My Diary

[FlyPhoenix]

Thanks man. Your comparison with the prisoner that comes back home is just brilliant. It didn't occur to me. And yeah, I can remember mysef before everything started, first with M and afterwords with awful P, when my life changed forever.

Now I'm comming back home from prison. Thanks God and thank you for the idea

Yeah man, and when we relapse, we end up locked up again. Then we have to slowly be reintroduced to society. Places like this forum are here to teach us and show us how to "live on the outside" so we don't have to relapse and get arrested again.

 

[Loving_Mary]

121 days free from P

That's more than 4 months. I'm kind of starting to believe.

But I know I'm still in danger.

I had a bit of temptation lately but nothing too serious.

I feel I'm between two worlds in many aspects of my life. And I guess that's not good.

Rebuilding my life.

When things get tough I just repeat to myself that this year's main goal is to stop.

And so far I making it.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

I relate to feeling tempted, had a dream last night where I was ogling a woman and then approached her to find she wasn't what I expected, I won't say anymore. The night before I had a dream I had drunk a lot of booze and was trying to hide it from my wife. Been feeling a bit under the weather recently, trying to stay warm, it's freezing in my part of the world.

 

[Loving_Mary]

I relate to feeling tempted, had a dream last night where I was ogling a woman and then approached her to find she wasn't what I expected, I won't say anymore. The night before I had a dream I had drunk a lot of booze and was trying to hide it from my wife. Been feeling a bit under the weather recently, trying to stay warm, it's freezing in my part of the world.

I guess one of the best warmths in the world is personal connection and love

 

[Loving_Mary]

Day 129 clean of P

Today I'm in temptation, my demon. My brain is craving a bit. I'm like 15-20% and it starts to be painful.

I have the intuition it's because I'm worried about something. My natural tendency is to avoid the problems of my life with P, so let's look closely to every part of my life and try to get a bit of perspective withour running away.

First of all my job. Today I started to search for a new job for the summer. I must confess that it was a bit harder than I thought, so that might be something that worries me.

I still have 1 and a half months of contract, but the sole thought of running away of money haunts me. Let's just focus and don't invent imaginary problems yet, when I still have time and I'm doing something about it.

The other day I kissed a girl and it had been a long time since my last kiss, like 8 months. In general I think that's good, but what worries me is that human relationships are so complicated.

I mean to get that kiss there's so much involved. And we didn't do much more. So limits are a "problem". You know, P is so immeadiate and fast, there's so much adrenaline involved. I remember how my heart pumped the last time I pipped those images for 20 seconds. And today I had a rush just for thinking about it when I saw a triggering non P image.

Images don't have personality or interaction, they can't reject you. You don't have to call them bla bla. And I think I feel much more atracted to P than to real girls.

Now that I'm not as dependant as I used to be, connecting with girls is more difficult, cause before I connected with dependant girls whith whome I developed a dependant relationship.

Now everything is much more dull. And I guess my ansiety doesn't help me with my charm. But I've gotta realise that I've got to recover before I can be really charming and attract high quality women I guess. I've got to fix many things of my life, such as ansiety and money. Step by step.

But I do miss P today.

Lately I realised one of my closest friends laughs at me when he's drunk and I don't like that at all.

My mother is leaving the flat somedays and that is good.

I'm kind of training lately.

I feel a bit nervous sometimes and stuff and I just try to calm myself.

My relationship with God is relatively good.

I still got debt, but today I finished paying one of my 3 debts, wich has been kind of cool. It's been pretty reliefing to pay that away, plus if I need the money again they will lend it to me straight away. Next month I will pay even less interest and I will be able to pay even more debt away.

My room is fairly tidy.

My clothes are pretty ok and stuff.

So probably it's for the job changes and for the chick I kissed.

I kind of wish I could date a really hot chick but the truth is that she might be hot, but untill I fix some things of my life I will attract chicks with issues. Even if I did, I would have to deal with her personality

I believe I attract what I am.

I wanna heal, don't want to through away all these months for a rush that will give me a lot of ansiety later on.

 

 

[Loving_Mary]

130 day clean from P

Not feeling very well today.

Holyday today. I feel pretty lonely.

I feel I'm between 2 worlds. My real motivation is still P, I can feel it. It's what has driven me for decades.

But I wanna change that and to do so I must stop. 

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Keep it up man, you are stronger than that, and it is not your identity. Your true identity is much greater than P..

Anyway, I can attest to the fact that while it might be enjoyable in the moment, the excruciating feeling of being paranoid that the universe is preparing some major consequence just after a relapse, is not fun at all.

I've made peace with the fact that I have slipped, I've decided I won't take it out on anyone. I draw strength from your success, please stay strong. And not to put pressure on you, I will work and take responsibility for my own recovery, but your progress is showing us that it is possible.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Keep it up man, you are stronger than that, and it is not your identity. Your true identity is much greater than P..

Anyway, I can attest to the fact that while it might be enjoyable in the moment, the excruciating feeling of being paranoid that the universe is preparing some major consequence just after a relapse, is not fun at all.

I've made peace with the fact that I have slipped, I've decided I won't take it out on anyone. I draw strength from your success, please stay strong. And not to put pressure on you, I will work and take responsibility for my own recovery, but your progress is showing us that it is possible.

thanks Fly, an honour to be an inspiration.

And yeah, I wanna shout that this is possible.

But I wanna share also the non epic part of the story.

Not every day I feel well.

And in terms of identity, I believe that at the moment my true identity is P

I mean my natural tendency is P

I've been addicted to this shit since I was 14...that's 23 years ago...I've been on this far more than half of my life...

It's my identity, part of what I am...I'm more things though...professionally and personally...but it's been hard work to understand and to accept what I am...a junky.

That doesn't mean that I don't wanna change...I do wanna change and actually I'm doing something about it

but before I tell to myself that I'm over all this I will have to be clean for a long time and also (and this I believe is very important) I will have to feel good, healthy.

I don't know if I'm strong or weak, after all the struggles this is far from epic.

I only know that today I'm clean and that it's been more than 4 months since the last time I saw such a disgusting and harmful thing.

thanks for your support and confort, man

regards

 

[FlyPhoenix]

You are doing a great thing, and it is important to have long clean time.

But I wish to disagree, your identity is definitely not P, I pray that you start to see that, that you start to see your identity as someone who has a higher moral compass.

There are many people out there allow P into their lives no problem, and they are happy with it. You have chosen a different path, which is more noble.

I started on my P journey when I was 10, which means almost 27 years in this mess, increasingly foul material coming into my mind..

No brother, this is not the life we were created for my our creator. I'm not sure if you are religious, but here is a passage that really spoke to me in my morning readings:

John 10:10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

The enemy wants us to believe we are destined to be in "sin" and destruction, but our creator is there to tell us we are beings of light, life and love. This is your true identity, not what the enemy (the evil in the world) wants you to believe. Stay well brother..

 

[Loving_Mary]

You are doing a great thing, and it is important to have long clean time.

But I wish to disagree, your identity is definitely not P, I pray that you start to see that, that you start to see your identity as someone who has a higher moral compass.

There are many people out there allow P into their lives no problem, and they are happy with it. You have chosen a different path, which is more noble.

I started on my P journey when I was 10, which means almost 27 years in this mess, increasingly foul material coming into my mind..

No brother, this is not the life we were created for my our creator. I'm not sure if you are religious, but here is a passage that really spoke to me in my morning readings:

John 10:10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

The enemy wants us to believe we are destined to be in "sin" and destruction, but our creator is there to tell us we are beings of light, life and love. This is your true identity, not what the enemy (the evil in the world) wants you to believe. Stay well brother..

thanks Fly

 

[Loving_Mary]

Day 160 clean from P

Sounds a lot and it is but I don't feel well.

I'm on a mild but painful temptation.

I do miss P. And it doesn't go away.

Thinking about true recovery, feeling really good and so on it's just a product of my imagination right now.

I would totally do it.

Thing is that I know that while doing it I would feel weird after all this time and it would be a pitty to throw away more than 5 months of work in just a few minutes.

P is so attached to my personality that it just doesn't go away.

All the theory is awesome but my ansiety is hurting me.

I'm in the middle of job changes and at the time summer money is still not clear at all.

This is what trully happens to me.

I still got to work on handling my stress and ansiety.

It's been difficult to pay debt away, because of the lack of income of last summer.

This time I've learned my lesson and I will work in some paid work in summer, appart from my comission work.

I had 3 credits: 2 small and 1 big

Yesterday I finished paying the second one. Now I'm in a pretty confortable position cause the big one can be paid slowly and interest is relativily reasonable.

But obviously what's on my mind is this summer. In mid june I will finish my paid job and things might get steep.

I've got options cause I'm doing interviews but the thing is that It's hard for me to cope with the worry, stress and ansiety; handling uncertainty.

So then is when the thought of P comes by.

The other day I met a girl and I got her phone number.

But I don't feel strong enough to date anyone right now, I'm too worried and ansious to relax and spend money on a date. That's a fact.

I feel I don't have "real" friends right now.

My mother is crazy but lately my relationship with her is improving. Yesterday I paid all my debt with her away and it was good, awesome. I felt releived and I feel I won't need money from her again. I want to find a way out of all this spiral of debt, non paid work and dependance with the drug of P, and my mother's house.

I want to break free from this imaginary prison, product of my ingorance and the inhability to cope with life like a normal and operative person.

I tidied my room a little these days, it's been a little untidy lately.

I'm wearing summer clothes already and sometimes I work out.

Thing is that I'm a little zombie sometimes and I'm not at all productive at times.

Now that I've shared all this I think I feel much better.

At least I managed the situation comming here instead of watching P or being in pain.

Now I'm going to take a shower and I'm sure I will feel even better. 

 

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys I miss P sooo much, the drug at least. I don't miss all the ansiety, dragging down and lack of freedom which is attached to P.

I'm hurting latelty and I guess it's because I've got the big trigger of my job uncertainty in the summer.

Today I went to a job interview and it was pretty cool. Right now I'm so lucky to be on 3 different job process.

Thing is that sometimes I hate to decide. I fear screwing up. But I've got to make a decision cause in june I've got to change jobs for sure (remember that my contract finishes mid june).

And that triggers me a lot. I don't know if I will be strong enough and it's funny cause I've been more than 5 months clean.

I'm learning that this is not only a matter of time, it's also about how is stress and how are problems in life, how I cope with both.

How should I cope with this situation? What would a normal person do? I'll think about it.

Cheers

 

[FlyPhoenix]

One step at a time, one day at a time man. Do your best and hand the rest over to God. You made it this far, and thanks to a power greater than us, thanks to your support system, thanks to a revelation about how much you wish to stay clean, not for anything else but because you have give your word to yourself, because you know the harm P does and see a glimpse of what life could be like without it.. Stay strong man, trust in the process.

 

[Loving_Mary]

One step at a time, one day at a time man. Do your best and hand the rest over to God. You made it this far, and thanks to a power greater than us, thanks to your support system, thanks to a revelation about how much you wish to stay clean, not for anything else but because you have give your word to yourself, because you know the harm P does and see a glimpse of what life could be like without it.. Stay strong man, trust in the process.

thanks fly

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi.

14 days clean of P

Relapsed after 5 months and 18 days.

2 days straight doing it a couple of times.

Then I felt stable and delated de file that allowed me to connect to the poison.

I was stressed about work and got used to shower only once a day so the relaxation bonus was no longer there.

Therapist  told me that he can no longer help me with the addiction, so that's a good sign.

He will help me other stuff.

I have a good job opportunity that seems on the right path.

We'll see where it goes.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi.

Clean from P for 39 days

I had an episode the other day, where I started trying to hack my web blocker.

It was pretty pathetic. After trying for 10 minutes I decided to stop. I actually have another computer with no blockers, but it was helpful to have the barrier.

Latelty I've thought of doing it.

I've had S with two different girls the last 3 weeks. Not the best sex ever.

One of the differences between P and real S is that with real girls not everything is smooth and you have to respect their tastes and limits.

I've been living in this unreal "S" life for years, but it was everything fake.

I work par time this July and soon I will sign a new job contract which might be a game changer for me.

I'm not handling it well but I'm excited

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

About 20 hours clean of P

This August I messed up and I relapsed heavily. Another computer in my house was free and I used it.

It's been sad to restart again but I will find the way out

Tomorrow I will start a training in a new job. It's a great oportunity to start over and be a better person, earn money and organize my life.

cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

about 20 days clean from P.

I think one of the things that has helped me more is focusing on my new job.

Things are not easy there but at least I'm focused.

I rest one day and a half a week and maybe the worst struggle is to find things to do those days.

I'm training regularly and I play chess, read and watch good movies.

Now I'm going to watch one.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys.

Day 1 clean of Porn.

Very recent relapse. I'm a bit sad now that I read my last post.

Yesterday I went to confession, had mass and communion.

Today I feal a bit better.

On friday I had a bad episode of negativity which I kind of never had before.

It all collapsed. Mentally.

Sometimes it's hard for me to stay positive. It seems that everything in my life is the other way round, everything consists on swimming against the water.

And it seems it's me, not the world.

In 2 weeks I'm going to therapy, and I will tell him about it.

Peace

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Hi LM,

Long time, I've been off this forum for a while because I was relapsing quite a bit and trying by all means to stay off the Internet. But found it so much easier to go to youtube and social media. There is benefit to coming here, for sure.

Sorry to hear about the recent relapse, I had one recently as well, about two weeks ago, it was bad and scary. The challenge righth now for me, like you say, is staying happy/positive without having to go to youtube to watch hours and hours of funny videos as I hold myself over until my next P relapse.

I was talking to a friend in recovery the other day and as I was talking, I realise I was doing exactly what I was advising him about, which is using something outside myself to change how I feel on the inside. It's one of the most challenging thing for me, as I remember being totally addicted to television from childhood, but peace and happiness need to come from inside. It isn't easy, and sometimes we need help, some more than others, but we all struggle towards the same goal.

Take care man, hope it works out..