noises1990, relapsed, now back on track

[mtaha2015]

adrian , that is fine.

so this time , your plan should be avoiding the triggers of dating sites.
you have to choose one thing.
avoid triggers my friend.

 

[adrian]

Thank you for your support! It really means a lot !

 

[mtaha2015]

No problem.
Wishing you best luck.
and stay strong.

 

[jkkk]

Exactly, Adrian. You didn't fail no one in this situation.

The addiction will keep on trying to get you in its shame cycle and the only thing at this point in time is to stop it from doing so immediately! You have nothing to be ashamed of! We're addicts. Its a disease. There's nothing shameful in being ill, right? As 12 steps program puts it its a disease of mind, body and soul. It is also uncurable and lethal. But "so what", it's possible to recover and live the best life we could.

Please do not have hard feelings on yourself. It's really equal to a situation where if one us failed, you would taunt as that we failed. You cannot do that to us and even more so you cannot do that to yourself.

 

[Vangsta]

You are battling with something I cannot even begin to imagine.

1. You are in an intimate relationship but its long distance.
2. You also drink alcohol and a violent drunk at that.
3. You also have the capability to have sex on a regular basis without your girlfriend.

You can't be sexually intimate with your girlfriend. You can possibly break up with her, but she may be the one. Although you end up cheating on her since she is not around to satisfy you sexually. You can stop having sex, but you have had it before. You need either sex, or porn. You also need to quit/lower alcohol use. Beyond the alcohol is a lot of unconscious anger resulting in the fights you mentioned previously. Either that or you grew up fighting. All this and porn hasn't even been mentioned!

I hate to say this, but have you tried talking to a therapist? If you can't afford it or don't want to, maybe approach the problem from a different angle? The problem is beyond porn. This is apparent because you have been porn free before and that has helped, but it wasn't enough. Cheating and alcohol are problems that are equivalent or worse than porn. Try complementing being porn free with moving towards your ideals in life. Childhood dreams, boxing, bodybuilding, etc. Try anything you want to as long as it involves quitting porn too.

Glad you are back and holding yourself accountable! Stay strong my friend!

 

[mtaha2015]

vangsta is correct.
I agree with him.

 

[adrian]

@mr.awesome
Yes... self hate is not that productive, but that's how it makes me feel every time I betray my ... creed... But you are right about the failing criteria, thank you for the feedback!

@jkkk
Yeah, I would never see another person around here like that for failing. I keep incriminating myself a lot, must be a learned and repeated behavior probably picked up while growing up. Thank you!

@Vangsta
You touched some sensible subjects...
1. My gf might really be the one... she is just perfect but she is very far away and she doesn't want to come back to our home country. I'm the one who should move to another country in order to be with her and that makes me feel a bit emasculated.
Besides that, 5 years back when we first met and was in a relationship for about 4 months (we were young and foolish) she left me for another dude and we haven't spoke for about 3-4 years, then we met again.
There's a lot of resentment and trauma for what she did, but we're supposed to get over it, right? I'm not affected by cheating, been through it so many times before that there's a single phrase that makes me cry: "I'll never do that to you because I love you" / " I would never cheat on you because I love you "
She actually said that last night and made me cry hardcore. There's a lot of hurt feelings inside and lots of trauma.

2. Alcohol consumption might be a peer pressure thing, all my friends considering fun time and going out only clubs or activities that include heavy drinking. I'm not intending to drink anymore, because it brings up childhood issues and unhappy events.

3. I think all I want and need is affection with the ultimate thought/need of making a family but in turn i always find only heartless bi*ches that are only loking for sex and fun times.
I didn't have my family close since the fled the country when I was 10 so I'm missing a lot of affection, which makes me a creep for "love and affection". I don't think I'll ever get the feeling of security or safety net that a caring family provides and that's a big issue in my eyes.
I am just so confused about this, and tired of being lonely/sad/sometimes might even be seen as desperate, although it's not that... I fear that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, with no actual person that can understand my fears and deficiencies all picked up along the way with such a f*cked up social medium.

I am terribly confused

 

[mtaha2015]

adrian,
leave alcohol.
this is my advise.
it always has bad consequences .

 

[adrian]

Well it's been some troubling days, lots of depressed moments or not quite depressed but motivation-less. Training although is going well, whenever I'm at the gym I forget all other issues and focus on the exercises and lifting, it's quite nice!

Had two occasions to cheat again but God guess made it right for me because I would've slipped again and cheated, so thank you Lord! Although I do crave sex a lot, the interaction, the emotions, the touching everything!

Girlfriend will soon get here though, a week and a half I guess. I don't know if I'll be able to perform with her though. Guess that knowing that after 10 days of staying here with her parents she'll leave again might actually deepen my depression and make me unable to stay in the moment and enjoy the time spent together.

Well, I guess we'll just have to see it when we'll get there! In the meantime PS4 keeps me away from porn and masturbation! AC Unity is really nice and heists in GTA v are fun!

Have a great week guys and stay focused and strong! Gonna take my Animal Cuts and drink my proteins! Have fun!

 

[Robert20]

Keep up the good work mate, it sounds like you have made a great start to rebooting again! 

Sometimes, I like to play the PS3 too! Just by playing an hour or so if your struggling for things to do, helps to focus right and get rid of the urge? I wish I had a PS4, hopefully soon  8)

Good luck Adrian!

 

[jkkk]

Dust off, Adrian, and get back with us. We need you here! We need you sober!

 

[mtaha2015]

drink your protein ?
what do you mean?
you will drink your own sperm ?

 

[adrian]

Hahaha, no taha! Protein powder that you mix with water or milk and drink them to rebuild muscle tissue after gym (lifting).
I usually replace two meals per day with protein shakes.

 

[mtaha2015]

Oh okay.

That's good.

 

[adrian]

Had some cravings today, browsed Facebook a bit, but did not give in and M or Edge or anything so it's half okay!

I guess in time I'll leave this too behind, and gonna spend less time on Facebook. Definitely working from home is not helping my current situation.

I have to focus more on yoga, reading and spirituality!

Have a great night members of this community! Stay strong, stay golden! We will shine!

 

[TP]

It is nice idea to spend less time in facebook and more time in the real world. Thumbs up!

 

[adrian]

Wheeeelps, gf came back home, we had a tough time when we first got out for a coffee because I'm tired of her indecisions regarding everything.

Yesterday though she came by my place and we had fun, a lot of fun, and all I can say is that PIED is cured. I should've known even since i had sex with a girl I knew for 5 minutes, but now I'm sure.

Although I feel bad that I've ejaculated a few times yesterday because now my main focus will be sexual continence, meaning ejaculation with internal explosion not external one (Tantra) due to the fact that ejaculating drains the body of energy and regresses from spiritual achievements.

Thank you all stay strong and remain confident!

 

[mtaha2015]

adrian , can you explain, how can someone explode his sexual energy internally, instead of wasting it on porn or girls.
can you teach me your trantra please. is that Qigong meditation or what ? how can we utilize that sex energy in our self internally instead of wasting on girls and women.
meditation is good, but again it is a far away from reality. you have to go in special kind of state to attain state of meditation. so I don't like meditation. I think we can explode our sex energy internally only by letting it go.

can you please explain your way ?

 

[adrian]

Hey taha! It is simply the tantric aspects of sexuality.

It is not something that I can teach, because I'm only beginning to learn it now, I still ejaculate unfortunately. You can watch this video to get an idea on the issue: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKUZwNfFwTM
Also, you can research anything regarding Tantra and Sexual continence on the internet, but to fully experience it I think you have to join a tantric yoga class and find a partner that is willing to go along this path with you.

Stay strong and positive!

 

[Ruy Henrique]

meditation is good, but again it is a far away from reality. you have to go in special kind of state to attain state of meditation. so I don't like meditation.

Hey taha, just to let you know: non-meditation is far away from reality, meditation is letting go of thoughts and desires (both of which create illusions) and seeing raw reality.
You might be talking about a mystical state, or altered states of perception, which some people induce themselves through visualisations and mantra or etc, but that is not medidation, that is visualisation or doing something to achieve something.
Meditation is not doing anything. Meditation is non-interference. Meditation is training your awareness in order to understand better the mind and it's tricks, and learning how to control it, rather than being controlled by it. The mind wants to interfere, because it wants more always, because it is never satisfied, since it is driven by pleasure, and it is not "evil", but only does that because we have unintentionally trained it to behave like that. So, think of it like a wild horse. It would be fine on its own, but if you'd want to ride it, you'd have to learn to tame it, first. Or else, it would just run amok, and impossible to be rode. It would control you, and lead you to where it wanted, instead of you being the leader.
In practical terms, a common meditation technique is to sit still for 5 minutes and watching your breath, while not interfering with it. Just observing it, completely focused on it, no other thoughts or judgements, but also not controlling it in any form. It is not a technique to achieve "mindfullness", "awareness of the moment", but it is just practicing this basic principle: learning to control your mind. That being said, there are countless, literaly infinite ways, in which you could "meditate", in which you could practice this principle, just watching the present reality, letting go of the judgements and thoughts, while also letting go of the idea of a "me" who is doing the letting go, and while not getting caught in trying to get too metaphysical or anything, JUST BEING THERE. Shut the fuck up, mind, let me live for a moment, will you? Thanks.

So, yeah. My opinion is, you should like meditation  .