Larry's Journal

[LarrySheets]

Thanks guys!!! The encouragement is so very appreciated!

Really the stress was about work and a handful of deadlines. Between that and needing a vacation, it was a lot on my plate. The more I think about it, the more I realize that using P was my tried and true stress reliever - the surge of feel-good chemicals from it and the relaxing feeling afterwards was like taking a perscription drug. When things are stressful, it's just such an easy way to temporarily make my brain feel better.

Yeah, the PIED absence really is good. There was some time, like 2 weeks into my reboot, where I had tremendous pain in my groin. Since that went away, I have never had a problem. I remember going to the bathroom at work, standing in the stall, and just clenching myself in complete agony during some of those days. Thing was, it hurt so much, PMOing didn't even seem appealing. Ever since, I've been really back to my old self.

I still feel quite vulnerable to relapse. I am hoping that as work related stress decreases, I'll be a bit more at ease. 10 days since my last relapse and feeling really good.

 

[123bob]

Yah I'm in the same boat. Us guys in our 30s have real jobs with real pressure that doesn't help : )

 

[jkkk]

Hey LarrySheets,

Work and work-related stress can really strongly screw up the reboot. Screw up a lot of things actually.

I just went through such a turmoil myself now with regard to a hiring process I've been taking part in.

I lost my balance then.

So full understanding here.

How important is work for you in life?

 

[Hedges]

Fight the power man!

I am about same days as you right now so what gets me going (or not going) is the fact that i know there is better life and not a life of a zombie.  The advantages clearly outweight the disadvantages and because of that we will not throw our life away. 

I lift weight / cardio + plus full 10 hours a day everyday so stress is big factor but we will stay strong.  I will be following your progress man and PM me if you ever need anything.

 

[LarrySheets]

Good to hear from you all! I'm checking in today - I had an interesting moment last night. I was on my own and was on the computer just before bed. A vague notion of using that time for the addiction popped into my head pretty strongly. But, I was pretty proud of the way I handled it - I just thought - 'here's the signal, but no, I'm not going to do that'.

Sure enough, it went away. Acknowledgement really helped a lot. I knew the position I was in and that succumbing wouldn't do me any good. It felt really good to feel that strong - the past few weeks I've felt pretty weak about the addiction, so this really made me feel better.

My work is an important part of my life. However, my job is quite mentally taxing. As a result, sometimes I am just totally mentally exhausted and my willpower has been weakened from the day. That's generally when I have urges.

Hedges, Bob, if you guys want to follow each other, I'm all for that. Jkkk and I have been keeping track of each other. It really feels good to have support.

 

[jkkk]

Hey Larry,

Great news there. I can see your willpower is improving. Congrats on that situation.

I often tell myself: "this (PMO) isn't going to solve anything. You tried many times already."

Lately what really screwed me was the thought that I don't care and actually why should I say no to myself.

The feeling of exhaustion or being stressed or angry... these are all perfect triggers, that's for sure.

 

[Alexandros]

Hey Larry, you're doing great! We need to shut down these fucking computers whenever it's possible and spend time in the open air with friends. But I think is very good that you can recognize when the irrational impulse came to your mind and you immediately dismissed it.

 

[Hedges]

Keep up the good work man! I understand what you mean, when the mind fantasizes about P it almost seems like theres a different animal comes out.  Its like your whole body becomes numb and your mind craves it.  I do what I can to ignore it and worked so far!  I also find myself looking at other ways to satisfy this built up energy and I notice my attitude begin to change for the better. 

 

[Enough]

You're doing great, well done! It is good to read a thread like this when I am near the start of this journey so I can see what to expect. Keep it up!

 

[LarrySheets]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the support. I made it 3 weeks this time, but suffered a setback this weekend.

Thankfully, the relapse has not interfered with or caused a relapse of PIED.  I am very thankful for that. However, I'd really like to make it a goal to get to September without another relapse. It was tough this time around, and now that my PIED is under control, it is tough to motivate myself.

However, I am capable of going that long again and want to get there! I'll try to do better about journaling. Don't give up on me!

 

[LarrySheets]

Back on the horse, and here I am, at day 2. My goal this time is another full 2 months. Granted, it is day 2 right now, but I think i can really do it again this time.

I have noticed that I have been feeling pretty down since I relapsed the first time. I definitely do not feel like myself. I did such a good job back then - I feel like the several relapses have really made me feel bad about myself. I know that I have been doing a good job relatively, but, it just is difficult to feel good when I can't reach my goal. Exercise has been helping a little bit, but, I still just don't feel as happy as I did then.

Maybe it is just today's mood. Anyways, I will continue to be strong and will check back in tomorrow.

 

[jkkk]

Larry, good that you're back.

I understand this down feeling a lot. One thinks that PMO will help with anything and it simply doesn't.

I think you're doing a very good job - you got it wrong, but stood up and got back here. That's a lot already.

 

[LarrySheets]

Well, I am almost 10 days in and am feeling pretty good. I do not have the serious pain that I had when I first started, so I think all the PIED is gone for good so long as I don't get back to the 1x a day life (which will never happen again).

I've been doing a good job steering clear from things I see on the computer. I am exercising more, and that definitely is helping things. Although I'm not as far along as I'd hoped to be (4 relapses over a period of 3 months), I am not doing that bad, really, so i hope I can keep it up!

 

[Enough]

Well done and good luck!

 

[LarrySheets]

Hi everyone,

I'm staying strong after the last relapse. I am back at the point where I really dislike P and want to rid my life from it. I think I'm back at an okay stage, although this addiction is really really hard to kick completely. I feel like I'm at that stage in quitting smoking where I'm going from the 'once-in-a-while' stage, to complete abstinence of even one cigarette. It's tough, and takes a while, but if you stay committed, you can do it.

One day at a time...

 

[LarrySheets]

Journaling for the day. I felt really good yesterday and today. There isn't a little voice in the back of my mind right now that urges me to go look at P, despite the fact that it's a weekend and I'm on the computer by myself.

Exercise helps! So does really having a passion to rid myself of my addiction. I guess for me, quitting really must come with anger, so that I can be angry at the addiction and disown it. That seems to work really well.

Anyways, I don't foresee a slip up coming anytime soon. But, I'll keep journaling just to stay on top of things...

 

[LarrySheets]

This weekend went really well, and I felt just fine. I had zero desire to use this past weekend, so things are quite good. I exercised a whole lot more than normal, and I think that has definitely helped to some extent. I was also quite busy this past weekend, so that meant that I didn't have too much time to be on my own - being by myself in front of a computer often leads to strong urges.

I guess the mantra should be: stay busy, stay active

 

[jkkk]

...and take care of yourself

How are things going in other departments in your life? How is it going with your girlfriend?

You're streak looks really good.

What do you feel now in life?

 

[LarrySheets]

Well I reached my goal in August, so now I am going to try to go for 3 weeks. I have not been journaling as extensively, but I am finding the 2 to 3 week breaks very healthy. I'll chime in from time to time to keep updating things.