noises1990, relapsed, now back on track

[adrian]

Hello! I'm Adrian, 25 and been going on and off around this issue with PMO. Some of you may know me from the old account... noises1990. Don't know what happened to me that let me relapse so bad and go back to the old habits after a 150 days clean life... But I'm here again and looking forward to making some real progress.


I've made it to 100 and plus days before but went on a binge after viewing some P one night. Recently I've MOed to hot pictures but that's kinda it.
I'm trying to kick P out and for good, I'm getting tired of all the anxiety regarding if my Johnson will work or not and very low libido.

Hello everyone and... let's kick this bad habit.

Old thread with story for interested users: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=380.msg3810#msg3810

 

[adrian]

Hello folks! Today I have a question that's been troubling me for some time...

Do you think it is normal (given our current situation of PMO addiction) to have high levels of anxiety when attempting to have sex with a girl? I get scared sh*tless when I'm about to have sex with a girl, producing huge waves of anxiety which inevitably transmutes in the act of failure...

What can you recommend on this issue?

 

[adrian]

Well, today my girlfriend visited me. She lives in a different country for now but came home because her mom is in the hospital. Since I'm working from home it was pretty easy to start things so we had sex 3 times. First one was meh, because haven't had sex like since new year's eve, but the other 2 times were nice.
I bet that my previous attempt at this (~150 days) really helped with this situation.
Currently though I'm a bit "sucked" dry, low libido and stuff, but I guess it's normal.
It can be done people, we can get free!

 

[adrian]

Another day has passed. So far so good... Got some cravings, can't deny them and some fantasies that might include some P thoughts but they pass.
Girlfriend came to my home again today and had an awesome se*y time. Actually was really proud of the erection, it's getting better each day.
Too bad that she'll leave sunday back to school/work abroad so I guess I'll be forced to cheat a bit

Other than that, mood is kinda low but it's maintaining on the floating line. Can't say I'm very productive but I'm working from home right now so this might be the only reason.

 

[adrian]

Well, girlfriend left the country. We had a nice time and sex with her was amazing, like it used to be when I was a teenager and I'm happy for that.
But somehow I'm a bit anxious because if she's gone that means no more sex and that means flatline... I hate the flatline!

Have a great week-end people!

 

[quartz]

Adrian, Bongiorno!

You say in one of your posts, "I guess I'll be forced to cheat a bit." I hope that doesn't mean watching P!

As for your question: I don't think I've ever been anxious when having sex (despite the whole PMO situation I have since ~12 years old), except for the first time I had sex. I think you become anxious when you are not in control. If you are in control, you are not anxious.

 

[adrian]

Adrian, Bongiorno!

You say in one of your posts, "I guess I'll be forced to cheat a bit." I hope that doesn't mean watching P!

As for your question: I don't think I've ever been anxious when having sex (despite the whole PMO situation I have since ~12 years old), except for the first time I had sex. I think you become anxious when you are not in control. If you are in control, you are not anxious.

Ciao amico mio,

To cheat a bit I meant on my gf... You might be on to something here with control... Do you have any suggestions about handling this? Would mean a lot to get some info on it!

 

[quartz]

Well, if you?re in control of the relationship you wouldn?t be anxious or intimidated when it comes down to sex. What I mean by being in control is being ?alpha?. Today the term is overused by PUAs (pick up artists) on websites and YouTube channels, it?s really a disgrace. But, I guess it?s a symptom of our society ? it?s? how should I say? it?s a ?courageous act? today to be manly in a society that constantly shoves down your throat gay rights and female empowerment. Anyway, that?s a whole other topic. But what I mean is basically to be the man (to be in control) in the relationship and not: let her take decisions for you, decide what you?re going to do, choose the clothes you can or cannot wear, decide when to have sex. That?s what I mean by being in control. It?s about not having women stepping all over you (i.e. being pussy-whipped). Hope that helps.

Anyway, it seems like you?re on the right path, amico! Remember: The recovery process is never a straight line ? there will come times when you feel powerless, anxious or nervous but don?t give in. Never. It?s a journey, and just because the road will be bumpy at times, it?s never a reason to back off from the goals you set. Do you think that the plane captain that leaves the airport with a goal (the destination) is going to abandon the controls when the flight experiences turbulence? No. Do you think the captain releases oxygen masks when turbulence begins? No. Because it?s understood that turbulence is part of the process of getting there, and that it?s not necessarily a crisis ? i.e. a pretext to abandon ? when it occurs. That?s dedication. That?s vision. And this is all you. When you first set the goal to stop PMO you had a vision. And now it?s time to hold the controls tight and navigate through the storm because you know that once you get pass the turbulence everything will be alright.

 

[adrian]

You're right about bein' alpha... It's more like a state of mind... Now, since I'm doing better in the bed with my gf (had amazing sex that was the best in years) I think that "the alpha" is getting back.
Something else that I've noticed (might be a bit of a bad thing) is that I'm more aggressive overall. It climaxes when I'm drunk. Used to be a nice drunk, joking and stuff but lately I've been fighting a lot with random people and getting into some serious shit. Saturday got my head bashed with a bottle and picked fights with strangers.

But it's all good regardless of the destructive path I'm goin right now lol xD

Stay strong!

 

[Askanas]

Now youre making me scared, I am also always nice when drunk, hope thats not going to change xD
But the price is realy worth that sacrifice.

 

[adrian]

Hahaha, can't deny that it's actually funny when you start remembering the dumb things you've done the previous night.

Reboot related, I hate that anxiety kicks in again. I hate this mixture of anxiety / depression that comes in episodes during the reboot. But it's all good I guess, we gotta go on.
Cravings are ok to manage right now, not really interested due to flatlining, but I can't wait for my libido to kick in like a roaring beast!

Stay Strong and focused!

 

[adrian]

Hello everyone!

It's starting to be a bit rough... sad that it's happening so soon. I don't even know how to point it exactly because it's not depression, but a huge sense of anxiety. And it's mindless stuff like missing one's point in life, not knowing where you're headed, what you should do and so on.

Meh, I'm tired!

Good night guys and stay strong!

 

[superyo]

I'm having these anxiety/depression cocktails myself often and i hate them, but they decrease in duration as time goes by, nothing you can do other than let them pass i guess.

 

[Chaos Mind]

Hey adrian,

your story shall be a warning for all those who think that after the standard 90-days everything is fine and the brain has become all healthy again. No matter what we read in the success stories...the addiction is never wiped out. It is only put to sleep. And watching porn once means waking it up and having a hard time putting it back to sleep once again.

This time you're smarter. You live and learn and you come to know your enemies. It's not the strong urge that you need to fight. It's the "so what, let's do this quick".

It's starting to be a bit rough... sad that it's happening so soon.

I don't know what will finally help you, but I have a feeling you need to relax with this a little. You are already an expert at this, so you might be able to let things slide a little. Don't focus too much about the topic. Just do what you like and keep in mind that there are things out there which might trigger so, so stay cautious. But after so much time of fighting the addiction you should be clever enough to keep this in the background.

You've got other problems at the moment. Deal with them, step by step. What's your point in life? Go find out! You don't know where you are heading to? Analyse your situation and find different scenarios to choose from. You don't know what you should do? Try something new and crazy! These problems are only little related to porn, so deal with them separately.

 

[adrian]

I'm gonna try to be a bit more positive throughout the day and reject negative thinking. I'll just do what I like and enjoy for now without focusing on big issues because clearly it's not  a good time to make life changing decisions.

I'll just enjoy it, let myself be and try to understand me and each of my mental states as we/they are.

Have a great night brothers! Stay strong!

 

[Chaos Mind]

Not a fan of the word "try".

Trying means, calculating failure as an option. You don't try to be more positive, you are going to be more positive. Slight but significant difference
But your intention is good of course, keep it up!

 

[adrian]

Not a fan of the word "try".

Trying means, calculating failure as an option. You don't try to be more positive, you are going to be more positive. Slight but significant difference
But your intention is good of course, keep it up!

Hahaha, nicely said! You're totally right.. trying includes the possibility of failure and that's something that we can not afford! Everything is going to be great and awesome as long as you put your back into it and work your butt off!

Thanks a lot for the feedback ! Stay Strong fighters!

 

[adrian]

Heh! Things are good and everything is lovely ^_^. Week-end is upon us and I've realized I need to get out more and socialize hardcore, I've been missing it. I hate the winter because it's so cold, and you barely get to see the sun. I guess this also contributes to depression... like not staying in the sunlight and inside all the time.

Can't wait for summer and having fun through parks and at the sea side. Smoking a joint with a group of friends and just laugh at random stupid stuff, taking a walk on the beach.... Man I miss those days!

Stay strong fellows! Life is great!

 

[adrian]

Aaaaand it all lasted until I came home drunk after a night of seeing tits and ass. Nicely done me!

I don't feel remorse though, it's just a small stop in the town of Wankville, but it's something! I am sorry but I could not take the pressure any longer

 

[Chaos Mind]

Didn't you say you were a member of the AA?

It makes me wonder if porn is really your #1 issue when you said you "came home drunk"