My Diary

[Loving_Mary]

Hi LM,

Long time, I've been off this forum for a while because I was relapsing quite a bit and trying by all means to stay off the Internet. But found it so much easier to go to youtube and social media. There is benefit to coming here, for sure.

Sorry to hear about the recent relapse, I had one recently as well, about two weeks ago, it was bad and scary. The challenge righth now for me, like you say, is staying happy/positive without having to go to youtube to watch hours and hours of funny videos as I hold myself over until my next P relapse.

I was talking to a friend in recovery the other day and as I was talking, I realise I was doing exactly what I was advising him about, which is using something outside myself to change how I feel on the inside. It's one of the most challenging thing for me, as I remember being totally addicted to television from childhood, but peace and happiness need to come from inside. It isn't easy, and sometimes we need help, some more than others, but we all struggle towards the same goal.

Take care man, hope it works out..

thanks Fly

I'm happy to hear about you.

I believe that when people stop comming to the forum: or things are going really well, or really bad.

Now that you mention that, for the last 2 weeks I've being doing this Youtube and Tv diet and it has made me realize how much time I was spending on that, thus how empty is my life.

I think it's a good step cause that broadens the awarness of problems in life which are one of the triggers of addictions.

I trully didn't realise I was spending so much of my free time on tv and youtube.

Now I've narrowed it to 4,5 hours per week without counting religion and no fap shows, although maybe I should just keep it 4,5 hours in plane total hours. It worries me a bit cause I don't even know what I'll do if I stick to that.

Take care

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys.

Day 1 again.

I was clean for 10 days or so and relapsed this weekend.

In general I feel pretty good.

Job is better and money is starting to balance up.

I'm working less hours and getting paid more. I think that will help to calm down.

Let's see how it goes.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

day 7 free of PMO

not feeling good.

Pretty intense temptation has haunted me sometimes.

I've started to experiment with sugar.

I've heard some addicts use it against withdrawal.

It does work, but not miraculously.

Job and money are better than before, but not smoothe. 

Yesterday I went to a party and I felt quite a lot of ansiety before going.

Once I got there I was better, but I needed half an hour to recover when I got home.

I'm aware that's not good, dude.

What discourages me is that after so many years I'm still like this. Plus only day 7. And not feeling good.

What should I do to truly recover? How should I think. How shoud I talk to myself?

I guess that answer is worth millions, but even if I knew...I don't know if I would find peace and fullfilment.

I'ts been ages since I last saw my closest friends, but I don't want to. I don't feel good.

My relationship with my family is not bad but it's not good eather. I'm in pain.

I've managed to pay some of my debt and save a little money. That gave me a little peace. I believe that I should celebrate that some more.

I've been training a little. Now that I have more time I want to train a bit more.

Sometimes I guet lost in dispair. Eveything is too difficult.

My only strenght is my faith in God. It's stronger than ever and has given me some peace and joy.

Thank you Jesus for all that you give me.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Thank you for this post LM, really honest and self-aware, which is powerful because many of us do not even know how to identify our emotions, and how these emotions behave inside our spirits. I'm glad your work situation is getting better, that will go a long way to improving self-esteem.

I relate to asking myself if I will ever get better. One thing that gives me hope is that if I can manage to stay away from P for an extended period, like 2 weeks, a month, 3 months, 6 months, 18 months, 3 years, etc, I will be very different from who I am today. If I steer clear of it today, I will be different from the person I would have been had I gone ahead and used.

So even though I struggle with social anxiety, fears and self-confidence issues, I keep that thought in the back of my mind, that if I can just hang in there and not act out, I make a small improvement, which is enough for me.

I find the problem comes when I want to see results quickly and sharply, like expecting myself to be this super confident person filled with energy. Hardly. In fact, when I keep my expectations low and humble, the pressure to get those months and years of clean time falls away, at least for today.

Ironically, when I'm not chasing "clean time", I find I am less likely to look at P, at least in that moment. I focus on the blessings of today and when I am met with a situation I would normally shrink away from (internally), I find I have a little bit of confidence coming out.

It reminds me of this passage in Jeremiah 1: "Then said I, Ah, Lord GOD! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child. But the LORD said unto me, Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak."

The whole chapter itself is amazing, and tells of how God has a destiny for him, and if we can just relax and trust Him, we can find the strength (through Him), to recover in our addiction and to further show up in a more meaningful way in the world. But we must always remember that it is God who provides the power we have and it is for His glory that we work and live.

Hope all is well man, glad to see you still active on here..

 

[Loving_Mary]

Thank you for this post LM, really honest and self-aware, which is powerful because many of us do not even know how to identify our emotions, and how these emotions behave inside our spirits. I'm glad your work situation is getting better, that will go a long way to improving self-esteem.

I relate to asking myself if I will ever get better. One thing that gives me hope is that if I can manage to stay away from P for an extended period, like 2 weeks, a month, 3 months, 6 months, 18 months, 3 years, etc, I will be very different from who I am today. If I steer clear of it today, I will be different from the person I would have been had I gone ahead and used.

So even though I struggle with social anxiety, fears and self-confidence issues, I keep that thought in the back of my mind, that if I can just hang in there and not act out, I make a small improvement, which is enough for me.

I find the problem comes when I want to see results quickly and sharply, like expecting myself to be this super confident person filled with energy. Hardly. In fact, when I keep my expectations low and humble, the pressure to get those months and years of clean time falls away, at least for today.

Ironically, when I'm not chasing "clean time", I find I am less likely to look at P, at least in that moment. I focus on the blessings of today and when I am met with a situation I would normally shrink away from (internally), I find I have a little bit of confidence coming out.

It reminds me of this passage in Jeremiah 1: "Then said I, Ah, Lord GOD! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child. But the LORD said unto me, Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak."

The whole chapter itself is amazing, and tells of how God has a destiny for him, and if we can just relax and trust Him, we can find the strength (through Him), to recover in our addiction and to further show up in a more meaningful way in the world. But we must always remember that it is God who provides the power we have and it is for His glory that we work and live.

Hope all is well man, glad to see you still active on here..

Thanks Fly,

your support is much appreciated.

That chapter that you sent me is awesome, thank you

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

day 6 clean from P.

Sugar does actually work for me. Things get a bit better with it.

I'm also experimenting with L-Glutamine.

But everything is still hard.

I wonder where the ansiety comes from, I've realised I had it before P.

Job is better than before. I don't have such a crazy boss anymore. She was really screwed.

Now I have a less crazy boss. But things with her are not going well.

Thing is that this time I'm going to find the way of talking things out with the company and arrange things so I don't have to deal with this toxic person anymore.

I must have bad luck or: due to the fact that I'm poor people try to take advantatge of me and abuse me.

But this time is different.

Pressure is big these days at work but I feel I'm dealing with it a bit better than usual.

I believe that the key of my problem is stress and ansiety. If it's true that this was the issue even before my addiction, if I'm able to solve it, my chances of overcoming the addiction will be far bigger.

Maybe this is not a war against addiction, it's a war against stress and ansiety and learning how to cope with it and reduce it.

 

[Loving_Mary]

hi guys,

13 days clean of P.

I've had very stressful moments this week, but I managed them correctly.

I had a lot of ansiety but I've managed it away from P.

So I had a bit of practice.

Very rough week at work, but it could be an opportunity to change some things for good.

This last year has been a boost for my faith.

Last weekend I went to a retreat and it was awesome.

Advent is here. Could be a hope for change in my life.

Cheers

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Peace be with you brother, one day at a time. None of what we do is in vain.

Also, just a reminder that the past 13 days mean a lot because these are days that you could have acted out. Instead, you gave yourself a better chance at a happy life for those days.

There were days when I didn't even see myself being able to recover, days when I didn't even know about recovery. We have come far.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Peace be with you brother, one day at a time. None of what we do is in vain.

Also, just a reminder that the past 13 days mean a lot because these are days that you could have acted out. Instead, you gave yourself a better chance at a happy life for those days.

There were days when I didn't even see myself being able to recover, days when I didn't even know about recovery. We have come far.

Thank you very much for your kind words, Fly

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

20 days away from P.

Today I ate a lot of sugar. At first it was like an ansiety, but then it felt good.

I know sugar is not good for me but I'm so disgusted with P that I'm experimenting with that other substance.

The other day I got to councelling so ansious that even my therapist told me that it was the first time he saw me like that.

Nevertheless the session went well and I could take somethings out of my chest.

I'm trying to solve some things in my work but I'm really not used to face things like this and it's hard. I used to go along with things and I guess my alter ego went straight to the computer to be "someone" in the cyber world.

Now at least I'm trying to do something about my problems instead of hiding under a bunch of pixels.

I feel kind of ashamed cause I'm getting to my 40's and I'm still learning that stuff. But I guess I spent my adolescence, youth and beyond avoiding human interaction in my room and now I have to pay the price and learn.

I've worked a lot to get here, not only for the 20 days, but I'm thinking of all my prayers, reading, exercise, my clean room, my better finances or at least the consciousness and responsability of managing them; my better relationship with my family, the bye to some toxic friends, my better interaction with new people and it's the first time in my life I really know what job I want to work in and I'm actually doing it. Needless to say the million tricks to deal with my addiction and stay away from P even for months.

All of that has taken a lot of hard work and effort. So now I just want to walk towards my goal and set free from P and live a better life.

Lately one of my big goals is to focus in my next half an hour of life. It helps me enjoy and forget all my excesive worries. For instance now I'm talking to you guys, just sharing to whomever wants to listen. I've made something similar to friends here.

The addiction is better managed with your support. I just want to thank you all for listening and sharing your experiences. At the beggining of my arrival here, in the forum, I felt superior from the others because I saw that there were people in a much worse situation than me. Or that I thought. But after 2 years in this forum and not quitting yet, I've realised that although I might be in a better position than some others in some ways, I'm not superior at all and will never be. Cause even if I heal I will always remember this experience as the most important of my life or at least one of them, and I've discovered many dark sides of my life which 2 years ago I didn't see yet.

I was in denial. I knew I had a problem but I didn't realise the extent of it. Even with counceling I'm not clean yet. So the problem is big and has been overwelming. So I'm another regular addict. 

I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to know you all. I've realised the value of being part of a kind group that doesn't judge me and I hope I'm making a contribution to the group too.

Today I gave away a password to my councelor. That means that even if I wanted to, it would be pretty hard for me to find P.

It was the last computer. The one that I used in my last big relapse in summer.

It's been a big step. There's no more P drug in my house. This will help me if I ever go crazy again.

20 days is not bad. I've been here before. It's 3 weeks or so. I'ts usually easer for me to stay away from P 3 weeks than 3 days. The tricks of the brain (the chaser effect).

Now I think that I'll pray or something and I'm going to bed, that I'm already sleepy.

Cheers

 

[FlyPhoenix]

I relate to so much of your share..

..especially the part about feeling like I'm approaching my 40s and only now making a bit of progress. But I want to remind us that we are in a much better position that we would be had we not tried to fight this thing. There are men in their 50s and 60s going off to (a third world country where they can act out with all sorts of people) because they are convinced that that is where their future is, they have given up their fight against the addiction and want to be able to freely immerse themselves in it. I know, because I wanted to do the same, away from people who know me. I am grateful that my life is steadily going in a different direction.

I am not as wealthy as I would like, but I am grateful.

I also relate to what you say about feeling superior to others on the forum and in my real-life meeting. As a result of repeated slips and relapses that threaten my life, I am humbled. I am tempted even without looking at stuff online, which is scary.

But I try to remember why I am recovering and what is at stake, then I find the motivation to work my recovery.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys

33 days away from P

I feel pretty well.

I've had a very stressful month but things are getting back to normal.

My faith has helped me a ton and my little tricks against stress and ansiety have worked.

I believe I'm still not normal in terms of my tendency to ansiety but the good news is that I haven't used P as a narcotic.

I've trained less but managed to train a bit.

My room is a bit untidy right now. I've started trading a little on crypto currencies as an amusement. I'm pretty excited about it. It's a nice hobbie.

Been pretty alone in general but sometimes I've got a call. Attending Toast Masters meetings regularly, going to some dinners. Well it's Christmas.

Managed to design a professional plan for 2019 that keeps the good things and discards the things that haven't worked out.

I need some rest from work. I will work 8 hours next week in total so that's nice.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

55 days free from P

today a girl friend sent me a message that she was in the city.

It was a nice surprise. We actually even made out a little.

It was nice to share some good company.

In general I've had days where I've been sad because of my personal and professional situation.

It's hard for me to focus on the rehab, which is going well since I blocked everything I've got.

But when the pain of the addiction starts to fade away, there's no joy left, not even emptyness. There's virtually nothing. Only a deep sense of fail.

It's like winning a battle while you watch all the dead bodies, all the blood, the pain, the defeat within the victory.

So it's hard to feel victorius.

Cause victory yeah is overcoming the adiction. But when I raise my eyes and see what's left... it's sad and scary.

My hope is that if I feel better my life will eventually get better.

I'm trying to start from my inner self. My soul, my soul full of scars. How many times have I damaged it? Maybe 10.000 times. But those wounds are gone.

My poor brain: I've damaged it so much that it's not even funny.

Last 2 weeks I've felt slightly better. Kind of more calm, more present.

I've managed not to touch myself so the healing is deeper.

My body. Healthy in general. But it hurts sometimes, my back.

Today I've done some exercise it was good.

My room looks pretty tidy.

My finances are not good. It's one of things that worries me the most.

Oh God I'd love to have a decent income. I'm poor.

The relationship with my family is not bad.

Lately I've had the desire to found a family. It's just a fantasy right now, cause I don't have the woman or the money to do that.

My friends, I really would like to have better quality friends but I guess first I will have to improve myself.

My "job". I'm sick of working plenty of hours for not even a salary. And if I get it everything is problems and pressure. I get it: it's me. Something is wrong with me. I'm not functional. But step by step.

Oh God please help me. Maybe now that I sin less everything will be easer.

Cheers 

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

68 days away from P

In general I feel that my brain is getting definetely better, especially if I stay away from M for several days.

Sometimes when I feel weak I start my usual shower with cold water, that wakes me up and helps gettting rid of too much confort wich leads me to M.

Right now P is pretty under control since I blocked everything in my house. But  still miss it sometimes.

I think I'm connecting more to other things in my life and other people.

Money issues worry me but my illness is loosing up.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

84 days away from P

of all the times I've quit, this one feels the best.

The differences between this time and previous  ones:

I feel better, I've blocked all my house and I do far less M

One of the reasons of the improvement could be the hardmode switch.

I'm happy I could finally give it a serious try.

I feel strangely more connected to reality and more adapted to it.

I also feel more connection with other people.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

104 days away from P.

In terms of my mind and ansiety I feel pretty good.

My worries are now for my life in general.

I feel my life is devastated after an earthquake.

Just seems my life is a farm.

I finally got off my computer and saw how is everything after 24 years of not taking care of it. 

The house is wrecked, the garden and the fields are a jungle, the animals are dead or gone, I don't know anyone in the village.

One thing I do have now: my mind, which was kidnapped by P.

On the one hand I feel devastated. On the other I feel kind of excited, as well as scared.

It reminds me to that movie, Australia, where Nicole Kidman plays a widow who has to take care of a ranch.

If at least I knew what to do, I'd do it for sure.

I would start by throwing away stuff, cleaning and tiding up. I would learn how to grow up cereals and the cattle, I would put everything to work.

But I just don't know where to start in my life, especially my job.

Anyway thanks for reading, understanding and sharing. You guys are awesome, you've been a great support.

Cheers

 

[DGF_AU086]

Triple figures! Well done mate.

One thing at a time, we can't fix our whole lives in a year. Now that you have a leg up on PMO, you can begin to work on the next thing. You can only eat an elephant one bite at a time. Looks like your making your way through it and it inspires me, so thank you.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Triple figures! Well done mate.

One thing at a time, we can't fix our whole lives in a year. Now that you have a leg up on PMO, you can begin to work on the next thing. You can only eat an elephant one bite at a time. Looks like your making your way through it and it inspires me, so thank you.

thanks man

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

long time no talk. No news, good news actually.

About 11 months clean from P.

I guess my life has changed a lot.

I can tell I'm not totally recovered but I can feel how my brain is rewiring.

I feel much more inmersed, connected to reality. This allows me to be more adapted. My decisions are more likely to have a positive result.

And my everyday life is a lot happier.

Work and money are much better than a year ago.

I met a woman. Don't know where this is going but she's an important part of my life now.

I've got motivations, plans, I do stuff.

I've recovered old hobbies and want to recover some more.

I would have never told myself how damaging is P if it weren't for releasing it from my life.

P is so stupid. It doesn't appeal anythig to me right now. I don't feel inmune or anything but I don't like the feeling or the idea of bumping my brain with drug. I even quited sugar, which was a bigger problem than I thought.

Both things made my brain bump up and down and the result was bad, bad.

One of the things that makes me really happy is reading. Philosophy which is what I studied at college. I'm re-reading and reading new things. It's pretty awesome actually. P messed up with my motivations and my capability of enjoying things.

I never actually read Philosophy without P and the addiction till now. And I can tell now I'm more aware, more focused, motivated and so.

Another thing that has changed is that I've got a girlfriend. I'm not quite sure if it's going well or not but I do know I love her.

My faith has never been as strong.

I'm working out and stuff.

Well guys everything good so far.

I'm looking forward to celebrating my first year clean from P.

Cheers and God bless you all

Now everything is different. Cause I have changed.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

it's been a long time since I last posted.

Clean since November 2018.

These days my ansiety went up with the confinement and stuff.

I still have my job but I'm pretty scared about everything.

It's one of those times when I feel every single part of my life might simply go away.

But there's something that I feel isn't going away: my faith, my hope and my love.

That comes from God and through me.

So I amb really greatful.

I'm quite happy sometimes, especially when I don't get bad news about my environment.

It seems that the whole world is tearing apart. That's not true.

Maybe it will change a lot, who knows; but eventually we will find equilibrium again.

Just trying to be positive and focus on what I can change.

I hope you're all doing well and if not, let me send you my best wishes.

Best Regards