Ulaozin Journal: First reboot
- Thread starter ulaozin
- Start date
Thx master, I will check the video. 
"For my ally in the Force. And a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. It?s energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you. Here, between you?me?the tree?the rock?everywhere! Yes, even between this land and that ship!?
PS: I really hope Disney knows what they are doing with star wars. Of course, It can't be worse of what George himself did with it. If only Joseph Campbell was alive... we would have whole different episodes I to III.
"For my ally in the Force. And a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. It?s energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you. Here, between you?me?the tree?the rock?everywhere! Yes, even between this land and that ship!?
PS: I really hope Disney knows what they are doing with star wars. Of course, It can't be worse of what George himself did with it. If only Joseph Campbell was alive... we would have whole different episodes I to III.
Damn! I just relapsed again. I had 8 days. I'm so disgusted. I'm not feeling well. I have this test next Sunday. There are more than 150 candidates. Also I'm with flu. I woke up three days ago with my nose starting to be bad, instead of being at home and rest, what did I do? I runned at the gym for 50 minutes! Also, yesterday I was already sick and instead of rest again what did I do? I downloaded an app for a diet and starved to death! Oh fuck, I know I'm suffering from the anticipation of the test, but man, I can't boycott myself that much! It's so damn stupid, stupid. That's my entry for today! Stupid! Stupid!
Ps: I'm not doing the diet anymore. I just can't starve and do this reboot altogether. I will only try to avoid the obvious caloric junk food, in my case I'm craving everyday for sweets.
Ps: I'm not doing the diet anymore. I just can't starve and do this reboot altogether. I will only try to avoid the obvious caloric junk food, in my case I'm craving everyday for sweets.
Ok, this is truly a terrible week. The worst thing is that one part of me doesn't want to deny porn to myself, the other one is writing this stuff down.
Man, my wife is so bad. She is worse with her mourning. That's the second night she doesn't sleep at all. Which means I barely sleep too. That's because for a week or more every night she is dreaming with her mother. She blame herself because she didn't saw her mother at her last night. She paralised and didn't go to the hospital. I don't know what to do. I try to help her, but in fact she needs a therapy and we don't have the money right now. To get worse, someone is breaking and reforming the last apartment of the last floor in my building. It's a major reform, they are taking down concrete walls. the noise starts at 9:30 am. We don't sleep at night, We don't sleep by the morning or we sleep with lots of noise, that's so stressful.
I'm also with brainfog, but I will try to study some last things for my test. I received a nice encouragement by a PM from thiagomoreirasp. That's what made me come here and write it down.
I'm trying to start this day without a relapse. Monday I had a big relapse. I edged for more than 1 hour and also had pmo. Tuesday I walked at the streets feeling like a criminal. I hate to look at women around the street after a relapse. It's so bad. I also have to take extra care to not be harsh with my wife, because my temper becomes more unstable. I didn't tell her this relapse, I don't tell her all of them. Sometimes I just tell how many days I'm clean. I just cross my fingers that she doesn't ask me, if she asks I will tell the truth. She probably don't do it because she knows me pretty damn well. I'm quite sure she knows I relapsed recently.
Anyway, I was so disgusted by it, the problem is to remember this feeling before a new one.
Man, my wife is so bad. She is worse with her mourning. That's the second night she doesn't sleep at all. Which means I barely sleep too. That's because for a week or more every night she is dreaming with her mother. She blame herself because she didn't saw her mother at her last night. She paralised and didn't go to the hospital. I don't know what to do. I try to help her, but in fact she needs a therapy and we don't have the money right now. To get worse, someone is breaking and reforming the last apartment of the last floor in my building. It's a major reform, they are taking down concrete walls. the noise starts at 9:30 am. We don't sleep at night, We don't sleep by the morning or we sleep with lots of noise, that's so stressful.
I'm also with brainfog, but I will try to study some last things for my test. I received a nice encouragement by a PM from thiagomoreirasp. That's what made me come here and write it down.
I'm trying to start this day without a relapse. Monday I had a big relapse. I edged for more than 1 hour and also had pmo. Tuesday I walked at the streets feeling like a criminal. I hate to look at women around the street after a relapse. It's so bad. I also have to take extra care to not be harsh with my wife, because my temper becomes more unstable. I didn't tell her this relapse, I don't tell her all of them. Sometimes I just tell how many days I'm clean. I just cross my fingers that she doesn't ask me, if she asks I will tell the truth. She probably don't do it because she knows me pretty damn well. I'm quite sure she knows I relapsed recently.
Anyway, I was so disgusted by it, the problem is to remember this feeling before a new one.
Philgood63
Active Member
Hi man,
When reading your posts it makes me realize that I don't have so serious issues in my life compared to you and that I just make my life a mess by myself ! I live in a quite "user-friendly" country (france), I have achieved my exams a long time ago, I have problems "in my head" (as people say) but I'm currently pursuing therapy (and hope things will get better soon)... and by the way my neighbours are quiet ! (they are majorely... cows !) So, I can say that my only real problem is that I'm living alone and destroying myself with internet porn. Nevertheless you still can help me writing words in my journal (and believe me that's real help) so thanks a lot ulaozin ! We're both back to the starting point, so let's do it together again... I once reached 90 days but dit not really replaced my addiction with something positive, that's probably why I relapsed. I think we need to get "back to the basics", the roots... Figuring out again why we started all this stuff... Well I'm gonna read out again what I wrote in the last months, it will probably help me get back on my feets. I hope you also will find your way out, don't give up my friend, you deserve to win this fight ! Take care.
When reading your posts it makes me realize that I don't have so serious issues in my life compared to you and that I just make my life a mess by myself ! I live in a quite "user-friendly" country (france), I have achieved my exams a long time ago, I have problems "in my head" (as people say) but I'm currently pursuing therapy (and hope things will get better soon)... and by the way my neighbours are quiet ! (they are majorely... cows !) So, I can say that my only real problem is that I'm living alone and destroying myself with internet porn. Nevertheless you still can help me writing words in my journal (and believe me that's real help) so thanks a lot ulaozin ! We're both back to the starting point, so let's do it together again... I once reached 90 days but dit not really replaced my addiction with something positive, that's probably why I relapsed. I think we need to get "back to the basics", the roots... Figuring out again why we started all this stuff... Well I'm gonna read out again what I wrote in the last months, it will probably help me get back on my feets. I hope you also will find your way out, don't give up my friend, you deserve to win this fight ! Take care.
Hello Phil,
Thanks for posting. It's good for me to hear from you that my situation is bad. I feel like I'm noticed. My mother sometimes tells me that she doesn't know why I'm so tired, she wasn't tired when she was 30 years old. Well, of course I don't disclosure all my problems to her, it would worry her to much, to be exact, only my wife, my therapist and the people who reads my thread knows something more of how I'm feeling. But I'm okay with that, I couldn't share those stuffs in other places. So the feedback I receive from you is very good for me, and for my self-awareness. That said, I hope that my story doesn't bother you too much. I'm taking care of me. I think I had more progress in my emotional life in the past few months than I had in 3 or 4 years.
Of course some of those problems are contingent. It was just bad luck that someone started to break down an apartment the same week I had my test. Speaking of it, I was good but not great, so I'm not confident that I will get the job. The results will be available only by the end of November. It was an application for a public job to work in a ecological museum in a tropical island in another city. I'd have to move there, I think It would be fucking amazing! Let's see the results. I'm still looking for a teaching job here in my city. I think the applications for the next year are about to start.
So Phil, even if my situation is worse than the average, don't understate your own pain. You can live in a charming cottage near cute cows (don't tell me it is in Brittany or Normandy, my wife is crazy to go there to look for ghosts and stone monoliths!) but pain is quite subjective, you can still have many good reasons to feel bad for yourself. There will always be millions of people more screwed up than you and me. We can even try to do something to help them, but that don't reduce any charge of our own pain. Porn itself is already a big problem. I hope you will find your way to connect with someone and start something positive to fill that gap from it. And for the record, many of my problems were created by me, by my own head and my choices. I chose to specialize in a competitive area with few jobs (philosophy), still what is disrupting me from working is not only the lack of jobs, it's my social anxiety, porn and maybe an OCD. I come from a middle class family with financial stability, even my money problems started in my head, by my mind disarray and bad choices.
One last note for my journal:
I'm feeling a lot better. The anxiety from the test is over. I can focus now in other tasks. I still have to write one chapter of my thesis until the end of the year. I took away my M counter. I won't bother me with masturbation until I complete 3 months away from porn. So my target is to complete 90 days until Christmas. I'm 4 days clear now.
Thanks for posting. It's good for me to hear from you that my situation is bad. I feel like I'm noticed. My mother sometimes tells me that she doesn't know why I'm so tired, she wasn't tired when she was 30 years old. Well, of course I don't disclosure all my problems to her, it would worry her to much, to be exact, only my wife, my therapist and the people who reads my thread knows something more of how I'm feeling. But I'm okay with that, I couldn't share those stuffs in other places. So the feedback I receive from you is very good for me, and for my self-awareness. That said, I hope that my story doesn't bother you too much. I'm taking care of me. I think I had more progress in my emotional life in the past few months than I had in 3 or 4 years.
Of course some of those problems are contingent. It was just bad luck that someone started to break down an apartment the same week I had my test. Speaking of it, I was good but not great, so I'm not confident that I will get the job. The results will be available only by the end of November. It was an application for a public job to work in a ecological museum in a tropical island in another city. I'd have to move there, I think It would be fucking amazing! Let's see the results. I'm still looking for a teaching job here in my city. I think the applications for the next year are about to start.
So Phil, even if my situation is worse than the average, don't understate your own pain. You can live in a charming cottage near cute cows (don't tell me it is in Brittany or Normandy, my wife is crazy to go there to look for ghosts and stone monoliths!) but pain is quite subjective, you can still have many good reasons to feel bad for yourself. There will always be millions of people more screwed up than you and me. We can even try to do something to help them, but that don't reduce any charge of our own pain. Porn itself is already a big problem. I hope you will find your way to connect with someone and start something positive to fill that gap from it. And for the record, many of my problems were created by me, by my own head and my choices. I chose to specialize in a competitive area with few jobs (philosophy), still what is disrupting me from working is not only the lack of jobs, it's my social anxiety, porn and maybe an OCD. I come from a middle class family with financial stability, even my money problems started in my head, by my mind disarray and bad choices.
One last note for my journal:
I'm feeling a lot better. The anxiety from the test is over. I can focus now in other tasks. I still have to write one chapter of my thesis until the end of the year. I took away my M counter. I won't bother me with masturbation until I complete 3 months away from porn. So my target is to complete 90 days until Christmas. I'm 4 days clear now.
Philgood63
Active Member
Hi ulaozin,
Your story doesn't bother me at all, don't worry, on the contrary it gives me another point of view from someone who lives far away from me when talking of distance and culture, but not so far away on so many issues. It helps me thinking about my own life and issues, much better than talking to people around me. I felt like this when travelling to Asia or USA or Russia : at first sight you may feel that things are different, sometimes strange or weird, and then it helps you to really SEE what is common with what you know, things that do not change wherever you are in the world. You probably see what I mean. When you lose your usual points of reference, it helps you finding what is really important. That's what I mostly feel when hanging on this forum and that's of great help for curing my addiction.
Talking about addiction, I think we both have turned an important corner by starting again from scratch, don't you think ? Seems that we start on stronger basis, thanks to our previous errors, which we have understood and taken into account. Well, that's my feeling right now, I hope it will last ! Wait and see...
One video that helped me a lot these days to re-focus is the documentary "hot girls wanted", but it's now difficult to freely find it on the web. Nevertheless, even just the trailer makes me feel bad about this industry and gives me strength to keep on fighting !
By the way, I don't live exactely in Brittany nor Normandy (that's not so far away), but I have also enough "old stones" in my region, some of them older than JC ! Ghosts ? I don't know, probably there are also here... but guess what ? I fear them far less than an internet connection with no-one around to see which shit I'm browsing ! So, c'mon ghosts, I wait for you guys...
Good luck for next days, take care.
Your story doesn't bother me at all, don't worry, on the contrary it gives me another point of view from someone who lives far away from me when talking of distance and culture, but not so far away on so many issues. It helps me thinking about my own life and issues, much better than talking to people around me. I felt like this when travelling to Asia or USA or Russia : at first sight you may feel that things are different, sometimes strange or weird, and then it helps you to really SEE what is common with what you know, things that do not change wherever you are in the world. You probably see what I mean. When you lose your usual points of reference, it helps you finding what is really important. That's what I mostly feel when hanging on this forum and that's of great help for curing my addiction.
Talking about addiction, I think we both have turned an important corner by starting again from scratch, don't you think ? Seems that we start on stronger basis, thanks to our previous errors, which we have understood and taken into account. Well, that's my feeling right now, I hope it will last ! Wait and see...
One video that helped me a lot these days to re-focus is the documentary "hot girls wanted", but it's now difficult to freely find it on the web. Nevertheless, even just the trailer makes me feel bad about this industry and gives me strength to keep on fighting !
By the way, I don't live exactely in Brittany nor Normandy (that's not so far away), but I have also enough "old stones" in my region, some of them older than JC ! Ghosts ? I don't know, probably there are also here... but guess what ? I fear them far less than an internet connection with no-one around to see which shit I'm browsing ! So, c'mon ghosts, I wait for you guys...
Good luck for next days, take care.
Hello man,
That's quite a story Phil. Sometime I want to travel around too. I just have to overcome my fear of airplanes. I have a little obsession with death, lol.
I feel like I turned a corner too! It's also one of the reasons I took so long to come back. Last week I started a new routine. I agreed with my therapist that I would start to change my routine after the test. I woke up all last week 8:00 am! I was like a zombie all day, specially because I also agreed to do my most avoided activities by morning, which is to clean my home and cook. I also came up with a new rule for me: I don't use my computer before 12 am and after 19 pm (by the way I'm breaking this rule now). It's great specially that because of these changes I'm starting to write my thesis again. I have to deliver one chapter until the end of the year. My thesis is about a French philosopher. I would love to talk to you in French, but my French sucks! I'm still learning it from scratch, most of the time I have to compare the French versions of his books with English and Portuguese versions.
Yeah, I also fear much more an internet connection than some old rocks. But they are so cool. Have you seen the documentary "Cave of forgotten dreams" from Werner Herzog? It's about the oldest human paintings found in an cave in Ard?ch department in France. I was so mad that I missed it in the 3D theatres. Just as I'm mad because I missed Goddard first 3D movie! I watched it, but not in 3D. Since we are talking about France, Man, I loved Asterix when I was a kid!! I was so hungry reading it in bed before sleeping, every time they had their banquet in the last page. I never ate a boar. Sometimes I pitty them, but they looked so delicious in the end. I'm hungry now, just to remember it.
I will try to see "hot girls wanted". I think it is available in Netflix. I was afraid to see it and feel too bad. But now I think I'm more healthy, I can handle it. Thanks for the tip.
Take care you too!
That's quite a story Phil. Sometime I want to travel around too. I just have to overcome my fear of airplanes. I have a little obsession with death, lol.
I feel like I turned a corner too! It's also one of the reasons I took so long to come back. Last week I started a new routine. I agreed with my therapist that I would start to change my routine after the test. I woke up all last week 8:00 am! I was like a zombie all day, specially because I also agreed to do my most avoided activities by morning, which is to clean my home and cook. I also came up with a new rule for me: I don't use my computer before 12 am and after 19 pm (by the way I'm breaking this rule now). It's great specially that because of these changes I'm starting to write my thesis again. I have to deliver one chapter until the end of the year. My thesis is about a French philosopher. I would love to talk to you in French, but my French sucks! I'm still learning it from scratch, most of the time I have to compare the French versions of his books with English and Portuguese versions.
Yeah, I also fear much more an internet connection than some old rocks. But they are so cool. Have you seen the documentary "Cave of forgotten dreams" from Werner Herzog? It's about the oldest human paintings found in an cave in Ard?ch department in France. I was so mad that I missed it in the 3D theatres. Just as I'm mad because I missed Goddard first 3D movie! I watched it, but not in 3D. Since we are talking about France, Man, I loved Asterix when I was a kid!! I was so hungry reading it in bed before sleeping, every time they had their banquet in the last page. I never ate a boar. Sometimes I pitty them, but they looked so delicious in the end. I'm hungry now, just to remember it.
I will try to see "hot girls wanted". I think it is available in Netflix. I was afraid to see it and feel too bad. But now I think I'm more healthy, I can handle it. Thanks for the tip.
Take care you too!
Philgood63
Active Member
Hi ulaozin,
Thanks a lot for your nice words in my journal, as usual with you it makes sense to me and make me feel better !
Changing habits seems to be a good strategy, I kind of changed some of my old patterns in life and most of the time I felt it was good to me (even if sometimes I failed at keeping new habits, but that's probably normal, and it's just a few of them) and that it was sort of pushing me towards my new life.
Asterix, Godard, a few words of french and "la grotte Chauvet" cave, well you already know a lot about France ! I didn't know this documentary, and I started to look at it. First thing that really hit me is that it was discovered in 1994, in my memories it was much older. I remember TV and newspapers talking about it, but I didn't remember I was already 18... Another proof that time is passing by so quickly !
Second thing that is to notice in this movie is that all these people look so passionate about archeology that it's a real pleasure to see them. They live for something, they are craving for more knowledge, they want to discover new things as if they were kids. I think that's something all of us here have lost and that's good to remember that some men and women still can feel these high levels of excitment for something very serious and not for... well you see what I mean.
I hope you're still on the road to recovery my friend, and even if it's difficult, do not lose faith !
Thanks a lot for your nice words in my journal, as usual with you it makes sense to me and make me feel better !
Changing habits seems to be a good strategy, I kind of changed some of my old patterns in life and most of the time I felt it was good to me (even if sometimes I failed at keeping new habits, but that's probably normal, and it's just a few of them) and that it was sort of pushing me towards my new life.
Asterix, Godard, a few words of french and "la grotte Chauvet" cave, well you already know a lot about France ! I didn't know this documentary, and I started to look at it. First thing that really hit me is that it was discovered in 1994, in my memories it was much older. I remember TV and newspapers talking about it, but I didn't remember I was already 18... Another proof that time is passing by so quickly !
Second thing that is to notice in this movie is that all these people look so passionate about archeology that it's a real pleasure to see them. They live for something, they are craving for more knowledge, they want to discover new things as if they were kids. I think that's something all of us here have lost and that's good to remember that some men and women still can feel these high levels of excitment for something very serious and not for... well you see what I mean.
I hope you're still on the road to recovery my friend, and even if it's difficult, do not lose faith !
Okay,
I'm trying again. Day zero. Another restart.
I'm trying again and again to restart and somehow everytime I'm failling and getting worse. I have to sit down and think about what is going on. Why am I doing it?
Today I would be 3 days clean without any M or P, but I have just screwed it. I can think about a couple of reasons to be regressing.
The first one is in my routine: Since I started getting up earlier and committing with cooking, cleaning, studying, writing, working out, etc. I became a lot more tired. Exhaustion is a trigger. So I started to m a lot more, even without P. It didn't took a long time for me to start doing it while watching p. Now I'm failing with porn and my new routine altogether. Although I'm not waking up as late as I would, I'm waking and sleeping a little latter every day. I'm also breaking my rule with computers: I shouldn?t be using it before 12 pm and after 19 pm.
I'd like to say to me: It's time to stop being so pussy and stick up with my plans. But I don't think it's so simple. First, I knew I would be more triggered as soon as I started writing again. It happened all last week, I became obsessed with my thesis and It screwed my routine. Some part of me wants to finish it as fast as I can, another part wants to do it the best I can, the two of them makes me go around in circles and rewriting and looking for more references, more authors, more commentators, and becoming exhausted. Also, this work is far from finished, and I still have one more year to do it. Even if I find a way to do it more lightly, which I'm trying, I still have a long way stuck with it. So whenever I start doing it I crave for instant gratifications. Not only porn, I also ate a lot of sweets last week.
Also, I'm very worried because I was not really good in that test. So I have to start looking for a job now in October. I want to teach next year in a school or university. I can't settle down. I have to push my social anxiety and look for something, try to arrange interviews etc.
When I look back, all the time I struggled against porn I could do nothing else besides fighting it and working out. Little by little I conquered my capacity to tackle with my routine and responsibilities. Now it is the time to fight porn together with my responsibilities.
But It all leads to the last reason why I'm falling. I discovered it in the last few days. I think I'm very afraid of going through those abstinence symptoms all over again. Maybe this is the core thought which is sabotaging my restart. I have to find another thought to counter balance it. What I have to find out is a new motivation for going through it all. What is my motivation now? It's not simply getting my routine into track, because it is more or less on track now. It can't be a negative motivation. It is not enough to threaten myself saying that all that discipline I conquered so far can go to waste if I continue to watch porn. It's true, but it's not enough, I don't feel compelled by this thought, on the contrary, it's wearing me.
Sex with my wife is not a good motivation either. I just don't want to have sex with all those things going on. I know that sex can be good, even if it wasn't in the past few years I have good memories of it. But today it only appears to me as another obligation, another task, something that I'm supposed to do, something that should define my masculinity, my expectations as a husband. It's the same with other things that are supposed to give me joy. They all appeal to me as an obligation, an obligation of being happy. I still want to be happy, but I'm okay with the fact that happiness is not going to come aboard anytime soon. What I'm saying is that I don't want any other obligation besides those I have today. Between happiness and peace of mind, I choose peace of mind. Peace of mind and patience will someday lead me to happiness, but now I don't have any strong reasons to be happy, so I won't pursue it, or dream with it, or crave for it. I'm just living a day after another.
So what is my motivation? What can help me finish one week? I will keep expectations low. I just need to complete one week. Can it be the desire of being free? Is it enough? It should be enough. Happiness? I'm discarding happiness like an angry child, but it's something to hope for. Maybe proudness is a motivation. I will be proud of myself if I do it. I will know I'm in the right path. I know I will be in pain, it won't be easy. I have to name what I'm afraid of: I fear for the tremblings and sudden discomfort, I'm afraid of brainfog, mood changes, my lack of libido, and much more afraid of the infinite cravings. I will experience those things, they will pass.
I'm changing my counter policy again. I'm just not really ready for a 3 months expectation. It's not working for me anymore. What is not working must be changed. I won't remove my counter but I will add another for pmo with a 15 days goal. I need both of them. Since I'm only counting P and subs, everytime I peek p and reset it I frustrate myself and jerk off all my way to O. I need something to remind me that peeking is bad, but jerking off is worse.
PS - Hi Phil, Thanks for posting. It helps a lot knowing that you care for me out there. It seems I can't keep up with you just yet. But I'm cheering for both of us.
It was also very good to talk about something besides our addiction. I liked that movie a lot. It must have been magical in theater. A movie theater is a kind of cave, watching those shadows in 3D is like watching the first movie we can record done in a cave a long time ago. Besides the cave is sealed as bunker, so I feel like it's a real privilege to watch this movie. I love French culture. I just got motivated to study French again! I'm working very slowly with translation of some articles from the author I study. I hope in one year or two I will be more fluent with it.
I'm trying again. Day zero. Another restart.
I'm trying again and again to restart and somehow everytime I'm failling and getting worse. I have to sit down and think about what is going on. Why am I doing it?
Today I would be 3 days clean without any M or P, but I have just screwed it. I can think about a couple of reasons to be regressing.
The first one is in my routine: Since I started getting up earlier and committing with cooking, cleaning, studying, writing, working out, etc. I became a lot more tired. Exhaustion is a trigger. So I started to m a lot more, even without P. It didn't took a long time for me to start doing it while watching p. Now I'm failing with porn and my new routine altogether. Although I'm not waking up as late as I would, I'm waking and sleeping a little latter every day. I'm also breaking my rule with computers: I shouldn?t be using it before 12 pm and after 19 pm.
I'd like to say to me: It's time to stop being so pussy and stick up with my plans. But I don't think it's so simple. First, I knew I would be more triggered as soon as I started writing again. It happened all last week, I became obsessed with my thesis and It screwed my routine. Some part of me wants to finish it as fast as I can, another part wants to do it the best I can, the two of them makes me go around in circles and rewriting and looking for more references, more authors, more commentators, and becoming exhausted. Also, this work is far from finished, and I still have one more year to do it. Even if I find a way to do it more lightly, which I'm trying, I still have a long way stuck with it. So whenever I start doing it I crave for instant gratifications. Not only porn, I also ate a lot of sweets last week.
Also, I'm very worried because I was not really good in that test. So I have to start looking for a job now in October. I want to teach next year in a school or university. I can't settle down. I have to push my social anxiety and look for something, try to arrange interviews etc.
When I look back, all the time I struggled against porn I could do nothing else besides fighting it and working out. Little by little I conquered my capacity to tackle with my routine and responsibilities. Now it is the time to fight porn together with my responsibilities.
But It all leads to the last reason why I'm falling. I discovered it in the last few days. I think I'm very afraid of going through those abstinence symptoms all over again. Maybe this is the core thought which is sabotaging my restart. I have to find another thought to counter balance it. What I have to find out is a new motivation for going through it all. What is my motivation now? It's not simply getting my routine into track, because it is more or less on track now. It can't be a negative motivation. It is not enough to threaten myself saying that all that discipline I conquered so far can go to waste if I continue to watch porn. It's true, but it's not enough, I don't feel compelled by this thought, on the contrary, it's wearing me.
Sex with my wife is not a good motivation either. I just don't want to have sex with all those things going on. I know that sex can be good, even if it wasn't in the past few years I have good memories of it. But today it only appears to me as another obligation, another task, something that I'm supposed to do, something that should define my masculinity, my expectations as a husband. It's the same with other things that are supposed to give me joy. They all appeal to me as an obligation, an obligation of being happy. I still want to be happy, but I'm okay with the fact that happiness is not going to come aboard anytime soon. What I'm saying is that I don't want any other obligation besides those I have today. Between happiness and peace of mind, I choose peace of mind. Peace of mind and patience will someday lead me to happiness, but now I don't have any strong reasons to be happy, so I won't pursue it, or dream with it, or crave for it. I'm just living a day after another.
So what is my motivation? What can help me finish one week? I will keep expectations low. I just need to complete one week. Can it be the desire of being free? Is it enough? It should be enough. Happiness? I'm discarding happiness like an angry child, but it's something to hope for. Maybe proudness is a motivation. I will be proud of myself if I do it. I will know I'm in the right path. I know I will be in pain, it won't be easy. I have to name what I'm afraid of: I fear for the tremblings and sudden discomfort, I'm afraid of brainfog, mood changes, my lack of libido, and much more afraid of the infinite cravings. I will experience those things, they will pass.
I'm changing my counter policy again. I'm just not really ready for a 3 months expectation. It's not working for me anymore. What is not working must be changed. I won't remove my counter but I will add another for pmo with a 15 days goal. I need both of them. Since I'm only counting P and subs, everytime I peek p and reset it I frustrate myself and jerk off all my way to O. I need something to remind me that peeking is bad, but jerking off is worse.
PS - Hi Phil, Thanks for posting. It helps a lot knowing that you care for me out there. It seems I can't keep up with you just yet. But I'm cheering for both of us.
It was also very good to talk about something besides our addiction. I liked that movie a lot. It must have been magical in theater. A movie theater is a kind of cave, watching those shadows in 3D is like watching the first movie we can record done in a cave a long time ago. Besides the cave is sealed as bunker, so I feel like it's a real privilege to watch this movie. I love French culture. I just got motivated to study French again! I'm working very slowly with translation of some articles from the author I study. I hope in one year or two I will be more fluent with it.
Philgood63
Active Member
Hi ulaozin,
Yeah, you're not alone out there ! I see that you had to go through very tough times these days... I can feel your tiredness of the situation through your lines. I think you had the right reflex : to sit down and think about all this stuff, and writing it.
Sure, many changes at the same time can be very exhausting, I've experienced it a few months ago. I also wanted to change all my routines while doing the reboot and improving myself in many fields, and it turned out to be too much for me, I almost got mad ! That's why I think it's probably not a bad idea to take some time to make these changes in our lives. If you need time to do the reboot, don't worry, what's important is to reach the end of the road, right ? Whatever is the time you need for this. You still have some issues with your thesis and your job, probably also with your wife, so what's the problem if you need time to do this reboot ? Even if your make small progress, it's never lost, I'm sure of this ! Then one day you will be ready to make more progress and finish with this addiction.
If you feel motivation to learn some french, that means your mood is not so low ! Because that's not simple language for sure, and many people fear trying to cope with it. Portuguese is not so far, I think, so that may help you. And your english shows you're probably pretty easy with languages.
But once again don't put too much pressure on you, my friend, let time help you, in a way. I'm doing the same, these days, I mean that I don't try to make progress in too many things at the same time. I read a little bit, I try to stick with the reboot, and that's not so bad. I think I'll try to be away from the forum sometimes, to get away from this addiction issue, so don't worry if you do not see me hanging out there, but for sure I'll still care for you and come to see how you feel. Take it easy, let the time roll, and be confident. Take care, my friend !
Yeah, you're not alone out there ! I see that you had to go through very tough times these days... I can feel your tiredness of the situation through your lines. I think you had the right reflex : to sit down and think about all this stuff, and writing it.
Sure, many changes at the same time can be very exhausting, I've experienced it a few months ago. I also wanted to change all my routines while doing the reboot and improving myself in many fields, and it turned out to be too much for me, I almost got mad ! That's why I think it's probably not a bad idea to take some time to make these changes in our lives. If you need time to do the reboot, don't worry, what's important is to reach the end of the road, right ? Whatever is the time you need for this. You still have some issues with your thesis and your job, probably also with your wife, so what's the problem if you need time to do this reboot ? Even if your make small progress, it's never lost, I'm sure of this ! Then one day you will be ready to make more progress and finish with this addiction.
If you feel motivation to learn some french, that means your mood is not so low ! Because that's not simple language for sure, and many people fear trying to cope with it. Portuguese is not so far, I think, so that may help you. And your english shows you're probably pretty easy with languages.
But once again don't put too much pressure on you, my friend, let time help you, in a way. I'm doing the same, these days, I mean that I don't try to make progress in too many things at the same time. I read a little bit, I try to stick with the reboot, and that's not so bad. I think I'll try to be away from the forum sometimes, to get away from this addiction issue, so don't worry if you do not see me hanging out there, but for sure I'll still care for you and come to see how you feel. Take it easy, let the time roll, and be confident. Take care, my friend !
Hi Phil,
I cannot thank you enough for writing down your remarks on my journal. I'm reflecting on what you said for some days. It's good to know from your experience that I can be overwhelming myself with to much change at the same time. But also, I have some concerns about how am supposed to read the idea of taking some time with the changes.
Here is what I'm thinking, this will be another long post, sorry for anyone who is reading it. I'm afraid I can be prolix.
At one hand, I can use this thought of taking it slow as an excuse for my relapses. At another, having a long time perspective is very important to avoid frustration. From the very start, months ago, I new my case would take quite some time, possibly a year and over, and I was willing to accept taking it slow. That's because I'm trying to implement changes in my life for 4 years now, much before I new porn was at the core of my inability to change.
I think I have developed a lot of patience over the years. I have energy and a solid mental constitution to tolerate bad and frustrating situations that are in part out of my control: my addiction could be one of them; my wife's depression and her mother's cancer; my brother's schizoaffective (I said before he was bipolar but the accurate diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder); my mom's bipolar disorder that manifested during my childhood; my social anxiety and difficult of making friends; my attachment and tolerance to people who trespass my boundaries because I'm afraid of being alone, this last item is something I think I overcame in the last few years, but it was a major problem during college.
The bad side is that I also have a lot of difficult to accept and deal with changes. All the defence mechanisms I invented for dealing with this stuff are also interfering in other fields. You create defences to deal with a situation, if the environment change and you can't have malleability to adjust your defences to your new situation, you have a problem. I can be patient, but I also can be immerse in my own little world of problems not taking any real step to change it. That's what happened during some years in psychoanalysis. I replaced my relations and all the real confrontations in my life with mirrors and spectra in the annalist office. When I realised my lack of progress I became very angry with psychoanalysis. It's not that I think talking and getting feedback is a waste of time, not at all, I wouldn't be here in the first place. Talking, expressing and making sense of one's past, or making sense of one's inner world is a very important step for recovery. The problem is that psychoanalysis is stuck with it. They never help you with concrete actions and proper planning for the outer world, they only expect that you will create something indeterminate out of your analytical production. So in the end, they only uses talk and catharsis as a healing device, and frankly it's not near enough! It takes a lot of years, they never give you their medical release and you get stuck and comfortable with your mental projections of your problems.
I think the year I released myself from my analyst (4 years ago) was paradoxically my very first year of change. I don't want to be unfair, my analyst helped me a lot in some specific situations, but dropping it was like being reborn. I said to myself that I was tired of sitting in a couch and talk about my problems, I would deal with them directly, for good or bad, by my hand and without a guide.
So here I am, maybe I'm overdoing it now. So I have to think about it. Am I rushing it? It depends. It looks like every demand I have is urgent. I have to write. I can't neglect it anymore. I neglected during the past months of my recovery, but now It's something I can't delay anymore otherwise I can get in a real academic nightmare. The idea of getting slow with my porn recovery is always tempting, but my wife is getting better of her depression and her libido is coming back altogether. So I can't delude myself and avoid the fact that if I continue to have frequent relapses my intimacy with her will get worse. I also have to get a job in order to have a positive bank account. Not having money to anything but the essential stuff is stressing me a lot. I want to go out and see a movie, or eat out, or buy stuff, or being able to make travelling plans, I also would be much more relaxed with a little financial reserve for troubles. Even my wife's clothes are getting old, and that can be terrible for a woman, I know that's one of the triggers for her's difficult of getting out of home.
One thing I know for sure. If I continue to use porn as an anxiety fix, I will get numb, I will have concentration problems, and I will reinforce my social insecurity to the point I won't be able to deal with job interviews, and at last, but not least, I will still be incapable of sex with my wife. So even if it looks like to much, I know that fighting my porn addiction is the basis, the very ground for dealing with all other stuff. And the thing is, I don't even enjoy it anymore. I truly hate it and hate myself everytime I do it.
I suppose I have to take it slower at any field. Maybe I can be ok without a job for more six months, I don't know. I know I want to go to job interviews, I want to feel that I can have a job, that I'm capable of it, but in fact I have a chill in the chest when I think about working right know, unless it is a part period job in a university. But here in Brazil we don't have many part time jobs.
Also, I think I will open a new thread in the general discussion. I think I need some advice from people who is struggling this as a couple. Maybe I'm in flatline again, because I have zero libido. In fact, I'm feeling almost repulsion for sex. I'm in doubt about this flatline because it's not like the first one. The first time my penis and balls shrunk. I couldn't masturbate if I wanted. Now I think my ED is a lot better, so I know I can masturbate with fantasies alone. But I still don't have any desire for real sex.
At last I want to register some things that happened this week:
1- Now I'm 5 days away from P, subs, and PMO.
2 - Wednesday 10/14 was the last time I masturbated. I did it 3 times that day, 3 Os. I don't remember exactly the triggers. So I'm only 4 days clean of any O.
3 - That same day my wife asked if I relapsed. I had to say yes. I'm not always strong enough to tell her in advance, but I have to say the truth when she asks. We had a conversation after that. We are going to implement again some strategies that I abandoned. She also searched the internet for routine strategies, and we came across the GTD technique. I liked it, we are trying to implement this thing in our own pace. I will leave a link for the site for anyone who is interested: http://gettingthingsdone.com/
4 - The last thing I wanted to say is that I'm probably going to reduce my replies in the forum for next few months, actually I already have reduced inadvertently. I'm still following Phil's journal, and there are others journals I try to keep track, but except from his journal, I will be much slower on responses. I think I need to focus on my journal at this moment, and also in reading stuff out there in the forum without feeling compelled to interact. As soon as I can, I will come back to post in other's journals. But if anyone is interested in my help or advice, or want to contact me for any reason please be free to post here or send me a PM. I was very shy in the beginning, now I love interactions in this forum, I love to help other people in their journal, it is very important for my recovery, I just can't do it as plenty as I want right now due to the lack of time.
I cannot thank you enough for writing down your remarks on my journal. I'm reflecting on what you said for some days. It's good to know from your experience that I can be overwhelming myself with to much change at the same time. But also, I have some concerns about how am supposed to read the idea of taking some time with the changes.
Here is what I'm thinking, this will be another long post, sorry for anyone who is reading it. I'm afraid I can be prolix.
At one hand, I can use this thought of taking it slow as an excuse for my relapses. At another, having a long time perspective is very important to avoid frustration. From the very start, months ago, I new my case would take quite some time, possibly a year and over, and I was willing to accept taking it slow. That's because I'm trying to implement changes in my life for 4 years now, much before I new porn was at the core of my inability to change.
I think I have developed a lot of patience over the years. I have energy and a solid mental constitution to tolerate bad and frustrating situations that are in part out of my control: my addiction could be one of them; my wife's depression and her mother's cancer; my brother's schizoaffective (I said before he was bipolar but the accurate diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder); my mom's bipolar disorder that manifested during my childhood; my social anxiety and difficult of making friends; my attachment and tolerance to people who trespass my boundaries because I'm afraid of being alone, this last item is something I think I overcame in the last few years, but it was a major problem during college.
The bad side is that I also have a lot of difficult to accept and deal with changes. All the defence mechanisms I invented for dealing with this stuff are also interfering in other fields. You create defences to deal with a situation, if the environment change and you can't have malleability to adjust your defences to your new situation, you have a problem. I can be patient, but I also can be immerse in my own little world of problems not taking any real step to change it. That's what happened during some years in psychoanalysis. I replaced my relations and all the real confrontations in my life with mirrors and spectra in the annalist office. When I realised my lack of progress I became very angry with psychoanalysis. It's not that I think talking and getting feedback is a waste of time, not at all, I wouldn't be here in the first place. Talking, expressing and making sense of one's past, or making sense of one's inner world is a very important step for recovery. The problem is that psychoanalysis is stuck with it. They never help you with concrete actions and proper planning for the outer world, they only expect that you will create something indeterminate out of your analytical production. So in the end, they only uses talk and catharsis as a healing device, and frankly it's not near enough! It takes a lot of years, they never give you their medical release and you get stuck and comfortable with your mental projections of your problems.
I think the year I released myself from my analyst (4 years ago) was paradoxically my very first year of change. I don't want to be unfair, my analyst helped me a lot in some specific situations, but dropping it was like being reborn. I said to myself that I was tired of sitting in a couch and talk about my problems, I would deal with them directly, for good or bad, by my hand and without a guide.
So here I am, maybe I'm overdoing it now. So I have to think about it. Am I rushing it? It depends. It looks like every demand I have is urgent. I have to write. I can't neglect it anymore. I neglected during the past months of my recovery, but now It's something I can't delay anymore otherwise I can get in a real academic nightmare. The idea of getting slow with my porn recovery is always tempting, but my wife is getting better of her depression and her libido is coming back altogether. So I can't delude myself and avoid the fact that if I continue to have frequent relapses my intimacy with her will get worse. I also have to get a job in order to have a positive bank account. Not having money to anything but the essential stuff is stressing me a lot. I want to go out and see a movie, or eat out, or buy stuff, or being able to make travelling plans, I also would be much more relaxed with a little financial reserve for troubles. Even my wife's clothes are getting old, and that can be terrible for a woman, I know that's one of the triggers for her's difficult of getting out of home.
One thing I know for sure. If I continue to use porn as an anxiety fix, I will get numb, I will have concentration problems, and I will reinforce my social insecurity to the point I won't be able to deal with job interviews, and at last, but not least, I will still be incapable of sex with my wife. So even if it looks like to much, I know that fighting my porn addiction is the basis, the very ground for dealing with all other stuff. And the thing is, I don't even enjoy it anymore. I truly hate it and hate myself everytime I do it.
I suppose I have to take it slower at any field. Maybe I can be ok without a job for more six months, I don't know. I know I want to go to job interviews, I want to feel that I can have a job, that I'm capable of it, but in fact I have a chill in the chest when I think about working right know, unless it is a part period job in a university. But here in Brazil we don't have many part time jobs.
Also, I think I will open a new thread in the general discussion. I think I need some advice from people who is struggling this as a couple. Maybe I'm in flatline again, because I have zero libido. In fact, I'm feeling almost repulsion for sex. I'm in doubt about this flatline because it's not like the first one. The first time my penis and balls shrunk. I couldn't masturbate if I wanted. Now I think my ED is a lot better, so I know I can masturbate with fantasies alone. But I still don't have any desire for real sex.
At last I want to register some things that happened this week:
1- Now I'm 5 days away from P, subs, and PMO.
2 - Wednesday 10/14 was the last time I masturbated. I did it 3 times that day, 3 Os. I don't remember exactly the triggers. So I'm only 4 days clean of any O.
3 - That same day my wife asked if I relapsed. I had to say yes. I'm not always strong enough to tell her in advance, but I have to say the truth when she asks. We had a conversation after that. We are going to implement again some strategies that I abandoned. She also searched the internet for routine strategies, and we came across the GTD technique. I liked it, we are trying to implement this thing in our own pace. I will leave a link for the site for anyone who is interested: http://gettingthingsdone.com/
4 - The last thing I wanted to say is that I'm probably going to reduce my replies in the forum for next few months, actually I already have reduced inadvertently. I'm still following Phil's journal, and there are others journals I try to keep track, but except from his journal, I will be much slower on responses. I think I need to focus on my journal at this moment, and also in reading stuff out there in the forum without feeling compelled to interact. As soon as I can, I will come back to post in other's journals. But if anyone is interested in my help or advice, or want to contact me for any reason please be free to post here or send me a PM. I was very shy in the beginning, now I love interactions in this forum, I love to help other people in their journal, it is very important for my recovery, I just can't do it as plenty as I want right now due to the lack of time.
I'm almost 6 days. I will keep track of my progress more closely. I'm a little triggered today because I woke up late and I'm a bit lost about what I have to do. What is my priority today? I have to cook, I have find a doctor for a skin problem that I developed last week, and it's preventing me from working out. Lastly, I have to write a little bit. I will start with my breakfast, them call the doctor...
Okay, 7 days again.
I have to celebrate it and be focused. Yesterday was a little tricky, today until now I feel fine. I'm policing my fantasies with much more energy. I don't let myself think freely about porn, I start counting down numbers or keep doing anything busy to stop it. It's wonderful how it works. It's a basic strategy, but I stopped using it when I became indulgent with myself in the last month. It's much better to cut out the fantasy in the very beginning before it accumulates pressure to relapse.
I feel confident. I'm working on my routine. I got up late today, but not as late as yesterday. I'm sure I will correct my sleep pattern again until the end of the week.
I have to celebrate it and be focused. Yesterday was a little tricky, today until now I feel fine. I'm policing my fantasies with much more energy. I don't let myself think freely about porn, I start counting down numbers or keep doing anything busy to stop it. It's wonderful how it works. It's a basic strategy, but I stopped using it when I became indulgent with myself in the last month. It's much better to cut out the fantasy in the very beginning before it accumulates pressure to relapse.
I feel confident. I'm working on my routine. I got up late today, but not as late as yesterday. I'm sure I will correct my sleep pattern again until the end of the week.
Another post today. I had an MO in the shower. I'm day zero for O. Not mad, nor angry. I just have to think about why?
When I was coming back from gym late at night I saw some girls that triggered me in the last street corner before my home. I counted down numbers until getting home and tried to distract me or forget it. In the end I thought that it was a waste to forget them without an MO, because I will surely forget their impressions, since I saw them for a brief moment.
That's the kind of thinking that beat me. I know sometimes I can hold a fantasy with a porn actress or a real girl at the gym that I know I can see again another time. They can be in a stand by mode. Of course I'm totally convinced that I don't want to do it never again. But some days when I'm weak I avoided masturbation tricking me. Just saying: not today, or it can wait a bit. This "a little bit more" could be enough for getting my strength back and overtaking control. But now I was caught by a trick from my brain. I will call it the "Now or never blackmail". May brain just said now or never for a
ephemeral stimulus and I choose now. I have to counter this thought with another one, and I must be aware of it, because it can repeat itself.
When I was coming back from gym late at night I saw some girls that triggered me in the last street corner before my home. I counted down numbers until getting home and tried to distract me or forget it. In the end I thought that it was a waste to forget them without an MO, because I will surely forget their impressions, since I saw them for a brief moment.
That's the kind of thinking that beat me. I know sometimes I can hold a fantasy with a porn actress or a real girl at the gym that I know I can see again another time. They can be in a stand by mode. Of course I'm totally convinced that I don't want to do it never again. But some days when I'm weak I avoided masturbation tricking me. Just saying: not today, or it can wait a bit. This "a little bit more" could be enough for getting my strength back and overtaking control. But now I was caught by a trick from my brain. I will call it the "Now or never blackmail". May brain just said now or never for a
ephemeral stimulus and I choose now. I have to counter this thought with another one, and I must be aware of it, because it can repeat itself.
I edited last post, because it had a brief description that could nonetheless trigger someone else reading my thread. I feel bad about jeopardizing anyone's recovery and the story wasn't something with sufficient importance to be worth keeping it.
Today I had an MO again in the shower. That's a warning, I'm very tired, with a little headache, probably because I also decided to cut coffee, sugar, butter and milk. It may seen rushed, but that's something I have to try right now. The reason is because I'm with both a gastritis and esophagitis. I'm with stomach problems throughout this whole year. Last month I got the results from an endoscopy and I still have to bring it to my doctor. I was afraid to make this change. I'm now dependent on a daily pill for my stomach, and I want to cut it in the near future. Also, I'm not losing much weight despite of my training. I lost a good amount in the beginning but now it stopped. My wife is begging me to keep the coffee with milk that only I know how to do. But the truth is she is beginning to develop stomach problems too, so I won't listen to her. That's a change I already wanted to do and she is always making me delay it.
Today I had an MO again in the shower. That's a warning, I'm very tired, with a little headache, probably because I also decided to cut coffee, sugar, butter and milk. It may seen rushed, but that's something I have to try right now. The reason is because I'm with both a gastritis and esophagitis. I'm with stomach problems throughout this whole year. Last month I got the results from an endoscopy and I still have to bring it to my doctor. I was afraid to make this change. I'm now dependent on a daily pill for my stomach, and I want to cut it in the near future. Also, I'm not losing much weight despite of my training. I lost a good amount in the beginning but now it stopped. My wife is begging me to keep the coffee with milk that only I know how to do. But the truth is she is beginning to develop stomach problems too, so I won't listen to her. That's a change I already wanted to do and she is always making me delay it.
I'm in a very bad mood. My wife's family is visiting us today. We have to do some cleaning and I still have class in the afternoon. I'm suffering from anticipation. Must find a way to not relapse. I think after this post I will unplug the computer for the rest of the day. Yesterday I drank coffee, but without sugar and milk. I will keep coffee but I will cut fat and sugar.
I'm still here. Yesterday was very hard. I can't deal with to much people at my home at the same time. I went away and walked a little bit. I had many terrible thoughts, but I managed to not let them out and spoil my wife's evening. In part I was angry because I wanted to write yesterday and I was not counting with all those people. I was also afraid of my home becoming a mess, but it was not the case, her grandmother even helped clean the kitchen floor. In fact I already had a brainfog and I possibly wouldn't be able to write. Today, her grandmother is still with us, but I can deal just fine with one person.
I also I regret something I said about psychoanalysis a few posts back. I think that analysis was very important for me and I possibly escaped from psychosis because I had an analyst during my childhood and adolescence (my brother didn't have one, and he had his first crisis in the last year of high school). I wanted to write more about it, but I just don't have the energy. But that's it, if anyone is reading those long post's of mine, don't bother with my teasing with analysis. A good analyst can help you a lot. I am privileged to have had good therapists who accompanied me for many years. I possibly would not have achieved many things I have today without clinical support, especially my long relationship with my wife and my doctoral studies.
Today my mood is a little unsteady, but not so bad as the last couple of days. My last MO was October 22, so I'm only 2 days now without O. I had a lot of urges yesterday, and I even woke up today with a morning wood and fantasies about girls from my gym.
I will start writing right now. I decided to start with my journal first because I already feel the impulse to relapse. I must keep myself aware of this impulse and don't give in. Writing can be a stressing situation, I will challenge myself to work on it only to the extent it's comfortable. If I get upset, angry or obsessed I will stop it.
I also I regret something I said about psychoanalysis a few posts back. I think that analysis was very important for me and I possibly escaped from psychosis because I had an analyst during my childhood and adolescence (my brother didn't have one, and he had his first crisis in the last year of high school). I wanted to write more about it, but I just don't have the energy. But that's it, if anyone is reading those long post's of mine, don't bother with my teasing with analysis. A good analyst can help you a lot. I am privileged to have had good therapists who accompanied me for many years. I possibly would not have achieved many things I have today without clinical support, especially my long relationship with my wife and my doctoral studies.
Today my mood is a little unsteady, but not so bad as the last couple of days. My last MO was October 22, so I'm only 2 days now without O. I had a lot of urges yesterday, and I even woke up today with a morning wood and fantasies about girls from my gym.
I will start writing right now. I decided to start with my journal first because I already feel the impulse to relapse. I must keep myself aware of this impulse and don't give in. Writing can be a stressing situation, I will challenge myself to work on it only to the extent it's comfortable. If I get upset, angry or obsessed I will stop it.
mrclean
Member
Ulaozin, just checkin in.
I see you're fighting for me is quite hard time also... I started 14th day in the morning.
I'm horny as hell as well as little anxious so my mind is wandering about having PMO session.... Yesterday I was considering going to party pickup or even calling hooker. In my crazy mind these outcomes looked like healthy one however I still have girlfriend (we are separated now and working on being together again). Despite this fact I hardly managed to simply go to sleep and not to go for finding casual sex....
And I also have problem with dreaming about sex with other girls I see on street or I remember from the past...
I found writing on forum relieving and strenthening decission so I'll try to write more often.
What motivates me is that I really see positive mood and energy changes when I don't do PMO (life's better) and remember negative ones when I slip. So basically I trying to remind myself that I wish to find what will happen next and how more better I can feel. My record is 23 days in may this year. After this I managed to only abstain for 7-14 days.
So I feel like I just went half-marathon and I'm tired already and I have still 21km to go.... ;(
Maybe I'll try to focus on one day only however it's hard for me now to make this decission. All my body wants now is to have dopamine release and having porn session and today I really feel like addict....
Be strong and have clear mind my friend.
Clear eyes. Full Heart. Cant' loose.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pZHXQ698Ok&safe=active
I see you're fighting for me is quite hard time also... I started 14th day in the morning.
I'm horny as hell as well as little anxious so my mind is wandering about having PMO session.... Yesterday I was considering going to party pickup or even calling hooker. In my crazy mind these outcomes looked like healthy one however I still have girlfriend (we are separated now and working on being together again). Despite this fact I hardly managed to simply go to sleep and not to go for finding casual sex....
And I also have problem with dreaming about sex with other girls I see on street or I remember from the past...
I found writing on forum relieving and strenthening decission so I'll try to write more often.
What motivates me is that I really see positive mood and energy changes when I don't do PMO (life's better) and remember negative ones when I slip. So basically I trying to remind myself that I wish to find what will happen next and how more better I can feel. My record is 23 days in may this year. After this I managed to only abstain for 7-14 days.
So I feel like I just went half-marathon and I'm tired already and I have still 21km to go.... ;(
Maybe I'll try to focus on one day only however it's hard for me now to make this decission. All my body wants now is to have dopamine release and having porn session and today I really feel like addict....
Be strong and have clear mind my friend.
Clear eyes. Full Heart. Cant' loose.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pZHXQ698Ok&safe=active
Philgood63
Active Member
Hi ulaozin,
I hope you're doing good and register some progress in the changes your install in your life. I've had a look at your threads again because I like the thoughts you develop, even if it's not exactely same concerns as me, yet it always feeds my own thoughts. Keep on going my friend, I still believe we are on our way to a better life even if it may sometimes be slower than we wish. I understood you need to keep distance with the forum these days, I also do, but sometimes I find it good to read again why we are here and why it's worth it.
Take care my friend.
I hope you're doing good and register some progress in the changes your install in your life. I've had a look at your threads again because I like the thoughts you develop, even if it's not exactely same concerns as me, yet it always feeds my own thoughts. Keep on going my friend, I still believe we are on our way to a better life even if it may sometimes be slower than we wish. I understood you need to keep distance with the forum these days, I also do, but sometimes I find it good to read again why we are here and why it's worth it.
Take care my friend.