Through another Hell (Journal)

[Promise]

Perhaps it's a parallel of the reboot?  Don't have to rush anywhere, take your time, and don't get frustrated if you don't see results straight away

Sounds like you're doing great.  How are you feeling?  How often/intensely do you get cravings?  What do you do to combat them?

 

[Hablablos]

Hello Promise,

I don't think I follow you on this:

Perhaps it's a parallel of the reboot?

What I meant is with the technology all around us, when we have a lot of things almost immediately we somehow expect this even for our lifes. We wait for some miracle and after that our lives will be better. And I am affraid that most of people generally wait for this until they die.

How are you feeling?  How often/intensely do you get cravings?  What do you do to combat them?

Well I feel pretty good. True, sometimes I have bad moments but in general I feel fine. For cravings I don't get them very often, because most of the time I am doing some activities. But when I play computer games for a long time, I sometimes have a little urge. But it's not hard to surpass it.

For fighting them one of the method is http://emergency.nofap.com/ It have links to many videos, articles, quotes, which makes you consider your actions. Another think is I plan my every day in advance. But I don't plan it like a list, where I cross activities I have done, but I plan it what will go first, what after. It helps me to really do them instead of thinking what I will do and procrastinate.

 

[Hablablos]

36th day

Last monday I had a situation, where I got notice about new chapter in some erotic story. From time to time I want to read some books, but not now. So I deleted my account, so I can't get any notice at all.

On today's walk I got to the point, where I could see houses of village I want to reach, but I have to wait just a little. My muscles still have to adapt for this. I guess it was about 2 km far away from me. But on the way I met several interesting points, where I want to go, after I reach this village. Looking forward to get there.

 

[CarloGualvez]

Keep motivated my friend. Life will always struck you and that's reality. Lets not go back from the ole days.

 

[Hablablos]

43th day

I GOT REJECTED! And I don't mind that much. There was a girl, that I wanted to ask for date for some time (half a year for sure), but I couldn't do it at all. Yesterday I got the opportunity and I used it. She told me she already has a boyfriend. But for me the most important part was that I actually asked. Because I know for sure if I didn't, I would definitely regret it. This experience confirmed me that we are our worst enemies most of the time.

 

[Hablablos]

3 months ago I mentioned I wanted to write something similar to Gabe's Road to Recovery. I planned it as a goodbye post, but after 116 days I relapsed, which postponed this plan. Instead I decided I will post it now as a Christmas present to you all. I was working on it since the 1st of October and rewrited it several times already. I know I have to post it, otherwise I would try to improve it over and over and there is a chance I would never post it at all.

Hablablos?s way to recovery​

?I?m trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You?re the one that has to walk through it.? ? Morpheus

I wrote this post because I felt there are a few things missing on topic of rebooting. I hope this post will make your reboot easier than it was mine. Yet sometimes you have to experience things on your own to understand. In that moment it has the biggest impact.

1. Admit you have a problem

?When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change?- Legend of Korra

If you don?t believe you have problem with porn, why would you want to get rid of it? Why would you go through that pain, bad feelings and more? Admitting problem is the most crucial point in your recovery.

If you are not sure, test yourself. Stop using porn for 14 days or just masturbate without porn. If you can do it without problem, good for you. But if you can?t do it at all, you probably have symptoms of porn addiction.

2. Learn about addiction

?Knowing is half the battle.? - G.I. Joe

You will face many uncomfortable situations during your recovery. But if you know what?s ahead of you, you won?t get scared so easily or misplace them for something else. I recommend starting with video The Great Porn Experiment. In this short video you will learn about the most common symptoms of porn addiction and compare them with your situation.

The best source of information about porn addiction is www.yourbrainonporn.com. This website contains many scientific studies, articles and videos, even a book! All of that gives you understanding of what is happening in your brain and what will you face during your reboot.
There are also other good sources as well. There are Gabe?s videos or NoFAP academy. Take your time and study it, it will ease your reboot.

3. Get rid of porn

?You can?t get enough of what won?t satisfy you?

In order to reboot, you need to get rid of everything associated with porn. Magazines, DVDs, videos and so on. Everything has to go. Because if you keep them, you will be tempted to use them. We all have tendency to have some kind of backdoor. But backdoors leads you sideways and away from your goal.

When I discovered I am porn addict, I wanted to recover. But I naively though I am strong enough to manage on my own. I was too afraid to delete my porn stash thinking I will lose something precious. For my first run I stayed 14 days before I relapsed.

After that I was relapsing every week mostly during the weekends, sometimes shorter. I decided to delete 1 P video every day as a reward for staying clean. I deleted everything after a week. But I was still watching porn on the internet.

For some reason I thought that if I install web filter I will lose information. I was too afraid for that. It took a few relapses and I installed K9 software. Funny thing, it wasn?t that bad as I though.But all this steps took me 4 months, before I really get rid of most available porn. I had to experience it by myself.

So if you decided for using filters, here?s a little help: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=6377.0

Filters block a lot of porn, but not all. You may try to bypass them or go around them and there is a chance you will succeed. But if you really want to recover, don?t rely on filters. Think about them as a warning.

4. Your real enemy

?I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies, for the hardest victory is over self.? ? Aristotle

For all of us this is the hardest thing we have ever done. It?s because you will face the most cunning, vicious enemy you can ever face. Yourself! It will be very persuasive voice in your head, promising you sweet things, convincing you that you need porn.

You used porn as a medicament. It was your place to hide from the world. A method how to deal with problems. It became a part of your life for years. It was part of my life as well.

In my starting days as a rebooter I was trying to reach higher and higher number of days. But I wasn?t much successful in that. Something had to change if I really wanted to successfully reboot. I had to change!

5. Change yourself

?The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.? ? Socrates

First thing you do, when you realize you are addicted to porn, is you will stop using it. You?ll be probably counting how many days you abstained from porn as I did. But unconsciously you are still thinking about porn. Then you relapse and you are angry at yourself. Read this on that matter: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5734.msg86535#msg86535

If you are just focusing on the specific amount of days like 90 days challenge, there is a chance you will succeed. But at the same time what you can feel after this threshold will be void. Emptiness. You will feel so empty it will be unbearable. In order to fill that void may fall again to porn, alcohol, cigarettes etc.. You won?t help yourself much.

?Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.? - Albert Einstein

Rather than thinking about porn focus on yourself. Sit down, take a pen and paper and write down, what you want to accomplish in your life. Write your life vision. It may take a day, week a month maybe, but it?s necessary. You need something to focus on. Because you are the most important person of your life! And the only one who can change it. http://darebee.com/motivation/you-define-you.html

?Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.? ? Oscar Wilde

You may need a small push on the beginning. Take a pen and paper and start with your strong and weak sides. Write your own personal success (graduating, gaining driving license, etc.), your favorite life quote and things you want to leave on this world (children, books, ideas...). These things will help you. These things will give you direction.

"Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change." Jim Rohn

It won?t be an easy fight. Not by a long shot. But it will be worth every second. Because now is the best opportunity to become who you always wanted to be. It is a choice. For me is this best definition of life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z5OookwOoY

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered "Man.... Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

6. Choose habits to stay busy

?We first make our habits, then our habits make us.? ? John Dryden

We all were using porn in our free time. It was the most interesting thing to do because anything else seemed boring. Best way out of the porn addiction is doing other activities, so you won?t think about porn. Because when you are trying not to think about porn, you are thinking about porn.

There are plenty of activities what you can do. Also include activities, which help you with your life vision. Funny thing is, when you do them for some time; you will find joy doing them. If you don?t know which one to pick, start here for inspiration: http://www.kratosguide.com/16-habits-you-should-do-every-day/

One thing is to choose and another is to do. Let?s say you want to run 5km a day. You will do it once, maybe twice but then you will stop. Why? Because it was sudden change and you aren?t used to it.

Instead start with 100 meters every day. Usually it takes about 20-30 repeats than it will become a habit. All you need to persist; especially when your mind is trying to hold you back.

Same work for books. Books are the best methods how to change. Everything you need for change is already written. All you have to do is read them. It?s easy thing to do and at the same time it?s easy not to do. Just read 10 pages of self-developing book every day. Doesn?t seem like much now, but give it in time and those 10 pages every day will do a difference. For start I recommend The Slight Edge, where is this idea explained.

"Your future is created by what you do today, not tomorrow."

Thanks to this repeated action you are training discipline. And discipline will help you through your entire life. http://wall.alphacoders.com/big.php?i=419392

?We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment.? Jim Rohn

7. Urges, triggers, relapses

?Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.? George Santayana

It?s important to discover your triggers. If you are aware of them, you will be more careful when facing them. Most common triggers are being alone and have nothing to do, because everything beside porn seems boring. But there might be few others as well as every one of us is different.

When the urge comes, there are many methods how you can fight them. Best thing you can do is to go away from computer, workout, meditation, going for a walk (preferably in nature) or take a cold shower. Also you can use NOFAP emergency: http://emergency.nofap.com/

We are all afraid of failing. Most of our lives we were told that failing is not an option, it is something bad and should be avoided. Ironically when you fail in something, it is your best opportunity to learn from it.

?Anything that I?ve ever attempted I was always willing to fail. You can?t always win, but don?t be afraid of making decisions. You can?t be paralyzed by fear of failure or you will never push yourself. You keep pushing because you believe in yourself and in your vision and you know that it is the right thing to do, success will come.? ? Arnold Schwarzenegger

So next time, if you relapse, don?t dwell on it. Use that opportunity to find the cause of your relapse. Learn from it and be better. Once again I recommend this post: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5734.msg86535#msg86535

Still if you are relapsing too often, divide you progress on smaller tasks. First just focus on masturbating and leave porn behind. Then try to limit your masturbation as well. Don?t get me wrong, I have nothing against masturbation, but I think it?s better if you limit yourself.

You will probably set 90 days challenge. But you probably won?t accomplish it at first run. But don?t mad on yourself for that. Every day without porn counts. Yet rather choose smaller amount of days like 7 days and focus on reaching them. You will be glad for every threshold you reach. Those 90 days will come soon enough.

8. Track your progress

?Don't count the days, make the days count.? ? Muhammad Ali

It?s better to have some a journal. Doesn?t matter if it?s a book or an anonymous account. Write here your beginning with porn, your opinions, how are you feeling, anything you like. Because later you?ll have something you can later compare with.

Also it?s good to have a counter, spreadsheet or calendar. You will see your real progress or if you have difficulties. I personally use calendar since the March 2015 and paper journal where I write at least once every three days. 


9. Share with others

"Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty." - Frank Herbert

Porn addiction is a touchy subject and not everyone wants to share it with others. That?s a good reason to find a professional help from psychologist. But be aware, that you might have to educate him first, because he/she might not have a clue about porn addiction. Once again, one of the best sources on this topic is www.yourbrainonporn.com thanks to scientific studies.

If you have a partner, they deserve to know your struggle as well. But if you just discovered you are addicted, give it some time before you understand it. Later, when you?ll be explaining it to your partner, you?ll have solid arguments.

Thing is, you are risking your relationship, because they might feel betrayed. I can?t help you with that, because I didn?t have any partner to this moment. But I think if your partner accepts this uncomfortable situation, it will strengthen your relationship. Otherwise that relationship would end up anyway; it was just matter of time. But this is just my opinion.

?The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.?
? Elisabeth K?bler-Ross

Another great method is creating an anonymous account. There are many people like you who have similar problems thanks to porn. And they also want to beat their addiction as much as you want to beat yours.

The first step might be very uncomfortable for you. Creating your journal and sharing your story with others requires courage. It is a big step out of your comfort zone. Philip Zimbardo talked about stepping out of your comfort zone as little acts of heroism. And if you make a habit of stepping out of your comfort zone, you later won?t have a problem to do uncomfortable things.

It may take a time before you get any reply to your journal. Don?t get discouraged by that. In the meantime you can write to other rebooters. A few words of encouragement will do a lot to them. And if you think you can give them advice or pointing out on their situation from different angle that helps as well. It will give them something to think about. In return they will help you and encourage you as well.

Also read stories of successful rebooters. They are people like you or me. And if they managed to recover from porn addiction, there is no reason why you can?t as well.

"...Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

10. Look how porn industry works

?Stop the demand!?

Look on the other side of barricade, just to know what it is like there. In videos, porn stars look like goddesses with all that make up. But look at them without it. You would be surprised, how they look in real life.

For many people porn is just business like any other. There is an supply and demand. A lot of porn stars, though they look so sexy and wanting in the videos, are feeling miserable in the real life. Read confessions of retired porn star to get the idea: https://www.thepinkcross.org/porn-star-confessions or http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/. I also recommend watching the document Hot Girls Wanted.

11. Return after some time

?If someone is going down the wrong road, he doesn't need motivation to speed him up. What he needs is education to turn him around.?- Jim Rohn

When we first find out we are porn addict, we learn information what to expect and how to beat the addiction. But even so we have problems and asking ourselves why we can?t beat it. This was my case.

I was fighting in for three quarters a year, yet I didn?t make much progress. I was able to hold for a week and then relapse. After that time I returned back to YBOP. In Reboot section I got my answer.

?The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.? ? Socrates

It?s a good thing if you return after some time, because you will see things under new circumstances. You will realize new things that will ease your reboot.

There are also two posts which I recommend to you: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0 http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0

 

[Hablablos]

Last words

When I started rebooting I hoped for something after accomplishing 90 days challenge. What I got was a life-changing experience and lesson I will never forget. Thanks to it I am better person than I was. I am grateful for discovering this addiction and fighting it. But I never want it to repeat again.

I wish you good luck on your journey and hope you will have a better life from now. That you will things you always wanted to do, but was too afraid to do them. Life is too short to live it in fear.

?To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.? ? Oscar Wilde

And if this humble post helps even to one person, it was worth all the time I was writing it.

?Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said,
"It made a difference for that one.?
? Loren Eiseley

 

[ironman2015]

you are doing great buddy.
got 116 days before.
keep moving.

 

[Hablablos]

9th day

Once again I have succumbed to PMO. It was on 23rd and then on 24th. One thing which caused it was that I stopped working out, or to be more precise I didn't work out so frequently as before. I read Four Hour Body from Tim Ferris and in this book author mentioned several interesting points which makes pretty good sense. Also I had a feeling that if I would work out I could cause myself something. Last time I ignored it and I had to go to hospital. During the holiday I haven't done much, relapsed, but created a plan for working out and added from things from book. I am wondering how it turns out.

I also noticed that for some reason I am affraid to masturbate. I rather run to porn instead to try it without it, when I really have to. It's like I have mental block in my head and when I reach to this point I run back to porn instead to go through. That I am too affraid to use my dominant hand. ;D Does it make sense? I don't know, but it seems to me like that.

 

[Dareius]

Hey Hablablos,

first of all don't loose track of what your already accomplished so far ! You healed yourself bigtime. Keep it going!

If I get you right you say you are afraid to masturbate without porn and because of this you run to porn? Could it maybe be that you get triggered and than run to the pc. Maybe when you start masturbating without porn you imagine scenes, than you get the kick and run to the pc?

Having a routine in something helps you to get over bad times. 100 days are needed before sth is really a routine - you gonna have to do it daily, even stretching during a certain period of time of the day when you are on gymbreak keeps the rythm of bodywork.

I wish you the best man.
Cya around

 

[Hablablos]

Hi Dareius,

If I get you right you say you are afraid to masturbate without porn and because of this you run to porn?

Yes, you could say that. For some reason I rather use porn instead just do it without it. But this is again only in my head and I have to overcome it.

Maybe when you start masturbating without porn you imagine scenes, than you get the kick and run to the pc?

True I imagine scenes or some stories I read before, but I didn't even tried to masturbate without it. I thought about it sometimes, my biggest need was about a week before my relapse after 116 days. That second relapce was combination of stress from work, fact that I didn't workout for a while and I started to play Albion Online. And because Albion has many aspects which can lead to addictive gaming, my brain got dopamine hits all the time.

For the routine, it's one of many reason why I managed to stay those 116 days before. I just have to masturbate without porn to make sure I am capable of that and I don't have to fear it anymore. As I mentioned a few times before, watching porn gives me nothing. I didn't even touched myself when I relapsed and it took me all day before that happened, in both cases. I just have to hold on and try harder.

 

[Hablablos]

16th day

I am still working on getting back to my schedule. My biggest problem is with working out, but I get that in track too. Today I went for a walk in nature after 3 weeks thanks to the holidays. It was lovely as always, but I just didn't go as far as I used to. But I don't mind, because I have to get used to the walking again. Looking forward to reach that village this year.

 

[Hablablos]

23rd day

I realized I am stuck with my social life. And it has been that way for several years I am affraid. I want to find a girlfriend, but I don't visit many places where I even could find any. During the week I am in work, then I am home. During the weekend I am home except time when I go for a walk. When I visit library, I just return the books, borrow new ones and then I go home. From time I go with friends to pub, where I could meet someone, but still it is not much ofter. Even when I was at secondary school or university, I was at school or at home playing games or using porn. So if I want to increase my chance to even meet somebody I have to take activities outside my home. For the start I'll start swimming again.

I really want a girlfriend. But I don't DO anything to actually find one. And she won't just magically appear in front of my door. A few years ago I had a chance to have one, but the conditions I was in prevented it. Because I build up a wall inside me, where I was hiding from the world and from others. And in my mind there was an "ideal" girlfriend, yet she was just a thought. A fantasy of mine. Nothing more.

Otherwise than that when I am at work and I am working on PC instead of listening music I am listening to Jim Rohn's seminars. Jim has a lot to say about the life that we all can learn from. Just for start you can watch this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXx4KZTJSuA

 

[sunborn]

Hey man. How are you doing? I can relate to what you write about wanting, but not doing. It's nice that you have become aware of your social life and that you want to change it. Building the lifestyle you want, with activites and things you really want to do will make all the difference. There's this book called Models by Mark Manson that talks about these things. It's a book about dating and attracting women, but really it's more about developing vulnerability more than anything else. That's the core idea. That our greatest strength comes from being vulnerable. He has a lot of good chapters on building the life we want to have. I can really recommend it. One of the most influential books I've read.

 

[Hablablos]

Thanks Sunborn for the tip. It seems like a very interesting book, but I am affraid I won't read it anytime soon. I put on my list so many books I started to plan which one will be next, otherwise I would hardly decide for any ;D. Other than that it's still the same. We'll see at the end of this week.

 

[Hablablos]

30th day

This was a very hard week for me. Since last Sunday I feel quite low. You could say that I broke one of my inner walls and I am still shaked from that. Unfortunately with discovery that I am not going out almost at all I feel empty. As I wrote in my way of recovery, some of us may feel emptiness inside. Void. That would be my case. As I am thinking about it, I am alone most of my life. I spent most of my time behind computer screen. I am completely messed up and I don't have energy for doing anything, yet I wrote down a few tasks, I would like to do. Now I probably have to hold on and try to do something about it.

 

[Hablablos]

36th day Another relapse

But this time I did it on purpose. All that thinking and overthinking and over overthinking past 14 days was too much for me. But I also found a solution for my problem. Speed dates. It one of many ways how to meet somebody, because we all are looking for a partner there. That doesn't mean, I will return to my old parrent work, home, work, home and so on. I will still try to go outside more.

I began read Rich Dad, Poor dad from Robert T. Kiyosaki and there was a catchy moment. When a person don't have money to buy something, he probably goes like this: "I don't have money." and leave it that way. But another way is: "What I have to do to get them?" This statement forces our mind to work, to think. To be creative. Well I used it and asked myself: What I have to do to get a girlfriend?" One option is written above.  After Rich Dad I decided to read Models as Sunborn recommended. Thanks again for the tip.

This leads to another important thing and that is that our mind and personal philosophy are the most powerful thing we all own. Probably one of the reasons why I was so succesful after reading quote ?The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.? ? Socrates is that is helped me to change my personal philosophy and my whole approach to addiction. Now it would be great to beat my previous record as well.

 

[Dareius]

Hey Hablablos,

good thing you point out that when one wants to have something one has to find a way on how to get it. Its obvious in a way yet eyeopening to read it again.

I have been thinking alot about how to get out and be around women more often, I really like women, not especially as sex partners - but as the beeings they are. I had a few good encounters in university even though my social anxiety hinders me to go further and meet a girl in private (I also dont really have a clue as to what to do with her :/ ) . I just orderd the book Model, gonna read that maybe I ll find some good tips.

Cya around

 

[Hablablos]

8th day

It's been quite a busy week. Lately I slept very bad. Mom pointed out that I could be under a lot of stress, which is quite possible. I worked on something, from library I've borrowed 2 books, I am in process of reading the third, so I am not sure if I manage to read them all. Once again I am without money, because on January I had a lot of expenses. And I am probably ill. Seems right that I really am under pressure.

Beside that I am reading Models from Mark Manson as Sunbord mentioned. I really can recommend it to anyone who is completely cluess about dating and relationship. I know I am, because lot of my life I isolated myself from others. I still have to work on going outside more, but that's fine.

 

[sunborn]

Hey man, I'm glad to hear that you found Models helpful. It really brings in a lot of great perspectives and tools. I think I should start reading it again as well as I just keep on learning new things as I work with myself your dedication to healing yourself is an inspiration. Keep it up and keep on sharing.