? K 0 P P ?

[kopp]

Hi guys,
I'm a 22 years old french guy, living near Paris, studying computer science. I used to run and now I go to the gym. I used to play guitar. I've been shy, it's better now but not as good as it should, I'm kind of an introvert one. I have dififculties to talk about me, to open myself to others. Most days I can't approach people, some others I'm surprisingly good at it.

I know the nofap scene since.... like 4 years now. I have to be honest with you : I have never been really commited to it. I have never made more than 30 days I think. I made huge progress in my life anyway, but relapsing always take me down again. Too often I felt like I couldn't do it.
Somehow I'm still not convinced that not masturbating at all is healthy.

Last months have been difficult, I broke up with my girlfriend, I hate my job and don't have the courage to really find the one I want, I gained a bit of fat (even if I gained some muscle too ).

I want to leave for good now. I want real girls, real sex. Since I broke up with my girlfriend I haven't had a satisfying dating life.
Yeah, that's it : it's not that much that I want to quit porn or masturbation, it's simply that I want to be awesome, to my full potential, and get beautiful girls. I love girls so much, so much more than watching porn. I want the beach body, the girls and the $$$.

I also had good times : first times going to clubs, first times dancing with girls in public... I still don't feel confident enough to go directly to girls and dance with them and get them home but still, this has been amazing and it made me realize I could have success with girls.

The effects of PMO are, for me :
- lack of libido
- lack of energy
- suicidal thoughts
- confidence going down
- feeling like shit
- becoming antisocial
- becoming paranoid (ie everyone hates me, everyone looks at me in a bad way, ...)
- stopping going to the gym
- eating crap / not eating enough and losing muscle / gaining fat

Day 1.

Relapsing causes depression to me.
Those last months, I was relapsing every 3 to 10 days. I wasn't that bad, I was simply not as good as I could be.
Last week, I lost my accountability partner - we said that the next time one of us relapses, we end the partnership. ~ 3 days later he relapsed, it made me sad. I masturbated like 5 times the next day and then relapsed almost everyday or every 2 days.

Last time was last night.
Somehow I'm glad I relapsed. It made me realize I was doing shit, it made me remember that I needed to quit, it threw me back the reasons why I have to stop.

I want to improve myself and my dating life, I know I can do it. I'm tired of writing at the moment, see you soon ;p

 

[Alexander]

Bonjour monsieur!

I was reading your post and realized that we have the same side effects of PMO - lack of libido, energy, antisocial behavior...  ;D

It's great that you've realized what the problem is - porn. No doubt about it! You can have all those things - be awesome, live up to your potential, get the beach girls, and the money of course. It won't happen over night though. But you have to be committed. Make that drastic change and don't look back. You're only 22, you live in France, and you study CS. Your life will be great once you overcome the porn addiction.

Thank you for posting. I enjoyed reading it.

Vive la France! Vive la liberte!

 

[mtaha2015]

icopp glad to know about you.
you have a positive future, once you leave this bad addiction.
just keep your focus on recovery.

 

[kopp]

Thank you guys it's a pleasure to know you read my journal.

I relapsed yesterday.
The trigger was to see all those beautiful girls in the street. Why the hell are they all so sexy during summer?
I felt frustration from seeing them and not having one to have sex with. I wanted all of them... ok maybe not all, some were ugly

Anyway, except from the end where I edged for hours and relapsed, I had a wonderful weekend. I was at meeting Areva, athletism competition where Asafa Powell run the 100m in 9'81... It was awesome. Then I spent time with my little brother in Paris. It's a shame that it ended in a relapse but still I had great times.

I won't let the addiction harm me. I won't let it decides what my mood is. I decide to be happy today anyway.
I feel aggressive and it's wonderful because I was lacking this aggressivity since a few weeks... no one will stop me!

 

[kopp]

I deleted Skype because I'm often triggered by the girls on it.
I deleted the sexy pictures I received on my phone.

I'll be very careful with how I use Internet, I don't want to waste my time using it.

I want to get back the energy boost you have from abstening from orgasming, and I'll do what it takes to get it

Soon day 2.. then day 3... etc

 

[kopp]

It's so hard sometimes.
Not for the sexual thoughts at moment, but for the depression, and for the constant need to receive dopamine from internet.

I get bored by my work, open a new tab, go to a website, and another, and another... I lost all sense of reality, I'm just reading and reading new content, I feel this need of constant novelty, I feel empty when I stop... as soon as I stop I ask myself "and now which website can I visit?"..

Fucking addiction... I'll crush you and destroy you

I'm stressed about the fact that I have to find a new job before the beginning of September. Fuck that... why did I wait so long to start looking...
Somehow that's the reason I've been relapsing recently.. I hate my job, I have to find a new one, I don't know what I want to do in life.. I feel awful about it, every time I think about it I get depressed.. :s

Tonight I go back to the gym after a 10 days break. I already lost muscle mass. I have to take it back.

 

[Alexander]

Yeah, it's hard. You just have to be consistent. We all do! Why don't you replace the need for that novelty with something better than looking at new websites? Like reading, going out, working out, etc...

I deleted my skype, too. And all porn I had on my computer. I also deleted my browser and installed a new one. I congratulate you on taking that step in the right direction.

 

[BunnyBoy2015]

Hi Kopp,

You seem to be searching for something on all these websites. It could be the next dopamine rush, or there could be something else in your life you are not dealing with? Maybe you are searching for something in the back of your mind that you have been ignoring? I suffer from schizophrenia, and in all the times I was spending a lot of time looking at new things it was because of this, I was ignoring the traumas in my life that have lead into my schizophrenia or emotions I haven't dealt with. I maybe wrong, dopamine hits may be all your chasing, but thought it might be worth mentioning.

Good luck.

 

[kopp]

Why don't you replace the need for that novelty with something better than looking at new websites? Like reading, going out, working out, etc...

I'm usually at work when I go from a website to another so I can't read or workout. I'm supposed to work but I hate so much my job, I try to run away from it I guess.

What do you mean by a new browser? Is there a particular one that helps not relapsing?

I used blocking softwares but I tend to desactivate them everytime...
Yesterday I installed leechblock. It works well so far : I blocked the websites I lose my time on. It doesnt block porn sites though.

Thank you MountainSummit ! Yes you're right, as I said I try to avoid my job because it makes me feel sad (vicious circle - I tend to think I don't work enough, it's stressful and makes me want to work even less)

Day 2. Small victory.

 

[kopp]

Leechblock works well.
It's a simple browser extension but, if you activate the right option, it blocks you from accessing your extensions settings and therefore to desactivate it or uninstall it... I know there is a solution to this but for the moment I'm too lazy to try. This is cool to me because I used to simply desactivate the other blocking softwares, thinking 'I'll only look for 5 minutes', or I had to add an exception every 2 minutes because they were blocking too much things.

Today I feel fine. I surfed a bit internet but far less than before. I worked more. I feel less anxiety at work. Again, not a total victory but still a cool achievement.

I made my resume. I feel better about applying to jobs now.

This is only my second day, I hope I won't relapse, I must continue, I want to feel the energy boost, I want to live to my full potential

 

[kopp]

Day 3. I feel ok. There is no reason to relapse today. Since I started writing here, I'm more focused on rebooting.

I had sexual thoughts this morning. This is good because it means my libido is going back, but it is also one of my triggers.


Yesterday my ex called. We were supposed to meet tonight, but she was like 'I don't want sex with you blablabla' and thats something I hate, you don't decide in advance if you want or doesnt want to have sex, we always loved having sex together, there is no reason to shout out 'ok we meet but we won't have sex'. The truth is that I'd rather spend the night alone (I'll sleep better and won't have to pay for the cinema and food) than to spend the night with her, in my bed, not having sex.

We both got mad over the phone, I was angry because I was supposed to eat and she made me want to puke instead with her shitty story. She had sex once with someone from her office. I don't really care but pretended to be mad, I went full retard mode for a few minutes.
She told me she thought about me all along the sex with the other guy and was now lost and didn't want to have sex.
wtf.

I don't know what to think about her, about us, about myself. Maybe it's time to get rid of her for real, maybe it's time to rewire with other girls. She's my only sexual option at the moment and I really like her... but I think that if I don't get rid of her, if I don't go for a hard time being alone and wanting to escape the loneliness, I won't even try with other girls.

 

[kopp]

Sexual thoughts are popping and I cant focus on productive things. I crave for sex or videogames or internet binging... :s

 

[BunnyBoy2015]

Hi kopp,

Stay strong don't give in, go for a walk, phone a friend, go to the gym. Do something to occupy your mind. This does get easier, but you need to go through a tough phase first.

Good luck, don't give in.

 

[kopp]

Yes, good advices. I should call friends more often.

I've been edging this morning, for hours. Fuck it. I hate it and it's like I can't stop. I feel so confused.

I'm frustrated because I spent the night with my ex yesterday, we went to the cinema, I thought she'd be excited after watching Magic Mike XXL... not at all. Seriously I don't know what's wrong with her. I know she was in the mood, all the blocking things were between her head and her moral...

I hate it because I'd have a better evening by myself than I had hanging out with her. It was not pleasurable to be with her, she's always complaining about something, always being rude. And she invited me to see her and our friends saturday night... not sure I'll go at all.

So she left me this morning, full of desire with an intense boner... and that's why I edged.

The good part is that I had a morning wood.

I can't come back to a clean state of mind for the moment... grr!

 

[kopp]

This is so hard. Fucking addiction. I can't relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse !!

 

[Asianguy]

well, my advice to you is, don't think too much about " I can't quit "
Everytime you have any thoughts similar to : " i will look at porn now "
just think : "oh, almost got me haha not that easy "
and then you turn away from that thought with a grin !

That's what helps me up until now, well, i have a feeling I may relapse any moment now but let's see !
Good luck

 

[kopp]

Thank you! Yes that's what I'm doing more and more!
I feel more in control.

Today is day 5! I'm proud!

 

[kopp]

I'm experiencing brainfog, total lack of productivity, no willpower at all and I'm afraid of the future.
I'm stressing myself for no real reason. I just want to leave this job, I'm so unsatisfied with it. But I fear so much getting a new one... I feel like I don't have the skills.

...

Come on kopp stop complaining and go beast mode ffs! You're doing great about the reboot already, just do great in other areas too!

 

[kopp]

DAY 6. BOOM.

I'm not allright because I feel everyday the need to ejaculate, to release. but still. day 6. boom.

 

[Asianguy]

same, i now question the term : low libido because do day is my 36th day and I don't think I have had any clear sign of low libido. Starting from the 2nd week, I could get to 100% erection easily without Porn. Just thoughts about my girlfriend is enough.