Back on track

[firstofall22]

Day 22

Feel very stressed out. There's nothing much I have to do currently but the things I want to do, they get really stressy and I barely can solve them. Also I spend a huge amount of time planning and sorting out things on my phone, it's almost hectic. I'm feeling really uncomfortable right now. I don't know what it is, but there is this inner impatience which drives me crazy.

Greets, Bernie

 

[firstofall22]

Day 24

Still feeling restless and nervous for some reason. I will try and search for answers today at mbop.com or some other source. I am pretty sure though that it is some kind of withdrawal symptom. I hope it's just a phase which doesn't stay too long, it's pretty uncomfortable.

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[igetum]

Nervousness and restlessness have hit me severally especially at night. When they come, I cannot sleep, my mind just ticks. Taking some deep inhalation an exhalation breaths has a bit of calming effect.

 

[firstofall22]

Day 28

4 weeks rebooting, guys. I've made it and I am still very motivated and positive, I will be able to overcome PMO that's what I know now. This second
reboot is so much different to the first one - maybe I just had to figure myself out or whatever, it feels like I know exactly what I want and the feeling still unbroken. There were a few days last week where I suffered, I was nervous, felt angry, bad, uncomfortable. Then it got better on Friday, positive energy was back. I am aware that this cycle will start all over again but I now know that it's SO worth to fight for it, guys! It's true, you have to withstand the flatline however often it may come, it's worth to get to the "end of the rainbow".
I told you that I was talking to my ex girlfriend about my issue in the past, she is the only person who knows about all this. Yesterday we talked about all this, about sex and about other stuff. We talked a lot and I said to her, that I didn't know how far I had rebooted my brain - I wanted to test, if PIED was still an issue after 1 month of hard mode no PMO. Well long story short, I got a blowjob from her, resulting in an orgasm. I was rock hard all the time for like half an hour or maybe a bit less, so no signs of PIED... I was very happy and I felt released, even though it took her quite some work to make me cum, but I guess that's not a wonder after years of tight fast fapping. So there is still a lot to do for me on my way to get sexually normal, but I am very confident that it's gonna turn out very well. So, we are still friends, friends with benefits if you want to. Like I said she's the only one who knows I have this problem, so I don't wanna lose her as a friend now.
I guess hard mode is over now, but I changed hard mode into a even better thing: being able to O with a real person.

Greets and much power for you all,
Bernie

 

[firstofall22]

Day 30

No triggers, no flashbacks, no urges due to my huge orgasm 3 days ago. I think orgasming with a real person doesn't give you the need to continue orgasming, it's natural and that's what really rewires your brain pretty fast, in my opinion. I am feeling better than ever, I am productive the whole day without having much rest, it's phenomenal. I got energy, social skills and libido back in my life. Continuing No PMO until the slightest urges are fading and then - keeping the system alive: No porn ever in my life.

Much power for you all,

Bernie

 

[firstofall22]

Hey there!

Thanks mate, I really appreciate your words. Yes, in my opinion it's hard to get away from porn, but even harder to get away from femdom porn. Maybe though it's like any other fetish people develop when consuming so much porn like we all do here, so it's relative. Nevertheless you are absolutely right, it's very mean and at the same time fascinating - the problem is that it turns our evolutional sexuality upside down, where males are the dominant sex. So in my opinion, this would get a problem when being in a long-term relationship. Just thinking...

Congrats to 40 days hard mode, bro. Great stuff! Thanks for the help, if I need it I will let you know.

 

[firstofall22]

Day 33

No urges really, trying to keep myself busy. Finally able to create something.

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[igetum]

33 days means progress. I am proud of your progress so far. Keep up man and never imagine looking back.

 

[firstofall22]

Day 35

Some good news and some other news - don't know if good or bad.
I finally was able to get a meeting at a really huge company near my hometown and they're now hiring me as a technician/quality supplier.
That's pretty sweet and another step towards my personal goals - don't know when I'll reach them at all, I see life as a ladder and now I'm doing another step towards independency (you have to know that I still live at home - bloody retarded I know). But yeah it's awesome!!!
Other things I was confronting today: I was feeling urges for whatever reason, it might have been some hot instagram pics or something on the web wich gave me arousal. I tried prostate massage as a way out and to release most of the pressure I was building up to that point. Now I don't know if it really worked anyway, I got rid of some fluid but I thought I could get a full load out of myself when massaging. Anyway, I feel bit of pressure is away while I don't feel the dopamine rush in my brain like I usually do when doing PMO or MO - so I guess it's okay. What do you guys think? I don't think I will repeat this as it wasn't that promising. I will observe myself if there will be more intense urges soon or not.

Cheers

 

[firstofall22]

Day 36

Feeling good today, there are some urges though which won't disappear, it's not cool. Looking forward starting my new job as I will be actually doing something the whole day instead of thinking against the urges. It will get a lot easier, well at least I hope so. Tried cold shower yesterday due to strong urges, works wonderfull (apart from that, it strengthens the body)!

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[firstofall22]

Day 37

No urges really, being busy doing nothing, beginning my new job on monday - time for a last relax and getting stuff sorted before I won't be able anymore. Being busy entertaining women, quite pleasing I must say. Progress!!

Greets

 

[firstofall22]

Day 38

I really like my drive right now... It's not that I really have to think about no PMO all the time, it's just occasional. And once a day I want to keep you guys updated and I also want to look at my way through this hell. What I really love about all this is, that I slowly feel natural habits and behavior like I should have when I was a normal guy chasing women. It is coming, very slowly, but I am getting more and more confidence with women - there is still plenty of stuff I have to learn about being cheeky and so on... you know what I mean. I'm reading a very good book about that right now, could help I guess.
It's funny... when I first rebooted, I installed web blockers and parenting apps on my phone to block all porn content. And after a few weeks I disabled everything to get to porn. Now I have free access to all stuff but I don't even think about it. It's like you tell a child not to eat the sweet stuff in the upper drawer but the child does it - because it is forbidden. It's the same here with porn.

Greets

 

[firstofall22]

Day 40

Yeeih, 40 days in a row! What a great number if there wasn't this bloody thing happening yesterday evening......I was super horny, well knowing that I was able to withstand jerking off for nearly 40 days except 1 BJ (which is not M at all). I was lying there in my bed feeling my penile area being super excited. So I was rubbing a little, not my hand but myself to my bed and pillows. It took like 20 seconds until I came. So was it bad that I came? Yes because I wanted to try hard mode. Hard mode in general is not the best thing to do according to urologists. They say it would be healthier to try to occasionally (maybe once a week) release the pressure, to cum. So it's relative, I am very proud of myself that I DID NOT watch any Porn and that I DID NOT use my hand to achieve a harsh penetration. Whatever, 2 times O in 40 days isn't bad statistics.

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[firstofall22]

Day 41

I will set my counter back due to PMO today. It wasn't long and it wasn't intese, also the porn wasn't weird or extreme. Nevertheless it was agains our rules of NoFap and I will start from new on. But I wouldn't be an optimist if I wouldn't see a positive thing in this: I made 40 days without masturbating to porn or masturbating. I only came once in 40 days and that was actual sex. So I'm kinda proud of myself still, because this was a huge achievement. I hope to reach more next time. I think what was hard is that I had sooo much time to think about NoPMO and stuff like that because of no work. From tomorrow on I will be working - it's so much easier if you have something to do.

Keep it up guys,

Bernie

 

[firstofall22]

Hey guys,

it's been 4 days since I relapsed, and the chaser effect got me too, so there were 2 times PMO in total. Yes it's a shame and yes I was disappointed
but you know what, I was addicted for fuckin years so I don't expect to be healing within 90 days. It's a progress, it's a life change and that's what really counts. It's harder than I thought because it's not only porn - no - it's life (family, friends, hobbies, work, love, happiness,...) all the stuff I ignored the last years. It's hard to get out of the old patterns, but it's doable.

The "super powers" are the one thing, they give you confidence and strength. But it's only the first step of a really long way - and the way can be disappointing, because life isn't how you thought it would be when doing No PMO. Life is hard and it will always be. The key is to be grateful what you have and life every day like the last one. It's not worth making unrealistic plans for the future, because the future is NOW...and NOW... and NOW. Every second you waste. It's a waste thinking about your great life without PMO and spend your time counting days. THIS IS LIFE NOW. Live it the utmost.

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[dreaminglord]

wow thats a awesome. journal.  40 days at a stretch , you are beast.

anyways.  PMO.  in hardmode is more like.  no porn, masturbation or orgasm.

see, we are addicted to all three.  one leads to other.  but final goal is orgasm.  so once you orgasm. in any way. like slight rubbing or anything.  what so ever.  will lead to relapse.  its just the pmo playing tricks on you. 

ive did some research into this and sprituality and found out that.  although our subcons mind does the most of the work, for relapsing and all.  there are entities that leads us to do this shit . as if like demons or something. the more crazy the addiction, the more powerful they become.  rewiring is just a process that makes sure that, pmo doesn't get the sufficient energy. to survive.   

they say, true change comes. when one is free of any relapse for almost 8 years.    but don't worry.   

these are the tricks they play.  like you O ing, without any M.  but still its a O.  so when you did that, it gets little momentum.
you mind automatically goes into a self shame or guilt.  and failure . so it takes this advantage.  then again, when you watch porn. coz already your will and positive attitude gone.    it first starts with less intense porn stuff.  but it sucks you into hardcore PMO very fast.  with even more devastating power. 

so donot worry. if you escalate into hardcore pmo.  coz you will again start. with each reboot you become stronger and stronger.  ofcourse pmo become weaker and weaker..            i am struggling with pmo addiction since 10 years.  started serious reboot this march. failed for almost 25 times.    each time i am getting stronger and stronger.  i guess this time i will not loose to it.  my max reboot was for 18 days.   

compared to mine , you are awesome

 

[firstofall22]

Thanks man for the kind words. I relapsed again today, the vicious cycle begins to turn and it sucks all my self-confidence in it. I think you are right when you say that with every goal we become stronger and stronger. I think so, too. We have to try it again and again, until we become stronger.

I am currently looking for something I can do next time I want to relapse. Meditation, praying, excessive sports? I don't know...

In days like these I feel very weak and I am ashamed of myself, but I also don't see that I have reached so much in these 40 days. It makes sense that 10 years of hardcore PMO cant be fixed in 40 days + 40 days of No PMO, that would be just too easy.

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[dreaminglord]

sorry for the late reply friend.

had issues with internet connection here, just now repaired. anyways,

i am going insanse with the relapses. its almost reboot 29th time for me.  but i will not give up.  did you watch that movie big hero 6. ??
the elder brother, fails almost 85 + times,  and even me thinking to not give up till i win against it.  anyways, i am trying all  methods.  hardcore pmo. 

i recently studied a lot about brain. subconsious and its working.  replacing bad habit with new one's is fine. but  entirely fighting an addiction is very very difficult.  i am actually doing an indepth research and trying to write a book, on the principles of subcon mind and consiousmind.

reading a lot about hypnosis, auto suggestions.  spiritual stuff. psychology etc.  although i am getting depressed frequently i am not giving up. i am from india, so it is easy for to venture into spiritul stuff. combining spiritual with science to fight this.

recently read THE FIELD and THE HOLOGRAPHIC UNIVERSE. 

so i guess i am doing good. i recommend you to start meditation.  we can give suggestions to subcon mind with meditation effectively.

also if you are a reader, read, many spiritual books.  (not religious).    do praying only if you really believe in god. or has abosolute faith in god or religion.  if you are not one who is not religious.  its waste of time to pray.

sports is also good. learning a new thing always helps us to replace old habits. i am learning flute on my self.  ordered a flute yesterday. so i guess this time i will be successful.  i wish the same for you too.

 

[ironman2015]

sorry to hear that relapse.
you are doing good again,
welcome back into brightness.

 

[firstofall22]

Hey guys thanks for the words.
I was now on "holidays" from No-PMO (3 weeks it has been) if you want to and now I am willing to strike back again. It will be the third time I am trying to overcome this fucking horrible addiction which drains every last social behaviour out of myself and makes me feel like a fucking zombie really. The difference between a porn life and a no porn life is immense. The big question is though how to overcome this evil thing which come from the subconscious mind, as dreaming lord said before, and it's all true!
I am not a reader. And I am also not religious, but I believe in sports as a way of getting a clear mind, and I am also interested in meditation. Also, I joined the community of 7cupsoftea, in order to get help from encouraged volunteers. I signed up today, I hope there will be someone helping me. If I overcome this addiction, I want to help others as well and bringing me in on this website, I really like this idea. Face to face psychologists are rare to get and very expensive, also I don't know if it is any help to me.
So SPORTS, MEDITATION and HELP will be my helping floats in this rough sea.
@dreaminglord, can you please tell me how to meditate correct, please?

Streak 3 - all rolled up again, wish me luck guys.

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