Ulaozin Journal: First reboot

[ulaozin]

Hello folks,

That's the longest time I spent out of the forum until now and it was not a good experience. It has been 31 days since I posted here. I don't know exactly why I ran away. I think it's a combination of many things. I won't try to figure all of them now. Maybe the most important is the feeling of quitting. I wanted to know what it feels like. What is to throw in the towel? Although I didn't fully quit I couldn't reach even a week clean during this period because I was not really trying to avoid my fantasies. I was still updating my P counter and I even installed K9, but It didn't truly work because I misguidedly hoped it would do my job for me.

Phill,

Thanks man for reminding me that I have a friend. 

I'm not alone in my fight. There is this whole community fighting out here. No one can deal with this thing alone. It doesn't matter the reason why I was away. In the long run they are all the same reason, they are the infinite faces of one and single monster. It's only my addiction telling me that I don't need anyone and anything else besides the company of porn. 

I'm 2 days clean. Lets try to reach a week.

 

[ulaozin]

I think it's time for me to resume my journal.

I spent the last two months without truly engaging with my thoughts. It's not enough for me to try to avoid daily triggers. The long term threat is in my thoughts and beliefs.

So where do I stand now? What am I doing? Why I'm not completely focused like I was some months ago? 

Well, I think that since mid-October I'm relaxing my vigilance. I'm still fighting. I don't completely give in. When I relapse I always try to get away from it as fast as I can. But it seems more like I'm okay with the relapses. I noticed a lot of improvements in my life. I'm stronger, healthier, thinner, I can plan my diet and my workouts, I have a good routine of studies despite the fact I'm still blocked with my writing. I feel much more courageous, I have more contact with friends, although from time to time anxiety strikes me with great fury! I can say that my days are busy now. I don't feel like the exhausted, paranoid, depressed, and chubby man I was in the beginning of the year.

But that's precisely the problem. Since I feel I'm progressing in others fields of my life, some part of me thinks that it is okay to relapse every 2 or 3 days. Don't misunderstand me. It's not that I like porn again, or that I'm denying it's an addiction to me. I hate it. I hate the way I feel before the relapse, I hate those long periods of the day my mind is fighting against it's influence, and I hate to feel the rush after it. I feel it's like a hangover, it's bad for my body and mind, it's numbing and dizzying.

The truth is that I'm still afraid of the cravings. After 2 or 3 days I'm giving up to the addiction, because I fear that if I fight it as hard as I can this will be the only thing that I will be able to do.

What can I do against this thought? I must assume it's a lie. It's only one face of the addiction. I can fight it and still move on with my life. Even better, to fight it is to move on with my life. I won't fully achieve my projects under the influence of porn. And that's because I won't have a happy sexual life with my wife under this habbit. I won't feel empowered in front of obstacles, I won't feel like I can effectively engage with people, I will always have to run away to my lonely comfort zone using masturbation to deal with stress. Besides that, masturbation alone is stressing. I want to completely remove it from my behavior patters. I still feel I have a long way to go before I can look to my wife (or any other attractive girl that I bypass at the street) without those junk porn memories getting in the way and spoiling my emotions.

There's one last thing. It just occurred to me that since I'm having a lot of improvements, I never take the time to come here and write in my journal about them. I never talk positively about me or my life. Phil's already asked me once to write about the good things and he is right. So during this week I will try to write ONLY the good stuff. It's almost Christmas. We have double Christmas since Star Wars has hit the screens. And I will take this opportunity as a review of my progress and a planning for the year to come. 

The force awakens.

 

[ulaozin]

Well, today I want to write something about writing.

This period I was absent taught me that it's not a good decision to reduce my commitment to my journal. I must write here even when I don't feel like to do it. Writing in my journal and connect to people in the forum is by far the stronger stimulus in the fight against porn. I must keep in mind that the time I spend here is a time spent taking care of myself.

I don't know why I got away. One reason, or at least, one thought that I discovered yesterday is that I was feeling like I'm repetitive or boring. Well, I won't simply dismiss this thought as "stupid", instead, I will tell me that porn is repetitive, my problems are enduring and repetitive ones, so I should talk about them or write about them over and over again until something change. Things are changing. Little by little. Sometimes faster.

Also this thought connects with a constellation of thoughts I have about shame. I don't know exactly why sometimes I'm so ashamed. It can be about a opinion I have, or something clumsy I do. But I already feel that stop watching porn is reducing this "shameness" to accepted levels.

Another good thing about writing constantly is that I can look the last few entries in my journal and connect to them. I discovered that if I take to long to come back I feel disconnected and willing to relapse. Seeing a fresh last entry is like extending the duration of it's thought or feeling. It's like presenting again to my consciousness something it doesn't have the energy to retain by itself for long. It's just like the repetitive process of memorizing a new word in a new idiom, but instead it's a re-memorizing of a feeling or an intention.

 

[ulaozin]

I'm feeling a loser right now. Even so, I will make a new counter for MO. I have to count P and Orgasms.

I think Christmas is a bad time, with lots of distressing situations but I can't keep going like this.

Anyway I won't take to much time complaining. I still need to write about te positive stuff. Tomorrow I will try to reflect on that. 

 

[CrazyGopher]

Hi ulaozin,

I felt very happy to hear from you again.

It sounds like a tough time for you now, with the stress and trouble of holidays. :'( :'( :'( I hope you will get some relief from your distress soon.

It is tough, but you are becoming stronger! We all here are learning to become stronger together.

Good luck in this rough time my friend. And thank you for taking time to encourage others.

CG

 

[ulaozin]

Hello CrazyGopher,

It's very nice to be back. Thanks for your warm welcome.

It's strange, I feel responsible for some of the friends I made in the forum. I know that people get discouraged by a lot of reasons that I don't know and which I don't have power, but our sync sometimes gives me the impression that I can influence for good and bad their recovery. I felt guilty for this period of absence. And I know that it can have a impact on people, because the absence of some people I used to talk here also put some weight on my feelings. 

People need time. I know that everything I talked with those friends who are not posting anymore was in good faith and it may help them somehow. They may still be hanging around the forum reading us. They just don't feel like it's their time to share their stories. But sometimes I still think about them and It would feel great to see them back!

Anyway, I also want to thank you for encouraging me! It's very good to see how well you are doing, and how long you are fighting!


I'd like to register some stuff about Christmas!

It was very good! We worked all day cooking and cleaning. It was only me, my wife, one of her brothers (the other drank to much and could not  come, hehe) and her grandmother. It was very small. Late at night I called and texted some friends and my family (of course).

We prayed. Overall I think we turned a page in our lives. We didn't know how we would feel because it's the first Christmas without my wife's mother, but it passed naturally. I'm very proud of us. 

There are only 2 negative points. First, I masturbated a few times in the shower. It was a very hot Christmas, by the way. it is summer now here in the south hemisphere! 

The second point is that I ate too much sweets and candies. It's bad because I felt the rush of sugar escalate, specially because I cut them from my diet. Today I'm feeling a little melancholic and inclined to relapse. I'm craving even for games. So I have to be careful and do a detox.

 

[ulaozin]

I had moderate urges yesterday and today. I was very close to relapse yesterday, but I turned off the computer abruptly and thankfully I avoided it.

I'm feeling confident but also I don't want to rush things. I noticed that this time my cooking and cleaning routine is much stronger. So today I'm finishing 6 days without porn and I'm 4 days without any masturbation. That's great. I will try this old strategy. If things get too hard I will administrate one dose of pure orgasm, of course without porn but this time also avoiding fantasizing.

Also, I want to remark some positive stuff from the last couple of months. One thing I did with my wife was de-cluttering our home. We still have a lot of things to throw or give away, but I'm sure we already removed 60% of the junk. So it's also much easier to clean. We are watching some youtube videos of "a minimalist way of life". Which means we are trying to live with less and less objects. I want to do that. I already gave away 30% of my books. Also I'm trying to be aware and detach myself from any hoarding behavior I might have. It's something I'm doing with a lot patience, but little by little I don't want live with things, or files, books I won't read again, or objects that demands an impossible attention in my daily routine. 

 

[Philgood63]

Hey ulaozin, that sound like very positive stuff ! I love this idea of trying to separate what's worth it and what is not in our house, I'm sure it's an activity which cleans up your mind almost as much as it cleans up the house, isn't it ? Anyway, that's more than certainly linked with the positive results you have right now in your reboot. Keep on going on this nice road my friend !
(gonna sleep now, it's far far too late here in Europe to be awaken, but I needed having a quick look at the forum and my friends out there !)

 

[ulaozin]

I love this idea of trying to separate what's worth it and what is not in our house, I'm sure it's an activity which cleans up your mind almost as much as it cleans up the house, isn't it ?

Yes. But it's also distressing, because it feels like you are mixing a glass with milk and chocolate. The week I did this I got flu and also had many relapses. But even if I felt like I had a momentary defeat with porn, I was progressing in another field of my life. It's like you are mixing and working through your emotions while you are doing the same with your home. If anyone wants to try that, I would recommend this little book: "The life-changing magic of tiding up." It helped a lot, she has an interesting concept of organization. The criteria of getting rid of things is only joy. Which is very simple but also has a lot of subtleties. The book also presents you an order for the de-cluttering process which makes a lot of sense. It even appointed many mistakes which made me fail before. 

Today I'm feeling good. 7 days without porn. 5 without masturbation. Some of the lessons we have to learn twice or thrice. I forgot that it's much better to rewire abstaining from orgasm and fantasies. Of course I expect to have some anxiety leaks in the near future. But by now I'm feeling very good. I was only a little melancholic in a brief moment today, but I kept myself busy and everything went fine.

It seems that I had only to break the fantasizing process that was making me relapse every 3 or 4 days. The problem was the same as always. After 3 days I would start obsessing with an specific clip. The clip is usually something that I recently watched but didn't paid attention during my last session of clips. After a strong fight during day 4 and 5 the obsession is almost vanished, I'm very surprised how fast it went away this time. It's probably an effect of my long term commitment with rewiring. It looks like my addicted brain already knew he was weaker, so he was demobilizing me by creating this unjustified fear of the cravings. that, or maybe I just needed time to rebuilt my strengths. Maybe both, I don't know. Also it's too early to claim victory. Lets see how the second week will go.

 

[ulaozin]

I'm feeling a bit down today because my wife is also down. She is mourning a little bit, which is normal, of course, I shouldn't expect her to be okay. It's not that much time since her mother passed away. I should had figured that the first new year would be challenging too.

Anyway, I'm here just to remind myself that porn is not an option. I don't want to reset my counter in the new year evening.

I wanted to make a "reflection" for today but there is nothing particularly going on my mind. I know next year will be challenging too. I will have to settle some important stuff in my life. It will be the last year of doctorate and I will also have to find a job. Plus, I still have to solve my financial situation. Despite all that, I'm confident. I'm learning to cut expenses and also to plan my daily routine. I'm confident that when I find a job I will be able to pay my debts and also to save money for other plans. One thing this fighting against porn is teaching me is that I can develop the inner strength to live with less stimuli. I don't want to be overwhelmed by "distractions" in my life. I want to be sensitive to what really matters to me. 

 

[ulaozin]

I'm almost 9 days without porn and also completing 7 days without MO.

Cravings are very strong today. It looks like it will last for some days. I'm trying to concentrate on my routine but it's hard as brainfog is sneakily coming in. I'm trying to suppress my fantasies as hard as I can. I tried today as an experiment to masturbate without fantasies while staring to a blank wall. LoL. It didn't work. I couldn't reach O. I was hoping that a single O could reduce this stress.  :'(

Also I tried a technique that I found here but I forgot the link. It works by trying to mentalize the word peace and evoke a peaceful memory or place when the fantasies comes in. It probably needs reinforcement to works better. It helped, but I also found myself coming to dangerous memories. Today I don't have an specific obsession, now it's like a unfocused wave desperate to make me relapse with anything even my worst fetishes are trying to come back, I didn't expose myself to them in the last month and until now wasn't feeling the urge to do it. Again, this is a know territory. They will scream before getting weaker.

At last, I'm thinking about something that I have a vague memory that happened likewise the last time I cut masturbation so drastically. I had 2 great days before this storm. 2 days that I was greatly energized, 2 days that I thought I could workout as a demon, I was feeling like I could focus on anything I want, my emotions also were very naturally balanced! So, maybe this is a glimpse of what is to feel like rebooted. My brain delivered a little bit of the experience I may have as my new "normal" self if I stay in this path.

This thought gives me hope. I'm feeling quite better now after writing it! 

 

[ulaozin]

10 days without porn, 8 without MO.

Today was terrible. I really hope it's the peak of this round of withdrawal effects. I won't last much longer with a purge this strong.

I'm using all my resources and strategies to not relapse and to not fantasize. I'm rationalizing everything but I reached that point were my addiction stubbornly wont give in and I won't either, so we sit and wait together the whole day, because I can't do anything else besides fighting this stuff. This was a problem, because I ate badly today, lots of carbs. I simply can't cut vegetables with my brain completely foged. I had a little quarrel with my wife. Nothing important, but my stress circuit is over-reacting. So I had to meditate a lot to get away from anger.

But right now at the end of the day I masturbated while fantasizing. It didn't took more than 1 minute and a half. I didn't O because I stopped as soon as I could. I think this is the smallest dopamine release I was ever able to do in a 8 day streak starvation avoiding touching my penis almost completely, and yet, I felt just like it should. It's doubtless a dopamine release. It's interesting, there is always a small amout of willing that you can put into service of your addicted pathways. U release the drug as soon as you start "chosing" "picking" or "stretching" one porn memory instead of blocking it at the moment it pops up into consciousness. And the thing is: this smallest dose ever gave me a little release.

This addiction is trully a bitch! Those pathways won't simply turn dormant and wait for oblivion. They will scream and spread little arms desperate to grab anything, to make any signal pass the blockade. Blasters shooting everywhere! The galaxy is in peril. No part of us, even the worst ones, want's to become obsolete. They will start a war if it must. There is a Star Wars script going on our heads.

 

[ulaozin]

Time for a new reply.

13 days without porn / 1 day and 22h without MO

I'm craving very much. I've got a couple of days that it reduced intensity, but the cravings are pretty much stuck with me everyday.

I had sex with my wife 3 days ago. It was the best sex in years! I'm not saying it was perfect or that it was an extraordinary experience. I'm saying that my sensitivity was good, my erection almost full, and I didn't lose it, and I could have an O. We both did. And it didn't took to much time for me to ejaculate after her orgasm. My porn memories also didn't got in the way like they used to be. My mind wasn't fully silenced, but I could keep then at bay. At last, the after sex feeling was awesome! I don't feel that relaxing joy and that connection with my wife in years. It's an enduring feeling of happiness and foundness that can last for many hours after doing it. It's a whole different experience of satisfaction, very distinct from the instant gratification (most times instant self-frustration) of porn. I missed this experience a lot.

Yet, in the next day my craving was stronger and I had a relapse with my MO. That's okay. I had a 9 days abstention of MO. Now I have to beat that mark. I'm planning to have more sex with my wife even during abstention. It was not good for both of us this long abstinence we had. And also, I have to rewire my sexuality together with her.

I have an appointment with my psychologist today. It's my first session of the year. I'm eager to go and tell the news. I also feel great that I'm writing this stuff here, because, like you know, I probably have more difficult of talking about good things. I think I can process better the bad things. I dealt with a lot of the bad things during the years. And in some ways I got also addicted to bad stuff, to the feeling of dealing with bad stuff, bad emotions. Anyway, I had an intense urge to self boycott and relapse today. Writing it down helped putting things together.

I also think It was a right decision to push my self further at the turn of the year. Actually I wanted to push me earlier, but I simply didn't have the energy. I was fantasizing in September how I would complete 3 months by December, and after each relapse I would push forward my liberation day. But I was too eager, and I couldn't find my patience for the relapses while they were amassing. I forgot how difficult it was to amass clean days in the beginning and I could not see that my regression pushed me back to a position where patience and understanding was needed. After I realized it, I got 2 months in  November and December where I was focusing in building and strengthening my others healthy habits, while I was relapsing every 2 or 3 days. Those relapses were the briefest I could, and I always felt intoxicated by then. It was a delicate balance which could go wrong anytime. Actually it was going wrong, doing the difficult I'm facing again. But i think this half-pause helped me get the strength to resume the fight. Also I think it's very important to have a contingency plan for the bad times. If you find yourself in a position that you can't fight or push it anymore, you have to be clear with yourself about what are the points of no return, what things you won't let your addiction push you back to. 

Finally, I think it's important to push me in January because I have a lot of challenges this year. I still have a damn thesis to write!! And I haven't delivered the chapter I promissed for December. I'm organizing it now. I still have to show any kind of progress for my advisor very soon.

 

[ulaozin]

I had another long hiatus, now I want to talk a bit about my new strategy.

I'm 15 days without porn. I have a counter for MO too, I'm kepping track of it, but I don't want to reduce my masturbation right now. I content myself with stabilizing MO routine at every 3 days. Those MO are usually attached to porn fantasies, still, I wont change that for now.

I recall that my longest streak without porn happened when I wasn't really absent of masturbation. So I plan to keep this situation until I reach 100 days without any porn or subs. After that, I will change MO for every 5 days, and then, every 7 days, until I extinguish it. Although I still didn't finish reading Crazygopher's journal, (shame on me, it's a very good journal  :-[ )when I look at his counter I believe he did something like that. I think It suits me.

Also, I'm a little obsessed with control, I can't do it without the counter, but I was feeling frustrated every time I had to reset it. I can't stare an empty 90 days bar anymore which is so slow to fill up. So I'm stretching the goal every 5 days.

I decided to take this strategy because at this moment I can't deal anymore with sudden oscillations that paralises my routine for many days. I'm embarrassed about the fact that I did not write almost nothing of my doctoral thesis in recent months. As the deadline approaches I feel more and more like I have this knot tightening the neck. So my priority is to become able to stay in front of the computer and work without the sudden destructive impulse of watching porn. Hopefully, I'm already feeling it's happening. In the last few days I started to feel the dissociation again. Even though fantasies strikes me in a regular basis, they are not triggering the act of watching porn. They are more or less fulfilled with an occasional MO at the bathroom. Of course, this is not an ideal situation, and I must be aware of the fact that since I'm not watching porn, my addiction is trying to refuel it's patterns with other sources. For exemple, I feel like the fantasies are slightly redirecting themselves to girls on the street. 

Also, I had some anger and isolation issues in the last 2 weeks. Isolation still is a big part of my problem, but I'm dealing with it slowly. I only regret that I had a meeting in the house of a teacher that I missed. After I had already confirmed that I was available that day she sent me an email asking if I was going there and I didn't answer. It was an informal meeting with some colleagues from the university, but I was in a bad craving and raining day and I became anxious of seeing some people that I wasn't used to see.

At last, I think I will write a little less (again) in the forum for the next month. I feel like I have to save all my energies to write my work. I will try to update here at least once every 15 days. I'm still loging and reading journals everyday. There are some strong and powerful new stories around here. I just want to say that my thoughts are always here with you, keep journaling. Also, if any of my long time friends (or new ones!) have any emergence or just needs to talk a little bit, I'm right here. 

I wish we all to keep strong and motivated, We can win this battle!

 

[CrazyGopher]

Hi ulaozin,

It has been a while, but I see you are still resetting... You are still with us?

Hope the progress on your thesis goes well... Wishing you much success today!

 

[ulaozin]

Hey Man,

I'm still here. I have a ton of news, but during the last month I was so stressed and exhausted that I couldn't find the energy to write on my own journal.

I will try to put them on a single list:

I told my parents about my addiction. It was in a unexpected day, but it got out. I think my mom understood me right away. It's strange, but she just know me. My dad needed a long talk until he was okay. Nevertheless, I decided to go to a psychiatrist again ( I had a previous meting with one that I really didn't like last year).

I had my first consultation thursday 03/03. I'm taking medicine for depression. Started the next day. So I'm a little more than one week medicated. I already feel a little reduction in my anxiety.

I also took my wife to see a psychiatrist. I think we got a good one, he attends in a clinic very near our home. She is still very unable of getting out of home. It seems that her case is much worse than we thought. Let's see how she improves in the next month. She never should have stopped medication. But she stopped to go to her previous psychiatrist and I was also very unstable to do something about it. She will also need to start therapy as soon as the medications starts taking effect.

The bad news is that those doctors and pills compromise to much of my budget. I managed to get on track last month. I don't think it will derail again, but it certainly deepens our new-found frugal life, LOL.

The good news is that I have a test for a temporary job as a teacher tomorrow!

I'm trying not to panic about it. If I pass my money problems will get much better. It will even help me with my thesis and academic work. I'd love to get out of home more times and study in the university library, but I simply don't have money for the bus ticket. Also, there are many conferences out of my city that I don't go because of money.

My thesis is progressing very slowly. I think I should have started medication a long time ago. Nevertheless, I'm still feeling confident that it will take off. Now I see that most of the problem is with my mental organization, obsession and anxiety. I have to stop demanding too much of myself, remake my flight plan and stick to it. It's all in my mind, I just need to organize it.

I almost forgot. I'm with a flu and there is a new noisy work during the week in the apartment downstairs. Life can't be more perfect!  :'( At least my diet is okay! Everybody says I'm thinner.  8) I freed myself of sweets. I can't really afford then right now...

That's all folks. Crazygopher, thank's for helping me putting it out. 

Phillgood, I hear you are improving. Stick to it my friend. 

 

[Wolverine]

Hey Ulaozin

I have read the beggining of your journal and I found it very interesting, I was not able to read through all your posts so I have skipped to the last one, still very interesting


First of all I assume that you got married sometime in between those posts, I've noticed the chance from girlfriend to wife. If I am right let me congratulate you and wish you both all the best.

Regarding your recovery, I am taking SSRIs (escitalopram precisely) since 4 months now. I assume you have prescribed something similar so I would like to share with you with my experience. As most of us besides porn addiction I also have other problem which in my case is OCD. What I want to tell you is that you should not expect that your medication (wathever it is) will "cure" or "save" you from porn addiction, there is no magic pill for this disease, I am sure you already know that. I am also sure that your psychiatrist explained that to you. On the other hand the medication will give you some relieve from your anxiety which in itself is very valuable and helpful during recovery. So far I am happy with my treatment, have my up's and down's but It helps me to stay calm.


I hope you will share your personal experience with the medication, I am very interested on how it will work for you.

Best of luck.

 

[Philgood63]

Hey ulaozin !

I'm really happy to read some news from you, and especially to hear that you are experiencing some changes in your life. Of course, everything's not nice (and I wish you have this job and solve your money problems !) but there's a bend in the road and that's something that brings hope, so it's definitly positive stuff I think.

Regarding same issue wolverine is talking about, I would say that to my opinion medication is of great help, and even if it does not solve everything, sure it makes it easier. It helped me a lot and still does.

I wish you the best my friend, keep on moving forward too ! We're still walking a similar road and it's definitly the right direction.