Ulaozin Journal: First reboot

[ulaozin]

I want to make a few remarks in my journal.

First thing, today I started doing meditation and yoga again. I did yoga at home with youtube videos for the last years. It was fine, but I couldn't meditate, and I didn't reduce my porn frequency that time because I didn't know or was not prepared to know about it.

I did meditation during the first weeks and months of abstinence and it worked, it helped me sustain more time without a relapse. I stopped when I felt comfortable.

I will start meditating again for the following reasons:

First, I read this and I think it is probable: "If you continue to masturbate to porn-inspired fantasizes, then yes, they can last indefinitely."  In this topic: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=6051.0

I recall that in the beginning every fantasy I had was capable of making me relapse with porn. I had to do many mental tasks to take the fantasies away. Meditation helped a lot, counting down numbers too, I did things like body drumming in the shower to distract myself from masturbation.

I started willing masturbation again in the weekend from 07/02 to 07/06 when I went with my wife to take care of her mom. I became soft or indulgent with my fantasies. It was not near as frequent as I used to, but it is delaying my recovery. So that weekend was a split in my path. From there to now I was not entirely fighting my fantasies, and at the same time I became capable of denying me porn without truly deny myself the fantasies I learned with porn.

I will think about this as "a circle of action". First I conquered some part of my outer circle, I'm capable of sitting in the computer and do things alone without my wife's supervision. It is not a guaranteed ability, and I should not relax and think that I'm in full control. But now, I definitely have to tackle with my inner circle: the sketched actions in my head, the images and voices and desires that I definitely don't intend to put out as willed action - and more than that, they are in the way of conquering back my capacity for healthy sexual intimacy.     

After all, I'm putting again a m counter. At the beginning I'm not putting a long goal for this one. My goal will be established by beating the next m with or without o.   

 

[ulaozin]

Ok. 34 days. That's my best record so far. I'll keep going!

I want to continue my evaluation of my progress. I plan making a timeline of it, but I don't know if I'll have time today or during this week. 

 

[CrazyGopher]

Congratulations on your record, ulaozin! You are doing great, keep it up  ;D

 

[ulaozin]

Hello Man!

Thanks for the smile. It makes me smile too!  ;D

 

[littlewing]

Hi Ulaozin

First of all, thank you for the comments on my journal, it means a lot to me. From reading your journal it seems like we've gone through a lot of similar struggles. One thing I read from your post a few days ago:

I have anxiety crisis at bed. Usually when I lay down is the time I think about everything I have to do

This used to be a big problem for me as well. Have you tried writing a to-do list? I find this helps A LOT. I keep a little notebook and each day I write down what I need to do and tick it off as I go along. It helps to stop me obsessing about things and it means that when I'm getting depressed about not doing anything I can look back at the last few days and see what I have actually done. Sometimes it seems like we haven't done anything because there has been no measurable progress but every step that we take in the right direction is important. I know this helps because yesterday I failed to do it and I started to feel the anxiety creeping into my day.

A book that I have found very useful that I think you might get a lot out of is called The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson.

Good luck and all the best.

 

[ulaozin]

Hi littlewing,

I will follow your advice. I tried to write down my routine in a notebook for my therapist. So that she could know what I was doing, but I got to obsessed registering every little event of the day. I think I've done it only for 2 weeks and nevertheless the results were good.

I will do an easy list this time. Just a to-do list like you said and I'll also write down the hour I wake up and sleep. 

 

[ulaozin]

In this post I want to talk about only the good stuff until now:

1- I don't have brain fog anymore, or it is so low sometimes that I don't know if its a brain fog or it's me who is tired or bored of reading something I have to read.
2- I told before that I don't shake my legs anymore and it's truth. Except when I'm at the gym (Oh, I wonder why, hehe) or when it's too late and I passed the time of sleeping - which is perfectly natural.
3- My paranoia is very, very lower. I still don't like to expose myself in social networks, I still feel very upset to make comments at class, even when I want to comment. But I don't leave home wondering if the computer is open with porn even though I would check many times before leaving. I don't walk the streets feeling like a pervert. I still have a constant feeling of inadequacy and of being afraid of others judgment, but I can dismiss it more frequently to do what I want to do. For example, this forum is my first experience of online encounter with people. I passed the whole social media era until now only scrolling into foruns or blogs or precursors of facebook looking at what interests me without making any real contact with people. I already told here that most of my gaming addiction is alone. I don't like multiplayer with strangers. And yet, I'm here and I enjoy it. Or better, I can say for sure that I feel like this forum is my home. 
4- I have mood variations, but they are varying now more for good than for bad mood. I feel that my mood is mostly connected with my workout routine.
5- I'm trying to stop scratching my penis. I've done it for all these years. It usually triggers together with masturbation. And these scratches are so intense that I frequently hurt myself. Years ago I went to the doctor and he said it was a neurodermatitis, and it will only stop when I stop doing it. 
6- anxiety is lower too (at least for this week), and I started going to class again. I spent the whole last semester at home, but that's okay because the last months of my mother's in law was very difficult for us.
7- I'm studing for a job application. The test will be next month. If I pass, a lot of things will change for good. I'm worried, but I'm managing my anxiety and I don't let my expectations be too high nor too low. I'm following the stream, I will deal with the outcome positively, whatever it is.
8- Well this one is obvious, but It is a positive remark that I have to put here: I'm not watching porn or masturbating every time I have an anxiety crisis triggered by every little thing I have to do. 
9- I discovered in the past few months a lot of things about how my emotions, thoughts and behaviours mix together. I feel more mature about it. I spent many years in psycoanalysis thinking about my past, and it helped me develop a sharp sense for my feelings and thoughts, but it never connected with my actual behaviour, the things that I constantly do while i'm feeling this or that way.
10- I don't feel like my thoughts and emotions are a major product of my past, and that I'm convicted by it to live a neorotic life. Sure, the past have it's weight, but I can only think about 3 reasons for us to be slaves of the past. One, if we don't know it, know thyself; two, if we want to live by it; three, if social constraints keep pushing us to it. All those reasons are strong ones, but we can always have a margin of inner strength and liberty to tackle those fronts of struggle, and for anyone some of those things are more difficult than others. Some people will have more difficult or less support to investigate their feelings, but they can have a strong will and a clear goal that surpass all that; some people will be overwhelmed by society, and yet they can make alliances and sanctuaries to reduce that charge.
11 - I'm brazilian and I loved to find a place where I can talk about my sexuality, and to find people with so many diferent lifes, cultures and contries, who fights a similar struggle. It helped me think my problems as not something from my essence, something that is ontologicaly attached to my most crucial definitions of self.

 

[ulaozin]

Today I watched the whole series of videos "Tropes vs women in videogames" from the media critic and feminist Anita Sarkeesian. It has a lot of triggers. Actually, I would consider many scenes as P subs, so be careful. I don't recommend unless you feel you can handle. I felt I was at risk, but watching this is kind of a purge for me. I want to be the most self-aware of those issues as I can. I'm posting about it because I liked her work very much. In the recent years I had this suspicion of the intertwined relationship between porn and games. They are both a hell of addictive. And she goes as deep as you can in this problem. That is something to be aware when raising children.

 

[ulaozin]

I'm a little more anxious than usual. It can be from the triggers of yesterday videos. I'm also noticing that Sundays are quite often the worst days of the week for me. I feel stunned and paralyzed almost every Sunday. It is certainly a bad day for a lot of people who works or studies. I've read that even the suicide rates are in general higher at Sunday. So I spent yesterday all day at youtube and fb. But it was not all wasted, besides of watching videos I cooked and answered my mail. Today I have to work at home, clean it, finish some of the things of my to-do list, workout and meditate - this last one is something I said I would do, but I'm not doing everyday, maybe I have to push myself a little more for it. Monday usually is a critical day. I have to organize myself for the week.

Also, I'm noticing that stopping masturbation is wonderful (7 days now). I feel more focused, like I have this energy that is not wasted. The first day (when I wrote I would put a M counter again) I had a vivid dream with porn. I don't know if it is a wet dream, I checked for emissions, didn?t find any trail. The point is, I think my deep limbic memories tried to jeopardize me, like he was screaming because he new he was about to lose more terrain with my new decision. But, that dream was not so disrupting that it would be in the past. I feel that his screams are less and less powerful. Two or three months ago he would put me in a complete disarray that I could do nothing of my days besides fighting myself to not watching P.

 

[ulaozin]

Today I went to a film club that I'm organizing with a teacher. It's a thing I have to do once in a month, and we have stopped for the last two months. It was nice, interesting and cool, but I always come back from those reunions feeling like I have a hangover from people. I always feel like I can say something wrong, or something that will reveal my addiction, or that I can act strangely with some kind of nervous tic, or some voice tic. It also bothers me that I know these people for quite some time and for some subtle reason I never feel truly comfortable. It used to happen with the "circle" of another teacher, but it was worse. Whenever classes were finished and people went to a bar I was the kind of guy at the last chair in the corner of the table who almost never speaks and when he did nobody was listening. 

So I came home with a strong body discomfort that is quite similar to my craving for porn. I suppose this is an aspect of me that will last for some time after the reboot. I just have to put myself more in situations with people and deal with the discomfort. This semester I'm going to class, so I will have some share of it. But I cannot overdue myself and pave the way for a relapse.

 

[ulaozin]

42 days without P or subs. 10 days without M. Cravings are stronger today. I don't feel like I want to watch P, yet, I'm experiencing anxiety and strong body discomfort. However, my morale is surprisingly good. I'm ready for a new round through the storm.

 

[ulaozin]

Brain fog is back! I don't feel I can read what I have to read today for class, lol. Also I'm feeling that fantasies are trying to sneak out. I think I have to meditate today. I will try it. I was not doing it, I must do it, do it, do it! I will do what it takes to press on without any masturbation. Most importantly, I must keep in mind that porn is not an option, it won't help me, it will make me more anxious, it will jeopardize my prospects of having sex with my wife.

 

 

[ulaozin]

Second reply of the Day. I just came from class. Man, my anxiety is very high. Earlier today I had to do my meditation in order to be capable of getting out all the way to the university. My legs shivered during the whole class, but I even managed to make one commentary, point for me. Tomorrow I will have to go there again, but I think it will be easier. As I said in the previous post, my fantasies are coming out, but I keep them at bay. I just have to be careful and finish the day without any "incident" with porn or masturbation.   

 

[ulaozin]

I thought it was going to be easier today, hehe, I woke up 13pm. Lost my class, but at least I rested. It is so hard to fix my sleep pattern. If I have a very anxious day, the next one will be a hangover. Talking about anxiety, I'm suspecting that I have some kind of moderate to severe anxiety. My mother has a lot of anxiety and I'm pretty sure she is not a porn addict. 

Well, I will just have to find out if this reboot will help me deal with anxiety. Right now it seems to me that porn has been my escape from social anxiety, not it's primary cause.  Although, it is obviously the cause for my performance anxiety and ED. I don't know,  I just know that I don't want to be a porn addict and an anxious person for the rest of my life. I want to feel confidence, I want my feet steady on the ground.

I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm obviously in the middle of a turmoil. It's obviously because tomorrow will be 45 days. So my counter bar will be officially half filled. I lost how many times I wished my bar was at least in the middle. I know that I always had this background anxiety that could leak for some reason or other. But I have to keep in mind that yesterday was a crisis day, not a regular one.

So today I wanted to peek. I woke up with a fixation on an specific actress. I thought about her yesterday in the bus coming home. But I'm here writing and it seems my fixation is at control. I also know that it seems harder because I'm officially in hard mode for 11 days. So I have a 44 days bar for P or subs and an 11 days bar for m. Anyway, I will keep in mind that If It gets impossible to hold, I will masturbate without porn. It's better to lose my hard mode than lose everything. But right now I want to hold it as hard as I can. I know I can make hard mode stretch at least to day 15.

 

[Philgood63]

Hi my friend,

I think you figured out pretty well what happens to you with anxiety, well I think this way because I've felt something similar during my path. It was clear to me that anxiety was here prior to PMO, and this latter was just the escape lane (but a wrong one, that leads to nowhere !). It's clear also that my anxiety level decreases now that I feel better with my PMO issue (still not totally solved but much more in control), so I hope you will soon feel the same (normally it should be, because we're no so different despite the distance !). Keep strong and convinced that the path you're travelling is the good one, and then you'll overcome bad times and turmoil. Take care.

 

[ulaozin]

Hello Phil,

Its good to know that your anxiety has decreased. I'm looking forward to it too! It's great to have a friend out there fighting the same struggle. I wish you the best in your journey, and I've already told that following your progress is quite inspiring to me. I think that the connections we create in this forum are strong and real, even if they are anonymous. When I got here for the first time I was so afraid of being exposed and judged, but it was great, all I found was care and understanding!

I have some interesting entries for today:

I had sex with my wife yesterday, 9/04. This is the first time we have sex since my last entry on it: 05/29.

What can I say. It was strange but good. I'm not accustomed to do it anymore. I proposed, I was so horny and I was thinking that I needed my fix, and it was already time for us to start doing it and reactivate those pathways - ok I know this is not the most romantic thinking. Well, none of us got an o. Even so, my desire was somehow satisfied. I had a little to zero anxiety. My local sensitivity was much better but I think it's only half the way to be good and I had a 70% erection which was ok to penetrate without becoming desperate of not being able to do it. We started without a condom, later I put one. My sensitivity with the condom was better than my own skin before I started this process, but not good enough, 3 o 4 minutes after I put the condom I started losing erection. I didn't try to get it back, in the past I would try but it's always stressing and frustrating. Then, we just laid to feel our bodies together.

Another awesome thing is that it is the first time I can recall that we have sex without any porn memory coming out of my head. Yes! That's true. For me it's fantastic. I don't remember to have sex without any fantasy, I think It never happened. My mind was just silent and present, I felt no dissociation.   

Later in the same night I had another anxiety crisis, a strong one. I took some pills. It was related to money and to a job application that I'm studding for. 

Also, I think this sex attempt is a good moment to make a brief time schedule of my recovery process. Here it is:

03/ X At some point of march I started to workout. My life was a waste.

04/22 ? first log on my internet historic for ybop and rebootnation ( I started reading whatever I could find about porn addiction and started to try abstention) 

05/16 ? registered on the site 

05/31 ? First post on my journal (with 15 days clean)

05/29 ? Journal entry ? Sex with my wife, don't remember my sensitivity

09/04 ? Sex with my wife 70% erection, 50% sensitivity, no porn memories, no mental dissociation.

Total count: 137 days at war

Current situation:
45 days without P or subs
12 days without m.

When I look at it I think I'm doing pretty fast. When I started I didn't have the 90 days in mind, I was thinking about 1 year or more. So I was, ok maybe by June (my birthday) of 2016 I will be better. What they don't always tell you is that It takes more than 90 days to get a full 90 days cycle of abstention.

 

[ulaozin]

I'm very triggered. Actually I peeked for the first time in 45 days. I wrote that actress name in google and watched an explicid picture of her for 2 or 3 seconds.  I felt my brain releasing a fair stream of chemicals in a matter of seconds. Actually I'm sure I felt the rush before I saw the picture. The simple decision and action of searching for her was already beggining the release, in turn, the visual confirmation showed me that I'm very super sensitive to porn after all this time.

The last few hours I tried to distract me from it. Right now I have the oportunity to do it again, but instead I'm going to write it here. I didn't masturbate after seeing it. It was just a instant, a frame, I've came across many unintentional subs during this 45 days, but they don't release all this chemicals, they are never as disturbing as when you search for it by your own will.

Unless I do it again, I'm not going to reset my counter.  I know it's a cheat, but if it helps me going on, a cheater I am. I cheat my brain, my brain cheats me, but we move on. I think I felt for 3 things: the chaser effect, the anxiety of the 45 days mark and a sudden overconfident glimpse. If I reset now, I'm much more likely to relapse today or in the next few days.

I have to hold to one single thought: The promisse of instant gratification isn't worth it. No matter how appealing porn is, I have to hold to the desire to not desire porn anymore. It doesn't matter how appealing and wanting I feel today, If I hold it enough time I will be free, I will not want porn anymore. 

 

[ulaozin]

This is how I am today:

I can't say it was the chaser effect that triggered me to that peek, because I had no o with my wife. I don't know. I will try to read about it some more today. My guess is that I'm frustrated with the sex, so I have this surprisingly strong desire to see if I will get a bigger reward with porn. In the meantime I'm having bad thoughts about my penis sensitivity. I start to think I'm damaged for good and there is no point of doing this. Also, I've read somewhere that it will take some time to get an 100% erection with a partner even after the 90 days. Therefore I just have to wait more and get rid of those thoughts.

Besides, I decided to make an appointment with an urologist. First I have to be sure that the scratches I've constantly done together with my masturbation all those years since I was 13 don't have an effect on my sensitivity.  :-\ Another thing is that I had a phimosis surgery when I was 19. For years I blamed this surgery for my constantly increasing lack of sensitivity. Today I know a big part of it is due to porn. But I have to know if the surgery has any blame. I really really hated that doctor. To the point that an adorable and peaceful guy like me had constant visions with beating, smashing and crushing him.

Before that surgery I had a skin constriction hurting me during sex, but at the same time, I could reach orgasm with my girlfriend (my actual wife) any time I wanted, orgasms together were the most common thing at that time (although I already had mental dissociation during sex because of porn). Moreover he never told me that the surgery could reduce my sensitivity, not only from the glans, but from that very skin that was pulled back during intercourse. I know he could do a smaller medical intervention just to reduce the pressure of the skin around my penis. Also, If I had been informed of the possibility of losing sensitivity I would be much more careful with my local hygiene, reducing all those risks they usually add for recommend the surgery.

I'm just fucking mad! I just feel I was shredded. And back at those days there wasn't youtube, nor tons of blogs and easy information, and I was just to young and impulsive. 

But, it can all be because of porn! LoL. I can just think that I will get back most of my sensitivity when I'm further on the reboot. I just don't know. I'm so tired to think about about this thing. I had to unburden this. I can't beat that doctor. I think he moved to new Zealand years ago. 

 

[ulaozin]

Very, very, trembling. I even forgot one of the burners of the stove burning. I'm very proud of you guys who are fighting this thing alone, I'm very lucky to have my wife. Yesterday I asked her to keep an eye on me. Today I didn't relapse because she called me. I don't relapse now because I hate to think about the look in my eyes looking her eyes after the relapse. I don't want to disappoint her, If I was alone I'm sure I already passed the point where I don't give a damn to disappoint myself. Man, I've got to finish this day!

 

[ulaozin]

I think this will be a long post. I'm sorry for it, but I will try to write down everything that is in my mind.

The obvious part is that I relapsed after 47 days without porn and 14 days without m. I also had a couple of relapses after that, but I want to discuss the very first one.

47 days is a great achievement. I must be proud of it. Before that I managed to make 34 days. Now I must focus and gather my energy to beat that new mark and maybe this time I will reach the 90 days goal.

Now it is very important to acknowledge why I relapsed. I could do what I said I would. I had this rule that if it gets too hard I could m without p. I could reset my m counter and still I would have a nice counter for P and P subs. As long as I'm not watching p I think I'm in the right path, and hard mode can be too hard. I didn't do it. I pushed myself to the point I screwed it all. The point is, I had a option, I could m without p. I deliberately watched p. You always have an option. 

The second and most important point is the "curiosity". Why did I want to push my defences to the point of watching p? Because I had this curiosity voice telling me: Don't you want to find out how porn will be after all those days? Why did I get so curious? Well, there are some reasons:

First, I got frustrated with my last sex experience with my wife, it can be a chaser effect. My brain wants to compare the two kinds of experience, or it wants to reinforce his older pathways. I just know that after the sex it got harder.

The second reason is that I could not sustain a vivid memory of my last relapse. I will try to explain that. In the previous relapse I had this same curiosity, I think this can be a rightful impression. When we get some time clean, deep in our minds we want to find out how it is now, if it will be more pleasing or if we can control it. Our addiction is trying to push us back to the old pattern, but at the same time our brain needs the experience of the relapse to reassure it's new resolution. Paradoxically, failure is a very important learning situation to reassure our commitment. When you fail and you say to yourself, screw it I will not be beaten by this fucking addiction; and you start it all over, you empower yourself. Of course, the best situation is when we avoid our own failure and learn from others experience. For example, I read some stories of people who did the reboot and regressed. After one year or more they come back to start over. Those kind of experiences scares me. This is not something that happened to me yet, but it can happen. So after any major fail I think about that. What if I quit now? I will not find comfort. I don't want to learn the hard way that if I regress all the way back to where I was my life will continue to be a mess or will probably get worse. It can get much worse, for example, I could lose my wife, she could lose her faith in me, and that's the end of the world for me. I'm completely devoted to her, I already have quite a long story with her, my subjectivity is shaped by this story and to a huge extension I'm emotionally dependent of her, she is my bastion, so my stakes are pretty high. Besides my own pain, I hate to think how much hurt this addiction already brought to her. Thus I must keep in mind this experience and others too, to avoid proceed deeper into failure. It can be a projection of someone else's experience or it can be a memory from my own last failure. If I had a vivid memory of that "curiosity" I would have known that it was exactly what happened when I had 34 days. I was also hunted by curiosity and I was frustrated just after I blew it. On the one hand, strong cravings tends to confuse my thought and blur the memory of previous experiences. On the other hand, I avoided many relapses after that because I kept and nurtured with all my strength the memory of the relapse.   

How it is? What is to relapse after 47 days? I want to write it down because I know there will be a time this memory won't be so vivid. I want to come back here and read it whenever I'm too confused.

Well, if I had any fantasy of control, if I thought it could be managed, I can throw it all away right now. This thing is
uncontrollable, it's non-negotiable. Unless I reinforce my commitment of getting rid of it for good, I will find myself trapped into some trigging thought. There are many situations that can trigger myself. But in the long run it's my thoughts that poses the real risk. I can't doubt myself, I must be honest with me, I can't be too harsh nor indulgent with me.

This is how it happened. I had a fixation in a specific clip from an specific actress for 4 or 5 days. At the same time, this clip was not a major damaging fetish for me. It was not one of the things that I'm trying even harder to avoid and get out of my mind (like scat and vomit, I have yet to find the mood and the time to talk about my escalation), it seemed less harmful and yet, it was insistently and repeatedly coming back to my mind. Why this actress? Like many of you, I had many favourite actresses before that I kept exchanging. What is more important is the clip. Why this clip? Because last time I checked it in the most common free porn portals It was taken down. Yes, that's how tricky this fucking addiction can be. If I wanted to look at it I would have to do a more intense and refined search, or I would have to break a rule that I have for a long time ever since I moved together with my wife, even before I found out porn was an addiction, because of the fear of being caught my rule was to not store it in my PC not download it by way of peer-to-peer. Thus I had a confused negotiation with me that I wouldn't download anything but I would look for the clip again, to see if it was up again, or to choose another great clip from the same actress. I had peeked for her before the relapse. It was pretty exciting like doing something very very risky, adrenaline, heart beat, all up. At some moment I came to a resolution that I would see anything from that actress or chose another clip from her. So I passed from the taken down clip to another I knew it was probably available, all of it in my mind.

By the time I decided to truly watch it I was completely sensitive to porn. I couldn't watch a single clip from that actress because I opened more than 20 tabs in my browser. As soon as I got to a portal, the plethora of clips overwhelmed me, I opened clips from her, but I could not watch anything for more than 2 or 3 minutes. I edged for 30 minutes, and I said fuck it, and started opening tabs from my others fetishes, and then I blew it, and them I was feeling terrible, with mental confusion, angry, accelerated. That's what happened. That's what obviously happens any-time I relapse, that's what I have to remember. Porn is not negotiable, someone with deep and established pathways like me must extirpate it in order to get a life again. it's not controllable. The next day I woke up 7 am to relapse again and I'm someone who finds it hard to wake up 10 am and can easily wake 13 pm. 

Now I'm starting over. After the first one I had a confused week with 3 or 4 porn relapses. Now I have almost 6 days without porn but I'm relapsing with the masturbation. I will try again the same formula. I will decrease masturbation and keep completely away from porn. I'm also weaker now because I have a test for a job application at 09/27. Thus I'm suffering from the anticipation of it.

I still have some friends updates that want to comment here in the forum. I will try to leave an entry for them tomorrow. I'm exhausted to write all this stuff.

That's all folks. It's good to be back again.