Conquer. Personal Growth.

[tkn0]

I never want to go back to that destructive crap called porn. I swear, brothers.

I am so happy for you man, I feel we are on the same page... it seems you have gotten past those days of "is this really going to work?"
The thoughts of going back to PMO now, just seems like darkness. Why the hell do I want to go back to that? you feel the same?

 

[robust]

I never want to go back to that destructive crap called porn. I swear, brothers.

I am so happy for you man, I feel we are on the same page... it seems you have gotten past those days of "is this really going to work?"
The thoughts of going back to PMO now, just seems like darkness. Why the hell do I want to go back to that? you feel the same?

Yeah, success seems to be the only option now. It's like waking up out of the matrix, man. Going back would mean to deny myself. I don't want to live a lie.

 

[Partingglass]

I just wanted to say that seeing your story has inspired me to really figure my problem out and start healing.  I am very similar to you in many ways and knowing there is someone out there like me after I have spent years feeling like I was abnormal is such an relief. I will post my story soon. Keep strong brother, I am gonna send you some strength and I hope you send me some too

 

[robust]

I just wanted to say that seeing your story has inspired me to really figure my problem out and start healing.  I am very similar to you in many ways and knowing there is someone out there like me after I have spent years feeling like I was abnormal is such an relief. I will post my story soon. Keep strong brother, I am gonna send you some strength and I hope you send me some too

Damn, brother. That hits me deep. I'm expierencing a huge amount of compasion and I don't know why. It's just so nice to realize that I "moved something". You Sir, you made my day. 8) I'm looking forward for your journal. It's and affair of honor for me to participate. You don't have to "hope" for my support, I'll be as supportive as possible. For now, let me give you one tip, man. Regarding yourself as "abnormal" is quite is nice thing, bro. But put it into a positive frame. Don't look back telling yourself that you were awkward, creepy or whatever. Don't do that. Look forward, right into the future. Tell yourself that you actually want to be abnormal. How many guys can overcome and addiction? Not too many, man. Most guys with an addiction (sorry, but I want to be honest now) will relapse over and over again and never become clean. Most guys fail (of course not the people here in this forum - all of you are strong ). With regards to their addiction, with regards to their lifes, their finances, their jobs, their relationships. That's my view of the world. Not being normal by overcoming and doing something that others can't accomplish now seems attractive. This mindset keeps me going every single day, no matter what I do. Being standard or normal would be my death (you won't be above average in all categories in life, but you will be in those you put work, effort and talent in. And you need a huge amount of luck too..). So please, never become that normal guy. Be the one who conquers. Be a predator. 8)

Which brings me to my entry for today.

Penis and testicles unchanged. Still a little smaller than usual. But I think there is color coming back to the glans. I didn't sleep well. Slight morning wood. Urges in the morning. All in all, today didn't differ from the last days. Not masturbating becomes natural, I think. I'm looking forward for further experiences.

I went to a mall to buy some stuff I needed. Every store that I entered and every store that I left was not the same as it has been before. Of course this is just a feeling/impression of mine, but whenever I entered, the whole damn room got smaller. ;D Talking to shop assistants now became easy and even pleasant (I never had issues to talk to people, but the way I feel about it has obviously changed). Damn, there are more nice people out there than I thought. There are no "magical superpowers", mates. But you will definitely feel better with yourself. Furthermore, being naked is more comfortable (of course not in the mall 8)). In my flat, I could walk around naked all day long. And no, I'm not writing this post naked. 8) And yo, another thing, mates. You won't guess it, but gras is truly green. Man, I don't know why but everything seems so colorful now. The blonde hair of some girls now.. Just like the blooming wheat on our fields.

By the way: I didn't eat any junkfood for exactly one month now. I never ate much and I'm not going to abstain from the good stuff in life. However, there's no reason for me to eat a pizza or something like that right now. If you're interested read about the Warrior Diet by Ori Hofmekler. Or Intermittent Fasting in general. I'm following this diet for a long time now. That's one of the best things ever happened to me.

No sports today. I'm reading about "Love". Richard David Precht - Love. Philosophy of mind. Nice stuff. I don't know whether this book is available in english.

Thursday, the 1st of April, I want to be under 220 pounds bodyweight.

Life sucks, guys. But you can make the best out of it. Accomplish and conquer. Be afraid.

Song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsO3sN4Xp5Y. Some r'n'b. He sings about his love to music, not about that girl in the clip. Kinda irritating.

I'm Done.


Edit: More than 100 members on this board. Nice. Keep on working, Gabe. 8)

 

[Gabe Deem]

@robust

Intermittent Fasting in general. I'm following this diet for a long time now. That's one of the best things ever happened to me.

Dude... Intermittent fasting helped me gain so much discipline last year as well as cut down to 5% body fat. Did you know that intermittent fasting has been shown to increase dopamine (D2) receptors, which could suggest an increase in motivation.

Study:http://www.bnl.gov/thanoslab/Thanos%20PDF/ZuckerD2_2007.pdf

Keep up the journal man, as well as staying busy with other healthy things, your doing great.

 

[robust]

@robust

Intermittent Fasting in general. I'm following this diet for a long time now. That's one of the best things ever happened to me.

Dude... Intermittent fasting helped me gain so much discipline last year as well as cut down to 5% body fat. Did you know that intermittent fasting has been shown to increase dopamine (D2) receptors, which could suggest an increase in motivation.

Study:http://www.bnl.gov/thanoslab/Thanos%20PDF/ZuckerD2_2007.pdf

Keep up the journal man, as well as staying busy with other healthy things, your doing great.

I didn't know about the receptors. I've got some time now, so I'll read that article. Thanks, mate. One thing that I could accomplish by following this way of dieting is what I call the "predator-instinct", just like Hofmekler describes in his book. By fasting a long time, I'm becoming literally hungry. I want to go "hunting". This is such a cool effect. Focus, concentration and willpower will be improved as well as your strength. I want to lose fat now, so I'm fasting for 20 hours. If I wanted to gain some mass, I'd fast for 16 hours.

5% bodyfat.. Well done, bro.

 

[Card]

Good luck! Inspiring to see you so energetic about it all. Keep strong and positive.

 

[robust]

Good luck! Inspiring to see you so energetic about it all. Keep strong and positive.

Thanks.

Speaking of being energetic.. I can't sleep.. Man, that sucks. Third or fourth day in row now. In the beginning, I slept like a baby and had a lot of dreams. But the last days.. It's not the cravings (they exist, but I can deal with them). I just cannot fall asleep. And if I do, I'm waking up after a short time. Been laying here for an hour. I decided to just get up. Mind is telling me to masturbate in order to get some sleep. Fuuu.

Until later, brothers.

 

[tkn0]

Speaking of being energetic.. I can't sleep..

Do you drink caffeine?
You should try listening to some ambient music before going to sleep.

Here is a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3Tbvah7waU
Try to imagine that you are drifting away in a spaceship, alone, away to distant planets and universes. It really helps to put perspective on life and the everyday routines of life on planet earth.

It helps me alot atleast.

Mind is telling me to masturbate in order to get some sleep. Fuuu.

This is a classic mindtrick... you are stronger than those urges. You know it.
I think its worth it anyways, I can sacrifice a few hours sleep to not relapse. Hope the ambient stuff works for you mate.
If you didn't enjoy the link, just tell me. I have alot more were that came from ^^

Peace

 

[robust]

Do you drink caffeine?
You should try listening to some ambient music before going to sleep.

Here is a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3Tbvah7waU
Try to imagine that you are drifting away in a spaceship, alone, away to distant planets and universes. It really helps to put perspective on life and the everyday routines of life on planet earth.

It helps me alot atleast.

That's a fine link, dude. I'll remember this one. What I like to listen to in the evening is that kind of stuff:

1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Bm9F3GFnik !!!!!!!!!!!

2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQ9OWMsJBTk

3. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvGCqOEqNW8

4. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L28CnhmeAD4

It helps me "meditating". I'm just sitting there and do nothing. Sometimes, I do some static stretching before that.

This is a classic mindtrick... you are stronger than those urges. You know it.
I think its worth it anyways, I can sacrifice a few hours sleep to not relapse. Hope the ambient stuff works for you mate.
If you didn't enjoy the link, just tell me. I have alot more were that came from ^^

Peace

Nah, no caffeine. And if, only in the morning.

Yeah, I'm stronger than the urges. But not only stronger than them, I'm also stronger than my mind. I own a savage body. I just rowed for 3.1 miles. As fast as I could. 20:14. 8) I'm dead now. I had to breathe stertorously. In the afternoon, I'm planning another gym session.

Got shit to do, see you later, people.

 

[Partingglass]

Journal is posted brother, just read your updates, good stuff.  Been listening to a lot of the music you posted. My father is off the boat from Scotland so I grew up on celtic and world music, I can truly appreciate what you are posting. 

Get under 220! stick to that goal!! I just realized something and did some more research.  On my deployments (read my story) I wouldn't masterbate nearly as much as I do on land, like down from three or four times a day to one or none. I always had no trouble dropping weight and maintaining my muscle mass. I would drop around 8-10 lbs a month.  On land when I am jerkin it a lot I feel lazy, sluggish and slow, and my weight always goes back up to 250 where it stays, despite hours in the gym and pool and eating right.  On deployment my weight settles in much lower and I drop to the 230 range without much effort. So I am hoping if I can stick with this, it will be the missing key to why my body fat always goes up. I am 6'1" BTW

 

[robust]

Journal is posted brother, just read your updates, good stuff.  Been listening to a lot of the music you posted. My father is off the boat from Scotland so I grew up on celtic and world music, I can truly appreciate what you are posting. 

Get under 220! stick to that goal!! I just realized something and did some more research.  On my deployments (read my story) I wouldn't masterbate nearly as much as I do on land, like down from three or four times a day to one or none. I always had no trouble dropping weight and maintaining my muscle mass. I would drop around 8-10 lbs a month.  On land when I am jerkin it a lot I feel lazy, sluggish and slow, and my weight always goes back up to 250 where it stays, despite hours in the gym and pool and eating right.  On deployment my weight settles in much lower and I drop to the 230 range without much effort. So I am hoping if I can stick with this, it will be the missing key to why my body fat always goes up. I am 6'1" BTW

More good music is about to come. 8)

The 220 won't be a big deal. I can "easily" control my weight. Since I quit masturbating, my shape got better (well, I'm also on a deficit.. Both of it plays a role, I think). I'm 5'9''. (I always have to google feet and pounds..)) One question: How are your eating-patterns during your deployments? Are they any different from the ones at home?

Todays entry, mates. 8)

You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!

Well, everything went better than expected. I'm not tired at all, although I slept pretty bad. I almost killed myself by rowing those 20 minutes, but it was amazing. It's one of those days, you know.. Hunt or be hunted. And I hunted. It's amazing how one can turn shit into gold (can I say it like this?!). My mind wanted to play rough, so I had to prove who the boss is. 8) At noon, I had a massage (I sometimes go to the saloon as a "reward"). Damn, my muscles were tight as hell. The masseuse (a skinny and petite woman) had struggles to massage me with her hands, so she had to step on me with her feet. ;D Another short but sweet gym-session, and now I'm here. In between I did some reading, which will continue now. In the evening, I'm going to meet some people.

Penis and glans seem to be a little larger today. Testicles are hanging there, firm and thick. Seems to be a progress.

Talking to people and make them laugh got easier. Women are looking after me. Many of them have beautiful eye-colors. Could lead a promising conversation with the girl, who's working at the gym (I always talk to the employees, but now I feel more comfortable with it). Self-esteem seems to raise. Suddenly, I'm starting to realize my own "market-value", not only with regards to women. My self-talk is improving. Thinking gets limited to things that deserve to be thought about. No brooding over senseless shit anymore. In contrast, feelings are getting stronger. I'm fine with that, although the "negative" emotions are more present as well (I think that there are no positive or negative emotion - the evaluation makes them "good" or "bad"). Well, better than not sensing them at all, isn't it? There are already so many aspects, brothers. And hopefully even more to be discovered.

Song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Uo79SqjYK4. Falkenbach again. That song gave me so much power while rowing. Incredible. I wish, it was winter again.  :'(

Nice day. Done.

 

[Partingglass]

My eating is much more regular on the deployments as I have a set schedule with lunch and dinner the same time most days, which helps but I am decent at controlling what I eat on land as well, hopefully this journey can help me with my discipline as well though and I can step everything up a notch.

 

[robust]

Current situation:

- slept bad
- had a nice gym session (20 pull ups in one set, never done that many before; don't know why this is possible in my current mood..)
- crave for junk food (can taste it on my tongue already..)
- crave for masturbation
- tired, which leads to a kind of lethargy
- don't know what to do. 
- everything sucks

I just needed to write that down. Otherwise, I would probably do something I'd regret afterwards. Cold shower incoming. Gotta haul out the big guns, I guess.

I'll report in the evening.

 

[tkn0]

Current situation:

- slept bad
- had a nice gym session (20 pull ups in one set, never done that many before; don't know why this is possible in my current mood..)
- crave for junk food (can taste it on my tongue already..)
- crave for masturbation
- tired, which leads to a kind of lethargy
- don't know what to do. 
- everything sucks

I just needed to write that down. Otherwise, I would probably do something I'd regret afterwards. Cold shower incoming. Gotta haul out the big guns, I guess.

I'll report in the evening.

Hey man, sounds like you are having a hard time atm.
I had one of those days earlier, it really helped me to just get on youtube and watch happy and educational movies or clips.
Try it.

 

[robust]

Current situation:

- slept bad
- had a nice gym session (20 pull ups in one set, never done that many before; don't know why this is possible in my current mood..)
- crave for junk food (can taste it on my tongue already..)
- crave for masturbation
- tired, which leads to a kind of lethargy
- don't know what to do. 
- everything sucks

I just needed to write that down. Otherwise, I would probably do something I'd regret afterwards. Cold shower incoming. Gotta haul out the big guns, I guess.

I'll report in the evening.

Hey man, sounds like you are having a hard time atm.
I had one of those days earlier, it really helped me to just get on youtube and watch happy and educational movies or clips.
Try it.

Didn't watch happy stuff, but hit the gym again. But thanks for the advice.

Really, brothers. If you're down, just show that little snitch inside of your head who he's playing with. Like yesterday, this day turned into something nice. After my entry in the morning, I bought food, did some research for an upcoming term paper and rowed again (13km in one hour) and meditated for 30 minutes. Now it's time to eat and rest.

Some observations of today:

- one girl that I know told my I looked relaxed (which I'm defenitely not), as if I just returned from a vacation
- especially women are making friendly gestures, like holding the door open for me
- there's nothing wrong with being "tired"
- if you think that you cannot go anymore, go harder
- don't take warm showers (I actually did this morning because I thought I wasn't in the mood for cold water due to the tiredness), they can be the reason why you play with your little friend (which I didn't do, but almost; when I realized what I was about to do, Iturned to cold water immediately)
- my attitude towards women is oldschool: it's great to hold doors open; also paying the bill (which I did yesterday night) and all that kind of stuff.. I don't like the word "gentleman", but I think that's what I'd like to be/what I am (in a way)

My shape is getting better and better, strength is going up. Looking forward to the 220. My penis is also getting into "shape". I'm not sure whether I'm flatlined or not. There are morning woods and I'm horny in the morning. During the day, there is almost nothing. What I can say for sure is that there is more feeling in (on, at?) the glans. From time to time, I can feel it rubbing my pants.

After meditating, I had a strange feeling. I wondered, whether this whole thing here (the reboot, the ED, those many wasted years, ...) are really reality. Assumed I started to watch porn at the age of fourteen.. That would make eight years. What the heck, man. It seems so unreal. This can't be me, brothers. It seems as if the brain realizes what it has been doing. Well, or I'm just tired. :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIjbuVvAX9Q. Enjoy.

That's it, basically. Tomorrow will be day 20. I'm looking forward to it. For now, there are some nice and fresh fruits waiting for me. Having said this:

I'm done.

 

[robust]

It's day 20. I won't be able to post later, so I'll do it now.

First of all: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3a7D3tK3Ux4. Best.

Woke up several times last night, but it seems to get better. I dreamt again and I feel way more rested. When I laid in bed last evening, I got an insane boner. Not quite a "rage boner", but pretty closte to the 100. Lasted quite a time.

I feel like Neo (matrix) at the moment. Don't know why. But it fits perfectly. The first time was hard. I decided to take the pill, there were and will be hurdles. But it's getting better and better. Looking forward to meet my Trinity. 8)

Done.

 

[tkn0]

I feel like Neo (matrix) at the moment.

Good analogy, I can agree on that!
Lets see how far this rabbit hole goes

 

[robust]

I feel like Neo (matrix) at the moment.

Good analogy, I can agree on that!
Lets see how far this rabbit hole goes

To the top.

Since my last entry, so much happened. I won't post the whole story, let me just give a brief summary.

I went to a club with some buddies of mine. There were two doormen (one male, one female), who both became my "friends". While standing in front of the club with them, people actually thought I was the doorman. People came to me and wanted to pay and show their entrance-stamps and all that stuff. The shift of the female doorman (let's call her T.) ended, she came back later to make party. Long story short: she came to me, we talked and we ended dancing and walking around hand in hand. She was the beauty of the club. Major league. No joke. When call a woman beautiful, then she is. Everybody was staring at us. Guys went out of my way. Girls were looking after us. Pale blue shining eyes. Freckles. Shining white teeth. Will never forget this. Got her number, but I don't know whether I'll call her. She has a fine character too. But I didn't/don't feel anything. We'll see. The whole evening was dope. There happened many other things in that club. But I don't want to write it down now. Just believe that I had a great time (totally sober..). 8)

Furthermore, my crush just wrote me an hour ago. She wants to meet me. We've got a "date" (hate that word) soon. I invited her to my favorite restaurant. She embraced the invitation. I'll report.

Abs are more and more visible.

My favorite rapper (I used to listen to rap only in the past; nowadays, I only listen to some old tunes) just dropped a new album. I bought it. Nicest tape since a long time. I didn't bang my head to the beat for years.

Huge morning wood. Didn't disappear. I'm so damn horny. Even right now. But I won't masturbate. The experiences I made during the last three weeks are strong enough to keep me going. Penis huge, testicles relaxed. Glans has changed its color. Still, there's a long way to go.

My workout-schedule tells me to benchpress today. PR incoming (on reps).

I might eat a pizza today.

Song of the day (no joke): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVp-zIONsrs.

See you. I'm done (for now 8)).

 

[robust]

I might eat a pizza today.

No, I won't. 8)

Good gym-session. Not an amazing one, but still quite successful. Benchpress, Dips and some other stuff. Farmer's Walk after that for conditioning. Time to get some food. 8)

I'm pretty contended at the moment. There's nothing better than pushing harder on every layer of life. I always did that. But now, I've got a good feeling in addition. And it's getting better and better.