Reclaiming My Life!

[Christ My Savior]

Its funny how I like to tell myself I`m not addicted to PMO but I had a hard time reaching the 48 hour mark yesterday. I`m glad to say I did but damn? another difficult day. Then I had to deal with stressful moments which made me upset and it PMO was calling. I know it would have given me some relief? briefly but it would not have handled the problem.

Later in the day, I saw a beautiful woman that completely caught me off guard, as they always do, and had another challenge to overcome. It was a day full of challenges. I went to the gym later in the evening and pushed hard. My trainer helps a lot on days like yesterday.

CMS

 

[Leon]

Awesome, CMS. Good job facing down the challenges.

I knew I was addicted when I would literally go into 'the shakes' in anticipation of pmo'ing.

 

[Christ My Savior]

This will be my 3rd reset in the last 2 weeks? today was a day off and once I had some time to myself I went online to view some P. Within minutes I was MOing? Not sure if I`m ready to do this even though I feel like I should. I reset my meter and my goal is to go just 7 days with PMO? that`ll be a record for me in some time. I don`t remember the last time that happened.

The first 2 days seem to be ok. By the 3rd time I`m feeling irritated. By Day 4, I usually PMO? that seems to be the routine?

As silly as it sounds I`m hoping that Friday I can stay out of the house and avoid being alone? that`ll be Day 3 of this reset. Day 4 which has proven to be the most difficult will be Saturday so I`ll be out and about with the family attending games and work. Same for Day 5. By next Monday, I`ll probably be really craving some PMO so I`m looking to plan the day so I`m out of the house and busy. That seems to be the key? stay busy.

A bit frustrated by this entire thing? also, just weighted myself. I`m up 10 lbs from originally losing 35 lbs. Its so easy to fall back into old habits?

Walking away from PMO while battling the constant weight issue wears you down. Have to stay strong. Been going to the gym but I`m constantly looking at ass. Temptation everywhere...

 

[notgivinup]

CMS...you are here. That is a huge victory right there.

You're not off on some binge...you are here. Wow. I'm not sure I could turn around and get back up in the saddle...but you did. Great job.

I have had to tell myself...to just take it one day at a time. I'm glad you are looking ahead and planning for what you know is coming..that's wise.

But each day...just plan to get through that day. That's what I am doing today. Just today. I can handle today. I can handle right now....and right now, I am not giving myself to the little thoughts that lead to the bigger stuff. Right now, I am not fapping. right now, i'm here.

I'm glad you are here as well...and probably wouldn't hurt to go back and view again the videos on this site....even if you've seen them before, there's probably a lot of good in them that will help you remember why you are giving up all the crap in the first place.

Thanks for resetting and getting back in the saddle.

 

[Leon]

This will be my 3rd reset in the last 2 weeks? today was a day off and once I had some time to myself I went online to view some P. Within minutes I was MOing? Not sure if I`m ready to do this even though I feel like I should. I reset my meter and my goal is to go just 7 days with PMO? that`ll be a record for me in some time. I don`t remember the last time that happened.

The first 2 days seem to be ok. By the 3rd time I`m feeling irritated. By Day 4, I usually PMO? that seems to be the routine?

As silly as it sounds I`m hoping that Friday I can stay out of the house and avoid being alone? that`ll be Day 3 of this reset. Day 4 which has proven to be the most difficult will be Saturday so I`ll be out and about with the family attending games and work. Same for Day 5. By next Monday, I`ll probably be really craving some PMO so I`m looking to plan the day so I`m out of the house and busy. That seems to be the key? stay busy.

A bit frustrated by this entire thing? also, just weighted myself. I`m up 10 lbs from originally losing 35 lbs. Its so easy to fall back into old habits?

Walking away from PMO while battling the constant weight issue wears you down. Have to stay strong. Been going to the gym but I`m constantly looking at ass. Temptation everywhere...

You are so ready to do this thing, because you want to reclaim your life, and you don't like how it feels after the deed is done, right?

All the reasons you stated in the beginning of your journal:

1. Innocence to be regained;
2. Your work;
3. Your relationships;
4. Your health;
5. Losing sexual excitement;
6. Wasting hours upon hours of your life;
7. Being able to prove to yourself that you can go without porn, not just for a day- but for a week, and for longer...
8. To be the better man that your wife so deserves;
9. You want to share your story with us, and learn our stories as well;
10. You want to find a way out of this darkness in your life;
11. You want to overcome this;
12. You want to be free;
13. You want to end this suffering;
14. You want to do better than your 6-7 months being porn free 20 years ago- you want to surpass that, and you can!
15. You don't want to pass this addiction down to your children;
16. You want to be an example to your children;
17. You want to be able to look your children in the eyes in all honesty, and tell them that you beat this thing.

Those are just 17 reasons that I could find in your own statements that show that you do want to overcome this thing, and I know that you can! I've felt the same way as yourself.

Just track your progress, as you're doing with your counter. Or, you can also keep a hard copy in a journal, if you have one. But, never give up. Find the strength in yourself, challenge yourself, don't take this lying down- you're much better than that. This thing cannot take your life, cannot take your family, your health, and your sanity.

God wills it, how can it be any different?

Fight this thing, as if you were fighting for your very life. But, learn to use the tools available, what we share here on the Nation, our strategies, our 'tricks', by which we, who are no different from yourself, have found freedom.

You're worth total freedom.

 

[olafthewise]

Ok! Well now that I see your habits I can weigh in and give the mechanics a shot.
Step one are questions: Do you so desperately need, need to check emails? Is your job controlled where you will not do porn at work? Do you have a VCR or DVD or blue ray machine?
Body question: Do you NEED to ejaculate regularly? If so and wife is around, can she help? Often the man needs orgasm more than the wife. If she is willing, perhaps she can help with this. There is hand jobs, coital sex oral, etc. she is there to "calm your stallion so you won't sin." (my own wife does not help me at all)
I assume you are a Christian so keep up your bible reading and church attending. You have a job and I assume you have a house with a yard. You go to the gym, this is good.
Let's begin:
First step is to stop all computer activity. All of it. Yes I said all. If you have difficulty and need to do email, set your internet home page on email only. When done, turn OFF the computer, unplug, put it away etc, so that it is difficult to re-set up. and do not put it in the bedroom!
Next: sexuality is a weird thing among men. (For me I love to sunbathe nude in my side yard, without masturbation, in a private spot where I cannot get caught by neighbors or kids) Therefore, if you need some nude time in private or a shower or bath, or you shave your parts...make this a self de-stress time for you. If masturbation is necessary, the yourbrainonporn.com site recommends you NOT masturbate to pictures or video. By hand only. Then move on to other things. Sex with your wife is either cooperative or its not. Remember to make it worth her time. If she is willing to "service you" you must also make sure your technique gets her an orgasm too. (no, do not check web for orgasm techniques)
develop a "me time" for DVD movies or another hobby...your choice. It needs to replace your idleness.
Get on a good food diet. The less sugar the better. take vitamins and protein. set a bedtime, take melatonin if sleep is difficult.
As for women in public; it happens, we all see beauty and if we are off porn we can tolerate beautiful women better. Trust me I go to the gym all the time. they are there, I admire them, I finish workout and leave.

As for relapse; it happens. but get back to the above routine asap.
first and foremost, get off all computer use at home for several days. You will see. you will know. trust me. After this, your brain will rewire itself and you can think again. 

 

[Christ My Savior]

Olafthewise,

I appreciate your suggestions. Unfortunately most of my work needs a computer with internet access. I also have a job where I can work from home or the office. Most of the time, I work from home because I have another job that requires me to show up for appointments and thats only a few blocks from my home, whereas my office is a good 10 miles away and that requires a 60 minute commute. I live in a large city with lots of traffic?.

As for sex with my wife? that usually happens around 2x a week which is good considering we`ve been married for 15 years. I still find her very attractive but I find that I am needing an orgasm 24 hours later? and I`m not usually in the mood for sex with her, its just to get some release from stress.

Living in a large city, I see beautiful women all the time? its rough. And over the last 15 years, I have been approached by several women during the course of my marriage who have just come out and said to me, "Lets just have a good time, no strings attached". I have been very tempted at times but every time I either ignore their come ons or if I know I`m going to have to work with them or see them a lot, I explain to them that I am happily married. I`m not going to lie, I have come very close to pursuing these relationships?

At the end of the day, what keeps me honest is thinking about how good my life truly is. I think of my wife, my kids, our home, etc? why would I want to possibly lose all that for a few hours of excitement???

The biggest battle for me is being home alone and working. I have considered moving offices within my company? that would shorten my commute by around 20 minutes each way? I may put in for it over the summer?. at least that way I can get to my office a bit more and work there, avoiding that alone time?. the more I think about it, I should probably switch offices ASAP.

Even today, I had to work a few blocks from home but instead of coming straight home, deliberately went to the bookstore to avoid coming home.

 

[olafthewise]

ok. This is good.
I'm gonna think on this.

so women just walk up to you...? Really? you're minding your own business and they just say "lets go."

do you look at porn at work or are you disciplined there so that you never do?

does your wife know and if so, how much does she know, or does she know nothing and (without telling me details) does she fulfil your sexual fantasies with those sex acts that you like AND is she ok with it. I ask because on porn, we learn about sex acts that sometimes come out of left field for the wife, leaving them curious about where you got the ideas.
and...can you not look at any electronics, computer etc on weekend? This would give you a two day break.
Consider masturbation without porn or pictures. Because really, if you need to ejaculate, well, you need to. Some people just need it. In my past I needed to ejaculate 3-4 times per week. When my wife got "cold" I began the porn. when my career was not working out, I increased the porn. It got to the point where I was spending time "doing college work (in my forties)" on the computer...taking valuable time from my large family. I finally had to restrict and take "day" breaks from porn. It got so bad I stopped masturbating and just looked at soft porn...I'm weird!
compared to me and my 30 year marriage, you are having double what I get. and what little I get is not very exciting. The only reason I get excited to perform is from sex-starvation...not having sex all week!


I'll add more here later. Lets just say my porn went from a number like "daily" to right now, I see about 1% of what I used to see. More on this later.

 

[Leon]

CMS, if I may come at this in a different way.

First, my earlier post was meant to encourage you to continue the fight, by reflecting back to you the very reasons you yourself originally gave as to why you want to give this stuff up.

Second, my recovery (or reboot, if you prefer) has been with complete and unfettered access to the internet. Also, many times I'm 'left' home alone- as tomorrow morning, when my wife goes to do her catering business some 3 hours out of town. But, I can all but assure you that I don't want to pmo- Oh, sure, I could allow myself to be put in that frame of mind, but I don't want that to happen. Therefore, I'll avoid those 'small things' that lead up to it.

Maybe someone can look at my recovery time, and say, "Well after so many years of trying, he's now 'strong enough' to say No to this or that temptation..."

I seriously don't think that's it. You know why? Because I would've recovered years ago, but instead drew this out a good 20 plus years! Do you want to avoid prolonging what's supposed to be freedom and victory?

I'll tell you what has not worked for me these many years: legalism, self-imposed rules, shaming myself, guilt-tripping myself, identifying myself with an addiction, and a not paying enough attention to my inner world.

But the biggest revelation in all of this, what has brought me more freedom than ever before has been a serious revelation of grace- yes, the grace of God.

Of course we're 'saved by grace', and every good Evangelical knows this- but it's more than that. I'm talking about a grace without any admixture of law. When we're willing to believe that all our sins are forgiven right now, completely and without reservation on God's part. All our sins, past-present-and future, are all right now absolutely and completely forgiven. In realizing God's grace, the toxic shame that kept me bound for years was flipped on it's head. How could I shame myself, even after a fall, when from the cross Jesus prayed, "Father forgive them..." ? Or, how could I see myself as an unworthy sinner, just waiting until his next 'fall', when Jesus said from the cross, "It is finished"- ?

Truly, how we view what He did for us on the cross is how we'll view the way God truly feels about us. And how we perceive about God's feelings toward us, is how we'll finally come to see ourselves- as loved, forgiven, righteous, and whole.

We could struggle for years to push that rock up the hill (only to have it roll back down again), or we can believe that right now we're free, clean, pure, holy and sanctified. Why can we do the latter option? Because, It is finished!

Wishing you well.

 

[Christ My Savior]

ok. This is good.
I'm gonna think on this.

so women just walk up to you...? Really? you're minding your own business and they just say "lets go."

I`ll elaborate a bit? I recently went back to college at the age of 38 and was in a study group with two women. One of them was in her early 20s and one day when the other 2 members of our group left, she came right out and said to me that she loves watching porn and that she was addicted. She asked me if I watched. I told her yes. We started talking about what we like and don`t like. I don`t want to trigger anyone so I won`t go into details. Fortunately, our fetishes were different and I did not find her very attractive. She had a nice body but she had a heavy accent and smoked? two things I find as big turn offs. Several weeks passed, the same conversations about porn and sex. She eventually came out and said to me that she just wanted to "hook up" with me, no strings attached. "I know you`re married and have kids, I`m not interested in breaking that up, I just find you attractive, etc?"

While this was going on, there was another girl in our study group who was also flirting with me when we were alone. She would also text me and email me. She even invited me over her place several times, telling me I could come over between classes to relax or catch up on some sleep on her couch. I was very attracted to her and did flirt with her a bit more than the first girl but eventually I told her I was married? that pretty much stopped everything between us. The first woman continued to flirt with me and state her case that she just wanted to have sex. She even admitted she had a thing for older guys? After a year, she eventually stopped all communication with me but the opportunities were there.

I had another college friend several years before that who also just wanted a "fuck buddy". She was pretty open about it too. I find that young women today are a lot more forward and aggressive than they were 20-25 years ago when I was 18?.

do you look at porn at work or are you disciplined there so that you never do?

I have never watched porn at work.

does your wife know and if so, how much does she know, or does she know nothing and (without telling me details) does she fulfil your sexual fantasies with those sex acts that you like AND is she ok with it. I ask because on porn, we learn about sex acts that sometimes come out of left field for the wife, leaving them curious about where you got the ideas.
and...can you not look at any electronics, computer etc on weekend? This would give you a two day break.

My wife knows I watch it. She also knows that I like certain fetishes and will sometimes carry those out for me. This gets me very excited but after the deed is done, I feel like I "whored" her into doing these things. Does that make any sense?

As for getting off the computer on the weekends? I normally have family around on the weekends so its not hard to stay off the computer. I find alone time to be the most difficult.

Consider masturbation without porn or pictures. Because really, if you need to ejaculate, well, you need to. Some people just need it. In my past I needed to ejaculate 3-4 times per week. When my wife got "cold" I began the porn. when my career was not working out, I increased the porn. It got to the point where I was spending time "doing college work (in my forties)" on the computer...taking valuable time from my large family. I finally had to restrict and take "day" breaks from porn. It got so bad I stopped masturbating and just looked at soft porn...I'm weird!
compared to me and my 30 year marriage, you are having double what I get. and what little I get is not very exciting. The only reason I get excited to perform is from sex-starvation...not having sex all week!

I use MO to de-stress. I`m trying to transition to going to the gym whenever I feel the urge for P but I usually feel the urge when I`m alone which is usually most of the day because I work mostly from home? alone.

My downward spiral into porn really started when my wife and I went through a very bad 6-7 years after our first child was born. We may have had sex once a month after she gave birth. And then she would refuse to get naked. Most of the time she kept her top on? it was very frustrating. Also, we used to have complete freedom with each other, after she gave birth, certain sex acts were "off limits". I started using porn heavily during this time and even considered an extra-marital affair with a woman I saw everyday from the neighborhood? our kids were going to the same school, we were instantly attracted to each other, she invited me to work out with her, she flirted a lot with me and me with her, etc? she even spoke to me about porn during one workout? looking back I`m not sure if she was testing me but she said her neighbor couldn't live without it and asked me if I watched it. I told her sometimes?. that was a lie. At that point in my life, I was PMO`ing every day, fantasizing about her too while I was at it. One day we were running by my house and she said, "Lets go upstairs and have some coffee." I knew what she was talking about but I told her we had to do our workout?. Honestly, I regret not going through with it?. I feel like we had a lot in common and really needed some sexual release with each other? we were both struggling with our marriages at that time.

Eventually my wife caught on and had "bad feelings" about our friendship. She called this woman and told her to get lost basically. We eventually stopped working out together. My wife and I went to 3 different counselors to reconcile our differences. That started 3 years of therapy?. it helped my wife a lot more than it helped me because the truth is, I still see this woman around the neighborhood and I`m still very attracted to her but we agreed to kind of ignore each other when we broke off, thinking that would make things easier.

 

[lapdog]

CMS-I just joined the forum today and can relate to your experience. I found your introduction to be particularly moving and appreciate you sharing it. I'm caught in the exact same cycle. It's good to know there are others battling the same demons. Hope you are staying strong and are getting closer to the Ideal You.

 

[olafthewise]

O!...M!...G!!!!
As a Christian we guys got problems!! right??
The only girl I am attracted to is a blond girl who is 30 something and I like our relationship as it is. I see her at the gym she is married and we do not deviate to sexual talk at all.

Um..."gulp,' for you, wow, women are just coming on to you but you are getting your wife to please you with sex acts that you like and you feel guilty? I would say to limit porn to specific sites that are not porn sites but pic sites. Have "sabbatical" days where you look at nothing, no tv no email...nothing. If you need to ejaculate, well some guys need to. The question is can you do so without porn or pictures?

Man! you are miles ahead of me. I just dabble in picture sites that are non-porn sites and that is like once per week for 10 minutes!
My wife also has a "I hate my body" issue too. I love her body and once in a blue moon she will go to bed nude all night just for me...not because she likes to be nude, but to accommodate me as if I was handicapped into liking nudity since I am nude every night in bed.
also, my wife has "neck" problems that cause her issues doing hand jobs, so she cannot "jack me." she will not let me down there to perform oral, will not perform oral on me, has untreated Vaginismus for a year and refuses to make effort to treat it even though we have insurance. so coital sex is partial penetration once per week and the only reason I ejaculate is because I was sex starved all week.
I have great difficulty masturbating because I have no recent memories of my wife doing anything exciting.
So the only sex act for me is partial penetration...that's it, nothing else. Oh and I am on welfare and she works. I am still in grad school. I am technically unemployed for the last 5 years!
So, I certainly can give you some suggestions, but my situation is so much worse...and my wife is disrespectful by correcting me all the time and getting angry with me all the time and sometimes asking me if I really love her and that I am unloving and I am a changed man and that I was great a long time ago...constantly brings this up, wearing me out and then hides her body from me, no sex acts.

If I am able to not look at porn, I must be a hero!

 

[Christ My Savior]

olafthewise,

The issue for me is that PMO takes up 3-4 hours of my life. There are days that I`ll spend close to 8 hours on sites. There are times I`ll watch P, MO and then an hour later I`m back online looking at more of it and MO`ing? those days are rare thankfully but what a waste of time. The average day for me consists of watching 2 hours of PMO.

I have given up PMO in the past for a week or so and then return to it with a vengeance. That return to PMO is a full on press where I`ll download dozens of videos. This will put me on a pinge for several days and again, the amount of time wasted is really a sin.

Just two days ago I was online, the same routine? PMO, then I came here to this site to reset the clock. Yesterday was easier for some reason? today too. I had no desire to PMO. The day is almost over here so I think I`m pretty good for Day 3 and 4 which will put me into next week without PMO. My goal here is humble: 7 days without PMO, then extend it to 10 days, then 14, then 21, etc? baby steps.

Also, with the weather starting to warm up, I`ll be out of the house more and in the office more so I think it`ll be somewhat easier but I know from past adventures, even 6 months of being clean of PMO does not guarantee I`m out of the woods. This is a battle that I`m going to win because I`m feeling for the first time in my life like PMO is truly affecting my relationships, my work, my mental health. I really have no desire to spend my life in a room alone watching P, when I rather save myself for my wife.

As for my marriage, I`ve been pretty lucky that my wife has bee so "understanding"? When we first started dating I wanted here to watch P with me thinking it would add spice to our already spicy sex life. She watched it a few minutes and stopped. As far as I know, she does not watch it on her own but I know she masturbates because she has told me. I even purchased a vibrator for her several years ago which we have used from time to time but I think thats the length of her excursions from our sex. As I mentioned, she enjoys acting out some of my fetishes because it turns her on too, she admitted to feeling "sexy" dressing up for me.

But I think at the end of the day what it really comes down to is she wants to be the source of my excitement and she knows if she dresses a certain way, that will really excite me. I think partners in general want to be the source of their partners sexual excitement. Its a turn on for both, so its a win-win but again the problem for me is that I watch so much P with the fetish I enjoy that when I try to make love to my wife, that thrill is not as thrilling. This is the Porn trap and its the reason why I have to make these changes in my life, besides the fact that I spend so much time online when I should be doing more creative and productive things.

I guess what I want to finish with is to say that I don`t really have it that good. Yes, having younger college women approaching me made me feel good about myself but it was extremely difficult at times because even though I was saying no to them, I was still coming home and PMO`ing thinking about these women. That was not a healthy option. Currently, I`ve been training for over a year with a personal trainer, I`m probably looking better than I have in 5 years, and feeling better about myself but the struggle remains. P is only a google search an 1 click away. That thought will keep me honest and humble. As for right now, Day 2 is almost done? one hour at a time.

 

[Chile]

CMS,

I like how Leon reminded you of your reasons for wanting to quit. There are times when it's very necessary to remember certain things, both the good and the bad, because our brain plays tricks on us when we start feeling withdrawal symptoms. You are so right about it coming down to one hour at a time (or even a minute at a time). You will experience all the rewards that other Rebooters have told us about...just don't give up! Peace brother.

 

[olafthewise]

I see your point. In my recent past, I restricted myself to specific sites as a way to restrict the time spent on the new additions of the day.

The question remains; what am I, as a man, needing that causes me to PMO? For me it was to make up for what my wife was not doing. Since it is possible for her to "resemble" porn girls, I looked for brunettes that had similar bodies. I was a desperate man, looking for a companion. I was "pussy whipped" as the saying goes. I felt that I needed sex, as a Christian she was my resource and since she was often "not available" I pursued a non adultery outlet. It was just like heroin. I was an unsuccessful man-husband-father, I needed to cover the pain. All those smiling girls were approving me.

Origins:
You see, in my earliest days of marriage, my wife was nude in bed for me, most nights. I could perform oral on her often and she was even willing to nude sunbathe for me at our tropical vacation as recent as 8 years ago. My cup was slowly being emptied as my career was never going to happen. Every attempt at a side career failed and I was failing to. My wife saw my "un-success" and was no longer willing to be sexual for me or nude in front of me. Then the go-to-bed-nude thing dissolved. She actually hides from me even though her body is great! Then sex became more and more boring. I was fired after a truck accident following a family problem (with our mental adult-child), in 2009. I then was praying that God would give me another job soon because sexually, I was a basket case. My wife got worse, developed a neck injury, lupus and just plain "get husband crazy" things. I simply retreated to porn heavily. I chose places and times to look at the stuff so that no one would know, it is still a secret. I can use my laptop in the kitchen and close a window before anyone comes over to me. I no longer needed to do the whole PMO thing. I just did the P part. My last regular porn viewing as a practice was in November, 2014. I dabble in porn now every now and then and it is just a picture from a fitness site usually.
here is the hard part; my wife is of no help whatsoever. I get criticized constantly by her. She often says I act unloving to her when really, she develops excuses to the point that there are no sex acts left that she is willing to perform. I have no career (that's another story) no job. no prospects for a job anytime soon. no friends that visit or that I go to. nothing. My wife constantly is disrespectful towards me and criticizes every failure at getting a job. I have pushed aside the "pussy whipped" thing to address her disrespect and she claims I am an angry man who needs to talk to my pastor. (my teeth clench at this part) despite not being willing to take her disrespect, there is no change in the sexuality of our marriage. I saw a utube video recently of a sex therapist who said that if sex is not happening in your marriage you WILL get divorced soon. If I was rich or won a million I would leave.
So, for those who have a willing wife who has a vibrator, dresses sexy, gives you head or allows you to perform on her, etc, The porn thing is a matter of reduction of time spent and the frequency of ejaculate needs. I have nothing and I get the criticisms and corrections from her daily. No sexiness, no sex acts.
I am fit to be tied.
sorry man.
Your problem needs a matter of logistical solutions. Sex for you seems great. I am near suicidal...nothing to live for except the kids. My disabled daughter and my precious 11 year old daughter is all I live for. Life is boring. So I run. 6 miles at a time. Hour in the gym. I can still bench over 300 at 52. I look for little things but remain in depression and self-esteem criticisms of myself daily. 
I lost everything in my career failure. I even dreamed of being a coach and a bible study leader. With the career goes every measure of a man that is possible. There is no way my wife will EVER be willing to figure this out.
She is also na?ve; believes all men get an erection while viewing even the most conservative soft porn pic! Thinks if I just ejaculate I'm fulfilled and gets mad if I didn't like the partial coital I got.
I vented here, sorry. I just don't see your issue as bad to me. To you it is.

 

[Christ My Savior]

olafthewise,

We have different issues. Your issues are with your marriage which I too had for a while there. I spoke of that above so I won`t go into more details except to say this: my wife did not give up on me and I did not give up on her. Even though neither one of us was happy during that time we still loved each other.

As tempted as I was to sleep with that other woman I used to work out with, I decided not to when the opportunity presented itself. I still regret that and I love my wife. That may sound confusing. Its complicated because at the age of 41, I have come to realize, there is no such thing as a soulmate. I love my wife and she is my best friend but I have had deep relationships with other women as well. At the end of the day, one must decide to stick with one person and make it work or get a divorce and move on but there will always be other temptations.

The perfect spouse does not exist.

My wife is beautiful, smart, funny, loving, generous, risk-taking, but also compassionate and a peaceful person, she really is an angel. Any man would be jealous of me. But I`m tempted all the time by beautiful women that I see in the gym or at work or just walking down the street. That will never change. And I`m the type of person who seems to get along with everyone and enjoys getting into deep conversations with people. I often strike it off really well with women one on one because I genuinely want to get to know them and I guess that arouses them sexually. I have turned away more women that they have turned away from me? kind of scary when I think about it. Many opportunities squandered and several of my male friends are still trying to figure me out. They just don`t get it. Why am I telling you this?

I think you need to ask yourself why you`re staying in your marriage. Your kids will be adults in a few years and will most likely go off to college and start their own lives soon after, leaving you and your wife together again. If that is not the life you want, why wait? Terminate the marriage now and move on. Your children deserve happy parents and if you guys are miserable then what sort of example does that set for your kids?

My wife and I worked things out because we wanted to make it work. We are still sexually attracted to each other, we still get along great, we still talk daily about our jobs, our kids, our plans for the future, etc? its a good, stable, and productive marriage in that we both have good jobs, we are active in our community, we have friends but we enjoy each other more, we dedicate our lives to our kids, we respect each other, it really is a beautiful thing but heck, it takes a lot of work on both of our parts.

It doesn`t sound like your wife or you want to work things out.

You also mentioned a failed career several times. Who cares? You failed, it didn`t work but you have to move on. Find something else to do. Don`t tell me you`re too old because I can hear you already? you`re 51, who cares? You may live another 40-50 years. What are you going to do with that time? Feel sorry for yourself that you had a failed career? That you`re marriage sucked and still does?

Get yourself out of that mindset and start thinking about "reclaiming your life". Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Its funny because as I was reading your post I kept thinking, this guy doesn`t have a porn problem, he is depressed and has marital issues. I`m not sure this is the forum for you but I can tell you this, depression is a serious illness that you should seek professional help for. And the marital issues?  that takes two to tangle and if you and your wife are not together to make it work, then it will not. Do yourself and your kids a favor, move on.

Have you ever considered becoming a real estate agent? Within several weeks you could have certification and have an office to report to. Within 6 months you`ll be cashing checks. Granted, you`ll have to work and stop dwelling in the past but you need to look forward. If you and I were sitting at a table and drinking some beers, I would tell you this with the utmost compassion and love. You deserve a better life and its waiting for you but you have to let go of your past.

Peace,
CMS

 

[Chile]

Perhaps marriage is the very thing that is helping CMS to overcome while constantly tearing you down Olafthewise. Olaf, I met my wife when I was the big wage-earner and she was struggling. Apart from her love, all she could offer me was baggage from the past and her very poor health. I married her anyway because she is a beautiful angel and I knew God had brought us together. We went through some crisis points when the tables turned and my career when down the toilet while she became a successful business owner. For the last 10 years she has made about 90% of our combined income, so I know what you mean. Maybe you should consider divorce (did I just say that?) if your wife is a constant drag on your self-image and counseling can't bring you guys closer together. I know you've had to eat a shit sandwich for many years (me too, for many reasons similar to yours), but CMS is right: you can't continue to feel sorry for yourself. You can't stay in an abusive situation like the one you're in either. God bless you CMS and OTW!

 

[Leon]

Just two days ago I was online, the same routine? PMO, then I came here to this site to reset the clock. Yesterday was easier for some reason? today too. I had no desire to PMO. The day is almost over here so I think I`m pretty good for Day 3 and 4 which will put me into next week without PMO. My goal here is humble: 7 days without PMO, then extend it to 10 days, then 14, then 21, etc? baby steps.

That's a great strategy, CMS. My overall goal was 120 days, but I did it in 4 increments: 20 days--->20 days----> 40 days-----> and a final 40 days. If I set it to be 120 straight up, it would have seemed insurmountable.

If we can but find a way to go around our mind's faulty processes which are preconditioned based on year's of addictive behavior, we can find our way to freedom.

It's within your grasp. Know yourself, and then conquer yourself!

 

[Christ My Savior]

Thanks Leon,

Yes, I think you`re spot on when you mention habits? our brains are wired after years and years of bad habits and need to be re-wired into good habits. I studied Psychology so I know how difficult the task at hand is but at the same time, there is this rejuvenation I feel knowing that I am not partaking in P. Its only been a couple of days but I feel stronger each day that I decide to live my life away from those images and videos online.

Its funny because I really feel my weakness is being alone. This weekend has been full of family time and I have not thought about PMO at all. I think I turn to P for companionship? if that makes any sense. Its like an old friend? always there and you know you`ll get some release if you visit them but then after you MO, you realize how cheap it was and you also realize friends don`t pull down into dark corners that you want to keep secret from the rest of the world.

CMS

 

[Leon]

You're welcome, CMS.

Even if a few days, we can feel that rejuvenation as you mention. And as believers, we can renew our minds daily.

That does make a lot of sense. I know that was my issue too, turning to pixilation for companionship when I felt lonely or hurt. The living significant other in my life may not understand me, but those images on the screen seem to accept me without any reservation. And it's true that the result of afterward is a far cry from the intimacy or satisfaction that we were searching for...we're left with guiltiness, shame, self-condemnation, and that emptiness which we started off with, but now worse.