53 and journal of change

[AndyMac]

I've been captivated by your journal.  Thank you.  I'm extremely new here, so hesitate to offer advice.  But ..... have you considered Al-anon?  Some folk in similar position to you find it helpful. I'm a 12 step fan, and not everyone is. Thank you for your support and every good wish to you.

 

[53nomorepmo]

I've been captivated by your journal.  Thank you.  I'm extremely new here, so hesitate to offer advice.  But ..... have you considered Al-anon?  Some folk in similar position to you find it helpful. I'm a 12 step fan, and not everyone is. Thank you for your support and every good wish to you.

Hi AndyMac, thanks for the suggestion.  I have been to Al-anon and was a regular participant for some time.  Ultimately I found it wasn't for me since I couldn't clue into two portions of the process - without going into detail; a secular more science based approach to the issue seemed to work for me.  I really do appreciate your reading of my journal and thinking of this suggestion!

I should mention that I have incorporated one aspect of the Al-Anon and AA philosophy into my everyday life.  It has helped me immensely.  It is the serenity prayer.  Whenever I find myself stressed even by the most extreme situations in my life I reflect on whether this falls into the category of that for which "I can" make a change or that which "I can not"... If it falls into the "can not" I have learned to let a calm come over me and let events carry me where ever they do.. 

The power of letting go is amazing.  My spouse's battle with alcohol is hers to beat.  My responsibility is to my children and myself.  Knowing this allows me to simply let it be known that I will move on without her... Amazingly this seems to have helped her sober up.  At least for the last couple of weeks.  If she reverts.  I begin to work on my plan to eliminate the issue from my life.  Simple and empowering.  It takes away her power to blame, confuse, or control me with her addiction.  It may or may not work in the end, but as I don't control, or even try to control her addiction it makes my life better.  So there are very positive things that can come from Al-Anon.  I am using many of the tools I learned about in Al-Anon in dealing with PMO issues herein.

I am not perfect at differentiating between "that I can change" and "that I can not," but I do make a constant and continuing effort at keeping the two option in my thoughts and apply it to all aspects of my personal and business life.  It is a flawless philosophy in my humble opinion.
 
PMO I can change.. And thus, my participation here.

 

[53nomorepmo]

Haven't had sex in about 10 days, and the temptation to PMO has been unusually high.  I have had lots of triggers as work is slow, and I am alone a lot of the day so it has been very difficult to resist temptation..  I have played the following thoughts "well what difference does it make since I am not getting any (sex) anyway" or "so I fall off, big deal I can start again" - typical addict bullshit. 

I have been listening to YBOP radio shows to try to stay with the program.  The Internet is a jungle.  I did a search on why masturbating to porn is bad, and came up with a site that listed 20 some odd reasons.  Problem is that it was complete with videos that were triggers so I had to stop reading.  Posting here helps and just keep telling myself, "porn is not an option."

 

[RSGrimm]

53nomorepmo, I also have problems when alone. I have noticed a few things that do help. When on the road if I fall at one hotel and then move to another it is easier to resist in the new hotel then the one I fell in. Some things I read on BYOP suggest changing the organization of the room. Perhaps moving to the other side of the desk might help. I know that companies that do a lot of creative computer programing make their personnel move work position every week to develop new perspective and maintain creativity. I have been in a new house the last two weeks and I am not as tempted as I was in my previous house. I could almost feel the dread when I entered my old office. Hope this helps. You have made such great progress and you will continue to do so. We are with you!

 

[53nomorepmo]

RG, that is great advice.  I think what may work for me is creating a new habit of throwing myself straight into work as soon as I sit down.  Maybe scheduling so that I am out of the office during these times when I am alone?  Anyway, I hear what you are saying and I am going to try to change my environment and/or routine so I don't flash into PMO mode to cope...  It is going to be a challenge.

 

[AndyMac]

Completely agree about the serenity prayer. After a few months in AA, dutifully reciting this at the close of every meeting, it dawned on me that with the exception of the weather and the force of gravity (and such) there was nothing I thought I couldn't control. Delusional.

 

[53nomorepmo]

Completely agree about the serenity prayer. After a few months in AA, dutifully reciting this at the close of every meeting, it dawned on me that with the exception of the weather and the force of gravity (and such) there was nothing I thought I couldn't control. Delusional.

I made some horrible mistakes suffering under the illusion that I could control more than I could.  I probably still error, but not as often, and my piece of mind is much better.  Probably one of the biggest and repeated errors was thinking I could change someone else, when in reality there is no way to do so.

 

[53nomorepmo]

Well hell, dust myself off and start again.  Options 1) Leave the group and give up, or 2) Dust myself off by admitting the screw up and going again.  Decided on the last option.

 

[Chile]

Good choice 53! For me it would suck if you had chosen to drop out. Don't be discouraged if you have a little trouble finding your traction again (hopefully you won't). Stay in reboot mode and you will continue to make great strides! You're not the same guy you were. 

 

[AndyMac]

Selfishly, I'm glad you're still here.  For me the model of addiction as illness has merit.  A relapse is a relapse, neither more nor less.  Addiction is a condition characterised, inter alia, by relapses.  Having a relapse doesn't make any of us a bad person.  I'm glad you're still here for me.  I value what you say to me.  I need to be reminded that this is a relapsing condition because I'm at risk of thinking that I've got it cracked.  I get a daily reprieve, that's all.  One day at a time. 

I completely agree about the impossibility of changing someone else.  All I can really control, and even that intermittently, is myself.

Thanks for being there.

 

[Kurall_Creator]

I just read your full story.

I'm glad you're sticking around. Knowing we fall and can get up again is something liberating!!!

We fall so we can learn to get back up.

 

[RSGrimm]

53nomorepmo, I am so glad you stayed! I encourage you to not consider this as starting over but just part of the process. Take some time to reflect on you fall. What were the triggers the emotions the environment that led to it. Write them down, put a plan to counteract them together. Write yourself a letter to be opened when you get to this point again to remind you of why it?s not worth it. Thanks for being here with us.

 

[53nomorepmo]

I encourage you to not consider this as starting over but just part of the process.

Thanks everyone for the support, I suppose intellectually I know this is all part of the process, but obviously I am disappointed with myself.  Interesting in reflecting on it how I just got this seemingly overwhelming urge.  Follow the rationalizations.. then, the act.  One thing I learned from my AA friends.  Failures are planned.  Just need to avoid planning the next one.  I know PMO is not an option!

 

[unchained]

Hey 53.  You are not starting OVER...just keep that in mind.  The counter can be a source of inspiration, but it can be discouraging as well.

Make yourself a spreadsheet.  I use one that starts from the day I last PMO'd.  I track days since last PMO, MO, % of days that I PMO or MO and all kinds of other data I've come up with (such as I MO 1 out of every however many days).  On day one, I was PMO'ing 100% of the time.  Since a PMO is also a MO, I was MO'ing 100% of the time as well.  Every day away will make those percentages drop.  Let's say you made it totally clean for 25 days...then you would have been PMO'ing 4% of the time or once in 25 days (that once being the your last acting out on day 1).  So, you screw up on day 26 (day 25 since last acting out), then your PMO'ing now 7.7% of the time or once every 13 days.  That is TONS better than 100% of the time and once a day, every day.  Mess up twice on the day you slipped, well that is acting out 11.6% of the time, or an average of once every 8.7 days.

The goal is to keep progressing, not worrying about starting over.  After a slip, a few good days will keep those numbers shrinking and headed back in the right direction.

I've been doing the same thing but including MO as well as PMO.  While not really worried about cutting MO out of my life completely, I feel that limiting it is helpful.  I thought about installing a MO counter, but felt it would be discouraging to see it reset to zero all the time.  In the end it seemed more of a positive to see the averages slowly move in the right direction.

It might sound a little OCD, but it is truly more helpful than counters and the mindset of being completely back to square one.  Also, logging in the info and looking over the history of data can be encouraging as your streaks build in length.  YOu can more accurately see your pattern of behavior and possibly pick up on negative trends as well.  Let's say your MO sessions start to rise noticeably...ten you may need to watch yourself closely b/c too frequent MO can easily lead back to PMO.

 

[Chile]

Good word for the day: failures are planned. I would not have understood that logic not too long ago.

 

[53nomorepmo]

Unchained I like that idea.  I have been journaling these events, but that will get dull over time, plus it is really for me.  I hear you about the counter, but the trade off of being held accountable is worth the reminder I fell.  Thanks for the support Chile, I really do appreciate it!

 

[bob]

Starting to think I need to concentrate on not doing MO as well....

(and)

In addition, I feel good to not to be contributing to the industry as a consumer.  I don't really have a moral objection to the sex part, but I know it is likely some are exploited as part of producing all that P and I don't want to be part of the problem anymore.

53, two points that I have also thought about recently. Good to be back and reconnect. You guys make all of this possible.

Thanks for being here brothers

 

[53nomorepmo]

To everyone who has been following my journal.  I am going to go dormant for awhile.  This forum is great, and will be very helpful to me when I return.  However, right now my wife's alcohol issues have become much worse.  She is acting out in a way that makes me need to focus on getting a divorce and protecting my children and assets.  So while I need to concentrate on PMO as well it is just too much on this guys plate at one time.

I will return when things settle out since I know eventually I will want someone new in my life who isn't a pixel fantasy.  PMO isn't really an option.

 

[Chile]

Everyone here understands 53. You won?t be forgotten while you?re away.