Reclaiming My Life!

[olafthewise]

wow! recommending divorce!
First of all, I have no income other than welfare to care for a special needs child. Also, when we make commitments, we need to put some weight on the commitments we make. I am a Christian. I know of Christian people who have lost jobs, kids, spouses, businesses, arms, legs, sight, etc. I cannot claim exclusivity on my depression. My depression is NOT clinical. It's situational. In other words, if the situation changes, so will my depression.
As for my wife, she got problems and I am not willing to abandon her on this. Neither do I ever have a trail of willing females waiting for me to become available to them.
Income: I could get a job at Walmart if necessary. Its just that my wife is indifferent on "manly" issues. The result is disrespect, which I am sensitive to now and do not allow her to just insult me and move on.
Also, I am no longer "pussy whipped." This is a term that all you guys should know; This is where a man wimps about the house doing every wife-list thing she wants, knowing that if he is good, he may be allowed to touch her butt or even her breast and if he's real good, she may allow him to have sex with her. Since my wife has Vaginismus, AND has made every excuse to not treat it, AND is prude about other sex acts AND says her shoulder/neck hurts so no hand job, I have very little options left. Porn at least gives me a willing nude girl. Unfortunately, porn is like heroin and ruins my mind, so I must stop.
If I divorced her, I would add another set of problems since my special needs child needs me. And we have little income as it is. So I am stuck with her. I am in grad school, online.
These are the last days of disrespect. Her time is up and I no longer go around doing chores for her and she is perplexed as to why I don't work around the house anymore, hmm. 

 

[Christ My Savior]

olafthewise,

I`m Christian too but it sounds like your wife is abusive. It also sounds like she has given up on you and your marriage. It also sounds like she has not interest in rebuilding your marriage. To me, thats worthy of discussing a divorce. And I don`t take that term lightly. I too believe in commitments and staying the course but if I`m in an agreement with someone who is showing no signs of wanting to improve or no signs of respect, I am not going to sit there and tolerate it.

As I mentioned above, my wife and I went to 3 different counselors and I eventually went to a 4th but throughout that entire time, I always felt we were working together towards a goal: keeping our marriage together and getting back to a place of joy and love.

When I read your post, I heard a beaten man and someone who was feeling sorry for himself. I don`t mean any disrespect and I also cannot relate to have a special needs child but I think the financial "woe is me" stance you`re holding on to is really hindering your life.

 

[olafthewise]

I know my posts are not lightly expressed. I need an outlet. While in porn I often assumed I was the main problem and that I had the addiction, not her. Then I realized that marriage was a two-way commitment. So when I went to some respect blogs, I realized that I got gypped! She had me running all over the place doing what she said and I had no way to express my anger at her since she would pout and refuse closeness because I was so, so unloving. My friend from church is married to a beautiful woman. He has his own porn past and has stopped. He and her have a warm loving relationship with one child (18 year old lazy-male). So my friend has time and sex regularly. Anyway, she tells me I should treat my own wife like my friend does. This is an insult and is disrespectful. When we argue and finally get to bed she finishes up with Facebook (where she keeps up with everyone's spiritual & personal problems. I'm dozing off when she finally shuts off the light and complains that I didn't kiss her good night. Then suggests we have little sex because I am SO unloving!! This kind of talk is disrespectful since she wants me to be some kind of romantic poet and in return she will be the temptress I need.

flash back to reality now. We have kids with problems. One of my adult kids has extreme mental problems. My 20 year old has autism and tends to be victimized by men when he is not watched. My 15 year old has Downs. ok?
my life is not just her and me alone. Kids are around. meals, store trip, school stuff, home maintenance, etc. On Sunday morning, before church (11AM service) she gets sexual and may actually get naked and 'touch' me. But now her neck hurts so much so its a poor inconclusive hand job. She rarely wants to be stimulated. I then get to do partial coital because going all the way in is very painful. this is the full extent of sex. Every so often she will ask me afterward if it was "good for me." I tell the truth; it was not satisfying. I tell her that its like stopping movement right before you ejaculate. I just feel like instead of ejaculating the usual "5 gallons" I ejaculated 1 ounce instead. (analogy) She goes about her day like she's fine. I on the other hand feel like I've been abused somehow.

So, conclusion;

sex is important to me. To her, I ejaculated so I should be good.
She has no doctor.
says its hard to find a doctor who is not from India or wherever. the last time we talked about this was January. Now its been 3 months.
Now on Saturday, she spent all day in the garden. Working hard. Next day she has leg injury, neck hurts, etc.
This is her "get out of jail free" card. She wants sympathy... and...I am... reasonable. However, I will not cater to a woman who refuses to consider sex important, claims she has pain to get out of any sexual encounter with me and then works her ass off in the garden.
I told her recently that I know the truth; she has no desire for me because "I am unemployed and its all my fault that my resume is all wrong and I should listen to her advice since I don't know what I'm doing. AND I am a mean man who needs to become a smiling (jackass) fellow so people will like me" In other words I need to overhaul my personality at 52!
There is no solution. But I'll be damned if I'm going to cater to her honey-do list!
I mention her disrespect and her emasculation attitude and she says I've become a mean man that she does not know.
wrong; she hit menopause!! We read about solutions for her Vaginismus like putting coconut oil in her vagina and she even messes that up by rarely doing that.

So what do I do now?
get up in the morning, run 6 miles. get home get kids up and ready. drop them off at school, wife goes to work, I go with autistic son to the gym (I HATE being with him). go home, work on homework, clean up, get lunch, finish homework, get kids, wait for special-ed bus, other daily tasks and kids stuff, etc. Life goes on, Sex is not part of any of it except for Sunday because men can shut off their sexual desire like a switch.
So no sex? I'll just work more on my career...oh yeah, I'm unemployed!!
I also have given up on psychology/mental health jobs since they are all run by women, they will not hire a man, so I have to apply for what I hate; sales.
If I am hired, I am not coming home. Gym time. go slow. Starbucks to do homework, eventually make it home.
I'm not angry. I am beyond that.
God has ruined me, embarrassed and humiliated me before men. He has ruined my dreams, goals and now my sexuality. God could fix this. He has chosen not to. My reputation; what little God-given ego I had is gone, my witness to the Godless-a joke. My kids are all pagans on drugs, gay or agnostic or just mentally disabled. (except my 11 year old daughter) I have no legacy and when I call my father from 1000 miles away he asks if I found work yet...(I must embarrass him.) God will do what He will do. If I matter to God, it must be as a babysitter because that's all I do. If I die today, I will have left a $60K debt from grad school!
I had great beginnings when I was 25. Good job, retirement, reputation...it quickly ended, then a sales job for 18 years that I hated. Then came the company truck accident after my daughter was date-raped. Injury, then fired. The settlement kept us out of foreclosure, for now.
So, I must go on to do what little God has given me (as a babysitter) and I will do it. I don't like my life but there is nothing, nothing, nothing I can do about it. (except fantasy)

 

[lyon03]

Hey brothers. Thanks for sharing. Olaf I certainly feel for you my friend. I must admit that I don't always read your comments but am glad to have caught up today. At the risk of hijacking CMS's thread, this message is for you Olaf. I'd like you to write a post describing the life you want, not the life you currently have. Rather than wallowing in the muck of the present, which from your description sounds unbearably painful, I'd love it if you shared some of your hopes and dreams with us - perhaps on your own thread if you have one. As I've learned the hard way, there is no hope (nor salvation) in anger, resent, blame and defeatism. No judging my friend, just caring. 

 

[olafthewise]

Yeah, I have to finish my grad class. This is week 4. Week 5 it ends. I have outdoor school with my daughter next week for 3 days. Perhaps I can do that then.

The only problem is that; fantasy is what I do too much of. Here I vent, get feed back, etc.

as much as I see everyone's point on leaving my wife, if I was rich, I would have... or she would be different if I had lots of money...a pondering thought!

that's all for now, I have a 5 page paper to write.

 

[challenged]

God has ruined me, embarrassed and humiliated me before men.

ofal, you have said in several posts that you are a Christian, and yet you say things like the above (which, need I remind you, is a witness to others).  These thoughts don't come from God, they are not Godly, and they are completely antithetical to fundamental Christian beliefs and doctrine.  They are erroneous.  They are the product of self-pity. 

Believe me, I am not unsympathetic to the struggles you are facing in your life; I'm sure others are not unsympathetic also.  But I firmly believe that your attitude and viewpoint is probably contributing to how your wife and others close to you see you and treat you, and your feelings seem to be so negative that I would surmise that they cannot help but impact your chances of success in many endeavors, even simple ones.

If I matter to God, it must be as a babysitter because that's all I do.

That's an interesting clause for a Christian to use -- "if I matter to God."  I would like you to give me one Biblical reference that would support the notion that you don't matter to God, or that it is a matter of uncertainty.

You need to face the facts, brother.  All of these negative thoughts you have are worldly, and you are buying into them.  As lyon03 said, we are not judging you.  But as an objective observer, I wish you could hear what we hear.  You need to decide whether all you want to do is engage in self-pity (just like some will decide that they want to continue to live with a porn addiction), or whether you are willing to make an effort to overcome and conquer these thoughts that are killing your spirit (like you decided to kill your porn habit).

As a  suggestion, the first step in stopping the porn habit was to eliminate porn and believe that "porn is not an option," right?  Well, perhaps you need to eliminate from your mind any thoughts of self-pity and despair -- just don't let yourself go there -- and you need to say "self pity and despair is not an option."  And perhaps you need to stop venting here the negative thoughts you have.  Putting them down in writing probably just makes them more concrete.  Maybe you should start your own page here and try to write down a couple of positive things about you and your wife and your family each day -- only positive things.  It just doesn't seem to me that what you're doing now is helping you.

Just some thoughts.  I sincerely care about what I see you doing to yourself with your thought life, and others clearly do also.  I pray that God will bless you and give you peace and restore your trust in him.  But you need to meet him part of the way.

 

[Chile]

Challenged that is a good word for all of us. Thank you for reminding me of the things you shared. Olaf your friends at RN care for you and God loves you deeply. Sometimes He allows difficult trials in our lives but it's always to give us something precious. I have lived in a country and culture that I can't stand for 16 years. The few American friends I've had here have all gone back to the US or Europe, including my prayer partners. Bro', I can go on and on about how living here is a type of prison for me with nothing to do and nobody to do it with. That's partly how I got into deep porn and $20 bikini prostitutes downtown, but I can honestly say I LOVE my life in Christ and wouldn't trade away any of life's difficulties. It takes very little to make me laugh or smile now, and all of the crap I've experienced is in the rear-view mirror and becoming more distant every day.

 

[challenged]

Chile and olaf, a couple of additional thoughts about this tendency we have to grumble about our difficulties in this life - a tendency most of us share to varying degrees.  First, a wise man once pointed out that, as Christians, this life "is as bad as it gets."  Think about that for a moment. That is a promise God gives to all believers.

Second, it is instructive to read about the wanderings of the Israelites in the desert and their movement into the promised land, as set forth in the last half of Exodus, and in Numbers, particularly Numbers 11, 14, 16, and 21.  What is the one sin that the Israelites committed repeatedly?  They grumbled against God.  They complained about their circumstances, and what God had ordained for them.  And what did God say about their grumbling?  He considered it a rejection of Him.  See especially Numbers 11:18-20. Their grumbling was the cause of them wandering the desert for 40 years, instead of immediately entering the promised land. The lesson that comes through these chapters is that God considers grumbling against Him to be a serious matter, and we can lose his blessings if we persist in such a course of conduct. 

It is one thing to go to God in prayer with our complaints and our suffering, as Moses often did, and to explain to God how we feel, to share with Him our pain, and to ask him to help us and to show us his mercy and grace.  It is another thing to grumble against God and what he has ordained for our life.  This is an indeed a rejection of God.  It is saying that he is not entitled to rule our life, and that we should be the master of our life.  It is saying that we know better than Him.  It is saying that we are God.

I am not saying that it is easy to apply these teachings in a practical way when we struggle.  It is one of the things I struggle with the most in my life, and all Christians struggle in this area.  But if we find ourselves complaining or grumbling about something, we need to ask ourselves if we are grumbling against God, and rejecting Him.  It is one thing to complain about your favorite NCAA team not being able to hit a 3-point shot.  It is quite another to respond to certain circumstances by complaining that God doesn't care about me, or that God is not treating me fairly, or that God has harmed me, or God's plan for my life is not a good one.  Certainly, God forgives such thoughts, just as he forgives our use of porn, but grumbling against Him is a sin that he wants us to remove from our lives (just like he wants us to remove porn).

The other part of the equation is that God teaches us and shapes us in our sufferings and trials.  When we grumble against him about our circumstances, and reject his plan for our life, we waste our sufferings.  Our sufferings have a purpose, and God is teaching us and developing us into the person he wants us to be.  When we say to him, "you don't know what you are doing," and "I reject your plan for my life," the sufferings we endure will bear no fruit in our life.  Our pains and suffering and difficulties are bad enough.  What a shame to waste them and what God is trying to teach us.

Again, just some things to dwell upon.  As I said, I struggle in this area as well, and applying the clear teachings of Scripture in this area  is not easy.  But it bears remembering how God views our complaints against Him and what he has ordained for each one of us.

 

[Chile]

Thanks again Challenged!

 

[Christ My Savior]

I firmly believe that your attitude and viewpoint is probably contributing to how your wife and others close to you see you and treat you, and your feelings seem to be so negative that I would surmise that they cannot help but impact your chances of success in many endeavors, even simple ones.

This is a great point. The energy / vibe / attitude we bring to a situation is most often reflected back to us from others, unless those others are aware of this reality, they will fall into the trap and reflect back what you are giving out.

Its a mirror effect. You smile in the mirror and the mirror smiles back. You show up all negative and grumpy, they are negative and grumpy. Most people do not realize this. Most people do not understand that they have ultimate power over how they feel.

Olaf, you choose in every moment how you feel. Even if someone is mistreating you, you can control how you react. You should consider reading "Man`s Search For Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. If you google it, you may be able to find a PDF. You don`t have to read the second half of the book but definitely read about his time at Auschwitz. He lived hell on earth and somehow survived. He credits his ability to control how he thought in overcoming that period of his life. The Nazis could take his family, his clothes, his pride, but they could not take his thoughts. I would encourage you to read the Book of Job in the Old Testament as well. Job lost everything too.

Olaf, I`m not pretending to understand your life but I think the two books mentioned above are worth your time.

Back in 2007-2008, my marriage was at an all time low. My wife was so angry that I was working out with this other woman. She felt betrayed and disrespected. She was partly correct because I as pursuing a relationship out of my marriage that brought me comfort and some happiness but it was not a sexual relationship.

But the point is, during that time, my wife and I were reflecting back and forth to each other our own emotions. It was an endless parade of arguing, yelling, misunderstanding, etc? we were throwing mud at each other everyday. It was terrible. It was also behavior we changed after we sought out therapy and began to understand what we were doing to each other.

It was only after we understood what was happening, that we were able to interrupt those old patterns and establish new ones that were beneficial to our marriage. We started to realize that we had to change the way we thought about each other and how we spoke and interacted with each other. 

We started to dwell more on the positives. We hugged more often, we smiled more often. We got back to basics? we got back to the behaviors we did when we first met and fell in love with each other. I started to buy her flowers for no reason. I met her for lunch for no reason other than to be with her. We started to take more time to just sit down after dinner and just talk for a few minutes. We made love more often because it united us and I think it became part of the ointment to heal our broken hearts. The love making was not automatic, we worked towards it but we took conscious steps. Thats the point. You need to be aware of your self-talk and you my friend, have loads of self-loathing self-talk. Its dragging you down.

You and your wife need to take the first steps by acknowledging your marriage has problems. Then you need to address the issues and apply real world changes. Thought processes and behaviors need to be more beneficial towards the health of your relationship to each other and yourself. Unless you put in this work, the downward spiral will continue. The first step is to take responsibility and accept that you need to change.

Change starts from the inside.

Change starts with your thoughts.

Stop dwelling on everything that went "wrong". Start thinking about the good things in your life. Start there.

 

[olafthewise]

Not sure what to say. I mowed the lawn today and in southern cal, it's dark around 8 or so now. The grass needed to go in the garbage since the garden bins were full. She really expected me to go out, in the dark and remove the grass so she could compost it! I refused. In the past, I was pussy-whipped and I would go out and do her dirty job expecting sex later. (which never came) porn would result. Not this time. She said "you really expect ME to go out and do it?" I said "no, you do not HAVE to do anything." She did. went to bed quickly after.

Out last sex was un-thrilling since she still has pain and still will not discipline herself to try the home remedy-daily, nor has she called a doctor. There is no incentive for me to do anything. My wife criticized my new (thirtieth or so) resume...in anger. I asked why she was so mad and she had no answer, just doesn't like me not trusting her to re-do my resume. I said "what do you have that I don't have in producing a resume that will get me an interview?" She simply thinks I am not smart enough to know how to write. The average job gets over 200 resume's. 100 or so make it through the computer key word
machine and 25 or so get in front of a real person. My hopes are slim for a job and she thinks she has some writing magic. we'll see.
sex is over. not sure what that looks like. There are no sex acts she will do, none! I feel like a neutered dog. Just not interested in life anymore. I care for my special needs kid and that's it!