Rikkoman
Member
I have finally decided to quit porn. So, I'm sure this isn't the first time you have heard this line. I have quit porn many, many times in the past. I'm 44 years old. Will turn 45 next month. I discovered porn when I was 9 years old, found stash of mags from my dad, then eventually mags and erotica from my older brother. Ever since then my eyes honed in on porn. I would watch VHS porn, and when DVD came around I thought I was in heaven. I also discovered I was gay in junior high. I did try to date girls, but my crushes always ended up with boys. So I eventually accepted my homosexuality in my teens. Porn has always been in my life. Gay men are bombarded with scantly clad men all their lives. Be it in the bars, clubs and home through the form of 'art'. Anyway, Naked men have always been in my line of sight. Early nineties I discovered online porn, but dial up really sucked, so I stuck with my stacks of porn mags, and DVDs, and reviewed them every other weekend. I met my husband (we actually got married last Nov.) in 1994. We have been together for quite some time. He had a very bad alcohol addiction. This would cause tremendous grief in our relationship. He beat this addiction in 2006 and has been sober then.
Well lets speed up to 2006. HI-SPEED INTERNET came along. Now I could see porn whenever I wanted, provided I was near a computer with an internet connection. By this time, I was watching porn on a weekly basis. I started watching it late at night on weekends when my boyfriend would fall asleep. I then added drinking, while I watched (I didn't want to drink in front of my sober boyfriend). So years go by, I watch more porn. I become familiar with many sites and even join some pay sites. I'm familiar with all the hotties online. Then the Smartphone came along. By this time I was already getting remarks by my boyfriend that I was online watching porn way too much. This lead to arguments, and I would justify that I was at least not screwing around with 'real' guys. I became very hostile when he would interrupt my 'sessions'. After all there is no such thing as Porn addiction. Sometimes I would call in sick from work so I could have a whole day to my self with my online porn while he was at work.
Speed up to present day. I watch porn every day, all the time. When I get up in the morning I reach for my Smartphone to check if there are any new hotties updated on my favorite porn sites. I would turn on my computer and watch vids I downloaded, while getting ready for work. As soon as I got to work I had two or three 'sessions' in the bathroom with my Smartpone. Got home from work, and worked out while I went online searching for new stuff. I told my boyfriend that it was 'gymspiration'. I have a complex about my body. I'm not huge or small, maybe husky with a small dick. I lust over these gorgeous guys online. I discover TUMBLR and see tons and tons of beautiful guys. Ordinary Joes, become my latest obssession. I start to compare myself with these guys online and develop a complex about my 'imperfect' body. I desire, desire, desire to be like them. If only I could. Anyway, this got worse. I discovered porn sites that streamed videos. I watched a lot more porn. My favorite porn was straight, gangbang, multi-guy, etc. I am a 100% gay man who has never been with a woman. A new novelty I discovered were gay guys having sex with women online. So I started to wonder what it was like to have sex with a woman. Straight guys have HOCD. I think I have it too, but my H is for Heterosexual not Homosexual. I like women, but I've never been oriented towards them sexually. The kind of sex I wanted to have with women was what I was seeing online, in a gangbang with other guys and one girl, demoralizing them, and well you get the picture......
So I continued telling myself I did not have a problem. I continued with this crazy journey for the past 8 years. Doing exactly what I mentioned above. My boyfriend (now husband) never bothered me with it anymore. I guess he just got tired of arguing with me. He knew he would not win. We're both Nurses, so he now he has a night shift job. Great I thought I can PMO all fucken night! I was more excited about the fact that he was going to be gone for 12 hours at night, than I was for him working. How fucked up is that? I work M-F, I'm a health coach and I help patients develop their self-management skills. Yeah! What a flip of a coin right?
So, I continue this porn thing, which in my mind, I figured I'm not hurting anybody. I'm at my own home PMOing, what's wrong with that? I don't have this PIED that the majority of guys are complaining about. Well, this is where I figured it out. For the past couple of years I have been having difficulty with my conversations. My recall is all jacked up. I have a hard time coming up with the "right" word. I end up running a long ass sentence around and around because I can't come up with the words to express my point. I noticed it when I am trying to motivate my patients to make lifestyle changes and I literally have a loss for words. Just last week, I excused myself from the exam room and pretended I got a coughing fit, because I totally could not explain a disease process, which I'm very well educated in. Now I know my shit. I'm really good at it. I'm the guy at the party who has that quick comeback, remark, you name it. I can whip out a statement, mostly original and I am known for that. ------- Not anymore, what is wrong with me, I thought? Could it be that I'm getting older, a tumor, wtf?
So after a night of PMOing, you know after that guilt feeling, that slight moment when you think you might have a problem. I started going through my Flipboard on my phone and came across Addiction. Porn Addiction came up. I found a cache of websites....leading me here. I read about how porn can really get you addicted and change your brain. That was my answer. I view porn 7 days a week at least 6 hours a day......I have turned my brain to mush. I went on a business trip last week, to a city I never been to. My co-workers would want me to meet them after the conferences so we can go out for dinner and explore the town. I quickly made up excuses to go to my Smartphone back at my hotel to PMO. WTF.....what am I doing????? On Friday I looked up those websites again, and I admitted to myself that I have a serious problem. So Saturday I made a promise to myself and decided to stop PMO. I haven't shared this with my husband. At least not yet. Accountability is important. But let me take it step by step. He probably still thinks I'm PMOing while I'm writing here, but tonight he's at work. During my research on this and other sites I read posts that advised to get rid of all your stash. Well.....I did move my laptop out of the bedroom. My Smartphone stays in the kitchen at night. I convinced myself that I could refrain from my porn saved on flash-drives, and my laptop. After all, they were years of collected treasures. Hold on, I do have a problem. So on Monday night when my husband was at work, I deleted all my porn videos, and pictures from my laptop(s). I just clicked delete. I then grabbed my flash-drives got a hammer smashed them up into pieces, I couldn't believe what I was doing, I was in a daze, but I did it. I then took my dogs out for a walk and dumped the pieces in the trash.
Now, here's something interesting I stood up all night (well most of the night) on Tuesday watching "police brutality/harassment" videos on You Tube. Just clicking video after video. OMG......my brain tricked me into getting it's dopamine rush with a substitute. Now it wasn't of a sexual nature, but I was "clicking and clicking" looking for that shocking image that surged my adrenaline along with my dopamine. WTF. I'm addicted to the fucking internet! So today, I raised my Filters, and I looked at my counter on my Smartphone. It's just been 4 days PMO free. I've got a lot of research to do. So I won't accidentally fall into a trap by my brain. I need to re-wire my brain so I can be BRAIN FOG FREE. That is my goal. I want that guy back, the one who could recall research articles in a heartbeat to provide to my patients, the guy who can have a great conversation without having that blank stare, reaching for the words that are beyond my mental grasp.
I mentioned that I will be 45 next month. I have wasted 20 good years on PORN. And I fucking hate that. I want clarity in my mind again, I want to listen to music, write, be more involved socially. Be the husband that my man deserves. These are a few of the reasons which are quite valuable to me. Hell of a lot more valuable than PORN. PORN is waste. It turned my brain into MUSH. The best inspiration I have received from this site and Yourbrainonporn.com is that "THE BRAIN FOG - WILL GO AWAY" But I'm 4 days in, and I'm am fucking scared that I will relapse. I want to be sober from PORN so bad. I really want clarity. I want to be free from this fucking demon. So I will treat every day like it's the first day I quit porn. And I look forward to seeing the green line on my counter to reach 90 days.
The only thing I would like to see is more gay men on this site. Not that I mind talking with straight guys, but like I mentioned before. It is so hard to be gay in this society. Male Physique is practically glamorized and shoved in your face every where you go. That is why I fear a Relapse. Anyway, If you stuck around to this last line, I appreciate you reading my first Journal entry.
Well lets speed up to 2006. HI-SPEED INTERNET came along. Now I could see porn whenever I wanted, provided I was near a computer with an internet connection. By this time, I was watching porn on a weekly basis. I started watching it late at night on weekends when my boyfriend would fall asleep. I then added drinking, while I watched (I didn't want to drink in front of my sober boyfriend). So years go by, I watch more porn. I become familiar with many sites and even join some pay sites. I'm familiar with all the hotties online. Then the Smartphone came along. By this time I was already getting remarks by my boyfriend that I was online watching porn way too much. This lead to arguments, and I would justify that I was at least not screwing around with 'real' guys. I became very hostile when he would interrupt my 'sessions'. After all there is no such thing as Porn addiction. Sometimes I would call in sick from work so I could have a whole day to my self with my online porn while he was at work.
Speed up to present day. I watch porn every day, all the time. When I get up in the morning I reach for my Smartphone to check if there are any new hotties updated on my favorite porn sites. I would turn on my computer and watch vids I downloaded, while getting ready for work. As soon as I got to work I had two or three 'sessions' in the bathroom with my Smartpone. Got home from work, and worked out while I went online searching for new stuff. I told my boyfriend that it was 'gymspiration'. I have a complex about my body. I'm not huge or small, maybe husky with a small dick. I lust over these gorgeous guys online. I discover TUMBLR and see tons and tons of beautiful guys. Ordinary Joes, become my latest obssession. I start to compare myself with these guys online and develop a complex about my 'imperfect' body. I desire, desire, desire to be like them. If only I could. Anyway, this got worse. I discovered porn sites that streamed videos. I watched a lot more porn. My favorite porn was straight, gangbang, multi-guy, etc. I am a 100% gay man who has never been with a woman. A new novelty I discovered were gay guys having sex with women online. So I started to wonder what it was like to have sex with a woman. Straight guys have HOCD. I think I have it too, but my H is for Heterosexual not Homosexual. I like women, but I've never been oriented towards them sexually. The kind of sex I wanted to have with women was what I was seeing online, in a gangbang with other guys and one girl, demoralizing them, and well you get the picture......
So I continued telling myself I did not have a problem. I continued with this crazy journey for the past 8 years. Doing exactly what I mentioned above. My boyfriend (now husband) never bothered me with it anymore. I guess he just got tired of arguing with me. He knew he would not win. We're both Nurses, so he now he has a night shift job. Great I thought I can PMO all fucken night! I was more excited about the fact that he was going to be gone for 12 hours at night, than I was for him working. How fucked up is that? I work M-F, I'm a health coach and I help patients develop their self-management skills. Yeah! What a flip of a coin right?
So, I continue this porn thing, which in my mind, I figured I'm not hurting anybody. I'm at my own home PMOing, what's wrong with that? I don't have this PIED that the majority of guys are complaining about. Well, this is where I figured it out. For the past couple of years I have been having difficulty with my conversations. My recall is all jacked up. I have a hard time coming up with the "right" word. I end up running a long ass sentence around and around because I can't come up with the words to express my point. I noticed it when I am trying to motivate my patients to make lifestyle changes and I literally have a loss for words. Just last week, I excused myself from the exam room and pretended I got a coughing fit, because I totally could not explain a disease process, which I'm very well educated in. Now I know my shit. I'm really good at it. I'm the guy at the party who has that quick comeback, remark, you name it. I can whip out a statement, mostly original and I am known for that. ------- Not anymore, what is wrong with me, I thought? Could it be that I'm getting older, a tumor, wtf?
So after a night of PMOing, you know after that guilt feeling, that slight moment when you think you might have a problem. I started going through my Flipboard on my phone and came across Addiction. Porn Addiction came up. I found a cache of websites....leading me here. I read about how porn can really get you addicted and change your brain. That was my answer. I view porn 7 days a week at least 6 hours a day......I have turned my brain to mush. I went on a business trip last week, to a city I never been to. My co-workers would want me to meet them after the conferences so we can go out for dinner and explore the town. I quickly made up excuses to go to my Smartphone back at my hotel to PMO. WTF.....what am I doing????? On Friday I looked up those websites again, and I admitted to myself that I have a serious problem. So Saturday I made a promise to myself and decided to stop PMO. I haven't shared this with my husband. At least not yet. Accountability is important. But let me take it step by step. He probably still thinks I'm PMOing while I'm writing here, but tonight he's at work. During my research on this and other sites I read posts that advised to get rid of all your stash. Well.....I did move my laptop out of the bedroom. My Smartphone stays in the kitchen at night. I convinced myself that I could refrain from my porn saved on flash-drives, and my laptop. After all, they were years of collected treasures. Hold on, I do have a problem. So on Monday night when my husband was at work, I deleted all my porn videos, and pictures from my laptop(s). I just clicked delete. I then grabbed my flash-drives got a hammer smashed them up into pieces, I couldn't believe what I was doing, I was in a daze, but I did it. I then took my dogs out for a walk and dumped the pieces in the trash.
Now, here's something interesting I stood up all night (well most of the night) on Tuesday watching "police brutality/harassment" videos on You Tube. Just clicking video after video. OMG......my brain tricked me into getting it's dopamine rush with a substitute. Now it wasn't of a sexual nature, but I was "clicking and clicking" looking for that shocking image that surged my adrenaline along with my dopamine. WTF. I'm addicted to the fucking internet! So today, I raised my Filters, and I looked at my counter on my Smartphone. It's just been 4 days PMO free. I've got a lot of research to do. So I won't accidentally fall into a trap by my brain. I need to re-wire my brain so I can be BRAIN FOG FREE. That is my goal. I want that guy back, the one who could recall research articles in a heartbeat to provide to my patients, the guy who can have a great conversation without having that blank stare, reaching for the words that are beyond my mental grasp.
I mentioned that I will be 45 next month. I have wasted 20 good years on PORN. And I fucking hate that. I want clarity in my mind again, I want to listen to music, write, be more involved socially. Be the husband that my man deserves. These are a few of the reasons which are quite valuable to me. Hell of a lot more valuable than PORN. PORN is waste. It turned my brain into MUSH. The best inspiration I have received from this site and Yourbrainonporn.com is that "THE BRAIN FOG - WILL GO AWAY" But I'm 4 days in, and I'm am fucking scared that I will relapse. I want to be sober from PORN so bad. I really want clarity. I want to be free from this fucking demon. So I will treat every day like it's the first day I quit porn. And I look forward to seeing the green line on my counter to reach 90 days.
The only thing I would like to see is more gay men on this site. Not that I mind talking with straight guys, but like I mentioned before. It is so hard to be gay in this society. Male Physique is practically glamorized and shoved in your face every where you go. That is why I fear a Relapse. Anyway, If you stuck around to this last line, I appreciate you reading my first Journal entry.
