53 and journal of change
- Thread starter 53nomorepmo
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53nomorepmo
Active Member
Last night was very busy so I wasn't able to discuss my plans with my wife to trash our DVD and VHS collection. However, it is going to happen and so far no temptation. Good MW this morning, and I am feeling better about myself everyday. I am so happy to be on track with this change.
I haven't felt the urge to PMO, but the habit is so ingrained that when I get on my computer I think for an instant about the address of a porn site I used to type in and check on daily. So wired is the habit that I had to laugh at myself.. It will be nice when I am not constantly thinking about it. Guessing I am at least a couple of weeks out on that part of my recovery, or at least I hope so.
I haven't felt the urge to PMO, but the habit is so ingrained that when I get on my computer I think for an instant about the address of a porn site I used to type in and check on daily. So wired is the habit that I had to laugh at myself.. It will be nice when I am not constantly thinking about it. Guessing I am at least a couple of weeks out on that part of my recovery, or at least I hope so.
Hey 53nomorepmo,
I am actually a few years older than you, and going through the reboot process, seriously, for the first time in my life. I have made feeble attempts to cut back or quit porn before, with not much success. Of course, repeated failures due to PIED eventually forced me to try and change. I believe high-speed porn is exponentially more captivating, stimulating, and yes, addictive, than magazines, VHS, DVD formats. No question in my mind about that. I can track back to when porn first started to become a serious problem for me (and my marriage), and it was back about 10 years ago, which is when high-speed intenet became abailable. I had a compulsion to use porn long before that. But, that is the timeframe when I basically realized I preferred porn to a real partner. Porn versus wife = porn wins! That's sick!
I also have no doubt that this is an addiction. People can debate it if they choose. I know what I know.
I have thought about doing just MO without the P. I have tried it. I believe it could be possible, post reboot, to use M as a stress relief tool, if sex with a partner isn't likely to be an option in the future. I know the frequency of sex in my marriage won't be anywhere near what my PMO frequency was, pre-reboot. hell, that was every day, several time s a day, and hours of edging. No wonder I was exhausted all the time! I suspect many others can relate.
But, for now, during the reboot process, I have learned that MO is not good for me. Not yet. I've been on like a 2-week cycle, several time now, PMO free. I end up caving at around the 2 week mark. One of those times, I MO's like 2 or 3 days before the PMO relapse. Chaser effect? Don't know. I can't really relate to the chaser effect, because I've never let any time elapse between sex with a partner and resuming PMO. But, after MO-ing I felt a very strong urge to PMO within a couple of days. So, maybe there is something to it.
Long-term, after a successful reboot (prbably at least 90 days seems to be the standard) I could see a place for MO, without the P, in my life, if there was no hope of a consistently willing partner. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We all have to find what works for us. At some point, I would expect that I would prefer sex with a partner to solitary MO. I would also expect that, post reboot, the MO frequency would go way down. No doubt in my mind, if you remove P from the equation, the other two (M&O) will take care of themselves. I just have to get to that place where I am able to reject P consistently, forever. As evidence of my continuous resets, I'm not there yet. One day.
I enjoyed your posts and the helpful replies from the forum.
Stay strong and good luck!
I am actually a few years older than you, and going through the reboot process, seriously, for the first time in my life. I have made feeble attempts to cut back or quit porn before, with not much success. Of course, repeated failures due to PIED eventually forced me to try and change. I believe high-speed porn is exponentially more captivating, stimulating, and yes, addictive, than magazines, VHS, DVD formats. No question in my mind about that. I can track back to when porn first started to become a serious problem for me (and my marriage), and it was back about 10 years ago, which is when high-speed intenet became abailable. I had a compulsion to use porn long before that. But, that is the timeframe when I basically realized I preferred porn to a real partner. Porn versus wife = porn wins! That's sick!
I also have no doubt that this is an addiction. People can debate it if they choose. I know what I know.
I have thought about doing just MO without the P. I have tried it. I believe it could be possible, post reboot, to use M as a stress relief tool, if sex with a partner isn't likely to be an option in the future. I know the frequency of sex in my marriage won't be anywhere near what my PMO frequency was, pre-reboot. hell, that was every day, several time s a day, and hours of edging. No wonder I was exhausted all the time! I suspect many others can relate.
But, for now, during the reboot process, I have learned that MO is not good for me. Not yet. I've been on like a 2-week cycle, several time now, PMO free. I end up caving at around the 2 week mark. One of those times, I MO's like 2 or 3 days before the PMO relapse. Chaser effect? Don't know. I can't really relate to the chaser effect, because I've never let any time elapse between sex with a partner and resuming PMO. But, after MO-ing I felt a very strong urge to PMO within a couple of days. So, maybe there is something to it.
Long-term, after a successful reboot (prbably at least 90 days seems to be the standard) I could see a place for MO, without the P, in my life, if there was no hope of a consistently willing partner. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We all have to find what works for us. At some point, I would expect that I would prefer sex with a partner to solitary MO. I would also expect that, post reboot, the MO frequency would go way down. No doubt in my mind, if you remove P from the equation, the other two (M&O) will take care of themselves. I just have to get to that place where I am able to reject P consistently, forever. As evidence of my continuous resets, I'm not there yet. One day.
I enjoyed your posts and the helpful replies from the forum.
Stay strong and good luck!
53nomorepmo
Active Member
NewBee said:
Thanks NewBee for the supportive comments! I have worn myself out reading on this topic just because I am so concerned about getting this right. While it is likely different for each individual I have come to realize a couple of things about myself and my problem.
My problem isn't/wasn't masturbation it is PMO. I was frequently masturbating sometimes all day edging and cumming because I liked the novelty, and rush... Problem was it was becoming more and more hardcore, and less in line with my actual sexual identity. I would, like a lot of guys in this forum, start off soft and get hard on the porn, which would lead to the masturbation. I was in pursuit of P in order to M. Not needing to M which led to P. A very important difference.
I was hoping to post a link here to some of Gary's material supporting this but couldn't find it. However, he mentions that cutting out MO during reboot is sometimes needed in order to get the brain dopamine system back on track, but he is careful to point out that MO is really not the issue it is PMO.. MO is pretty normal, at least in my opinion, except when you can't do it without P. In the end after my reboot I suspect I will be less interested in MO and expect and hope that it would decrease to a more normal outlet. Done possibly to relieve sexual tension. Until my reboot is complete I am trying to minimize it, and to not visualize P... If I need to MO I won't worry about it, but will try to do it correctly and for the right reason.
One thing I am beginning "even now" to come to grips with was just how bad my issue was. It was lots of edging. Everyday, and sometimes when I couldn't get alone time I would just remember what I had watched and unload later in the shower. It was totally screwing up my sex life which I perceived as being way too infrequent, but this perception was skewed by what I was watching. When I did have sex I was replaying a scene in my mind to make it more exciting and stay hard. I also had occasions where I was invited to the bedroom and couldn't perform because I had PMO'd that day for a few hours. Eh gad!
That said a lot of us older guys have "comorbidity" meaning we have more than one issue going on. I thought my occasional ED was just my age. Now I am pretty sure it was mostly PIED. At the end of the reboot I hope to be healthy. I hope to hold true to "PMO not being an option." I hope that when I am in need of a release that it is because I am hard and have no other outlet. Then when I MO, I hope that it is visualizing something real in my life and not P, which could never be real, and ironically and logically I wouldn't want anyway. I have been going at PMO pretty hard for about 15 years with breaks here and there. Fortunately while I had P in my life before then it was more occasional. I had real love making and years of it. I feel lucky in that regard. I know it will help me recover, because I am very clear on the goal.
Thanks to everyone that has commented, and I intend throughout my recovery to try to comment when helpful. At some point after recovery I will need to say goodbye to the forum to avoid focusing too much on the problem, and try to place it in the past. For now I am afraid it is a real struggle to put it in its proper place. The men on here have been so great, open minded and supportive it is overwhelming. I hope I can help others as I have been helped. I am grateful beyond words.
C
Chile
Guest
Hey 53,
I've read most of your journal and I learned quite a bit because your path has been a little different from mine. I'm glad you never suffered from the guilt and condemnation like I have. It has reduced your recovery to pure science and I have seen that approach work wonders for people. At the same time I now understand that for me, the guilt wasn't all bad. It got me to the point where I knew I had to stop. At one point I wanted to buy a life insurance policy that would cover my suicide, that way my wife would be taken care of. You can still buy those kinds of policies where I live, they are very expensive but I wasn't planning on paying the premiums for very long.
Anyways, from the looks of your posts I am quite confident that you will move on from this. RN plays a huge role in breaking this addiction, and many successful rebooters have said the same thing: time to fill my time and energy with other things. Your road to success will continue to inspire others.
I've read most of your journal and I learned quite a bit because your path has been a little different from mine. I'm glad you never suffered from the guilt and condemnation like I have. It has reduced your recovery to pure science and I have seen that approach work wonders for people. At the same time I now understand that for me, the guilt wasn't all bad. It got me to the point where I knew I had to stop. At one point I wanted to buy a life insurance policy that would cover my suicide, that way my wife would be taken care of. You can still buy those kinds of policies where I live, they are very expensive but I wasn't planning on paying the premiums for very long.
Anyways, from the looks of your posts I am quite confident that you will move on from this. RN plays a huge role in breaking this addiction, and many successful rebooters have said the same thing: time to fill my time and energy with other things. Your road to success will continue to inspire others.
53nomorepmo
Active Member
Thank you Chile, I am far from success as of now, but am confident I see a path... I am happy with my 19 days of progress. I saw your post to unchained's journal. As you recall he quoted from the bible a passage concerning guilt that essentially translates to not looking back only forward. Hopefully this gives you comfort. You have correctly assessed that I am coming at this from a secular point of view.
This has to be easier, and I feel lucky I can look at it this way. My struggle deals more with personal disappointment in myself, and my image I wish to project to others. I am in a very conservative profession. If anyone I do business with knew about my weakness with PMO it could damage me or even destroy my life. So it is a high risk proposition. This is a very good motivator... so while I really don't feel guilt for the act itself I do suffer in a different way. In addition, I have had the joy of a "normal" sex life many years prior to my total obsession with PMO so I think that helps me to understand the "rewiring" that needs to occur. I can't even imagine how difficult this would be for a young man in his 20's who didn't have this perspective.
Even so 15 years of hardcore and escalating abuse of PMO has done damage that needs repair.
By the way I do belong to a church that follows a philosophy of love, and compassion. A dedication to serving our fellow man, and a doctrine of tolerance. Inclusive of this tolerance - I am not to proselytize... Therefore I won't even mention this church by name. I only mention the forgoing so that you will know I do follow rules of conduct and really do care for others. I hope that perhaps you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself if you stumble since we are all flesh, we are all weak and all trying to find our way. I hope this forum can serve to assist you in your journey. We both know PMO is not an option we wish to choose.
This has to be easier, and I feel lucky I can look at it this way. My struggle deals more with personal disappointment in myself, and my image I wish to project to others. I am in a very conservative profession. If anyone I do business with knew about my weakness with PMO it could damage me or even destroy my life. So it is a high risk proposition. This is a very good motivator... so while I really don't feel guilt for the act itself I do suffer in a different way. In addition, I have had the joy of a "normal" sex life many years prior to my total obsession with PMO so I think that helps me to understand the "rewiring" that needs to occur. I can't even imagine how difficult this would be for a young man in his 20's who didn't have this perspective.
Even so 15 years of hardcore and escalating abuse of PMO has done damage that needs repair.
By the way I do belong to a church that follows a philosophy of love, and compassion. A dedication to serving our fellow man, and a doctrine of tolerance. Inclusive of this tolerance - I am not to proselytize... Therefore I won't even mention this church by name. I only mention the forgoing so that you will know I do follow rules of conduct and really do care for others. I hope that perhaps you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself if you stumble since we are all flesh, we are all weak and all trying to find our way. I hope this forum can serve to assist you in your journey. We both know PMO is not an option we wish to choose.
53nomorepmo said:
This is, also, my case. Some time ago I began a 12 Step Process, and in the first step I realized that I was placing at risk everything that is important to me in my life. Step One forced me to face the total irrationality of what I was doing, and start my long journey towards recovery.
sodonewithit
Active Member
Thankfully it never had the same negative impact as above but the progression would lead eventually to something dumb. If anything just getting caught directly would have been embarrassing but I guess I was confronted enough such that I should have known. I've never been a religious person but I have always viewed my professional life as though I might be judged by my once 5 year old children, in this case I would have been damned.
Anyways another positive day for us all and another tomorrow.
Anyways another positive day for us all and another tomorrow.
53nomorepmo
Active Member
Thank you all for your kind words of support, I began a lot of self reflection on why I made some of my poorer choices. I discussed this with a psychologist some years ago.. not PMO specifically, but why I choose spouses and girlfriends prior to this marriage who may have been somewhat on the "edge." His conclusion was that I had a high need for stimulation. Not in a sexual context necessarily, but this was certainly part of the issue.
In many regards this high stimulation need has led to rewards in my business life, but it has been a disaster in my personal life. It may also help explain why PMO became an addiction for me. I found this reflection on my behavior useful in trying to determine why I seemed to be driven to PMO and wild sexual situations. It doesn't explain everything, but it is one additional piece I am trying to understand. "No more PMO" is part of a bigger drive towards improvement. No reckless behavior with alcohol, thinking seriously about my health. Giving up smoking, which I started again around 5 years ago after having quit for 20 years. No more crazy decisions just to get a buzz or have fun.
I am working out 3 days a week, and trying to watch what I eat. Using a nicotine replacement to eventually get that monkey off my back as well. I have done it before I can do it again.
A lot of this reckless behavior started after my first wife died from cancer a short time after being diagnosed. I think, although I loved her very much I felt repressed. Sort of like I had missed the party. So began a very long period of poor decisions. A very long story, but suffice it to say I wanted to try every experience I had so zealously avoided, in order to achieve goals up until the time I lost my wife.
I had two children at 40 years less than one year apart, and a crazy journey with a much younger 2nd wife who had huge issues. She died from her issues last year in a fire after a long custody battle for my children. The fire was predictable as she was way out of control. So now I have a 6 year marriage with a wife who I love, but who also has problems, not on the scale of my previous marriage, but serious problems none the less. See, I hadn't stopped the pattern in time to see these issues. I hadn't yet changed my thinking. I know I can't change her, so I am concentrating on myself. I will be a better husband without PMO, and hopefully this will help her find her way too?
The PMO started in earnest (looked at porn occasionally before then) with the death of my first wife 15 year ago. It took my mind off things and I figured "what the hell, why not it feels good." but I see now it also contributed to leading me on a path to where I am now. It helped warp my sense of what I wanted in a spouse and for my life.
My two children (by my second wife) lost there mother, and I am a terrific father. I wouldn't do anything to hurt them. One of my children has disabilities and will need me her whole life. I need to be healthy for her as long as I can to be certain she is safe. I am working on myself and hoping to set a positive example. I am a competitive soccer dad, and have my other daughter in Special Olympics. My soccer daughter is a straight A student. I am both mother and father, and though my current wife tries to make up for my daughter not having a mom she is too sick right now to take on a parent role the way I would like her to, or the way they need her to. I love her, but I am not sure how this marriage will turn out. We have been married 6 years and together 7. I have 4 step children from my last two marriages.
PMO was certainly a factor in some of my bad choices, or it was one of them.. hard to say which, but I am sure now it is not an option and is part of a clean-up that may take the rest of my natural life. In short, it is time to clean up after the party! To get back normal love making, and not slink off to PMO in an imaginary world in a search of fake novelty. To make love to my wife thinking of only her.
Sorry for the long drawn out post, but this is actually the first time I have expressed any of this to anyone with complete honesty... It feels so good to finally be on the right path after being lost at the party for 15+ years.
In many regards this high stimulation need has led to rewards in my business life, but it has been a disaster in my personal life. It may also help explain why PMO became an addiction for me. I found this reflection on my behavior useful in trying to determine why I seemed to be driven to PMO and wild sexual situations. It doesn't explain everything, but it is one additional piece I am trying to understand. "No more PMO" is part of a bigger drive towards improvement. No reckless behavior with alcohol, thinking seriously about my health. Giving up smoking, which I started again around 5 years ago after having quit for 20 years. No more crazy decisions just to get a buzz or have fun.
I am working out 3 days a week, and trying to watch what I eat. Using a nicotine replacement to eventually get that monkey off my back as well. I have done it before I can do it again.
A lot of this reckless behavior started after my first wife died from cancer a short time after being diagnosed. I think, although I loved her very much I felt repressed. Sort of like I had missed the party. So began a very long period of poor decisions. A very long story, but suffice it to say I wanted to try every experience I had so zealously avoided, in order to achieve goals up until the time I lost my wife.
I had two children at 40 years less than one year apart, and a crazy journey with a much younger 2nd wife who had huge issues. She died from her issues last year in a fire after a long custody battle for my children. The fire was predictable as she was way out of control. So now I have a 6 year marriage with a wife who I love, but who also has problems, not on the scale of my previous marriage, but serious problems none the less. See, I hadn't stopped the pattern in time to see these issues. I hadn't yet changed my thinking. I know I can't change her, so I am concentrating on myself. I will be a better husband without PMO, and hopefully this will help her find her way too?
The PMO started in earnest (looked at porn occasionally before then) with the death of my first wife 15 year ago. It took my mind off things and I figured "what the hell, why not it feels good." but I see now it also contributed to leading me on a path to where I am now. It helped warp my sense of what I wanted in a spouse and for my life.
My two children (by my second wife) lost there mother, and I am a terrific father. I wouldn't do anything to hurt them. One of my children has disabilities and will need me her whole life. I need to be healthy for her as long as I can to be certain she is safe. I am working on myself and hoping to set a positive example. I am a competitive soccer dad, and have my other daughter in Special Olympics. My soccer daughter is a straight A student. I am both mother and father, and though my current wife tries to make up for my daughter not having a mom she is too sick right now to take on a parent role the way I would like her to, or the way they need her to. I love her, but I am not sure how this marriage will turn out. We have been married 6 years and together 7. I have 4 step children from my last two marriages.
PMO was certainly a factor in some of my bad choices, or it was one of them.. hard to say which, but I am sure now it is not an option and is part of a clean-up that may take the rest of my natural life. In short, it is time to clean up after the party! To get back normal love making, and not slink off to PMO in an imaginary world in a search of fake novelty. To make love to my wife thinking of only her.
Sorry for the long drawn out post, but this is actually the first time I have expressed any of this to anyone with complete honesty... It feels so good to finally be on the right path after being lost at the party for 15+ years.
C
Chile
Guest
Lost at the party was a great way to finish your post. Two wives who died??? You've been on some crazy roller coasters. Adrenaline and hyper-spiked dompamine are like tornado forces that sucked all of us into the fake sex whirlwind. I'm still amazed at how stupid and foggy it made me, as if pixels and solo sex with my hand were so fantastic and riveting. To have to admit that stuff still appeals to me, even now, turns my stomach. You can now get high on freedom with clarity and your daughters will greatly benefit from the changes in you. I admire the journey you've taken and glad that we're starting to see what life is like without porn.
53nomorepmo
Active Member
Bad day, wife just came in to my office shut the door and told me she was depressed and needed to be on her own. She does Xanax everyday and is on Zoloft as well as it is getting close to Friday and I know she wants to drink so I suspect that is what it is really about. Addicts have funny ways of passing off their issues to being someone else's fault. I have to pick my own children up from school... Guess I will just be doing that from now on since it is easier to plan for it than be constantly surprised by it.. I feel really sorry for her, but I am afraid this marriage won't last much longer. I have figured out there is really nothing I can do at this point except work on myself. My normal reaction would be to think about how I could get some PMO hits.. This is going to be tough, but porn is not an option I am done with that.
BTW this is a recurring theme with her... She really does suffer, and I do all the cleaning, most of the cooking - almost all, most of the shopping, run my business, handle all the finances, and all the outside work for the house. The kids and I do all our own laundry. She sits home all day as she doesn't work, and works on art work. She is a very good artist, but it isn't a living. Our deal was she could quit working if she would help out more, She has done very little. She was on her way to being fired from her job for missing a tremendous amount of work due to her alcohol issue. Third job in 6 years.. each one a little shorter than the last. Eh gad this doesn't help! Got to concentrate on me becoming a better person and putting this aside... this will be hard.
BTW this is a recurring theme with her... She really does suffer, and I do all the cleaning, most of the cooking - almost all, most of the shopping, run my business, handle all the finances, and all the outside work for the house. The kids and I do all our own laundry. She sits home all day as she doesn't work, and works on art work. She is a very good artist, but it isn't a living. Our deal was she could quit working if she would help out more, She has done very little. She was on her way to being fired from her job for missing a tremendous amount of work due to her alcohol issue. Third job in 6 years.. each one a little shorter than the last. Eh gad this doesn't help! Got to concentrate on me becoming a better person and putting this aside... this will be hard.
sodonewithit
Active Member
Thats not good. My wife had some issues after our last child, dealing with staying home and becoming despondent. This certainly didn't help my pmo issue but I never put the two together. Sorry to hear the bad news, I hope she gets better but we all know it's her choice in the end.
53nomorepmo
Active Member
Thanks Sodonewithit, need to stay strong and push my dysfunctional coping into the back of my mind. No PMO, or other vices to cope. Second time through this type of issue. Hope she pulls out of it soon enough, but it isn't looking good.
sodonewithit
Active Member
If all fails you can't bring this problem into another relationship. I hope it doesn't come to that but use it for a tool.
53nomorepmo
Active Member
Sodonewithit, right now the relationship is dead. It is a very serious issue, and it will take months to resolve one way or another, but I made a pledge that if she started to spiral down with alcohol again; it was time to get out. It is heartbreaking. The hard part is that I need to avoid sex as this gets closer to divorce. Sex may happen since I still love her, but it will be minimal since I don't want to send the wrong message. She sat out on our back porch last go around for 4 years getting drunk. She sleeps all the time she isn't drinking while doing this, and has essentially destroyed her career.
OK guys I know this is a PMO journal so I promise not to give a daily run down of this issue. This is how it relates to PMO. In the past when going through this and not wanting to have sex with my wife I would use P. This escalated my already existing issue to the point it is at now. I uses P as a tool and it f'd me up. So now I need to avoid this and as sodonewith it correctly stated - "not bring this to a new relationship," when and if that occurs. I need to have self respect, and be attracted to real women... "eh gad" this is going to be difficult. I used P when my first wife died to cope and to replace sex. Bad idea. I married someone with huge issues who loved all kinds of sex... This happened for a lot of reasons, but one of the reasons was P. I strayed outside my own value system. I don't feel guilty as much as stupid about some of these choices. P was right there helping me stay high, and pushing me in directions that I might not have gone.
I need to take responsibility for myself in using P as a tool in destroying my normal sexual response, and damaging my life.. Porn truly is not an option.
OK guys I know this is a PMO journal so I promise not to give a daily run down of this issue. This is how it relates to PMO. In the past when going through this and not wanting to have sex with my wife I would use P. This escalated my already existing issue to the point it is at now. I uses P as a tool and it f'd me up. So now I need to avoid this and as sodonewith it correctly stated - "not bring this to a new relationship," when and if that occurs. I need to have self respect, and be attracted to real women... "eh gad" this is going to be difficult. I used P when my first wife died to cope and to replace sex. Bad idea. I married someone with huge issues who loved all kinds of sex... This happened for a lot of reasons, but one of the reasons was P. I strayed outside my own value system. I don't feel guilty as much as stupid about some of these choices. P was right there helping me stay high, and pushing me in directions that I might not have gone.
I need to take responsibility for myself in using P as a tool in destroying my normal sexual response, and damaging my life.. Porn truly is not an option.
sodonewithit
Active Member
I don't have any issues if you want to use us and this forum to vent on any problems. I would say they are all relevant to one another anyways.
As for not fapping as a replacement we both know the only option is no but I agree it makes for a giant sigh. Sex with the partner isn't easy with this crap going on. Rock and a hard place for sure. Beating ones self for mistakes will only spiral the issue And whos to say they were mistakes on your part. We all think of events and sometimes color them to fit our picture.
As for not fapping as a replacement we both know the only option is no but I agree it makes for a giant sigh. Sex with the partner isn't easy with this crap going on. Rock and a hard place for sure. Beating ones self for mistakes will only spiral the issue And whos to say they were mistakes on your part. We all think of events and sometimes color them to fit our picture.
53nomorepmo
Active Member
sodonewithit said:
Thanks for the support... Today during lunch I was thinking what my report would have been if I hadn't had these issues pop up. I suppose I would have reported "no temptation to PMO" yet, but I think I have definitely flat lined. Although, it could be related to other things as well. Funny part is I now get what some of the guys have been talking about with regard to shrinking dick.. I swear it has turned into a wrinkled tiny turtle dick overnight...
I can see how this would be disconcerting to say the least to many who experience it.... Right now I just think it is funny. I also feel real "down" but with everything going on I can't identify the cause. I can say how I used to "get over it" isn't an option.
sodonewithit
Active Member
Flatline made me a depressed puppy and I also had the magic shrinking dick but it worked when the wife did her stuff. I'm still having issues getting truly erect if the bed stuff is tame, my wife use to be a tiger and I don't know how to turn it around again. I'm no Casanova either and my once booming confidence is hard to get back. A long time ago in another relationship I had a years long side fling where I was a total stud. I'm not sure who that guy was or how I meet him again.
Porn and that experience has not done me any favors at all. Look at me having a pity party in this lovely thread, for shame
Porn and that experience has not done me any favors at all. Look at me having a pity party in this lovely thread, for shame
53nomorepmo
Active Member
Being a soccer dad today and posting in the car waiting for a game. I am very down today but I don't think it is PMO. However still strong in my resolve to be a better person. I think being healthy and sober at all times will help me reboot. Plus I can't even have a single beer while my wife is having her spin down. Learned that the hard way. Keep sharp keep control and keep calm. No distracting dopamine PMO Hits.
53nomorepmo
Active Member
Weird - wife calls and says she wants sex. She isn't straight, but I figure well she wants to try. I come home, start getting intimate (conversation etc.), start to disrobe. She then tells me she won't do me unless I do a "bowl." I don't really smoke that often, and really don't want to at all since it is a bad influence and example for my kids, or at least in my opinion. She knows this. I decline. She says sorry something to the effect "no sex" - actually she drenched it in a bunch of addict bullshit about how I would be all there etc.. BTW I have asked this not go on at all in the house to no avail.
Wow you talk about triggers for PMO. In the past I would have found a way to go to PMO town and rub my troubles and desire away. Now what? Geezzz... When I catch her sober, and this may be a while. I am going to have to ask her not to do that again (if she remembers) this will piss her off since she doesn't care about me when she is spinning down.
Guys I am going to have to get myself out of this and it is going to be very expensive and hard on everyone. However, this lady is sick. Got to stay strong and be a better person so I can hold my head up and make good choices from here on out.
Wow you talk about triggers for PMO. In the past I would have found a way to go to PMO town and rub my troubles and desire away. Now what? Geezzz... When I catch her sober, and this may be a while. I am going to have to ask her not to do that again (if she remembers) this will piss her off since she doesn't care about me when she is spinning down.
Guys I am going to have to get myself out of this and it is going to be very expensive and hard on everyone. However, this lady is sick. Got to stay strong and be a better person so I can hold my head up and make good choices from here on out.