Turning it upside down

[DayByDay]

Day 16

Best weekend in a while:
So I guess the true test of my progress was always going to be at my part-time job. For the first year or two I was there I would walk around with a big grin on my face, saying hi to everybody, smiling, laughing and having fun. Over the past year and a half though I've slowly started to hate the place. Dont get me wrong I love the people I work with, but I just hated being there, found it really hard to talk to most of them and just never really did anything other than moan. But this weekend! Wow it brought me back to the good old days. I was chit chatting with everybody! Going out of my way to talk to people! Such an improvement on my social skills and I don't even know where its come from.

Saturday Night:
So I ended up going to a friends party on saturday night. It was a nice change as it meant a few beers, music and some women. Again, chatting to people all night, people that I wouldnt normally talk to, but just making friends I suppose. I probably drank a bit too much though as I woke up in a friends bed! Nothing happened! Just needed a place to crash is all haha Thinking about it now I do remember feeling pretty lonely at the party even though there was loads of people around me. It was like all I wanted was a girl, which is understandable considering my reboot, but to be honest, I work with a lot of the people and I don't want to be getting tangled up in drama right now. PMO didn't cross my mind at all.

Anyways, sorry this is gonna be a bit short because Im still a bit hungover and wanna go up to bed! Gym time tomorrow so talk soon!

 

[dingbat95]

Great stuff man, sounds like you're primed for success. Just make sure you don't get too drunk, because going home alone from a party and being drunk and horny is a dangerous combination.

Keep going!

 

[DayByDay]

Great stuff man, sounds like you're primed for success. Just make sure you don't get too drunk, because going home alone from a party and being drunk and horny is a dangerous combination.

Keep going!

Thank you for the advice I shouldn't have drank so much. Normally I would stay in a friends house, so the temptation to PMO is small. I am more worried about doing it at home to be honest.

Started up in the gym today. Can't believe the difference in energy and attitude while there. Nearly lost myself in a few fantasy a though because of girls there. I'm halfway asleep writing so I'll catch up tomorrow on D19

 

[mybestself]

Way to go DayByDay - You're really nailing your journal entries!!

 

[DayByDay]

Way to go DayByDay - You're really nailing your journal entries!!

Thanks man! To be honest I've been pretty bogged down over the weekend so I havnt got a chance to say much in mine or in others but hopefully I have an hour now to catch up on some! I guess the journal really helps me express my thoughts by writing em down and I spend a few hours at a PC each day so its no biggy to take 10/20 minutes

Day 18

Wow ... what a night. I have been having the craziest dreams recently. Last night was the second (I cant really remember the first) which went a little something like this.

I went over to Amsterdam with a few friends of mine and met this beautiful woman. We immediately hit it off and fall madly in-love and next thing I know I am at her apartment and were having sex. Its pretty stale sex but neither of us say anything, even though its our first time together. We continue on the day, just lounging around in hers until we end up arguing and it turns physical. Not physical as in we start beating each other, but domination physical i guess (pushing her up-against the wall, biting ...). She loves it. Were both satisfied afterwards. I realise then just how short she is in comparrison to me and I tell her that I have to go. She then rings all her relatives saying how I abused her and forced myself on her and she has the marks to prove it. Anyways I run away, and wake up just as I am getting onto the train. I literally woke midway through my first wet-dream of my reboot. 

I kind of tried to make sure it went the whole way even though I was semi awake ...

To be perfectly honest, I am not sure what to make of the above dream. I've never found domination or anything like that really appealing. Well maybe a little but never things like chains, or whips or anything like that you know ? You guys got any thoughts ? Like I can see where I got most aspects of the dream from (real life experiences) but it seems like such a strange sequence of events.

Before I went to bed last night I was feeling some urges to PMO. Probably the strongest I have had while I was sober since starting the reboot process. I knew however the pain I would bring upon myself if I caved into these feelings so I told myself just go to bed and they will be gone in the morning. Last night I think I was just feeling a bit hopeless, like it would never end or I would never heal. Looking at my counter today thought I see that I am nearly 20% through the rebooting process so let the days keep coming I say!

Anyways this morning I'm feeling pretty good. I feel great after the gym especially now that I know I am working on both my mental and physical sides so I'll keep doing what I'm doing.

Just one quick questions before I go, How do you feel about no sex while doing hard mode ? Is it part of the reboot or what?

I've read some people feel it slows them down while others think it helps. I guess why I am asking is because I am going to a few festivals over the summer and I imagine that there will be plenty of women at them. Most of them will happen during my reboot and to be honest, If I got the chance to sleep with a girl I'd probably take it because I think it would do my self-confidence the world of good.

 

[DayByDay]

Day 19

My Journal:
Up until now I have used whatever free time I had in work to write in my journal but I'm kind of annoyed I'm doing this. I know the important thing is that I'm still journaling but ... I shouldn't be in work. I am constantly checking the cameras to make sure nobody is coming close and as soon as they do I have to close everything down. It can break up any journal entry I am writing and just makes it feel like the entry's are rushed. So from tomorrow onward s I am going to take a few minutes while I am at home to sit down and think about what I am writing and just properly reflect in general.

My day:
So today started off really well. No weird dreams and I woke up on time at 06:15 ready to hit the gym. The session was really good as I had the whole gym to myself for most of it. Work wasnt/isnt to bad either and Im coming towards the end of the day which is even better. My friends from work are organising a night out this weekend but I am very tight on money at the moment. I could afford it, but to be honest Id probably be broke for the rest of the week (4-5days) and then would also end up doing some drugs I am sure, niether of which I am too happy about. On the flip-side of that though I really want to get out to try and meet some girls, even if it is just for kiss & dance and just generally do something different so I am not to sure. Guess I will have to wait and see how Im feeling come the night time.

My Flatline:
I am pretty convinced I am still in my flat-line phase despite my wet dream the other night. Its strange because  I really didn't expect it to last so long. Its been like this pretty much since day 1 and besides a few hours here and there has been constant. I am trying to take other peoples advice and to not worry about it but its hard not to ask yourself "when will it end?"

 

[dingbat95]

DaybyDay, I've been in flatline since the second day of my streak. Had one wet dream and one MW, and that's been pretty much the extent of life down there.

It's letting me know that yes, I did have a problem, and that I'm making progress toward fixing it.

 

[DayByDay]

Day 20

Flatline:
Still living in it. Little to no movement downstairs. Seems like its gotten a lot smaller. But its not a big deal to be honest. Its seeing little to no action at the moment (which is a good thing) so who cares how big or small it is. As a lot of people have said I know its part of the process and just means that your healing so Im rolling with it for now!

Heading out:
Decided to head out this weekend! Why not. Sure I may be left short on money during the week but I've got all my expenses covered so it wont matter to much. I wanna change my life, particularly my social life. I think I could count the number of times I've went out without my x in the space of two years on one hand. Its time to get out and live my life a bit, meet more people, experience new things, create some memorys. Sure I will probably regret it in the morning but ... well I dont care! I think its just gonna be important for me to try and pace myself and not get soo mashed that I can't remember anything.

Smoke:
So its been a while since I've had my last puff on a pipe. I haven't really felt any urges to smoke green. Don't get me wrong there's been times in the past were all I've wanted to do is roll a big fat one and chill out for the night. But I know buying the stuff, it never lasts for one night, its always a few days, which means you just end up vegging around then and it kills productivity. At least that's what I find. So I guess the next time Ill probably smoke is when I have a good bit of time to myself. Like during the summer. Until then, I'll have to just wait patiently.

Anyways day 20, tomorrow is my 3 week mark. Seem like time is going by so fast but at the same time it feels like I can remember each day.

 

[DayByDay]

Day 21

My thoughts on the three week milestone!
Wow ... I genuinely can't believe I've made it this far. When I first started out on this journey I thought to myself that I could do it, but it was going to be very painful,stressful and just tough getting there. I thought to myself, how am I going to survive 90 days no PMO when I can barley go 2 days. Now I know I am only 20% there, but man, this is really encouraging. Because I've been free from PMO for 21 days I'm starting to look around, look at other people, make more of an effort to talk to them rather than just running away after any pleasantries. I've started applying myself in other areas of my life. On the flip side its not like I have completley changed my life or anything. I still procrastinate (although not as much), I could probably spend more of my time doing career orientated things and I could probably push myself a bit further out of my comfort zone with regards to meeting new people or being flirtatious with others. But the progress is enough for me now. I'm just happy that I am doing something about it instead of just thinking about it and getting upset over it.

My X
Its been a while since we've talked as well (probably close to a month). To be honest I'm happy to be drifting away from him. I feel like I was never going to improve whilst I still had him in my life. He was a constant reminder of what happened and being the person that I am, a constant guilt trip whenever I wanted to go do something single people might do! We have only really talked once in work since, no texts, no meet ups, nothing. Defiantly for the best. I just have to be careful on any work nights out that we don't drunkenly start talking again. I am also thinking that maybe for some clarity it might be better to discuss with him how I am feeling, and how I feel about us drifting away. What you guys think?

Weed
I was talking with my dad about this last night. I was telling him that I missed smoking it, but I didn't miss the day after day usage I would normally get myself into after buying a quarter. He told me he had noticed I had started drinking a bit more since I quit which is totally true. I'm not to bothered by this though as its cheaper and a lot more social (considering MJ is illegal). So I think I will just have to keep going until I feel I am strong enough and well enough to be able to smoke and stop at my choosing. I know I can do it because when I first started smoking pot I was able to do it and there's been times during my usage that I was able to control when and how much I smoked. I think if I have the discipline to refrain from PMO for 90 days then I can discipline myself to smoke whenever I want to.

Anyways as usual, if you have any advice, comments, tips or just anything you might even wanna know more about feel free to comment below!

Thanks for reading!

 

[Pinky]

Congratulations on reaching the milestone!

Keep going! I would love to read about your experiences pushing yourself out of the comfort zone and meeting new people. I am struggling with that so far.

About your sexuality - my situation is the opposite of yours, most of the porn I watched in my life was gay porn, but I only had sex with girls. I believe that sexuality is neither discrete (straight / bi / gay), nor one-dimensional (like being 2.35 on Kinsey scale). It is more like Karma in Buddhism: the various attractions, tastes and fetishes one develops reflect the totality of one?s sexual and non-sexual life experiences, as well as the genes we inherit from mom and dad. So it is not that terribly important or helpful to put the right label on yourself.

What is more meaningful, is to protect the ?sexual Karma? from porn experiences - they are easily available and yet can be more powerful than real life sex.

 

[DayByDay]

Congratulations on reaching the milestone!

Keep going! I would love to read about your experiences pushing yourself out of the comfort zone and meeting new people. I am struggling with that so far.

About your sexuality - my situation is the opposite of yours, most of the porn I watched in my life was gay porn, but I only had sex with girls. I believe that sexuality is neither discrete (straight / bi / gay), nor one-dimensional (like being 2.35 on Kinsey scale). It is more like Karma in Buddhism: the various attractions, tastes and fetishes one develops reflect the totality of one?s sexual and non-sexual life experiences, as well as the genes we inherit from mom and dad. So it is not that terribly important or helpful to put the right label on yourself.

What is more meaningful, is to protect the ?sexual Karma? from porn experiences - they are easily available and yet can be more powerful than real life sex.

Well I'm heading out on sunday night. At the moment I see myself with two options. Abstain from drugs, have a few drinks and try and meet some girls, chat dance, just have the craic. If Im honest I got nervous even just typing that! The second option is to take something, have a good night with friends, and probably wont meet anybody special. I'm unsure what to do. I want to say the first option but I know it will be a lot harder once I heard the music and see my friends dropping as well. Either way Ill let you know and try push my social boundarys! Its an area I have been struggiling with for a long time though!

The sexual orientation. To be honest, Ive given up on trying to define it as well. For me whats important is that both partys love one another (as cheesy as that sounds) and there is some sort of attraction. It just happens that the majority of people I am attracted to are women.

On a completley seperate note I started playing the sims tonight. I dont know why I chose now to play it over any other time but its kind of irritating me. For a start, I love the game. Its sooo much fun. Nearly too much fun. I guess the core reason as to why people play it as well bugs me. Why would you want to waste your life creating a virtual life of what you want your life to be ? I spent most of my time tonight trying to romance a lady, and get her to move in with me and have kids. To be honest I was getting a little turned on when we were left in the room alone and the possibility of sex or "woohoo" as they call it was on the cards. Its bothering me a lot. I want to keep playing it because Im really enjoying it and its a nice way to escape from reality without having to go online to a quick/fast paced shooter. However, I dont want to use it as a sub either. I never had a full erection, maybe only like 20-30% but considering thats the most amount of movement I've seen down there in a long time I'm not sure what to make of it. Any thoughts ?

 

[Pinky]

I spent most of my time tonight trying to romance a lady, and get her to move in with me and have kids. To be honest I was getting a little turned on when we were left in the room alone and the possibility of sex or "woohoo" as they call it was on the cards.

That's weird, man  ;D

Looks like your sneaky brain is trying to find a way  to trick you into getting aroused and then escalating to PMO. Be aware!

As for video games in general, they are of course junk and useless, but can actually help in your reboot. If you cut out all pleasure, or if you try to overcome several addictions all at once, you will feel miserable and be more likely to relapse.

 

[DayByDay]

Day 22

Well, what a day. It all started with a shift in my part time job. 09:30-18:30 ... Not exactly something to look forward to but it's gotta be done really! Was fairly annoyed early on in work as I was just informed today that they were removing one of the very few perks we have in the place.
I felt so used and under appreciated that I am seriously considering quitting! The only thing is I need it for bills while I'm in college!

Anyways I ended up chatting to a girl (who has a fianc? she's not really happy with). I asked her if she wanted to do something after worked as we both finished at 18:30. I've always had a thing for her and I think it's mutual but obviously because of her situation we haven't acted on it. I did feel a bit more comfortable around her. I was able to make her laugh and we just had a good time hanging out. We even talked bout her situation with the fianc?e and mine with y x. We came to the conclusion that we both needed to move on an that she would owe me a date on October 1st if she had!

I was also asked by another girl if I wanted to come over to her house at around 22:30 for some coffee and a chat. Honestly I didn't want to wait around but I thought screw it, Carpe Diem and all that crap. Honestly I built it up a bit too much in my head. I imagined us kissing at least and maybe more. I could lie to you and tell you I didn't because of hard mode or I could tell you the truth and say I would've jumped at any opportunity I just didn't have the courage to make a move. We talked a lot about her x and how much he was hurting her. My libido was at an all time low so that was on my mind as well. Will my courage grow during the reboot process or is this something I have to try and achieve myself? I wanted to do something but had this fear of rejection or just a fear of her laughing at me ? All I thought about on the way home was "why did I do this...say that..." I honestly considered turning around an showing up at her door and just grabbing her but my libido just wasn't there! Please guys I need some advice on this.

This entry was written from a phone so I may flesh it out a bit more! Peace!

 

[DayByDay]

Day 23

Kinda pushed for time so I better keep this short. Tonight's my first night out in a long time. Still don't know what I'm going to do, if Ill take something or just have a few drinks! I guess we will see when I get in there!

I was having a think about it and the girls house I went over to last night. I'm pretty sure she may have just done that to try and make her x jealous on social media because she posted a few pictures and it was kind of all we talked to. Its funny because they knew each other about a month, and shes still hung up on him because he said three words, even though shes way out of his league, and he just talks garbage all day long.

Anyways, just no urges today, still flatlining. Wooo! 

 

[mybestself]

Hey DayByDay.

I can relate to going through a period of flatline, maybe because we're both at similar point in our day counters. The best way I can describe it is that I feel somewhat indifferent about sex. I know that I'll enjoy it if I were to have sex, and yet I'm perfectly satisfied to just not have it. Which is weird, especially when I consider how sex crazy I was in my early 20's (also a period in my life when I was watching a lot of porn).

Right now I'm not sure if the solution is to just let it take its own course and trust that it will sort itself out, or, if I should make an increased effort to initiate sex with my partner. Hmmm. On thinking about it there's no reason I can't do both together. So, I will on one hand trust that it will sort itself out and on the other try to help it along a little : )

mybestself

 

[DayByDay]

Day 25

The past few days have been one hell of a rollercoaster if I am honest. I went out sunday night with some friends to a techno DJ in our town. Really fun night, although I ended up doing some xtc and getting a serious love buzz with this girl. One thing led to another and we both ended up back at this small party afterwards. Despite us hitting it off in the club I ended up not going home with her though because of ... well a few reasons actually.

To begin with I did'nt feel any sort of drive or need to go. I wanted to stay with my friends, whether thats because of not wanting to leave my comfort zone or because I wanted to have a smoke with my friends I dont know. I also felt nothing down below. Dont get me wrong I thought this girl was attractive, a few years ago Im sure I would've been all over it. Now ... the discomfort ... the awkwardness ... the nothing being gaurenteed to work ... I just told myself I would'nt do it. I know Im going to have to face the fear sometime but I just didnt think that night was it. Its like im worried that well either nothing will work or Ill have no idea of what im doing, or just not be good at it at least.

Hmmm ... strange ... theres actually a bit more that I want to write down but I just really cant be bothered at the moment. Ill come back to this later! Peace!

My night out:
So yeh as mentioned I went out sunday evening to a disco. Met up with a few friends before hand, had some beers, went into the club, dropped an xtc, had a few drinks, danced the night away with this girl (from work) on the dance floor. The drink and drug combo probably wasnt the smartest idea and I ended up being pretty wasted towards the end of the night. Still managing to somehow hold it together though. As mentioned earlier, I jumped ship when it came down going home with her. I wasnt really feeling it but I still just wanted to do it. So strange isnt it ? Why do I feel the need to do it so much when I'm afraid of it.

Fast forward:
The following day I spent recovering/working. The next day ... well ... I took the day off work. I probably shouldn't have but I just really wasn't in the mood. I spent the whole day at home, watching some movies and playing some video games. I feel guilty. Really guilty. But I just have no energy at the moment. I'm assuming this has something to do with last nights sleep (which wasn't great as I feel asleep on the couch) and the smoking/drugs that I've been doing. Really disappointed in myself at the moment and was contemplating PMO a few moments ago. But Its not going to solve anything, in fact it will probably just make me feel worse about myself.

Does this mean I should give the drugs a brake for a while ? Or maybe even for good ? I did notice a pretty big improvement in my attitude and my health while not consuming any of them. But now, I just feel a worthless for caving in, even though It had been so long since the last time Id done them.

I honestly dont know what to think about it all.

On one hand I feel that I should be able to go out and experiment, drink, dance, take drugs and just do whatever I like I'm young and physically able. I know I should'nt abuse it buy surely once every now and then is fine and I should'nt beat myself up over it so much. Lifes all about fun right and if you enjoy it why not do it ?

On the other hand though I feel like ... No I need to focus on my professional life, my life of sobriety. I want to do well in life. I want to be successful and achieve something with it. Most importantly though I want to have somebody to enjoy it with.

My Urges:
The past few hours I've had a few urges to PMO. I was playing the SIMs 3 again and again I was trying to find a sexual partner. I think it might be time to un-install the game as it may contain a trigger for me and I worry that I might relapse if I keep playing it. I also noticed while having the urges I seem to be trying to convince myself that it would be okay to PMO, because of the weekend and I can clearly still attract women even though I cant pull the trigger.

I think I might need to re-asses my goals and try and find what it Is I want to achieve during this reboot. I know I want to be PMO free I know that for sure. What else though ... well I guess I really need to think about that before deciding anything.

 

[DayByDay]

Day 26

Tough morning
I fell asleep last night much earlier than my normal time. It was probably around 6pm when I first started nodding off only to wake up at 11:30pm, take of my clothes and get back into bed to continue sleeping. I ended up getting a solid 10-11 hours sleep. Despite this I still felt like absolute crap after waking up. I did'nt want to eat. I did'nt want to go to the gym. I wanted to take another day off and fall back into bed. But I didnt. Instead I forced my breakfast, and forced myself to get on my bike and meet up with a friend at the gym. I know we can feel tired from over-sleeping but I'm starting to feel that the weed has something to do with my poor mood.

Partners can help
I had made plans to train with a friend of mine who was off work for the whole week. This was one of the reasons why I didnt want to train this morning. Even though I get on well with him and we have a lot in common, I just wasnt in the mood to talk to anybody. I was nervous about my routine, what would he think of it, what would be think of my pathetic weights. However the thought of cancelling and the guilt I would feel pushed me through it and I went, probably having one of the most effective training sessions to date. It actually cheered me up a lot and helped me to get out of the rut I was in earlier that morning.

 

[DayByDay]

Day 27

Oversleeping much ?
Feeling a bit better today. Had a ridiculous amount of sleep again last night, close to 10 hours again. Normally Id get a consistent 7-8 hours each night as I don't like oversleeping/staying in bed (no matter how warm it is :/). Its really unusual for me. I'm going to make more of an effort tonight to try and get back to normal routine. I find the early mornings to be a killer (something which I never used to struggle with before a year or two ago). I'm forever snoozing my alarm and sometimes oversleeping just get extra minutes in my warm bed. Maybe it has something to do with the coldness of my house ?

My 2nd dream
So, I had my second wet dream last night of the reboot. I had been thinking about it before I went to bed, and how I would like for one to happen and then boom, it happens. I'm pretty sure I had similar thoughts the day before my first one. Could your thoughts have some sort of trigger effect on them ? I don't remember too much about the dream, other than it was with a girl I know. I cant put a name to her face but I definitely knew her personally. It couldve been the girl from the weekend just gone but I'm not to sure. Which I suppose is a good thing because it could mean my mind is slowly starting to think about real girls as opposed to pixels. Despite the WD I still have little to no action downstairs. My erection will eventually come back .... right ?

Productivity
Im really feeling more productive today in work. I haven't went near a computer until now but its my lunch so I'm okay to do so. I've been doing what I can when I can and have been doing it without caving into my fears or nerves. For the most part anyways ...

 

[Pinky]

I was nervous about my routine, what would he think of it, what would be think of my pathetic weights. However the thought of cancelling and the guilt I would feel pushed me through it and I went, probably having one of the most effective training sessions to date. It actually cheered me up a lot and helped me to get out of the rut I was in earlier that morning.

That's a small victory, DayByDay, great job!
Making plans to train with a friend was a very smart move!

Oversleeping much ?
Feeling a bit better today. Had a ridiculous amount of sleep again last night, close to 10 hours again.

I am experiencing the same thing. For the second day in a row I go to bed one hour earlier than usual. Perhaps because life seems too dull know and the weird dreams I have became the main form of entertainment for me.

 

[DayByDay]

Day 28

28 days later:
Today I hit the 4 week mark for no PMO. Its a big milestone but not nearly as big as the 30 day milestone coming up. It feels like only a few weeks ago that I was couting my 7 day milestone but it just shows you how fast time can fly if you put your head down and work work work. I guess I'll talk more about it on my 30th day for now lets talk about day 28.

MW:
Woke up with morning wood this morning. Probably around 75-80%. Even though I know this is a good sign I hate waking up with it. Most of the time when I see it all I want to do is bang one out. But I normally try and kick myself out of bed before my hands get a chance. Similar situation on the ride to the gym this morning. It was so bad I almost thought I wouldn't be able to train/get changed!

Coming out of flatline:
So I was reading another rebooters journal today and he mentioned that coming out of flat-line can be a very dangerous time in a persons reboot and your more likely to have a relapse during this period especially if your not careful. I feel like I've been in a flat-line since day 1 so I am starting to worry about how I will react once I do. Up until now my urges haven't been all that strong and ive had a low libdo for quite some time. I don't want to say its been easy up till now but it hasn't been hard either (hope that makes sense). That will all change (I assume) once I come out of my flatline. Does anybody have any tips,tricks or suggestions for dealing with these "new" feelings ?

Kicking coffee:
So its been 4 days for me without coffee. Well at least it will be in a few hours. How do I feel ? Well there hasn't been any shakes or serious withdrawals. Obviously there is times (in the morning or when i'm on break) that id love nothing more than a hot cup but I just move on. Honestly I feel pretty tired and drained most of the time though. Its like I have low energy levels throughout the day and I'm forever yawning (although that could have something to do with work). I'm hoping that after a week or two I will see my energy levels return to normal and then I can decide if I want to go caffeine free or not! My biggest fear would be to continue drinking it (just like I did with PMO) and realise a few years down the road all the damage its doing to me.