Time for a reboot - 28M - Mybestself

[mybestself]

And here I find myself once more : )

I've started journals before on Reboot Nation with my best streak to date being 28 days. I've been absent now for probably 40 days or so and as a consequence, during this time I have rarely lasted longer than a week between relapses. My goal is to stop watching pornography permanently as it only brings pain and trouble into my life and I believe that I am far more likely to achieve this goal whilst being part of a community and maintaining a recovery journal. Reboot Nation has helped me before and so I'm hoping it will help again.

My tools for recovery are:
1. Visit Reboot Nation every morning before going to work to add an entry to my journal
2. Tidy my flat every day to keep my environment de-cluttered and help prevent me from spiralling downwards
3. Read every day from a motivational book to help keep me moving forward
4. Yoga practice every day to help keep me grounded
5. Contribute to the journals of others. Learn what I can and offer advice where I can

Other tools which have helped me before which I can consider:
1. Setting aside some time each day to envision a life without pornography. To really believe that I can achieve such a life
2. Having a solid plan for what I need to do when feeling triggered so I can implement this plan on autopilot. The worst I can do in this situation is to just stick around and *resist* the temptation - this never works 

It's good to be back and I'm really hoping I can kick this for good.
mybestself

 

[codys6]

Welcome back! I'm glad you're here.  It sounds like you've got a pretty solid plan and good motivation. I like the sound of a plan for times when you're triggered. I haven't tried thinking of one, I usually just go for a walk or something, but I could see how it would be beneficial! Keep us updated with what your "autopilot" plan is. Keep fighting!
-Cody

 

[mybestself]

Day 2 (J). Day 0 (NOFAP). 08th April 2015

Thanks for stopping by Cody. I'm yet to figure out my autopilot routine but I'll be sure to share it when I come up with one. Good luck with your journey also!

Woke up 20 minutes after my alarm this morning so will have to keep this update somewhat short until this evening. Woke up feeling pretty groggy (maybe as a result of coffee?) and found it pretty hard to get out of bed. I've since had a cold shower which helped but I'm still feeling knackered. Some small temptation to seek out explicit content for a hit of dopamine but I'm not going to go there. Will update again when I'm back from work.

Back from work and still knackered! Again, not sure if it's down to pornography, work of caffeine or some combination of these. Fortunately a yoga studio just started up next to my place of work and they're offering 45 minute classes which means I could potentially go during work. I'm going to sign-up now and attend a class tomorrow - hopefully this will help.

EDIT: Ahhh crap, I slipped!!!! I dropped my girlfriend off at work (she sometimes works a night shift) and on the way home I started thinking of the possibility of watching pornography. At first I tried to reject the thought but it kept returning and by the time I reached home I went straight for my computer - arg. Ah well, time to get back on the horse!

mybestself

 

[TheLimpJoker]

Hello,

Amazing.Good luck my friend, We are here with you in the same boat. Also i like that you are making yourself busy. It will help you trememdously with stopping any bad habit not just PMO.

Farewell,
The Limp Joker

 

[Datsyk]

Newbie the site here. I am glad to see that someone else has struggles and that they keep coming back to try to conquer their goal. I am trying my damnedest. I am only on day two and it was good to see that I don't have to be perfect to part of the community. Keep at it, I believe in you.

-Dats

 

[mybestself]

Day 3 (J). Day 1 (NOFAP). 09 April 2015

Back to day 1 again and predictably I am shattered(!!). Completely predictable as I unfortunately stayed up past midnight last night watching internet porn. Also predictable is that it was boring, I spent just under two hours searching for that "perfect" clip which of course I never found. Eventually I just gave in and climaxed and now I'm paying the price.

On the flip side this slip shows me that I need to plug a gap in my strategy. Currently I have no real plan on what to do for when I feel triggered rather than to simply grin and bare it - which for me doesn't work. Any tips guys? What helps you to stay clean when the thought of pornography slips into your head?

mybestself

 

[TheLimpJoker]

It is okay to fail my friend. But what matter is, use that failure to beat this goal. Learn from it, if for example you PMO at night try to make yourself so exhausted before you sleep that even if you want to PMO it will be like a shore. Use the time away from PMO smartly. Try to be more productive, if you say you got nothing to do just start doing things you never thought of doing before like for me that thing is maintaining a sleep pattern or cleaning your room every other day. When i stop PMO, i set other goals with it so my main goal isnt to stop PMO but other goals you always wanted to acomplish. I hope this helps on your journey my friend. May PMO becomes something of the Past. FREEDOOOM.

Farewell,
TheLimpJoker

 

[mybestself]

Day 4 (J). Day 2 (NOFAP). 10 April 2016

Thanks for stoping by LimpJoker, Datsyk - Much appreciated! Totally agree on the need to keep busy, I have a list of habits that I try to stick to each and every day to help me move forward in my life (whilst hopefully keeping me away from a situation where I might seek out pornography!).

Yesterday I came clean to my girlfriend and as always she was very supportive, I consider myself very fortunate to be with someone who can emphasis with my journey to kick porn without judging me or taking it too personally. Telling her about a slip is also very helpful for me in a number of ways - It gets it out in the open and in doing so makes it harder for me to hold onto feelings of shame, it also helps me to reset and begin moving towards recovery. I'm also very grateful that I was able to make it through last night as well as this morning without attempting to seek pornography. 

In terms of tools and strategies, I'm planning on using something called "Face it, Replace it, Connect". There's two parts to using this tool. At it's core it's a method of facing up to an urge, trying to understand it and then replacing it with a healthier alternative (rather than trying to ignore an urge or push it down). The second part involves pre-preparing a number of scenarios which you can find triggering, visualising that you are in this situation and then using FRC to face it and replace it. This tool has helped me in past but I eventually stopped using it. I'm hoping it can me again.


mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 5 (J). Day 3 (NOFAP). 11 April 2015

It's the weekend!!!

I feel I was pretty restless last night, In my mind this is due to have two strong cups of coffee on both Thursday and Friday. Woke up at 8am on my girlfriends alarm and then went back to sleep - got up around 10am feeling quite groggy.

Morning shower - boom! That helped, but I find myself lacking a definite plan or routine which I'm going to need if I hope to kick this addiction and power up my life. This is my goal for today, define a routine that I can follow each day to keep me clean and moving in the right direction. I think I'll get out other areas of the forum for inspiration.

mybestself

 

[mtaha2015]

my best self. you are at day 5 or day 2 ?

 

[mybestself]

Day 6 (J). Day 4 (NOFAP). 12 April 2015

Hey mtaha2015. I'm actually on day 6 of my journal but day 4 of sobriety as I relapsed 2 days in, but I can see how my counter might have been confusing before and so I've updated each entry to show both a journal counter and a sobriety counter. Thanks for the feedback : )

So, day 4 of sobriety. Woke up naturally at 8am this morning which is a massive improvement over yesterday. I also started the day strong with a cold shower (rather than loping around in my pyjamas) and feel significantly more energised. I'm off to a good start.

I didn't quite lock down a daily routine yesterday as I intended but I have time now so let's give it a go. Essentially I want a routine that I can follow on auto-pilot from Monday to Sunday each week. By having such a routine I think I have a better chance of starting the day strong and as a result, less of a chance that I will mope around and seek out pornography. I'd also like a day component which has me targeting some daily habits that I'd like for myself - My only target for each of these habits is that I do something so I'm moving forward, even if it's only for 5 minutes. Here's version one of my routine:

Morning Component:

1. Wake up. Drink water. Head straight to the bathroom. Shave if needed. Cold Shower (boom!)
2. Get dressed. Switch on the kettle
3. Brew some coffee
4. Open up my computer. Navigate to reboot nation and write a journal entry
5. 10 minutes FRC practice (visualising a trigger and my desired response)

Day Component:

1. Tidy my flat
2. Yoga practice
3. Wedmin / Honeymoon planning
4. Read from a inspirational book (typically I'll do this on the bus to work)
5. Work towards a career related goal (typically I'll do this on the bus from work)
6. Before bed, meditate on my gratitude for achieving another day of sobriety

I think the morning component should be pretty solid but I may need to revise the day component with some more structure e.g. I will tidy my flat after X. Anyways, this a start : )

Enjoy the rest of the weekend everyone. Stay strong!

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 7(J). Day 5 (NOFAP). 13 April 2015

Day 5 of nofap (woop!!).

Sleep wasn't great last night due to my girlfriend blowing her nose throughout the night. Feeling a little tired though I'm grateful to be writing my journal whilst enjoying a cup of coffee before work.

Recently in the last couple of days I've let me daily tidy routine slip a little so it would be good to pick this up again this afternoon. I also want to start practicing visualisation and FRC to train my brain how to deal with triggering situations. I'll give this a shot after finishing my journal entry for today.

All things are pretty well otherwise, temptation to act out has been relatively dormant these past few days (though for the last 5 days my girlfriend has been on the shame shift as me which certainly helps). I also recognise that I can't afford to get comfortable in my sobriety as temptation is always around the corner. I really want to crack this.

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 8 (J). Day 6 (NOFAP). 14 April 2015.

I'll need to be quick this morning as I'm running late for work.

Slept much better last night and as a result I'm less tired today. The reason I have less time to journal is because I started googling diet stuff first thing, my bad. I'll course correct and ensure that reboot nation is the first website that I navigate to in the morning.

Pretty good day at work. Stayed an hour later than normal to catch up with some work. Attended an exercise class afterwards and now I'm back at home, actually managing to relax : )

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 9 (J). Day 7 (NOFAP). 15 April 2015.

Day 7 - Woop Woop!!

It feels great to break the seven day mark. From my experience daily sobriety tends to get a little easier from here. My new challenge is to not take my sobriety for granted and end up relapsing as a result. I need to continue showing up to my journal every day. I need to contribute to these forums where I can and I need to continue to remind myself of all the reasons why I cannot have pornography in my life. I have no idea how long this will take, but let's just say I should I should be aiming to journal every day for the next 150 days minimum.

An idea I had recently from reading a book on habit formation is to pick a set of daily habits and then note down at the end of each day how successful you were at implementing them - With constant review your body will then auto adjust to meet these habits. I decided I could start incorporating this checklist into my journal. Here's where I stand today

- Journal Post first thing in the morning: Check!
- Contribute to someone else's journal: Check!
- FRC Practice: Check!
- Read from an inspirational book: Check!
- Work towards a career related goal: Check!
- Yoga Practice: Check!
- Tidy one section of my flat: Check!
- Do one thing for my wedding: Check!

Have a good day all!
mysbestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 10 (J). Day 8 (NOFAP). 16 April 2015.

Now into week two of sobriety. I'm doing pretty good I'd say. My set of daily habits is keeping me busy and moving forward in my life. Work is going well whilst not being too hectic and currently I'm not feeling too triggered when I find myself home and alone. Perhaps the only thing which is a little amiss is my libido (or lack thereof) but I know this will sort itself out. Having gone through so many reboots in my life I have a pretty good amount of faith that my body will sort itself out as I go through this process.

I also have a lot of faith in my set of daily habits. I got the idea from a book called "The Slight Edge" which makes the case that miracle transformations don't happen, instead, it's small and consistent effort which adds up over time until one day, all of a sudden you notice that you are transformed. So. Once again, here is where I stand with my habits for today:

- Journal Post first thing in the morning: Check!
- Contribute to someone else's journal: Check!
- FRC Practice: Check!
- Read from an inspirational book: Check!
- Work towards a career related goal: Check!
- Yoga Practice: No dice
- Tidy one section of my flat: No dice
- Do one thing for my wedding: No dice

All good today apart from my yoga, tidy and wedmin habit though this was due to be having a busy day of work before meeting up with friends to go to a comedy club. Didn't get back to mine until 11pm. Anyhow the goal here is not to be perfect. In my mind I had a very positive day.

Have a good day!
mybestself

 

[DayByDay]

Hey man!

Its good to hear you are back with us and trying to kick your habbit once again. By the sound of it you have got your mind where it needs to be to get rid of this awful habbit. I also like your idea of creating a daily checklist. I might consider something similar as well, not only to keep the mind busy but also to improve ones self-confidence and productivity!

Wishing you all the best, Talking soon

-A

 

[Datsyk]

Keep at it dude! You are making progress. I've always said the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time....well, i've never actually said that. I heard some say it. Anyway, I didn't get a chance to reply to one of your posts above about trying deal with urges. I am a fairly fitness kind of oriented person. When I finally quit chewing tobacco I used a system of wait five minutes by setting a phone timer, then after the five minutes I did pushups for for a minute. As many as I could stand. It helped me because I get a dopamine hit from exercise and I get a quick chest work out which has always been my weak spot in the gym. Might want to give something like that a try.

Anyway, good luck going forward. See you on the other side.

-Dats

 

[mybestself]

Day 11 (J). Day 9 (NOFAP). 17 April 2015.

Thanks for stopping by DayByDay, Dats, appreciate the support! @Dats, it seems pushups are a fairly common tool here to get past temptation. I also like the idea of setting a timer - I presume this is to practice sitting with your thoughts and feelings? Anyhow I'll give it a try next time I'm triggered and will see how it works for me.

Feeling pretty tired this morning. Not crazy tired, but definitely more tired than normal. On the flip side, I had a good time with my friends and girlfriend at the comedy club last night. Also, it's Friday : )

I'm starting to really enjoy my morning routine of coffee and journalling. I find it relaxing to get my thoughts down and it's a nice small accomplishment before starting my day. Long may I continue!

- Journal Post first thing in the morning: Check!
- Contribute to someone else's journal: Check!
- FRC Practice: Check!
- Read from an inspirational book: Check!
- Work towards a career related goal: Check!
- Yoga Practice: Check!
- Tidy one section of my flat: Check!
- Do one thing for my wedding: Check!

Have a great Friday everyone!

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 12 (J). Day 10 (NOFAP). 18 April 2015.

Day 10, nice : )

I somehow woke up at 6.45am today (Saturday) and couldn't easily fall back to sleep. So, I got up, had a cold shower, made a cup of coffee and logged onto reboot nation - boom!

I'm actually really enjoying this new morning routine, there's something really satisfying about knowing exactly what to do when I wake up - especially on weekends where previously I would have gone straight for my computer to start mindlessly browsing the internet (relapse alert!).

I'm also really enjoying the coffee and journal component. It forces me to check in with myself each morning and reflect on how I'm doing in my life, not just with regards to my quest to give up pornography but holistically. Whereas my previous attempts at journalling have felt like a chore, something that I *should* do. This time I feel like I really *get it*, it gives me a solid routine that I can apply to my mornings, it's a daily reminder for why I MUST leave pornography behind once and for all, the act of journalling is also quite meditative. I truly hope that I can keep this habit for good, far beyond the day where I no longer have urges to seek out porn.

It's also the weekend, so what do I want to do (daily habits aside)?? This is actually something that I have found tricky in the past. I'll be desperate for the weekend to begin but when I get there I'll have no idea what to do with myself. I'd like to change that. This weekend I'd like to:

- Make a real dent in my revision for a certification that I'm studying for
- Complete the book that I'm currently reading - the "Slight Edge"
- Pick a next book to read
- Sort out finances with the girlfriend
- Call my bank

And of course, here is my list of daily habits for today:

- Journal Post first thing in the morning: Check!
- Contribute to someone else's journal: Check!
- FRC Practice: Check!
- Read from an inspirational book: Check!
- Work towards a career related goal: Check!
- Yoga Practice: Check!
- Tidy one section of my flat: No dice
- Do one thing for my wedding: No dice

Phew! Quite a long post today but I guess I had the time. Have a great Saturday everyone!
mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 13 (J). Day 11 (NOFAP). 19 April 2015.

So, today is the first day that I've felt some temptation to seek out pornography since quitting 11 days ago. I am exceptionally glad that I didn't cave in - Scary how one moment you have no temptation to act out and the next your brain is trying to convince you how it would be a great idea!

Here's how the mental dialogue played out in my head:

I wake up, still tired, a little groggy. I open my eyes and check the time, it's 8.30am. My girlfriend is lying down asleep next to me, she probably won't be up for a while yet. In that moment, my brain reminds me that if I wanted to, I could switch on my computer and within minutes I could be watching pornography on the net. The thought is seductive though I recognise that this is a very bad idea. WHOA STOP!! I acknowledge that I *could* seek out pornography but that this would be a very bad idea. I get out of bed, head to the bathroom and start my morning routine which begins with a shave and a cold shower. As I continue with my routine, going through the motions, the thought of acting out dissipates. Phew!

I am so so relieved that I didn't act out. It's shocking how easy your brain can *forget* about the reasons for not watching pornography when given the opportunity for a massive dopamine rush. This episode has reminded me that I far from cured and that a relapse is always waiting around the corner if I let my guard down. It has also shown me the power of a morning routine which really helped to get my mind back on track. I MUST keep up with my morning routine, journal and FRC practice no matter what.

In other news, I started playing a computer game yesterday which could potentially be quite addictive. I'd like to play this game but not if it compromises my goal of kicking pornography for good and so I will be keeping close tabs on its effect on me in the coming days / weeks.

I also recognise that I've been letting my tidy habit slip and so I'd like to pick this up again, I'm planning to do a massive flat clean today to get things back to normal.

Here are the daily habits:

- Journal Post first thing in the morning: Check!
- Contribute to someone else's journal: Check!
- FRC Practice: Doh!
- Read from an inspirational book: Doh!
- Work towards a career related goal: Doh!
- Yoga Practice: Doh!
- Tidy one section of my flat: Check! and Check! (Did a power tidy session)
- Do one thing for my wedding: Doh!

Hmmm, looks like that game did take me away from some of my core habits. Will re-adjust for tomorrow.

Stay strong!
mybestself