H
HumbleRich
Guest
It is quite late, so if any of this is unclear, that is why. I hope this reads well.
Someone on another support board, an SO of a porn addict, used the term pornosexuality to describe what she saw as the abduction of our sexuality by porn, the objectification that replaces our natural sexuality. A hyper-sexuality, if you will. What appears to be our natural sexuality (in my case hetero-sexuality) develops into something different altogether. It is subtle. We don't notice it at first. We don't see it because it isn't a change in our sexual orientation, per say, as much as a change in how we experience sexuality. In some cases it does get close to the line. I have experienced HOCD myself. At times I have wondered if I am bi-sexual. Only after rationally looking at myself and thinking through it all did I reinforce my confidence in my hetero-sexuality. One of the big "AHa moments" was the acknowledgement that I hyper-sexualize everything, especially my attraction to women.
I can identify two major moments that led me to the realization that my natural hetero-sexuality had turned into porno-sexuality. The first was an observation of how my girlfriend (now, my fiancee) behaved.
About two months into dating, she and I snuck into the women's bathroom in her dorm to shower together. She and I had already had sex, but this was our first time bathing together. I recall a lot of awkwardness on my part. I stood there with her, naked, the water flowing over us. I wasn't entirely sure what I was supposed to do. She smiled at me. It was an innocent smile. Unsure of what to do, I made an excuse to leave after having washed myself, to her disappointment.
It was after I had left that it hit me. During the ten minutes that she and I were in the shower she hadn't once, even for the slightest moment, looked down. Not once. I puzzled over this for the rest of the day. She and I have bathed together a few times since, and never did she look at my manhood.
I noticed that sex was similar. It wasn't the same. She did look at my arousal, but her glances were fleeting, unlike my attention, which was focused on her breasts, and never strayed. When she looked at my erections, it was completely different. It was with short, second long glances, which then went back up to my eyes. She never stared, she never objectified. As much as she loved my body (and still does), it was my personhood, my spirit that she was sleeping with. It was me she was having the experience with.
I remember that there was a period, while she and I were dating, where, taking her lack of attention to my manhood as an insult (warning sign, anyone), that I insisted she tell me how my penis looked in my jeans and trousers. I asked her to check me out (the way I checked women out in porn). I asked her to tell me, in detail, what she saw. It actually turned me on to have her ogling me. She enjoyed it, at first. It felt kinky to have permission to check out her boyfriend so candidly. She soon grew tired of it, though. It simply felt wrong. She loved me and she was attracted to my body.
But she didn't like objectifying me. And that is the key.
Two more moments really drove the porno-sexuality sickness home.
2. One night, right before sex, I actually asked her to change her outfit to show more cleavage. This is really important! For me, cleavage is one of my porn fetishes. I suppose it is natural for a man to be attracted to his girlfriend's breasts, but objectifying her to the point where he asks her to change. That is a big warning sign.
3. The complete opposite. My girlfriend and I were at a hotel, I was laying in bed, she was wearing a bath robe that was open. She smiled at me, flirting, expecting me to make a move, but I just lied there and stared.
What is my point? Porn hijacks our sexuality and takes control. Suddenly, we objectify our partners without even realizing that that is what we are doing. We objectify ourselves, and we lose our engagement with our partner. I had the green light to go, but I just lay there like an idiot.
Gentlemen, this bad habit is a plague and it ravages our sexualities, turning them into something bizarre and unnatural.
I have identified a few major symptoms, or results of this in myself.
1. My partner becomes a bunch of body parts as soon as her clothes are off, or sometimes even when they are on.
This is just not normal, fellas! Why did I just stare at my girlfriend when her robe was open? This is something very poignant. Somewhat ironically, she was inviting me to gaze upon her body, but not to stare, to gaze. To notice, to observe. Not to objectify, to glance at.
Our partners want us to look at their bodies. They really do. There is nothing wrong with liking our partner's breasts and finding them attractive. Our partner likes our penis, after all. But there is a big difference between enjoying and appreciating our partner's body and objectifying it.
When I asked my fiancee, much later, why she never looked down while we bathed, her answer was plain and simple. She never saw or thought of me that way. What way, I wondered to myself, but didn't ask out loud. I figured it out myself, though, after a bit of thought.
She had the mature ability to appreciate and be attracted to my body, including my penis, without objectifying it and me. She didn't have to stare at my manhood, the way I stared at her breasts. She never had an urge to ogle my body. Her attraction to me was much deeper, much stronger and more sophisticated.
The way she expressed her sexuality towards me was very different from the way I expressed mine towards her. In fact, it wasn't so much expressing it with her, as much as at her, or on her.
And this is what pornosexuality is. It is the focus on using the woman to satisfy our own sexual appetite. She isn't a person, in this perspective, but an object. Just as the images on our screen are objects.
2. I'm not sure whether this is a separate part or if it is simply a result of the above, but porno-sexuality lacks the engagement of natural, mature sex.
It has been a hard pill to swallow, but I have come to realize that I never learned how to engage a woman sexually. I am only now, at 28, starting to explore sex from my fiancee's point of view.
This is something that porn addiction simply obliterates. Actually, as addicts, engagement was simply something we never had to learn. I don't know about the rest of you, but my addiction to porn began long before I started having sex. Therefore my experience with sex was a result of my experience with porn. It was one and the same.
When using porn I was the only person that mattered, and so when I had sex I acted and behaved the same way.
But when we have sex there is another person.
A woman needs to be engaged sexually. I prefer engagement to the popular term seduced, because the latter implies passivity on the part of the woman. This implied passivity, this objectification is exactly what we have to leave behind as we overcome our addictions and attempt to build a new, healthier lifestyle.
A woman needs to be engaged as a human being. This means engaging her in general, by being romantic and funny and stimulating. It also means engaging her sexually. It is important to know how to turn her on and get her in the mood.
Alas, the only way to engage a woman sexually is to treat her like a whole, complete human being. You can't engage a bunch of body parts. You can't engage someone you objectify.
You have to make the decision to see the person. You have to decide not to look down.
That is what is required. We have to take back our sexuality. That is what it means to overcome our addiction. To take back our lives and focusing on our partners. That is what it is all about.
Someone on another support board, an SO of a porn addict, used the term pornosexuality to describe what she saw as the abduction of our sexuality by porn, the objectification that replaces our natural sexuality. A hyper-sexuality, if you will. What appears to be our natural sexuality (in my case hetero-sexuality) develops into something different altogether. It is subtle. We don't notice it at first. We don't see it because it isn't a change in our sexual orientation, per say, as much as a change in how we experience sexuality. In some cases it does get close to the line. I have experienced HOCD myself. At times I have wondered if I am bi-sexual. Only after rationally looking at myself and thinking through it all did I reinforce my confidence in my hetero-sexuality. One of the big "AHa moments" was the acknowledgement that I hyper-sexualize everything, especially my attraction to women.
I can identify two major moments that led me to the realization that my natural hetero-sexuality had turned into porno-sexuality. The first was an observation of how my girlfriend (now, my fiancee) behaved.
About two months into dating, she and I snuck into the women's bathroom in her dorm to shower together. She and I had already had sex, but this was our first time bathing together. I recall a lot of awkwardness on my part. I stood there with her, naked, the water flowing over us. I wasn't entirely sure what I was supposed to do. She smiled at me. It was an innocent smile. Unsure of what to do, I made an excuse to leave after having washed myself, to her disappointment.
It was after I had left that it hit me. During the ten minutes that she and I were in the shower she hadn't once, even for the slightest moment, looked down. Not once. I puzzled over this for the rest of the day. She and I have bathed together a few times since, and never did she look at my manhood.
I noticed that sex was similar. It wasn't the same. She did look at my arousal, but her glances were fleeting, unlike my attention, which was focused on her breasts, and never strayed. When she looked at my erections, it was completely different. It was with short, second long glances, which then went back up to my eyes. She never stared, she never objectified. As much as she loved my body (and still does), it was my personhood, my spirit that she was sleeping with. It was me she was having the experience with.
I remember that there was a period, while she and I were dating, where, taking her lack of attention to my manhood as an insult (warning sign, anyone), that I insisted she tell me how my penis looked in my jeans and trousers. I asked her to check me out (the way I checked women out in porn). I asked her to tell me, in detail, what she saw. It actually turned me on to have her ogling me. She enjoyed it, at first. It felt kinky to have permission to check out her boyfriend so candidly. She soon grew tired of it, though. It simply felt wrong. She loved me and she was attracted to my body.
But she didn't like objectifying me. And that is the key.
Two more moments really drove the porno-sexuality sickness home.
2. One night, right before sex, I actually asked her to change her outfit to show more cleavage. This is really important! For me, cleavage is one of my porn fetishes. I suppose it is natural for a man to be attracted to his girlfriend's breasts, but objectifying her to the point where he asks her to change. That is a big warning sign.
3. The complete opposite. My girlfriend and I were at a hotel, I was laying in bed, she was wearing a bath robe that was open. She smiled at me, flirting, expecting me to make a move, but I just lied there and stared.
What is my point? Porn hijacks our sexuality and takes control. Suddenly, we objectify our partners without even realizing that that is what we are doing. We objectify ourselves, and we lose our engagement with our partner. I had the green light to go, but I just lay there like an idiot.
Gentlemen, this bad habit is a plague and it ravages our sexualities, turning them into something bizarre and unnatural.
I have identified a few major symptoms, or results of this in myself.
1. My partner becomes a bunch of body parts as soon as her clothes are off, or sometimes even when they are on.
This is just not normal, fellas! Why did I just stare at my girlfriend when her robe was open? This is something very poignant. Somewhat ironically, she was inviting me to gaze upon her body, but not to stare, to gaze. To notice, to observe. Not to objectify, to glance at.
Our partners want us to look at their bodies. They really do. There is nothing wrong with liking our partner's breasts and finding them attractive. Our partner likes our penis, after all. But there is a big difference between enjoying and appreciating our partner's body and objectifying it.
When I asked my fiancee, much later, why she never looked down while we bathed, her answer was plain and simple. She never saw or thought of me that way. What way, I wondered to myself, but didn't ask out loud. I figured it out myself, though, after a bit of thought.
She had the mature ability to appreciate and be attracted to my body, including my penis, without objectifying it and me. She didn't have to stare at my manhood, the way I stared at her breasts. She never had an urge to ogle my body. Her attraction to me was much deeper, much stronger and more sophisticated.
The way she expressed her sexuality towards me was very different from the way I expressed mine towards her. In fact, it wasn't so much expressing it with her, as much as at her, or on her.
And this is what pornosexuality is. It is the focus on using the woman to satisfy our own sexual appetite. She isn't a person, in this perspective, but an object. Just as the images on our screen are objects.
2. I'm not sure whether this is a separate part or if it is simply a result of the above, but porno-sexuality lacks the engagement of natural, mature sex.
It has been a hard pill to swallow, but I have come to realize that I never learned how to engage a woman sexually. I am only now, at 28, starting to explore sex from my fiancee's point of view.
This is something that porn addiction simply obliterates. Actually, as addicts, engagement was simply something we never had to learn. I don't know about the rest of you, but my addiction to porn began long before I started having sex. Therefore my experience with sex was a result of my experience with porn. It was one and the same.
When using porn I was the only person that mattered, and so when I had sex I acted and behaved the same way.
But when we have sex there is another person.
A woman needs to be engaged sexually. I prefer engagement to the popular term seduced, because the latter implies passivity on the part of the woman. This implied passivity, this objectification is exactly what we have to leave behind as we overcome our addictions and attempt to build a new, healthier lifestyle.
A woman needs to be engaged as a human being. This means engaging her in general, by being romantic and funny and stimulating. It also means engaging her sexually. It is important to know how to turn her on and get her in the mood.
Alas, the only way to engage a woman sexually is to treat her like a whole, complete human being. You can't engage a bunch of body parts. You can't engage someone you objectify.
You have to make the decision to see the person. You have to decide not to look down.
That is what is required. We have to take back our sexuality. That is what it means to overcome our addiction. To take back our lives and focusing on our partners. That is what it is all about.