My #ihateporn Journal

[MrDude]

I'm glad to hear that you aren't giving up. I did relapse many times while trying to stop my addiction. Things were improving even though there were relapses, but I wanted to stops those relapses. That's why I created my account here and the support is really helping me. My objective of no P seams quite possible now. I hope that it will be the same for you.

Posting everyday is a good idea, but keep in mind that there is going to be days were time will be limited. In those days, I recommend posting a very quick message just so you remember what your are fighting for and that you don't "disconnect" from our help. (I know, I don't have a lot of credibility to say this since I post about one time a week!)

How is your wife living this? Is she hurt?

I wish the best for you an your wife. Your on the right way, and it's not the easy one. I will come on your journal more often and as I have said, I'm her for you. If any temptation or difficulty has to arise, just come here to post and I will be happy help.

 

[ajcoals]

Thanks man,

That means a lot.  My wife is just frustrated. She's gracious and patient, but this has been a factor in our marriage since the beginning, so sh'e just frustrated. 

I'm hoping this time we can kill this thing.  Please keep up with me, and I'll do the same with you.

What have been some of the most successful tactics you've used in your reboot?

 

[ajcoals]

Day 2:

Today was good, I started to meditate again, last night and this morning. 
Spent some time with friends tonight and shared with some guys my struggle.

Good day overall.

 

[MrDude]

Sounds like a good day. Your on the right track. Talking of this in person with your friends does help I found.

I will complete my reply tomorrow, today was quite  busy but I wanted to make a quick encouragement. I always got time for few sentences

Have a good night.

 

[ajcoals]

Thanks bro,

Grateful for the support.  I still feel guilty over my relapse this past weekend, I hate the way porn makes you feel.
Ready to see this thing killed every day from here on out.

 

[ajcoals]

Day 3:

Overall, today was good.
I really need to work on consistency with sleep, workout and overall schedule.

Fantasies tried to creep a few times, but I imagined a "red X" over them in my head and refused to entertain them.

Been almost 3 days, no orgasm, so grateful for a fresh start.

My confidence since my relapse has dropped a good bit, I know the reality of my weaknesses but I know through Christ, anything is possible.

 

[MrDude]

Still waiting for today's post from you

I know how you feel inside. The frustration of having made decision by yourself that were just plain wrong. That was driving me crazy, I didn't wanted at all to go back to P but after a relapse, I was aware that I was responsible for my error. This is frustrating  because your fighting against yourself, and you hurt people around you that you love. We both have felt very bad, but I think that it's better to give ourselves a rest by forgiving our errors and fighting harder the addiction. Your doing good in terms of fighting harder.

Sometimes it's not even our suffering that we want to heal but our beloved one. I was devastated by the harm I was causing to my girlfriend at that time. I didn't knew how to fix the wound I made, but I was still loving her. She didn't though so, but I was still in love with her. I think that the best thing you can do to help things with your wife is to make her feel how much you're loving her and how much your are engaged in your fight. From what I've read in a lot of journal, this should help make her feel better.

This fight is not just about braking up with P but it's also about reconciliation with your wife. Even if things are alright right now, it's a good idea to think about ways to make the couple closer. For example, you guys can make a resolution to have at least a hug a day (if it's not already the case). This might sound childish, but I find hugging a very good way to bring both hearts close and to feel loved.

You asked for tricks. What seams to help me this time is that I have talked of my struggles to my close friend but also to other friends of mine. They usually shares their struggles as well and that's helping I find. You feel less isolated with your problem. Also for me what is different this time is that I have started a regular sleep cycle and that I do sport every day (few exceptions may apply ) . I also got helped by my psychologist. Ok, maybe the biggest change is that since my last relapse, I'm not with the girlfriend I mentioned anymore, but even thought it improved things for me, I don't think it would be good for you. My relation wasn't healthy.

Already bedtime, wish you a good night. Keep posting man, glad to help !

EDIT : ok, you posted while I was writing ! Too late for me to reply, another day

 

[ajcoals]

Day 4: Today's update -

Today was a great day.  I started this morning at Starbucks, spent some time reading and meditating. Great start to my day.  Today was fairly stress free, but a good hard day at work.  This afternoon I went to our local Boys and Girls club to mentor a young kid who I meet every week to help with reading, so fun.

I definitely felt a little more temptation today. I know the next week will be the toughest, so I'm guarding my mind fervently, I know that's where it starts.

I'm out of town on business for the next week, so will need LOTS of accountability. I'm deciding to not even get online while gone, I won't have much access anyway, so I'll be taking a week off from posting fyi.

MrDude - you're the man.  Thanks for the encouragement bro. I particularly like the idea of doing something physical/emotional with my wife every day.  A hug or snuggle would be great, I think it would mean a lot to her.

Alright, going to go enjoy the evening with her.

Thanks for the support y'all! Another days in the books...

 

[ajcoals]

Day 7 -

Still away on business. Been over 7 days now since my last O, and I'm pressing through.  I know this next week will be tough, but praying for strength.  Need accountability particularly with my fantasies, they hit hardest in the morning when I first wake up, so I'm using this to press through and just get out of bed.

Excited to celebrate a week.  Shooting for 30 days hard mode!

 

[LeirTheFox]

Hey cnkafella,

I started to follow your journey and realized how hard is it for you to go along. It's an intense background and it also amuses me how you're facing it boldly against it. Thanks for sharing it with us

It's also good to see that you got some support from MrDude and applied whatever else works for you. One of these last suggestions made by him sounds really killer: to bond more with your wife and strenghten the connection you two share. I'll be checking here from time to time and trying to help whenever I can, too.

I'm not sure about how you're dealing with your routine, but if I could suggest you, I'd reccomend to start your day really early and focusing this extra energy (let's be honest, no-PMO makes us feel like titans) in something you know it'll make you feel good. It might be an extra project, a hobby, sports, studies -- pretty much anything that your future self would feel glad for taking part into.

By the way, thanks for the support on my journal.

Namaste!

 

[MrDude]

Hey congrats for your completed week. It might look like not a lot but I'm  sure you know it, it's the hardest one. From your day 4 I see two great actions you took for yourself. Taking a time out to relax and helping someone.

I try to, at least once a day, take a time for me to just do nothing, or to do something I like. Even if the schedule is quite tight. I do more work I think in a 5 hours period if I've took 1h off from it to relax. Stress doesn't make us necessarily faster. For example, I don't know for you, but it's when I'm about to miss the bus that I fail several times at tying my shoes. So I believe that taking time to breathe deeply a few time is not time you're losing.

You have said that you were helping a young boy. I like to help as well and I find that it's helping me also. The smile following the exclamation of the sudden understanding, there nothing else making a teacher happier. It feels really good to know you're helping someone and that your skills are appreciated. Keep helping, the world lack people like you.

Btw welcome LeirTheFox, I think you have a pretty good suggestion there, the hobby. Let's be honest, PMO was at some point an occupation in our boring life (at least, mine was). By having something else to do, we're not available to PMO, it's making us happy and there could be a result making us proud. Just to give examples of hobbies I'm doing: Repairing an ultrasonic cleaner, creating a smart led light for my ceiling simulating the rising sun, Sewing in general, programmation of artificial intelligence to resolve random games... (always a new one from time to time) Btw that's geek hobbies, I'm not prescribing these to you

OK this post is becoming way too long, but one last thing I've thought for you and your wife. A project. This is something that helps making the couple closer as well, working together on a common project. This is indeed a little more adventurous than hugs, but could be a good idea. An examples could be planing a travel.

Keep up the efforts man, your doing great!

Have a good night!

 

[ajcoals]

Day 9 -

- Mr Dude, So grateful you took the time to write so much. I really was encouraged by your post.  I took your advice, and today went hiking and to see a movie. It has been INCREDIBLY helpful.  I'm really busy this week, so the urges haven't been as bad. I've been trying to be super diligent with my thought life, knowing that's where it starts.  Also, I've committed to not turning on the TV in my hotel room all week.  So far, things have been great. Keep me accountable!

LeirtheFox - thanks for following...i'm following your journey too!

Let's kill this porn together!  Day 9 no PMO...stoked. Ready to kill this thing.

 

[igetum]

Hi, read your story and I want to tell you that you are on your way out of pmo. Personally, I did 83 days without pmo and relapsed. For about 3 weeks I slipped in and out. I noticed that my computer was a culprit, so i set protective software. Another was sleep, the longer I stayed awake the greater the chances to Pmo were.  and I found an advice about sleeping early. I sleep latest 8:30 and my insomnia is slowly going away. My next was time. I personally set a journal recording any MO and p experience during the three weeks. I realised that between 10:00am-11:00am these thoughts and urges were more(i do not work). At 10:00 I go out and practice some football on my own.
I also found some advice about not stressing my brain by giving it sufficient water. I drink a lot of water nowadays. Headaches have reduced and I have a clearer mind. I have also set some goals which I strive to achieve daily, planning so I achieve bits and bits per day, and aiming to accomplish them. Meditation also helped me.
Do not loose focus, learn as much as you can about PMO and the brain. Avoid any suggestive images and videos no matter how subtle they may look. Do not give them time to linger in your mind.

 

[ajcoals]

Day 11:

Business trip has been great.  Temptation has been low, but I have been incredibly busy, so that helps. I'm looking forward to being home. 
This week has reminded me how helpful work and busyness is in helping combat temptation.

I'm a little worried about the next 10 days, those were the hardes for me last time.  I really want to make it to 30 with no O, I think that would be a huge achievement and help me progress quickly. 

Just wanted to give an update.  I'm learning that schedule/workout/sleep are all hugely crucial to success.  The consistency is vital.

Thanks guys! Talk soon!

 

[ajcoals]

Day 12:

Made it home and so glad to be here!
Still pressing on to 30 days hard mode.  Would love to hit that goal.
No PMO this week during the business trip which I am supremely grateful for.  As soon as I was up in the plane today though, temptation hit, and thoughts have started to race. I've tried to shut it down, but I feel temptation is growing.
Trying to continue to fight hard.

Weekly update:
Workout: 5x
Journal: 4x
Time in the Word: need more work here, but it was a couple of times.

 

[ajcoals]

Awesome update:

I'm currently pursuing a 30-day, no O hard-mode, and I'm on day 12.  After being away from my wife for a week, we were able to fool around, kiss, cuddle and fondle each other, and I didn't pursue climax.

I really desired the intimacy, so it was great to be able to spend time together, and it was hot, but we had self control not to O. I really want to reboot first (I know 90 is preferred), then rewire completely with her. My goal is to really be able to gain more self-control with my sexuality, and immerse my sexual energy in her and her alone. Great night!

 

[ajcoals]

Day 14.

Excited to be two weeks in, but feel the heat today.  It's something about the daily routine that seems to spark temptation for me, so I'm trying to be on guard and not edges with my thoughts.

Do you guys have any thoughts on combatting edging?  I've hard everything from pushups (which I do) to mentally writing a red X over the thought in my head (which I also do)..do you guys have any other thoughts?

Did I workout today: Yes
Did I read the Bible today: Yes
Did I Journal: Yes
Did I meditate: Going right now!

 

[ajcoals]

Day 15

Excited as can be to be past two weeks, friends. I love seeing the progress, and am now taking every day very carefully to make sure I don't edge and to guard my emotions.
I'm in the stage now where I deeply miss the physical intimacy with my wife.  She's still nursing our little one, and it's incredible to see her give so much of herself, but I miss where our sex life use to be. It's been really great for me, in the midst of this to focus on self control, and loving her well despite not always getting my needs met.

Tempted to edge this morning and started to M but pulled back quickly. 

Halfway to my goal of 30 days no O.  My penis feels heavy and sensitive, and I'm just so ready to get there.

Good day overall! Had friends over for dinner, and watched our kids play.  I'm enjoying the freedom to engage conversations more naturally and I feel a much stronger confidence at work as well, which is great.

Did I workout today: No, but going tomorrow
Did I read the Bible today: No, over slept
Did I Journal: Yes
Did I meditate: No

Not a great day for my lineup, but good overall. I'll jump back on the band wagon in the am with the gym.

Night fellas!

 

[LeirTheFox]

Hey man, you're starting to edge now. Turn that steering wheel before it's too late!

Good to see that you're going on. Your daily list probably helps to keep it going, and also I believe social interactions now feels way more interesting.

As for dealing with this urges (a stage where I'm at, too), it's always good to remember the tools gathered by YourBrainOnPorn.

Also, there's this good video that gives us three tips for facing urges:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8-I5sVYjwY

Hope it helps!

 

[MrDude]

Hey man, waw, you're in fire! I mean, you seem quite dedicated to this. Your relationship with others and your wife look better now. I think it's a good thing to have a period of no O with our loved one and that's not just because it helps us reduce the craving afterwards. I've experienced that it also boost our attention towards that person, our relation become more emotional and less physically based. It makes the couples live it's early years again.

As LeirTheFox said, careful man, you're edging here. As for tricks to make the P thoughts vanish, I use this trick where I concentrate my self on something else rather than trying to not thing about P. Some suggestions of helping thoughts: your kids playing with you, looking together with your wife at a sunset, enjoying a beer with your friends. But you know way better than me what consists of a good moment for you!

Your log is consistent, that's good and I see that that you've started to use a constant point form kind of log end. It looks like a good idea. Maybe if you don't have time to post some day, try to just post these few lines, that would be great.

I'm happy for you, you seem to go well with your family. Have good day!