My Diary

[Loving_Mary]

Hi,

on my way to week 3.

Spent the last week with a low energy tone.

Don't know if it's the cold i got, the adiction or what.

But I don't really care.

Because I know that for one reason or another I'll eventually feel better, if I stick to what I've gotta do.

Yeah this week hasn't been easy, especially because of apathy and dullness, I don't know.

Had  a little bit of temptation, but I know that acting out won't help; it always, always promises what it can't ever give: happinness, peace and relief.

Pixels are just a lie.

Job is paying off pretty well, I work many hours and I'm also taking a course so I've got a tight schedule.

Still dating the woman I told you guys about. Everything fine.

Relation with my family could be better, but at least is better than a year ago.

I'm trying to keep my economy stable; much better than last October.

Keeping my room clean and tidy is helping me.

I bought a cool sweater the other day, and gave away some stuff I wanna renew next year.

Winter is comming, the seasons kind of tell me that things are gonna be fine.

Didn't work out a lot this week, I got a cold and didn't feel like it.

Having a rest this Sunday, it's holyday on tuesday and tomorrow I will only work par time, so I will have a nice and deserved rest these days.

This week I'm having negative thoughts. But I'm trying to get perspective and I'm trying to think they will go away.

These days have been  a bit cloudy and I'm quite sensitive to sun absence.

Praying and having mass. Not big faith this week.

Looking forward to a day of joy and hope.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

I managed to get to week 3, ok.

I relapsed, but I'm amazed I got here.

Very gratefull and excited for the achievement. And best of all, I felt so good in comparison to other periods where I had abstinence...

My energy tone has increased in relation to the last post.

I'm feeling much better.

Work is good. Working many hours, but with a slightly better schedule.

I stopped dating the women. I felt sad, but trully this is my smallest problem at the moment. We were kind of dating, so who knows, maybe we'll date again sometime in the future.

Loving my family but defenitely getting space from them: some of them are negative and agressive. Tired of that. Distance is better. Sad but true. I won't stand certain attitudes from them or anyone else. Still loving them, though.

My finances  are gradually getting better.

Keeping my room tidy.

Got some new clothes. Awesome.

Starded to work out again. Today I was planning to go skating, but I was tired and didn't feel like it, so I stretched and it felt good. From now on I will do that when I'm tired or stressed and don't feel like working out. That and maybe taking a hot shower. Better than don't working out at all.

Something that has helped me lately is going to the bathroom more often, something which lately I forgot doing. Funny but true.

These last days I've been attending a spiritual retreat and it has helped me a lot. I can tell I feel much better than last November at all levels.

I've been working on a book on Prayer from Saint Peter of Alc?ntara that has helped me a lot and I will follow it for the weeks ahead.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

on my way to day 11.

Work is pretty good, I just had a litlle holyday these days. I worked on friday.

In two weeks I'll have a slightly better schedule, so hopefully I'll will be less stressed.

Meeting new people.

Things still didn't work out with the woman, and I was really sad.

One day I asked myself how I would feel better: without the addiction and without dating her, or being still sick but dating her. I realized that nevertheless, I would feel better without the addiction, so that helped me understand that the addiction is really a problem.

Obviously I amb rebuilding my life while I'm acting out less and less. But I'm realizing that the addiction is dragging me down. So I'm looking forward to recovery.

I went out with some friends the other day.

I'm keeping distance from my family. Well done.

Finances are recovering, slowly.

Keeping my room tidy and clean.

I'm buying new stuff of colthes every now and then. I'm trying to be fashionable.

Working out nearly every day, stretching every day.

Showering twice a day, so that my muscles relax. Great therapy by the way. I recommend it.

My mind hasn't been good these past weeks. I was very sad for stopping to date the woman, but sometimes it feels it's just an excuse to stay negative.

I've been connecting with my feelings, which is good. Recovering from that slowly but consistently.

Bad news is that I've had recurrent suicidal thoughts. It's not that I will do anything, but I've got to confess that they have been there.

They just appear in my mind.

I guess it's part of the desert walk I amb going through.

I had some good days too.

Connecting with sadness has helped me in having happy moments too, because I feel that if I connect with the feelings, they leave. If I stop thinking.

Praying every day and having mass. Little faith but a lot of constance.

Thanks for reading.

Let's see if in a few weeks I have good news.

Kind regards

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

good news: I'm on my way to day 64! ))

It's funny because I always watched those videos on youtube which talk about months without porn and now I'm kind of one of them

It's also funny that I always see those guys saying that it's awesome and it actually is, but not in the way I thought.

Partly it's awesome because last time I really quited was in the US, many years ago. The reason was because I didn't have computer. I didn't even M because I had a room mate. I did 45 days 15 years ago, dude. But I was crazy, it was really painful, I was hard nearly at anytime of the day, with a lot of obsession and thinking a lot about P and chicks.

The first thing I did when I got back to my country was...acting out heavily.

Now I don't feel like that.

This time is really different: I'm feeling much better than in 2001 but what's also true is that I don't feel as fresh as I thought.

After about 2 months without P, brain fog has diminuished a lot. Temptations are much softer than before; they are actually manageble until now. But I thought my life would be completely different but it hasn't changed that much.

The only thing I've gotta say is that in my case the oldschool dogma that things improve every 1 month is true. Every month I feel better, but weeks don't count.

So I'm looking forward to experiencing what happens when I get to month 3.

I'm also aware that I'm in danger of slipping, and that I won't feel a complete victory until I get to year 2.

But to get there I must make my baby steps.

I thought this 2 months thing would be epic, but I feel that I still have a lot of work to do.

Main things that have helped me have been taking care of my life. That made my stress and ansiety go down.

Then everything is easier.

Now I will read again my diary to see how I've improved.

One thing is being really awesome indeed: my erections are as they were when I was 12 man... tha'ts so awesome. It's incredible, I'm 36 and I thought that my erections had gone down due to my age, but it was P.

I'm thinking that maybe I did'nt feel as good as those guys on youtube due to the age. I'm an addict since 1994, so that's about 22 years of addiction, so I guess my brain needs more time to recover.

So what: I'm so fed up of the addiction that I will be as patient as I have to.

I also realized that the addiction is one of my life's problems number one.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

on my way to day 2. Yep relapsed.

I lasted about 75 days. My world record.

My best mark in 22 years. And what's most important: I felt and feel good in comparison to other moments of my life.

It was a bit frustrating but it was too weird to go from 2-3 weeks top, to more than 2 months.

What happened is that I got obsessed with some stupid thing and finally fell into it.

I will try to stop those thoughts earlier, and go on with my whole relaxation programme.

By the way: I believe that this is not like starting from 0 for my brain.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

on my way to day 24.

Started going to the counciler.

For my addiction, but really working in the outer game: relationships, etc. That is what I'm working with the therapist. Obviously I told him about "the problem" but appearently it's better to work some deep issues like the relationship with my family. I'm all ears...as long as it works, I'm into it.

Job is pretty interesting, and I've been dating some online girls. Not too bad...it seams I'm starting to move on of my previous relationship.

I have untidied my room a little lately, I want to tidy it up again soon.

Showers relax me a lot, right now I took one. I take two  per day.

Counciler is helping me. Finally I can afford one. Things have been starting to change long time ago...I'm collecting the fruits of all my efforts... )

Having mass, etc. Forgot to pray all I wanted to, but still on track with Jesus.

I feel loved.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hy guys,

on my way to day 9.

It's been a bit disappointing to relapse so much lately.

I kind of don't understand why I nearly got to the famous 90 days and now I'm not doing that well.

But I'm sticking to relaxing and fixing the rest of my life, so my addiction is less fed.

Had some vacation lately, felt pretty good; and I'm applying for better jobs.

Managed to keep tidy my room.

My clothes are much better than before.

Usually working out and training, my showers don't feel as well as before, maybe I got used to their relaxion.

But still feeling good after shower.

Meditating daily for the last couple of days/weeks. It helps me.

Cheers

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Hey man,

Great journal, indeed there is power in the name of Jesus, keep praying, keep fighting the good fight.

Stay blessed,

FP


Something came into my inbox today, thought I'd share with you:

For me, and for many of the guys whose struggle I share, it's been the hardest aspect of the program: reaching out when it still seems like I'm in control.

I also struggle with shame. I use "program progress" to validate myself, and then when I don't work my program, I have two problems that are a vicious mix: I want to isolate to hide my shame until I prove my worth; and I lose touch with my powerlessness.

Now that I say it like that, it's crazy. I can feel worthless and think I am more powerful than I am! Maybe denying my powerlessness is one way I compensate for the sense of worthlessness.

Anyway, understanding doesn't make the difference for me: accepting does. When I accept that I'm powerless and reach out for help, I find relief. When I analyze my powerlessness so that I can outsmart it, I am lost.

And yes, that's great, what you said: even if you stop yourself before you hit the inner circle, still reach out.

Thank you for sharing your struggle, for being vulnerable, for being honest. Thank you for reminding me that I am a sex addict, and that I need support.

Which reminds me... If you ever think you're being a burden when you ask for help, remember:

"This is how recovery has been for us. Each of us has taken steps of courage and leaps of faith. Each of us has contributed, not only to our own recovery, but to the recovery of other suffering sex addicts as well.

We have contributed by showing up at meetings and by sharing our experience, strength, and hope. We have listened to our fellow addicts and supported them in their recovery journey. Like the first members of our fellowship, we continue to remain sexually sober by helping our fellow addict stay sober. Our prayer is that every sex addict who seeks recovery will have the opportunity to find it. And keep coming back."

There is no one amongst us with the power to stand on his or her own. We stand because he hold each other up.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hey man,

Great journal, indeed there is power in the name of Jesus, keep praying, keep fighting the good fight.

Stay blessed,

FP


Something came into my inbox today, thought I'd share with you:

For me, and for many of the guys whose struggle I share, it's been the hardest aspect of the program: reaching out when it still seems like I'm in control.

I also struggle with shame. I use "program progress" to validate myself, and then when I don't work my program, I have two problems that are a vicious mix: I want to isolate to hide my shame until I prove my worth; and I lose touch with my powerlessness.

Now that I say it like that, it's crazy. I can feel worthless and think I am more powerful than I am! Maybe denying my powerlessness is one way I compensate for the sense of worthlessness.

Anyway, understanding doesn't make the difference for me: accepting does. When I accept that I'm powerless and reach out for help, I find relief. When I analyze my powerlessness so that I can outsmart it, I am lost.

And yes, that's great, what you said: even if you stop yourself before you hit the inner circle, still reach out.

Thank you for sharing your struggle, for being vulnerable, for being honest. Thank you for reminding me that I am a sex addict, and that I need support.

Which reminds me... If you ever think you're being a burden when you ask for help, remember:

"This is how recovery has been for us. Each of us has taken steps of courage and leaps of faith. Each of us has contributed, not only to our own recovery, but to the recovery of other suffering sex addicts as well.

We have contributed by showing up at meetings and by sharing our experience, strength, and hope. We have listened to our fellow addicts and supported them in their recovery journey. Like the first members of our fellowship, we continue to remain sexually sober by helping our fellow addict stay sober. Our prayer is that every sex addict who seeks recovery will have the opportunity to find it. And keep coming back."

There is no one amongst us with the power to stand on his or her own. We stand because he hold each other up.

thxs Phoenix!! )

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

in the middle of relapse.

This month I managed to achieve about 36 days without porn.

I believe it's key to adress other parts of life. Solve problems and so on.

Maybe I'm a bit stressed for my future new job, which is a little risky.

I went to a bachelor's party and it was fun.

Relation with my family improved a little.

Didn't shower twice a day as I wanted, maybe I should have.

Training wasn't bad.

Didn't meditate nor pray usually , lately.

Well, lets see if next month is better.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

better than last month.

On my way to day 10.

Today I decided to try again K9 and i think it's better than some years ago. I think it will help me.

Job has partially finished. Now I have some months to try another thing with more strenght.

If it works, I hopefully be able to solve my finantial problems.

Partially more relaxed for the end of one of the jobs, which was really boring. Partially stressed ans worried for the changes. I'm afraid I'm not really good at managing uncertainty, but I'm learning.

I went to a bbq last weekend.

Relations in general are improving.

Training regularly and showering twice a day. Good.

Meditating every day. Good

Praying and having mass. Good

I bet all those things have helped me.

Let's see if I can keep on and next month I have good news.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

this month I managed to stay clean for 3 weeks, then relapsed heavily.

I watched this movie, Crazy Heart, which talks about an old country music singer, who is an alcoholic.

He falls in love with this woman and one day he loses her child. That makes her so angry that she leaves him. I'm not going to spoil all the movie, but this part in particular made me think a lot.

I could relate to the character from the beggining, and I asked myself if I really want to be addicted forever.

It made something move inside me.

My councelor told me that I must be prepared for tough days, because they will come for sure.

And it's true. My whole strategy uptill now is to rebuild my life so that temptation doesn't come.

And is partially true, because I know that temptation is stronger than me.

But what's also true is that there's some bad days. That's also realistic.

So I'm preparting for the worst.

This time I want to make the 90 days. October.

I trully want to recover.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

on my way to day 42.

Not feeling great at all, but I can tell that my brain is slowly settling down.

There's some whole days that I don't have the feeling of asking myself where am I.

Brain fog is weaker.

I do miss porn. But it doesn't make sense to me to buy the other part of the porn experience: the heavy downfall of my brain.

As I said before, I don't feel great, but I would like to discover what's my true self without P, cause I still was 14 when I started.

I play chess a lot, it's probably a good brain exercise.

Hope next month I can give you guys more good news.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

on my day 69 and counting.

I feel that my brain is in its 66%, just about the percentatge of my 90 days reboot.

Around day 60 I felt much better.

Temptation has been pretty weak for the last weeks.

Yesterday I drank a little bit and was in a bit of temptation and today I still carry some of it.

My brain is getting tricked and is trying to trick me along, but I have the strong commitement that I won't ever do it again.

I won't lower my guard, but I feal P is disgusting and a serious damage to my brain and my life.

Porn is poison.  I don't want to even smell it again.

I have a problem these days with my money, but I'm trying to face it instead of making it worse through P

Hopefully next month I will complete my 90 days challenge without P

Cheers 

 

[32]

well done, that is fantastic progress. Be honest with yourself and make each day a success. You are inspiring.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

after 23 years of addiction, more than half of my life, I'm trully glad to say that I have stayed more than 90 days clean.

It's not at all how I expected, but I made it and finally I can share it with you all, along with that is possible.

It's been extremely hard. Luckily there's been an increase of information about the topic and with it, my own personal experience and the help of the reboot nation and my therapist, I have made it.

I know I'm still at risk, but this is a huge step.

Wow.

I have mixed feelings, I thought I would make it earlier and I also thought the feeling would be epic but it isn't. I thought that I would have an energy boost and my whole life would be awesome but it's not like that in my case.

My brain feels better, I like to give him a lot of water, I think it helps. But to tell the truth I don't feel I'm in a 100%. There's days where I still struggle to focus, slight brain fog and so on.

I thought I would train a lot and my body would be awesome. And it's not bad, I'm training 4 days a week. I thought my style would be so awesome. And it's not bad a tall ) but no miracles. I thought I would be living in a better house, I'm not 

I thought my finances would be much better but they aren't.

I thought my relationship with my family would improve, and it has. But I realise I've got the family I have, they'll probably won't change.

I thought I would have better friends and they are, I've changed friends. But I realised nobody is perfect. I thought there would be a chick in the picture, there isn't, allthoug I'm much confident and much less needy when talking to them.

I thought I would know many more people, and I do, but I don't consider my self popular.

I thought my job would be awesome and it's pretty good, I love it but there's some days where I feel tired and quit mentally.

In one word I thought thanks to achieving the 90 days my life would be a miracle. And it's not.

BUT

I had a shadow in my life and now it's gone, or nearly gone. Maybe my life is not perfect, but it's mine and I feel I have recovered it.

I used to blame my family for my addiction and my falilures. But in my 37 th aniversary that didn't make sense any more.

I think I've taken control of my life. I've got challenges and problems, but there's one that is gone or nearly gone. And that "little" problem was a huge stone chaned to my waist.

I haven't realized the extent of the problem till I kind of got rid of it.

It's been jeopardising every part of my life. It wasn't my family. It was the addiction.

Finally I want to say that this last month I've been having a huge sense of loss. The loss of the addiction.

The sadness came because I lost a part of my life which has been very important to me for most of my life. It has given me many good moments and has given me company. I know it's bullshit, but it's how I felt.  And I was emotionally attached to it, like with a partner. I still miss it, but I realise that it was a very toxic relationship. The sadness also comes from realising everything I missed.

I read that this is a normal feeling in recovering addicts.

Well, I'm winning the war, but now I have a non perfect life to live. The rest of the book is mine to be written.

Cheers

 

[happysad]

Congratulations Loving_mary! A wonderful achievement. Keep going, have fun with your life. Put yourself out of your comfort zone. It's going to get great.

I started my reboot on December 2015, just like you and I have relapsed recently a couple of times (now on my 26th day totally clean). I mention this because I relapsed even after going over a year without porn. Keep your guard up! Porn is not an option anymore.

 

[RealityCheck]

LM,

Congratulations on making it to 90 days!  A couple of thoughts for you.

I think the biggest takeaway for you should be self-confidence.  It's incredibly difficult to fight off addiction, and the willpower that you summoned to be successful can be applied to many other areas of your life.  Because of this experience, you should feel ready to handle whatever life throws at you.

Secondly, a lot of the research indicates that it could be more than 90 days, perhaps 180, before your brain returns back to normal.  On top of this, even if it is 90 days, that means only NOW are you back to normal, so you shouldn't see significant improvements in the other areas of your life for months, if not a year.  Real change takes time, so don't be discouraged that things haven't improved as of yet, as not much time has passed since you have evolved.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Wow, congratulations LM. I can completely relate to that feeling of expecting recovery to be some kind of miracle that will turn me into A millionaire overnight, with a perfect family and be inspired to come up with the cure for world hunger and be a spiritual guru and a fitness expert and so on and so on. But you hit it right on the nail, that while life isn't perfect, it is yours. It doesn't belong to the enslaving addiction or porn, but yours to live how you want to love it. I'd recommend taking a look at the Patrick Carnes interview. If you have access to it just type in "Patrick Carnes interview" in YouTube. It's about an hour long, it really put in perspective how long realistically the reboot would take with the various time milestones and what should be happening in the brain.

 

[32]

Congrats - Its an amazing feat which is truly inspiring. Keep shaping your life how you want it to unfold.