbation our drug of choice, we were simply- and quite innocently- trying to simply correct our minds to a state of some kind of normalcy. The mind will correct itself quite naturally, without help from us- but sometimes we find something that does the trick in a speedy way- boom! We feel better already- until the hangover, the brain-fog, the feelings of guilt and shame, etc- then we find out that what was chosen to alleviate our pain actually exacerbates it- but then, too late! We've created a habituated brain that likes to get it's fix.

That's all it is- NGU. True, we did this to ourselves- we made a series of decisions that now we're kind of paying for- but the answer is quite simple: back out the same way you came in- that's it! You habituated your brain through this drug of choice, and now you have to un-habituate your brain, or desensitize your brain to this same behavior by denying it's urges, dismissing it's voice. The more times you do this, the more freer you are until the habit dies and diminishes altogether.

There's no need to crawl back down into the basement, wipe the cobwebs aside, and open up the trunk of filth and decomposed flesh of the past in order to try and solve some 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle called "Recovery!"- forget that noise. Just simply say, No, each and every time the urges come. This isn't through white-knuckling it, wrestling with it, trying not to look- and so forth. Simply see it for what it is, and be done with the illusion of a monster that is no more than a 'mouse'- crying from your lower brain for some cheese. Let it starve, and die. But, as long as you count it a monster- you give life to it, and it remains.

Simple and quite clear? Yes. Easy? Not always- but through detachment you'll fight from a higher plane. 

 

[bob]

NGU,

Please don't beat yourself up about this. It really doesn't help. Mad is OK. Determined is OK. Start again. Begin now. Join me in moving forward to make sure that PMO is behind us forever. I too have been struggling. I was doing well and then let down my guard. Now I am beginning anew.

You are not alone. Others have been there. We just have to move forward.

 

[notgivinup]

Day 4

I came here today with the full determination to delete my profile...or at least find out if I could.

I was not thinking of giving up....not at all....but I was intent on walking away from all that I have written here.

But, then I read what a couple of you wrote here.

"...the answer is quite simple: back out the same way you came in..."
and this,
"There's no need to crawl back down into the basement, wipe the cobwebs aside, and open up the trunk of filth and decomposed flesh of the past in order to try and solve some 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle called "Recovery!"- forget that noise. Just simply say, No, each and every time the urges come. This isn't through white-knuckling it, wrestling with it, trying not to look- and so forth. Simply see it for what it is, and be done with the illusion of a monster that is no more than a 'mouse'- crying from your lower brain for some cheese. Let it starve, and die. But, as long as you count it a monster- you give life to it, and it remains. "

Leon....you are right.

The last time I was here...I was disgusted with myself.

I had been sick for 3 weeks...and was physically sick when I wrote what I did....it was a bit unfiltered for me. I felt like crap, physically and emotionally.

But, you are right...it all becomes a bunch of noise. Today, right now, I am saying no to the possibility in my mind. Tonight, I will say no....tonight, I will make sure our house goes to bed at a decent time, and I will make sure my wife falls asleep next to me in our bed at the same time. It's what I will do. A little mouse in my brain wants cheese. The craving will be there...because it is how I am made, and it is what I have done to condition my brain this way. I see it...and will have to simply say no...because I want life...and I want to connect with my wife and my children, and the people around me.

I did not expect to keep everything here....and I may pull back from writing here....but I won't go away completely...not yet.

Thanks.
NGU

 

[notgivinup]

Bob...thanks for the encouraging words.

I'll keep moving forward...backing out the same way I got in here.

We can do this.

NGU

 

[bob]

NGU,

Been thinking about you lately. Hope all is well and things are progressing the way you would like. If they are not, that's OK too. Just know that we are here for you.

Peace

 

[Leon]

NGU,

I understand wanting to walk away from things we've typed or written. If that helps to reset, go for it. Or, it may serve as a reminder of how our dark thinking seemed to provide the atmosphere for our bad habits to flourish.

One thing is certain, let's boil this thing down to it's nuts and bolts- no pun intended for nuts, lol... Let's not overcomplicate this thing with so much psycho-babble, perpetually lying on a psych's couch (even metaphorically), trying to weed through years and years of trauma and our responses to it- none of that matters toward our freedom.

Understand this:

1. It is natural to want to feel good, to feel normal, happy and at peace;

2. The brain will naturally come back to this normal state on it's own, if left alone to do it;

3. Instead, we found a fast-track way that seemed to bring us to this more happier state, albeit through artificial means- our drug of choice- PMO. This was only temporary, though, creating it's own problems its wake. However, see this as an innocent effort on our part to try and attain that state of normalcy from the pains of overthinking and over feeling our problems.

4. Due to habituating toward those behaviors (through repetition), we became addicted.

5. The answer? Backing out the same way we came in. Instead of reacting or acting on urges, let's dismiss the urges (non-judgmentally), and refuse to act on them. This is how, and the only way, we can back out the way we came in, and be done with this nonsense.

The brain will have to find more natural ways to come back down from stress and anxiety on it's own, without us having to think too much on it, and without us trying to get there artificially.

Be at peace in your process, brother.

 

[notgivinup]

Hey Bob...thanks for the check in. Things are going well.

Leon....thanks for the reminders. You are right about boiling it down to the simple facts.

I would add, however, that the shame involved in my choices made me want to cover it all up...and I started lying about it as well...and causing separation between me and my wife, and others around me.....not good.

But, I keep thinking about the fact that this desire to feel good, that I short-circuited...to make happen...it's just this little mouse wanting cheese. It's not a lion...it's a mouse.

I am in the process of "waking up" again. Every day, I am feeling more alert and more awake.....and more ready to take steps in my life that I need to take.
Backing out the same way I came in.

Thanks.

NGU

 

[bob]

Hey NGU,

Leon mentioned the following [abstinence violation effect, or AVE] as a way to understand how we might respond to a future slip in our recovery. When we make the shame of a lapse so intense, we take a simple lapse to a full blown relapse. We feel terrible. I mean, come on... "can't I just stay away from this stuff??" The AVE research shows if we can forgive ourselves, i.e. acknowledge the slip, learn from it, and move on, we have a better chance of beating this thing. But if shame takes over in during a lapse, then we are more likely to turn that lapse into a full blown relapse. I know shame is inextricably tied to my porn use. In the past, I felt like giving up if I slipped.It's as if we say to ourselves, "F... it, I I blew it. I might as well give up."

I am not sure I am doing this concept justice but go ahead and research it a bit. It might help if in the future. After all we are human and humans do make mistakes.

Peace,

Bob

 

[Leon]

Hey NGU,

Leon mentioned the following [abstinence violation effect, or AVE] as a way to understand how we might respond to a future slip in our recovery. When we make the shame of a lapse so intense, we take a simple lapse to a full blown relapse. We feel terrible. I mean, come on... "can't I just stay away from this stuff??" The AVE research shows if we can forgive ourselves, i.e. acknowledge the slip, learn from it, and move on, we have a better chance of beating this thing. But if shame takes over in during a lapse, then we are more likely to turn that lapse into a full blown relapse. I know shame is inextricably tied to my porn use. In the past, I felt like giving up if I slipped.It's as if we say to ourselves, "F... it, I I blew it. I might as well give up."

I am not sure I am doing this concept justice but go ahead and research it a bit. It might help if in the future. After all we are human and humans do make mistakes.

Peace,

Bob

Well said, bob.

 

[AndyNJ]

I agree, very well said.  In that spirit I've reset but not beating myself up over it.  It's important to imagine oneself in the future as rebooted and to be positive about the prospect of getting there.