My Reboot Journal

[cordy212]

Cheers gooutside, your right I've got to try and be more disciplined with this, normally I'm ok but I work nights once a week 10pm-6am which can screw me over for the rest of the week sometimes.

Day 47 12/04/15

Damn! Last night had a semi wet dream, was weird, didn't wake up with my shorts wet through as they normally do with a wet dream but they were a bit wet. Today was pretty bad, this morning went well but this afternoon I started to get a bit depressed and when I feel down I tend to go into self destruct mode so I started masturbating and I edged for a while. I didn't use porn, no fantasy and didn't orgasm so for me it doesn't count as a relapse. How can I tell? I've relapse many times before and I know the symptoms I get after a relapse and I haven't had any, also I didn't P or O which are my two real big issues.

Anywayyy.. Got to learn from this, a mixture of a wet dream and feeling a bit depressed are definite issues for me, I didn't have any urge to masturbate, it all started just trying to get hard because I haven't been getting random hard ons lately and next thing I know I started masturbating  :-\

Got to look at bright side, didn't P or O and I can use this as a lesson as I strive for 60 days!

 

[cordy212]

Day 49 14/04/15

After my edging incident I've felt ok, not had any urges and I'm not feeling any of the anxiety or other symptoms that come along with a relapse. Haven't been very disciplined though, need to get back to doing some university work because deadline is approaching fast for coursework and I don't want to be getting to stressed or this will increase the risk of PMO.

Got couple of days off work and going to help my dad with fixing some things for my grandma which should be good, some hard labour is always a good thing, plan on going gym both days and doing this uni work!

Thoughts and urges of PMO are becoming less and less often just got to remain vigilant 

 

[miomio]

45 days! Awesome dude, well done.  8) 

In terms of the sleeping pattern thing, I've found getting up at roughly the same time everyday keeps me in a good cycle, even if I have a late night, I get up early so the next night I fall back into my usual pattern. Also f.lux is great for helping you feel sleepy at night if you're looking at a computer screen a lot.

I have just installed f.lux. This is one of the greatest software I have used in a while! I wish my blackberry would support this kind of screeen optimimzation!

 

[miomio]

Don't mean to post to often but just wanted to write down my thoughts so can look back at this.
Due to heavy video gaming and porn use in the past my posture got really bad over time, I then started going to the gym a few years ago and my posture just got worse. Over the last year or so I've made significant improvements in anterior pelvic tilit which has pretty much fixed and I did this through core training everyday and some glute work.

This last day or so my confidence has been pretty low because I've realized even though I've seen significant improvements in my kyphosis and forward head, it is still pretty bad and I would like to improves these. I perform daily exercises and hope that it gets better but I'm not sure whether it is, just thought I'd post this so I can self reflect in future because there are times when I can spend about an hour looking in the mirror assessing how bad it is. People I talk to about say its hardly noticeable and I know its not the worst posture in the world however I'm a bit of an obsessive and when I start thinking about it I can't stop.

Have you considered consulting a physiotherapist or osteopath?

I'm not familiar with the health system in the UK. In Germany I can schedule an appointment with an orthopedist, who will then supply me with the necessary referral to a physiotherapist. At the moment I have to pay around 30? for six appointments. I have been suffering from back and neck tensions, but also posture problems (hyperlordosis). Specialized balance workouts with my physiotherapist have improved my situation a lot. On a side note, they were also great to deal with my knee problems No advice on PMO though

 

[cordy212]

f.lux is great for helping you feel sleepy at night if you're looking at a computer screen a lot.

I've also just downloaded this software, thanks for the suggestion man hopefully it helps 

I'm not familiar with the health system in the UK. In Germany I can schedule an appointment with an orthopedist, who will then supply me with the necessary referral to a physiotherapist. At the moment I have to pay around 30? for six appointments. I have been suffering from back and neck tensions, but also posture problems (hyperlordosis). Specialized balance workouts with my physiotherapist have improved my situation a lot. On a side note, they were also great to deal with my knee problems No advice on PMO though

I imagine our health systems are similar, I can go to the doctors and they may refer me to a physiopherapist, problem is it's difficult to get a doctors appointment over here and I've been delaying it for some time. I've started doing some exercises to activate and strengthen my rhomboids which should hopefully help but I do need to go and see a doctor at some point. I also had neck and back pains and as you know it sucks and we really shouldn't be having it at our age  Glad to see you've had some success man 

 

[cordy212]

Day 50 16/04/15

Had a pretty good day, went to gym and completed a lot of uni work which makes me feel a lot more calm. Being day 50 I've been reflecting on the last 50 days of no PMO and as I already knew no PMO is definetly worth it. Anxiety has pretty much gone, I'm much more motivated and confident.
If anyone is reading though, it is important to state that no PMO isn't like a miracle drug, there are some issues that don't go away with no PMO and you still have to work on them. For example if I don't exercise or stay on top of work I can get pretty anxious and stressed out, however as stated no PMO gives you the motivation and will power to succeed in other areas of your life and that's what tends to make me happy.
Having a bit of a temporary drop in libido atm (no random hard ons or morning wood), this can be a bit of a vulnerable stage for me because if my libido is low I tend to try and get hard which can lead to M which in turn can lead to P and O.

 

[cordy212]

Day 52 17/04/15

Wet dream #3, bit surprised about this one as I haven't been feeling that horny lately. Again got to be wary of the chaser effect.
Was on nights at work yesterday and went well, I also gave blood and went to the gym before hand which kept me busy and hence my mind off PMO. Got work again in an hour and then another two shifts separated by 11 hours so going to be working a lot lately.

 

[mtaha2015]

you gave blood and wet dream.
lots of blood loss.
wow.
any ways, stay strong.
just let go the chaser effect.

 

[cordy212]

Day 54 20/04/15

Work, work, work. Spent last 6 days at work and got two more days until I get a day off, starting to feel like a bit of a zombie from it all.
On the PMO side, still no PMO. However in the night I began M'ing, again I was pretty much asleep, I didn't O but once again this has happened shortly after a wet dream!
Think it may again be down to losing a bit of discipline, haven't done much uni work due to being at work and won't get chance to exercise today as got another long day at work.
For the first time in a couple of weeks I got chance to go out last night with a few friends at the pub which was good fun, I have realized however that I seem to feel inferior to other people. This is evident in some of the girls I go after, my friends say I could do a lot better but I always say that a girl they suggest are out of my league. Going to work on changing this and when I get this feeling I'l remind myself that everyone is human and therefore no different to myself.

 

[mtaha2015]

work and blood loss made you zombie.
and made blood in your from abstaining from PMO and then you gave it away.

 

[cordy212]

Day 57 22/04/15

Finally had a day off work today! However hasn't turned out how I wanted, been feeling pretty down today and again when I start to feel down I go into self destruct mode and I started edging, I didn't O so again not classing as a relapse. Got to try and find a better way to deal with stress rather than just breaking down.

Sister's birthday in a few days and haven't bought a present or card yet, coursework deadline is fast approaching and I've got work at 6 am, a combination of all these led to being stressed and I gave in.

Anyway, plan on getting a grip starting from this moment, starting uni work and going to plan a lot better!

 

[cordy212]

Day 59 24/04/15

1 day off 60 days  Had some pretty bid urges today after wet dream #4 last night but managed to get through them, need to remember to keep visiting this website to stay on my toes. At the gym today was easily making conversation with people and even having a laugh with them, with PMO I was always to anxious to talk to strangers and there was no chance of having a decent conversation. This situation gives me motivation to keep at this

 

[cordy212]

Day 60 25/04/15

BIG day! Reached 60 days which is great  Going back to university tomorrow and hopefully I will see that I feel like a more confident person than the person who left a month ago but will have to wait and see.

This journal is starting to repeat itself but with going back to uni I'l have some different challenges that I will have to cope with which I'l be posting.

Had about 3 hours sleep last night before the start of a 10 hour shift, I wasn't in a very sociable mood in the morning, I think because of the lack of sleep and I slowly improved as the shift went on.

Resetting counter to 75 days, the other short term goal is to reach the end of exam period with no PMO which would bring me to about 100 days 

 

[cordy212]

Day 61 27/04/15

First day back at university, haven't had time to go gym in last couple of days which isn't great and I've got another really busy day tomorrow.

Realized tonight what I didn't really like this year about university, my flat mates are inconsiderate cunts. Went to bed at 12 because they were being load before they went out drinking (I can't go out because have two coursework hand-ins tuesday), they came back about 2ish and haven't shut up yet and are being very load trying to get on the roof of our building which you aren't meant to do.

I live with a bunch of first years and in the UK your first year doesn't count towards your final grade so none of my flat mates go to lectures and are just lazy in general (never wash up, never leave the flat unless to go drinking). It's not as if they even really have a good night, I've been out to clubs with them a few times and I can tell they aren't really having a good time whereas I tend to be having a much better time!

I'm not a first year student and I care about how I do on this degree whereas everyone I live with is just happy to pass. On top of all this they all seem to have pretty tragic lives when they go back, they just stay at home all the time because non of them work and they barely ever go out back home.

Tonight I'l let them off (even though this happened loads of times last term), but if this carries on throughout exams think I'l be knocking a few of them out. First term I was quite close to them due to me trying to get to know them but now I've realised they are twats I've distanced myself from them and try and spend minimal time around them, if I go out drinking I'l go out with mates from last year.
Last year me and my flatmates went out quite a lot however they and me were considerate when we got back to the flat which pisses me off so much about these twats.

6 more weeks of this academic year are left and next year I'l be in a flat full of finalists which should be much better. I'm thinking of doing another degree after this one which I'd need for the career I want, if I do, I'l definitely have to look into living on my own or with a couple of people because the degree I'm looking to do is one of the hardest courses and I won't be able to pass if I'm getting woke up 3 plus times a week.

Just for the record saying I want to live alone doesn't mean I'm a recluse, I have a few groups of great friends back home, however I just can't put up with this shit for any longer.

First lecture starts at 9 and I finish at 5, then I'l go gym and do coursework late into the night. My flatmates are going out drinking tomorrow again (because they do easy courses and don't care what grade they get) so I expect getting another 3 hours sleep tomorrow!

Summary
I'm pissed off!

 

[cordy212]

Realized that PMO isn't dead and gone atm, just been looking at the football scores (soccer) and an advertisement came up in the corner saying what porn stars look like when they aren't on camera. There wouldn't have been any nudity but If I would have clicked it It would have most definitely led to PMO. I haven't clicked on it and I know I shouldn't but I can feel my brain trying to make me to.

Also my flatmates still haven't shut up, they went out for 2 hours and have been up pissing about for more than 2 hours here in the flat and it's nearly 5am. I don't understand that when they go out they only last a couple of hours but will gladly stay up for more than that when they get back and talk absolute bullshit! I can hear a girl is absolutely wrecked and people are pretty much just laughing at her.
Anyway I'm going to stop talking about this as it's just pissing me off, need to remember how pissed off I feel though so that I don't forgive them because they don't deserve it.

 

[cordy212]

Day 62

3 wet dreams last night ! Never had this happen before  Hopefully the chaser effect isn't greater with multiple O's in one sleep

 

[cordy212]

FUCK!!
PMO'd 2 days ago and  :-\ All started just trying to get a hard on because I felt like my libido was low for a few days. I then typed 'ass' in images , I didn't even masturbate but I orgasmed pretty much without touch!

Was considering whether or not to post in the last couple of days because I've been unsure whether this was actually a relapse because I didn't masturbate and it wasn't actually porn, was porn substitute.

However these last couple of days I've been very anxious, not only that but I've found conversation very difficult these last couple of days, I haven't genuinely smiled in the last two days and I can't fully listen to anyone.

So frustrated because I've thrown so much progress away, not only that but when I could feel I was going to orgasm I was hoping that it wasn't going to happen but It couldn't be stopped and there was no satisfaction at all when it happened. Dick feels really limp and testicles feel shriveled up most of the day.

Just got to remember I've been in this situation a fair few times and I can make it through these next few weeks before I start to feel ok again. That's the problem though, I know I won't feel good again for a few weeks therefore I see these next few weeks as a big waste especially when I'm at university and should be enjoying myself.

What else can I do but start again? That's all we can do when it happens  :-\

This time round I'm going to change my K9 safe search settings and then give a password I won't remember.

 

[cordy212]

Day 3

Been work all day and felt anxious at first and not like my normal self. Started to feel better by the end of my shift, however, I know I'm not as confident as I was before I PMO'd  :-\

Anywayy.. Work all day tomorrow, the plan is then to make it through to next weekend with no PMO and hopefully by then I will be feeling more confident again 

 

[cordy212]

Day 4

Felt pretty average all day, I can still tell my confidence hasn't recovered, went to work and have been pretty quiet to my colleagues.

Just come back to apartment where my flatmates and some other people are having a party on the street, I really don't feel like going outside though because a lot of people will be drunk and I can't deal with drunk people when I feel like this.

Work again all day tomorrow, going to try and see if can make the gym in the morning and hopefully that will help me feel better!

 

[presson]

Hey, just read through your journal and wanted to let you know that I found it really encouraging. The streak you managed to put together is impressive and the commitment you show in getting back on track after relapsing is encouraging. Keep up the good work man! I'd also be interested in hearing what strategies you found helped you get the point that you did, I haven't been able to breach the two week point in the longest time.