Will's journal

[Will500]

Hi there.  Not exactly an original title for today's entry, but wanted something I could use regularly so people would know who I am and check out wnat I write, if they're interested.

First a technical question:  I've posted a few times in the journal section and each time clicked on 'new topic'.  Is that the best way to do it?  Or do I end up with each entry being  new journal?

Anyway, short and sweet tonight I think.  There have been times today, I've been really struggling with cravings.  I've been using mindfulness/body awareness exercises to try and calm them, but it's been a bit like trying to  stop a magnet sticking to metal.  I've found another method really helps when nothing else works.  I consider myself a scientist, and study the exact nature of my cravings - how long they last, how long they stop for, when they come back.  Taking this objective attitude seems to take me out of my obsession and calm them down. 

I think I've also been experiencing a bit of a dopamine crash - mood swings and times when I just have no motivation to do anything.  Getting out of bed was hard this morning.

This evening I had a great session with my therapist, and am feeling confidence I can lick this P thing.  I am halfway through my first goal of a week without PMO - and plan to set myself increasingly challenging goals after that.  With the exception of one 3 year period of abstinence I am pretty sure I have been addicted to P for 26 years, so ultimately would like to get to my birthday in June without PMO.  I feel a good cleanout is needed!  And it will be a great 40th birthday present to give myself.  I plan to set shorter interim goals though, as the dopamine boost from the sense of achieving small goals may be handy....

I hope you are doing well - my heart goes out to anyone with this problem.  Be great to hear any response.

All the best,

Will.

 

[CrazyGopher]

Hello Will,

I wanted to thank you for stopping by my journal, and to wish you good luck on your reboot journey!

The cravings are tough for me too, today. Your "scientist" approach is interesting... I will have to give that a try!

Some guys here are militant about "no MO", but I've found it can be helpful as a "last resort"... if my cravings start to get really out of control.

I've posted a few times in the journal section and each time clicked on 'new topic'.  Is that the best way to do it?

The recommendation is to reply to your old journal thread rather than to create a new topic. That way, all of your journal entries stay together, and it's easier for people to go back and read through them.

I find it helpful to "bookmark" my journal thread so I can return to it easily, and then click reply at the bottom.

 

[Will500]

Hi everybody - and thanks Crazygopher for the useful tip on creating a journal.  I'd also like to say to you I think the saying 'more than one way to skin a cat' is useful when dealing with any addiction.  If I have come across at least two 'only ways to beat p' and several other ways which seem to have worked for people without claiming to be the only way.  That seems to suggest that questions like whether M or O are O.K. might depend on the individual. 


I think for me, I was addicted to fantasy before I was addicted to P.  Of course the fact that I found my dad's magazine collection as a teenager - and let's say some of the content was a little darker than the average newsagent mag, and fitted my own fantasies didn't do any harm to my burgeoning addiction either.  And then the internet hit, and it led to sessions going on for hours at all times of day and night in all sorts of places.  After a few years I felt I'd lost any ability to set a boundary with it.  Sometimes I have been so close to losing my mind....Because of all of this, and because I feel my addiction started with fantasy, M, O and P all seem to be tied in one big bundle for me - often when I am having sex with a real woman, I am fantasizing about acting out some P scenario with them.  So I think a period away from any PMO is a good way of trying to reboot all of that.... 

My journey has had it's ups and downs since then.  I found 12 step groups helpful, but working the steps never stopped me completely looking at P - it slowed me down at times though.  Right now I am feeling more optimistic than I have in years because I am feeling really motivated.  I really don't want to be a 40 year old P addict (My birthday's in June).  I think I've been really lucky to get this far with career and reputation intact.  After watching P almost every night in January I finally have 4 days clear.  I'm determined to keep going.  And I've had a good day.  I struggle with cravings on public transport (too much time for the mind to wander, and I find it difficult not to be triggered by pretty fellow travellers), but otherwise have mostly felt calm, clear and positive today.

A final thought I'll leave with - I've been concentrating on staying positive and committed to leaving porn behind.  But I've also known that in the shadows of my mind lurks doubt that I can do it, as I've been struggling so long.  In therapy last night I realised that I could embrace the doubt with the positivity; say to myself, 'sure, you feel doubtful.  Pretty understandable after so many years of looking at P and not managing to stop; of course you doubt you can do it now.  But you know, you really can.  Other people have.  And this time you're ready'.  It seems really helpful and comforting.  Maybe that strategy will be useful to someone else too...

Wishing you all the best,

Will.

 

[pinkerton]

Hey Will, hope you're having a good clean day today.  I talked about my anger in response to you over on my journal, basically you've helped me to realize that I can and probably should take a more proactive approach to negative moods and feelings.  I believe that we really choose how we want to feel anyway.
Definitely with you on the fear of relapse, I like the idea of accepting it with confidence.  Makes it seem less inevitable and more like a danger that we can prepare for and fight or avoid as needed. Thank you. Good luck

 

[roadtorecovery]

Hope all is well. Congratulations on nearly completing your "lucky seven" milestone.

 

[Will500]

So, got to seven days PMO free today.  I do feel proud of that, but am not having an easy time.  Think the main thing right now is to hang on in there...

I think my sex drive is coming back, and of course, the addicted part of my brain is saying, 'feeling horny?  Well, step right up, I have the answer right here on this new-fangled  high speed internet thing...'  I have been very tempted, and  have typed things into the google search bar which I have managed to delete before I searched for.  It has been a close run thing, but for now, the old frontal cortex just about has the upper hand over the limbic system!  I was listening to a YBOP radio broadcast the other day which talked about focusing on other things when thoughts about P cropped up.  That has been helping, although tricky to execute as I've had to struggle through a brain fog to get there.  You know, 'Porn, must watch...think something else...who?...eh...what?...(long brain silence) ah I know'  But I am still PMO free.  I'm going to set another counter for 2 weeks time, as seeing that little green line march upwards does seem to help my motivation.

Another thing I need to fix (and will do tomorrow - it's bedtime now) is this social networking site I am on.  I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't even think about dating for the next few months, as it is likely to be triggering and make things complicated and messy in all kinds of ways.  This site I'm talking about let's people connect through music - you can post tunes, which is cool and connect with others with similar tastes.  But there is an option to use it as a dating site, and to be honest, I can start to get rather mesmerised by the pictures of pretty girls the site sends to my email inbox every few days.  I have come to the conclusion that  I need to stop this happening, so I am going to cancel my sign up to the dating part of the site.

Well, that's all folks.  Tricky day, but hey, I'm still keepin' on keepin on' and I know it won't be difficult forever.

Good wishes to all of you,

Will.

 

[Will500]

So...I made it to my seven days and then slipped up.  I think it's worth taking a  look at what happened.

I think there were two triggers.  Firstly, my sex drive was coming back, making P alot more tempting.  Secondly, I ended up in a slightly maudlin mood last night.  I saw this girl who I had considered dating at one point.  I decided that I did not want to go out with her, but somehow hanging out made me feel a bit lonely not being in a relationship.  We also saw a rather intense film, which left me with some anxious feelings.  I ended up giving in to the urge to PMO because of all the feelings of loneliness and anxiety.  I wanted an escape.

I have also wondered whether setting a seven day abstinence target and achieving it was a bit of a trigger - but if so, I don't actually think it's a major one.

Having said all of that, there are some positives to take from what happened.  And I think it's important to note them, to keep myself from wallowing in shame, which I know only makes things worse.  I did manage a week of no PMO - the longest time I've had since mid-december.  Also, I only looked at P for 20 minutes, and did not look at material as extreme as usual.  It was a bit of a setback, but I don't feel I am back in the same dark mental space as I was a week ago.

I think I also did well resisting the cravings this morning - and was able to laugh at myself in a really healthy way.  I was thinking, 'I've already PMO'd once, so why not have one more go before 'fessing up on the forum.  Kind of, two for the price of one, so to speak'.  I did a bit of exercise to lessen the intensity of the cravings and then realised how crazy this thinking was.  If I'd have gone with it, I could easily have wasted the whole day looking at P.  I would also be right back to square one in terms of the hold my addictive urges have over me.  Rather than the two for the price of one bargain, I thought, it's more like a guy shooting himself in the kneecap and then thinking, 'well, I've done one kneecap and need to go to hospital.  I might as well blow the other one off, then I'll get them both fixed'.  Maybe not such a great 2 for 1 bargain then!  ;D  I have reset my counter for my next target.  Two weeks with no PMO - I am determined to get there.

Just before I sign off, one last thing I need to say.  I really need to use distraction, refocusing my mind on other things when sexual thoughts come up.  I know this, but wasn't doing it all the time yesterday.  Before I PMO'd I had been putting search terms into google and then deleting them before I searched.  Kind of tempting fate.  I really need to commit to not doing that, and staying focused on distracting myself.  If I start to move towards P, I end up in a sort of addictive trance that it can quickly get near impossible to pull myself out of.

Anyway, over and out, messages of encouagement and support greatly appreciated.

Will.

 

[roadtorecovery]

Hey there Will, just looking through your journal, quite a read there, that it is. First off good job on reaching seven days! Was going to ask what was the next goal you've set, but I see on your automatic counter your next step is to go 21 days. As for your slip up, try not to beat yourself too much about it, after all to err is only human. So long as you pick yourself and try again, after all you had the resolve to not fall further into your relapse, so that has to count for something.  ;D ;D

So good luck and keep fighting keep us posted with your journal

 

[Bagpuss]

Hey will, good journal. It sounds like you're moving towards the right mental state to take control. The mind games we go through to justify our actions resonate with me (and others I'm sure). I understand it's very rare to just quit cold turkey without relapsing, so you're not on your own there and many that have had long term success with quitting relapsed many times before getting to that point.

Stay resilient, keep the positive trend going and keep the benefits of being free of a negative addiction front and centre.

Keep going  :

 

[Will500]

Thanks Road to recovery and Bagpuss for your encouraging words.  I am feeling proud to have got through today with no P.  Spent most of the afternoon online getting chores done, and was occasionally quite triggered.  But I worked on just concentrating on doing the chores.  Sometimes a really big urge to look at P came up, but I took a deep breath, waited for the fuzzy-headedness that always seems to be there when I try to resist to dissove a bit and refocused on the chores.  Feels like freedom to know that I can go online safely even if it takes a bit of self-discipline.  Feel like I've given my frontal cortex a good workout resisting those limbic system urges.  If I carry on like this that frontal cortex guy is going to be ripped!  ;D

Road to recovery - as you haven't written in your journal for a whle, I guess you're still working hard and doing great wih this stuff.

Loads of good wishes to y'all,

Will.

 

[Will500]

Hi everybody.  Think today I am finding myself more in touch with feelings that usually have me reaching for P.  I have been feeling anxious; dreampt I was being chased by a murderer last night, and woke up afraid the Babadook was in my house! (If you haven't seen it, it's a great film - if you like horror!).  I was able to convince myself that given the Babadook is a fictional character it was, on the whole, unlikely that he was about to kill me.

Today I have been feeing very anxious and excited at work.  I think I PMO sometimes when I feel really ungrounded like I have today.  Like it's impossible to relax.  I had a good therapy session though and chilled out this evening.  Been singing Orange Blossom special - want to work out the (pretty simple - but I am muically inept) solo in the Jonny Cash version.  Anyway, I have been triggered quite a lot, as I want to get rid of those pesky feelings, but I've hung on in there.  Time for bath and bed I think.  Need to keep remembering to focus on something else when thought of P comes along....

All the best,

Will.

 

[pat]

Do the best you can to hold on! Anxiety can be a tough one. Thinking of it, I used to find comfort in porn when feeling more anxious. And it's worst after... Maybe a good way to handle it is to take a few seconds to remember the added confidence and well being when not PMOing. Deep breath.

 

[pinkerton]

I think I've used PMO for anxiety, and depression, and anger and happiness and hunger... feelings in general seem to be a problem for me?  keep coming back. Good luck with orange blossom special.  Great song.

 

[roadtorecovery]

Hi everybody.  Think today I am finding myself more in touch with feelings that usually have me reaching for P.  I have been feeling anxious; dreampt I was being chased by a murderer last night, and woke up afraid the Babadook was in my house! (If you haven't seen it, it's a great film - if you like horror!).  I was able to convince myself that given the Babadook is a fictional character it was, on the whole, unlikely that he was about to kill me.

Today I have been feeing very anxious and excited at work.  I think I PMO sometimes when I feel really ungrounded like I have today.  Like it's impossible to relax.  I had a good therapy session though and chilled out this evening.  Been singing Orange Blossom special - want to work out the (pretty simple - but I am muically inept) solo in the Jonny Cash version.  Anyway, I have been triggered quite a lot, as I want to get rid of those pesky feelings, but I've hung on in there.  Time for bath and bed I think.  Need to keep remembering to focus on something else when thought of P comes along....

All the best,

Will.

Yeah I've been through anxiety too, more of the "I wish this time will fly by quickly so I can return to normal or something close to it" But so far you seem to be finding peace with your inner self (few struggles aside) to fight this thing. And on a completely unrelated note, what the hell is a Babadook?? It sounds like some caribbean voodoo superstition.

 

[Will500]

Hi all,

Thanks for all your responses, those who have responded to me....It really helps to have your support.

I've been feeling less anxious the last couple of days, although I have been insanely busy and feel a need to catch my breath.  Long hot bath and some decent telly tonight I think.  Went to  my choir last night which was really great - I would really recommend it to rebooters if singing appeals.  You have to concentrate to sing well, (so not much space to think about P) it is joyful and a very social experience too to be in a choir.

One great thing that has changed in the last couple of days is that - and I'm not sure how to put this politely - I'm not getting wood so easily if my mind drifts to sexual fantasies.  I don't know if this is the beginning of a flatline period, but whatever, it feels like a blessed relief.  It is much less easy to be triggered, whatever I'm feeling. 

Oh, and Road to Recovery, I think you asked about the Babadook.  As far as I know, it is not part of any mythological system, but was invented by an Australian fim maker for a horror film.  As I said, if you like horror, check it out.  But beware bad dreams....

I will just say that I think the Babadook is interesting from the point of view of P addiction.  I mean having this addiction feels a little like being chased by a ferocious demon.  And interestingly, without giving to much of a spoiler the Babadook isn't killed in the end.  That's a bit like addiction too - some of us will always have the brain circuitry to set it going again (I was re-addicted within a few weeks after I had actually managed to give up for a few years - that was ten years ago now), but we can find a way to render it harmless which is sort of what happens to the Babadook.

Anyway, keep on keepin' on,

Will.

 

[Will500]

Sheesh, difficult day.  My stress levels are high - just being busy I think, and anxious about what I have to do.  Strangely, I still don't feel particularly aroused at the thought of it, but I'm really tempted to use P as an escape.  So I came here to talk to you guys instead....seems to have worked as the urges are lessening.

The week since my last PMO has flown by - makes me feel the three week goal is really doable.

All the best,

Will.

 

[pinkerton]

Hi will, glad you came here instead of using. If I spent as much time on here as I did on P sites I wouldn't have anything to worry about? good luck

 

[roadtorecovery]

You came to the right place. After all, that's what this community is here for. On days like that you have to be especially on your guard because it is easier to slip when you are not psychologically 100%, but I guess you probably know that. Lemme tell you a little story, while browsing through a drug store, i saw a rather suggestive image of one of my favourite p-stars  : on a male enhancement product and it brought back memories............. and a sudden urge to look up some of her videos, but thankfully I have not given in the desire to do so. So what I'm saying is when giving up bad habits (especially ones that feed a dopamine rush) the temptation to backtrack will always be there, so you've probably heard this a million times, you're not alone with your struggles.

 

[Will500]

Thank you guys - support very much appreciated!

Unfortunately I PMO'd last night.  It felt worse than the one a week before, because I did it for 3 and a half hours.  I think that what truggered it was having loads of free time in the evening, and feeling anxious about that.  I also think that a week is a tricky time for  me - after a week with no O I start to want P badly.  I know if I hold on a bit longer it passes.

On the plus side - I'm still in a better place with all of this than I was a few weeks ago.  I feel clearer, and overall there is more motivation not to look at P. 

I think that given free time was an issue, and I am free again tonight, I should make a plan so here it is.

7:30 - 8:00 dinner
8:00 - 9:00 piano and singing practice.
9-9:30 bath
9:30 - rescue laundry from machine and go to bed (last night's bedtime was 3:30.  Had to leave house 9 a.m. in the morning...)

Hope you're all doing well,

Will.

 

[roadtorecovery]

You must feel bad about that, and I know you must feel disappointed but don't beat up yourself too much. Its in the past. When I first discovered this site the administrator (Gabe was it) had mentioned something about putting a P blocker on you computer? Do you think it might help you? I know you having access to the codes for a P blocker kinda looks like its defeating the purpose but its one more defense mechanism to make it that much harder when the temptation for P arrives. Like you mentioned your in a better place so at least be thankful that your relapse has made you a better person.

Peace out R2R