My Diary

[Loving_Mary]

One day at a time indeed! Sounds like you're approaching the whole "dating game"  with caution while being relaxed about it, now major expectations and really just exploring the dynamics of attraction while focusing on recovery and emotional healing. Really powerful!

I mean, if this girl or that girl doesn't respond, then there is no big deal, they are free to do what they need to do.

I remember when I was dating while in the grips of P, or rather while I was unaware of the inner issues that were driving my addiction. I would meet a girl and immediately obsess about that girl until she go so turned off that she would ignore me or firmly "friend zone" me.

Then I would seek comfort in P or some substance, or even escorts, and ruin my internal energy further. The cycle of addiction would continue, and while in the world I would late see some girl who I would imagine was the greatest thing ever and crush on her, hesitant to speak to her with the sneaking suspicion that she would be turned off.

I'm really thankful for recovery, and also coming to understand a bit more about attraction, although I never wanted to be a player.

Wishing you all the best as you allow the woman of your dreams find you

Wow Fly. Thank you very much for your message.

Yeah I was like that too. That's what I meant with emotional strenght.

I believe that needenes and stuff come from scarcety, fear and emotional weakness.

And as you desribed right now, P and other shit just makes things worse.

I really remember being on my 18 and 19`s  and going to a club with a friend, and just not having the balls to speak with any girl. And if I did nothing happened. I was so clueless and scared.

Then I got home and went straight away to my computer and acted out. Just poored my frustration into P.

So the reality is that I was a virgin with real girls and very active with online simulation.

Stupid as I could be.

After all these years I've worked on myself a lot and now what I have to offer to girls is much better.

But obviously not every girl has to like it. And that's kind of ok.

I think that P has played an active role in many of my frustrations, while I was using it just for the opposite.

Know that I'm more aware of the problem i feel less stupid and a little bit wiser, although I feel that I'm still clueless about many things.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi,

on my way to day 70

My brain feels pretty good lately.

My humour is pretty good, more happy and cheerfull.

My job is good.

I'm talking to girls online. Not pretty exciting, maybe I'll leave that later on.

Met up with my family the other day.

Everything good minus a critisism from my brother.

He's crazy man. Always has been. Lately he's better cause he's in love, but he can't get rid of his negativity.

I bet if I had a place of my own he wouldn't treat me like that.

He's living in a luxiourius flat paying 1/5 of the normal rent, because it's my mother's...

don't want to be like that when I'm his age, man.

He was the person to advise me I stayed in my mother's until I could figure out what I wanted to do.

At first I thought it was good advise.

After all these years of this confortable but also disgusting situation, I've realised that he transferred his frame of mind.

Maye another person would have never advised me to do that. Just keep on going and find a quick job, but never stay in my mother`s.

It's a matter of mentallity. There's people who depend on their parents. That's my brother and me. I took his advise that's my responsability.

He's an awfull advisor man. Every day I respect him less. But also I love him more. I see him as an equal now. He's not wise. We just wanna learn our best way.

I'm trying to break free.

But right now my priority is recovery and work.

I've got to confess I haven't worked all the hours these days.

But at least I kept away from P.

I think it was yesterday when I had what I beleive it was an important encounter with P

Trigger warning: mentioning sites that might have P content and triggering words.

I have my computer blocked, but I saw a Netflix add which said something about the hidden categories.

I have an equivalent to Netflix and I went straight away to check that.

I don't know why I did it. It wasn't the typical urge to act out.

It was more a "guilty visiting the crime scene" thing.

Although I'm perfectly aware that I'm not recovered yet, I wasn't up to go any further.

It was kind of contacting my previous life.

I felt the rush, just like I felt it when I was 14.

All those front pages, more explicit than I expected.

All those stupid images. I just went there for 20 or 40 secs.

Those images were the same that hooked me up when I was 14. Cause they were the tipical "long movies" similar to those of the 90's.

And the amazing thing is that I realised how stupid it was.

And more: how stupid I have been all these years.

I've been so stupid to let that enter my life.

But now I'm better. And a better person.

I think I'm on the right track and doing the right steps.

I also think it wasn't a good idea to do that, it was risky and I could feel my brain is sensitive to that stuff. 

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

on my way to day 73.

Not feeling great today.

Maybe it's because I feel lonely.

These days I think I'm becoming good at distinguishing how I feel.

My tendency is to go directly to P. But now I realised that sometimes I feel ansious or stressed for ridiculous reasons or situations.

For instance: yesterday I felt ansious after doing the grosseries. And the worst thing is that I went on foot, so there's not even a car involved.

I really don't know why I feel like that. Don't think it's because I talked to the cashier.

It's like my brain is pathologically in an alarm mode. It's ridicoulous.

I would like things to be really different.

Let's fantasize about it. Let's feel it, taste it.

Peace, satisfaction, success.

Today I had a little trouble. My eternal friend, temptation is here.

Not surprised. I haven't got to my world record: 3 months and 3 weeks.

Last time I started having trouble in month 2 and especially in month 3.

My brain just melted down.

So I must be prepared for the worst.

I believe that satisfaction and peace is just here.

We only have to grab it.

I'm as not practical as I could be.

Who is 37 and lives with his mother?

Yeah my finances are a mess.

But I wanna recover. Recover, recover.

In fact, I'm recovering.

Just 2 years ago 70 days was just impossible. I was used to 7 days.

This is 10 times better. And the pain is not as escruciating.

If got to let my brain melt down.

I will die. My old me has to die. I want him dead. Dead.

And I will re live in this same life.

Now I'm a recovering junkie, a zombie.

Just die. Dead.

Got to let this happen. Embrace this death.

And a new person will emerge. Sober, more prepared to face my problems.

My brain, my body.

2018 is the year of my brain.

My brain. 

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Hey LM,  not sure if you saw this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7TwURjJo80&t=3894s

I think I have similar amount of "clean time" as you. Feeling similar feelings of emotional distress. But we have to stay believing that it will pass, pain is temporary. You are doing great and as you say, you are in a much better place than at the height of addiction. Stay strong man, please don't give in. We cannot allow this disease to win more souls.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hey LM,  not sure if you saw this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7TwURjJo80&t=3894s

I think I have similar amount of "clean time" as you. Feeling similar feelings of emotional distress. But we have to stay believing that it will pass, pain is temporary. You are doing great and as you say, you are in a much better place than at the height of addiction. Stay strong man, please don't give in. We cannot allow this disease to win more souls.

Thanks Fly for your support. I need it. Makes me feel better.

I'm a little scared cause I can tell what's comming. The pain.

Scared of pain. It's natural. And especially when I felt it before.

Thanks for the video yeah I saw it before. But thanks.

I don't know whats going on why this is sooo slow.

90 days is not reboot

Last time 90 days plus 45 days...that's 135 days...

No 90 days don't work for me man.

Now I passed the 70 days and the pain starts comming...

It's this feeling...mildly tempting...

Good thing is that I'm sleeping good lately, this is helping me a ton

I wake up really rested and energysed.

Well I'm strong.

Guard up

 

[FlyPhoenix]

I believe the good Lord is doing a powerful work in your life. Just stay faithful. I don't think people quite appreciate how powerful a recovery from P can be in not only transforming their lives, but of those around us. The pain is worth every minute when we come out the other side.

I would recommend some serious self-care and non-sexual self-loving activities. Like, allowing yourself some guilt-free quiet time, a walk in a park, going out to a movie, a relaxing bubble bath, an evening doing nothing, cleaning up in your space and lighting a candle/incense, some meditation, just anything that will change your state and make you feel good in this difficult time.

In fact, we should be doing self-care even when we feel good, to condition ourselves and leave no room for P to creep in as an easy form of escape.

 

[Loving_Mary]

I believe the good Lord is doing a powerful work in your life. Just stay faithful. I don't think people quite appreciate how powerful a recovery from P can be in not only transforming their lives, but of those around us. The pain is worth every minute when we come out the other side.

I would recommend some serious self-care and non-sexual self-loving activities. Like, allowing yourself some guilt-free quiet time, a walk in a park, going out to a movie, a relaxing bubble bath, an evening doing nothing, cleaning up in your space and lighting a candle/incense, some meditation, just anything that will change your state and make you feel good in this difficult time.

In fact, we should be doing self-care even when we feel good, to condition ourselves and leave no room for P to creep in as an easy form of escape.

Thanks man

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi.

Day 75 clean

Today I feel a bit better.

 

[Loving_Mary]

77 days clean

Today I read all my diary from the start.

It shocked me to discover that I started posting more than 2 years ago.

It was a bit discorouging, but also I must say that I'm much better than back then.

As I said in a recent post, I used to stand 7 days or so, maybe 2 weeks.

Now I'm clean for more than 70 days, 10 times more, or so.

It's been interesting to rea my past life, when having all the spoilers.

At the begginig I was more pumped up.

When I was hitting the 2 weeks for the first time.

Now I kind of more skeptical, cause I realise that there's much work to be done still.

Lately  I haven't fealt gret.

My brain's not good.

Will try to sleep more.

I've thought of getting a job in the summer if things don't work out.

Currently I have 3 jobs.

The main one is par time and I have a contract for 8 and a half months per year.

I have a fix salary there.

The other two are sales related and I only get comission.

The thing is that this past summer I didn't get paid at all, so I had financial problems which have lasted until the end of winter.

So I believe that this cannot happen again.

I just cannot afford to let it happen again.

That's why if things don't work out with comission, I will work part time in the summer too, in a fix salary job.

Would like to work only in sales for the summer and september, but if it's not possible, never mind. I don't want to struggle again with that stuff.

Now things are slitly better, but I still have some challenges ahead.

Today I re read all my posts because I started with tempation.

I think it was a good idea. I feel much better.

Soon I will write a letter to my addiction.

Now I'm a bit tired. I'm going to sleep soon.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Letter to my addiction:

Dear addiction,

you've been with me since I was 14.

That changed my life forever. It changed my character, my soul my day and my night.

You kind of wanted to protect me from the world. But the truth is that a kid has to fall several times in order to learn to walk. I was so focused on you, so obsessed that my grades went down, my popularity. My adolescence was gone, then my youth. I didn't meet enough people because of you, because you blocked me.

And no one forced me to be with you. I did it because I wanted to, because I didn't know to do better.

I want to thank you for all the company you gave to me, all the dedication. But the fact is that your company cannot substitute the company of real people, connection, affection.

And being with you also is pleasent. Thanks for that too. I had a lot of pleasure. But also being with you creates a lot of pain, ansiety, whithdrawal, beyond the unimaginable. I suffered such an excruciating pain I cannot explain. Not a good deal at all.

I know you wanna come back. But you've gotta understand that I don't want you anymore. I've blocked my cell phone, my computer. And you still wanna come back.

My question is: why so much interest in me? What do you lose letting me go?

Who wants me to be just a shadow of my best version, a junky, a zombie?

It dawns on me that you don't want me to be good at all. Your intentions are sick, evil.

You're a sick fuck. If you loved me you would help me with my relationship with God, with Jesus, with my religion.

If you loved me you would take care of my health, my brain, my body.

If you loved me you would help me buy and wear fancy clothes, wash them and iron them.

If you loved me you would help me rent the house of my dreams, clean it and take good care of it.

If you loved me you would help me manage my finances better.

You would help me with my family, you would help me with my friends, my aquiantances and my work.

But what you're doing is you're holding me back from all of that.

You're terrorised, you don't want me to leave because you know that without me and people like me you're nothing.

Porn is nothing without people's attention.

You need us. And many of us don't want you.

You're harming us. You're love is the love of a dependant sick fuck. A nobody. A pimp who exploits his hoes.

You know what? Fuck you, you're employees, fuck the croocked polititians who defend your existance. They are loyal to you but they don't trick me anynmore.

I might be weak sometimes but I'll always know that I discovered you as what you are.

Good bye

 

[FlyPhoenix]

I relate to this letter very strongly, especially the part about the impact the acting out had on you.

One day at a time man, we just need to make sure we do better each day while remaining gentle and loving.

 

[Loving_Mary]

I relate to this letter very strongly, especially the part about the impact the acting out had on you.

One day at a time man, we just need to make sure we do better each day while remaining gentle and loving.

thanks Fly

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

Day 86 without P

Had problems in the fix job but didn't let my boss yell at me. She's crazy. As the job ends every june, I will just quit in a few months. Money wasn't good eitherways so it's not a big deal.

The economy in my country is better than 2 years ago, so I guess I can find a new job much easily than before.

I've done some research and there's plenty of job for me. I won't quit now for my students.

So I will start making interviews in short.

I've confronted this lady several times. She's by far the worst boss I've ever had.

Whatever.

I've shared this information with some people and I think it's good to take it out of my chest.

I'm aware I usually spend my weekends alone, which in terms of relationships with people it's not very good.

Not this years priority. Trully money has been a big issue.



Happily my mother is not here this weekend though. This is good. When the heat comes she starts leaving somewhere else.

This winter has been the best one between both of us. I'm more assertive, I can manage her better. The fact is that she's crazy. I believe she has a narcisistic disorder, just like my boss.

But now I don't get along with all their bullshit.

On thursday I went to sleep early and someone called my mother late, which woke me up.

Not being that enough she opens the living room door with her tv really loud and after 2 minutes like that she knoks on the door and starts asking where is her news paper. I didn't answer, it was 11 at night.

I'ts so sad that someone is so self centered and poor in her soul.

Then I went to the bathroom and when I came out there she was again with the question which I totally ignored and said: I just want to sleep.

She says: but you're out of the room

I answer: because you woke me up

In other periods of my life I would have given here my attention.

I know that it's not her intention to annoy me, but I'm glad I don't go along with her bullshit anymore.

By the way: I never bring her newspaper with me.

Today I had a mini celebration because I realised that's there's par time jobs out there.

Pretty well paid. Those kind of jobs interest me because I can combine them with my only comission selling business.

The fact that I don't have to depend any more of my crazy boss is pretty relieving.

I'm paying my debt and in june I will find something else. That job only gave me work 8,5 months per year.

Comission currently is low, sow what I wanna do is have a part time fix job for every single month of my life.

It always have been dificult for me to be practical and realistic with some things.

But I've worked a lot to change things and now everything is different.

I don't need much money to survive cause I'm pretty austere.

I will pay my debt off improving jobs and I will get the hell out of this emotinal rat hole.

When I was away of my mother's my relationship with her improved a lot.

I will do every thing in my power to leave by next november.

It was last year's plan but I failed in the execution cause I really thought comission would provide.

Now I've realised that although I'm working with big brands my business is mine and there's a lot of stuff to do.

I got to have my part time job so I can pay rent and stuff. My business is on the side of that.

One thing I've gotta say. The crazy bitch, my boss, always pays me on time.

And I value that.

Along with all of that I realised that it was me who screwed up.

I chose being an addict and I chose my jobs, my home, etc.

My mother is not obliged to take care of me. She's 70 for goodness sake.

Time to put my big boy pants on.

Never to late.

We play with the cards which were handed to us.

Trying to make my best.

In terms of temptation I'm at 30% aprox. It doesn't feel very good. I've thought about doing it but among other things I realised porn has made me not evolve in my life. It has dragged my matureness down. 

So today I'm gonna stay clean.

Also I M today and it doesn't feel very well when I walk through the streets I can feel less energy.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi,

day 90 clean from P.

Been here once. I know that I still got work to do.

Temptation is at 20% today.

I really wanna quit.

Among other things, because every week and every month that I stay clean I realise how P has dragged me down.

Sometimes I'm able to experience a glimps of what feeling good might be: my brain stabilizes for a few seconds and I experience reality in a unique way.

It kind of reminds me of before I started with P and even with M.

Not been as productive I would have liked lately, but I did work a decent amount of hours.

The other day I explained my story to one of my best friends. He's not the first person I've talked about it but this time was different because I'm better.

Before talking about it with my counciler, It has been several years since I ever spoke to someone that actually knows me.

And this time it was so reliefing. I could literally feel I got something out of my chest.

I think that can help me.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Hey LM,

I totally relate to the feeling low on energy. For me, I don't think the relapse hurts as much as the feeling of wanting to always escape into something, to just ignore the things I have to face on a daily basis, people I don't like, things I wish for more in. Your last two posts really spoke to me and what I'm going through now.

I also relate to you when you say it was you who messed up. I find a lot of us in addiction tend to blame everything else, like our family, the P industry, the government or whatever, for our addiction. But in the end we have to pull our big boy pants up.

I feel sick that every day, I've been spending time on social media looking up profiles of people who stimulate me, and things that entertain me, like comedy videos instead of doing my work. I've lost so much focus I had built up over the long time.

Thanks so much for these posts man, they really remind me to be thankful despite the people who create problems for me or the struggles I feel. I mean, some people I know have no work at all and have to rely on the goodwill of people. At least I have a job.

In fact, there are people sleeping in the streets who have to dig in garbage bags to eat. There are people, who are wealthy and famous, but they are in the grips of addiction and illness, no amount of money can help them.

Taking one step at a time, remembering that each day is a gift.

P.S. Hang on for much longer and beware of the 90 day complacency that I was reminded of after I relapsed at 90 days.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hey LM,

I totally relate to the feeling low on energy. For me, I don't think the relapse hurts as much as the feeling of wanting to always escape into something, to just ignore the things I have to face on a daily basis, people I don't like, things I wish for more in. Your last two posts really spoke to me and what I'm going through now.

I also relate to you when you say it was you who messed up. I find a lot of us in addiction tend to blame everything else, like our family, the P industry, the government or whatever, for our addiction. But in the end we have to pull our big boy pants up.

I feel sick that every day, I've been spending time on social media looking up profiles of people who stimulate me, and things that entertain me, like comedy videos instead of doing my work. I've lost so much focus I had built up over the long time.

Thanks so much for these posts man, they really remind me to be thankful despite the people who create problems for me or the struggles I feel. I mean, some people I know have no work at all and have to rely on the goodwill of people. At least I have a job.

In fact, there are people sleeping in the streets who have to dig in garbage bags to eat. There are people, who are wealthy and famous, but they are in the grips of addiction and illness, no amount of money can help them.

Taking one step at a time, remembering that each day is a gift.

P.S. Hang on for much longer and beware of the 90 day complacency that I was reminded of after I relapsed at 90 days.

Thanks Fly,

I'm glad my posts help you.

Yours help me too.

In my case temptation has been the worst pain in my life. By far.

It has been so painful I cannot explain. Luckily those days are gone and now at least I can manage temptation and stuff. Right now I'm feeling it at 10 or 15%.

Yeah latelty I realised I've been blaming my family for my addiction.

But as the addiction got smaller, I realised it was the other way round: the addiction was screwing my life up, including the relationship with my family and my lack of independance towards them.

I think that you'll watch less porn and less social media to the extent you realise the harm those make upon you, and you really figure out what are your priorities.

When you make a real decision about social media you will find the way of quitting that too. I'm sure. Maybe Focus Me software might help?

Don't know. I used to use it against porn, but I left it for K9 because it's more reliable.

But for something like social media it might work out for you. I think it was like 10 bucks and it helps focus. Don't know man. But I'm sure you'll be ok with everything.

If you're watching stuff instead of working maybe it's because in reality that's what motivates you more.

Sometimes I do it too and it makes me feel numb in terms of brain. I feel foggy and stuff. I think that shit doesn't help us at all.

Maybe this helps you: when I feel disfocused I ask myself why I wanted the work in the first place. Another thing that helped me is: change activity after half hour work, or so. Trying to finish up each thing at a time.

I don't know. I might not be the best advisor on that. My brain is not the healthiest one right now.

People might dig in garbadge and that's their decision too. They preffer that against stealing or dying from hunger. But maybe they could do other stuff too. 

But the question is: what do you wanna do and why. What do you like to do and for what are you being paid.

Part of my work is as a freelance and lately I've realised that when I don't do the stuff I'm supposed to do, I'm not acting as an employee. Cause as a boss if I found out that one of my workers does that, I would fire him in the third occasion.

Nevertheless I'm very indulgent with myself and this has been going on for too long.

Thanks man, I appreciate your comments and I think you're doing a good job.

At least you're doing something about it and your better than a while ago.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

108 days clean from P

Yesterday I went to my brother's wedding.

I was glad to see him so happy.

I could afford a fine present and I mingled with people.

I drove there alone and had independence.

Sometimes I just wonder where's my ansiety.

It has been with me for so long that sometimes I catch myself wondering where it is.

Sometimes it is there, but the surprising thing is when it's not.

It's so incredible.

I know that ansiety comes and goes very slowly, so with this little moments without it, I realise that if I keep up, in a few months I will feel even better.

Temptation is 5-10% now.

Yesterday I didn't drink a lot. I don't like to drink too much any more. I preffer sobriety.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

115 days clean from P.

Last time my World Record was 111 days, so I've hit my record.

I'm in an unknown zone right now. Never been here before.

This week I'm happy cause I could work a decent amount of hours.

Temptation is at 5-6% right now.

Last Easter was a spiritual renewal for me, and I've been experiencing good things from Religion lately. I think it's because after some months without P my relationship with God has improved. There's a missing shadow uppon me.

My brain is pretty calm, although many times I tell myself to calm down and that everything will be all right.

It occurred to me that the reason why I'm always in a nervous state is because for decades my brain has suffered from ansiety and pain from what apperently had no reason.

That made my brain keep in a constant state of alert and fear from the pain that at any moment could come up.

Now that tempation and ansiety levels are going down my brain is starting to calm down and put off the alert mode.

Sometimes I work out, but less than I wanted. But it doesn't bother me cause I only have one goal for this year. Stopping. Everything else is extra. Good and desirable, but extra.

Money is manageble at the moment and I'm committed to get a wage every month.

My relationships are improving and sometimes I feel connected with people, like yesterday, when a waitress treated me really well during all the dinner after I joked with her at the beggining.

Steps are small but solid I guess.

Stopping is key for recovery.

Thank you God.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Thanks for this update LM, really good to see you are in a space of recovery.

I wouldn't say you are in unknown territory though, I believe the more we stay off the P, the more we get to know ourselves and the world, like an old familiar friend we haven't seen in a long time, or like a prisoner coming home after a long time locked up. We come home and find that while things have change, they are so familiar and comforting. We no longer feel the need to watch our backs like before, and we begin to relax and get to know people without suspicion.

One day at a time..

 

[Loving_Mary]

Thanks for this update LM, really good to see you are in a space of recovery.

I wouldn't say you are in unknown territory though, I believe the more we stay off the P, the more we get to know ourselves and the world, like an old familiar friend we haven't seen in a long time, or like a prisoner coming home after a long time locked up. We come home and find that while things have change, they are so familiar and comforting. We no longer feel the need to watch our backs like before, and we begin to relax and get to know people without suspicion.

One day at a time..

Thanks man. Your comparison with the prisoner that comes back home is just brilliant. It didn't occur to me. And yeah, I can remember mysef before everything started, first with M and afterwords with awful P, when my life changed forever.

Now I'm comming back home from prison. Thanks God and thank you for the idea