My Superman!

[Gracie]

We need to voice our needs to our husbands at this time.  Being in a relationship or marriage during this is very different than reboots or porn use with no long term partner.  We need to tell our husbands what we need to feel secure and loved.  We need to tell them what will help us to trust them again. 

When in a marriage with porn use, there are two people that are affected.  And we need to heal.  Both people need to heal together.  My being direct with my husband is what let him see and understand the effect his use had on our marriage.  My crying let him see the hurt.  My anger let him see this needed to stop.  I never berated him, called him weird, I never even called him an asshole.  I just said, "if you want to be married, we need to talk."  It took time.  But never did he say I need you to be easier on me.  He said, "What can I do to help you heal?"  And we talked about what needed to be different.  Not just him either.  For as his porn use went on, I did not want to be with him and around him much.  He didn't talk he disconnected.  We had to learn to be married all over again. 

Once I caught him, there was no cautious.  It was do we save the marriage or not.  It was trauma ER time.  And pushing hard let him see what he meant to me.

 

[mtaha2015]

Thinking positive and positive attitude is required for both addict and partner of addict.
you are team.
work as team.
unity is powerful.

 

[Steam rolled]

I understand the pain.
but there is difference between, men and women brain.
so , I would just suggest , relax and be cautious with addicts.
pushing hard will lead them to escape.

battle of nerves. for both addict and his/her partner.

Thanks for your response.

If my Husband is that weak that he couldnt handle the pressure of my pain to  go run back to the corner, well im not kissing his ass
Havent and  wont !!
all i ask is that he can be kind enough to save me time and let me go if thats the choice he makes!
He created this not me!

Though  i have vented all over his ass up down and all around in the past he still remains a strong man!!!
He seems honest in his Claims to have no desire to chose that over a REAL LIFE woman who would wipe the shit off his ass if need be , so we still remain strong, though sometime our love may feel weak, we so far have kept going!
Or should i say me, cause IM STILL NOT SURE!


Be strong or be wrong!

 

[mtaha2015]

that's not husband's weakness.
its human's nature.
weakness of humans.
addictive to pleasurable things.


im not kissing his ass
I won't recommend either.

i have vented all over his ass up down and all around in the past

what do you mean by that ? you did some thing with his ass?

who would wipe the shit off his ass if need be

why would you do that ?

 

[mtaha2015]

And it looks like you were abusing me instead of your husband here on this forum.
Don't do that again.
I can abuse too.

 

[Steam rolled]

that's not husband's weakness.
its human's nature.
weakness of humans.
addictive to pleasurable things.


im not kissing his ass
I won't recommend either.

i have vented all over his ass up down and all around in the past

what do you mean by that ? you did some thing with his ass?

I have got over being angry towards him , I may have kicked him in the ass a time or to for being a lier! ha ha
I come here to vent and share how some wife's feel and i have helped some on this forum i have been told in private messege many times
So that makes myself and my husband happy.

who would wipe the shit off his ass if need be

why would you do that ?
[/quote]

If he was sick i would be there I would do anything for him unlike this addiction or any.

If someone thinks that porn is pleasure thats fine, But don't force it into someone else life that doesn't want it.

WHAT ...............Abusing you ????????????? Not my intention.

 

[Gracie]

mtaha,

We know how our husbands feel.  We know that it is an addiction.  We are trying to help them.  We are here to get support for how we feel.  We are here to support each other in our walk as an SO of an addict.  Do not come on here trolling us.  We are comforting each other. 

I see by another post in this same forum that asks for how this affects SO's you have referred to your relationship with yourself.  That is not the same as bringing an unsuspecting loved one  into your world of addiction. 

 

[Steam rolled]

You got that right Gracie  8) ;D

SO has been PMO free 9 months as of the 28th, so i wanted to stop by and make that wonderful announcement.
6 months of it has been a bumpy road for sure and lots of doubt ( me)

Feelings have been taking away from us and then parts of our lives have grown stronger.
I feel far away from him sometimes still to this day and then other days cant get close enough.
The way he deals with stressful situations are so less stressful for anyone around him ,so the air around us is more breathable.

He has become a lot more dependent on me for just about everything, it can be hard to deal with at times but i got to deal with it if thats what helps keep MY man.

Just wish i could get a full night sleep it hasn't happened in 9 months And never had this problem.
Medication is the only answer in sight, though i take medicine to sleep its not And hasn't been working.
It still haunts me!
Keep staying strong!

 

[Steam rolled]

Thought i would share something that happen today.

So i was sitting on a bench out side a strip mall just being my lost self when a girl comes up and asks if i mind if she smokes and sits down, Sure have at it girl!
Almost immediately she asks me what is wrong with men ? why have they got worse like  creepier ?

Kind of caught off guard but i immediately had a response and it was - I KNOW WHY!!
Silence.
She responded with its porn inst it ?
Yes it is!!

She proceeded to tell me her sister just cancelled her wedding after spending almost 30K and is NOT marrying him due to his porn abuse which led to prostitutes.
She has changed the way she dress's due to feeling uncomfortable all the time around men.
The way they stare, the way they look at us its written all over there face whats going on behind those eyes.
shes afraid to go out with her friends that may end leading into late hours for her safety.
She knows her husband is and has been viewing and has confronted him many times with no luck, but due to the fact he is sick she sticks threw it for HIS sake, she loves him but hates him at the same time.
I got the feeling her husband is VERY sick and put it that - she is just going to ride it out it wont be long.

This isn't the first time this has been brought to my attention by other woman,I Have many stories.
Guess the pain is written all over me even when i try to hide it girls know, they just do!

More and more girls are catching on to this epidemic its getting so out of control its obvious,its not normal behavior like some like to believe only because they don't see the damage they are causing themselves some unknowingly and some just selfish.
So if you or someone you know has this problem they will be discovered and it will be brought to attention eventually!
Sooner or later!
Sooner the better!

Don't be " That Guy "

 

[chickaboomski]

Steamrolled, your journey fills me with comfort and fear at the same time. I find comfort in knowing that all these feelings are obviously normal, the pain, the hurt, the loneliness, mistrust is not just something my own mind and heart is suffering. That it is not my own crazy perception. The fear that it will never subside, that I am scarred beyond healing. My journey is so new by comparison and I am only one week in from confronting my partner. The fear unlike your partner, mine may never admit to me he has an addiction, as he said outright he didn't. The fear I will never trust him again. that I will always be wondering.
I do think you need to stop and give yourself some credit. While your partner has made leaps and bounds in his recovery and you feel as if you haven't. You need to acknowledge your inner strength, your heart, and your mind for enduring this journey. To be doing this takes strength. And a special heart. I know because I almost walked away without even confronting him. I was almost willing to quit before I begun. Your replies and post while fill me in fear of what I am in for, give me strength in being the woman I want to be. The faith you have in your partners ability in your rain mind is something I strive to have. Your courage to persist, share and encourage others is admirable. love yourself. You are worthy. Your husband obviously thinks so, and as does many of us strangers watching from a far. As you said yourself. Pixels on a screen. There is so much more that makes a real woman other than pixels on a screen.
Much love.
and Thank you

 

[Steam rolled]

Good to hear your still hanging in there chicka fighting to get things in order, beacuse in the begining it was a huge cluster of every emotion imaginable no order and yes at time still is.
When trust is destroyed it seems impossible to get back,when love is played with like game it feels like game over.
Then we realize it got a grip on our men and has had for many decades in most cases and seems near impossible to councour that. And it does all seem this way and its real!!!

But we stand by and hope they can see that the players are playing them and there feelings and run!
Hope is all i got!
Trust is iffy. And that trust being brocken in the end is really the worst part of it all.

So now every night is like a fashion show , do i look ok ,do i look sexy or over doing it,is my hair a mess, should i wear this to bed or that to bed or nothing to bed ,Are my new boobs looking good. Mass confusion!
Sex is every night, is it beacuse im not enough, is it beacuse if we dont he will want to go back, is it beCuse he trained himself to O daily with or without me ,is it really me he is with???????
And worst of all - when will he get bored???
Before he got caught i was a every other night deal, ha ha how sad!
Before he went high speed there were no problems with our sex life!
Then it all went down hill!

Every feeling i have he says is not right or true- but he said he wasnt PMOing when confronted either.
I honstely beleieve the chances are slim he would let that control him again, but will he ever look at it again ....i would have to say YES he will!! And that where i am stuck.
but he has screamed he wont or ever wants to!!!
Before i relaized it was a problem, i knew he looked and then when confonted in a pathetic way - deniel and i was like whatever typical man!
The same - deleted history began.
So now its not just typical man shit.
Now its a problem and a problem for many!!!
A problem that is best never looked at again.
A problem that needs addressed if its hurting someone in there life!
Its just NOT FAIR!!

Just a little PMO Is no different than putting a crack head in a crack house and saying just a little is o.k .....NO NO NO it isnt!

Now im left with
PTSD 100% trying to deal with it every day.
Therepey ,Gained weight back, hair grew back,less suicidial , still refuses meds just to name a few.
How did i do this - my husband played a huge role, by reassuring me DAILY he loves me
And im all he wants and needs.
If my mind would just STFU a little but really its me i wont let it, beacuse i wont be dooped again!

Xoxoxoxox! Keep on ALL.

 

[Gracie]

I think you hit the nail on the head.  The men do not realize this is a trust issue, they do not realize it affects the relationship with their wife and every other relationship they have.  And because they don't what's the big deal?    The men say it is only porn, I am not cheating.  But to us it is like a smorgasboard of cheating.  It is not one it is everyone.  And there is touching them touching themselves and wishing the women were touching them.

As a result, we are left to just magically resolve this all away.  They say I am not doing any more so you should be okay.  Well it doesn't work that way.  They did this for years.  They did it in secret.  They did not go to bed with us, they preferred watching porn.  So how do we not worry.  They need to realize that we have to talk about it.  And talk about it and talk about it.  They knew what they did, we did not.  So we have unanswered questions, and a spaghetti bowl of feelings.  Keep working at it.  It does get better.

 

[Steam rolled]

Absolutly cheating!!!!!!
They can disagree All they want but thats how it is.

 

[Steam rolled]

Hi folks
SO is on 1 year free of filth this week how exciting !!!
So i had a few questions for him and wrote them down for him to answer, as i felt maybe he needed a reminder of how much damage it caused him/ us.
And without hesitation he went to work.
I thought i would share this with you all and he is o.k with that also.
This is his responses and I'm proud of him!
its hard for men to show emotions so writing them down can be easier for some.
His words.

List three or more reason that convince you porn was not good for your well-being and it became a addictive  habit a year ago when it was discovered :

I always felt guilty and ashamed ,I thought I had a physical problem when all along it was the harmful effects it was giving me.
Making real sex not enough to stimulate me and i never had that problem until i couldn't stop watching that shit. even after feeling guilty and ashamed I would still view it.
I would ask myself why I did it over and over again after I would do it, but couldn't stop.
I just hated feeling that way

List three more examples how porn made your day to day life different when you were using:

Being a sneak sneaking to watch it, The constant worrying of getting caught.
My thoughts were so clouded it affected work so many thoughts I could not think clearly.
I was really easy aggravated with everything and every body I hated myself for it every day I didn't like the man I had become.


List three or more things it took away from our marriage:

It took away the trust that you had in me
it took away the feelings of me knowing that my wife thinks that I'm the greatest man in the world it took away the confidence I had when being with you sexually.
It took away the confidence that my wife is mine forever knowing that she trusts me knowing that no matter what she is here for me .even though you are i feel it could go any day.
I feel as I'm not good enough the feeling of knowing you know I'm your rock in on your safety net has been damaged and it kills me ,
the most important person to me is you and I feel that it took The unconditional trust you had for me and ruined it.
I wish this never happened im sorry.

Explain side effects you got once immediately stopping use.

What hurts the most is knowing that I hurt you so badly I felt like such of a low man.
not being able to function normally as a man was difficult,PIED
But what I do remember Most is I had a giant weight lifted off my back when all was out in the open.
There really wasn't many because i was done that day, i wanted it all gone.


How long before you honestly excepted that this can't be a part of your life and why?:

The day you found out that very moment I felt the lowest I have ever felt in my life
I can't and won't let it be a part of my life again Because I have the most important thing in my life and that is you.
It was that day I knew it was never going to be in my life again it was making me not healthy it took all of my affection love romance sexual bonding and destroyed it.
I want to stay the man I am now and never go back .
I'm getting better every day that I don't use that crap I love you and want to be with you forever and I know if I was to use that again my life is ruined I will never be the man that I want to be.

What differences about yourself have you noticed for the better since not using?:

I feel emotions ,I'm happier there's no weight on my back from hiding and being a sneak or a liar I can be myself.
I'm a better lover, I have feelings, I don't see women as objects they are humans and deserve respect
I don't feel the guilt, I don't feel the anger, I can look at myself in the mirror and not hate the person that I'm looking at I hated myself so I hated everyone else around me I'm not that way anymore.

How will you control any urge that may come about to view porn again?:

The pain that shit has caused me you and all the people that anger And frustration have affected Because of what I was doing I will never forget that pain and I never want that agian.
Those days and nights I sat at your feet and cried and cried the pain was the worst I have ever felt I know if I was to use it it will all come back triple fold because I will lose the most important person in my life and that is you !!!the pain is the worst I have ever felt in my life and that shit caused it all.


If someone asked you your feelings about porn use what would your response be?

That it will destroy every aspect of your life ,it is not normal human behavior it will take your brain and twisted up into knots , It's degrading to women and will make you feel that way without even knowing it .
don't ever bring it around me.
Keep it away from me or you might get your device smashed And I won't ask twice!

Has your life changed for the better since stopping Why?

Yes 100% I'm able to be open and honest with my wife, Our love and affection is so much stronger ,Our relationship is improving daily I know we have a long way to go but I'll never stop trying to improve our life I'm here for the long-haul you're the only thing I live for to support you and everything I love you forever.
I will do nothing to ever hurt our marrage,friendship, love and you again I love you.

 

[chickaboomski]

Nawww... Raw, honest and real... Thats so awesome to read!!!! More of that... I want to see more of that!!! From everyone!

 

[Steam rolled]

Now that a year has passed and my SO has changed in many ways for the better
I have been thinking the past few days - have i really been beating myself to near death for a whole year !!!! And death has been a option.
Thats a long time to live daily being pariniod eveyday down grading myself, being sad and angry.
I cant and wont do it anymore, now its breaking the cycle i have put myself in is the problem and
Its NOT easy!
I have gave up counsiling a month or so back and it probably wasnt a good idea.

I still deal with the fact of being decieved from time to time, us SO's get triggers to
And its sooooo hard to pick myself back up and get out of it and realize im so lucky to have a man that admits he was wrong, never wants to be controlled and most of all doesnt want to lose me.
And i feel so bad that this little voice keeps telling me - dont believe him!
Though it has all slowed down, its still there and sometimes just comes at me like a giant wave and slamms me down now its more so out of know where.

I regret letting myself trust again and thats what hurts the most!
And it hurts both of us!
I feel so bad at times when i look at him and think to myself he isnt who i thought he was,
Beacuse that is really wrong !!!!! He is , he just made a mistake " again " but neither of us knew the. Damage until a year ago, but now that we do i have to let this way of thinking go.
Its not fair to either.

BUT losing the last chance at trusting someone in life is really where the pain is coming from nothing else but that !!!!!

Our love is much stronger,but the pain still lingers.

 

[Steam rolled]

Obviously people are reading this sooooooooo.

Ide like to add that it took my SO a good 9months before PIED started to pretty much go away.
Some part of it was definatly also performance anxiety and my anxiety combined.
A nice gift porn leaves everyone with! Huh.
I had got a bottle of his cealis he had hidden from me and cut them in half and used them occasinally To help him get threw and ease the anziety and it helped.
Did i like it NO, did i want things to work out YES! No matter what had to be tried.
Not reccomending this DRUG, but its just the truth.

Part of this time i also believe had to do with me and my overwelmed behavior from being deiceved
That may have made it longer, not sure but wouldnt be surpirsed.

Now the past few months of this year things have been going smooth in the bedroom.
No more Flatlines
He also informed me the other day HE HAS NOT MASTIBATED in a year and dont want to.
Has ZERO desire real or nothing.
Now we have been together for 15 years and in the past month though he has said it before but very few times, he is AMAZED at how soft my skin is, he said its so soft it doesnt even seem real.

He has got so many feelings he was lacking do to over stimulation its amazing what this can do to a person!
He was never lacking sex with me, but the quality was missing.

Dont miss out on someone that's there for you for something thats there to get you!!

 

[jay2005]

Thank you for circling back and giving this update - it spread lots of hope and motivation!!! I can definitely understand the performance anxiety part being combined with PIED :-/ But it's so great to hear that it gets better. Thanks Steam Rolled and kudos to you for being such a strong person!!

 

[Steam rolled]

So much to say but so little energy left.

Stay strong its not worth ------------ IT

 

[Steam rolled]

Between you and me.



I wish i could go back in time ......
back to those days.
unspoiled moments in our relationship before hurt ever touched our hearts
Before doubt ever entered our minds.

Because if I could go back and start from those moments
I would hold you longer and never miss a chance to tell you how much you mean to me and I would never ever hurt you.

But I know we can't go back to those days.
I know I can't erase the mistakes.
I can't take away the questions you must have or the hurt we both feel.
But I can assure you of one thing

I love you as I did then and as I always will.
Love your husband