My Reboot Journal

[cordy212]

Congrats on the 30 days- awesome. Journal's great- looks like you've got good consistency so far, keep it up.

Also congrats on the date and having solid self control when it didn't work out- sounds like you did the decent thing there.

Thanks for the encouragment bro , was unsure whether I made the right decision about this girl but I've just got to go with my instinct.

Day 31

First weekend off work in ages, was planning on doing lots of revision this weekend, going to the gym and wash my clothes. But... None so far :-\ I've been woken up in the middle of the night by my flatmates the last two nights and I must get woken up at 4a.m at least 3 times a week. This is immensely frustrating because when it comes to days like this when I really need to get things done I'm just exhausted, I've been laid in bed for the last 3 hours not doing anything, not sleeping, not on the internet, just staring at the wall all zombied out.

Really hope it's not like this again next year because next years a very demanding year, if it is I will have to have words with the university about moving apartment.

No PMO still going good, no urges as of late, been getting lots of random erections but haven't been tempted to M. As I've said though today looks like being a very unproductive day so I need to be careful to not lose discipline on no PMO.

Yesterday had to have meeting with staff at university because they've found drugs in our apartment on numerous occasions, of course I didn't tell them whose they are but it is getting a bit annoying that I'm getting dragged into this.

Hope I don't get woke up tonight and that I feel better tomorrow 

 

[cordy212]

Day 34

Last few days haven't been hugely eventful, been to the gym last 3 days and been revising which is about all I've done  Been reading a lot of journals lately and whenever I get about a month into a reboot I find trying to provide advice to other rebooters really helps with my own.
One change that I've made lately is to stop listening to music, I know this sounds crazy but I normally always listen to music. I've found that by cutting this out I can hear my thoughts a lot better, also if I get tempted to PMO I can listen to the rational part of my brain, with music I tend to be more eratic. This may or may not actually be having an effect but it feels like it is so I will continue.

Apart from PMO I've got some other issues that I'd like to sort in my life and these last couple of days I've been thinking about it a lot and I tend to get a bit overwhelmed and frustrated. To avoid this I'm going to try and sort things out one at a time. At the moment the problem I'm going to focus on is shoulder pain, my left shoulder hurts if I try and carry anything in my left hand or raise my left hand. I've been to a physio and she did some crazy stuff to my shoulder and told me to perform some rehab exercises. So... that's what I'm focusing on fixing atm and I will leave other issues until this is sorted that way I won't feel overwhelmed and get depressed.

Plans for rest of week are... couple of exams so will be working hard. At the weekend it's a friends birthday so will be going out for that which I'l definitely be needing after these exams 

 

[mtaha2015]

good luck for  your exams.
stay good.
stay healthy
stay porn free

 

[CrazyGopher]

Greetings Man of Steel,

One change that I've made lately is to stop listening to music, I know this sounds crazy but I normally always listen to music. I've found that by cutting this out I can hear my thoughts a lot better, also if I get tempted to PMO I can listen to the rational part of my brain, with music I tend to be more eratic.

I have had the same experience: music is fun and stimulating, but it is easier to be mindful without it.

Anyway, good luck with your exams, and congrats on 34 days! You are really on the road to success.

 

[cordy212]

good luck for  your exams.
stay good.
stay healthy
stay porn free

Thanks for the encouragement as always Taha  Appreciated man.

I have had the same experience: music is fun and stimulating, but it is easier to be mindful without it.

Anyway, good luck with your exams, and congrats on 34 days! You are really on the road to success.

Thanks for stopping by CrazyGopher, good to see that I'm not alone in thinking that, if it wasn't for cutting it out I feel I may have succumbed already. Also thanks for the wishing good luck for my exams, I'll need it 

 

[cordy212]

Day 36

From my last journal entry I stated that I must focus on improving myself one step at a time, this hasn't really happened in the last couple of days and I've been feeling overwhelmed and a bit anxious.

Had an exam yesterday morning and it went so-so, think I've done okay but the questions were very vague that it was a bit confusing as to what I was supposed to write about. Anywayy.. No time to dwell on the past, got another exam shortly and really have to get my head down. Got a fair distance between my next and my last exam which is both good and bad, good as it gives me plenty of time to prepare but also bad because it gives me more spare time and more spare time= increase risk of PMO.

Because of this anxious feeling I've had over the last couple of days I'm feeling slightly anxious about going out for my friends birthday at the weekend, we are really good mates so this anxiety should not be merited but I'm anxious about being anxious if that makes sense. I don't want to turn up feeling like my anxious self and this in turn makes me anxious 

No PMO still going good and not had any urges, I do sometimes get lost in fantasy without even realizing it until I finally snap out of it.

 

[cordy212]

Day 37

Had an exam today and went okay, found a couple of questions difficult but the rest of them were ok. Went to gym and then to the supermarket after. Unexpectedly I ended up going out to a nightclub and all in all it was ok, had a pretty decent time, had no anxiety but at the same time didn't interact with anyone who I didn't already know on a decent level.

Got to wake up early to go to the gym, from the gym I'm planning on going straight to my friends house for his birthday and then going to hit some clubs with him. This is all good but I will probably feel pretty fragile after tonight's drinking 

No PMO still going good, had boner for most of the morning but haven't had urge to M. Seems like one of my flatmates is really anti-porn from his experiences in the past. We have talked about the harmful effects of porn on modern day manhood but I've never told him of the true extent of my past P use.

 

[cordy212]

Day 39

Finally laid down  After going out friday night I woke up after about 5 hours, went to the gym and then hopped straight on the train to go out for my mates birthday. Was a long day/night and was drinking for about 13 hours. Was good time, I didn't actually know any of the people as they were all his university friends and my other mate who was supposed to go couldn't make it. Got to know his uni friends pretty quickly and we had a decent laugh together 

Just got back to university and have ordered a pizza for delivery (I never have or order takeaway), thought seen as I've been eating pretty bad and drinking lots this weekend I may as well have pizza and start afresh tomorrow.

Haven't had the time to even think about PMO which is great, plans for the week ahead are to revise for my last exam, go gym regularly, wash clothes and then go to work this weekend 

 

[cordy212]

Day 42

Last few days have been.. uneventful you can say.
I got a back injury the other day and it was such a sharp pain that I couldn't walk. I sat in the toilet of the gym for 2 hours to see if the pain would get a bit better but it didn't so I had to do the embarrassing thing of ringing a flatmate to come pick me up. Walking outside to the car park was extremely difficult and painful, I looked like a right idiot too by the way I was walking.

So for the last few days I haven't moved out of my bed and the pain is still there, it's on one side of my lower back and I can't stand up straight. I've had similar injuries to this before so I'm not panicking, however if I still can't walk tomorrow I'm going to have to make it to the hospital some how. Problem is with a back injury is it just stops you and you can't even walk so I haven't really ate anything in 2 days and all been doing is watching youtube videos.

For the rest of the day I'm going to try and read and possibly revise for my last exam. All this youtube is making me feel dumb and I need to stop it to prevent a downward spiral to PMO. Fingers crossed I'll be better tomorrow 

 

[presson]

Hey man, that sucks about the injury. Hope that clears up for you soon. Smart move to shift to doing some more productive tasks. Hope your exam goes well.

 

[cordy212]

Hey man, that sucks about the injury. Hope that clears up for you soon. Smart move to shift to doing some more productive tasks. Hope your exam goes well.

Thanks as always presson

Day 44

Back is finally better and I'm back to walking again which is great after 5 days laid in bed Went to doctors and she said it was just muscular and she referred me to anoother physiotherapist when I get back from university. In the last couple of days I've just been revising for this exam on Monday which is my last one 

Been thinking these last fews days that I seem to be getting a bit self centred. This isn't my nature as a person and I feel it may be due to PMO. Before my PMO days I was a happy guy and had no real issues about myself therefore I focussed a lot of my energy on thinking of other people and helping other people, these days I have a few personal issues (PMO being one of them) that I'd like to try and sort out to make myself the person I want to be however by focussing on these I've lost touch a bit in thinking about others such as family and friends and I'd really like to get back to this. I know my mum and grandma love it when I get in contact with them regularly but I always say that I'm very busy, this is true but at the same time I really should make some time for them especially after all the care they invested in my childhood and making my childhood a very happy time.

I know this is going off the PMO tangent a bit but I feel this journal is becoming more like a diary to not only remove PMO but also improve my and people who I'm close to's lives.

Working night shifts over the weekend which will keep me busy, will try and go to the gym but if my back isn't feeling 100% I'll pass. Also will be revising for this exam Monday.

 

[OneLifeForm]

Congrats man!

You're just a hair away from reaching your goal.

It would be fantastic if porn were THE problem.. how easy that would be really because after we rid ourselves of it then we would be perfectly ok.

But that isn't the case, the PMO is a symptom of our problem.. and truly the problem is simply a swamp of self centered fear.

It goes deeper than that because obviously we are not fear at our core.

By moving towards that core and facing the demons blocking it we become liberated from the fear.

It is like a flashlight when it is pitch black in the room. The flashlight is our awareness and the fear of the darkness is our fear and the unknown of what might be crawling around under our bed or hiding in our closet waiting to get us but with that flashlight of awareness we can take that initial step off of the bed and look under it with that light and see that there was in fact nothing to be afraid of and no fear at all in the first place just extremely deep rooted negative patterns.

So we can only aim that awareness at one thing at a time while we are stumbling around in the darkness of our ignorance or the batteries may seem to go out completely at times but we need to take refuge in a wisdom more powerful than our ignorance.

The more we keep using the flashlight the greater our vision becomes and the less we are trapped by fear so even when the flashlight isn't working, even though we are entrenched in the fear we have the wisdom of having been through it before. We have seen it. We are ok.

We just have to have faith in the process and understand that we are capable of real true lasting change and healing.

 

[cordy212]

It is like a flashlight when it is pitch black in the room. The flashlight is our awareness and the fear of the darkness is our fear and the unknown of what might be crawling around under our bed or hiding in our closet waiting to get us but with that flashlight of awareness we can take that initial step off of the bed and look under it with that light and see that there was in fact nothing to be afraid of and no fear at all in the first place just extremely deep rooted negative patterns.

Love the metaphor man  We are only human and therefore there will always be imperfections, however like your metaphor says we can search in the darkness to see where we can improve ourselves and even though we will never be perfect it's still acceptable to strive for perfection.

 

[cordy212]

Day 54

Where do I start 

Left laptop at home so haven't been able to post in the last 10 days, just got back for the summer break from university.

13th/14th June - Back finally felt better and could start walking. Went to work both days until 2a.m, both shifts went well, I just felt really good being able to function again after the back injury

Mon 15th - Last exam! Think went okay, didn't get as much revision done as I planned mainly due to the back injury but was just glad to get it over and done with. Went to the gym and took it pretty easy to make sure I didn't hurt my back again.

Tue 16th - Fri 19th - For everyone of these days I did exactly the same, went to the gym in the day time and went to nightclubs everynight 

20th & 21st Worked night shifts both nights and went well, was very tired though after having 4 nights out in a row. After my saturday shift I invited some friends round and we had some drinks which was pretty good.

22nd After finishing work at 2a.m couldn't fall asleep until 7  because of the flu I've just got. Is probably from drinking 5 days in a row and having very little sleep. Got picked up from uni at 12 and have took all my possesions back home. Plans for the rest of the day are to sort out all the stuff I've just brought back and just chill out because I'm still feeling a bit ill.

Overall
The last 10 days have been very good, I feel that not having access to the internet has been great. Unfortunately I can't make that a permanent thing because I have to do most of my uni work online but after I finish my studies for good I will consider selling any internet devices I have and going to the library if I really need the internet.
I've had zero urges, probably because I haven't been on the internet, also anxiety hasn't been a problem. These benefits have also probably been because I've been so busy over the last 10 days.
Need to be careful this next week however because as I've mentioned in a previous journal entry transitions can be a vulnerable time for me and I have to be careful to not PMO as I transition from uni life to life back at home.

60 Days here I come ( hopefully)

 

[cordy212]

Day 61

Tue & Wed - Worked two night shifts on these days and went to the gym in the day time with a friend. Sounds a bit odd but I don't really like going to the gym with other people, I like to get in there work hard and get done what needs to be done and get out of there, when you go with someone else it becomes more of a social event.

Thursday Sleeping pattern really messed up after the two overnights, woke up at 8p.m! Ended up going to the gym at 2a.m as I had nothing else to do and if I stayed at home I'd be at risk of PMO. The gym hasn't been going very well lately as I've definitely got weaker and less flexible after my back injury. Just got to stick at it though and I know it will all come back in time.
Fri Much of the same as yesterday, sleeping pattern messed up so when I woke up I couldn't do any of the things I need to do as everywhere is closed. Started to feel a bit down and considered P. I don't think it was a serious consideration but it was still worrying.

Sat Fell asleep at 7a.m and woke up at 9a.m for work that started at 10a.m. Work actually went okay but when I got home I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow.
Sun Woke up at 4a.m for a 5a.m start at work and work went very well. At the end of my shift my manager said that she wants me to go for management, I accepted the opportunity but I have to do a lot of paperwork and other tests for it to be finalized.

Mon Woke up at midday after a 14 hour sleep  Bit annoyed as I set my alarm for 7 but slept through it, haven't got work today but I don't want my sleeping pattern to be screwed up again.

Overall - Been an okay week, gym hasn't been great but I am starting to feel like my body is starting to recover. Have had the flu all week and it shows no sign of going away which is annoying. Had no huge urges to PMO except that 1 time when I thought about it (even though I knew I wouldn't act upon it), I have been thinking about sex quite a lot though. I'm happy about going for management at work but I too realize that I need to put a lot of work into it in order to pass the tests, I also need to make sure that every shift I am working hard and showing people I deserve the promotion. Plans for the rest of the day are to go to the gym, cook some meals for the rest of the week and hopefully go shopping 

 

[cordy212]

Been a very long time without posting and that has been intentional... I do believe websites like this are very important for spreading awareness of porn addiction and also for increasing success rate in terms of quitting PMO. However for myself I feel that regularly posting just keeps me reminded of porn and therefore increases my chance of PMO.

I'm posting just for future reference so that in the future I can reflect on how I feel at the present.

Since my last post lots of stuff has happened.. I went through my last year of university and passed with a good grade and I am currently applying for multiple jobs whilst still working at a remedial low paying job. I've made lots of progress in the gym and continue to train as passionately as ever which is great. On the female front I had sex with a few girls in the last year, the most recent turned into a relationship that spanned 3 months until ending recently.

In terms of PMO i went a long time of about 6 months with no PMO and felt pretty good. Had issues with no enjoying parts of university and also feel like I'm wasting time in my present job but I feel these issues are pretty natural. The last couple of months I have MO'd pretty consistently and PMO'd a couple of times, I feel like these incidents haven't affected me as much as they used to which is a great sign. However I am getting the feelings of anxiety in social situations and the lack of interest in making deep relationships again which is troubling.

The most recent girl I was seeing broke it off because I didn't seem interested.. I feel like this was due to the fact that I didn't truely believe that it would last and that I didn't feel like we were right together. However I believe PMO did add the fact of me being uninterested.

Overall I feel pretty good but do feel like I need to cut PMO out of my life because I feel like I'm losing the zest for life that I once had, social situations don't seem as stimulating and I stray away from the development of new relationships. I won't post on this site for a long time again probably for the reason already stated and I won't count the days free from PMO as I feel this keeps the thought of PMO in my head.

Moving forward I hope to get a new job, remove PMO from my life again and start to live life a bit more again