Larry's Journal

[LarrySheets]

It's time I start keeping a journal like everyone else here in order to keep myself accountable and just as a place where I can share my thoughts.

I was 11 when I first viewed pornography, and I'm 32 now. It has been 20 years since I first started using it. My addiction is long and strong, and I am trying to beat it after trying myself to stop using for over a year. Perhaps this avenue will help me.

I'm in a serious relationship now, and I mainly have trouble finishing during sex (no ED issues). But, i don't have any issues when I watch porn. I want to eliminate porn from my life and make sex as easy and pleasurable with my girlfriend as when I am alone and using. I really want to do this, but have just never been able to tell anyone and need a support network.

The only time I ever told anyone, was my old exgf, who broke down and cried when i told her, and then broke up with me a few months later.  I have been scared to talk about it ever since then.

Anyway, I'll try to post every day. I hope that some of you out there could help keep me accountable and I'll do the same.

 

[dc6]

Welcome. In case you have not been there yet, I would head over to yourbrainonporn.com and look through a bunch of the materials they have over there, including some very very good videos that explain a varying range of topics from how exactly this addiction takes hold of us to tips on how to get past it. I think the most important step in beating this addiction is understanding what it does to you, and how it affects you so that when you get those feelings that draw you into relapse, you can recognize them and deal with them constructively.

Your story has some similarities to mine. I am 34 days pmo free now and I feel fantastic. 12 times may be a head, but you can deal with it and get past it. There are a bunch of people here that are willing to help you get through those tough times, and will help pick you up if something happens and you relapse. So good luck and get going.

 

[LarrySheets]

Well, I got through day 1. It was incredibly incredibly difficult, mainly because there are just so many triggers anywhere I go online. Even looking at the news, there are images and links and just pictures that are meant to draw you in. I made it through the day okay, and will be seeing my girlfriend tonight, so that should make things easier. The toughest times for me are when I am by myself and there is no one to see me.

I think one thing that I need to do is to make sure I can recognize these kinds of triggers when I am reading the news online. I just had no idea how easy it has been for me to just see a trigger and then PMO.  Maybe it will get a little easier as the days go by.

 

[LarrySheets]

I got through the weekend successfully! It was tough, but I made it!

Friday I was really feeling the effects of staying straight. All I could think about was sex. At the end of the night, I thought I was about to explode. Thankfully my girlfriend stayed over nearly the whole weekend, so that really helped things on that end. On Friday, though, was the first time I was able to have an orgasm in a relatively short amount of time from sex with my gf. It felt really good to be able to do that and not feel pressure or shame in not being able to. It, also, was incredibly powerful.

This weekend I definitely noticed changes in my mood - just subtle changes, nothing substantial though. Little headaches, etc. A good test for me was watching an R rated movie with my gf that had lots of nudity, sex scenes, etc. and being able to handle it. It helped that I was able to be with her and keep my mind occupied. I'm scared to tell her what I am going through, but this journal helps a lot.

Today I woke up and don't feel nearly as tired as I used to! I used to be so exhausted and kind of down from coming in on Monday, but I definitely have noticed an uptick in the amount of energy I have. Things still feel rather sensitive down there, though.

I am beginning to wonder what removing pornography will do to my brain and my body. It has been around for so long, that I really don't know what it is like to be an adult without it. Perhaps it will get rid of some of the anger, stress, and sleep issues I have.

 

[LarrySheets]

I made it through today and last night fairly easily. Got some exercise and was able to resist the urge to PMO even though my girlfriend was not over for the night.

I have found that I have increased energy, I don't feel nearly as irritable, and that I am more focused and agreeable than ever. I honestly feel like there is a tremendously lower amount of stress than before. I am not sure why that is, but I feel really good. I am still a little tingly, but it is not uncomfortable or anything.

One thing I have noticed is that I sitll have been having kind of lingering baby headaches. This very well could be a result of decreased dopamine from withdrawal, but I really don't know. Other than that, I am feeling really good about progress. One day at a time.

 

[LarrySheets]

1 full week has gone by since I joined here and started a journal. I am still without a relapse!

I have been feeling really good - not so drowsy, not sleepy, not nearly as irritable, much more calm. It is fairly crazy but I really think that pornography could have been the cause of a whole lot of physical symptoms that I have been experiencing for a long time.

I am still feeling very tingly, and, well, my junk hurts to some extent - kind of like it's super cold or something. I haven't really had the urge to use in the past two days - I certainly have been very busy, and was in a stressful work situation where my natural instinct previously would have been to use to help take the edge off. But I didn't, and things went well, and I feel way less stressed. I feel a lingering calm that I haven't felt since I was much younger. I hope that I can keep staying strong.

I've continued to have headaches, and it feels lot like when I forget to take my anxiety meds - kind of like a little zing in my brain. I really think it could be the reduced dopamine that I used to flood my brain with when I was using. I think my brain is getting back to seeing what it is like otherwise. From what I have been reading, the slight pain should go away in a fwe weeks. I can still perform w/ my girlfriend, so that's not really an issue. I exercised yesterday and have just generally been feeling really good.

One thing that I have also noticed is that I feel totally differently around women in general. Before I used to constantly be looking for cues from them - be it eye contact, movement, etc. basically to see if they were looking at me. It was exhausting. But I have a new level of comfort and confidence now, and it is quite refreshing, and I've noticed that I am acting way more confident and way less tentative. It is a pretty good feeling. I'm also not nearly as socially anxious. I just wonder if all of this has been from this abstainance. I am approaching the longest period of time I have gone without PMOing since I was 17, so this is kind of untested waters.

 

[LarrySheets]

So I made it through last night, but I've been having some pretty bad discomfort in my genitals as a result. Does anyone else know about this? It is really bothering me - will it go away?

:'(

This has been really tough and the physical discomfort is getting to me. Does anyone have any words of encouragement out there? I kind of feel like i am going through this alone 

 

[jazzy-d]

Hey Larrysheets, you're not alone this.  I think we're all struggling with this problem to some extent with varying levels of addiction of course.

As I have no medical expertise it would be improper for me to comment on the physical discomfort you're experiencing.  Maybe it would be good to see a doctor?

The mind does play silly games with you, so I would say continue to be watchful of your thoughts and continue to do what you're doing by abstaining from PMO.

From my own experience, I know that sometimes physical pain/discomfort can be caused by thoughts especially if you have a history of or are currently experiencing anxiety/depression.

From the articles that I've read on this subject there seems to be withdrawal symptoms so some people do report having headaches so it might not be totally unusual for you to experience the same.

All the best and keep it up!

 

[LarrySheets]

Thanks jd

I made it through another day! It was incredibly tough. Very very uncomfortable down there, almost like I got kicked in the nuts.

But I am staying strong. Honestly, I don't have a real desire to watch pornography, but I just want something to help deal with the pain and discomfort. How long will this last? Yow!

 

[jkkk]

Hey LarrySheets,

Hang in there, bro. It ain't easy, I know.

Withdrawals can be really really tough. Mine was an absolute nightmare, I had problems with getting good sleep for 2 months. I had very strong anxiety as well. Headaches, problems with breathing also happen.

Pain and discomfort down there is also a occurrence - I experienced it and I remember being very upset about it.

I know that these effects are really uncool, but bro - it will get better, believe me. Take my words for granted. It might not be tomorrow, nor the day after that, but - it will

You are doing really well and keep up the good job.

I totally relate to you on two points:

Well, I got through day 1. It was incredibly incredibly difficult, mainly because there are just so many triggers anywhere I go online. Even looking at the news, there are images and links and just pictures that are meant to draw you in. I made it through the day okay, and will be seeing my girlfriend tonight, so that should make things easier. The toughest times for me are when I am by myself and there is no one to see me.

I think one thing that I need to do is to make sure I can recognize these kinds of triggers when I am reading the news online. I just had no idea how easy it has been for me to just see a trigger and then PMO.  Maybe it will get a little easier as the days go by.

This is really a big issue for me - getting to control how to watch Internet in a healthy, unharmful way. It's really difficult, cues are absolutely everywhere - it's easy to start understanding what people mean when they say that we live in an oversexualized culture.

This is my struggle - I stayed away from PMO for a long time, but then wrong use of Internet led to relapses.

I'm now learning again how to be healthy and how not to underestimate the cues out there.

And there is also the next point where I am very much with you:

One thing that I have also noticed is that I feel totally differently around women in general. Before I used to constantly be looking for cues from them - be it eye contact, movement, etc. basically to see if they were looking at me. It was exhausting. But I have a new level of comfort and confidence now, and it is quite refreshing, and I've noticed that I am acting way more confident and way less tentative. It is a pretty good feeling. I'm also not nearly as socially anxious. I just wonder if all of this has been from this abstainance. I am approaching the longest period of time I have gone without PMOing since I was 17, so this is kind of untested waters.

This is also something that I am struggling with really bad. Looking for cues in the world, in other women and later fantasizing or obsessizing about that. I try to relax about it now and start behaving normally when faced with women, and treat them with due respect in that regard.

It's great that you are here and that you are sharing your story. We are all in this together.

 

[daws]

Keep up the good work mate. I have noticed some aching in my nuts after abstaining. Don't know if this is what you are experiencing. Seems to come and go

 

[LarrySheets]

Thanks everyone! It is Sunday and I have stayed strong - I haven't used for nearly 11 days, definitely the longest I have gone in many years, probably the longest I have gone voluntarily in my entire life since I was a young teenager.

My groin pain is still pretty bad. I find that the easiest thing to do is get outside and walk around - it is much worse when I have nothing to do and my mind stays on the pain.

Thanks for the encouragement - regarding seeing women and my behavior with them during this time - it has really helped that I have a loving and supportive girlfriend. This process would be unbearable without having her around to spend time with. I dont feel comfortable letting her know exactly what I am going through just yet, but maybe one day when I am much farther along in the process.

If there is one thing, it is that I am realizing how much using altered my perception of women and how to treat them. I have never and was never hurtful or violent or even disrespectful to women, but when I was using there was definitely part of my brain that began to think that very casual sexual encounters were normal and that I was a loser for not being that active. It's easy to see now how stupid that was. I am glad I've made this decision.

I have had no real desire to use - I think joining this community has really given me a sense of committment. It was nearly impossible to do alone - I tried and failed for years. So, thanks guys.

 

[LarrySheets]

Just checking in. Today is Monday, and I am about 11 days in.

One thing I have noticed today is that there is less pain compared to late last week and this weekend. I'm not sure exactly why that is, but either I am getting used to it, or my body is getting adapted to the way things are right now.

It is kind of amazing, I have been getting less sleep than normal but haven't been nearly as tired as I used to be. I honestly think that pornography was exhausting me. I am way better tempered than ever. I also am way less frustrated than I normally am, which is unusual, because part of the reason that I used was for stress release.

I have been a little tempted to use, which I think is normal. I haven't had any close calls, mainly because I am so far along in the process that I don't want to have to start all over again. I would do anything, though, to get rid of the sensitivity and pain I am feeling.

 

[LarrySheets]

It's Tuesday and I have still not used - this is day 12.

It is getting easier as time goes to not give in to the urge to use. When I am alone in the evenings, the temptation is there, but I feel like I would be letting myself down now that I am this far into things. I am just really happy that I've come this far - going this far w/o using has never been possible without a support network.

The physical pain is much less than it was a handful of days ago. There is some pain now and then, but it isn't unbearable. My guess is that it will lessen as time goes on - sure there will be some good and bad days, but that is always how it is.

I am continuing to find triggers throughout the internet. Even in tv it is amazing to see all the hypersexuality. It is quite sad, actually, because I wonder how many other people have an issue using and need help too.

Anyways, tomorrow will be 2 weeks. That may not seem like a huge accomplishment in the grand scheme of things, but to me, it is nearly a miracle.

 

[vitam]

Right on Larry.  2 weeks is a big deal. Keep it going.

 

[LarrySheets]

Thanks vitam and thanks everyone for the encouragement. I am through today and am still clean.

The physical issues have started to fade. I'm happy to report that yesterday when I was with my girlfriend, I didn't have any signs of PIED at all. This was one of the first times I haven't really felt the need to cover what was happening. It felt great! It was way more intense, too.

I haven't really had the urge to use, although little snippets come into my brain every now and then. I am starting to forget all the sites and actresses and all that kind of thing. It feels good. It's hard to believe that it has taken me so long to do this, but I am so happy that I have come this far.

This site is really important - I think it's important for young men to know what pornography can do to them. I sure wish I had some time back from when I was younger. If only I knew. Oh well, I am feeling good and optimistic about things right now and don't feel much urge to use at all ,which is great.

 

[LarrySheets]

I'm writing today to say that I have made it without using, but am currently finding myself sucseptible to triggers that I've seen online. So, I thought I would journal in order to keep my mind off things and remind myself to stay strong.

Yesterday was totally fine. The weather is warm, girls are wearing dresses. It is hard not to think about things right now. But I really don't want to undo the progress I've made in the past 2 weeks and start all over. That would be a disaster.

So, I need a little encouragement. Any help would be super appreciated!!

 

[jkkk]

Hey bro!

Keep it up. Girls are wearing dresses? Great! Look at them for 1 sec., smile and think how beautful the world is. That is my tactic really! I'm not joking - for me it is one of the ways of defusing "erotic tension" that I am very much inclined to put when looking at girls. To me it's part of the PMO problem - I'm not saying not to be interested in girls. But the question is are we really interested in a woman, when we're staring at her cleavage.

As regards online - it works wonders to retreat as soon as possible. As regards social media - quite risky. Looking up the news - depends; many portals how ton of gossip and second class "life/love/sex advisory columns", which are totally bad - to me they are always ticking bombs, really.

You are on the good route, Larry! keep walking, mate!

 

[LarrySheets]

Thanks jkkk

I've stayed strong and made it through the week. I'll take your advice - I'm definitely getting better at defusing my brain from its tendencies which have been built over many years of one way of thinking, but I could always be more resilient.

The good news is that there is no more physical pain - which is a huge relief. That was really quite difficult to deal with. Right now, my libido is sky high, probably because I am back to normal and my body is working through this big change.

I came across a trigger online and immediately looked away from my computer. I need to find some easy ways to defuse triggers like that - going for a walk is a good option, but most of the time the triggers I come across when I'm by myself and it's night time. Maybe reading a book or doing something else will help.

 

[LarrySheets]

Proud to say that I'm on day 20 and still clean and have not used! I feel really good!

All of the intense pain that I had been experiencing a few weeks ago is gone. All symptoms of PIED is totally gone, and having sex with my gf is just such an incredible experience. I am no longer worried about having sex, no longer worried about PIED, no longer is sex something I have to concentrate on really hard. It is really enjoyable.

I'm way more relaxed and less irritable than ever. Even less tired. It's pretty hard to avoid any content online that isn't a woman in a swimsuit or something - that kind of advertising is everywhere. But, as soon as I see something that could be a trigger, I just try to focus on something else. The worst time is when I am home alone. But it really isn't super tough.

Sometimes, though, it is so tempting to get that feeling back of PMO. It is so pleasurable. It's really hard not to think about sex a whole lot, but, I've found myself thinking about P less, and thinking about actual women way more. It is a really good feeling. I feel like a teenager again.

But, overall I am doing well. This journal is really helping a lot!