RuntoSpirit
Active Member
Joining the discussionon ABSTINENCE VIOLATION EFFECT --
It is a good idea to decide that you are going to forgive yourself for a fall. Many think that if they do this it will increase their likelihood to relapse, but it makes you stronger. For one thing you are not your addiction. Even an addict is worthy of being respected. When you put yourself under shame it only causes more pain for which you are then tempted to run to PMO for alse "comfort". INdeed, the reason we don't have a good sense of our worth is one of the reasons we have so many unresolved feelings anyway.
SO then, see forgiving yourself, respecting yourself, (even after a relapse) as one of the many skills you want to develop as you keep going on in recovery.
It is a good idea to decide that you are going to forgive yourself for a fall. Many think that if they do this it will increase their likelihood to relapse, but it makes you stronger. For one thing you are not your addiction. Even an addict is worthy of being respected. When you put yourself under shame it only causes more pain for which you are then tempted to run to PMO for alse "comfort". INdeed, the reason we don't have a good sense of our worth is one of the reasons we have so many unresolved feelings anyway.
SO then, see forgiving yourself, respecting yourself, (even after a relapse) as one of the many skills you want to develop as you keep going on in recovery.
A
AndyNJ
Guest
Agreed, RuntoSpirit! We are better than our addictions.
N
notgivinup
Guest
Just checking in again today.
I am still in this. Not giving up.
I have been free and clear for a week....and still on my way.
Learning to forgive myself and keep going.
Thanks.
NGU
I am still in this. Not giving up.
I have been free and clear for a week....and still on my way.
Learning to forgive myself and keep going.
Thanks.
NGU
O
Oneway
Guest
Hi NGU,
I am a new member here but already before registering to RN I read your journal and it had a great impact on me. I recall you had a long streak without pmo and you felt significant improvements in many aspects of your life. I don't know where you're at now but I just wanted to say that I believe that you have what it takes to get permanently free.
It is great that you're not giving up. Welcome back to the forum and all the best.
OW
I am a new member here but already before registering to RN I read your journal and it had a great impact on me. I recall you had a long streak without pmo and you felt significant improvements in many aspects of your life. I don't know where you're at now but I just wanted to say that I believe that you have what it takes to get permanently free.
It is great that you're not giving up. Welcome back to the forum and all the best.
OW
N
notgivinup
Guest
Hey Guys....
I want to check in again. I am doing fine.
I had a MAJOR breakthrough....and I have intended for a while to just get back here and share about it.
I have had playing around in my brain for QUITE SOME TIME....whether I should just get completely honest with my wife or not. On the one hand, it scared me to death...fearing she would decide enough was enough, and pack up and leave.
Then, on the other hand, I realized that I was miserable. I was struggling to stay on my feet for a length of time and keep moving forward....and it was stop and go, sputtering along.
I thought, "I am miserable, and I will live the rest of my life miserable. If she leaves me, at least I can live with knowing I was honest, and that I can finally move forward away from all this."
So, after a lot of praying and just clearing my mind on it....
I told her where I have really been...and what things have really been like for me. It was a Sunday morning...this past end of August.
She did not leave me...but she supported me.
I opened up my life to the light...and exposed the history of where I have been. I didn't lay out details, and she did not ask for details....but I was honest with her.
I am convinced that I could not have moved forward if I had not just gotten honest with her. I had placed my toes on that line before, and chickened out and ran for the darkness...many, many times before. This time, I stepped across the line into the light and let her see and know.
The one thing I have always forgotten while hiding in the darkness of my secrets is that when I have closed off this part of who I am...it also becomes a net that captures all the other good parts of me and prevents the good from coming into the light as well. All the people in my life only experience the shadowy Dr. Jekyll of who I am. It really stinks. I am aware of it, yet powerless to change it. It's the part of me that is covered by shame and defensiveness.
So, about a couple weeks after I told her, I found myself sexually aroused by her again...and she knew I was living honestly with her again, and she was becoming turned on by me again...which in turn made me even more turned on.....
We are busy people...with kids in the house...so EVENTUALLY (within a day), we were intimate again. I was able to go the whole way...and I'll share this.....immediately afterward, while I was still trying to breathe normally, I said to her, "Is it appropriate to sing the Doxology now?" She laughed....I was only partly joking. and no, I didn't actually sing the Doxology. But, hey, I may some time...I mean, of all the gifts God gave to mankind...this is one of THE best. okay....
So, I told you this in order to make this point: She said to me the next day while we were talking, "You know, I'm not sure why God made you this way, but I know that when you are lost in the other junk, that you just can't do it when we're together...so I always know."
I looked at her and asked, "Did I ever tell you this before?"
"No," she replied, "I just have known."
I was stunned....that she knew...because I already knew this was true. But I also was stunned because I realized that she had given me so much grace in our lives.
So....it's October now. I have not looked at the crap since the end of August...and I have not pmo'd since then.
But here is what I HAVE done....there have been a number of days I have had really crappy dreams where I was being accused of crap by people in my life. I felt really bad and disoriented when I woke up. You know what I did? I quoted a verse from the Bible, out loud, before I even got up. I'll tell you what it is in a minute.
But, you have to know that I am not a guy who readily wears his beliefs out in the open for people to know and see. I'm not a churchy kind of guy. But I am a Christian. I have total and complete faith in Jesus Christ and my need of him.
and of all verses in the Bible, this one can come across as, well, sounding really churchy. But, it is what I have been living with. It is from the book of James in the Bible, chapter 4, verse 7. I have been quoting, "Submit yourself, therefore, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."
I have been turning myself over to God..every morning. Making a choice to simply say, "God, I give you my mind, and I give you my emotions. I give you my body...I give you all of me right now." and then I go from there.
So, I have been living in the light and openly and honestly.
Since then...there have been a number of good things happening in my life. Too many, really to list here. I'll check in again from time to time. Okay...enough for now....I am still moving forward.
Thanks.
NGU
I want to check in again. I am doing fine.
I had a MAJOR breakthrough....and I have intended for a while to just get back here and share about it.
I have had playing around in my brain for QUITE SOME TIME....whether I should just get completely honest with my wife or not. On the one hand, it scared me to death...fearing she would decide enough was enough, and pack up and leave.
Then, on the other hand, I realized that I was miserable. I was struggling to stay on my feet for a length of time and keep moving forward....and it was stop and go, sputtering along.
I thought, "I am miserable, and I will live the rest of my life miserable. If she leaves me, at least I can live with knowing I was honest, and that I can finally move forward away from all this."
So, after a lot of praying and just clearing my mind on it....
I told her where I have really been...and what things have really been like for me. It was a Sunday morning...this past end of August.
She did not leave me...but she supported me.
I opened up my life to the light...and exposed the history of where I have been. I didn't lay out details, and she did not ask for details....but I was honest with her.
I am convinced that I could not have moved forward if I had not just gotten honest with her. I had placed my toes on that line before, and chickened out and ran for the darkness...many, many times before. This time, I stepped across the line into the light and let her see and know.
The one thing I have always forgotten while hiding in the darkness of my secrets is that when I have closed off this part of who I am...it also becomes a net that captures all the other good parts of me and prevents the good from coming into the light as well. All the people in my life only experience the shadowy Dr. Jekyll of who I am. It really stinks. I am aware of it, yet powerless to change it. It's the part of me that is covered by shame and defensiveness.
So, about a couple weeks after I told her, I found myself sexually aroused by her again...and she knew I was living honestly with her again, and she was becoming turned on by me again...which in turn made me even more turned on.....
We are busy people...with kids in the house...so EVENTUALLY (within a day), we were intimate again. I was able to go the whole way...and I'll share this.....immediately afterward, while I was still trying to breathe normally, I said to her, "Is it appropriate to sing the Doxology now?" She laughed....I was only partly joking. and no, I didn't actually sing the Doxology. But, hey, I may some time...I mean, of all the gifts God gave to mankind...this is one of THE best. okay....
So, I told you this in order to make this point: She said to me the next day while we were talking, "You know, I'm not sure why God made you this way, but I know that when you are lost in the other junk, that you just can't do it when we're together...so I always know."
I looked at her and asked, "Did I ever tell you this before?"
"No," she replied, "I just have known."
I was stunned....that she knew...because I already knew this was true. But I also was stunned because I realized that she had given me so much grace in our lives.
So....it's October now. I have not looked at the crap since the end of August...and I have not pmo'd since then.
But here is what I HAVE done....there have been a number of days I have had really crappy dreams where I was being accused of crap by people in my life. I felt really bad and disoriented when I woke up. You know what I did? I quoted a verse from the Bible, out loud, before I even got up. I'll tell you what it is in a minute.
But, you have to know that I am not a guy who readily wears his beliefs out in the open for people to know and see. I'm not a churchy kind of guy. But I am a Christian. I have total and complete faith in Jesus Christ and my need of him.
and of all verses in the Bible, this one can come across as, well, sounding really churchy. But, it is what I have been living with. It is from the book of James in the Bible, chapter 4, verse 7. I have been quoting, "Submit yourself, therefore, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."
I have been turning myself over to God..every morning. Making a choice to simply say, "God, I give you my mind, and I give you my emotions. I give you my body...I give you all of me right now." and then I go from there.
So, I have been living in the light and openly and honestly.
Since then...there have been a number of good things happening in my life. Too many, really to list here. I'll check in again from time to time. Okay...enough for now....I am still moving forward.
Thanks.
NGU
N
notgivinup
Guest
Another good day....although yesterday I found myself just feeling agitated.
I think it had to do with the donuts that were sitting in my car....my wife thought she would offer a treat...and put them there. Sugar and fat....just what we all need.
Lately, I have stopped using any kind of sugar in my coffee...and I feel better. But I ate a couple of those donuts on the way home from work yesterday and could feel the Dr. Jekyll coming out. It was crazy.
I was hanging around the kitchen after work, talking to my wife...and I just got turned on by her. Some of the stuff on the stove needed time to simmer...so, I took her by the arm, and we went to the bedroom. It was awesome. We finished up before the timer went off on the stove. I was pretty much all better after that. Just a normal thing, I guess....but I am thankful that she was open and that she wanted it, too. Most of her openness to me is because I was honest with her...and she knows it.
I had some echos of memories of junk moving through my mind this morning....like shreds of tissue paper blowing through my mind...but I gave myself to God...and even said out loud again, "Submit yourself, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." and I moved on. It's been a good day.
NGU
I think it had to do with the donuts that were sitting in my car....my wife thought she would offer a treat...and put them there. Sugar and fat....just what we all need.
Lately, I have stopped using any kind of sugar in my coffee...and I feel better. But I ate a couple of those donuts on the way home from work yesterday and could feel the Dr. Jekyll coming out. It was crazy.
I was hanging around the kitchen after work, talking to my wife...and I just got turned on by her. Some of the stuff on the stove needed time to simmer...so, I took her by the arm, and we went to the bedroom. It was awesome. We finished up before the timer went off on the stove. I was pretty much all better after that. Just a normal thing, I guess....but I am thankful that she was open and that she wanted it, too. Most of her openness to me is because I was honest with her...and she knows it.
I had some echos of memories of junk moving through my mind this morning....like shreds of tissue paper blowing through my mind...but I gave myself to God...and even said out loud again, "Submit yourself, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." and I moved on. It's been a good day.
NGU
N
notgivinup
Guest
I am back.
I need to keep on the journey.
It's been a roller coaster....but I have to walk the right direction.
I'm here to stop.
NGU
I need to keep on the journey.
It's been a roller coaster....but I have to walk the right direction.
I'm here to stop.
NGU
N
notgivinup
Guest
If I were to have a listening ear...someone who could hear it all and not condemn me, but just hear it all....maybe this is what I would say....
I have been on the roller coaster of porn binging and then swearing it off....been doing it so long that I used to be able to clear out the account and delete the account. Now you can't even delete the account. there are so many "safeguards" that I can easily get back into the account that I tried to delete. Reset a password so that I don't know it....doesn't matter. I can get back in....up and down, in and out, time after time after time.
For me, it seems to be about 10 days...that's all I can take. 10 days...away from the pmo...and then i am hit...like being hit in the head with a brick...dazed...can't think...can only feel that i want to run back into all the filth and crap.
I am trying to look deeper now...at the WHY. What is going on inside me that I want to run back? Why am I doing it?
I look at my dad...he was a mess, and I never knew it. I just used to wonder why we lived in the same house, but I never really knew him. I wondered why he was so distant. Why was he there? He worked, and when he came home from work, he worked. we sat at the same table...but he never looked me in the eyes and spoke to me unless he was angry about something. There was no connect...no contact. nothing. There was only...aloof laughing about something that happened at work, or burns from the overflow of his lava anger....explosive. That was it.
so, I have this hunger....SO INCREDIBLY HUNGRY to connect with the man...any man...a man...a masculine presence....power...real power...something to affirm that it lives in me...but all I can find is mixed up, messed up sexual crap....that plays with power and weakness....and there is no connection...only shame.
so, I have been in and out of skype accounts...used to be able to change the password so I could never get back into the same account....but new accounts are easy peazy....and then I started remembering the account names of the ones I found and the ones who would engage me on skype. But, I've been doing this so long now, that even these "real" people have grown tired of me.
what the crap....empty. nothing there, really.
i look with horror at the relationships in my life that are suffering...under the weight of my own inability to cope and move on. I am beginning to believe that I will actually lose everything that is dear to me. I am afraid.
My thoughts today are a mess....wild distressing dreams last night. I was on a motorcycle that I could barely keep upright. My daughter was on my lap, but she was a tiny infant...trying to just rest on my lap. It was a balancing act...I was trying to keep steering, and keep control and keep it upright, yet balance her on my lap and not let her fall to her death. The throttle was not working right, and I could not find the brakes....I had no real control of the bike...and there were obstacles, and curves and....it was maddening and beyond scary....I woke up from the dream in distress.
My wife was distressed this morning....she could barely talk to me.....she is ready to leave. My hear hurts today.
I don't know what I need.
I have been on the roller coaster of porn binging and then swearing it off....been doing it so long that I used to be able to clear out the account and delete the account. Now you can't even delete the account. there are so many "safeguards" that I can easily get back into the account that I tried to delete. Reset a password so that I don't know it....doesn't matter. I can get back in....up and down, in and out, time after time after time.
For me, it seems to be about 10 days...that's all I can take. 10 days...away from the pmo...and then i am hit...like being hit in the head with a brick...dazed...can't think...can only feel that i want to run back into all the filth and crap.
I am trying to look deeper now...at the WHY. What is going on inside me that I want to run back? Why am I doing it?
I look at my dad...he was a mess, and I never knew it. I just used to wonder why we lived in the same house, but I never really knew him. I wondered why he was so distant. Why was he there? He worked, and when he came home from work, he worked. we sat at the same table...but he never looked me in the eyes and spoke to me unless he was angry about something. There was no connect...no contact. nothing. There was only...aloof laughing about something that happened at work, or burns from the overflow of his lava anger....explosive. That was it.
so, I have this hunger....SO INCREDIBLY HUNGRY to connect with the man...any man...a man...a masculine presence....power...real power...something to affirm that it lives in me...but all I can find is mixed up, messed up sexual crap....that plays with power and weakness....and there is no connection...only shame.
so, I have been in and out of skype accounts...used to be able to change the password so I could never get back into the same account....but new accounts are easy peazy....and then I started remembering the account names of the ones I found and the ones who would engage me on skype. But, I've been doing this so long now, that even these "real" people have grown tired of me.
what the crap....empty. nothing there, really.
i look with horror at the relationships in my life that are suffering...under the weight of my own inability to cope and move on. I am beginning to believe that I will actually lose everything that is dear to me. I am afraid.
My thoughts today are a mess....wild distressing dreams last night. I was on a motorcycle that I could barely keep upright. My daughter was on my lap, but she was a tiny infant...trying to just rest on my lap. It was a balancing act...I was trying to keep steering, and keep control and keep it upright, yet balance her on my lap and not let her fall to her death. The throttle was not working right, and I could not find the brakes....I had no real control of the bike...and there were obstacles, and curves and....it was maddening and beyond scary....I woke up from the dream in distress.
My wife was distressed this morning....she could barely talk to me.....she is ready to leave. My hear hurts today.
I don't know what I need.
N
notgivinup
Guest
right now...i feel like i just want to give up. i want to end everything.
i'm supposed to sit and look at my wife tonight and tell her all about the crap...and all the bad decisions i have been making...and all the crap i have been choosing. She knows things are really wrong..she knows something is really messed up. she has been on this roller coaster with me. She has believed that things were "better" and "fixed" and ok. They were better for a while...but I have gone back and i have been consumed by all the crap.
I am like dead cold stone on the inside. Frozen. unable to move ahead, unalbe to plan, unable to get up....frozen. Covered in shame. Numb. novacain.
i know i am a whiny piece of crap right now....and i don't know how to just get up.
I told her i would talk with her tonight...and I am not sure what I am going to do, or how I am going to do it.
i'm supposed to sit and look at my wife tonight and tell her all about the crap...and all the bad decisions i have been making...and all the crap i have been choosing. She knows things are really wrong..she knows something is really messed up. she has been on this roller coaster with me. She has believed that things were "better" and "fixed" and ok. They were better for a while...but I have gone back and i have been consumed by all the crap.
I am like dead cold stone on the inside. Frozen. unable to move ahead, unalbe to plan, unable to get up....frozen. Covered in shame. Numb. novacain.
i know i am a whiny piece of crap right now....and i don't know how to just get up.
I told her i would talk with her tonight...and I am not sure what I am going to do, or how I am going to do it.
marsturm
Active Member
Hello NGU, My heart goes out to you. I know that this must be a terrible, distressing time for you, and I know that my words might sound stupid and worthless, but please hang in there, because it WILL change. I promise you. Even in your darkest hour, there is a light that is ever, ever glowing, and it will pierce through the darkness! Your feelings are no reliable indicator of what your future holds. Your thoughts will change, and you will find new solutions and compassion for yourself and everyone in your life. Trust your intutition, it will guide you what to do next. Trust yourself, you are a good man. Peace. Love. I am thinking of you.
workinprogressUK
Well-Known Member
Patrick said:
It won't change unless YOU change, NGU. We could kid each other with all the nice words in the world, but whatever you've been doing has not worked. So you need to change something. You're either doing the wrong things, or not doing enough of the right things, or both. Assess everything, because something is seriously messed-up if you're talking about ending everything. Your troubles appear too serious for me to throw any cod-science or conjecture into the mix. Please get some proper help, buddy. I feel for you. But continuing your status quo does not appear viable from here.
NGU please listen to this podcast. It is excellent. My husband said it was accurate in what it stated.
https://m.soundcloud.com/loverice/the-science-of-human-connection-with-dr-sue-johnson
We got the book and it is self help to get the two people in a relationship find their emotional connection. I think you will find a lot of help there. It is tough to work through this in a marriage but it can be done. We are 6 years post d day. And get better at this loving thing every day.
https://m.soundcloud.com/loverice/the-science-of-human-connection-with-dr-sue-johnson
We got the book and it is self help to get the two people in a relationship find their emotional connection. I think you will find a lot of help there. It is tough to work through this in a marriage but it can be done. We are 6 years post d day. And get better at this loving thing every day.
bob
Respected Member
NDay,
What a relief. I was so worried about you. I understand the frustration and depression this process can put upon a person. While we are the ones that need to change, that change is extremely difficult. I hear it. I know it. I live it daily.
I hope that your post means that your talk with your wife was productive and that you are considering bringing in a counselor in the mix. They can be a great help. One word of cation though; you have to find the right one. I went through a few during my lifetime and that one that I have currently is wonderful.
Enough about me. So glad to hear that you are here and that we can continue this fight.
Peace and love for a promising future.
Bob
What a relief. I was so worried about you. I understand the frustration and depression this process can put upon a person. While we are the ones that need to change, that change is extremely difficult. I hear it. I know it. I live it daily.
I hope that your post means that your talk with your wife was productive and that you are considering bringing in a counselor in the mix. They can be a great help. One word of cation though; you have to find the right one. I went through a few during my lifetime and that one that I have currently is wonderful.
Enough about me. So glad to hear that you are here and that we can continue this fight.
Peace and love for a promising future.
Bob