My Superman!

[Steam rolled]

Hello thewife

It sad to know you have been going thew this so long you got to be one hell of a strong woman to still be standing by him , with only knowing what i have read he is one LUCKY GUY !!!!
And he best wake up and relieze that ASAP!
And I highly suggest you go out and buy some comfortable shoes for YOU!

Well trying to make sence of this ive come to find is impossable, how do i make sence out of for instance my young adult sons friends refering to me as a milf ( mother ide like to f ) incase you dont know , and your husband getting boiling mad about it saying he never wants those punks around here again. And for the record my son told me cause he was mad and uncomfortable about it
but then you find out your husband is  veiwing Milfs youde like to F .......how does one make sence of that??? How is THAT ok ?!?!

But i can tell you how i made it STOP!
Get it together or Im leaving You NO MORE !!!
i will not be second or 3rd to that desperate life and used as a snack any longer!
I meant it and mean it!

So it has stopped - the addiction!

So now what we have is a unexpected NEW life that has been turned upside down in a instant.
Life is not the same because trust was destroyed, and MANY other things we used to do is a thing of the past!
In 9 months i have not stepped foot in a vehicle we own beacuse i know that was one of his hiding places and i will NEVER step foot in it again, i honestly wish it would burn!
I hate our home that i used to love beacuse it was a hiding place.
Im bitter one minute and not the next, im on a rollercoaster ride like a addict and i DIDNT ask for this shit!!! It was FORCED on me!!

The first two times he was caught it wasn't as bad because I did not realize the extent of how porn can become such an addiction.
So now it feels  like I'm in a gunfight and the only weapon I have is a toothpick.

But the reason I stop by the site was to share something that Maybe you can also relate to amoung others.

Yesterday was another one of those blank days.
The days when you just feel so lost you don't know where the whole 24 hr day went, I sit and look at my husband Feeling really uncomfortable not knowing what to say just blank!
Shy, ha ha me shy thats funny.....but no it really isnt, beacuse im not a shy person or should i say wasnt ever before!
Even trying to make a simple conversation is difficult.
He feels it he knows it and he asks what's wrong?
As nice as I can say- nothing I try as hard as I can to hide it....... What is " It " I don't know I'm blank!!!
I have never felt this way in my life And really don't know how to deal with it!
I don't want to lose life as how I know it, But Then always in the back of my mind I'm wondering do I really even know?

It's like one minute I feel on top of the world that everything is going to be just fine and then the next minute -steamrolled......Flattened!

 

[thewife]

  Steam rolled,

      I get your name now. Yes, I understand that feeling. I'm sorry you are going through it. You refer to his addiction as "hiding" a lot. That is exactly what I feel my husband uses it for to "hide". From me? his stress? Whatever it is I really don't know. Its hard for me to hear that you are still feeling this way after, 9 months, did you say? Is this his third relapse?
      Also, you talk about your husband like he is doing fine and he has gotten his stuff together, but your still struggling. Is it just that you can't regain the trust you once had? Is it that you are depressed? Or is it that you are afraid nothing will change no matter what you try to do.
      I think for me, I'm at the point (and mind you my husband, as I said before, just admitted his addiction, but has not shared with me anything more than just that. He is addicted, he doesn't understand it, and he asked me to give him time to figure it out. He also asked that of me two years ago, the last time porn became an issue in our marriage) where I can not believe him at all anymore, not at all, not even when he tells me he is working on it. And that really doesn't leave me much of a choice, and I don't know that I'm ready for that choice because I don't want to hurt my children and of course I still love him, but I don't feel I have any other option.
      So, I guess my question for you (the person who is basically me 9 months down the road) is... Is it just too damaged? Are you struggling because you, know matter what he says or does, just can't believe it any more?
       
        Thank you for saying I sound strong. I certainly don't feel that way. You are strong too, I know its tough right now and you are having doubts and you said earlier he'd be better off starting over with someone who is not so hurt, remember he is the one who caused it. He needs to understand you need time to not feel so taken advantage of. If (from what I have read from your earlier posts here) my husband was showing me he was working as hard as what it sounds like yours is, I would feel like there could be hope for our marriage again. Hang in there, and be true to yourself and your feelings. It does sound F-ed up that he would be so upset that someone could view you as a milf, but then go seek out milf's himself on porn sites.
        And that brings me to something that is really bothering me, I know Gabe said in his myth busting video something about admitting to a porn addiction is not a cop out. That is true and I understand it takes a lot to admit its a problem, believe me I have waited 12 years for it, but it does not mean that those who are addicted have not hurt those they should be protecting from hurt the most. And I believe its important for them to recognize this and that does't mean saying sorry once and now can we leave it alone and move on. That means now the addict needs to be patient while those they hurt deal with their own recovery and yes, own that it is your fault whether it had nothing to do with us or not.
        I hope that rings true with you and helps in some way. And others-  thewife

 

[Steam rolled]

TRUST has been broken is the #1 part of my problem the last person on earth i thought would betray me DID!!

SEX- the betrayal and lies were centered around a few minutes of self gratification!! Yeah MINUTES threw out the day every day ....how boring does that sound??!!??
And Then able to look me in the face like nothing happened!!
So now feeling like every part of your body is being judged or compared to.
If you say or do something will it remind him of porn or will he not like the way "I" do it?
Just crazy thoughts!!
Cause i know im better than some lazy ho laying on her back in front of a lens!
Hate to break the news but its for a LENS shes really not enjoying YOU!!

But a loving caring trusting wife is there for YOU!!!!

SNEAKING - taking ceialis pills for 2 years without my knowledge.

USING me as a actual female in the flesh,while fantasying about pixels.

So 9 months later it randomly rings in my head IS THIS WORTH THE CHANCE OF JUST MAYBE HAPPENING AGIAN???

Im literally undecided on that!!

Whats done is done, but what was going on behind my back isnt DONE to me!
If i wouldnt have caught him it would still be going on, that is something else i cant get over!
I wish it would stop, but it wont!

As much as i love him and want to believe now he knows the damage he has done to his man hood isnt worth all that fake for $$ and soul trash !!
but is slowely killing myself with stress and worry good?

IM NOT A FAN OF LIERS AND SNEAKS !!!!!
And i would bet any porn addict would say they dont like liers and sneaks, but yet they are one!
Who would want to be that!

 

[Rockit]

I would just say, some people do not realize what they are doing, when they are an addict. I know trust has been broken for you, but I hope for both of you that time heals those wounds.

It's only been nine months. I wouldn't expect everything to be "fine" in a relationship after that amount of time. Just keep working at it, and hopefully it gets better. As long as you feel it is worth it to try.

I wish you luck!

 

[thewife]

  Steam Rolled,
       
        Everything you say is how I feel. EVERYTHING! There is not one thing that doesn't ring true with me. I don't know the answers. I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to be this person. I especially don't want to be the person who is constantly wondering if I'm being compared to a fantasy, a fantasy I'm not allowed to be apart of. Yes, I've tried that. I hate wondering if I'm saying the wrong thing. I hate walking away to cry. I hate that he doesn't chase me down and tell me he is going to do whatever he can to fix this. He just lets me walk away. Maybe because he knows he's going to have to do more than tell me. He's going to have to show me. I need to see his strength to feel we are going to make it through this. And what I see instead is a coward.
        In response to Rockit. I get that addicts don't always know what they are doing. And that is a choice they make. They choose to hide from their feelings instead of facing them and dealing with them. If you are facing your addiction it is different then being an addict.

      However, Hang in there Steam-rolled it sounds like your husband is not being a coward. It does sound like he is trying to make it better and help you through this, unless I'm wrong. If he hangs in there with you and can show you day in and day out he is committed to being a different person you guys will be able to get it back. Are you also seeking counseling or have you in the past? -thewife

 

[Gracie]

We (the wives) all struggle with this.  We feel inadequate, unworthy, and sit and try to figure out what we did that let it get so out of hand and make our husband feel he needed this added to his life.  Then we want a guarantee it won't happen again so that our rebuilding of trust will be on a solid foundation.  That is because before we thought it was and it melted away like quicksand when we found out the truth.  What do we have to build on then at that point and how can it feel solid?  And it feels like we need to do most of the work because we are with this very disconnected person that answers "I don't know." to our questions.  Big Help!

Then we have to figure out what do we want?  How do we tell them?  Will they allow us to set boundries?  Do they care?  Do they know how bad it hurts?  That is where talk talk talk comes in.  I never really stood up to my husband a lot before this.  I had a yuck childhood and was a people pleaser a lot in my relationship.  But when this happened, I set boundries and said if you can't do this I can't be with you.  I cannot continue to feel the way I do.  I told him what I needed to feel secure.  He complied.  I have walked out on him in a restaurant when he was ogling a woman to the point he did not hear a question.  He said I was being ridiculous I said fine I am done.  Sometimes it was gentler reminders but I called him on everything I saw.  I also talked about him not being willing to share.  He calls me when I get too scared to share.  (the old childhood way). 

We have shared tears, laughs, loud voices, soft loving voices and we still talk about what happened and how close we came to divorce after 30 years of marriage.  And we are still working on it.  But we are closer than we ever have been before even with the hiccups as we work through the porn thing.  There is hope. If you want to ask me something, ask away.  (Please know it is not all holding hands and singing Kumbayah LOL

 

[Steam rolled]

I wish you luck!

Thank you very much and i really hope you reach your goal and stop being controlled!!

As for addicts dont know what they Are doing, yes they do !! If they didnt they wouldnt hide.
There actions  are premeditated....she will be in the shower for 10 minutes, and then its go time, they hold back until the time is right for "them"!!!
So i just like to add , they alone dont have the power to STOP , everything else they know what they are doing and that includes HURTING the ones they love and they know it!!
addicts are selfish!
Maybe not selfish in other ways in there daily life just to there addiction!
CONTROLLED!!!

Thewife - as you can see by Gracie and her powerful words this is not easy to over come no matter what they say or do it takes time and in some cases more than others!!

My husband has done everything he can as he says to help and assure me , and that he has!
Except for as gracie said some I DONT KNOW responses !! Hmmm makes you wonder.
Im proud of him VERY proud!! And i have told him this.

BUT <--- yup BUT again, it seems funny to be PROUD of someone for not gordging in Porn anymore....lol yes it makes me laugh, geee how nice of you not to want to sit in the dark stroking and drooling on yourself while imagining other girls YAY for me!!!!
Proud that hes not longer a animal on the hunt for his next fix of naked people in sex acts
Proud that you no longer objectify woman on a daily basis by staring!
Proud that im no longer leftovers!!

Ide rather be proud of some other accomplishment, but i guess this is all i got right now!!!
Though he/ we have accomplished alot together everything feels like a sham now, What a shame!
And not easy to get over.

BUT - also as Gracie said this garbage has brought us closer in many ways, and our sex life is actually a sex life !!

As some know and some NEED to know and understand immidatly porn makes you a different person.
Men become UGLY ,they shrink and so boring in many ways when they are TRAPPED!!!
He has absolutly changed its all true this shit is bad for a man or girl you become someone you are not !!!
Its just like if you sorround yourself with bad people you become a bad person!!
If you souround yourself with money starving life sucking people you get the life sucked out of you!
Thats what porn is, it hits you where it can GET you And thats your FEELINGS hoping for $$$$.

PLAYERS will swallow you up and spit you out!
But only if you let them

While the people who love you get hurt and chose to dump you and you can belong to "them"
Or love will fight for you and help!!
Im fighting right now but for the LAST TIME!!

I cant understand WHY some have to have sex on there minds 24-7 or they dont feel normal.
Animals in the wild have there next meal on there minds 24-7 thats normal.

Calm down!!!

 

[Faith]

Thank you so much for opening up and saying exactly what I am going through.  I am new to this, hubby told me he has been a porn addict for 17 years 2 weeks ago.  I am having all kinds of feelings about him, our marriage, etc.  He has been addicted to porn for the majority of our marriage.  Which has me asking 'why wasn't I enough?'  'What will sex be like without porn in our marriage?' 'Is the fact that I was unexperienced when we got married the reason he turned to porn?'  I now understand why he was asking me to try things sexually that I didn't feel comfortable with.  He is ready to be intimate with me again, but I still pull away.
I am so glad that my husband shared this Forum with me because you are right, this isn't something that you can go talk to anybody else about.  But, you also can't do it alone.  Alone, that's how I felt for the first week after my husband opened up to me. He is my best friend, but he is the one that betrayed me.  I know our marriage will be fine and we will come through this stronger than ever.  I am a firm believer that if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it.

 

[thewife]

  Hello All,
      This thread has really helped me through my first couple weeks of dealing with my husband admitting porn addiction.

Thank you Steam rolled!!!! You help so much by sharing your feelings and being honest and showing me I am not alone because I relate so well to all you say.

      Gracie, your words were very helpful. Talk, talk, talk its a must! My husband and I came so close this weekend to calling it quits. But we had to get there I think before we could move forward. And FINALLY he opened up and shared with me and FINALLY... I was able to believe him. I'm not sure how that shift happened (my being able to believe him) but it did. I know there is much more work for us to do. But we are in it together, again. He was so sucked into his own feelings at first I didn't think we would make it. It was my saying "That's it, either own the hurt you have caused me through your actions or move out". He came close to moving out. And when we were finally able to talk about it he said it was because he was tired of it being a constant thing with me, I couldn't ever leave it alone, I needed constant reassurance and was sad all the time (I had to remind him it was only constant since I had discovered he was using it again, about 6 weeks ago). We had created this vicious cycle where I wasn't getting the reassurance I needed but he was tired of having to give it which made me even worse. And with both need to get to a place where we were ok at the idea of separating before we could be completely honest with each other. So yes, talk, talk, talk Thanks so very much.

      Faith, I'm right there with you, my husband just admitted it a few weeks ago as well. Although I have known for sometime it is a problem I didn't realize the extent until I found this forum and reboot nation as well as your brain on porn.com
             
        I'm so grateful for this forum to help me through this! -thewife

 

[Gracie]

I am glad you have found help here.  We have all been in one another's shoes.  It helps us all to know that we are not alone.  And no matter how long we have been working on this, there are days it just comes along and baps us in the head and we feel so alone and lost.  That is why we are here on this forum to help one another.

So come and visit, talk, vent or whatever. We are here to listen.

 

[Steam rolled]

Again im really glad i can be of help to others because im sure not much help to myself.
Though this helps in some strange way, actually its all strange!
Why,how did this happen????

But anyways- i have noticed a lot more men coming forward and confessing to there betrayal once they figure out why there man hood has broken down!!l (mine didn't confess )
So then they become scared so who do they run to ...........the one who loves them and the one they truly love and can truly trust to forgive & fix it!
That would be us!
But sorry WE need time to digest this, understand this, make sense of WHY me, what did or didn't I do.
I know it wasn't me deep inside, we cant be 20 images a day, that i also cant understand why they even need that!
Oh thats right theres another high we also cant give!
There is no time limit on our feelings, like porn made theres!!
So we need time to feel like woman again! This is a shock to us!
And its not easy when you know your man has drilled thousands of images into there brains!!!
How do we feel - not enough!
Though we are enough, true love and caring is more than enough it cant be bought!
True love and caring goes great with sex, thats only after you take the trash out of OUR bedroom!
And coming forward is one way to start!!

Though Speaking for myself,i feel like nothing most of the time, just that i exist!
And it sucks!!!

The men are going threw tough times and so are we, not easy when the whole system breaks down!
We the wives who now have to pick up the pieces are dealing with A LOT more emotions than them.
I guarantee it!!


But we love them and feel like we love them even more because we wouldn't play with intimacy like that.
so if the love is true it can be dealt with TOGETHER!!!


The mouse kept going for more & more cheese and finally the trap got it, now the mouse is dead!
MAN UP!

 

[cd3b333]

removed by user

 

[Steam rolled]

Thanks cd you too!!!!


When you are cuddling with the man you love and you get that Feeling inside of love and want building up and it QUICKLY shifts to hurt and sadness!
So you would rather just roll over and bury yourself!!!
thats not the wife i want to be and wasnt  until his habit went full speed in 2012 and the intrusion plowed into our lifes and detroyed it!!

This has been going on and off for 9 months along with his flatlines and i want to repair it but  Ive yet to figure out how to make it stop or change this horrible feeling that now plows into my head uninvited.
Though he has been clean of the filth,my head is not!

Last week we made love 9 times ,this week i cant stand the thought of it.

Remeber next time you have a urge to PMO who & whats more important to you??!!??

 

[Steam rolled]

Life has been going smooth lately.
Got to thinking how ridiculous i have been touturing myself with worry.
If he chose to go back it wouldnt be long at all i would know, he would change again.
so why worry

Also i seen my doctor and he recommeneded medication to help me slow the thoughts down.
And then i get  worried the wife BOLO radar may be to slow and i may get blind sided!
Though my husband assures me hes DONE , but its the  most sneakiest addition and accessable one so it is hard to except that enough to start meds, though i really think i need them but again im not the most important! The man has always been to me.
wish i could change that way of thinking sometimes.

So im undecided on meds!

Isnt that funny that the faithful wife now needs the meds, while the victomizer needs tons of love & affection from the one in pain!
I didnt sign up for this!

 

[Gracie]

SR,
I took meds to get through the ruminating thoughts that sat up camp in my brain and refused to be evicted.  Having a thought or a worry is not a bad thing, but when we go through this ALL the thoughts come in at the same time as ALL the worries do.  Then we are overwhelmed.  Think of it as a big bowl of cooked spaghetti.  It is all there and all tangled up and you can't tell where each one goes.  We go AHHGGGH because it is too much.  The medication allows you to pull out only one strand which is very manageable. 

The medication made a huge difference and I did not feel drugged or out of it.  I actually was not tired anymore from dealing with all the stuff in my brain.  It was exhausting.  Just give it a chance.  If you do not feel right, talk to your Dr.  and find the right one.

Hang in there!  It does get better!

 

[Steam rolled]

Thanks gracie -xoxo

Going to start on the 30th im pretty sure, have somethings going on and cant until then, just hope i can make it threw this thing by keeping that fake smile on longer than normal.

Went to counsiling yesterday and brought along the husband and had a out burst.
How he cant beleive all he has done or should i say hasnt been doing, that i still doubt him.

O really!!! When we have lived all these years as one i trusted him and then find out there are thousands of others in our lives and he's not to be trusted.
its not easy to get over!
I don't know what his flavor is, blonde,brunnette,goats ...
Top secret! i would rather not know, but you wonder.
So obviously 9 months isnt enough, i have been keeping thoughts to myself and i want it to stay that way.
Its driving him crazy when i do not share and it drives him crazy when i do ( truth hurts)
I have said All i have to say believe that! And I'm  done discussing this with him!
Unless he brings it up or needs to talk I'm here.

Off to get my hair done!! Awesome.

 

[mtaha2015]

so much negativity won't solve the issue.
you need to be soft on your husband.

if you will fight and show anger , he might go into more depressive mode.
depression leads to escape, escape first leads to fantasy.
fantasy leads to porn.
and all that stuff again.

you have to be helpful and very polite to your addict partner.

very open and helpful , he could share any thing with you.

no secrets , no hiding.

other wise , it is useless to help , it's better not to help , if you treat him badly with anger.

I know , you are also suffering and you have pain , but some one has to forgive other and move on.
and some one has to help the other one.

 

[mtaha2015]

goats  ;D

I don't think so your husband would be so bad.
he just got trapped sexually.
porn is made to trap victims , he is one of the unfortunate ones.

 

[Gracie]

I wish that you knew the pain that we feel when our partner has viewed porn in the past sometimes for years.  I wish you knew the way marriage is when with a porn addict.  This woman is not being hard on her husband if you read her posts.  She is being hard on herself.  She is wanting to have the trust back he so carelessly destroyed.  She is struggling with who she has become as a result of his addiction.

Holding a man responsible for his actions is not being tough, it is being an adult.  I consider all women here understanding of addiction.  If we weren't we would not still be with the man.  Please please understand our pain.

 

[mtaha2015]

I understand the pain.
but there is difference between, men and women brain.
so , I would just suggest , relax and be cautious with addicts.
pushing hard will lead them to escape.

battle of nerves. for both addict and his/her partner.