And this time I mean it!

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drollbot

Member
Day 11

Today has been a better start. There is not as much pressure coming from my triggers this morning. Not much to report at this time.

Something completely unrelated, I just sent in the last payment for my student loans. That was a great feeling despite the chaos of p triggers taunting me.
 
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drollbot

Member
Day 12

I am still consistently getting the itch in the afternoon. I can almost set a watch by it.

Been day dreaming more than his week. Lots of intense situations. The difficulty in the this is my brain starts rationalizing why a little cem emailing wouldn't hurt and probably make these fantastic scenarios come about.

A few things wrong with that: 1) in the 5 years I have been reading cem posts not once have gone through with meeting the girl, 2) to the best of my knowledge women don't typically enjoy getting with random men for some spontaneous activity unless they are damaged some how (please keep in mind that I fully acknowledge I am the damaged one in all truthfulness), 3)my pattern of behavior shows that I am not after sex. If I were I wouldn't be here on this forum, 4) finally even if I were to go through with what I am dreaming about, I doubt it would give me any satisfaction.

I rest my case. Better to be in a state of longing desire than on the shameful end of a dopamine rush.

Best to you all.
 
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drollbot

Member
Day 13

Just got to work and already I feel the urge for some cem. I hope it is short lived this morning. I have plenty to do and would focus better without the distraction.

 
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drollbot

Member
Well, I  surviving the day better than I thought. Its starting to get a bit easier to redirect my thoughts when certain desires arise.

Hang in there gentlemen!
 
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drollbot

Member
Day 14

One of my most recent struggles was with getting my first smart phone 2 month's ago. Yes, I know, I a. A man that works in the IT industry, but a total laggered when it comes to technology. I had an old candy bar style prototype prior to April.

I knew having the internet at my finger tips 24/7 would eventually become a greater temptation than I could handle I last a out two weeks before I caved and started diving deep into the muck of the internet.

For about two weeks it started getting really out of hand. For about two days I was looking up cem and p on every hour at work. I was being pretty blatant about it too, but sadly no body noticed/cared because I work for the state. (You really have to be trying hard in order to get fired.)

I realized the slippery slope I was on after I took a 20 minute long bathroom break and did the big m. The shame and guilt was immediate. That had to be the most unprofessional 2 weeks of my entire career. I coasted through the rest of the week very depressed and feeling like a total perve.

That weekend I started doing some research. My research lead me here and you know, this forum really does help with the itch.

Perhaps it is all mental, for the last 13 days I have utilized my phone for tons of fun stuff, and is not on the list. I  am relieved by this. Technology is a great solution for a lot of problems, but it can be the cause of several others if you let it.

Enjoy your weekend, gentlemen. Thank you for the support and fresh start.
 
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drollbot

Member
Day 17

A new week begins! Started biking to work and using a new exercise app. Fun stuff. Makes for a great distraction from the p and cem.

I'm setting new goals. Still have not managed to talk to any ladies today. Gonna take a short walk and see what happens. The weekend was good, no triggers. Stayed very busy. Hopefully the week will remain on the easy side.
 
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drollbot

Member
Day 18

The desire to sneak a peek is there. Thoughts like, what am I missing? What's new?

Sucks wanting to know about something that will offer only diminishing returns.
 
D

drollbot

Member
Day 19

Freezing cold out! Isn't it supposed to be may?

Well, I am beginning to really appreciate the harder triggers that make life distracting, because you know what they are and you can actively fight against them.

A trigger I am experiencing are the suttle boredom triggers. They don't have quite as much bite to them, making it easier to slip up. Boredom has always been my worst enemy.

I guess this is something else to be watchful of.

 
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drollbot

Member
And I just fell off the horse!

I caved and looked through a cem site. Damn it!

Curiosity got the best of me. I'm disappointed, but not giving up! To be clear I did not do the big m, but this is that same old slippery slope. Nothing changed, I was still disappointed with the end result; nothing but a lousy dopamine high.

We all will slip and fall. I have too much at stake to throw in the towel.

Has anybody else messed up recently? I feel like 2.5 weeks wasn't good enough. I was really hoping I had better will power. Still, I'd rather be honest than looking good and not make progress.

Again, thanks for the support. Please, don't give up on me.
 
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drollbot

Member
Day 20

Ready to try again. Like I said yesterday, I have a lot at stake. You know, my whole life.

Time to dust off and try again. I already know, again, that I there is nothing for me on those cem sites. That being said, time to move forward.

As always, I appreciate the encouragement from everyone. I will keep pushing forward.
 
R

RB15

Member
drollbot,

I recently relapsed too.

Will power is not the key. Thinking that it is will just set you up for more failure. If you're just sitting in a room by yourself with wifi, you will eventually relapse.

Two things have helped me recently:
1.) Reading articles on ybop. I think doing this everyday if you're thinking about P/CEM, even for just a few minutes, can help. It reinforces what's really going on inside your brain.
2.) Working on my life. Looking at what I'm doing on an hour to hour and even minute to minute basis. How many times do you just innocuously open a web browser with no purpose in mind? How many times do you do that before web browsing "slides" into something more. I'm shocked at how many times I just pull out my phone and go though needless updates on all kinds of apps. It's dopamine in smaller doses. And it's more than useless. It's harmful.

I mean, you know all this. You say you're setting goals, which is great. Biking and talking to one girl a day sound healthy. But what are you doing in that down time at your government job? You can't be biking and talking to girls when you have no work to do and a CPU is just staring at you. When you're sitting there and the hours are whittling away, what are you going to work on? If you don't have something constructive or at least recreational, how long can your will power really last? A day? A month?

I'm trying to focus on the positives... what I want my life to look like, specific things I'm going to do to get it there, and what I'm going to specifically do each day.

Anyway, great job on getting back on the horse so quickly, and good luck the rest of the week.
 
A

afb7

Guest
Hi drollbot.

My journal is a bit deceptive because I have been working hard on my recovery with openness with my wife for at least a couple of years, and have talked about it with therapists off and on over the last ten years.. Although the honesty with my wife really became a part of it about a year ago. I happened to join this forum because even when I was doing nothing everything else right, doing it alone kept screwing up my recovery. I didn't think I ever lasted longer than about 21 days. Writing about things every day here keeps me focused and organized in my head I guess, so I've made it longer than I ever have before.

So no, I haven't relapsed lately. But I've relapsed so many times before that that I think I know where you're coming from. Not sure what the key will be for you, but for me, it's sweating the small stuff. By focusing on not checking out women keeps me out of trigger territory, and I don't even think about P anymore. Hope you can figure out the key to your recovery soon.

Good luck today.
 
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drollbot

Member
Hey guys, thanks for the support. Falling off the horse really sucks. I'm trying to stay positive and motivated, not be very hard on myself. Thank you for the advice. Boredom really is the worst enemy in this.

Idle hands...I will work on finding something to do when doing nothing. Browsing the web certainly isn't the best choice.
 
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drollbot

Member
Day 21

Another day in the life. Thanks to all who support me. This is hard stuff for all of us.

I was thinking about the many years I've been in this mess and how every time it has been made known, how people react to it as if we have made the choice to not quit.

Anybody who has ever smoked, got hooked on sweets, weed, soda, alcohol should know full well that there is no such thing as just quitting. If it were that easy we wouldn't need sites like this, and millions wouldn't be spent on counseling every year.

Its upsetting how men and women with this addiction are looked at like pervs instead of recovering addicts.

Just my biased thought for the day. I'm probably just angry because I fell off the horse. Hope no one gets offended. Peace.
 
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drollbot

Member
Day 25

Getting back on the horse is challenging. I'm dealing with the issue of not really wanting to quit despite the issues that come with this crap.

I know the truth. Hopefully that will be enough, because will power will, does, and has failed me before. Time to just keep moving forward.
 
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drollbot

Member
Day 26

Went to an interview today for a position I was not qualified for...at all. Gave me quite a rush. I gave them BS to answer there BS. It was great! And the best part, no cem and p was related to the rush. Lol
 
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