Jimmy James
Active Member
53, that was very strong of you. Keep it up. I pray for the best resolution possible for your relationship. Please remember your reboot is independent of the outcome of your marriage.
53 and journal of change
- Thread starter 53nomorepmo
- Start date
53nomorepmo
Active Member
After the weird episode with the wife last night I spent the evening watching TV while wife was on the porch getting tanked. I had good company with the kids. Went to bed around 11 pm as I wanted to get up this morning and work on a rental property I am selling. So last night I got a very ferocious hard on. I MO'd for the first time in 14 days. Obviously I had mixed emotions about it, but I was successful in visualizing sex with my wife (not easy right now). I used my right hand and tried not to give it the "death grip" mentioned frequently in the forum. I also tried to not prolong it. It worked, I came, and was able to go back to sleep. My wife has no problem with MO by the way, but she didn't wake up since she had been drinking, but it would have likely been ok if she had woken up.
OK so I have read about this, but thought I should mention it for other guys. My cum was very viscous, thick. My O was somewhat shallow, but enough to get the job done. Interesting, but I think this was all pretty normal. I am not feeling the need to MO again. Still tempted to PMO, but I am starting to understand the difference. I feel really good about it.
Finally asked the wife about throwing away the porn. I would have done this last night except I would have had to parade the bag in front of my daughter, step-daughter and wife who were out on the porch. Wife is trying to turn her daughter into a drinking buddy with some success. Wife got "pissy" about my porn question. She said "I don't care that is your shit." I explained I thought it was both of ours and was just trying to be considerate. However, thinking about it... I bought it, and while I did use it with her a couple of times I guess she never regarded it as hers. She probably wouldn't have purchased it, but she does use porn from time to time. So I guess it is mine? I probably rationalized buying that shit thinking it was a marital aid, while in reality she saw it as mine. Crap... perceptions. This change I am making is reframing my thinking in so many ways!
OK so I have read about this, but thought I should mention it for other guys. My cum was very viscous, thick. My O was somewhat shallow, but enough to get the job done. Interesting, but I think this was all pretty normal. I am not feeling the need to MO again. Still tempted to PMO, but I am starting to understand the difference. I feel really good about it.
Finally asked the wife about throwing away the porn. I would have done this last night except I would have had to parade the bag in front of my daughter, step-daughter and wife who were out on the porch. Wife is trying to turn her daughter into a drinking buddy with some success. Wife got "pissy" about my porn question. She said "I don't care that is your shit." I explained I thought it was both of ours and was just trying to be considerate. However, thinking about it... I bought it, and while I did use it with her a couple of times I guess she never regarded it as hers. She probably wouldn't have purchased it, but she does use porn from time to time. So I guess it is mine? I probably rationalized buying that shit thinking it was a marital aid, while in reality she saw it as mine. Crap... perceptions. This change I am making is reframing my thinking in so many ways!
53nomorepmo
Active Member
Rough weekend, but hanging in there. No smoking, no drinking, worked out, and didn't PMO. Got to work fired up the computer and started to type in a porn website I used to check daily. Not intentional at all... brain was disconnected from hand I guess. I stopped myself and came here. I think I can control this, but this autonomic response to my computer is just weird. Feeling better all the time. MW, but not urge to do anything about it. Very stressful time at home so trying not to let that throw me off. Thanks RN for all the support!
C
Chile
Guest
The way you are handling things is extremely admirable 53. It's great to have science clarify what's going on in our brains, but there is always a very human story in overcoming an addiction. You have been humbly transparent here and very patient in difficult circumstances. I also like how you recognize all the emotions for what they are worth while not letting them carry you away.
53nomorepmo
Active Member
Chile, thank you for the kind words!Chile said:
My wife turned a positive corner last night. She was sober and straight. She asked to make love in the morning, and I was able to rise for the occasion. It was much better than it has been in months. More intimate, that is, I was in the room and not in my head. Wow it is working. We do love each other, even though other issues might ultimately bring this relationship to an end, I am connecting with myself during sex more effectively than I ever have in the past. I know she could tell, so progress. Good bye PMO hello real life.
53nomorepmo
Active Member
Wife woke me up last night for sex, and I was able to perform. Very nice, since in the past this type of situation was hit or miss. She wasn't entirely straight last night, and I have to admit I wish she was there without being under the influence, but she wasn't completely out of it. Anyway just checking in 1/3 of the way to my goal, M'd only twice, sex 3 times... seems pretty normal for a guy my age. Totally adopting a philosophy of not altering my dopamine with anything... no alcohol, no drugs, no PMO. At least during the reboot, and no PMO ever. I have never been an alcoholic or drug addict, but why play with fire? I want be sure I am really able to absorb and think about me and how I react to things naturally. I want to make good personal decisions and base relationships on reason and real responses. No more fantasy life.
C
Chile
Guest
You're doing fantastic 53. It would be easy to fall back on other unhealthy things to replace porn.
53nomorepmo
Active Member
No urge for anything right now. Wife saw an attorney yesterday. She doesn't know I know, but it was pretty easy to figure out. This was in response to me letting her know that I couldn't live with her drinking all day. Here is the interesting part, I am actually relieved and happy about it. I have a pre-nup and I am going to be fine.
So as for my "no more PMO" journey - maybe all this gathering of my self-respect is helping me come to terms with the nightmare I have been putting up with? I don't know, but I do know that going forward I am going to be the best person I can be, and let the cards fall where they may. So right now no urges for anything sexual, and that is probably normal and right. No self-medicating with PMO, then feeling like a creep, that deserves to be treated like shit by my wife. I will contact an attorney today and get something going. I don't want to file for divorce yet, since I have some major transactions I need to get out of the way first. In the meantime if the wife changes her ways she can save this thing, but I doubt she will.. Poor lady is a mess.
So as for my "no more PMO" journey - maybe all this gathering of my self-respect is helping me come to terms with the nightmare I have been putting up with? I don't know, but I do know that going forward I am going to be the best person I can be, and let the cards fall where they may. So right now no urges for anything sexual, and that is probably normal and right. No self-medicating with PMO, then feeling like a creep, that deserves to be treated like shit by my wife. I will contact an attorney today and get something going. I don't want to file for divorce yet, since I have some major transactions I need to get out of the way first. In the meantime if the wife changes her ways she can save this thing, but I doubt she will.. Poor lady is a mess.
53nomorepmo
Active Member
Just checking in. My personal issues (wife drinking problems) are getting worse so I am going to ignore them (on here) since they just cloud my discussion with regard to the PMO battle. The only issue; with her issue as it relates to PMO is that it is a trigger (problem avoidance - poor coping).
Relating to my trigger I have reverted to an old habit of thinking about PMO and wondering if Mr. Happy still works. Seems like this used to lead to PMO in the past. So far I haven't been tempted enough to break, but it was weird that I was thinking about it. Gave myself a tug when I had MW, but stopped since I couldn't visualize properly and it wasn't going to be inline with the goal... So no M to O or sex. Feeling more confident even with the crap storm that is my life right now. I am finding my reactions to problems are controlled. Wow, this whole reboot thing actually seems to be paying some unexpected benefits.
Relating to my trigger I have reverted to an old habit of thinking about PMO and wondering if Mr. Happy still works. Seems like this used to lead to PMO in the past. So far I haven't been tempted enough to break, but it was weird that I was thinking about it. Gave myself a tug when I had MW, but stopped since I couldn't visualize properly and it wasn't going to be inline with the goal... So no M to O or sex. Feeling more confident even with the crap storm that is my life right now. I am finding my reactions to problems are controlled. Wow, this whole reboot thing actually seems to be paying some unexpected benefits.
sodonewithit
Active Member
It certainly does pay unknown benefits and Mr Happy will work when needed. For the first time in my life I was asked to spot a dude for his bench at my gym. I'm sure this wouldn't have happened if I was spewing my energy on the floor and eww in hindsight.
C
Chile
Guest
I haven't mentioned this before, but your situation with your wife sounds a lot like my brother's experience with his wife a few years ago. He made all the money and did all the cooking, cleaning, and parenting. He even spent $30,000 for her to go to a detox program in Arizona. Nothing worked because she didn't want to change. She just sat on the back porch every night with her alcohol, cigarettes, and phone. She tried to be a cool peer to her two daughters but it ended badly. Eventually my brother felt he had no choice but to divorce. Now his two daughters live with him and want nothing to do with their mom. I know you know this, that you can't keep others from wrecking their lives if they're dead set on it. You're doing a great job with your reboot and it's really helping you handle your situation at home.
53nomorepmo
Active Member
Thanks Chile, I appreciate that you read and understand the issue.. It is a tough one, and I am tired. The PMO change is part of many changes I am making. It is hard to isolate the benefit of each one, no booze, more exercise, no smoking, but I can really feel a new sense of purity and self respect that is making my mind more at ease than it has been in years. I had no idea while in the middle of the PMO issue the damage, but it really does appear as though PMO had robbed me of some of this "sense of self" and I am glad to be back. Hope I don't slip up, but so far it seems to be going very well.
sodonewithit
Active Member
You are doing so good. It's a shame what comes of this process but it has to be for the better.
53nomorepmo
Active Member
Wife swears she is getting her issues under control. We will see but very good news. We made love last night. It wasn't fireworks, but I was able to perform, and felt pretty good. No PMO. I did in the intervening weeks M once more for a total of 3 times during reboot. I shared with my wife a little more about what I am doing (no PMO) here, without being too specific. I did toss all the DVD and old VHS porn. I told her that I thought P was becoming too important and there were things about it that made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't share the fact that I could spend hours edging to it. I know she wouldn't want to hear about that.
So all is a looking a little better today. I am convinced that a big part of my ability to wrap my arms around controlling my life have to do with my gaining control over myself! This change is definitely on my top 10 best decisions list.
So all is a looking a little better today. I am convinced that a big part of my ability to wrap my arms around controlling my life have to do with my gaining control over myself! This change is definitely on my top 10 best decisions list.
53nomorepmo
Active Member
Trigger day! Geez... I am suffering from full blown temptation more than usual. Here is what is going on. I am in my office alone today, I have 3 huge monitors and high speed Internet in front of me. I have plenty of projects, but really don't feel like working. So at least I am recognizing it. Opportunity to PMO - trigger 1, Desire to put off work trigger 2, and weirdly the final trigger FaceBook.. this is a new, but I am finding that a particular friend who is posting her body building pics is creating an issue today. These are not sexual pictures, she is just proud of her accomplishment, so need to adjust my thinking here. So I spent time listening to YBOP radio shows... Now I need to get to work! How do I know this is a PMO type issue? Simple I am not needing to M or anything just wanting to PMO so I can avoid work, and want that rush. I guess it is good it isn't everyday I have felt this way.
unchained
Active Member
Hey man...you are doing good.
If we were never triggered at all, or if we moved to a mountain top alone and shut out the world and avoided all triggers we would never really heal. To work past the addiction you have to do exactly what you did. You were triggered, recognized it for what it was, changed your focus to something that was constructive or at least a positive reinforcer and then moved on. That's how it is supposed to work.
I feel that as time goes on and we heal, that it may be that triggers don't really go away at all. It may just simply be that we learn to direct our thoughts and thereby direct our behaviors better. The more we do it, the easier it gets. Eventually, it is no problem at all. Just like someone who is a master of an instrument doesn't have to think about something they've done a million times...they just do it without effort. As we do what you did today...over and over...we get good at it. Eventually it may not even feel like we are being triggered just because we get dang good at directing our thoughts. It's kind of a liberating feeling when you see that you don't have to kill the porn thoughts. It won't happen no matter how hard you try. You just have to recognize the thought for what it is, choose not to act on it and keep moving on.
If we were never triggered at all, or if we moved to a mountain top alone and shut out the world and avoided all triggers we would never really heal. To work past the addiction you have to do exactly what you did. You were triggered, recognized it for what it was, changed your focus to something that was constructive or at least a positive reinforcer and then moved on. That's how it is supposed to work.
I feel that as time goes on and we heal, that it may be that triggers don't really go away at all. It may just simply be that we learn to direct our thoughts and thereby direct our behaviors better. The more we do it, the easier it gets. Eventually, it is no problem at all. Just like someone who is a master of an instrument doesn't have to think about something they've done a million times...they just do it without effort. As we do what you did today...over and over...we get good at it. Eventually it may not even feel like we are being triggered just because we get dang good at directing our thoughts. It's kind of a liberating feeling when you see that you don't have to kill the porn thoughts. It won't happen no matter how hard you try. You just have to recognize the thought for what it is, choose not to act on it and keep moving on.
53nomorepmo
Active Member
unchained said:
Thanks unchained, I really hope it becomes easier to redirect. Right now I am floundering a bit, and wasting too much time at work trying to avoid it. I might need to introduce some sort of meditation ritual or something... I don't know, but I plan on changing this PMO thing for good.
unchained
Active Member
When I first attempted reboot, I thought meditation was hocus-pocus. I tried it none the less and found it calming. Now I am beginning to understand the true power of meditation. The calming effect is nice but meditation will give you the power to redirect your thoughts. Practicing it is like flexing a muscle or like becoming a virtuoso. Do it daily and when the triggers arise, you have already developed the brain power to take your thoughts where you want them quickly and effortlessly. This is a new concept to me and one I am working into my process.
53nomorepmo
Active Member
Short update. Soccer dad weekend, complete with long out of town drives. No sex, no PMO, did MO to relieve tension. Starting to think I need to concentrate on not doing MO as well. Just may need to cut it down or out during the reboot. I have done MO 5 times in total during reboot and it was much different than the old PMO sessions, more normal, however, it may be slowing my progress slightly. If I was younger and didn't have the experience to know how PMO rewired me sexually I don't know how I could even figure it out. I feel lucky to be older and more experienced in that regard.
I am generally happy with my progress and recently the temptation seems to have gone away. Still thinking about how to add meditation. My approach usually requires a lot of contemplation before I make a change. So I likely will add this at some point, but maybe not immediately.
Overall I am happy with my decision to remove P from my life. I just feel better about myself. In addition, I feel good to not to be contributing to the industry as a consumer. I don't really have a moral objection to the sex part, but I know it is likely some are exploited as part of producing all that P and I don't want to be part of the problem anymore.
I am generally happy with my progress and recently the temptation seems to have gone away. Still thinking about how to add meditation. My approach usually requires a lot of contemplation before I make a change. So I likely will add this at some point, but maybe not immediately.
Overall I am happy with my decision to remove P from my life. I just feel better about myself. In addition, I feel good to not to be contributing to the industry as a consumer. I don't really have a moral objection to the sex part, but I know it is likely some are exploited as part of producing all that P and I don't want to be part of the problem anymore.