Turning it upside down

[DayByDay]

Question to you - What is your inner dialogue for NOT buying a few beers? I don't think you have anything to worry about, but writing it down might help you to understand what's really going on under the surface...

mybestself

Hey man, Thanks for the quick response.

I dunno. I guess I was just kind of annoyed that I bought them in the first place as being a college student and living alone can be very tight moneywise. Dont get me wrong like I have a little bit aside for things like this but everytime I buy them Im like to myself "oh well I could've bought this ... or I should've bought one of these". Its like in my mind if you drink or smoke or do whatever your pulling yourself further away from the path of success and everytime I do I just feel guilty for doing it ? If that makes any sense ... ?

I have just drank one so my thoughts could be a little clouded xD

Also I enrolled in my online course today so thats that goal gone I start monday! Really looking forward to it!

 

[DayByDay]

Day 8 (Morning)

How I am feeling today (Both emotionally and sexually):
Honestly I woke up today feeling pretty good. I had a later than usual start in work (10am) so I could get up comfortably around 8am, have a shower, grab something to eat, make my lunch, sit down, enjoy my cup of coffee and look out at the sun. I am feeling a lot better today about last night. I realise now that it was probably just me over-reacting for whatever reason and that I should just try and enjoy the moment rather than worry about any repercussions that may come of it. I work a lot and so its only fair and right that I have some chill time, even if it does involve a few quiet beers with myself. I did notice another urge to MO last night as I was heading up to bed. Porn didnt really cross my mind, it was just the feeling of an O that I was after,  that feeling of satisfaction if you get me. Writing it down now and re-reading really does make it seem like I just needed a "hit" or a "fix". I think drinking alone could poetentially be a trigger for me. So even though I have made peace with it I still feel like I should'nt do it again at least not at these early stages in a reboot.

Tools I have used or Goals I have achieved:
My goal for today is pretty simple actually. I want to go to work and complete the day without shying away from any job. I am new enough with them (3 months) so I normally shy away from things like answering the phones when it rings or not greeting people as they come in. I am just afraid that they will ask me something I wont know the answer to or that they will leave somehow unsatisfied, which I know isnt the end of the world because you cant please everybody and the only way to get better is to do it more ... its just still something I have a problem with!

 

[DayByDay]

The never-ending scroll that is facebook:
I am only noticing it now (literally two or three minutes ago) that whenever I see a cute girls profile picture or something like that come up on my news feed or in suggested friends I immediately go to click it to get a better look. Like straight away. Generally I wont even know the person we just have a few mutual friends. From there then I would normally go down the path of finding a quiet place ... you get the drift. Anyways its just kind of sickening for me. I am happy that I was paying enough attention to realise what I was doing before I actually went ahead and done it but the fact that I even needed to do it is sickening to me. Does anybody else have a similar trigger ? I know the easiest option is to simply delete my Facebook while Im rebooting but to be honest with my increased work load its the only way I can keep in touch with people.

 

[DayByDay]

Day 8

How am I feeling today:
I'm feeling pretty meh at the moment even though I should be happy. My friends were all having a smoking session last night but I decided to sit it out. It was so hard for me because I've never really missed one by choice (only if I was working or something). But this morning I was just so thankful I didnt go because I am in work this morning and I would've been sleeping on a cold floor and well ... Im trying to kick smoking as well so  :-\ Last night I was really stressed out, so much so that I nearly took it out on my dad but I just left the situation and went to bed. I've still got around 10 weeks left in my internship ... honestly I just want to be over. I am tempted to go and buy a new t-shirt or something after work just cheer me up. haha sounds pathetic right ? On
another note I had some more MW, probably around 60% but it quickly dissipated after getting up. I was thinking that I might be in my first flatline but If Im still getting MW surely I am not ? My libido is probably at around 10% but my mood id say is around a 4/10. I am hoping I cheer up on the way to work as I only get to see my colleagues twice a week so would hate to be down when I finally get in.

Goals for today:
I guess I would love to create my logo. As I'm a designer I am going to need one eventually so I thought what better way to get some practice in. If I can get the concept done tonight and then mock it up on illustrator I will be a happy man.

Those weird images: May contain triggers
So I was riding home from work on my bike ... when next thing I know I am kissing some naked girl all along the neck and slowly making my way down. I couldnt make out the face but the body reminded me of one of my ex girlfriends. Anyways all I vividly remember was me holding her back while going down on her. I was riding a motorcycle so I quickly just tried to flush the images out of my head but every-time I did they just kept cropping back up. I am not sure why the whole fantasy was so vivid, if it was a good thing or a bad thing. But it stranges that I can remember it. Ever since I started smoking weed my long term memory has been getting worse and worse. I guess I could use this fantasy as motivation for one of the eventual possible outcomes.

 

[grayfoxxx]

Maybe you're not in the flatline yet, but close to it.

You're doing great, keep going

 

[mtaha2015]

Mr.Biker avoid watching girls and explicit images or ads when riding bike.
riding bike is fun.

 

[DayByDay]

Maybe you're not in the flatline yet, but close to it.

You're doing great, keep going

Well I went to go see Fast & Furious 7 today after work with a friend and I can safely say, I am definitely in the no libido phase of a flat line. Literally half the movie was boobs and bums and it didn't even move an inch. At one point I nearly thought about trying to make it move with mental thoughts but I thought better of it and instead just sat there watching them feeling nothing. It made me feel as if it was never going to end. Which I know isn't a good mindset to be in. They say good things take time but how long is this going to take? I know I am only 8 days deep into a planned 90 day reboot and I hate myself for even thinking this thoughts but the whole point of writing this journal is to put my feelings and thoughts down on paper so that's what I am doing.

If today is anything to go by I am very close to the emotional side of it as well. I feel like absolute crap right now. Before leaving work I was talking to a girl, a fellow colleague who got a promotion a year back and who i rarely see now because of it. Things were good between us for a long time until i drunkenly tried to kiss her one night and they've been kind of awkward ever since. We've seen each other a few times at get-together's and have started chatting away again. But its like when I was talking to her all I had on my mind was "gotta go, gotta go, gotta go" and literally the whole way home on the bike I was just feeling guilty for running away. I wanted to go home, I was tired,  I wanted to come and sit down at my PC, and play video games, come onto RN and post. But I feel like a shit person because I couldn't even spare 5 or 10 minutes to talk to her and all I am doing is examing the conversation even though in the grand scheme of things it meant nothing ? I seriously need help ...

Mr.Biker avoid watching girls and explicit images or ads when riding bike.
riding bike is fun.

Haha thank you Mtaha You always put a smile on my face!

 

[DayByDay]

Day 10

So today is day 10. 1/7th of the way there. I didn't realise I had missed day 9 to be honest but oh well. Time does seem to be moving, maybe not as fast as I would hope but then again we should rush progress. The journal really helps to keep me in check and remind me just how long I've been at it now.

How do I feel:
Wakin up this morning was a lot easier than most others. I am starting a new diet today so I had that to look forward to it. Its fairly basic as I am just trying to focus on eating enough to try and start putting on some more weight. As I was cooking my food however my mood started to slip. I started to think of how tired I am of these 7 day weeks. I know its not the worst, some people out there are working 2 jobs or even 3 to get through college but the fact that I am doing 50 hours a week is killing me. It wouldn't be to bad if I lived local or if I lived near the city, because then id be able to do stuff during the evenings. But because I live so far away I spend most of time commuting or sitting at home.

Sexually there's still not much down there. I had a very weird dream last night where me and a few friends (including two girls who I had sex with) were hanging out out at a park, the only catch is was, both there x boyfriends were there (whom I am also friends with). One of the girls, lets call her A, I had sex with her well after her and her boyfriend broke up. The relationship wasn't great, he didn't treat her right and we had always been good friends before that (this is actually the girl I mentioned in my original entry). The second F, I had sex way before her and her x-boyfriend got together. We both had a thing for one another for a long time but our paths just never met. She was always with somebody while I was single and vice versa. Before I knew it, my other friend (her x) was sleeping with her (he didn't know I felt so strongly about her) and they actually developed a two year relationship. It ended badly though and he is one of my best/longest friends so needless to say I wont be going near F anytime soon. Anyways during the dream both of the girls were trying to hit on me in front of the other two guys. It was fairly awkward and I wasnt really sure how to react to either one so I just let it drop to my side like it meant nothing.

My goal for today:
I failed hard at my goal yesterday. Instead of  coming home from work I went to go watch a movie with a friend. It was a conscious decision so I don't mind to much. But today my hope is to start my online course, print off whatever material I need and start working away on that to get my mind off things.

 

[DayByDay]

Day 11

My first flatline:
So I am pretty much convinced, beyond any reasonable doubt that I am in a flatline period. I have no libidio, no desire to go after women, no erections, no morning wood ... nothing. Its also reduced in size since I have stopped. None of these things really bother me to be honest as I know, from what I have read anyways, that they will come back in time when they are ready. I guess the thing that is really getting to me is the mood swings. I literally go from being happy, optimistic and content to the complete opposite. I feel sad, lonelly, worthless ... and just generally that I am making a balls of my life. Its probably my biggest fear. To look towards the future and worry that I will have regrets in the future. That I am missing out on so much in life and that I will hate myself in my later years for doing so. Whenever these dark moments hit I try to remind myself of what it is thats causing these  feelings and that they are only temporary. Does anybody have any useful tools or prehaps something I could do to help reduce the effect of theses ?

Its never a case of one size fits all:
I can safely say that I have wasted the past year (if not 2) of my life trying to fix a problem ... that to be honest I am not even sure is there. Ever since my the incident with my male x, I haven't been happy or at least satisfied. I havnt been satisfied with myself in a long time. Indeed leading up that I wasn't 100% happy either but I believe that tipped me over the edge and since then all I have been trying to do is get back to the emotional state I was in before any of it happened. It felt like something had changed or been pushed in my life and now it was just sending me into this downward spiral.

As I am a fairly mature guy, especially for my age, I've been trying things here and there to fix it. I have tried going to the gym to get in better shape so maybe I might feel better about how I look, I have tried working on my education/career to try and feel good and succesful about that and I have even tried cutting out video games from my life in order to free up time. While all of these things sound good in my head, I feel like I am missing the point. Its not one thing that is going to solve my lifes woes. Giving up PMO isnt going to make me happy if I still spend most of my time sitting at home. Going to the gym and getting fit wont make girls flock to me if I don't make an effort to talk to more people for longer periods. Why should I stop playing video games if its one of the things I enjoy doing ?

Anyways the point I am getting at is that there isn't a quick fix or a single fix for solving unhappiness. I'm not going to wake up one day and be like ... "ahh so all I needed to do was put that there and now Im back to normal!". I need to change who I am. I know that sounds terrible but its not like I mean become somebody I'm not its more like embrace who I want to be if you get me ? Increase my levels of motivation, set out clear goals for me in my life, don't shy away from things that make me uncomfortable. As the famous Nike once said ... "Just do it.". Anyways this all clicked in my head on the ride to work today which brings me onto my next goal.

My Goal ... for life:
Motorcycling is a potentially lethal hobby/pass time/way of life and I can honestly say I have stopped trying when it comes to paying attention on the roads. Mostly I keep my head facing forward, do a bit over the speed limit, let my mind wander and pray that anything that comes out in front of me either sees me first, or my brakes are good enough to stop. This isn't on and I know its going to lead to a serious accident. Im going to focus more while on the bike, re-iterating all the checks, observations and things I see while driving. Hopefully this will helpful keep my mind locked onto the road, stop it from drifting and actually let me enjoy riding a bike rather than worrying 24/7.

Anyways please guys if you have any words, comments, advice for me please do post below and share!

Thanks for reading

 

[DayByDay]

Modern media does nothing to help us:
I feel like an old prune for saying this but I only recently noticed it today as I was watching Captain America. I sat there with a group of friends, huddled around a coffee table in one of their living rooms, watching Scarlet Johansson run around in her skin tight outfit. I only realised then that todays media literally paints these "perfect" women everywhere for people to see. All I could think of when I noticed her was "wow ... nobody I know looks like her except for the girls I see on whatever-tube". How are we expected not to turn to these sites if this is what is being thrown in our faces ? Its like look, but you'l never get a chance to touch. I guess its made me realise just how high and un-attainable my standards have become. I know that might be putting myself down and its not a good way to think but its true.  On the plus side at least I am noticing women. Maybe  not the ones I want (as she is still pixels on a screen at the end of the day).

 

[mybestself]

Hey DayByDay, congratulations on making it to flatline (seriously!). The fact that you are going through mood swings and withdrawal is evidence that your reboot is working. With regards to feeling sad, lonely, worthless etc... Consider the possibility that you have been using pornography over the years to escape from some aspects of life - your fears, your dreams, areas of your life that you're not happy about. I know this has certainly been the case for me. Taking porn away can have the effect of bringing all of these things out from the carpet and putting them in direct view. It can be painful but it's actually a really really good thing as it forces you to act. I discovered a lot about myself on my first reboot - for one I found out I had a lot of resentment in my life, something I was completely oblivious to at the time. I've since done a lot of work on these and boy has it been a major weight off my shoulders : )

More good news is, all you have to do is face these feelings and NOT watch pornography. When you compare this to some of the hardships which mankind has been through over the ages, it's all pretty trivial. You can do it!

 

[DayByDay]

Hey DayByDay, congratulations on making it to flatline (seriously!). The fact that you are going through mood swings and withdrawal is evidence that your reboot is working. With regards to feeling sad, lonely, worthless etc... Consider the possibility that you have been using pornography over the years to escape from some aspects of life - your fears, your dreams, areas of your life that you're not happy about. I know this has certainly been the case for me. Taking porn away can have the effect of bringing all of these things out from the carpet and putting them in direct view. It can be painful but it's actually a really really good thing as it forces you to act. I discovered a lot about myself on my first reboot - for one I found out I had a lot of resentment in my life, something I was completely oblivious to at the time. I've since done a lot of work on these and boy has it been a major weight off my shoulders : )

More good news is, all you have to do is face these feelings and NOT watch pornography. When you compare this to some of the hardships which mankind has been through over the ages, it's all pretty trivial. You can do it!

MyBestSelf,

Thanks for taking the time to read my latest updates. I've never really thought about why I was looking at so much porn. Up until recently i've always seen it as a quick source of pleasure and a way to keep me going till I found another girl. I guess I had left the taps on too long and now its become a need for me rather than a want. Another reason (this is only within the last year) I think might be that I was using it to escape from my x-boyfriend. Whether this was because I wasnt turned on by him (I was at the start just as things went on I started to fantasize about P instead), because I was addicted to P or because I just missed the female figure I don't really know. I've come to the conclusion that trying to define your sexuality into homo, metro or bi is pretty irrelevant at the end of the day as all that matters is that both people love one another.

I think my biggest obstacle at the moment is well myself. No matter how much I do it feels like I am always my own worst enemy. I am working 2 jobs at the moment, well over 50 hours week, pay my own way in life (rent,bills,food). I had been going to the gym early mornings 6-7am and have recently started doing an online course in my own free time. Yet still every time I start up a video game I feel this sense of guilt. I feel like I should be doing something more productive/more social. Its honestly the worst feeling because I used to get so much pleasure from playing them whereas now I just always feel guilty.

The truth is money and time are tight in my life at the moment and I dont have much to spare for social activity's. In my mind thought its like im using this an excuse to cover up my shyness. The fact that im afraid to go outside my comfort-zone or the fact that even if I do I dont preform as well as Id hoped.

If anybody can please help me with the above id really appreciate it.

 

[DayByDay]

Day 12:

Moment of clarity:
I am feeling so good today words can barely begin to describe it. After reading MyBestSelfs journal yesterday and after a bit of reflection on my own part I felt that I wasn't really applying myself to the rebooting process. Sure I was going through the motions of no PMO, but I wasn't really pushing myself to change any other aspects of my life. Because of this laziness/lack of effort I was being pretty hard on myself which to be honest just made the whole situation worse.

My day:
I woke this morning to about 50% MW. Nothing to write home about but its nice to know that its still working. The ride to work was really nice. A bit cold but I kept my mind alert and focused 100% on the road. During the morning work went pretty smoothly and I found myself chatting to my colleagues a lot more than I normally would. We were having laughs and just generally messing around! It feels like I put in the effort to stay with them and talk with them even if it meant I got a little bit less work done. It was so much fun and I didn't really second guess or question anything I was saying before I said it, I just said what came to my mind. During my lunch I decided to take advantage of the nice weather and walk to the shops instead of ride. Upon getting there I realised I had no cash on me. 40 minutes of my lunch wasted but you know what? I didn't really care. It was a nice day, I got to spend a little bit of time out in the sun (which is rare because I work so much and would be indoors for most of it) and I also don't really have money to be spending on random crap so I saved money too Leaving work I was on a serious high, after having finally satisfied myself socially. When I got home I got straight into it, cleaned my study, hoovered it out and de-cluttered most of the house. Spent most of the evening working on my bike. Again nice and calm, not losing my temper at anything and making an effort to talk to anybody who came into the garage. I packed it in about 20 minutes ago and now I'm online writing this entry before heading to bed. Really productive day and I feel so good because of it! No video games ... Does this mean something ?

I guess the one thing I feel I could improve on from today is where I look while I walk. I notice (and i always have done this) I tend to look a the ground or look away from other people as I walk. When I went into one shop on the way home I noticed a staff member (female) walking towards me. We glanced at each other for a split second and she smiled and I looked down, instead of just smiling back ... wtf ? Luckily the shop is local so I'll be sure to make an effort next time I'm in.

Restricting my video games:
So I guess this is the big thing for me. I want to keep playing them as there a good source of fun IMO but at the same time I feel like I could perform better socially if I didnt and swapped them out for something else. See I don't want to simply replace them with TV shows because its pretty much the same thing when it all boils down to it. Reading could be a bit more beneficial but I could easily get hooked into a book as well. I think the plan for the moment is to limit my time at my PC. If I can stick to that then Ill keep video games open to me. If not Ill have to look at restricting them further or removing them altogether. I think only allowing myself to play them after 9pm is both realistic while still allowing me to be productive after I get home from work.

My sexual feelings:
Its weird ... I still, to date,  haven't really felt any strong urges to PMO besides the ones I've had after drinking alone. Same with female interactions. I haven't met or talked with any new women although I think this is because I dont really want to. Im sure if I pushed myself and joined Tinder I would be able to get a few dates but tbh I want to focus 100% on my reboot instead of introducing a girl to the mix and making it twice as hard.

All in all things are looking up. I feel better, I feel a bit more confidant and I finally feel satisfied with my life. Long may it last.

 

[DayByDay]

Day 13

Sexual fantasy's at work: (May Contain Triggers)
Has anybody ever had one ?

One of my favorite genres used to be realism or life like. For me it was like the closet I could get to real life while still managing to get my Dopamine hit. Obviously 14 days into my reboot, I realize now that it is far from real life.

Walking around work today and I couldn't find one of my colleagues. I wasn't exactly looking for this person but after walking around all the usual spots I went to my office to sit down and do some work. As I walked in I just imagined her underneath my desk waiting for me to sit down then unzip. I was toying with the idea for a minute or two but then I realised she was probably just in the toilet. It hit me then exactly what my brain was doing. I know its not as black & white as wrong or right but I dont know what to think of it. Anyways now I have a boner and it wont go away so im sitting on my hands and waiting for it to pass.

 

[DayByDay]

The X:
So ... I need some advice with regards to my x. We haven't really spoken in a few weeks which is very strange as even after our breakup we would nearly talk everyday and hang out every weekend. I don't mind too much because I feel that we need time apart to heal.

However he messaged me today asking for some of his belongings back. Very curtious, very emotionless, to the pont. All I wanted to do was ask him how he had been, If he's any news but I feel like if just be taking steps back then as I really do wanna move on an find somebody new. I still have this urge though to remain close with him though?

Despite my mood, attitude and social experiences being excellent today I still feel like frap because he texted me and because him and all my work colleagues are heading out to a night club tomorrow. I'm in work (14th week in a row now), I have no money and as I said, might be difficult around him especially since he loves drama ? Anyways I have a funny feeling that I am making the right choices it's just hard to swallow.

Any advice guys ?

 

[grayfoxxx]

Sorry man, I'm the last person in the world who could give advices about sentimental things right now.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm continuing to read your journal and you're doing great

 

[DayByDay]

Sorry man, I'm the last person in the world who could give advices about sentimental things right now.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm continuing to read your journal and you're doing great

Thank you for the encouragement Gray! How are you getting on with your reboot?

Day 14

So ... two weeks. Doesn't really feel that long at all. Or does it ? In the grand scheme of things its only 2/12 weeks. But to be honest Ill take that over 0/12. I feel pretty good today despite last night. I woke up this morning in a good frame of mind. I don't need to go out and get drunk and take drugs to have a good weekend. I don't need my X boyfriend and every step I take away from him is another step in the right direction. Sure I might be working for the whole weekend but I still have Friday night, Saturday morning and Sunday morning to myself so I am going to try and make the most out of this free time and be as productive as possible while still having some downtime.

As I am writing this I am just about to leave my internship and head over to my part-time job. Its not to bad but with journeys  really start to add up. This morning in work was pretty bad. I had two really difficult clients that I had to deal with. Just very negative attitudes and a certain arrogance about them. But I done the professional thing, smiled and agreed In contrast to those then I had a really nice couple in whom I also dealt with. Very chatty, friendly and open to ideas yet still knowing what they want. Its amazing how somebody s attitude can have such an effect on your own and how hard your willing to work for them.

Still no cravings or anything like that. I don't really think about porn to much although that's pretty intentional (why would I go around trying to imagine porn in a reboot). The only times I do really are when I'm going to bed or having a few drinks. Saying that though I am not really thinking about women either. I still have the urge to find someone to spend my time with but ... Im still missing that driving factor ... that push to get out and find her. I have noticed some small changes in my self-confidence. I'm starting to express my thoughts and say things as they come into my head instead of holding back and over-thinking them. Im still nowhere near the level I want to be at but progress is progress.

Over the weekend I want to sit down and type up a detailed post on how Im feeling and how the process is going so far for me.

 

[adrian]

That's the spirit! Stay strong and enjoy yourself, your true self, without the lies coming from alcohol, drugs and porn!

Stay focused on your goals and everything will set itself in place! Take care!

 

[DayByDay]

Sitting at home, laying in bed and the temptation to PMO is nearly unbearable. How many of these Friday's will I have to have :/

 

[DayByDay]

Day 15

Last Night:
Thank god! I did'nt PMO last night. I came so close to just going up stairs and fapping. This morning was the same as I lay in bed. I guess all I can say is that I kept myself busy with other things. Last night for example I logged onto skype and just chatted to a few friends I hadnt seen in a long time. This morning I retreated to a new game on my phone as I lay in bed then got up as soon as I was ready!

Chatterbox:
So I've definatley noticed a change in my social skills. Wether its actually because of the reboot process or because I've started to try a lot harder when it comes to talking to people I dunno. I just make it my mission now to stay with people, have a 3-4 minute conversation with them, then head off if needs be. I'm noticing a few more laughs and a few more looks in work (maybe it could be the beard people are saying it suits me!). Smiling a lot more whenever I meet somebody, especially any girls. All in all I've stopped analysing what I'm doing wrong when Im talking to people and instead am focusing on exactly what I am doing.

Gym Time!:
So I've had enough of waiting around until I have enough money to join the gym. I've decided I am going to take it out of my savings today. Enough for a 1 month membership and some mass gainer to help with my diet. I really think if I can keep a routine in that I will be making huge strides towards a PMO free life.

Anyways I probably wont catch you all till day 16 as I am heading out with a few friends tonight!

So anybody reading have a great PMO free day! And remember, live it like its your last!