Larry's Journal

[LarrySheets]

3 weeks clean! I feel really good.

I've found that even basic internet sites are loaded with triggers - news links at the bottom of the page, Facebook, etc. It is tough these days to go very far without encountering some form of sex being used to get one's attention. These triggers are getting a bit easier to avoid as time goes by, but there is definitely part of me that wants to use once and not have it be a major issue.

But that's the thing, I can't go back. This is the longest I've ever gone in my entire life without PMO and even without MO. In the past 5 years, I'd say that I wasn't able to MO just by myself without the stimulation of P. Right now, I don't think that would be an issue at all. There is some solace in knowing that - I honestly feel like a teenager again. But I wonder how destructive just MO is to my progress. For the time being, I'm going to avoid it altogether so that it doesn't bring me back.

I feel really good, though, psychologically. My approach with women is way better - I think that P really caused me to subconsiously always think about sex - like, all the time. I have been having happy and meaningful interactions with people without that hanging over my head.

The best part of this is that I am so happy that I have come so far. I had tried and failed to do this probably 20 times before. I can't really tell anyone except for this journal how glad I am and how hard it has been.

 

[LarrySheets]

Checking in today. It's the 15th. It's been 22 days since I stopped using. Things are going well today, although had a bit of a low spell last night and this morning. Don't think it has anything to do with withdrawal though.

Short post today - going to exercise. But things are going well and I remain clean and free of using P.

 

[LarrySheets]

Checking in to write that I am still clean. No PMO or MO for nearly 1 month now. Everything is really getting back to normal. There are still small urges to use, but they are getting easier and easier to resist. At one point in the past, I almost felt like an invisible hand was grabbing my brain and the urge to use was totally irresistable. Right now I feel like I am able to resist the temptations when they come. But, generally, because things with my girlfriend are going so well, there isn't much need for that anymore.

Still trying to keep it day to day, though. I am not getting too far ahead of myself. I still have an addiction problem and need to walk the line so I don't fall off - it would be easy to backslide, so I am going to keep fighting really hard even though the urge to use has decreased substantially.

 

[jkkk]

Checking in to write that I am still clean. No PMO or MO for nearly 1 month now. Everything is really getting back to normal. There are still small urges to use, but they are getting easier and easier to resist. At one point in the past, I almost felt like an invisible hand was grabbing my brain and the urge to use was totally irresistable. Right now I feel like I am able to resist the temptations when they come. But, generally, because things with my girlfriend are going so well, there isn't much need for that anymore.

Still trying to keep it day to day, though. I am not getting too far ahead of myself. I still have an addiction problem and need to walk the line so I don't fall off - it would be easy to backslide, so I am going to keep fighting really hard even though the urge to use has decreased substantially.

Hey Larry -> keep up the good job I think you're up to some great stuff out here

I've found that even basic internet sites are loaded with triggers - news links at the bottom of the page, Facebook, etc. It is tough these days to go very far without encountering some form of sex being used to get one's attention. These triggers are getting a bit easier to avoid as time goes by, but there is definitely part of me that wants to use once and not have it be a major issue.

"Basic internet sites" is pure evil, honestly. I think there is only a handful of sites that can be watched in a healthy way - I narrowed some and even when watching those sites I have to be conscious all the time as sex-related material is just everywhere, even on decent sites. This is really bad. On the other hand, I read in "Don't call it love" that sex addicts often opt to cut almost all "culture use" to avoid cues and lead a healthy life. Sounds staggering - but it's closer to this extreme that we should be looking.

 

[LarrySheets]

I'm very happy to report that I have made it a full month clean. I feel so great! Sex with my gf is totally incredible - I have not had sex that feels this good since college. There is just no way I could have ever done this without the help of this site. It has been really helpful to have the support of people here. So thank you.

I'm looking forward to another month clean!

It has been slightly tough to avoid all triggers, especially on the computer. Websites are just the absolute worst! This past week I found myself edging to thoughts in my head, but stayed strong and did not MO. What is crazy is that, for probably 5 years, I would never have even been able to get close just to my thoughts. But now, I am way turned on at just minor cues, and I think that means I am probably back to some sort of baseline level for me, which is great.

I feel very uncomfortable when scenes depicting P show up unexpectedly. For instance, I was watching a tv show w my gf and a scene of a strip club came up. I didn't want to watch it, and it was just mildly uncomfortable seeing it there. I guess it's good to know that there are blatantly obvious triggers that previously I wouldn't think about, but now cause me to tread lightly.

 

[LarrySheets]

Coming here to update! I am still clean and it has been 32 days since I last PMOd or even MOd. I have also not looked at P at all. This weekend was really good - Pretty much all pieces of PIED are gone, and I haven't really had to worry about that at all recently. I am still very tempted to look at P, though, from time to time. The urge is just quite strong.

Mainly this comes from seeing attractive women, banner ads on the internet, and just news stories that feed on viewers by selling sex and sexual imagery. I am doing my best to avoid this all. Yesterday I came home after work and was very scared that I would relapse. By random chance, my cable was out. I exercised instead and the urge went away.

I still need some assistance in just being able to cope with major urges that are triggered by pretty much every day circumstances. I know it is natural to feel some of this stuff, but it makes this addiction difficult to deal with. I'll look through other comments to see but I wonder if there are easy steps that I am overlooking. I'd like to go another month clean!

 

[daws]

Keep it up. I know there are too many attractive women out there! I have noticed just how beautiful they are. Not fake, naturally beautiful. You are gaining momentum with your mission. You can do it

 

[LarrySheets]

Well it looks like I have been counting my days wrong because today is 5 weeks since I signed up here. A full 35 days. I can't believe it.

Today was much easier, mainly because I thought a bit about the objectifying women thread and kept that in mind as I went about my day. When I have the urge to use, I am normally at my house and by myself, so I just go out for some exercise and feel better.

I am still noticing a teeny bit of trouble O when I have sex multiple times in one day with my gf. This very well could be due to some medicine I am taking that influences libido. I'm not entirely sure. Things are 1000x better than they were before I rebooted. But I suppose it will take a while to eliminate all the effects of nearly 20 years of use of P.

I am a little worried if I will be able to maintain myself when my girlfriend is not around for long periods of time. No doubt, being able to have a sexual outlet has helped my recovery. But, I'm really scared about the prospect of being on my own and not being able to have any outlet. I guess I'll cross that bridge should it come, but I wonder if there will be other ways to somehow release that tension.

 

[jkkk]

I am a little worried if I will be able to maintain myself when my girlfriend is not around for long periods of time. No doubt, being able to have a sexual outlet has helped my recovery. But, I'm really scared about the prospect of being on my own and not being able to have any outlet. I guess I'll cross that bridge should it come, but I wonder if there will be other ways to somehow release that tension.

Do you have reasons to be worried, in the sense, does your girlfriend plan not to be around for long periods of time?

 

[LarrySheets]

Hey all - went through the weekend okay. Just thought I would chime in.

One thing that is unusual is that I have been having pretty intense dreams in which I find myself seeking out P and PMOing. It is scary because it is something I really don't want to do. When I wake up, I'm pretty relieved that it didn't happen in real life, but it's still distressing. Has this happened to anyone else?

 

[CrazyGopher]

One thing that is unusual is that I have been having pretty intense dreams in which I find myself seeking out P and PMOing.  [...] Has this happened to anyone else?

Oh yes, most definitely. Sometimes there is an aspect of being forced to watch against my will in the dream.

Occasionally I also have disturbing dreams about sex in general.

 

[LarrySheets]

It has been several days since I've last written, but I am still clean and have not used in 47 days, nearing 7 weeks on Thursday. It feels really really good and everything is going quite well.

Infrequently, I find myself fantasizing and thinking about P. It doesn't happen too often, but every now and again. I definitely do not have the urge to use like I used to, and I am no longer really worried that I will have a slip up when I am on my own. Using P simply is too damaging, and I've been clean for a long enough time now that doing so would be quite a lot of effort down the drain.

One thing that has really helped me has been to ignore the links on different websites and to realize how sexualized the images are, trying to attract attention. TV is also really quite bad. But, so long as I make sure to note this when I see it, it isn't so bad.

50 days will be a major milestone!

 

[LarrySheets]

Hard to believe that I have not been updating my journal as much as I need to be. I am still clean, and through 55 days without using. I haven't used since I signed up for this account and am doing really well.

However, I have had some trouble in this past week. I have been thinking about p a bunch. Not really the actual scenes and such, but mainly the performers. It doesnt take much for my mind to wander in that manner. I have found myself looking at glamour model pictures on a website when it was a story in the sidebar. While I haven't allowed myself to revert on to a full blow p site, I am worried that this kind of activity may lead to a slip-up.

I think that I need to continue to document my progress in the journal more often than I have been. I found that when I was writing in here and listening to others battle their addiction, I was much more resilient and more adamant that I wanted to change things. Perhaps coming back here every day or two will strengthen my resolve a little bit.

I guess this behavior falls under the category of fantisizing, which is generally not something to do while trying to recover. Has anyone had any issues with this that they have been able to find a solution to?

 

[LarrySheets]

Checking in today! Had a good day today and have continued to be PMO free. It really helped yesterday to write out my feelings and continue with this journal, so I am going to try to journal nearly every day. It certainly makes me stay on the straight and narrow and allows me the ability to reflect on the addiction and how I am handling things.

 

[LarrySheets]

Checking in again today and coming in on 2 months since I joined this site and began this quest to end my addiction. I am having wild dreams, many involving me going and trying to find P. It is a little exhausting, but in general, I wake up happy that I have not relapsed.

Coming to the site and writing really helps deal with urges. This is particularly true because I feel these urges the most when I am sitting in front of a computer and alone. That doesn't happen too often, but I have a lot of work recently and am in front of the computer more often.

This is quite a struggle. I always thought that I would be home free after a few months, but these last 2 days have been near impossible to not look at P!

 

[LarrySheets]

I am embarassed and ashamed to say that I relapsed yesterday. Even when I was doing it, I did not want it to be happening. I felt as if my body and mind were controlling me against my will.

But, I have learned a whole lot. And now I know that I cannot get complacent even after many months of being on the straight and narrow. I guess I just figured that I would be okay once I hit 50 days. But it has a way of being there unless you are actively trying to fight it. I need to continue to be vigilant and stay strong, despite how many days are on the counter.

While the relapse itself is really really bad, there is silver lining. For one, I know that I am capable of going 2 months without using. Second, I know the situations that prime me to use. Third, I know that I need to stay in touch with the support community here more frequently. And finally, I know that the feeling of using does not compare to real life time with my girlfriend. Using was powerful, but is over quick, and is not satisfying. It is a very different kind of stimulation. For a long time I had forgot what it felt like, but now that I have been free of it for a while, I feel like its attraction is not as tempting.

After I used, everything was the same. I didn't feel much better. I felt ashamed and embarassed. The sun was still shining, the birds were still chirping - yet I hadn't accomplished anything. Knowing that using does not help me once the thrill is over was very sobering. Now I realize that I am not missing much by abstaining from using.

 

[jkkk]

Hi there, Larry.

Well... bro, I did the same yesterday.

What can I say - I feel your pain.

I got complacent myself. The distance between my last post and the relapse was 10 days. Maybe one should derive too much consequences from the frequency of posts but it is telling - I got complacent. This exactly how this sh** beats the best out of us - it wants you to fall asleep, lower your guard. Then it snaps.

Of course, we're not missing anything by abstaining from PMO. But the wiring, which was taking place for at least half of our lives and whole sexual life (that's my case at least) is extremely strong. PMO is just a "safe bet" for dealing with any problems, any stresses - that's my trigger always.

What lead you to relapse?

 

[LarrySheets]

Jkkk

Thanks for the support- yeah, I agree. It was all about complacency. I've been clean since, and things have been much better. I guess part of me just wanted to eliminate the desire to do that ever again after I kind of woke up to the fact that it was messing me up.

But, truth be told, going 2 months without PMO, MO, or even P, has done a lot to help rewire my brain the right way. I no longer have any incidence of PIED, which is just fantastic. I really needed the help to be able to reboot myself, and it has worked well.

I had been super stressed out and not able to exercise when my relapse happened. I was alone by myself all day, with access to the computer, and I had been having a conversation with a friend about their trip to Amsterdam, and it just planted a seed in my brain. It was pretty awful, a worst-case scenario, really. I started to look up photos of amsterdam because I had never really thought about it, and it was a slippery slope. What I really should have done was to leave the house and just go do something out in public, but I didn't. I know now a bunch of ways that things would've and could've been a lot easier.

1.) time alone (with nothing needing to get done) with the computer on a weekend can be a bad environment.
2.) talking about sexually-related topics or subjects, especially when on the computer, can also be bad
3.) not getting enough exercise and being very stressed out

I can try to keep these things in mind to make sure I don't relapse. That and keep posting.

 

[123bob]

WOW ! Larry you are my hero Keep it up broski !!!

Seriously though don't be so hard on yourself. It seems like there are a lot of people on here in much worse scenarios and IMO it's not even so much watching porn that is the prob it's just controlling it and you proved that you can do that for a long period of time.

 

[jkkk]

Larry,

your picking-yourself-up looks very promising.

The list of things that you have drawn up: I endorse it. It's same for me. I could also add being ill (flu, cold, whatever) - maybe it sounds funny but my two last relapses occurred in such circumstances...

It's also so encouraging that the PIED has gone. I envy you for those fast results! My PE doesn't seem to back of, unfortunately.

What stressed you out so much? Can you tell?