My Superman!

[Steam rolled]

So as some may have read the topic Flattened that WAS a 2 page rant about how angry i was with my husbands PMO addiction and the betrayal & pain
he had caused in our relationship for 2 years!
We'll i deleted it because that day i gave up!!
though he had stopped and was over hurting himself i couldn't live with the fact i was so blind and stupid to it all!
including ED pills behind my back due to to much PMO he then developed PIED...SMH!
But he then convinced me he was sorry sorry sorry and read threw all the information provided by Gabe , Gary and here and the light came on reallll fast!
The problem was solved !!!!!!! DONE.

Soooooo anyways - 8 months later he is doing great and so are we, through all the typical shit that Porn does to a man we survived it and became even more in love and much stronger!

But here is where the thread title comes in " SUPERMAN- How can my  ordinary guy who is surrounded by men all day with there stupid phones just DROP IT COLD TURKEY for 8 months and not look back?
How can my husband just drop drinking cold turkey just like that ??
How can my man not smoke ( pot) anymore just like that ?

How, how how ........................when he was told this is the LAST time i will NOT tolerate this in my life, and that I don't want that in my life if you want it in your life you will have to move on to someone else that will except the fact you would rather be alone with yourself and use them as left overs !!!
Left overs you may say its not like that ............O YES IT IS !!!!!!! Think about it and think hard !!!!
WE GET WHATS LEFT OVER !!!

Then He/we suffered threw the flat lines and giving into temptation wasn't a option for him, having his penis back in action with a actual human being who loves him was!!

If he wanted to live on pills to keep a erection due to porn use, well share that drug induced erection with someone else!!
But please make sure that person is aware of the pill use in case you drop dead from those pills at least everyone will know why.

So he realized immediately he would lose his BEST FRIEND this time over something that will NEVER satisfy him/you completely PORN!!
P- don't cook for you.
P- don't do your laundry.
P- is not there for you when you are sick.
P- doesn't hug & kiss you.
P- don't love you.
Hell you don't even know there real name.
They are in reality girls/guys you wouldn't give the time of day to in real life or wouldn't want to be the mother of your child!

So without hesitation superman appeared and took over HIS life, stopped letting pixels on a screen rule it !!!

I have spent 8 months doing everything i can to educate him and even others and i will NOT be taken advantage of again!
I stand by my man 100% but he is a addict and can not have that shit in his life or he wont have me, end of story!!

My goal now is to try and get my head on right ( as it still isn't ) and stay positive.
threw all this we have grown TOGETHER to love and experiment more with ourselves and feelings, we have grown closer!
And that DOES NOT HAPPEN ALONE !!!
As has been proven to be a fact !!!

ADVISE on how my husband got out of the trap  HE JUST SAID NO MORE, DONE!!! and everything he was doing that contributed to it. Cold turkey!!!
He has also said loud and clear PORN IS WHAT F ED ME UP AND I HATE IT !!!!!



You to can be a SUPERMAN!!  8)

So i will continue trying to better myself & shield my man from pain and if anyone gets in my way i pity the fool !!
And he will continue to stand by me/ us and help repair the pain that has been caused, I with out a doubt believe him and just hope it continues forever! 

Good luck 

Ill be back

 

[Steam rolled]

Well i really upset my husband yesterday evening
And i really didnt mean to.

While i was driving home and for the first time in 8 months he was home before me and i wasnt there and most men knows what would happen when the wife wasnt home :'(

For the whole ride home  i thought of nothing but the deliciousness i picked up at the bakery for after dinner.
BUT then i turned on our main road a long road and BAMMMM thiughts started racing, heart pounding....wanting to turn around and hit the freeway, stopping myslef , getting very very dizzy & and hot !!!!
Then i pull up ready to just throw up in the yard so he didnt know as i was holding it in
AND bammm there he is opening the passenger door to grab things ....I had no choice but to run in the house and throw up
He felt confused and wondered WHY as i was just fine when i was with him earlier all day.
I treid to i guess lie or cover it up , but only for his best interest not mine, and but he knew, best friends know these things !!!
So i had to explain to him HE doesnt make me sick , IT made me sick!!
He just kept begging me to let it go , its all over with now and was upset!!!!

But how do i stop my thoughts from Attacking me without taking medicine?? Ive tried and tried and it just attacks me out of no where !!!!!
I was so sorry and later after dinner cuddled with him and then

Hes doing everything he can to be the real man he should be for us !!!
It just wont go away but wish it would, it attacks out of nowhere
Fuck you porn !!!!!
Thanks for listening!

Have a great valentines weekend with the one who loves you !!!!

 

[jay2005]

Thanks for sharing this and showing the other side of the story we sometimes don't see or hear about - but I can say, as many others might attest, that it's an embarrassing issue that we know is not your fault. That's great that he was able to give it up and I hope he's been noticing the positive effects (and I hope you've been noticing the positive effects as well - that's always something us guys might like to hear - that it gets better!).

Might I suggest that each time you get that anxiety and worry about him relapsing, you two have a "safe" place to go to or a shared activity you do each time as a reminder that things are okay. Maybe it's going to the park together, maybe it's playing a game of checkers together, maybe it's watching an episode of your favorite tv show...something like that.

Be well and enjoy your weekend.

 

[Steam rolled]

Thank you Jay glad i could be of some help to others as i feel they do need to know!
And we played some backgammon this weekend

When i deleted my last thread my husband was shocked i did it.
He also said the same, men need to know how it feels for you.
But O well , i let me feelings over ride me!

Im know im not the only woman who feels lost,empty,in a daze, less of a woman and soooo on!
And some woman will just ball it up inside and in some cases i have heard silently things continue to fall apart, kinda like what porn did to the realtionship to begin with KILL IT !!!

This is also embarrising for woman.
how do we share with others that our SO chose porn over us , though that may not be that exact way , but thats the way some other woman may see it ( we are lame )only beacuse a lot dont understand or want to beleieve it so its hard to talk to anyone about it, so in return we have to pay someone to listen to us ( therepist) and for what a whopping 1 hour a week or take the chance of being embarressed and embarrising our SO even more than you already are. Thats not a option!

I will admit i personally still take his actions as a personal attack, even though i understand the addiction part.....there is NO WAY he didnt know this was the wrong thing to be doing to his faithful trusting attractive, sexual wife And im still trying to deal with this!

Also trying to deal with the random flatlines due to anxiety at this point.
Sometimes its easier than others to deal with and help us threw it.
but that depends on how much lack or sleep or nightmares that ive developed in the past 8 months of my life i have had !!

Speaking of lack of sleep thanks to porn keeping my husband up at night he is addicted to sleeping medicine and he would like to stop it , but thats NOT easy !!! And so far hasnt been able.

I do let him know hes a better person ! How can i not.
He went from a irratable person to
calm
Funny
Happy
Sweet
Helpful
Romantic
Cuddler
And our sex life is MUCH better, men become LAZY lovers with porn...the truth is real sex SUCKS with a addict!!!
also PMO shrinks your penis !!! Its the oppiste of what they lead you to beleive and i  can say its a FACT in our case FACT!!

I will end " for now" with this , my husband always tells himself -IM A BETTER PERSON !!!
If that works for him try it it might help you!!

He used to say IM NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE !!! That i wouldnt recommed aloud as it just reminded me that i was livivng with another person i thoight i knew but in reality I DID NOT KNOW!
It creeped me out , raged me and so on.

So i wouldnt recomend that wording at least out loud, but i can see it being helpful to say to yourself, beacuse i surely wouldnt want to be TRAPPED!

 

[Gracie]

I posted this a while ago in Porn Addiction.  Steamrolled you are right, it does screw with us.  My husband and I had the talk the other night about how I had no one to talk to during the last three years about this.  It does mess up how we feel about ourselves, I think more so when we are married.  I think it is hard for men to acknowledge the emotional pain that exists for us as a result of porn use.  I stay here posting to be a reminder person for men.  I want them to understand it is not a matter of their healing it is a matter of relationship healing. 

I keep seeing men tell women it is not about us.  I sat and thought about that statement.  It seems it is meant to get us on some kind of road to recovery.  Such a simple statement.

And yet here is the conundrum, porn is not about us, BUT  Once our husband gets into porn he talks to us less, he compliments us less, he makes comments about our appearance, he goes to bed at a different time, he doesn't talk to the kids, we don't just have fun anymore, we don't have those spontaneous fun sex moments anymore, we see him ogling other women, he doesn't hug us often, kisses even less, is secretive, is furtive, is grumpy.  How can we not feel it is us?

He does not want to be around us anymore.  When we ask what is wrong, we are told NOTHING.  But we feel everything is wrong.  Then all of a sudden BAM.  I'm sorry honey its porn.  I have been MOing to all these young gorgeous girls the whole time I have been ignoring you and our entire life.  But hey its not you.  Just forgive me it is an addiction.  Suck it up, quit crying and I will stop.  Oh yeah, that makes us feel good.

It does not.  It makes us feel like shit.  It takes a long time to get past that.  And in order to work through it, and wrap our brain around the lies, we have huge pain.  I wish I could describe the physical knife stabbing pain that was there in the beginning, the heart palpitations, the shallow breathing, the hyper-vigilance, the sense of loss, the feeling of no direction and the feeling of being so alone that we feel.

It can be worked through but only together and with each partner validating what is being said.  But I can tell you, I will never be the same.  There is a scarred wound from the hurt that came into our marriage.  And it can only heal from the inside out.  Porn significantly harms the marriage attachment.

 

[Flora]

I couldn't have said it better. I totally agree.

 

[notgivinup]

Wow, Gracie.

I ventured into this forum...with a bit of fear and trembling, as they say.

I know my wife has been through all this...pretty much like what you described. But, you said it really well. I'm sorry.

It pretty much sucks all around in pretty much every way.

PMO is a thief and a thug on all fronts to everyone involved....but especially to the innocent bystanders.

I'm really glad you wrote...thank you for your honesty here. I'm glad I read what you wrote.

I'm thankful for all the women who are sharing here...it helps keep me connected to the reality of the garbage that I allowed in my life...the garbage that I chose for many years.

Thanks.

PM is NOT an option.

 

[Gracie]

Notgivnup,

Please, don't ever enter with fear and trembling.  And know that we too read some of the man posts with fear sometimes.  So you are not alone!  It was only after my husband and I working on this, and he has been a great person to work with, that I realized and he realized how much was affected by his addiction.  I want you to know that this is not an angry rant.  It is a this is the way it is statement.  Maybe not every wife feels this way, but I think most do.  The reason I wrote this was because every once in awhile it sneaks up on me and I feel just like I did when I first found out.  It used to be a lot and then it has started to not be so often.  We are 3 years in.

I want you to know it is worth everything you put into quitting.  The relationship changes in good ways.  I want to encourage you to listen to your wife, she has no one to talk to but you.  Sometimes you may have to put on your Kevlar vest and take it.  But know, she has never been through this before and she is just trying to make it through the same as you.  We all love our husbands, if we didn't, we would not be here.

Lastly, your welcome.

 

[jkkk]

@Steam rolled and @Gracie:

Thanks for being here and sharing all that with us, guys.

I must admit that PMO has not been a subject of much debate with my wife. It's not a topic with which she comes to me. It's more me talking to her. It may be that she is scared and doesn't want to discuss too much. I guess she might have been thinking and feeling all those things that your write about. But I remember when she told that she felt used by my behaviour when I was acting out, yet before I stopped. And these words sank into me.

 

[Steam rolled]

Thank you very much everyone for your replies!
And Gracie you have really helped me threw some heart aches with your insight on things in these horrific times my mind and heart has
and probably will experience forever!!! I thank you.
I read this thread to my husband and by mid way threw i looked up and he had tears running down his face!
Good I say ..............Because when he was trapped in the PMO, his feelings were MUTE!! Just another side effect of that trash.

But now is the time that we get it together for our men who WANT to get a real life and help them threw it!
As hard as it is at times to help the one who hurt you can be, if you want a long lasting life together things have to be dealt with together, even when some  things may hurt us
we need to know as we need help with something we really cant grasp completely.

Ya no its kind of hard to understand why Other woman can control your sexuality
but yet if we were attracted to other men it would be a major hit to the ego and also a horror!
So we need help also understanding this double standard!

Basically reassurance that our love is more important!!
I will say slowly my Husband has been admitting to the damage it caused him AT the time he was PMOing.....Im good with that , But its been hard kinda waiting 8 months to
hear it...If he needs time thats fine as long as he keeps that shit out of MY/OUR life!

And wow has he changed in so many ways the LOVE that was LOST is now back stronger.
Performance anxiety is our goal we are working on now , trying to get past that, just like the TRAUMA us wives are suffering threw a man losing his erections is also TRAUMA to a man.
Its rough on BOTH !!!!

As i write this all i can think of IS PORN WORTH ALL THAT ??????????? and THAT is just a small portion.

The answer is VERY SIMPLE .........................................................NO!


PS jkkk- I see your counter, you should be very proud of yourself !!!

 

[Steam rolled]

Husband going on 9 months clean and honestly  would be shocked if he ever went back in to the PIT.

So proud of him!!
That he can resist temptaion of other woman and make me first!

Wow that sounds great doesnt it ?? We'll that only depends on what side of the distruction you aRe on!

I have never and will never find a man that will love me as much as him and do anything for me
even when he was pmoing, but i still wonder if that was to just keep me clueless.

You see everything is a DOUBT !!!!
I cant stand it!!!!!

This past week we have delt with sex issues neither knows what the other wants we are both like frozen , and before he got in the P trap that wasnt a problem at all !!! Now it is.
His Flatlines here and there preformance anxiety and then the deep depression of blame on me that im not good enough!!

I /we have done everything i can think of  to make things better, im out of answers. Im giving up!
We have spent our life savings, from remodling, to breast implants , to tons of lingerie( was obsessed ,but have giving up! ) to therepy,
Vacations,new expensive toys.......the heart ache and betrayal just cant be bought !!!!!!!!!
The first few times ( before we new the damage porn causes ) i forgave, this time i just cant!
It went on for to long, it got deeper and he played with that shit at the wrong times and i now know and crushed that he would have to balls to veiw that filth in the middle of a special time we were i thought having together !!! Discusting !!!!

But now Emotionally i cant take much more !!
though i love my best friend and i cry as i type this as of april if things cant be worked out,
basically in my head im sorry but i have to move on 14+ years down the drain , 2 people who love the same things laugh and cry together share every breathing moment together and been threw tough times will be vanished !!! :'(

All beacuse one chose to screw with a precious thing between 2 lovers SEX !!!!! One click of a mouse ruined 2 people who love each other!!!
But one person cant find a way to deal with the betrayal....ME!
My life feels like its over this is the end of my life dieing a lonley girl
NO MORE MEN !!
Im done with MEN forever!!!!
I love men, they are so much fun to be around. I have more men friends than any girls ever.
And friends is what they will remain !!!!
April is the deadline on my sanity!!

I have lost my mind

 

[Gracie]

SR  I am saddened to think that porn has claimed another marriage.  But I totally understand.  It is important that the men listen to what we need.  People talk about the man taking care of himself and his choices and the woman must realize it is not about her and she should take care of herself and her choices.  But where is the plan together?  If each goes in their own direction, at what point do they come together again?  The joining together as this addiction is worked through and walked through is so important.

That is why men must listen.  We are bearing our hearts and our souls when we try to make sense out of the senseless.  We are fighting what to us is an enemy that has no human form.  It is a threat to us and our relationship.  We want to feel secure.  We want to feel safe.  We want to feel our husband is there for us, on our side.  We want to feel as though we are one.  My husband said it well, he loved me but he did not have my back.  Something else had him distracted.  Now he is ashamed he was not there for me when I needed him.  We want to know they would fight for us.  But with porn there they don't.

I hope he can step up, man up and be what he needs to be by the April date.  If he doesn't, he will have lost the best thing he ever has known.

 

[jkkk]

Husband going on 9 months clean and honestly  would be shocked if he ever went back in to the PIT.

So proud of him!!
That he can resist temptaion of other woman and make me first!

Wow that sounds great doesnt it ?? We'll that only depends on what side of the distruction you aRe on!

I have never and will never find a man that will love me as much as him and do anything for me
even when he was pmoing, but i still wonder if that was to just keep me clueless.

You see everything is a DOUBT !!!!
I cant stand it!!!!!

This past week we have delt with sex issues neither knows what the other wants we are both like frozen , and before he got in the P trap that wasnt a problem at all !!! Now it is.
His Flatlines here and there preformance anxiety and then the deep depression of blame on me that im not good enough!!

I /we have done everything i can think of  to make things better, im out of answers. Im giving up!
We have spent our life savings, from remodling, to breast implants , to tons of lingerie( was obsessed ,but have giving up! ) to therepy,
Vacations,new expensive toys.......the heart ache and betrayal just cant be bought !!!!!!!!!
The first few times ( before we new the damage porn causes ) i forgave, this time i just cant!
It went on for to long, it got deeper and he played with that shit at the wrong times and i now know and crushed that he would have to balls to veiw that filth in the middle of a special time we were i thought having together !!! Discusting !!!!

But now Emotionally i cant take much more !!
though i love my best friend and i cry as i type this as of april if things cant be worked out,
basically in my head im sorry but i have to move on 14+ years down the drain , 2 people who love the same things laugh and cry together share every breathing moment together and been threw tough times will be vanished !!! :'(

All beacuse one chose to screw with a precious thing between 2 lovers SEX !!!!! One click of a mouse ruined 2 people who love each other!!!
But one person cant find a way to deal with the betrayal....ME!
My life feels like its over this is the end of my life dieing a lonley girl
NO MORE MEN !!
Im done with MEN forever!!!!
I love men, they are so much fun to be around. I have more men friends than any girls ever.
And friends is what they will remain !!!!
April is the deadline on my sanity!!

I have lost my mind

Hey Steam rolled,

Seems like a lot has been going in your mind.

But, can you tell, what has been going as regards to facts. I don't know if that can help but sometimes separating feelings from facts helps me a lot.

I understand from the thread that your husband stopped PMOing. What happened then? What happened now? Do you know now that he relapsed?

 

[Steam rolled]

No he hasn't relapsed!
The sane part of me believes that wont happen.

He has changed soooo much its incredible what a different man that trash can make a person and the person ( me ) who knew something wasn't right just blamed it on stress from work and such.
Because the man i knew in my world would never hurt me,lie to me,betray me, he was different than anyone else on this planet to me! Yet he did :'(

Something inside of me is broken and i mean it!!!
How much longer can i fight this feeling of worthlessness and seeing we are so close he knows
When iam down and then it effects him.
Its a cycle that just keeps going and i feel if i left he could have a fresh life with someone who isn't so hurt.
I have never seen a grown man cry so hard at the thought of me being gone, so i keep hanging on but as hard as it is i feel i would be doing him a favor in the long run.
Ooo how he disagrees and this will ruin him , im his whole life trust me when i say that!
I feel so bad about this that i cant get over the lies, sneaking ,filth and always wondering if iam missing something , to being paranoid, its endless emotions!!

We have had our problems in the past but never lies ( so i thought) or lack of love or sex!!

I cant get over the lies and he has went above and beyond to prove to me he is sorry, i honestly believe i have a severe case of PTSD.
a year ago if i was told that i would laugh at someone ...but now i just cry when i know its the truth.

Im a strong woman who is not liking this being weak !!! Not one bit !!!

Thanks for caring

 

[jkkk]

Hm.

You really puzzle me there a bit

I'm not even sure if my presence in your thread will help you in any way, but if I am here, I should speak my mind.

Try to shift away from your husband, if you can. Let him do his job. Try to concentrate on yourself. Not yourself in your relationship, but your own self that is this special human being you are and have been since you were born, raised, matured... with whom you have been since ever. He is certainly someone important, as I hear, and I think that's very fine that you think so, but you are an independent person.

Yes, you may have PTSD, and I give myself no right to give diagnosis here, but what may really help you is finding strength and serenity inside yourself, not your relationship. I really don't know how to put you on that path... maybe apart from one idea - one of the books that I read 10 years ago and which started my whole fight with PMO, rebooting and generally striving to become a man was "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge. I will not beat about the bush here, especially as there is nothing to be ashamed of here, it is a piece of Christian literature. It's a fantastic book. I believe it is astonishing. It is about men, but women read it to. Anyway, for you I'd rather recommend the woman version call "Captivating".

I think this book does just one important thing. It offers a perspective on our struggles in life. It offers an explanation, but also lots of understanding. If that doesn't sound like too-awkward recommendation, dig in.

 

[Steam rolled]

Yes your presence is helpful!
And so is Gracie as i follower her around and can relate to what she is saying, but hearing from a man is just as helpful.

But anyways - The books -sounds like i should get both of them.
We have done a lot of reading in the past 9 months and that was really something new to us.
But it has helped!

As for me thinking of myself i have been told that a thousand times and its just not me. Though im sure it would be a good thing , Just dont know where to even begin.
A relationship has been my life.
I had little child hood i had to grow up fast ( age 12) by age 17 i have been in a relationship and im in my mid 40s. This is my 3rd long term relationship, and the only one i felt safe in, so this pain is much deeper this time.
I have been on duty most of my life it feels like.
Its been exhausting!

On a good note it was a gloomy weekend so we spent a lot of down time together it was nice.
I was calm and relaxed, dont know why just was.
We want life to be this way again, hes done all he can and will continue to he says.
So again all on me to " get better "

Which really means get over the fear of being hurt again!
Not sure that i can.

 

[Gracie]

I think what is important to understand here is that it is not just a woman understanding it is not her.  It is that we were with someone we trusted with everything.  We trusted them with our lives, our secrets, our dreams, our disappointments.  For the most part, we had no idea that there was this intrusion into our relationship.  It catches us unaware.  Our husbands have turned to something else rather than us.  That something happens to be naked people engaging in sexual acts.  To most of us that is sacred.  It is something that we consider intimate, for just us and our husband.  And for whatever reason they have watched and watched and watched.  And touched themselves and touched themselves and touched themselves.  And they have purposely chosen this and have purposely chosen to keep it a secret.  And we did not know.

Then when we get told this was all in secret, we know that the secret can happen again and again and we won't know.  Why?  Because it happened once and happened for a long time.  And we do not know if we can go through that incredible pain and damage to our trust again. 

This is it in a nutshell.  And it takes a lot to overcome the lack of trust and our husbands turning to something else.

 

[Steam rolled]

EXACTLY!!!!!!

And then while trying to get trust back you have to try to except & understand how something so secret and that he went above and beyond to hide that obviously meant a lot to him at the time is now GONE and gone forever!!!!!
And now we are enough, just like that.

This isnt our first rodeo with this but before he/we didnt understand the long term brain damage that porn does to a person, so thats the only thing holding me on this long and just hoping for the best, just for how long can i do it ?????!!!?????

I wonder what does he do now when im in the shower? What does he do now when i step out of his site? Does it pass his mind and how does he deal with it ? I can only go by what he has said and that is he dont even think about it anymore, thats a tough one to swallow!
I wish i could believe it.

But i will say one thing im sure of is he hasn't pmo in 9 months on the 28th of this month.
And or even touched himself, he told me hes petrified to MO , he don't want to be in this roller coaster of a flatline ever again!! So it makes since my chances are good he will be a trusting man but my mind wont STFU long enough for me to heal !!

Well off to see my therapist.
Thanks all .....xoxo!

 

[Steam rolled]

Something my SO said awhile back is bothing me

He said i intimidate him and kind of scare him, i asked him in what way??
He explained how people always come to me to get advise and talk to me and how i can talk freely aNd listen and give most times good advise . And that im more out going.
That im more noticed than he is and he felt kind of felt left out.
though he admited it wasnt Anything i did purposly its just how its has always been.

I wonder if maybe i knew this sooner he felt that way if some things could have been prevented?
If maybe he would have came to me but was to scared for some reason or that i had others to turn to but yet to me i really only have him!!!
I told him he should have came to me aBout it and he said he didnt know how to or that it even made sence at the time, but now that he see's things clearer and can actually think without being harrassed by porn he had to share.

Sometimes we get to comfortable in our relationships and miss things, but the only way to adress them is to share them , not hide!
Wether it made sense to you/me or not if it means something to your other its worth addressing.


I do still try and help people and like to have fun and be goofy but he is right by myside and i include him,( though he never seemed to care before ) cause he now does have a lot better look on life than he used to!
its just another thing porn obsession takes away from you!
It makes your feelings numb.
Its like logic disappears.
And fun becomes a lonely thing.

Im sharing this not only for myself , but incase someone else is dealing with this same feelings he did, I'm just not sure if this is any help at all, but this come to light when the whole discovery did.
Thanks.

 

[thewife]

  Hi Steam rolled,
        I want you to know that your willingness to share is helping me. I have been married for nearly 13 years and porn has always been an issue. As I type this I am wondering what the hell am I still doing here? How can we get over this? It sounds like your husband has made a lot of progress and that sounds amazing, but like you said, I worry I will not ever be able to get past it. We have always had this issue and overtime I think the lightbulb has finally come on for him and we can put it in the past, it rears its ugly head again.

        Let me just look on the bright side with you for a moment though, your husband has made very concerted efforts to stand up and be a man and change. Honestly, I have to be honest with myself, my husband is not there yet. SO good for you and him. I really like what some of the others were saying here about focusing on yourself for awhile, not the relationship so much. I mean yes, you need to check in with each other, but I think from what you were saying earlier it sounds like you guys are still having issues with his anxiety in the bedroom. Maybe take it off the table for  awhile, make it not an option at all for either of you so the pressure is off and you guys can focus on other things. I'm considering doing this.
     
        My husband just confessed a week ago, finally after all these years, that he is indeed addicted to porn. I'm still trying to figure out what that means. As I said before, we have been dealing with this problem our whole marriage but until a few years ago it was more of a cat and mouse game where he would find whatever opportunities he could to do it behind my back and I would waste my time trying to find the proof so he couldn't lie about it. In the meantime we would ignore it and every once and awhile sit down and have a heart to heart about how I wasn't trying hard enough to please him, how I needed to work on my appearance so I could look a certain way for him. Paint my nails, maybe get some fake-ones, wear heels. I am a five foot ten blonde, do you have any idea what kind of a spectacle I make when I put on heels? I have had trans-gendered males walk up to me and grab between my legs to check for a package because, yes, I basically look like a drag-queen when I wear heels. I even had a guy tell me that the surgeon did a beautiful job, but I wasn't fooling him. But i've done this for him, for my husband, I don't even own a pair of flats that I can wear with a nice pair of trousers. Ridiculous. That is changing today. I'm getting off this forum and going to buy myself a nice pair of flat shoes I can gain some self-respect in.

        That turned more into my ranting, I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you though that my husband told me too a couple of weeks ago (I just recently discovered him watching porn while I was sleeping after he supposedly got therapy and fixed his problem two years ago) that I scare him. I still don't know what that means. He told me he views me like he used to view his father as a child, a man whom he can barely talk about and who, from my understanding was abusive or at the very least a bully to him. I'm confused, I have tried everything to make him feel safe enough to share with me what it is about the attraction other women pose for him, I've never gotten it. I don't know what to do. I want to be supportive and help him through this (we are back in therapy) but I feel like this is just another one of his stunts at pretending he is going to change long enough to get me to let my guard down again. AGHHH!

          And I know what you mean, I am tired of being this women. This is not me, I am strong. And I am beautiful and I don't need heels to make me look that way. I don't know where we go from here. -thewife