Will's journal

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Will500

Member
Damn....spent most of last week PMO'ing  in the evening.  Was alo crazily busy during the day....didn't give me much time to think and get a grip.  But think I have now.  Don't really know what I want to say.  Feel ashamed (although I know that doesn't help). Also feel bad as want to stay away from P to show others it can be done  - feel like I've let people in this community down.  I was so depressed in my therapy session tonight. Don't think I actually will jump off a tall building - although the idea did occur.  It is just an idea though...  I do feel trapped.  Think I need to be very gentle with myself in the next few days - and spend time connecting with others.  I spent most of the weekend looking at P, and feel like I have fallen out of the world if that makes any sense.  I went out to see some music on Sunday night and almost cried at the beauty compared to the ugliness of how I spent the rest of my weekend.

Ugh.  Anyway that will do for now.  I'm back at least and will post more tommorow.
 
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pinkerton

Well-Known Member
Hey Will glad you're back. Totally know what you mean about feeling like you let people down. I had a good streak going and threw it out the window about a week ago. But that's why we're all here anyway :) keep coming back.
 
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Will500

Member
Hi Pinkerton,

Thanks for the encouraging words.  Feel lousy today.  Actually had heart palpitations for 5 hours!  Think it's withdrawal.  Anyway, still P fe and still going...
 
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roadtorecovery

Member
Hey Will, glad you're back, long time since I've heard from you. Sorry to hear you're feeling lousy as a result of your relapse. I know you feel bad but no matter how many times you stumble and fall, always pick yourself up and become stronger than you were previously. Its the only way you (or anyone on this site) can hope to beat (no pun intended  ;) ;)) this thing.
 
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Will500

Member
Hi all,

and thanks for your encouragement, Road to Recovery.  I am doing o.k. - and despite feeling a bit triggered by my own thoughts this morning, I am generally finding it fairly easy to stay away from P at the moment.  I am aware that I am probably in a bit of a lull after my 'adventures' last weekend - I have felt physically exhausted all week, and people have been commenting that I don't look well.  I feel like it has taken me the whole week to recover my energy - and I am still only about 80% there!

I know I am going to be safe this weekend as I am going on retreat.  This will also mean I won't be able to post here till Sunday or Monday; but I wanted people to know that I am in a good, nourishing and safe place for me, rather than the one I was in last weekend!  Speak to y'all soon.

Will.
 
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roadtorecovery

Member
Happy 'treating'. That's perfect!. There's the opportunity to reflect upon yourself, what you did wrong, what you could do better. Nothing like an old retreat to recharge physically, mentally and spiritually.
 
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Will500

Member
Still doing O.K. - although have looked at a few things on you tube I shouldn't today  and on Friday. Left the site quickly though.  Think I also need to avoid video games on the internet as I can trance out to those in a similar way I did to porn.  They are not as damaging, but I wasted a few hours today....anyway, onwards and upwards, and acknowledging the things I have done that haven't been so great should help me avoid them in the future...
 
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Will500

Member
I was sure I posted on here since getting back from retreat; but maybe not.  Still keeping it together and no PMO.  Have been very triggered at times, but doing o.k.
 
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Will500

Member
Not sure the entries I'm making to this journal are being added..see if this works, if not, I'll start another one...
 
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Will500

Member
Hi Road to recovery and all,

Did start another journal. I didn't realise journals had more than one page! Duh.

Now I've realised, I will keep on updating this one and also be able to follow other journals that I used to think were malfunctioning!
I don't seem to be getting much time away from PMO at the moment, and I'm not sure what to do about it.  I feel like I've got lots of tools - I meditate daily, have lots of nice things I can do to distract myself from P and have read others advice on this forum.  I also know I can use these tools successfully.  Yesterday I was getting urges that felt like waves of electricity surging through my mind and body, but I was able to tell myself they are just urges - very uncomfortable, but no more than that. I was able to get on with tidying my room (which I actually enjoy, believe it or not!) and had a few good chats with my flatmate.  Then I gave in and PMO'd.  I did it twice, and the second time was particularly bad as it was 1:30 - 6:00 in the morning.

As I say I feel like I have all the tools and know how to use them skillfully.  But I guess sometimes I don't want to enough.  And I don't know what to do about that.  I also know that I can't give up trying to quit however.  If I do, I just disappear into pornsville, and let everything else in my life slip away.  I want friendships, to build a business, and maybe a family (although I am a little less sure about that)... So I need to keep trying.  But it's damn frustrating that I keep on falling down.

Anyway, I have put a quote from a poem as a background on my work computer to help remind me of what's important.

Here's the full poem:

The Summer Day

Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

It's the last 2 lines I like.  The question what do you plan to do with your life could come across as judgemental, but the addition of 'wild and precious' makes it feel  like it's asked from a caring place.  And life is wild and precious.  I don't want to spend it on my own, staring at a screen, in a fantasy land.  I want to live a life that is full-hearted and vigorous.  Hopefully I can keep that in focus.  And I wish all you precious people lives of wild joy!

all the best,

Will.
 
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Will500

Member
Struggled with urges last night, but resisted.  Good therapy session this evening.  Still feeling a little lost in knowing how I am going to get completely free of this addiction, but I am doing ok today.  I am going to cut out drinking at home though, as I feel a couple of times when I've slipped its been after having a few cans in front of the telly on a saturday night.  I don't feel my drinkings a problem in itself, but it does rather loosen the old inhibitions.  Also I am going to make sure I leave all my phones in the lounge at night - bed times are really triggering for me, and my work phone was in my bedroom one night and that was the final straw.

Keep on keepin' on y'all,

Will.
 
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Will500

Member
Had a slip a couple of days ago.  Getting back on the horse.  So tired.  In need of encouragement.  But keeping on focusing on the positive as best I can...
 
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Will500

Member
Thanks for our support, guys.  It makes a difference to know people are out there......PMO'd again last night.  I seem to go through these times  when I just can't give enough of sh*t to stop myself.  It's left me feeing exhausted though - and I think it's really affecting the way I relate to others.  Can't explain it exactly, but I think I'm carrying such a weight of desperate emotions it's making all my communication a bit strained and weird.  I'm also just generally a bit zoned out.  Oh well, despite being a little triggered, I have stayed free of P today.  And I'm about to get an early night.  If I can get off to an early start tomorrow...well tomorrow is another day.  I really want to get my life back....
 
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fightforlife

Guest
That is normal. I have had many reboot attempts before registering to this forum.
When I relapsed, I usually PMO?d like 3 days in a row before finally being able to start another run.
I had to feel really disgusted of myself in order to be able to start over.

Now when I am about to relapse, I just think about the dopamine. I tell myself that it is not my sex drive, but my dopamine addicted brain causing me to desire this sick material. It makes it a bit easier for me, maybe it?ll work for you, too.
I think of my brain like a dirty lung from smoking over years. If you quit smoking and stay clean long enough, they will clean up themselves over time. As a smoker?s lung, my brain will also heal if I stay away from P.
 
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roadtorecovery

Member
Hey Will,

Maybe you should try getting a p-blocker for your computer? I know nothing in life is 100% fool proof, but a p-blocker might make it that more difficult to access p. In one of your earlier post you mentioned something of a therapy session. Is this with people with similar afflictions to you? I mean this website is good and all, and it has its place, but maybe sometimes you might just need that 'bonding' time with 'actual live' people. Just my suggestion.

Peace out my friend and keep fighting, its only over until you say its over.

R2R
 
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Will500

Member
Hi Road2recovery - thanks for your suggestions.

I have tried P-blockers before.  I don't find they help that much.  I always find I can access some stuff, and I end up spending longer looking at it because it does not turn me on as much.  Also I fantasize more intensely when watching P than without the blocker.  The other thing is that I used to watch P at work - fortunately, I have been able to stop that over the last few years - the only exception being a few months when I did not have internet access at home.  If I am going to be battling this demon, I'd rather do it at home than work.

My therapist isn't an expert on P addiction but we do talk about it (alot!).  That helps.  In the past - until quite recently in fact, I attended 12 step recovery groups and also SMART meetings.  So I've had quite a bit of help! I've slowed down (I know it doesn't look like it at the moment!  :)  ), but not stopped. I can't help but come to the conclusion that I'll stop when I'm really, really ready.  I think that could be soon - maybe today even!  I feel very down about the prospect of still being a P addict when I hit 40 in a few months time. And the consequences to my health are getting worse.  Nothing too serious, but I sometimes have heart palpitations after all night P binges (not painful - but not good...and I wonder how bad that symptom will be in another 5 years).

One thing your comment does remind me is that I have a few friends from recovery groups who I haven't been in touch with for a while - staying in touch with them is helpful.  I'll try and give one of them a ring tomorrow or Wednesday at the latest.

Hope you - and anyone else reading this - are doing great,

Will.
 
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