My #ihateporn Journal

[ajcoals]

Mr Dude -
Day 27 -
Your honesty and advice is really encouraging. Admitting that what I was doing was edging was so important and hearing you confirm it is helpful, definitely a sub.  I was trolling others experiences and it was definitely not helpful.  I briefly shared with my bride and we added Reddit to our "blocked" site via our accountability software, so won't be going there anymore.

This week marks Day 30, no O or sex, and I'm really grateful I did this. I think I could further.  Some days I think I should, most I'm really ready to start rewiring. It's frustrating to see some days I really have progress, I think it's more than just a flatline.  Subs simply don't have the pull they use to, but other days they have a surprisingly strong hold. I'm no where near where I need to be, won't be sporting my iPhone anytime soon, but I think I'm making progress.

Very encouraging to hear you affirm that, man. Some days I doubt my progress, so glad others are seeing it.

Friday night I'm hoping to plan a special date night at the house for my wife, and planning on having sex Fri night.  Looking forward to it!

 

[ajcoals]

Day 28 -

Guys - great victory this morning!
Had to do some work on the computer before the fam got up, knew I'd be tempted.
Fought for a while, and then finally went to go look at a Psub.  Before I even saw one inch of skin on the computer, i closed out the video and just kept working.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT!! P and PSubs kill your marriage guys. My wife has been hurt so many times by my lack of self control.  Keep fighting for those you love, this is the only way to live.

 

[firstofall22]

Keep fighting, man!! Great story, you are doing very well!

Bernie

 

[LeirTheFox]

Day 28 -

Guys - great victory this morning!
Had to do some work on the computer before the fam got up, knew I'd be tempted.
Fought for a while, and then finally went to go look at a Psub.  Before I even saw one inch of skin on the computer, i closed out the video and just kept working.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT!! P and PSubs kill your marriage guys. My wife has been hurt so many times by my lack of self control.  Keep fighting for those you love, this is the only way to live.

Good one, man. Don't give up.
We're at your side. Good thing you dropped the P-Sub before it was too late. You're just two days up to the 1st goal!

Keep fighting the good fight. Your journal has been an inspiration for me so far. Until I started reading yours, all I knew was how no-PMO affected young guys like me who were single and had no responsibility to significant others. Thanks for your sharing

 

[ajcoals]

Day 29:

Guys,

Thank you for your support, y'all are awesome.

Leir, your comment was really encouraging. I hate parts of my story, the ways I've fallen and hurt my wife and sinned against God, but I'm grateful for redemption He has given me, and I'm glad my story can be used to help point other guys towards purity.  That is my desire. I remember being 19, 20, 21 and literally spending all of my spare time doing nothing but P&M. Not only was it a waste of my sexuality, energy, social life...it set me up TERRIBLY for marriage.

P&M IS NOTHING LIKE MARRIAGE!  Marriage is beautiful, passionate, intimate, special, and actually most of your time is not about sex, it's about life and love and sacrifice. 

Guys, fight for your marriage or future marriage. Your brides will thank you!

Anyway - Can't believe tomorrow is day 30, hard mode.  When I first heard of hard mode, I really honestly thought it was impossible. I was so impressed by you guys who are doing it.  Excited that I've given up something I want badly, to fight for something even better.  My wife, my heart and my sexuality.  I know sex is going to be even better after this. 

Giving into every sexual urge is no way to live.  That part of my life is over.

Keep fighting guys!!

 

[ajcoals]

DAY THIRTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, guys. I'm stoked. 

30 days, no P, M or O.  Can not really believe it.  Never thought I could've done something like this, and I owe it all to God's grace, and learning so much about my addiction through this forum and YBOP.

Thanks for all your help guys!

Ok, enough celebrating. 

Here are my goals for the next 30.

- Continue no PMO and no P Subs
- Continue to understand the difference between abstaining from porn and living life without it.  I'm not trying to live life just avoiding porn, I'm trying to fully live my life w/o it.  Meaning, I'm not constantly thinking about P and M.
- Meditate more


Thanks for all the encouragement, especially Leir and MrDude.  You guys rock.

 

[Wabbajack]

Congratulations, this is big You did great! Trust me, the next 30 days will pass quicker, the one after that even more quick! Just don't let down your guard, it can be tricky - found it out myself and now I struggle

 

[MrDude]

I'm happy for you, this is great news. You've put a lot of efforts into this and it pays. I've no doubts that you are more than able to do the remaining. Not that it will be a piece of cake,but you're a lot stronger than you were.

I like to see how your faith is helping you. I'm not considering myself as Christian but more as  a spiritual agnostic. I see how helpful it is to have this relation with God inside you, it makes you stronger. You have a beacon for when the path fades in the dark. That's a plus.

Careful for cravings after sex, even if it's the real deal, it can definitely bring back a bit of cravings for P.

It's good to see you (well "read you") do well like that. 30 days hard mode that's something! Your wife is lucky to have an husband like you who cares for her and your child's.

Have a good night man, you're killing this thing!

 

[LeirTheFox]

DAY THIRTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, guys. I'm stoked. 

30 days, no P, M or O.  Can not really believe it.  Never thought I could've done something like this, and I owe it all to God's grace, and learning so much about my addiction through this forum and YBOP.

Thanks for all your help guys!

Ok, enough celebrating. 

Here are my goals for the next 30.

- Continue no PMO and no P Subs
- Continue to understand the difference between abstaining from porn and living life without it.  I'm not trying to live life just avoiding porn, I'm trying to fully live my life w/o it.  Meaning, I'm not constantly thinking about P and M.
- Meditate more


Thanks for all the encouragement, especially Leir and MrDude.  You guys rock.

Hey man, I'm really happy for you. Thirty days of battles, each one beaten day by day. Cheers!

MrDude noticed an interesting to your journey: It's impressive how your faith had kept you going. Like him, I'm more of a spiritual agnostic too (with inclinations to eastern philosophies), but we can all see how it helped you. Keep it up. Also, your family (and doing it for them) were another beautiful example of motivation. You're not doing it just for you, but for everybody your life touches. And this transcends through your actions and decisions. It's amazing!

Also, I'm pretty sure you can beat the next 30 days. You already done a huge step by understanding the cravings, the desire and how it correlates to the state of the brain. Understanding that is vital to keep going.

My only advice, as you approach more a healthier sexual condition, is to watch out for the Chaser Effect. Many had let the guard down thinking that, after finally succeeding on sex, they got it solved and don't need to concern with that anymore... and you can see where this goes, right?

But we're sure you're not going to do that. You're kicking this one like a badass. Keep rockin', man! ;D

 

[MrDude]

Hey, how are you doing man? Life is good?

Have a good night!

 

[LeirTheFox]

Hey man, you still there? Haven't read from you for awhile, and it seems I'm not the only one.

We miss you! Keep us posted.

 

[ajcoals]

Felllaassss....

Missed you guys!

Sorry - I just realized today, I haven't posted on here in a while.

Things have been going really well overall. 

Like I said previously, my wife and i just have had our second child and sex has been difficult, but that didn't stop my wife from giving me a tremendous night the night of the 30th.  Still can't believe I went 30 days without an O. 

Now an update -

So far, I've noticed a tremendous shift in my mind sexually.  I'm not buzzing all the time with super sexual thoughts, which frankly makes my life a whole lot better.  Sex has been diminished to a normal portion of my life again.  My wife and I are sexual, it's awesome, and then I move on. I'm not obsessing, edging, fantasizing, touching myself, etc all the time.  This has given me a tremendous amount of focus, professional and spiritual drive, and I think has made me a better husband as well.

My sensitivity and fun level during sexual activity has gone up as well. 
One of my goals is to have a fully functional sex life that doesn't involve guilt or anxiety of any kind, which was driven by me looking at P and subs online a part from my wife.

Guys...just don't do it.  Your wives will be so thankful.

Anyways, yes, my faith has been a tremendous help in this.  Knowing that God has created me as a sexual being, and that he gets  glory in my using my sexuality properly gives me joy.  God created this incredible thing, so He has also created the "how to" use it as well.  Anything outside of that, like porn, only perpetuates a brokenness in me that never was filled.

How are you guys doing?  See the counters look good. You guys are awesome. Keep it up!

 

[MrDude]

Waw, that's good. You're changing in a good way man. I'm glad to see that your intimacy with your wife is back to normal. I hope everything is going well with your second child.

How was it after several O. Have you felt that cravings where coming back or was it quite manageable?

You'll see, the remaining of your reboot won't be without challenges but will go much faster. I have to admit, I was a little bit anxious to hear from you. I wished the best and it looks like that's what happened.

Have a good night man and don't forget to say to your wife how much you love her because I see how much you do and it will for sure warm her heart

 

[ajcoals]

Guys - away for the weekend, terrible P dreams last night.  Need some help!

Also, M'd twice a week ago. First time in long time. Shared with wife, and moving forward.

 

[CrazyGopher]

Same thing happened to me a few days ago ckn, the P dreams that is. :'( I don't know why this happens to us... but I know it's rough :'(

I changed my routine up a bit to get off the computer earlier at night, so I wouldn't feel tempted... it seemed to help? Now after a few days, I feel back to normal again.

Good luck my man, keep posting if you feel tempted, it helps bigtime

 

[LeirTheFox]

Guys - away for the weekend, terrible P dreams last night.  Need some help!

Also, M'd twice a week ago. First time in long time. Shared with wife, and moving forward.

Hey man, I know it's hard, but try to keep yourself calm, even with P dreams. Back when I had HOCD I had terrible dreams involving same-sex situations and I knew it wasn't my truest interest there. Try to frame this as the same for you. Porn isn't what you really like. And don't feel guilty about what's going on with you, man. Your BODY got used to it. I'm not exactly christian, but if God forgive you, why can't you forgive your own body?

Also, CrazyGopher's advice was precious. Keep that counter up and nice

Cheers!

 

[ajcoals]

Hey guys,

As you can tell, I reset my counter earlier this week. I fell and PMO'd Monday night, and was incredibly frustrated. 
I fell with our ipad, and have since refused to use it unless my wife is in the room.

I've been down about it this week, honestly, but trying to press on.  Dealing with guilt, but trying to pick myself back up, look to Christ and keep fighting. I hate to see the counter reset, but my goal is to still hit 90 days again.  I know I've been a long time, and know I can do it.

Please keep in touch guys, I need you to help me press on.

Thanks!

 

[firstofall22]

Hey cknfella, man I know what you're going through, I've gone through this two times before and it's the most shitty part of the reboot. Keep your way, think of all the good things you did when you weren't damaged of watching porn. After 1-2 weeks of No PMO your brain will be happy again and you will continue using your superpowers. But until then, stay strong. This will be the last time of rebooting for you.

 

[ajcoals]

Hey guys,

Sad to say, I've been off the forum for over 4 weeks and the last four weeks have been terrible. I've relapsed a few times, reset my counter twice and have just been in an overall slump...all in the month of Christmas, which sucked!

I'm aggressively back on the horse.
I've shared my failures with a brother and my wife, and they've both encouraged me, and pushed me to keep going.  It's been tough...failure has enormous effects on the psyche and the soul.
I've been extremely discouraged, feeling no hope for change or the future.

How can I see such freedom...and then return back to this smut?!?!

Here's what I've learned:
- If i have access to porn, I'll use it. I hate this fact about myself, but it's true and if I want to see this change, I have to have extended amounts of time without P or subs.
- Web blocks have been enormous for me.  My wife even sleeps with the computer on her side of the bed now, and she is receiving accountability reports from all the websites I visit. I think this will be a huge deterrent.
- If I don't have regular accountability, I will fall.  I just recently asked a friend to ask me very direct PMO questions every monday morning. We'll actually both be asking these, to help us in this fight
- It's hard, and we often don't want to, but getting back on the horse and fighting this addiction QUICKLY is essential.  A failure is hard, but a binge is harder.  My encouragement is to DO NOT BINGE.
- Lastly, this is something I have to work at every day.  My habit is to work really hard, and as soon as I see success, i shift focus away from fighting towards something else.  Give it a few days/weeks, and I've fallen back.  I must monitor my progress and daily replace lust with love.
- Asking every day: How am I pursuing holiness today?  Pushing myself to have realistic answers every day.  Mine include meditation, prayer, time in God's word, accountability AND posting on here regularly.

Almost a week from PMO...let's do this!

 

[ajcoals]

Don't give up.

I just wanted to throw out a little word to all you fellas battling with this day-in and day-out.  I made a commitment to not look at porn from mid october - Christmas.  I really wanted to experience Christmas without the guilt and shame associated with porn.  Guess what?  I looked at porn on Christmas.  I was so angry. 

Today I'm 53 days out, and have not engaged in porn or subs, and I'm so excited.  I know a number of my close friends who also struggle and we push each other along and I just listened to Gabe share why he's so passionate about raising awareness on the effects of PMO here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8kJ387-rzg

And I just wanted to say, one of the greatest things you can do in this fight is to not give up.  No matter what. Stay in the battle until you have beaten this thing. It may take longer and hurt harder than you ever thought, but it's worth it.

Let's do this guys.