Time for a reboot - 28M - Mybestself

[cordy212]

Unfortunately it's also a complete con. Attempting to escape from reality only exasperates the underlying issues. Viewing pornography robs me of my energy and zest for life. It takes away my passion and my drive. I am left a hollow shell of my true self. Pessimistic, selfish and arrogant.

Next time that you get any sort of urge, read this post!

The opposite is true when I live a life free from pornography. I have more energy, passion and drive. I'm a better partner, son, brother and friend. I am unburdened from guilt and shame. I am more connected to myself and the world around me. My life is simply better. Actually more than that, I am a better person.
z

Me, you, everyone on this forum and many people who don't even realize yet are far better without P in their lives

This morning I started my journal as normal. I was commenting that I was tired but didn't feel any urge to act out. My brain briefly considered the options available to me but none really gripped me.

In this post you seem to quote your brain as a separate entity to yourself, I understand that we are addicted, me you and most people of these forum, but at the same time you have to treat the brain as a part of your body and you have to respect that you have control over not just your body but also your brain! Your brain may be saying to look at that sexy picture but please don't kid yourself into thinking that the only reason that we relapse is because we can't control it. The fact is that we can control it, we relapse and we learn lessons, then we relapse and learn some more until eventually we get to the point when there is no more to learn and we are comfortable to interact with other people in a natural and amazing way!

I've just reread the paragraph that I just wrote and it seems a bit harsh, but to be honest these are similar words that I say to myself whenever I have relapsed. You are a strong person, and you are definitely capable of overcoming this, all I ask is that you learn at least one lesson from your relapse and apply it to this reboot  , I continue to follow your progress and wish you the best of luck,  and I really mean that 

 

[mtaha2015]

stay in reality buddy.
as much as you can.
Okay.

 

[mybestself]

Day 62 (J). Day 3 (NOFAP). 7 June 2015.
Best streak: 43 days

Thank you for your words of support ManOfSteel, Mtaha. I'm glad to report that I had a really good day yesterday. I was home alone all day but I remained true to my cause. I ended up getting a lot done and even did some exercise - the first in months. This morning I woke up feeling pretty damn good. I feel like something has switched inside me, that I can finally get on with this reboot. let's hope I'm right.

With regards to my dialogue with my brain. You're right that I tend to refer to my brain as a separate entity. From my perspective it is and it isn't. On one hand it is my brain and I am fully responsible for all actions that I take. On the other hand, my brain does have it's own agenda which at times will conflict with my higher agendas. I totally agree with you however that we can re-train our brain and that in time we can all be free from pornography. If we fight for it.

It feels good to be building up the days again. 43 days here I come! : )

mybestself

 

[CrazyGopher]

It sounds like your motivation for rebooting has been renewed, mybestself. You might not believe it, but it is very inspiring to see that. ;D

Wishing you great success on this new reboot,
CG

 

[mybestself]

Day 63 (J). Day 4 (NOFAP). 8 June 2015.
Best streak: 43 days

Hey Gopher, thanks for stopping by!

I'm trying really hard to make sure I don't fall victim to the slip then quit mentality. I've seen too many people here quit their journal after just one or two hiccups and it's sad to see. Sure I've been tempted but I also know that journalling is possibly my best line of defence against pornography and so it would be foolhardy for me to give it up. I may have relapsed recently but at least I've still got my 60+ days of non-stop journalling : )

I had another productive day yesterday and again I woke up feeling very positive. I'm also feeling grateful for my morning journal habit as it forces me to slow down and reflect on where I'm going with my life. For a while now I've been feeling that exercise is missing from my life and I've decided to focus on establishing an exercise routine. I'm going to commit to at least a month of freeletics and see where that takes me.

I was going to continue on and attempt to plan out a list of additional habits and assign each to a month this year but now I'm thinking that would be a tad too controlling. Instead, I'm just going to focus on my journal and my exercise and see where that takes me. Much less pressure that way  8)

Have a great day all.
mybestself

 

[DayByDay]

Hey man!

Just a quick congrats on getting back on the horse! Very very happy to see your motivated and energised once again. If I am honest though its not the real reason I posted. You can find that below.

The opposite is true when I live a life free from pornography. I have more energy, passion and drive. I'm a better partner, son, brother and friend. I am unburdened from guilt and shame. I am more connected to myself and the world around me. My life is simply better. Actually more than that, I am a better person.

I love this man. Its probably the best thing I've read on this whole board. It incorporates everything that everybody on this forum is striving for. It reminds me of the many benefits quitting PMO can bring but more importantly it reminds me of the person I want to be. I will definitely be looking at it my moments of weakness!

 

[mybestself]

Day 64 (J). Day 5 (NOFAP). 9 June 2015.
Best streak: 43 days

Hey DayByDay. Thank you very much, it's great to know that others are getting some use out of my journal  ;D Also major congratulations on making 60 days, it's an amazing achievement and I really hope you make your target of 90 days and beyond. I'll be there with you shortly.

It feels super awesome to be climbing up the ladder of sobriety once more. Yes I'm still tired (and I'm hoping that exercise can help) but at least I feel like I'm doing the right thing and as a result my conscionce is clear. Wow does this make a big difference to life. It feels like deep down your sub-conscionce keeps a score card on all the things that you've done recently that are aligned with your core values and all the things that are not aligned. And those items that are not aligned to your core values, boy are they heavy to carry around all day. It feels good to be walking around with a lighter load : )

I did some squats on Sunday for the first time in a long time and I'm still pretty sore. Hoping I can do my first proper workout tonight. Looking forward to it.

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 65 (J). Day 6 (NOFAP). 10 June 2015.
Best streak: 43 days

Yesterday I came pretty close to acting out. I returned home from work around 6pm to an empty house. I jumped onto my computer and quite quickly experienced a strong desire to escape into fantasy. I was very tempted to seek out some explicit content but each time I came close I was stopped by a single thought "but then I will have to confess online how I have acted out, again!" and this was enough to stop me in my tracks. I can say with pretty strong certainty that if it weren't for this forum I would have slipped. So, thank you forum : )

In other news my flat is a tip and I'm still waking up really tired. My goal for tonight is to give my flat a good tidy when I get home from work.

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 66 (J). Day 7 (NOFAP). 11 June 2015.
Best streak: 43 days

Anddddd today makes 7 days. Awesome! : )

Yesterday I did my first proper workout for a long time now. It felt really good and I'm quite surprised this morning to find that my body isn't feeling stiff. Currently planning on taking a rest day today and then doing my second workout tomorrow. So far so good.

Also yesterday I was contemplating the shortness of life. I'm 28 now and there's a good chance I've lived anywhere between one half and one third of my whole life. If I'm lucky. A harrowing thought. I then faced the question of "So, what are you going to do with your life?". My answer was simply that I would like to be the best person that I can be. This includes a number of goals but I can tell you that very high up on my list is for me to give up pornography before I'm 30. I don't want to be on my death bed thinking about how my relationship with pornography ended up impacting my marriage, my children, my friends, family and career. No. I want to think back on how I made quitting my top priority and that I achieved it. 

Life is too short to accommodate a destructive habit. What are you going to do about it?

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 67 (J). Day 8 (NOFAP). 12 June 2015.
Best streak: 43 days

This morning I am TIRED. I'm hoping that my exercise routine will improve this in time.

Yesterday was pretty tough. I was home alone for the evening and a part of me was very tempted to seek out pornography. What is it that has me lusting for porn and fantasy when I know how damaging it can be? I feel like in those moments I'm robbed of my capacity to think logically and my brain is placed on emotional auto-pilot. Arg.

Well, good news is that I didn't act out. Every time I came close I was able to stop myself by considering the consequences. Even in that state I knew that it was a bad idea and that I would pay for it later. One concept that helped me at the time was to consider how likely it was that I would wish to abstain from porn after watching it. My answer was of course i would. Considering this made the act feel all the more futile.

I'm grateful to know that with time and abstinence this will only get easier.

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Hey folks. I hate to say it but I relapsed.

First things first, why did I relapse? The short answer is that I've been struggling for the last few days. Today I was particularly tired and easily fell to temptation on arriving home from work. The longer answer is more complicated. I feel like these last two to three weeks have been one big struggle. Something in me just hasn't been quite right. I can't put my finger on it exactly what, but I know from experience that this doesn't need to be so strenuous. Perhaps I've been giving pornography too much power in my mind. Seeing it as some evil, destructive force. Maybe it's just a tool that I've used to alleviate symptoms of another nature. This whole time I've been searching for that magic technique, routine or habit that will cure me. Perhaps I already have everything that I need...